So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

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Here We Are Now, Entertain Us I Feel Stupid And Contagious

So it’s happening.

Little E is growing up, and I can tell by his less than pleasurable aroma that has been filling the house lately.

Yesterday we went to buy his first stick of deodorant. Hand to my heart we were in the pit stick aisle for no less than 10 minutes smelling every different kind while he choose his first one. Our time was doubled since each time he smelt one, Z had to have her chance to smell as well. He finally narrowed it down to two. Axe – Swagger (please no, please no) and Old Spice – Tundra. Old Spice ended up being the winner by a hair based solely on the fact that he could open and close the lid easier. I told him I wasn’t coming into the bathroom each morning to open his antiperspirant for him. I figured part of growing up and using your own deoderant should come with being able to open it yourself lol.

Anyways, he finally choose his “signature scent” and held it all the way throughout the rest of the shopping trip. Apparently the cart wasn’t safe enough for his new found piece of adulthood. I let him go through the self check out himself, although I paid for it, because he obviously isn’t toting around money for personal hygiene at this age, and he carried it like his life depended on it to the car. Little does he know how much his social life might!

As soon as we got into the car he asked to put some one and I recommended that he go home and showered first and then put it on a clean body. I had to explain that even though it smells great, it’s different than soap and he will still need to shower regularly. Well this conversation must’ve fell on deaf ears since later, after I had showered and the kids were playing after dinner, I asked him if he had showered yet. Here he is still in the same clothes and dry ashy skin, yet he has the 8 year old nerve to go ahead and say straight to my face “Yep, smell me” and shove his arm pit in my face.

Like dude. First off, nope. I never want to smell you, thanks but no thanks. But on passing yep, I did catch a whiff of Old Spice Tundra mixed with B.O. so thanks for that Little E. Now FYI just for future reference, rolling on a little deodorant does not amount to bathing. You can’t fool me. He’s adamant that he showered. I know that he didn’t. His dry skin hasn’t seen water in days. So I’m like child, how about you just go now, before this gets to real for you and you get nose deep in shit from me, and take this opportunity I’m giving you to have a REAL shower with soap and scrubbing head to toe. Lotion up when your done, and THEN roll out that fresh pit stick. The world will be a better place because of it.

So he walks out 5 minutes later, damp and REEKING of Old Spice. Felt like I just walked through a collage locker room, I was tryna catch my breath so hard. But hey. He was clean, and not smelling the least bit like body odour. So good for him.

Although I’m trying to decide if this was a win/win situation?


– Nirvana / Smells Like Teen Spirit –

Who Cares What They See? Who Cares What They Know? Your First Name Is Free Last Name Is Dom

So I’ve been really inactive sexually this last year and a half since K and I stopped. I saw a few guys once (like I do/did) but it was such a joke with them, that I didn’t even let them kiss me, although not for lack of trying on their part. Anyways, my toys and I have become well acquainted, let’s just say that. It’s so much simpler, no awkward conversation after, no asking where they work when I don’t care among all the other first time questions, no walking people I don’t care about to the door after when I really just want to go to sleep. Easy. But still satisfying. Mostly.

So for the part I’ve been missing? The conversation. The communication. The aspect of control I’ve longed for in a relationship but never had, the last little bit of exploration to fulfill some final fantasies if you will. So I took some time over the last few weeks to explore some of my own fantasies and kinks if you will, in a safe way, online, and the results were… interesting. A way to pass time to say the least and mind opening at best.

To be honest until maybe a couple years ago, my interest sex wise were very shallow. The basics were fine as long as they happened. But over the past I’ve been more open to exploration into what do I truly want and what actually makes me feel pleasure. And it’s not your average missionary position lets just say that.

I’ve always been interested in aspects of control, and the exchange of power. Maybe it’s because of my life so far, but the idea of having complete and utter control over a mans cock, when and where and how often he comes, if at all, has been intriguing to me. So I found an online community where men were looking for keyholders to do just that. They would lock their dick in a cage and the accompanying app would allow me to determine when the lock was released, sometimes not for weeks or even longer. We obviously set parameters first, and discussed needs and desires for both parties before engaging the lock. But it made me realize that men can want to have someone to control that for them too. They can crave someone telling them what to do. Some asked me for tasks daily which I assigned based on previously discussed kinks and fantasies (which were more than anything I’d ever thought of, which is part of why I stopped) And some, we just conversed daily.

It was an interesting exchange of power. They would greet me first each day, as well as wish me good night. Some would even ask me permission to urinate (I’m assuming this was based on requirements from their previous keyholders) and write me poems etc. The list went on. It felt like anything I asked of them, they did that and more. It was almost as if they craved the attention. So I had to stop, I didn’t want to become to involved with anyone to deeply in case feeling were hurt on their part. For me this was just me dipping my toes in, and may of them were new to. But in the case of building trust, I don’t want to hurt anyone and had to be careful.

As much as I enjoyed the experience and to be honest the attention as well, I felt like this is something that should be experienced on a more one on one basis. Yes I understand that people may not be able to establish that kind of relationship with an individual in real life nowadays, as everything seems internet based, but it felt like there was an aspect missing. I’m not gonna lie though, most of the experience was really appealing and I would definitely consider extending that power exchange more deeply if I found the right person in real life.

So I slowly explained to the guys that I wouldn’t be able to continue and once each of their locks timed out I released them, and wished them the best on their way.

Anyway. I learned tons about the BDSM community in the chat rooms, some I’m all for and would love to explore more and some is just WAY to much for me, but mostly I experienced a sensation that I’ve never felt before. An actual vibration of energy at certain times. I feel like my letting go of who I strictly thought I was and allowing myself to experience new hidden desires is allowing deeper freedom to come forth.

Yeah me! Just call me Dom C ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

– Pharrel Williams / Freedom-

I Donโ€™t Wanna Admit To Something If All Itโ€™s Gonna Cause Is Pain The Truth And My Lies Are Now Falling Like The Rain

Have you every stopped and actually thought about what infinity could and can and does possibly mean?

If you/we are infinite beings, and the universe goes on ‘forever’ then at by definition means that at any given moment, you can be at the center of it. Because to think logically about the illogical, if there is no end and no beginning, then everyone and everything is at all times and never, the middle. Both the controlled and, to be even more frank, the controller.

We are the ones who are always actively choosing which next thought or step we will take from all the thoughts available. Which leads to the idea that all the ‘thoughts’ are all there to choose from the start. All the ideas have already been created, it’s just a simple process of which ones we choose to pull down into our thought process to create our train of thought, which as a result, creates us as a person. So far, there have been no two humans who have created a train of thought that was the exact same. All the available thoughts were there from the start and we all started off on our journeys and created ourselves by building from the choices placed in front of us.

Everything everyday, is a building environment. From is good a beneficial thing? Most choose yes. To is the sunshine hot, again most choices the majority agree on, so creation built up on that. But then humanity split with its choices and decisions. Some factors thought green was the best colour, some enjoyed blue more. And so on.

But now, we have the fact that most of the decisions have been made. Most of the thoughts have been thought. So do we dig into other humans thoughts and try to change them and gain power in our own knowledge and make our train or thought longer? Or do we join trains and become like a snake that devoured its tail, a never ending loop? Or do we compromise and bond side by side or even braid our thought train with others, as we begin to understand other points of view and the fact that our thoughts cannot be hidden from others.

So? Do we choose to continue to fight for what we choose only because it was in a different order than others? Or do we acknowledge that everyone has the same understanding as you, just in a different way and different perspective and so we take the time to learn what made them that way? How they choose that evil was good. How they choose to define the sun as cool? How their thoughts are different but still beautiful in their way, because they are from the same place yours are, just organized differently. And that’s what makes us beautiful and individuals. And right now, society is not prepared to become one again. Humanity is not ready to recognize that we all came from the center of infinity, but maybe we can start to learn that we can work our way back to it, by understanding that we all have the same thoughts within.

They just present themselves differently at this time, because,,, well, only one thought can lead your train, so your leading thought is most likely different than your neighbors, but it doesn’t mean that perhaps thought number two or three or four etc, is the same.

#thoughts

-Eminem/The River-

Welcome To Existence Everyone’s Here / Everybody’s Watching You Now Everybody Waits For You Now What Happens Next?

Today an ad popped up on my Instagram about preparing wills.

This is something I have been purposefully avoiding my entire life.

Not because I’m afraid to die because of death and all that jazz, but because in my will, I will undoubtedly have to name a Guardian for my kids. And I have no one who I would name. At this point in my life there is not a single person or couple that I would want my kids to be raised by other than with me.

My parents are out of the question for many reasons, part being the strained relationship my mother and I currently have. But also, they’re old. I want my kids to have a fun fulfilling life and my parents don’t have it in them to be sitting at soccer practice once a week and dance recitals/school plays all the time. They’ve done the discipline thing (horribly) and I don’t want them (my parents or kids) to go through that ordeal. They are just not the right fit. Sure they’re fine for a visit here and there and I trust my kids with them for like a sleepover, maybe even a weekend or something although that’s never happened, but anything longer would just be to much of them. And I know what to much of them turns into. Been there done that got the postcard and all the bills from therapy type situation.

My older sister R has 4 daughters of her own and as much as I’m sure Z would love being surrounded by sisters (or hate having less attention focused on her) I would feel uncomfortable for Little E being put in a situation like that. Plus they are super strict and highly religious and I’m just not on the same page regarding their beliefs about god or many other things in life, and therefore wouldn’t want that for my two children.

My younger sister N just had her first child last summer. I will admit it has changed her attitude towards life for the better in my opinion. It’s not so much all about her anymore which is nice to see, but the way her and her husband D live is just chaotic. They both love my kids but they have no sense of organization or discipline and they struggle so much with finances that I just can’t add this kind of thing to their life. It would be a lose/lose situation for everyone.

And that’s it. Those were my choices. I thankfully have sole custody of my kids, and they are OBVIOUSLY not going back to E. But I have no friends that are close enough to even consider for the possibility. And you can’t prepare a will without having that plan ready to go to put into the will. Like what am I going to do? Write a will but say ‘ oh I’m not a responsible enough person to have decided who my kids are going to live with so just either let my family decide or make them wards of the state’? Cause that’s basically what I’d be doing so what’s the point.

You can’t name someone Guardian in your will, without discussing it with them first. Like at least make sure they’d be willing and able to do it. I have no one to have that discussion with. I live my life independently from everyone, which as a result has ironically enough left me independent from everyone. So now, I have these two precious children to care for, and I do care for them. So much that right now in my opinion, no one else is good enough to care for them if/when I die. So I have to just not die until they’re old enough to care for themselves. Oh but C you say, what about accidents? What if you get run over by a car tomorrow?

DUH!!!!! So now you see my motherfucking problem. I have to make a will! I have to pay off my debts. I have to plan for them. Z still has 12 more years to go until she’s 18. 12 more years. I’ve only been a parent for 8.5 but I’ve made it this far. First I had to get through the divorce. Now, it’s time for me to actually start looking ahead. Planning for the future. Something I haven’t ever really done before. Everything was just get me through this day, this week, this marriage, this divorce. And now? Well now I need to be able to say get not only me through this life, but my kids through theirs.

So I’ve got to start planning ahead. But how do I plan another parent for my children? Seems like trying to get the past and the future to merge as one. I already picked a dad when I made them, and that didn’t work out well as we all know. As you can see I’m quite hesitant to try again. I don’t want to utterly fail my kids in the parenting department twice… or more.

So needless to say I won’t be writing a will anytime soon.

As dumb as it seems, it seems more logical than wasting time and money on preparing a will when I don’t know what it should say.

-Switchfoot/Dare You To Move-