I’m Not Your Gumdrop, ‘Cause I Walk All Alone I Got My Tough, Tough Power And I Call This Body My Home

Real quick personal post…. hahaha which of my posts aren’t personal, this whole blog is my life story lol. But anyways quick is my point. I’ve made a semi dedicated goal (let’s get real, all my goals are half assed, but let’s see where this one gets me) to get more in shape. Not a New Years resolution, but just something I’ve been complaining about for months and I now have the energy to deal with. So I went back to the gym today and got a body scan done before my workout by the trainer for starting reference and the results surprised me.

So in my head I had a good 50 lbs to lose and I’d be ‘happy’ or at least I feel I’d be more/most comfortable with my body. I’m not 100% sure since I’ve never been that kinda weight my whole adult life. Since all my recent fluctuations I’m now officially back up to 225 lbs. Not something I’m proud of but it is what it is. My goal was always the 170-180 range. I’m 5’9 pushing 5’10 and I felt that was reasonable, but wanted to feel it out along the way. I’m in no way now, nor have I ever been considered petite or small framed. I’m big. Which is just fact. Like I have curly hair. I’m fat. Nothing good or bad either way.

Anyways, one of the trainers at the gym did this scan to figure out weight vs. body fat and muscle etc, and the main thing that stood out to me is that right now I’m at 21% body fat which is less than 50 lbs. And my muscle mass was crazy high in comparison. So I thought being a certain weight would change everything, but this scan made me realize how deeply weight is I only a number. If I get down to my ‘goal weight’ there’s a high possibility that I start to deplete muscle mass which I’ve worked hard to gain. So it just led me to discover that yes, I’m overweight but I’m also quite strong, which I knew. It helped me recognize the work I’ve done so far at the gym has been not in vain and also that sometimes numbers on the scale are just that… numbers.

So while I do still want to lose weight, I think it’s more of a focus on body shape and my image of myself as opposed to just reaching an arbitrary number on the scale. I want to be healthier and mainly I want to be happier. Happier when I try on clothes and they fit the way I want them to. I can’t do anything about every god damn pair of jeans being to short, but I can change how my massive muffin top/beer belly hangs over the front. I can’t change how saggy my boobs are after nursing two kids and the fact that ones more saggy than the other, but I can tone up and be able to have more choices in bras in stock since I won’t only fit the absolute largest one. I can’t do anything about my stretch marks, but I can tighten up my tummy so they aren’t stretched to the max still. So as much as I’m not NOT impressed with my body, there ARE things I can do to improve it. I guess I just needed today to show me how far I have come already and the possibility that my goal of seeing a certain weight reflected on the scale was an unhealthy one. Each body is different and I learned my body is far stronger than I give it credit for. And although I’m not gonna win Miss Universe anytime soon ever, I’m also not going to be blown over in the next breeze and I can be counted on to help you move your couch… and I’m not just talking about holding the door open. This chicks got muscles 💪🏽.

-BAUM/This Body-

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You Seem To Have A Plan My Will And Self-Restraint Have Come To Fail Now

I’ve gained a bunch of weight again.

Last fall/winter I did so well (for me) and lost 49 lbs/3.5 st/22.5 kg take your pick and reached an impressive 206lbs  (impressive for me).  For those of you keeping track I was 5 foot 10 and 255lbs at my heaviest. Yes I know that’s considered obese or even morbidly obese (I hate that label). Anyways, I got to 206lbs and was so excited about being under 200lbs because I honestly don’t think I’ve been less than that since before I met E apart from maybe once or twice in Kenya when I was very ill, but once I got over the disease, the weight just piled back on.

So, come Feb/Mar of this year just at reaching 206, my life fell off the weight loss track. Things with K went downhill, and I sold my house and moved back in with my parental units and then out here to Kelowna, where I’ve just been stressing non-stop. E lost his job so my finances are under pressure. I’ve been struggling to make meaningful friends to share my struggles with, and I’m lonely. And with that I find I’m eating to much.

It’s not like it’s come by surprise. I’m on the scale almost everyday, and everyday I see that number creeping up, and everyday I ‘resolve’ to do something about it, and everyday that ‘resolve’ lasts about 20 minutes until I’m just like fuck it. It’s not worth it.

Reason being? I enjoy food and right now it feels like it’s the only small bit of comfort I have. It’s the only thing I enjoy. It’s warm, filling, delicious, satisfying and so many things I can’t even put into words and right now nothing else in my life brings me anything close to that same feeling. It’s pathetic and difficult to explain to anyone who doesn’t have a massive void to fill like I do, or anyone with self control in this area. But I have self control in most areas of my life. I don’t have anger issues. I don’t succumb to peer pressure. I’m not swayed by money or fame etc. All I want is to feel satisfied. And since I can’t force another human being to love me (trust me, I know exactly what my void is from), I think out of all the options in the world to fill my emptiness, things could be worse.

Anyways. Even with me going to the gym again, my weight has still risen to 220 lbs as of the past few weeks.

No, I’m not proud of it nor am I trying to make excuses for it. Yes, when I was less weight I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror more as well as felt more confident. But right now, I just can’t fight all these battles in my life and win the weight one too. So it’s just not worth it right now.

Like they say, pick your battles, and I have more important shit going on to be constantly getting down on myself for my extremely FUPA. All in due time.

Hahahahaha I write that like I think I’m ever gonna be some trim and fit sports illustrated model. We all know I’m not. But it would be nice to look in the mirror one day and not be able to flap around my belly fat.

Maybe I’ll just win the lottery and get a tummy tuck.

I guess I would have to start buying lotto tickets for that eh?


-Shakira/Hips Don’t Lie-

Girl Look At That Body, I Work Out. When I Walk In The Spot, This Is What I See Everybody Stops And They Staring At Me

So today I finally signed up for Good Life gym. I did a little research on a few different gyms, and this one just seemed to fit my needs the best. There’s one literally right down the street from work downtown right now, plus one close by my current home. There’s also one in Kelowna for once we’ve moved, and there’s no transfer fee so that’s decent I guess. I managed to milk my membership for all it’s worth though lol. I signed up for the two year membership, which cuts down on the monthly fee, and I plan on using both here and once I move long term so why not get a cheaper rate if I know I’ll be sticking with it right? I also got them to give me 6 weeks free access before my fees kick in instead of the 4 week offer that’s currently on, just because I’m amazing like that. I also still asked for the 3 free visits before the 6 weeks free starts, because, well why not right?

As soon as I walked in the door though, I remembered why I’ve avoided the mass market style gyms for so long:

  • Girls going at like level one on the treadmill not even breaking a sweat, but shaking that booty juuuuust enough.
  • Guys walking around with their chests puffed out, making laps around the gym (behind the above mentioned chicks on treadmills of course), but I never actually saw them lift a weight.
  • 4-5 staff members standing around the front desk, gossiping about who knows what….Loudly.
  • The gym selfie people. Either the guy just finished a huge set and thinks his veins are popping, or the girl is perfectly poised to start her hot yoga class. All there in droves, posting to instagram stories I’m sure.
  • Girls travelling in packs like if they separate from the group, the weak ones will be picked off by the ravenous looking men. (It’s a thing, trust me)

All that fun stuff. Plus throw in the mix 2 guys I recognized from… well you know what from. I don’t even remember their names to be honest. All I know, is once I got changed and started my workout, Creep A (since I can’t remember his name) “casually” moved right to the machine smack dab in front of me to use.

I’m seriously doing EVERYTHING I can to focus on my squats and ignore him. I pull my hat brim down low, my music is up high, I’m literally looking straight past him trying to focus on my form and count off reps… But I can’t help notice that he’s only benching as much as I can, well that and the fact he had the worst sweat on his pants down the middle of his ass crack.

It’s like, dude. First off, I know it was only a one night stand, but why did I ever give this guy a chance? Secondly, buddy, don’t try and impress a chick by benching less than 100, just a little hint. Like I know we all have to start somewhere, and I’m 100% for each of us taking steps towards bettering ourselves, cause look at me, prime example here. But guys. Honestly. Don’t try to impress a girl by benching one plate, and looking like you’re struggling. It’s not attractive in the littlest bit. A girl wants to at least imagine that you can sweep her off her feet while fantasizing about y’all, even if it’ll never happen. You struggling with one plate just wipes all illusion about that away. Just a tip (that’s what she said). If you can’t bench more than that, but really wanna try and catch her eye, then walk away and do something you’re good at, which I’m going to assume is the treadmill or something cardio related, judging by all that swass.

Anyways, I finished my squats while ignoring him and moved on to some deadlifts, and I could see he had missed my switch, because while I’m in the middle of my set and watching my form in the mirror, I see him come around the corner scanning the room, blatantly obvious that he was still looking for me. Once he spotted me he ducked back behind the wall, not at all subtle, but 5 seconds later walks back in to a bar near me again.  Ok Creep A. If you wanna hit me up, just grow some balls and come up to me and talk to me, so I can turn you down face to face. Don’t stalk me around the gym while it’s obvious to everyone there that I’m trying to pretend like you don’t exist. Some other guy actually asked me if Creep A was bothering me, that’s how noticeable it was.

I realized upon leaving though, that this is probably going to be something I’ll have to deal with. Being the downtown location of a “brand name” popular gym, and the fact that I like guys who stay in shape (not exhibited in creep A)… This is most likely not going to be the only time I see guys I’ve slept with there. So I guess it is what it is. The one upside I can think of now, is that at least my body looks 50 pounds better than when any of them saw it naked.

And it only goes up from here.

Or down I guess lol. I don’t plan on gaining that weight back.


-LMFAO/Sexy And I Know It-

Been Chasing Dreams, But I Never Slept I Got A New Attitude And A Lease On Life And Some Peace Of Mind Seek And I Find I Can Sleep When I Die

I know… I know, I know, I know.

I got all caught up in editing my previous posts that I stopped posting in real-time which was so dumb of me because, as my life would have it… Everything decided to happen in the past little while.

It’s been probably about 2-3 weeks since I gave any real post regarding my life… and while you’d think, “Hey, what can happen in 3 weeks right?

Ha. Hahahhahahahah.

Well have I got a story for you!!! So while I might have briefly mentioned some of these things I’ll try to go into a little more detail now, although I want to get everything out so this will probably be more of a quantity over quality post… Sorry.

Ok, first off before we get into anything too hot and heavy, y’all have to try out Aerie’s Sunnie bra. I went shopping for new clothes on Friday, since I’ve lost more weight, and a new bra was becoming a necessity. While I was at the mall, I visited 3 lingerie stores searching for my new go to bra. I asked at each store (Aerie/La Senza/La Vie En Rose) if they happen to do bra fittings since I honestly had no clue any more what size I was. I only knew that all my current bra’s were useless. The girl at Aerie was SUPER helpful..The other two stores? Pretty much as useless as my old bra’s. In fact at La Senza, I tried on a good (not great) bra and it was comfortable enough but had all these annoying straps across my chest so I asked a sales girl if they had anything similar but with no straps… her response instead of try to make a sale was “Just cut ’em off” So I promptly left that store. Anyways, I ended finding the MOST comfortable bra at Aerie, and my boobs look amazing! They have literally never been so perky and comfortable ever, let alone at the same time from one bra. So props to Aerie… It’s so good that when I got home I ordered two more in different colours online since they were out of stock in store.  I also found a couple pairs of jeans both in clearance from different stores (how lucky is that) that fit great. I’ve gone down 4 pant sizes, which helps while trying to find clothes. I’m trying not to bulk up my closet too much since I plan on loosing more weight, but after my big clear out, I haven’t had much to wear. So I consider these my temporary clothes lol.

Next, my grandpa called this past Monday and left a message. Not cause I missed his call or anything. But because I didn’t want to talk to him AT ALL, after our last “encounter.” so I ignored the call. He didn’t mention anything about what happened between us, or more specifically what he did to me, which leads me to believe that maybe he doesn’t remember, he might’ve been so high. I really don’t care if he remembers it or not. To me, he’ll forever be a dirty old man now. What’s done is done.

Next, my boss is seriously thinking about moving our company’s office to Kelowna. Which I think I mentioned. But this week, it’s pretty much been all the 3 of us in the office have been talking about. So much so, that my gut instinct is that, yes. We most likely will be moving. And shop talk has the move date as soon as June 2018.

I feel good about it. Worried? Sure a little. But I think it could be good for me. I think I need a fresh start. It’s not like I’m upping my family and moving them to the boonies and not having an idea of what’s coming like when we upped and went to Kenya. This way I’ll have a job, and I at least have a couple sets of Aunts and Uncles as well as a few cousins there already. We’ve been having open conversations around the office about some concerns we may have, mine being mainly financial constraints, and my boss was honest and said it was something they had already considered. He said for example if the cost of living in B.C. is maybe 20% more than our province, than everyone would need a 20% raise. Also he said if I needed help with a down payment, then the company could help and just basically it would be an advance on my bonuses. He just really wants me to move with them, and I’m not against moving, I just want to make sure I can maintain the same quality of life that myself and my kids have become used to, without moving into some cramped 2 bedroom apartment to make this work.

And to finish off this hodgepodge post, K got out of prison.

Why the fuck do I love this man. Seriously. I know y’all are sick of hearing about him, but unfortunately for you, I write this blog for me… As a place to sort out myself. And I need a whole lot of sorting when it comes to him.

While I was in BC for my grandma’s memorial, he called, and because of the whole shitshow with my grandpa I didn’t mention it. But he phoned a couple times. First to tell me about all these reoccurring dreams he was having about me. And it was beautiful and lovely and weird but I was so happy, I mean he must be thinking about me a lot if he’s dreaming about me non-stop right. But then as per usual, time was up and we had to say our good byes. I went to bed that night on a ‘K high’ so to speak. My dream of him getting out and showing up on my doorstep with a bouquet of blue roses (like he got for my last birthday) and asking me to marry him returned that night. But then he called again the next day.  And after leaving me overnight with thoughts of marriage and love and a future together, he calls to explain how it’s never going to work out between us. According to him, his dreams were so life like and freaking him out, because they were more real then dream and he felt like he couldn’t control his emotions anymore. He’s never loved someone so much that they infected his dreams like this.

He explained it well enough I guess. But it left me crying so I tried to get off the phone, to which he said no. That I should stay on the phone with him, and he would stay with me while I cried. So I did. I cried on the phone with him sitting on my grandpa’s deck. And all I could manage to say was I hate you a couple of times. But each time I said I hate you, he said I love you too. And I hated that too.

If you love someone…. Why don’t you just be with them? Why all the dramatics? Why all this reasoning and explaining? Why not just love them?

Anyways I calmed down after a minute, and I was ok for that moment. Until…

K felt it a good moment to ask if we could still fuck. Or something along those lines. I was so mad. SOOO mad. I felt in that moment that I was just a warm place for him to stick his dick and I told him to fuck off and hung up. He obviously tried calling back a few times, which I ignored since I was so incensed.  Over the next few days I didn’t answer any of his calls and even went so far as to block the prisons number I was so pissed. I didn’t want to have to hum and haw over if I should answer his call if/when he called, so I just did what I needed to do in that moment, and blocked him to allow myself the space I needed, so I wouldn’t even have to see if he called or wonder why he didn’t.

Until one night I received a voicemail from a friend and while I was listening to it, I noticed there was a voicemail from a blocked number that was almost a week old.

It was K. He was calling to apologize for his “joke” that was obviously insensitive and letting me know that he was going for a hearing (on the day I was finally listening to the voicemail). He said he would try calling me once when he got out, and if I really wanted to be done with him, than I should just not answer and he would get my drift and leave me alone forever.

It was a lot. I wasn’t expecting him to be out for a couple weeks at best and since I had missed his voicemail, he could be out like… that very minute for all I knew! It was a stressful day. Did I want to be done with K? Of course not. I love him. I just felt like it had been months since we had had a decent conversation, with all of them starting only when he wanted to call, and ending when his time was up, or when he was done talking about whatever he wanted to call for. I didn’t feel like I had been able to truly express my feelings in so long, and it wasn’t fair for myself. I hadn’t even SEEN him again since the time he had finally said he loved me to my face. So yes. I needed to talk to him. Plus so much had been going on in my life and I felt like I had lost my best friend.

So when he called… I answered. In the middle of the supermarket.  Caught way off guard because it was Saturday by now. 2 days after he said he was getting out. So by this time I had  figured maybe he didn’t make parole, or they delayed his hearing, or he didn’t want to call. In any case, I wasn’t expecting his call on a Saturday afternoon.

I didn’t handle it well (as per usual) and said I would call him back that night.

That night… we kinda talked. All I know, is that I explained I’m not into sleeping around anymore. If he wants into my pants, he needs to man up and make me his girl friend. And he won’t. So I told him we can be friends, but nothing past platonic.

Which I hate. Because I still love him.


-Macklemore Ft. Skylar Grey/Glorious-

Hey Big Spender Spend A Little Time With Me

My last couple days have been super productive. Although you wouldn’t know it here since I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve just been feeling a big push to get a bunch of stuff done before the big return to school and just everything that fall brings. Maybe my vitamin shots have helped with the energy too.

So with that said, this past weekend I feel like I spent every dollar I had to my name! It started when I took Little E back to school shopping. Albeit he was far from the problem. In the morning we went through his drawers to get a better sense of what he already had, what fit and what needed to be donated. After he tried on every bottom he owned we discovered that after wearing shorts all summer, none of his jeans/long pants fit anymore (seriously child just stop growing already). So we made a mental note of what we would need and arranged to meet E at the mall. E had just gotten off of work and still needed help with getting flights to Kenya for his fathers funeral, so I figured we could just kill two birds with one stone.

I asked E to take Z and check out a travel agent while at the mall since he informed me that he still hadn’t found flights online (apparently “The Google” was to complicated for him), so E & Z went off and Little E and I started our shopping. In true male form Little E is not a fan of shopping. He was nice about it, and not annoying but every time I suggested something, he would say no thanks, I don’t need it. I did manage to get him to try on a few pairs of jeans and bought 3 that fit. But even when it came to running shoes, I was planning on buying him 2 new pairs, one for indoor at school and one new one pair just to have for everyday use. But little E was insistent on just buying one pair for indoor shoes, saying the pair he’s using now was good enough and that I should “save my money’… So I’m not sure if I should be proud of what I’ve taught him about money/budgets or embarrassed that he thinks I need to save my money? In the end though, as far as school stuff, he ended up with a few pairs of pants, his new Nikes (tradition) and a backpack that in my opinion looks to big but little E loves because who doesn’t love Under Armour? As well as the standard new socks and a couple shirts.

So if that wasn’t enough, in waltzes E letting me know he found a flight. So off we go to pay for an overly inflated flight because it’s through a travel agency and y’all know they have to take their huge cut off the top. But hey it’s E’s decision since he’s paying me back for every cent of that flight. So I drop near three grand on E’s flights (Hey Big $pender) and he headed off this past Sunday to put his Father to rest. And me being how I am, sent him a sms this morning reminding him that today his child support is due today as well as the rest of the money for the flight, because life goes on for the living.

So then, because I guess I felt that the cash I spent on Saturday wasn’t enough or something, I went on Sunday and bought a new computer. I don’t know why I say “new” like I have an old one to compare it to lol. I gave my last laptop to my sister N and her husband D when their apartment burned down a couple years ago (shortly when I returned from Kenya) and they pretty much lost everything. When that happened I started them a go fund me page and raised a few grand directly through that page as well as cash and items that were directly donated to them after we realized go fund me took a portion of the money raised. See what a good sister I am? lol. Anyways, so I bought a new desktop computer on Sunday. Partly for myself so I don’t have to continue attempting to do everything required to run my house effectively through my phone, but also, Little E will be needed some more experience with computers (and Z too I suppose) since life revolves around them now. I choose a desktop just to eliminate the argument of where is it/can I take it to my room/ why isn’t it charged that can come with a laptop or ipad.

So those of you thinking it through… Yes, up until now I’ve almost exclusively written all my posts from my phone (apart from 2 or 3 at work on my lunches). So just think of how much better my formatting and grammar will be when I can actually see the whole screen!!! I’m super excited. The computer is supposed to be delivered tomorrow, but since we head out on Friday for a couple days for my Grandma’s memorial, don’t expect to see a change on here for at least a week. Also if the delivery is late… well sucks to be me, because it will be sitting in my backyard/front step for a week until I get back (even though I was guaranteed delivery yesterday) and common… we all know a new computer won’t last a week in my backyard.

THEN, just because I’m in the money spending mood, I’ve finally figured out where and when I’m going to go on my cruise. I decided, since I’ve always wanted to go to Jamaica, that it will be a stop on my cruise. I’ve been doing research on different cruise lines and which ones are best for kids, and how they operate their “kids clubs.”

I found that most cruise lines have the kids clubs grouped ages 3-5/6-8/9-12 which for me I don’t think would work well, since Z takes time to get adjusted to new situations, unless she is with her brother. So if I want to be able to enjoy any time alone, and actually relax on this vacation, I need Z to feel comfortable being left alone in the kids club, which will be much easier if she is allowed to be with Little E. After searching the top 5 family friendly cruise lines, I found that Princess Cruise splits their kids so that the kids aged 3-7 are grouped together. So for my family, that would be perfect! They also have a cruise at the beginning of November with a stop in Jamaica, and although it’s slightly more expensive than some of the other cruises I’ve seen, it comes VERY highly recommended. Also I guess their kids programs are a little more science/education based which I know Little E will love and they have dance programs for Z which I’m just excited for because she’s my dancing queen.

I haven’t told the kids about this trip yet, and I’m thinking about seeing if I can pull off the whole wake the kids up one morning and tell them were going on vacation that day type thing? I just always thought that would be SO much fun and I know Z would be thrilled, but I am a little worried it would throw Little E off his game slightly, since he’s very into routine and schedules. I’ll have to  think it though.

Anyways, that’s what’s new with me.

OHH, also I did a closet clean out on Sunday too (like I said I’ve been busy). I’ve lost a fair amount of weight (almost 20lbs) and a majority of my clothes were very ill-fitting now. So I followed the Marie Kon method of choosing to only keep what sparks joy, and here are the results. (No I don’t have a dresser as well, this is absolutely all the clothing I own)

I need someone to start a go fund me page for me now, so I can afford to buy a new wardrobe that fits lol.


-Shirley Bassey/Big Spender-