Time Is A Gift On Loan Fate Is Already Known It’s Your Destiny To Make It To The End It’s Your Destiny To Go Against The Trend

When I had the sex talk with Little E last week, I left out a major part, since I felt it deserved its own post.

At some point during our talk of how babies were made, which he had a pretty decent grasp of for an eight year old, we got into the topic of how E and I had sex, and E’s sperm and my egg connected to grow into a baby in my tummy. I told him loosely of how his ejaculation contains millions of sperm and how they race to the egg and how the first one that connects with the egg goes on to create a baby. The egg then grow and multiplies continually into a baby.

This led into a few questions, which prompted this post to break into its own. As I mentioned last time, if the egg wasn’t used, the woman got her period and then prepared a new egg during the next month. Somehow he got confused thinking a woman could only get pregnant once. So I explained, no. Every month she has the opportunity to have a baby. I have both you and Z from Daddy right? And, then I went on to say maybe one day I will find a man to have a new relationship with who loves me and respects me and if we decide we are comfortable with each other and we choose to have sex, then I can again have another baby.

This made him tear up, as he asked “so I’ll have a different dad?” So I had to wonder why it made him so upset. I explained that E would always be his Dad/Father and the one who created him through sex with me, but maybe one day, he could have a man in his life as a role model that he could call dad if he wanted to. I told him I would never be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want him or Z as his own, and that if I were to get with someone we could create a family, but no one would ever replace E as a dad as far as who contributed DNA and who you are as Little E is as a person. Little E was concerned that if I had sex with someone else and made a new baby, and he had a new dad, it would innately change who he was.

And that made me think.

On many levels.

When does life start? When are we created? Not when are we born, but when are we created?

Are we created when the sperm hits the egg? Are we created when we are born and take that first breath? Or are we yet to be created until we as an individual recognize our existence and acknowledge where we can from, both mother and father? Or are we created at the onset of a relationship that will lead to sex, a spark in the eye so to speak (ok that one’s a little far-fetched).

But in the whole circle of life, when is the moment you can look in the mirror and truly say, I’m alive, I am living, and in doing so acknowledge that everything living must die?

What if we are just still eggs or sperm in our ancestors body waiting to be connected to our soulmate, attempting time and time again to plan out the perfect exit plan, or entrance into life? What if we are just thoughts that haven’t actually experienced any of this yet? What if we are waiting to make the connection with the one racing toward us? Whose to say this is life, other than a thought that was thought before us and we all chose to accept without proof?

Because my innocent son thought he could have a new dad if he believed hard enough. He thought he could have me as his DNA mom and a new DNA dad, and it made me question what have I come to believe to be “true” just because someone said it. How deep of a connection can we create with someone? How far back can we go? How alive are we at this point that things are irreversible?

Yes we can touch and feel things etc, but whose to say that there isn’t so much more than that, and we aren’t just the start of something so much bigger and better that no one has yet to experience, so we’ve yet to discover and therefore no one discusses/believes it.

Whose to say we aren’t just the egg / sperm waiting with all our knowledge to connect with someone else and create a new life / universe/ experience, literally anything we want to call it?

Food for thought.


-Petra/Destiny-

 

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The Scars Of Your Love Remind Me Of Us They Keep Me Thinking That We Almost Had It All

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?

Physically pains you to think about the sheer amount of emotion you have for them?

The desire you have for them to… to just have everything they ever wanted, no matter what it is. You just truly want them to be happy and to succeed, and you know they will. You wish them the best in finding what their heart desires and embracing it wholeheartedly.  The amount of time spent thinking about them. Hoping they are ok. Hoping they are more than just ok. Hoping they are excelling at whatever they are doing in that moment. In any moment. In every moment. Hoping they have friends around them they can trust. Who lift them up, and encourage them, that make them smile, and listen to their thoughts and stories. Keep them safe, laugh with them, debate with them, make sure they are smiling, while helping guide them down their path on the journey they choose.

Have you ever loved someone so much that spending time with them is so bitter sweet? Because while you are with them, it is everything good and comforting you’ve ever known, and so you revel in it. While you’re with them you are constantly thinking of what little things you could do to improve their day, to ease their stress, and brighten their mood.  But when they leave it breaks your heart. Possibly even causes uncalled for tears to escape from your eyes?

Have you ever loved someone so deeply, that you dream about them at night? Only to wake up with tears in your eyes and then realize you’re lying in bed alone. Again?

So, in an attempt to eliminate the pain, the pain that happens when they leave. The pain that happens each time you part ways, you do what you think is best, and choose to love yourself. It takes work. And time. And so much effort. But you realized that you have to be stronger. You choose to protect yourself, from that repeated pain. Not that the pain was ever intentional, never, of course not, it only came when they were gone, so it was only their absence that ‘inflicted’ the pain. But that pain was becoming too much. When they started giving you more and more of what your heart so desired, time, touch, everything beautiful…. you feared the day it would stop, because it was so wonderful, but also realized that you didn’t deserve for it to ever stop. You were the perfect woman for this man, you always have been and you deserved to have these things forever.

So one day, after waking up from a night full of dreaming of him, you took all the strength you had in you and your newfound but never lost love you have for yourself, and in the most real, truthful, beautiful, kindest way you knew how, you built up those walls to protect yourself. From losing everything you had ever desired. The perfect man for you. Your love.

Because you needed it. The other people in your life still needed you to properly function daily. They can’t have you walking around crying because you lost the love of your life. So you stop it before it gets to deep. While you feel you would still be able to recover from this loss. Before it became everything you dreamed. In case it ever got to that point. And you lost it.

Of course you still love them, that never stops. And if they asked, you would be with them in a heartbeat.

But for now, you just love from a distance.

To save yourself the pain of the separation. Because that pain isn’t necessary.

You can love someone, but you don’t have to hurt yourself in the process.

As for me?

My love is so deep. And if this was written on paper it would be covered in tear drops. So I don’t know if I retreated in time, because I’m barely functioning.

But I’m also still loving.


-Adele/Rolling In The Deep-

 

I’m Standing Up, I’mma Face My Demons I’m Manning Up, I’mma Hold My Ground I’ve Had Enough, Now I’m So Fed Up Time To Put My Life Back Together Right Now

Well. I have outdone myself.

I once again let fear get the best of me. How, C did you manage to fuck up this time you may be wondering? Fair question, since there are a vast number of scenarios that are probably cascading through your minds if you are a long term reader.

Welp. This time, I managed to push away someone, nay, probably the only one in my life who currently was making any effort of caring for me. The reason? I was scared. Scared of getting to close. Scared of forming any kind of bond. Scared of making a connection that could possibly be broken.

So in my very twisted mind, I figured I should stop it before it even started. Except that it’s not the first time I’ve tried to stop this particular relationship. In fact it’s probably been at least a handful of times I’ve pushed K away, and he keeps gracefully coming back. Which I’m so thankful for.

But that’s my problem. I know I love him. More than I’ve ever loved or thought possible to love anyone ever. And that’s why I’m so scared to let him close. Because I’m so terrified of getting hurt by him. I’m so scared of letting him close, and then him not wanting me. So in my heart, that’s been broken so many times before by other individuals, I feel like it’s better to just take preventative measures. Kinda like let me just stop the hurt before it starts.

I keep pushing him away, and holding him at a distance. Not even holding him there. Just wanting him away, or close by forever. But the thing is, he’s not trying to have a romantic relationship, probably because I pushed him away to many times. He’s literally just trying to be the nicest guy in the world. He just wants to be friends. He just comes over and plays hockey with the kids or watches movies or just chills in general. He just wants to be a guy Little E can look up to, so he wants do take him out to like the Black Panther movie and give Little E a positive black role model. He just wants to chat on the phone and have good conversations.

So what do I go ahead and do?

Tell him I can’t handle that. I can’t have him calling me sweetheart because I don’t want to be his sweetheart, I want to be his wife. I tell him I don’t deserve this level of whatever relationship we have. I want more. I deserve more. Every time he’s here and I have to hold back everything I’m truly feeling for him because the kids are around and we’re not dating, we’re just ‘friends’ I hate it.  I want to be able to just hug him or kiss him at will, not caring who sees because I don’t care who sees. I love him.

But he’s put these boundaries on me because of his feelings and out of respect for me because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. He says he’s not ready to give up things in his old lifestyle, and doesn’t want any harm to come to myself and the kids once he gets involved in those things again. And I can’t handle that it feels like all the control was in his hands. I don’t deserve that. I can’t deal with that.

It’s not that he doesn’t treat me with respect and love, he does. It’s that he’s the only person who ever has. And I love it. But I want more. and I can’t handle not having that.

So I pushed him away. Again. And I doubt at this point he will come back.

Not because I was mean or rude… I don’t think. But basically I told him that yes, I obviously still love him. I always have. And I deserve love back. The way he said he loved me. And I won’t accept anything less. Because I’ve learned to love myself the way he himself told me I deserved. So I know what it should feel like.

But I know everyone has free will and gets to make their own choices. Mine will always be to love K. So maybe it was stupid to push him away. Or maybe it was what I needed to see that I wasn’t getting what I deserved from him.

Either way, I still love him.

And I know what love means to him. He didn’t say it lightly. But when he did, it was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard, and I will remember all those moments forever.

I love you C, over and over and over.

That will always and forever be my favorite thing I’ve heard.


-Eminem/Not Afraid-

If It’s Love And We Decide That It’s Forever No One Else Could Do It Better

And now ladies and gentlemen,  what you’ve all been waiting for (lol)

My brutally honest and never to be used (since I have zero desire to open a dating profile again) dating profile.

First, let me start off by saying, like most of you, I have no idea how to properly start this thing. How do I ‘sell’ myself to someone I’ve never met? How do I know what they’re looking for? How do I know what they’re not looking for and what might scare “you”… my potential “perfect” man away? But in the spirit of this post, I’m just going to be honest… in my good ol’ C fashion. Which trust me lol is going to scare you all away anyways.

So, let’s get the basics out-of-the-way. I believe in the dating world its “ASL” or for us newbies- Age, Sex, Location. (Ok, so I just realized I’m not going to reveal everything like location, due to some privacy but you’ll get my drift lol).

Age. I’m officially old. I hit the 30’s back in October which I’m feeling fine about, since age doesn’t bother me, it really is just a number. In the past I haven’t ever made a big deal about my birthday, but they actually are important to me. I think I just let them slide because no-one close to me felt the need to congratulate the fact that I survived another year on this earth with a big celebration. So if you want to date me, it is important to me that you at least acknowledge my birthday with a small gift, or even better, arrange for a special date night. This would be even better is you repeated it every year on my birthday because, surprise surprise, those things continue each year on the same day until I die. I don’t expect fancy gifts, or even want big expensive presents. I prefer time spent together and just the fact that you remember and are happy that I’m still alive and was born however many years ago is so valuable to me. Because without my birthday, you wouldn’t have found the woman of your dreams. Although flowers would be nice.

Sex. Well, I’m very much a female, whose looking for a manly man. I don’t mean a man who needs to walk around in red plaid and suspenders swinging an axe all the time, but I also mean… A MAN. Like ok, I like the fact that men can grow beards, and can for the most part, grow amazing beautiful big muscles that just looks good on them (hey this is my honesty), but I also like the ones who recognize that men and women are different and are sensitive to that separation. I’m not talking about keeping woman in the kitchen type shit (more on my kitchen skills, or lack thereof later) I mean a man who will understand that my body is made different and yes, our minds sometimes work different and our emotions can be different. But most importantly he understands that that difference is NOT weakness. So yes, I am a female with female curves and female hormones and a very female vagina. Please be a male with original working parts. I’d like to use them often.

Location… Welp, that’s for me to know.

Next, Imma let you know straight off the bat that I have two kids that are better than any you’ve met before. Yes, they are from the same dad. No, I’m not a skank who slept around and randomly got pregnant. Well I have slept around, but never produced a kid from it. My offspring are both from a marriage that failed miserably. Yes, their Dad is still kinda in the picture. They see him about once a month for a few hours at a time. No, he doesn’t ever call. No, he never just “pops by’ the house for a visit. No, he is not going to be an issue. I’m technically still married though because he has still not signed the divorce papers yet. Yes I’m trying to push the divorce through faster, but sometimes life is just not on my side.

So anyways, my kids. I treat them like actual humans with real and valuable emotions. They have chores and responsibilities around the house to learn that the world is not handed to them on a silver platter but some things are earned. I teach them manners and about respect. I explain to them that loving themselves is the most important thing though because it sets a precedent on how you should expect others to treat you. I would appreciate and enjoy any potential partner to act as a father figure if you feel comfortable doing so. In fact, I don’t see myself with anyone long-term who cannot accept my children as his own. In the future however, should we choose to have children of our own, then how we choose to raise those children would have to be decided on 100% mutually. Although I can tell you right now, that yep I do support spanking in a controlled environment as long as it’s not done out of anger. I think the parent is first and foremost a parent. Kids will have plenty of friends in their lives, but a parents role is to mold and shape the humans of the future, so I have to make sure I’m teaching them as much as possible about right from wrong, about kindness and love. My goal is not to try and make my kids like me. But make them love me long-term for the heart and soul I instill in them, and choose their own path.

Next, I’m actually expecting big things from a partner as far as a social life. Right now, I don’t get out much. I don’t have a ton of friends due to many moves around the world, changes in jobs, and basically cutting off a lot of dead weight in my life as far as social situations go. So I’d love it if the guy I date would actually do things with me. I know this seems like given, but it hasn’t been in my life, so it’s extra important to me. It would knock me off my feet if a man planned a date from start to finish for me. It would show me that he cared enough about me to invest the time thinking about what I might enjoy and then following through in arranging it for me (I’m actually still shocked that this happens in the real world).

Some things I would like to do? Please no movies or boring coffee dates, although I understand those are good for just getting out of the house every once in a while. But I honest to goodness crave adventure. I wanna go to an amusement park and go on the roller coasters. I wanna go to the shooting range and shoot guns (so much fun) I want to go quading and snowmobiling. I want to own a boat one day and just spend the day speeding around and drinking beers on the lake. Take me sky diving. Book us a mini holiday to a warm beach somewhere, heck take me on a cruise! And please, please for the love of everything good take me dancing. No matter how bad you may think I suck in comparison to you, I love to dance. So take me dancing, and be good at it. But never EVER take me camping in a tent. Not unless you previously set it all up and plan on cooking every meal yourself over the fire pit and are ok with me sitting in a super comfy recline lawn chair that you personally packed me, along with my favorite book by my favorite author (Ted Dekker) covered in bug spray. Nope scratch that, you built me a gazebo with a full mosquito net around my chair, that still lets the sun through, cause a girls gotta tan. Yeah… you should just probably plan on never going camping with me.

That being said, I like my alone time. I’m an independent woman, I don’t have to be with you every second of every day. I honestly don’t even have to know what you’re doing all the time. Like if I say I trust you, then I trust you. Just don’t be shady about shit ok? You wanna go out with the guys? By all means have at ‘er. I would hope you would feel free to tell me you’re going. It’s called communication, it’s how properly functioning adult relationships thrive. You don’t have to lie to me. I’m not your mom. ‘Cause I know you’re coming home to me, and not only that, but I would trust that you’re not messing around while you’re out. Because you chose me to be in relationship with. Just how I would expect the same level of trust from you. And if you don’t think you could do that, then move along.

Ummm, other honest little tidbits about me. I’ve recently lost almost 50 pounds, as well as started working out with a trainer. I actually love going to the gym, but with my kids its been difficult to go as often as I would like and I’m hoping once I move, I’ll be able to go more like 4-5 times a week as opposed to twice like now. Currently, I just work out with my trainer, but eventually I think it would be fun to work out with my boyfriend/S.O. every once in a while. I think it would be a great bonding experience, motivational, and I see zero downside of staying healthy together.

Staying in the vein of healthy, I’m not the best cook in the world, just because I find no joy in it. I’m probably not even the best cook in my house and I only live with my two kids. But I do my best to provide them with a balanced diet that includes all the food groups and teach them to eat until they’re satisfied. So if you can cook? Well that’s a huge bonus. But if not, I haven’t killed anyone yet from my cooking (that I know of) and I’ll always try my best…actually that’s a lie, I’ll always at least make sure there’s a meal on the table every night, but would actually love if we shared cooking duties.

I’m not interested in being a stay at home mom/housewife. I enjoy work. It’s challenging and makes me cringe some days, but I’d choose it over spending my days at home with the kids anytime. Did I take a year off work when each of my children were born? Of course, and I would do it again. I think that initial bonding time is vital. Plus nursing was my favorite, being all snuggled in bed with a baby while you literally feed them from you, it’s amazing. But then, after a year I’m back at work. I think it helps me be a better mom, to get away from the house and kids during the day. Then when I come home, I appreciate them more. I’m looking for a man who also values work. I don’t care what you do, as long as you like it, and have fun. Literally it could be anything as long as it doesn’t put my kids or myself in danger and brings in the cash. As it is, I support us decently enough (although lately that’s debatable) so anything you make is literally just gravy. (ie all those dates I mentioned above hint hint)

Some more about me that you might find disconcerting lol. I blog. About my personal life… so that might be an issue we can discuss if it bothers you. I smoke weed. Started off for my seizures (oh yeah I’m epileptic), but then it turned into an every night thing which my doctor said was ok. Even still, I test myself every once in a while by not doing it for a week or two just to make sure I’m not addicted… so far so good. I’m not a big fan of alcohol, but don’t mind a drink every now and again and it doesn’t bother me if you do. It would bother me I think, if you downed 3-5 beers a night though, or did any other recreational “things.”

So with all that being said, I’m just looking for a man who chooses me. Actually no. Not any man. Opps I just realized I’m picky too, but this is my ridiculously honest post sooooo. I like black men only. I like guys who are 6 feet minimum. I like guys with muscles. I like guys who read. I like guys who can think for themselves. I desire a man who holds me in his sleep just because I’m his. I want sex. A lot of sex, and I may or may not have a fantasy that requires rope. I require a guy who smiles and makes me laugh because that brings him joy. A man who can talk to me because we’re best friends. A man who believes in good vs. evil and that good is the champ. I want a man who can decide for himself and stick with his choices. I want a man who doesn’t care what other people think, about him or us. I want a man who will protect our love, because we have chosen each other and that is the most valuable commodity there is.

I want a man who thinks love is the greatest most powerful thing there is.

And so he chooses to love me.

*Now we know why I’m still single*


-Train/If It’s Love-