I Always Hear People Complain About The Place That They Live That All The People Here Are Fake And They Got Nothin’ To Give ‘Cause They Been Starin’ At Somebody Else’s Version Of Shit That Makes Another City Seem More Excitin’ Than It Is

Since moving, I’ve realized how terribly and utterly alone I am.

I’ve been crying far too much. To the point that it’s begun to affect my day-to-day life.

For example, each time my phone makes a sound, for some pathetic reason I hope that maybe this time someone is calling to check on me to see how I’m doing, or how the move went. But no, normally it’s a bill notification or a text from my boss etc. I’m literally crying because I just feel like all the decisions in my life have led up to this… and I hate this.

I have no one to talk to about the deep stuff that’s been fucking with my mind for almost a year now.

***Pause, my boss just brought me a latte and cinnamon bun, so we had a little break. Yep, I’m typing this at work because I’m currently in total ‘fuck it’ mode, let’s just call it a lunch break***

I was going to say I think people around me are starting to realize how unhappy I seem, but I can’t talk about what’s actually bothering me, because I know it’s deeper than the regular everyday stuff that people deal with. I know it has a lot to do with moving here. I know it has a lot to do with certain people in my life, or more specifically them not in my life how I would prefer now. But when people ask how I’m doing, or if I’m okay, the only answer I know will suffice for the moment is “I’m good” because I’m really not interested in trying to explain what’s really going on. Although judging by the latte and snack plus a few other things people have been doing for me lately, I’m obviously not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.

Either my answer is not good enough, or my constant red puffy eyes aren’t fooling anyone. Oh well.

How would you explain it to people who are just living out there in the world that maybe our lives aren’t…. real? Nah, more like our lives are all just whatever we perceive. And if we choose to, we can literally perceive nothing.

Nothing at all.

Would you be ok with going back to whatever mundane life you are living now? Knowing, or not knowing, thinking, perceiving and basically imagining and forming yourself as you are? Realizing that all our thoughts are connected, and in that thought, that you can ‘think’ to another ‘body’?

That perhaps our bodies are just an outward perception of our thoughts. But they don’t really “exist” and therefore, nothing does. Nothing but the original “thought” that started thought? Or if you prefer to call it the universe? Or if you prefer to call it God? Or you may choose to call it your higher-self? Either way, once you have cleared all the debris from your mind, and reached, or found the initial “thought/moment/time/instance’ that started your souls journey, do you think it would be easy for you to come back to who you are in this present day, in the now, and act like your just ok with whatever’s happening?

I’m not. Like right now, I’m seriously just trying to focus on stopping all my thoughts. Literally I’m zoned in on ending all my perception. But at the same time (here’s where I lose most of you, if anyone is still reading) I know I’m not crazy.

I still function as normal. I’m still 100% in control of my thoughts. I can still choose when and where I go deep in my thoughts to find that “starting” point. And, weirder yet, in doing so, I know it has some influence on my universe. Because things around me are changing. I’ll think about things in my mind, and moments later, the radio personalities will discuss the same situations. Or, I’ll feel others thoughts if I allow myself to. If I want to think of my mom, I will. And I can, in my focused thoughts, suggest in my mind to her that she call me, and moments later she will.

Those are just a few circumstances that let me know I’m not crazy. They allow me to remember that it’s not all in my head. That I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. That I have my legitimate thoughts, and at the same time, I’m “interacting” if you will with others thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe I’ve been dealing with this for much longer then I’ve consciously known… Perhaps to the point that E’s mental illness might have been connected to me…. which is not my favorite thought, but if we all have this capability, then perhaps he just couldn’t control the thoughts of others that were in his head.

Maybe we all have this ability. Fuck it, we probably all have the ability to access it. But not everyone finds it. Doubtful that anyone previously has found it to this degree, or we’d have more information on the subject. So what now? Because it is so unbelievable, so fuckin scary at first, pushing through all the paranoia, and disbelief. But maybe our souls have been trying to reach out to us since the beginning of infinity but, as infinity grew, so did the distance between us and our initial thought, making it harder for us to potentially find “ourselves”.  We have been so bound to our bodies, and what we’ve known, that we are so unwilling to accept that perhaps there is more.

Perhaps we are all connected in a much deeper level.

Imagine if we all came from one thought.

Close your eyes and try to think of nothing.

Not the pressures of this world and everything external that we perceive.

Where does that take you?

I’ve found amazing indescribable things, to the point that all I can say is I feel no one is on my level, and I feel very, very lonely.

So if you ask me, I’ll lie right to your face and say I’m good.

Not because I’m good, but because how do you explain that ⇑⇑, before 9:00am?

Also, very important side note, most times, no matter how hard you try, you can’t convince someone to do something they just really don’t want to do. Especially if the thought is nowhere in their head to begin with 🙁  Everyones soul is on their own path, and sometimes, you just can’t change it.

Anyways, trust me I’m not crazy, my kids are safe and yes I’m totally living my day to day life as per usual.


-Drake/Emotionless-

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It’s Beauty In The Struggle, Ugliness In The Success Hear My Words Or Listen To My Signal Of Distress

My sister N and her husband D had their first baby yesterday.

A cute little girl with a massive mouth the size of N’s…. but I didn’t say that… out loud. That’s the thing about newborns. They really aren’t that cute. Oh of course everyone says they’re adorable, and they are! New life and all that good stuff is amazing. But they are also butt ugly. Eyes too big for their heads, swollen lips and genitals from being pushed through the birth canal. You really can’t fault them for not being able to put their best foot forward when they literally have no choice but come head first. (Oh my god I’m so clever lol) But we as a ‘nice polite society’ have taken it upon ourselves to be overly kind and say each and every baby is beautiful and adorable, just to not hurt feelings. Whatever. Point is, they don’t stay that way forever and for the most part turn our adorable anyways.

My kids were AWFUL  looking, like fricken toads slash chubby sumo wrestlers and now I’ll be honest and say they’re gonna go on and break hearts one day. Things change. No big deal. I think it was worse trying to agree with someone when they would comment on my newborn as they were saying something like “oh he’s so cute” knowing deep down myself that he looked like a turd by society’s standards, because I knew it didn’t matter. I knew I loved him, and I know looks are only skin deep. So why can’t we be honest if someone is not that attractive? Like why do we have to go to such great lengths that we lie about it?  If you don’t think they are cute, I’m not saying call it out and say they look ugly, because that’s only your opinion. But I’m thinking you don’t have to lie about it just to go along with the crowd and do what’s always been done, kinda in a save face sort of way. It is possible to just keep your mouth shut and carry on with your day. I’m jus sayin’.

Anyways, my sister is so happy that the baby came early, since she wasn’t due until Friday June 29th, which is the day after we leave for Kelowna, so she’s glad we get to meet baby F at our going away dinner tomorrow night.

Since these are our last few days here, I have so much to do, which is why I’m 100% procrastinating and blogging instead. It gets to the point where I plan it all in my head, then put it off and put it off, and then at the last-minute work really hard under pressure. At least that’s how I hope it goes this time lol. Either that or it’ll be a chaotic mess and I’ll end up running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but so far the former has worked for me.

“Kon Marieing ” my life has made this move so much easier. I don’t have a lot of useless shit to pack. Plus we’ve been living at my parents house since April when my house sold and basically have just our one suitcase each, so that’s all I have to worry about packing this time around.

Last week I made the final “installment” if you will on my house deposit and paid all the lawyer fees etc. I’ve decided to leave Thursday after work and drive part way, then stay at a hotel for one night before doing the other half of the drive on Friday. Originally I was going to do it all in one shot, but I figured it’ll just be easier on the kids to do only about 8 hours on Friday… we’ll see. Then we’ll stay at my Aunt’s in Kelowna on Friday night and meet my realtor on Saturday at the new house for the keys. I arranged for our storage bin to be dropped off on Friday so we have the whole long weekend to unpack and get settled. Oh shit I just remembered I still have to set up utilities. Add another thing to the ever growing to-do list. Next Monday the kids will go see the daycare they’ll be at for the summer and get a quick tour, and then Tuesday I’m back at work. And that will be that. Seems like a plan, but we’ll see what else life throws at me between now and then.

Whatever happens I plan on blogging more regularly once I’m there.

Living with my parental unit has not been the most enjoyable thing and I’ve just had everything in my life rearranged. But hopefully things will get more settled soon and I’ll be back to me, but a newer improved version of me.

So, I figure that’s enough wasting time, and I should go and get some of my stuff prepped… like utilities for example lol.

Til next time, which might be from our new home, C.


-J. Cole/ Love Yourz-

I Wanna Start Letting You Know This Because Of You My Life Has A Purpose You Helped Me Be Who I Am Today I See Myself In Every Word You Say

What would you do if you lived forever.

For real. How would you feel if you truly understood that INFINITY was, well infinite? Even more compelling and alarming, how would you react if you recognized that your life was part of it.

Just a small part of a universe that quite literally never stopped. No matter what you did, the universe will continue to move and grow. With each thought and breathe and movement, it’s expanding. Would that encourage you to make your movements count? Or would it make you feel like nothing you did was worth anything, and would it make you feel like giving up, right then and there.

What if some knowledge was imparted to you where certain actions if you choose them, might possible change the course of the universe? Would you believe that? Or would you assume your brain, mind, consciousness is fucked up?

But in all seriousness (j/k what even is seriousness nowadays) what if someone found this out FOREVER ago… that the two of you were important players in this game, and therefore was literally playing with you, with your life, and you didn’t even know it. All you were trying to do was love them?  What if your whole life as you knew it was some sort of “test” on this infinite loop in the universe? And they… the other player in this higher mind, had assumed you had known this whole time, thinking you have been fighting the good fight. But meanwhile, you have literally been struggling to survive. Because the fight got too hard, the challenge became to big. And quite frankly, you gave up and decided they weren’t worth it.

When you think about it, really think about it…. how many memories do you have that maybe don’t belong in your life as YOU. Yet all we have are a string of memories. Continuing forever. Until they don’t. Maybe we all have a soul mate/twin flame whatever that we started this journey to “earth” which remember while dealing with infinity, is still a drop in the bucket. Before “we came”, we planned so many different scenarios/situations to live out, having quite literally more than all the time in the world to do so, and now here we are. But what if…. what if, we’ve come to the end of our plan? And one of us whats to go back to our “soul-state” more that the other?

Do we create a hypothetical “heaven” through “love” or is it through our belief and trust in ourselves? Or the fact that we are all, literally, Gods in the most basic sense?

Something to chew on.

Because I’ll let you know, I’ve felt it.

Heaven if you will. When I allow myself to trust these very facts written here. When I allow myself to love someone I quite literally have grown to hate, I feel heaven. And it is indescribable.

I’d love for you to join me in the creation of it. Because I know I don’t have enough faith to do it alone. Our thoughts are powerful. And IF, by chance this life is “pre-ordained” or planned out to a point that no matter what we do, it’s planned from the start, then it goes without saying that following your instincts would give you the best results right? Because who in their right mind would plan out a bad life for themselves, right? So if we just follow all the signs we’ve left for ourselves along the way, and trust our gut… we should be good to go.

In theory…


-Simple Plan/This Song Saved My Life-

Not ‘Cause She Ain’t Livin’ / And This Here Ain’t A Scrimmage Mothafucka, We Ain’t Finished

This morning I woke up determined to have a good day. Actually that’s a lie. I woke up about an hour before my alarm having to pee. So after I used the bathroom and crawled back into bed, Z walked into my room and asked to snuggle. So I pulled her up and tucked her in then listened to her fall back asleep.

Then I laid there and started crying as quietly as possible as to not wake her again.

Like I’ve done most days for the past little while.

But as I laid there and tears rolled down my face silently, I looked over and saw Z sleeping. Peacefully. Because she trusts me. No matter how fucked up things have been for me, my kids trust me to care for them and take care of them. They trust me enough to sleep easy at night. So I can’t fuck it up.

I have to make it work.

I have to keep pushing through.

Even though last night I felt like giving up to the point I planned out exactly how I would do it…give up, my kids trust me. Maybe they shouldn’t, but they do.

So I gathered her in my arms and held her while I cried and decided that I would just have to take all the shit the universe sends my way for the sake of my kids. Maybe. just maybe, if I take enough of the burden, there will be less evil for them to bear later down the road.

To watch her wake up and snuggle me and see her love… was hard to hold the tears back in front of her. But instead we put on the music, and started our day.

I put on my big girl pants and a smile determined to make the best of whatever I have. I still have no idea how I’m going to make up the money deficit I have, but I decided to try to do it with dignity and grace. To try and make my kids proud. Because for some reason, they believe in me.

So I got up and got ready for the day. I put on a full face of make-up which is rare. I attempted a new hair style, which sort of worked out. I made myself a proper lunch and even grabbed an apple for breakfast. And then headed out the door to greet the day.

Well literally ONE step out my back door, and the world was like “nope. not today C” because I slipped on the ice and fell right on my ass. For a split second I considered staying there. Honest to god, I thought maybe I should just take the fucking hint already, and not get up this time. I should just call into work and crawl back into my pajama’s and back into bed and NEVER get out. How nice would that be?

But instead Z asked if I was ok, and I lied and said yes, dragged myself up, wiped myself off, and here I am at work.

Again.

I really was initially determined to have a good day. And I really don’t want all my posts to be just me complaining about life.

So with that said, my next post which is inspired by a title I glanced over yesterday, is a work in progress (which is RARE, since I normally write all my posts in one sitting, about whatever’s on my mind at the moment), and won’t be about my day-to-day life. The post I saw was called something like “What would be in my dating profile if it were completely honest.” Which I thought would be fun and refreshing.

No, I’m not looking to meet/date anyone new right now. Nor am I looking to write any profiles for any dating websites/apps anytime soon, but just thought this would be a fun glimpse at me.

Plus it gives me something to focus on other than my body aching from the car accident and the fall, or my financial issues. So you can look forward to that, although *spoiler alert* I”m pretty much exactly how I seem in my blog… So I doubt there will be many surprises lol.


-Rihanna N.E.R.D./Lemon-