Leaving To Find My Soul Told Her I Had To Go And I Know It Ain’t Pretty When Our Hearts Get Broke

The fact that I am alive is proof enough that I am a God.

No one can confirm for sure how the world started.  Not when or how or at what point, which leaves it wide open for interpretation on exactly how or why we got to this place in history or the present place in the universe.

Did we come with a purpose? I believe so. Once being to discover the fact that just being here makes our journey complete. We fundamentally have made it by making ourselves. We came. We saw. We each individually have essentially conquered the obstacles of creation by mutually not only choosing to co-exist but at the same time to create the same reality we all choose to collectively perceive and view as real or life if you will.  That fact, in and of itself makes us all God, or a portion of ‘God’ or a ‘soul’ on the outside, all jointly looking in on this world we have created and living out through human existence.

Many over the course of this dynamic perception have  tried to explain this phenomenon. Some use science to get closer to the answer. Some simply trust in the unknown God/deity they choose to represent the beginning. Other pure and simple refuse to acknowledge that question at all, which leads them not searching for an answer. In fact the large majority of today’s population have been satisfied with just living that they have no desire to wonder how their life came into being in the first place. They have become complacent. The are satisfied with a big bang, or a creation, but when it comes down to it, humans are afraid to dig deeper. Since when you try to truly uncover further into the origins of not only the world, but yourself, it will leave you looking starkly at one thing and one thing only.

No matter which theory you align yourself with, we all started at the same place. All at the same time. When I say ‘we’ I don’t mean on the surface level of the life ‘we’ live as you read this. I dive deep into us as a humanity and a universal perception.

The creation of this reality had to start in A moment. Where we all collectively branched out on our own journeys to create at will. Maybe we went from one to a million in an instant big bang style. Maybe ‘we’ collectively planned our futures and our memories and agreed we would just agreed to have thoughts and memories that extended so far back to create a reality and at the count of three wake up one morning go on our way. Maybe ‘we’ split in two and then four and then eight etc, like a baby in the womb. Maybe, we did all of the above, and agreed to each carry a different version of the conception deep in our thoughts hidden in so many lifetimes. This would help us to never return to the loneliness of being one together, since we knew we would never allow our views to change once spread so vast and becoming so hardened.

But once spread out and functioning as a world as we are now, what if two or more individual humans began to think as one again on such a level that they shared this kind of information? What would it do to the origins of the entire perception of the world? It could destroy it. It could destroy the original ‘creation’ that came from thinking independently. The separation and joy and individuality that came from the creation, that allowance to have different thought processes and different opinions that would have never occurred had we all remained as one, would be wiped out. We would return to that being of oneness.

So the fact that from the source and the beginning there are differences should bring the most joy as well as enlightenment. Joy to know the source of this world had knowledge to discover it must become different in order to expand and create eventual life. And enlightenment to acknowledge that you are a byproduct of that source.

This empowering knowledge lends to the discovery that along the way our thoughts at one point in the past were connected. Before we became so focused on the perception of this tangible reality, we were all connected and intermingled not as humans, but as souls, or thoughts. So if we did it before, lived as one in a bodyless haven, why should we limit ourselves to the possibility of creating this reality or perception we see every day, and focus instead on uncreating or returning to that for our souls.

I’m not suggesting it will happen overnight, as many indiscretions have been made against each other or each soul or thought process throughout this creation process since our infinite decision long ago to part ways. It will take many conscious repairs to mend bonds that were broken along the way, but can be made easier with the knowledge that we are all the source and the beginning, and therefore we all originally had intentions of creating a reality. Did we know exactly how it would turn out? No because we gave each other the freedom to create and be individuals. But with the brokenness, we may not feel like it on the surface, but our souls are longing for healing.

We are all longing to come back home to ourselves as one. Where we all began.

 

-Macklemore / These Days-

 

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Well, It’s A Marvelous Night For A Moondance With The Stars Up Above In Your Eyes A Fantabulous Night To Make Romance ‘Neath The Cover of October Skies

K, fall is actually my favorite season. I’m hoping here, despite the huge amounts of rats I have to deal with (sigh) I’ll get to enjoy it for a longer amount of time. No, I’m not talking about pumpkin spice latte and leggings with those awfully popular uggs (I know they’re super comfy… I own a knock off pair). I like it because of the temperature for starters. It’s crisp. So it’s perfect sweater/ cardigan / jean / boot weather. Which is basically my entire closet. It means morning lattes are justified and evening wine by the fire is basically a requirement. But it also means that we don’t freeze our tits off walking the two steps to the car in 60 feet of snow and minus gazillion degrees weather. Fahrenheit or Celsius, take your pick.

But I also love the change of the leaves. You could sit outside for an afternoon and quite literally watch the leaves on a tree go from my favorite deep emerald green, to shades of orange, red, yellow and brown. Basically you watch them die, yet they still emit life through their color and ability to cling to the tree for just that little bit longer. It’s fascinating really. The beauty of it all. Not to mention the sheer and utter satisfaction I get in walking through the gutters or any other large gathering of freshly fallen crisp leaves to hear the crunch they give. So pleasing.

Then there’s the smells. It’s crisp. Not fresh like spring, but if you could smell temperature, well… obviously you can lol because fall smells sharp. It brings a chill to your nose, and awakens your brain with the coolness of it all.

Everything, everything about fall I love.

Of course it helps that the kids are back in school and I have my Fridays back to myself again lol.


-Michael Buble/Moondance-

The Scars Of Your Love Remind Me Of Us They Keep Me Thinking That We Almost Had It All

Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?

Physically pains you to think about the sheer amount of emotion you have for them?

The desire you have for them to… to just have everything they ever wanted, no matter what it is. You just truly want them to be happy and to succeed, and you know they will. You wish them the best in finding what their heart desires and embracing it wholeheartedly.  The amount of time spent thinking about them. Hoping they are ok. Hoping they are more than just ok. Hoping they are excelling at whatever they are doing in that moment. In any moment. In every moment. Hoping they have friends around them they can trust. Who lift them up, and encourage them, that make them smile, and listen to their thoughts and stories. Keep them safe, laugh with them, debate with them, make sure they are smiling, while helping guide them down their path on the journey they choose.

Have you ever loved someone so much that spending time with them is so bitter sweet? Because while you are with them, it is everything good and comforting you’ve ever known, and so you revel in it. While you’re with them you are constantly thinking of what little things you could do to improve their day, to ease their stress, and brighten their mood.  But when they leave it breaks your heart. Possibly even causes uncalled for tears to escape from your eyes?

Have you ever loved someone so deeply, that you dream about them at night? Only to wake up with tears in your eyes and then realize you’re lying in bed alone. Again?

So, in an attempt to eliminate the pain, the pain that happens when they leave. The pain that happens each time you part ways, you do what you think is best, and choose to love yourself. It takes work. And time. And so much effort. But you realized that you have to be stronger. You choose to protect yourself, from that repeated pain. Not that the pain was ever intentional, never, of course not, it only came when they were gone, so it was only their absence that ‘inflicted’ the pain. But that pain was becoming too much. When they started giving you more and more of what your heart so desired, time, touch, everything beautiful…. you feared the day it would stop, because it was so wonderful, but also realized that you didn’t deserve for it to ever stop. You were the perfect woman for this man, you always have been and you deserved to have these things forever.

So one day, after waking up from a night full of dreaming of him, you took all the strength you had in you and your newfound but never lost love you have for yourself, and in the most real, truthful, beautiful, kindest way you knew how, you built up those walls to protect yourself. From losing everything you had ever desired. The perfect man for you. Your love.

Because you needed it. The other people in your life still needed you to properly function daily. They can’t have you walking around crying because you lost the love of your life. So you stop it before it gets to deep. While you feel you would still be able to recover from this loss. Before it became everything you dreamed. In case it ever got to that point. And you lost it.

Of course you still love them, that never stops. And if they asked, you would be with them in a heartbeat.

But for now, you just love from a distance.

To save yourself the pain of the separation. Because that pain isn’t necessary.

You can love someone, but you don’t have to hurt yourself in the process.

As for me?

My love is so deep. And if this was written on paper it would be covered in tear drops. So I don’t know if I retreated in time, because I’m barely functioning.

But I’m also still loving.


-Adele/Rolling In The Deep-

 

I’m Standing Up, I’mma Face My Demons I’m Manning Up, I’mma Hold My Ground I’ve Had Enough, Now I’m So Fed Up Time To Put My Life Back Together Right Now

Well. I have outdone myself.

I once again let fear get the best of me. How, C did you manage to fuck up this time you may be wondering? Fair question, since there are a vast number of scenarios that are probably cascading through your minds if you are a long term reader.

Welp. This time, I managed to push away someone, nay, probably the only one in my life who currently was making any effort of caring for me. The reason? I was scared. Scared of getting to close. Scared of forming any kind of bond. Scared of making a connection that could possibly be broken.

So in my very twisted mind, I figured I should stop it before it even started. Except that it’s not the first time I’ve tried to stop this particular relationship. In fact it’s probably been at least a handful of times I’ve pushed K away, and he keeps gracefully coming back. Which I’m so thankful for.

But that’s my problem. I know I love him. More than I’ve ever loved or thought possible to love anyone ever. And that’s why I’m so scared to let him close. Because I’m so terrified of getting hurt by him. I’m so scared of letting him close, and then him not wanting me. So in my heart, that’s been broken so many times before by other individuals, I feel like it’s better to just take preventative measures. Kinda like let me just stop the hurt before it starts.

I keep pushing him away, and holding him at a distance. Not even holding him there. Just wanting him away, or close by forever. But the thing is, he’s not trying to have a romantic relationship, probably because I pushed him away to many times. He’s literally just trying to be the nicest guy in the world. He just wants to be friends. He just comes over and plays hockey with the kids or watches movies or just chills in general. He just wants to be a guy Little E can look up to, so he wants do take him out to like the Black Panther movie and give Little E a positive black role model. He just wants to chat on the phone and have good conversations.

So what do I go ahead and do?

Tell him I can’t handle that. I can’t have him calling me sweetheart because I don’t want to be his sweetheart, I want to be his wife. I tell him I don’t deserve this level of whatever relationship we have. I want more. I deserve more. Every time he’s here and I have to hold back everything I’m truly feeling for him because the kids are around and we’re not dating, we’re just ‘friends’ I hate it.  I want to be able to just hug him or kiss him at will, not caring who sees because I don’t care who sees. I love him.

But he’s put these boundaries on me because of his feelings and out of respect for me because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. He says he’s not ready to give up things in his old lifestyle, and doesn’t want any harm to come to myself and the kids once he gets involved in those things again. And I can’t handle that it feels like all the control was in his hands. I don’t deserve that. I can’t deal with that.

It’s not that he doesn’t treat me with respect and love, he does. It’s that he’s the only person who ever has. And I love it. But I want more. and I can’t handle not having that.

So I pushed him away. Again. And I doubt at this point he will come back.

Not because I was mean or rude… I don’t think. But basically I told him that yes, I obviously still love him. I always have. And I deserve love back. The way he said he loved me. And I won’t accept anything less. Because I’ve learned to love myself the way he himself told me I deserved. So I know what it should feel like.

But I know everyone has free will and gets to make their own choices. Mine will always be to love K. So maybe it was stupid to push him away. Or maybe it was what I needed to see that I wasn’t getting what I deserved from him.

Either way, I still love him.

And I know what love means to him. He didn’t say it lightly. But when he did, it was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard, and I will remember all those moments forever.

I love you C, over and over and over.

That will always and forever be my favorite thing I’ve heard.


-Eminem/Not Afraid-

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-