Have you ever loved someone so much it hurts?
Physically pains you to think about the sheer amount of emotion you have for them?
The desire you have for them to… to just have everything they ever wanted, no matter what it is. You just truly want them to be happy and to succeed, and you know they will. You wish them the best in finding what their heart desires and embracing it wholeheartedly. The amount of time spent thinking about them. Hoping they are ok. Hoping they are more than just ok. Hoping they are excelling at whatever they are doing in that moment. In any moment. In every moment. Hoping they have friends around them they can trust. Who lift them up, and encourage them, that make them smile, and listen to their thoughts and stories. Keep them safe, laugh with them, debate with them, make sure they are smiling, while helping guide them down their path on the journey they choose.
Have you ever loved someone so much that spending time with them is so bitter sweet? Because while you are with them, it is everything good and comforting you’ve ever known, and so you revel in it. While you’re with them you are constantly thinking of what little things you could do to improve their day, to ease their stress, and brighten their mood. But when they leave it breaks your heart. Possibly even causes uncalled for tears to escape from your eyes?
Have you ever loved someone so deeply, that you dream about them at night? Only to wake up with tears in your eyes and then realize you’re lying in bed alone. Again?
So, in an attempt to eliminate the pain, the pain that happens when they leave. The pain that happens each time you part ways, you do what you think is best, and choose to love yourself. It takes work. And time. And so much effort. But you realized that you have to be stronger. You choose to protect yourself, from that repeated pain. Not that the pain was ever intentional, never, of course not, it only came when they were gone, so it was only their absence that ‘inflicted’ the pain. But that pain was becoming too much. When they started giving you more and more of what your heart so desired, time, touch, everything beautiful…. you feared the day it would stop, because it was so wonderful, but also realized that you didn’t deserve for it to ever stop. You were the perfect woman for this man, you always have been and you deserved to have these things forever.
So one day, after waking up from a night full of dreaming of him, you took all the strength you had in you and your newfound but never lost love you have for yourself, and in the most real, truthful, beautiful, kindest way you knew how, you built up those walls to protect yourself. From losing everything you had ever desired. The perfect man for you. Your love.
Because you needed it. The other people in your life still needed you to properly function daily. They can’t have you walking around crying because you lost the love of your life. So you stop it before it gets to deep. While you feel you would still be able to recover from this loss. Before it became everything you dreamed. In case it ever got to that point. And you lost it.
Of course you still love them, that never stops. And if they asked, you would be with them in a heartbeat.
But for now, you just love from a distance.
To save yourself the pain of the separation. Because that pain isn’t necessary.
You can love someone, but you don’t have to hurt yourself in the process.
As for me?
My love is so deep. And if this was written on paper it would be covered in tear drops. So I don’t know if I retreated in time, because I’m barely functioning.
But I’m also still loving.
-Adele/Rolling In The Deep-