There’s A Time That I Remember That I Never Felt So Lost When I Felt All Of The Hatred Was To Powerful To Stop

This past weekend I packed up the kiddos and drove back to my parents house to surprise them for the weekend. It was my moms birthday on the 12th, and since we won’t be back for Christmas, I figured we were due for a visit. I got the Thursday off, and Monday was a holiday here (Remembrance Day) so with a 5 day weekend ahead of us we hit the road.

The kids were fantastic on the road. It was just over an 11 hour drive on the way there with stops included, but I had no complaints about my kids. There was zero argument or bickering from the backseat the entire ride. I downloaded a bunch of story podcasts for them and Little E read us the rest of ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Waredrobe’ on the way, since we started that series as a family a few weeks ago. Then they also had their iPads for an hour or so. So all in all a good drive.

But the very best part was arriving at my parents place. I had my sister N do a little recon work before I planned the trip, just to make sure someone would be home, and so when my dad opened the door, he we shocked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad speechless before, but in that moment he was the most surprised I’ve ever seen him and it was a definite win. My mom was out at a class so the kids had to wait almost 2 hours until she came home, while I made the beds for us. They got to relax and catch up with my dad, who was basically stunned all night.

My mom got home shortly after nine and the kids jumped out to surprise her while I recorded it (I have my dads reaction as well, both on my Instagram with everybody loving it). She was so happy and cried happy tears, which I previously warned my kids about. Like don’t worry about the crying, people can cry when they are so happy or just emotional and it can be a good thing. I didn’t want them thinking they made my parents sad. I think the warning was good, because then when they saw my mom tear up, they just hugged her and we’re ok about it. It wasn’t awkward.

My parents were so happy, and we got in visits with both my sisters and their families. We drove out to my older sister R’s house, which is fantastic. They bought a fixer upper ranch/acreage and although it still has tones of work to be done, I love the house. I got to spend time with my 4 nieces there and do a little bonding and teasing, you know regular Aunty stuff.

Then my little sister N and her husband D came on both Saturday and Sunday night for dinner with their baby F who I guess is t so much a baby now. She was born the week before we moved to Kelowna. They came to visit us this summer, and we FaceTime about 2-4 times a week so I’ve seen F growing and I’m a closer to N than I am with R.

My parents loved every minute of the weekend. My dad stayed home from work to spend time with the kids. Making sure little E could stay up late with them to watch the hockey games, and chopping wood and building fires and sledding. Then taking Z grocery shopping with them and baking cookies etc. All those fun grandparent activities.

On the drive out Z asked if they could visit their dad while they were in town. Tbh the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. But I said I would talk to him and see. I got ahold of E and him agreed to take the kids to an indoor play place on Sunday afternoon. The kids haven’t physically seen E since Christmas last year, because he never made the effort to come visit them this year at all. So I talked to him on Saturday double checked the time for Sunday. He said it was a go. Then Sunday I texted him to confirm again. Because with this man I’ve learned that you can never be to careful. He replied that he would be there at noon.

So I take the kids to the playground at noon and he’s not there. We wait in the car for 10 minutes while I’m calling repeatedly but it’s going straight to voicemail. So I decide to take the kids out for lunch and tell them after lunch we can come back and check if dad is there late. Maybe he couldn’t get a taxi or the bus is late, whatever. So we go for lunch, which is not an expense I was planning on since E said he was going to feed them and I’m trying to stick to a strict budget, but it’s not their fault their dads a deadbeat. Then we return to the play centre. He’s nowhere to be found and is still not answering my calls. So now I have two kids who have been looking forward to playing and Z who was looking forward to seeing her dad. Little E couldn’t care less at this point, unfortunately he’s learned not to get his hopes up regarding male role models, which I played a role in. But I decided to stay with them to let them play for a few hours (another $30+ outta my pocket). I had to cancel coffee with my friend to stay, which sucked since I haven’t seen my friends since Christmas either, but we have to make sacrifices for our kids when the other parent is a dick.

He still has not called or texted to explain what happened or apologize to the kids and it’s Friday. God I made the dumbest choice of my life thinking I loved him. I just hope I’ve grown since then.

We hit the road for Kelowna Monday morning and the drive wasn’t as good as the way there, but I know Z was emotional about missing her grandparents and none of us had the best sleeps all weekend. We were busy getting in a much visiting time as possible.

All in all, it was worth it.

I look back at it this way.

My family is was very broken. But in the past few years, we’ve all been collectively taking steps at healing generational pain. Some of us have maybe been doing more than others yes, but as a family I think it affects us all. So this visit was important.

I knew my mom was missing my kids, to the point of tears. I know my parents won’t be alive forever and therefore even though it doesn’t seem like it’s something I personally need, my family needed us to visit. My sisters needed us to come and have those hugs and visits to there spaces and see how they are doing and to just be happy in their home. So even though I hated driving 11+ hours each way and my ass is sore and stiff and I didn’t sleep well, it was a great visit. Even though E is a cock sucking mother fucking piece of shit that can eat a dick, my kids have me. And through me they have my family. And even though my family has its decrepit moments, we’re trying and we love each other in our hurt ways.

And tbh, we’re getting better.

And that’s all we can ask for. I guess what I’m saying is that the way you’re feeling doesn’t have to stay that way forever. You can make your own changes and I can speak to the fact that it can radiate to others close to you on a conscious and spiritual level. It’ll make them work on themselves.

Improvement.


-Maroon 5/Memories-

All I Want For Christmas

It’s been a whirlwind of a trip so far and we’re only about halfway through our holiday.

I woke the kids up early on the 21st in order to catch the taxi I had prearranged for 6:00am to the airport on time. I did Instagram stories for the first time depicting the morning and wake up in which Little E jumped out of bed and Z had the slowest wake up known to mankind which is completely opposite for them. ( I ended up documenting our entire day which was fun) The kids downed a bowl of cereal and brushed their teeth in record time they were so excited to for an airplane ride. In my mind I’m like y’all have flown on more planes compared to 75% of humans do in their lifetime, but memory before a certain age is a bitch so to them it was basically a first.

J had taken a box of gifts in her car for me which saved us suitcase space so we tucked our few bags in the taxi and drove the half hour to the airport which was a pleasant enough ride. Once at the airport I realized how many people travel during the holidays, something I’d never done before. We checked our bags and began the long journey through a massive security line.

This line was one of the longest I’ve seen and I’ve travelled through O’Hare which at the time was reputed to be the busiest airport in the world. I’ve traveled through Heathrow and Istanbul’s international airport. Like I’ve seen some big and busy airports, but this line took the cake. The kids were so well behaved and patient though! I was so proud of them. There was this one lady in front of us who just did not have her shit together. She went before us, and by the time all three of us had taken coats off and unpacked electronics and boarding passes, walked through security, and the replaced everything, oh including shoes on and off, she had gotten her coat back on. All I could think of was it was people like her that made the line so long and slow, not necessarily kids as most assume.

Anyways I finally had my coffee in the waiting area and the kids found a little play centre to pass the 20 minutes we had before boarding. Once we got settled on the plane, the kids were so excited for the flight that when the plane finally took off they both started giggling, it was adorable. They were perfectly quiet during the flight, Little E opting for his book, and Z practicing her lettering. The hour flight went by no problem and my dad picked us up from the airport with his customary timbits and we started the close to hour long drive home. Crazy hey?

We got to my parents house and my little sister N and her husband D were there to greet us with their little baby F, who was born a week before we left. We had an afternoon of snuggles and baby cuddling which I missed. F is a chunk bucket and the most adorable little thing ever. Then we made a stop at the kids old daycare to see their friends before it closed for Christmas. Santa was visiting there, and my kids got to go first, imagine that 😑.

My mom had a Christmas party arranged for the night and even though I was exhausted from not sleeping well the night before and my early morning, I made my appearance for her 25+ guests and the kids did well until finally dropping into bed close to midnight. This wrapping a long day one of our Christmas holiday.

-Mariah Carey/ All I Want For Christmas-

We Don’t Say How We Feel And I Feel Like This Is What Got Us In The Debacle We’re In

I remember Kindergarten.

Correction. I remember exactly one lunch recess where I was playing tag and pushed a boy off some wooden play structure. He ended up breaking his arm… my bad. But I distinctly remember when my red curly-haired teacher who was on supervision carried him from the playground to the office and it was in that moment I thought she was the strongest person I knew and I decided I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. I was in awe that someone carried a kid my age, because I obviously didn’t get held much at home anymore, but also that a relative stranger would so easily embrace someone else’s child. I never thought it was possible, yet I thought it was so beautiful.

Things have changed by now. Oh I went after high school and started University to get my teaching degree. But I sucked at it. Actually I just no longer cared. I skipped 60% of my classes and didn’t turn in a single assignment. I was put on academic probation my first year (which I told my mom was due to my seizures, actually she pretty much thought that up all on her own and I just went with it). Part of that was maybe true, but more honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it. I was only doing it because I felt it was “the right thing” Not the right thing as in it felt right, but the right thing as in I’d been telling everyone I wanted to be a teacher ever since I was like 6 years old so I’d only be lying to myself if I changed it after so long.

But is it fair to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life when you’re a child? And then to be held to that standard because “Oh you’d be such a good teacher” and “well you’ve always wanted to be a teacher” were phrases you’d been hearing for the better part of a dozen years? Only to realize 3/4 of the way through my degree, that I would be a terrible teacher.

I would be fine if it actually came down to it, I mean I could do anything, let’s be honest. But I just really, really, really didn’t want to do it anymore. So here I was 3 years out of a 4 year degree under my belt, that had taken me about 6 years to get this far, between saving for school and marriage and travel etc, and I decided I was done trying.

Probably for the best.

All those little kids are better off with all those kind, caring, thoughtful teachers anyways.

So I quit. It may have seemed like marriage was the issue. Or becoming a mom was the reason. And it was a major reason. A major excuse in the very least. Once I had my own kids I became more honest with myself in that I really didn’t want to teach other kids all day and then come home and still have more left of me to give to my own kids. I think I was looking for a reason to quit and my kids and my life situation in leaving E gave me that. It gave me a reason to start fresh.

It gave me a chance to start school again. And find a career that makes good money yeah, but I’m still not feeling fulfilled.

It’s hard to take risks when I have two little kids depending on me. Not that I know what risk I would take if I could, but I’m just saying I kinda feel like I’m in the same rut I was in after high school. I’m just doing what I’m doing because it was what was “best” for me. It seemed “smartest”. It seemed like the “right” move. But I don’t know if I’m being authentically C.

I don’t feel happy.

I feel like this life was chosen for me when I was a child and I’m just going along with the flow. But I don’t want to anymore.

If I was more honest. More true to me, I would say I want to travel. I want to write. Books. Music for others. I want to remain nameless. I never want to be famous. I want to be happy. I don’t want to work under anyone, but I want to have freedom in my expression. But I’m scared. Because those steps don’t seem easy. The steps to be that person haven’t been planned out since I was a kid so I don’t know how to start it now. It doesn’t seem like “the Plan”

So I’m nervous and scared.

Lazy and very unsure of what to do to become the person I think is the true C.

Because I’ve never been her before. So what if I fail?

What if the steps I take are wrong and instead of becoming a more successful version of me, I fail and therefore I’m further back than I am now? I’m not that person. I don’t take those risks. I’m the type of person who follows plans I made when I was 6…. just because plans are plans, and I don’t know how to deviate from that.

What if I make new plans and become even more unlovable than I am now?

That’s my greatest fear.

To make new plans that fuck up my life even more than it already is. Because I’m barely holding on as is.


Eminem/Stepping Stone

All Of My Let’s Just Be Friends Are Friends I Don’t Have Anymore Guess It’s What They Say You Need Family For ‘Cause I Can’t Depend On You Anymore

My kids are so freakin adorable.

We all arrived home yesterday at about the same time (work and the airport respectively), and while my mom was her usual grumpy self upon returning from seeing her dad, my kids were a joy to see reunited. They literally hugged until they fell over on top of each other, repeatedly saying how much they missed each other. They then proceeded to spend the evening giggling and embracing. You’d think it had been months since they’d last seen each other as opposed to a few days. It was refreshing to see the love I know they have for each other in plain sight.

My mom on the other hand was quite the pill as per usual. After spending time with her dad she’s always stressed out… even more so than normal and trust me she lives her life at a 8/10 stress level so this trip put her at a 10 outta 10 no joke. But my dad picked them up at the airport and got them both flowers (so cute right?) My parent have been going for marriage counselling lately and my dad’s really been doing his part. My mother on the other hand acts like everything is his fault to begin with and that she can do no wrong and therefore it’s all up to him to fix.

Unfortunately, everyone who looks at their marriage can easily see that she treats him like crap and therefore he has absolutely no desire/will to do anything with her. It sucks because he deserves so much more and my mom just has so many issues that she uses to shield and defend her actions… or lack thereof.

Anyways, My cute little family of three is back together and doing good. I threw Z in the tub last night because she didn’t have a bath the whole time she was away and she was in bed early. I’m reading Ted Dekker’s newest book called the 49th Mystic… so far so good. He’s by far my favorite author and although some of his titles are a little out there, for the most part his writing is fantastic and I would recommend it to anyone. Anyways, I read for a little before bed and that was that.

A happy easy night.

A rare occurrence in my life, but I’ll take what I can get.


-Drake/Keep The Family Close-

Make Myself A Different Set Of Rules. Gonna Put My Good Foot Forward, And Stop Being Influenced By Fools.

You guys.

Just a quick update. Because my life is beyond words sometimes, but I want you to all know I’m still here.

Well actually I’m in Kelowna. I made a quick day trip out today to sign some paperwork and take a couple meetings regarding a place I’m trying to buy. I say trying because I’ve learned not to get my hopes up, even this far along in the process. If things keep progressing along nicely, which I trust they will, the conditions should be removed early next week and I’ll get possession June 29th of a place less than 100 yards from the beach.

I had a couple hours between my last meeting and my flight later tonight so I went for a massage and I’m now sitting in a local coffee shop writing a long overdue post.

To be honest there’s so much going on in my life that I can’t touch on now, but when and if I ever have time, you will all definitely know.

But for now, I’m alive. My kids are doing great. E is locked back up in a psychiatric ward back in Ottawa. And that’s pretty much the basics.

Haha way to leave you hanging hey. You know what they say… always leave them wanting more 😂😂😂.

Until next time, thanks to everyone who’s stuck with me. To all you guys who keep checking for updates, I appreciate you. Sorry I haven’t been holding up my end of the deal.


-Gonna Change My Way Of Thinking/Bob Dylan-

We Need To Take It Back In Time When Music Made Us All Unite Money Can’t Buy Us Happiness Can We All Slow Down And Enjoy Right Now

Lately I’ve been wondering how people gather enough courage to run off and start a new life.

Legitimate question in my mind. I figure now would be as good a time if any to run away, and I’m just done with my life as is. So, that being said, how do people gather the strength to just leave everything and start fresh somewhere new.

My house has been sold and so I have to pack up and be out by April 10th anyways. I had to buy a new car on Friday (which is a whole other post), I’ve just become too frustrated with literally everything going on with attempting to purchase a new house in Kelowna, that I’m not even interested in moving anymore. I’ve made offers on three different houses that have been outbid and they ended up accepting CASH offers that went way over original asking price. So I honestly feel I didn’t even have a fighting chance. My boss is acting like I’m not trying, asking what I could’ve done differently, and what’s my plan “little missus” UMMM first off, don’t ever fucken call me little missus. Second, I know the fucken deadline, I know my damn budget and I realize we are supposed to be moving in 3 months. It’s not my fault I don’ walk around with $350,000+ CASH in my bank account so my offers have to have a “conditional to financing” in them…. like most normal peoples do. Agh, I’m just over it. Like I want to walk into work and quit. But now my house is sold, most my pocket cash went into buying a good car, so that it wouldn’t be an issue for years to come, and so I have to keep this job for now.

Of course there are so many other factors contributing to this thought train, but I’d honestly like to know, what kind of pre-planning goes into a situation like this? Where you feel like nothing is fucking worth it anymore/you’ve failed at it all, and a new start with 100% new people sounds delightful, but terrifying at the same time.

Pretty much the only thing stopping me at this point, and obviously the most important part,  is the fact that I obviously don’t know where I’d go, and therefore I don’t have a job. If I had a mobile source of income, some online business etc, I’d be out like there was no tomorrow, but since I have kids to support I can’t just be taking off with them with no plan on how I’d be buying groceries in a month, or their education etc.

But the idea of starting over. New. Clean. Mistake free.

Sounds delightful.

But for now, I’ll just have to suck it up, realize that I’ve fucked up, other people have fucked up, and money is far more important than it should be.


-Jessie J/ Price Tag-

Through Waters Uncharted My Soul Will Embark I’ll Follow Your Voice Straight Into The Dark And If From The Course You Intend I Depart Speak To The Sails Of My Wandering Heart

No “new year, new me” junk in my trunk.

I’m a woman built on all my failures, and all my triumphs. I didn’t change dramatically overnight, no one does. I’ve blossomed over all my days and years on this earth to become who I am today.

Someone who still struggles with this life, but I’m learning more and more every day.

I’m discovering who I am, and why I’m here. I’m learning that we are all here for a purpose. And I’m learning to be more sensitive to that nudge that is leading me to my purpose. Once in a while the nudge will move me ever so gently, and sometimes it’s like an unwelcome fucken’ tidal wave and pushes me over the edge, whatever/whereever that edge may be,  but I’m being moved in the right direction I think. Actually I know.

Because I know I’m moving forward. Sometimes at a more graceful pace than other times. Once in a while, I fall smack dab on my face and get massive road rash across my nose or chin, but I get up and start again. But it’s not like I have to start fresh or from the beginning, I just continue to move onward from where I landed. And if you truly stop to think about it… even falling flat on your face is technically moving forward, so… there’s that.

So, in moving forward, I’ve been busy purging my house room by room. Which to be fair to my house keeping skills isn’t that difficult, since I don’t keep that much extra crap around. But I’m trying to get it ready to list, hopefully within the next couple weeks, maybe sooner. I should really set a “goal” date to do that by, but I’m not good at setting those types of deadlines. I’m more of a “let’s just get it done when it seems best”, and so far in my life, it’s worked for me. By the end of January though for sure I wanna have it up for sale.

It’s nerve-racking to say the least, because if I list it too soon, and it DOES sell quickly, but we don’t have a place in Kelowna until June… then my only option right now is moving BACK in with my parents for the interim. Which is not my ideal situation, so if you feel up to it, pray or send good vibes or do what you do when you want something to happen, to try and help this whole transition go over smoothly, and in a timely manner, hopefully avoiding the whole parental house situation. But, I’m also aware if I don’t list it soon enough, I might not sell it in time, and that could also jeopardize the move. AGHHH, adulting is so difficult sometimes. I just really don’t wanna live with my parents again. Like at all. Like zero part of me wants it. Not even the random hair on back of my left ankle that I can never seem to shave properly is rooting for that scenario.

I was over there last week because my mom was having car issues so I took her grocery shopping, even after I suggested she just take an Uber… actually even after I offered to pay for an Uber for her, but could tell she was going to pout all day and probably bring it up at a future family event, how she gave birth to me or something else she did for me in the past, but I couldn’t drive her for groceries when her car broke down. It’s not like she was stranded at the store or anything. She was literally at home and it wouldn’t start but apparently needed to go the store THAT EXACT MOMENT. Anyways so after just spending those few hours alone with her was enough for me to confirm that she is such a narcissist. But she passes it off as caring. It’s the weirdest thing. She needs to have complete control over others, most likely because her inner self is so chaotic, so it gives her some semblance of peace. Or she just gets a high off of it. We’ll really never know. But she’s just doing her. It’s good I guess. For her.

She asks too many personal questions in my opinion, for instance, in this visit alone, she asked about my finances (how much EXACTLY do I have saved for my house, and of course the answer was not enough). Am I on birth control? Excuse me? I literally started it a week before so could honestly answer yes, but she probably asked because K was at Christmas Eve at her place and so assumes we’re messin’ around, which was assumed correctly, but still not her business. How much do I weigh now (because now she’s doing intermittent fasting, and obviously want’s everyone to do as she does, which is hard because she switches fad’s more often than normal people switch underwear). And on and on it went.

And I realized, I don’t care. Sure, she can ask questions about me. That’s her choice. As for me? I’ve decided I’ll answer with complete honesty, since I have nothing to hide. Well some things I probably should hide according to social norms, but hey, she asked, and I don’t care because I’m proud of my life. She wants to dig around in my sex life? Too bad if she doesn’t like the answers, I’m not embarrassed. She thinks I haven’t saved enough? I’m actually pretty proud so far, even if I can’t buy a $500,000.00 house, I’m a single mom, and I can honestly say I think I’m doing damn fine. My weight? Good with me. I’ve made changes to my body that I know will stick because they weren’t due to the latest trend or some extreme diet or for anyone else. I did it slowly and steadily, and I like what I see when I look in the mirror, much more than I did before. Is there room for improvement? Duh, but I’ll do it my way, because this is what gives ME confidence, not because I’m trying to make someone else happy.

What I won’t accept though, is when she starts handing out unsolicited advice. Or looking down on me for the choices I’ve made or am making. I will make my own decisions, and live my life how I choose to and do so with dignity and confidence. I do not judge others on their choices, and although I don’t like them sometimes, or they wouldn’t be the choice I would make, I would never look down on someone because of that, or spend countless hours trying to make them see or do it my way.

If they wanted to have a chat about my choices and why I do things the way I do,  without trying to change them, then I would be up for that, but I wouldn’t feel “less than” if they left the conversation still wanting to do things their own way. So when she started going in on me for certain things I’m doing and why they’re “wrong” at least to her, that’s when I began to push back. And she was not happy. Unfortunately, too bad for her.

I wasn’t rude, or mean. I just stood up for my choices, even though they were contrary to what she would have done, or at least said she would have done. When it comes down to the wire, everyone’s actions speak louder than words.

So, I’ve decided to keep my actions, words, and thoughts, pure and true to myself.

The worlds gonna do what it’s gonna do.

People might say one thing, and turn around and do another, maybe to impress someone, or out of fear, they back away from their original choice, or for any number of reasons they don’t defend their thoughts and choices and decisions and beliefs.  But I’ve decided, really… what do I fear?

Nothing.

Nothing here in this immediate world presents enough of a threat to me, for me to turn around and change who I am and what I stand for. Because of what? What they THINK of me? I know what I THINK of myself. And that is where all the power lies. So I will make my choices. Some of them may be “bad” to others. Some of them not the ones you would make. But they are my choices. And I hold them. I back them up with my thoughts and beliefs. And either way, we can’t go back to change them.

Because time moves forward.

Thus, no ‘new year, new me’. I’m built on everything that came before, and continue to grow in that. I cannot change anything in the past, nor would I want to. I can only move forward and grow, learn, and love. Well I could move forward and not grow, as many do, they just move forward with time, without expanding their mind and spirit and soul, but that shit ain’t for me.

I’m CHOOSING to grow. And to stand firm in my choices. Because they are mine. They make me, me.

And who wouldn’t want that. To be the person your choices make you.

Choose wisely, because frankly at this point, the past choices no longer matter. It is only the decisions moving forward that have any further impact on who we become.

So think now. Long and hard. Who do you want to become.

From this point on.

Because that’s all that’s left.


-Hillsong United/Captain-

 

 

I Feel Like My Words Have Only Given Way To Brief Intentions But No Intent For Action

So house #1. The original one that I liked? The pending deal fell through and so it was back in the market on Thursday night. My boss and the real estate agent both texted me within minutes of each other, albeit both to say very different things. My boss A had been gone all week on a hunting trip so he was just doing a quick relay of information since his phone had been out of service most of the week while he was in the bush. By this point though, I already knew that the offer we had put in on house #2 was a no go and so I had asked the real estate agent to keep an eye on the original house #1… the one I ACTUALLY wanted lol. So since the condo docs on house #2 looked awful, and we pulled out of the deal (you know the one where my company was buying the place for me, and I would buy it from them once I sold my house here…) I just wanted to keep tabs on house #1, just in case.

As luck would have it, whatever deal that was pending on my fav house #1 went sour and so I got the text. Which I was ecstatic about. That is, until A started changing the plans.

While we were in Kelowna, he discussed with his dad and confirmed my raise. So no official problem there. I’m not going to complain about being under 30 years old and making $60,000+ a year. I’ve worked hard to get where I am, and I’m going to enjoy all that I’ve earned. What I’m not really impressed with though, is all this back and forth on A’s part. When I mentioned how house #1 was back on the market, and could we consider the same arrangement that we had with house #2, but with a house I actually really wanted this time, he basically, without outright saying it (which is even more annoying) said I’m on my own now.

Because of the increase to my salary, the company is basically like C you’re on your own now. You’ll look slightly better on paper, and “hopefully” you’ll qualify for something more (I won’t) and good luck with it all. But nope, they are no longer willing to buy the property and sell it to me later down the road. Of course all this I had to extract from a very long drown out conversation that could’ve just been explained in… well, 30 seconds like I just did.

I wouldn’t be so frustrated if this wasn’t something that A had originally offered in the first place. It’s not like I went begging to him asking him to do this favor for me. This was something that he brought to the table, suggesting we do to try to make the transition as smooth as possible. But now he’s reneging on the offer. Instead he’s throwing out “suggestions” like I just go ahead and sell my place and move all my stuff out there in store pods, and rent a place for a while. Then when/if something comes up, move into it at that point, if I qualify at that time. A lot of maybe’s and variables in that sentence hey. Not how I like to do things.

I basically told him flat-out that no, for me, that’s not an option.

I don’t want to have to move my kids twice. If I’m moving them cross province, I want to move them straight into the home that they will be able to start settling into right away. Not a place where most of our stuff is in storage for who knows how long. Then try to get them comfortable with a new city, new school, new friends, and then in a few weeks, or months or who knows how long, have to move them again? If I can even find a place at that point? Not at all interested.

A was like well think about it, because it might be our only option. I”m like dude if that’s my “only option” then I’m not going. I’m not forcing this on my kids, or myself just to make it convenient for you. This company isn’t the end all be all for me. And if worst comes to worst then I just don’t go.

I know I’d have no issue finding another job if necessary. I’ve gotten every job I’ve ever interviewed for. But I know that won’t be an issue in this case. A wants J (my co-worker) and I working for him. Because between the 3 of us, we do the amount of work that used to take 4 people, so I know I save him a ton of money salary wise, with him not having to pay a fourth employee.

So I know in the end it will work out, but A just tends to be overly dramatic in his decision-making. One day he’s up and the next day he’s down, and just when you think you have him figured out, on the third day he’ll show up with a thought way out in left field. So like I told J, I’m going to stick to my own plan, and have my own ideas in my head of how this move should work out, and plod along at my own steady pace. A can continue with his sporadic ups/downs lefts/rights, and in the end, hopefully our paths meet up. Preferably in Kelowna lol

As far as my plan? I’m not looking at any houses now, and probably not until the new year. Once January comes, I’ll work on getting my financing in order (on my own, maybe with my parents co-signing, nothing with the company) then when I have that, I’ll start-up the house hunt again, along with listing my place. To me that seems like plenty of time to have things prepared for a June move.

I explained this to A, at least the whole part about thinking it was premature to be looking at more houses now, especially if I’m not planing on buying until the new year anyways, and he was all in agreement on that…. But then turns around THE NEXT DAY and sends me links to 3 different houses “for reference.” Like common buddy. Drop it already.

You’ve told me I’m on my own. You told me to handle it.

Let me handle it.


-We Came As Romans/I Can’t Make Your Decisions For You-

You’ve Got To Know When To Hold ‘Em Know When To Fold ‘Em Know When To Walk Away And Know When To Run

So the house deal fell through. Which for me, isn’t the worst thing. Once we got our hands on the Condo documents, we noticed that there was no reserve fund AT ALL. So instead of the board planning in advance for things that will eventually need to be replaced, and accruing the money for it through strata/condo fees, apparently if for example all the roofs in the complex needed to be replaced (like they did 2 years ago) they would in essence do a big cash call at that time. Making all the owners cough up an additional however much per month to “raise’ the money and then make the repairs. We talked to one owner who said in the last 4 years they’ve paid close to an additional $60,000.00 on extra fees to cover renovation expenses,on top of the monthly strata/condo fees.

No thanks. I’m not moving into a place that has no idea how to plan in advance. Plus who knows how much else could go wrong in the next however many years that I could potentially have to contribute towards. I’m not interested.

Which is fine with me. Because I didn’t have my heart set on this house in the first place. Would it have been doable? Of course. A few coats of paint and some updated lights and it would’ve been fine. But now that it’s out of the picture I feel no sense of loss. In fact I even emailed my real estate agent this morning after I heard the news to see how the original one that I DO love is doing. He says the offer is still pending and it looks strong so that sucks, but he said he would keep an eye on it for me.

I guess the age-old saying still stands.

It ain’t over til it’s over. But man I just want it to be over.


-Kenny Rogers/The Gambler-

I Wish Somebody Would Have Told Me That Some Day, These Will Be The Good Old Days

So I’m going to Kelowna this Thursday.

My boss paid for flights and handled our overnight accommodations, and it’s happening.

We all just decided that we needed to get a better sense of the city and maybe view a couple different houses, see the schools, and just get a better feel of the different neighborhoods etc before we move further with this. Although at this point it’s pretty much green lights all around.

Like guys. I’m moving to Kelowna. For real. Soon. By this time next year I’ll most likely be in a new place.

And I don’t know how I feel. My boss finally let himself get excited today when we finally made the decision that this was happening. That it was going to work for everyone and be a good move, the right move all around. You could totally tell he was happy, well my coworker, J, was too for that matter. But A verbalized it a few times, point-blank saying, I’m getting excited now. And it’s not that I’m not excited. It’s just that I don’t normally show it. I legitimately have Googled, on more than one occasion, and read multiple studies on the traits of psychopaths, just to make sure I’m not one, just because of how emotionless I am sometimes. Don’t worry. I’m not a psychopath… at least according to Google I’m pretty sure I’m not 🙂 But I definitely wasn’t as excited about the move as either one of them.

Do I want to move? Yes.

Would I be okay to stay? Yes.

Am I happy about moving? Yes.

Is it stressing me out? Yes.

Do I think it would be good to move? Yes.

Do I think it would be easier to stay? Yes.

Soooo, you can see my newest issue.


-Macklemore Ft. Kesha/Good Old Days-