There’s A Time That I Remember That I Never Felt So Lost When I Felt All Of The Hatred Was To Powerful To Stop

This past weekend I packed up the kiddos and drove back to my parents house to surprise them for the weekend. It was my moms birthday on the 12th, and since we won’t be back for Christmas, I figured we were due for a visit. I got the Thursday off, and Monday was a holiday here (Remembrance Day) so with a 5 day weekend ahead of us we hit the road.

The kids were fantastic on the road. It was just over an 11 hour drive on the way there with stops included, but I had no complaints about my kids. There was zero argument or bickering from the backseat the entire ride. I downloaded a bunch of story podcasts for them and Little E read us the rest of ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Waredrobe’ on the way, since we started that series as a family a few weeks ago. Then they also had their iPads for an hour or so. So all in all a good drive.

But the very best part was arriving at my parents place. I had my sister N do a little recon work before I planned the trip, just to make sure someone would be home, and so when my dad opened the door, he we shocked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad speechless before, but in that moment he was the most surprised I’ve ever seen him and it was a definite win. My mom was out at a class so the kids had to wait almost 2 hours until she came home, while I made the beds for us. They got to relax and catch up with my dad, who was basically stunned all night.

My mom got home shortly after nine and the kids jumped out to surprise her while I recorded it (I have my dads reaction as well, both on my Instagram with everybody loving it). She was so happy and cried happy tears, which I previously warned my kids about. Like don’t worry about the crying, people can cry when they are so happy or just emotional and it can be a good thing. I didn’t want them thinking they made my parents sad. I think the warning was good, because then when they saw my mom tear up, they just hugged her and we’re ok about it. It wasn’t awkward.

My parents were so happy, and we got in visits with both my sisters and their families. We drove out to my older sister R’s house, which is fantastic. They bought a fixer upper ranch/acreage and although it still has tones of work to be done, I love the house. I got to spend time with my 4 nieces there and do a little bonding and teasing, you know regular Aunty stuff.

Then my little sister N and her husband D came on both Saturday and Sunday night for dinner with their baby F who I guess is t so much a baby now. She was born the week before we moved to Kelowna. They came to visit us this summer, and we FaceTime about 2-4 times a week so I’ve seen F growing and I’m a closer to N than I am with R.

My parents loved every minute of the weekend. My dad stayed home from work to spend time with the kids. Making sure little E could stay up late with them to watch the hockey games, and chopping wood and building fires and sledding. Then taking Z grocery shopping with them and baking cookies etc. All those fun grandparent activities.

On the drive out Z asked if they could visit their dad while they were in town. Tbh the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. But I said I would talk to him and see. I got ahold of E and him agreed to take the kids to an indoor play place on Sunday afternoon. The kids haven’t physically seen E since Christmas last year, because he never made the effort to come visit them this year at all. So I talked to him on Saturday double checked the time for Sunday. He said it was a go. Then Sunday I texted him to confirm again. Because with this man I’ve learned that you can never be to careful. He replied that he would be there at noon.

So I take the kids to the playground at noon and he’s not there. We wait in the car for 10 minutes while I’m calling repeatedly but it’s going straight to voicemail. So I decide to take the kids out for lunch and tell them after lunch we can come back and check if dad is there late. Maybe he couldn’t get a taxi or the bus is late, whatever. So we go for lunch, which is not an expense I was planning on since E said he was going to feed them and I’m trying to stick to a strict budget, but it’s not their fault their dads a deadbeat. Then we return to the play centre. He’s nowhere to be found and is still not answering my calls. So now I have two kids who have been looking forward to playing and Z who was looking forward to seeing her dad. Little E couldn’t care less at this point, unfortunately he’s learned not to get his hopes up regarding male role models, which I played a role in. But I decided to stay with them to let them play for a few hours (another $30+ outta my pocket). I had to cancel coffee with my friend to stay, which sucked since I haven’t seen my friends since Christmas either, but we have to make sacrifices for our kids when the other parent is a dick.

He still has not called or texted to explain what happened or apologize to the kids and it’s Friday. God I made the dumbest choice of my life thinking I loved him. I just hope I’ve grown since then.

We hit the road for Kelowna Monday morning and the drive wasn’t as good as the way there, but I know Z was emotional about missing her grandparents and none of us had the best sleeps all weekend. We were busy getting in a much visiting time as possible.

All in all, it was worth it.

I look back at it this way.

My family is was very broken. But in the past few years, we’ve all been collectively taking steps at healing generational pain. Some of us have maybe been doing more than others yes, but as a family I think it affects us all. So this visit was important.

I knew my mom was missing my kids, to the point of tears. I know my parents won’t be alive forever and therefore even though it doesn’t seem like it’s something I personally need, my family needed us to visit. My sisters needed us to come and have those hugs and visits to there spaces and see how they are doing and to just be happy in their home. So even though I hated driving 11+ hours each way and my ass is sore and stiff and I didn’t sleep well, it was a great visit. Even though E is a cock sucking mother fucking piece of shit that can eat a dick, my kids have me. And through me they have my family. And even though my family has its decrepit moments, we’re trying and we love each other in our hurt ways.

And tbh, we’re getting better.

And that’s all we can ask for. I guess what I’m saying is that the way you’re feeling doesn’t have to stay that way forever. You can make your own changes and I can speak to the fact that it can radiate to others close to you on a conscious and spiritual level. It’ll make them work on themselves.

Improvement.


-Maroon 5/Memories-

Advertisements

Ya Ever Feel Like Your Train Of Thoughts Been Derailed? That’s When You Press On

I had a very memorable dream last night.

I was invited on a trip by a person, who was in one body, but in my dream I knew that physical body represented many figures in my life. The ones who stood out the most being K, then my mother, then my older sister R and E and a few friends, in that order.

They made a big deal about this journey we were about to embark on. Helping me pack my suitcase with beautiful items for this adventure. Making sure everything was prepared just so. Building up my anticipation, but no matter how many times I asked what the destination was I was ignored as they smiled knowingly.

I felt safe, and excited.

Then in an instant we were at the location where I assumed we were going to board the airplane. We bypassed the ‘commoners’ sitting in the waiting room since I was in the very best company and had been reassured that I deserved only the best. So I followed this person up an endless flight of stairs that became more opulent with each step. Every 5-10 steps there would be another person who would check my ticket or add a tag to my carry on bag, adding to the excitement. Each person ignoring my question of where am I going. Hostess offering complimentary drinks and men in suits willing to carry my bags as we climbed higher into the sky above the others seated in the waiting room below.

At this point I didn’t even know what the point of a plane would be I felt we were so high anyways, but finely the leading figure reached a door and opened it for me and I was more excited than I’ve felt in a long time. I followed the man I’ve trusted more than I should into what I assumed was a first class cabin to find my seat in this adventure.

But when we stepped inside, the lighting changed and the seats were like what you would find in a doctors office. Cold. Hard. Armless. I was led to my seat and told to wait here.

All of a sudden my bag was gone. My excitement was missing. My anticipation for comfort was slashed. It was just me. In a cold dark room filled with sick individuals.

Then I woke up.

And I realized that all the hype was for nothing.

I had been lead by false lies and hope to a barren room. And I had no one to blame but myself. I had trusted blindly. I didn’t demand answers. I let someone who had no investment in my future lead my way with zero consequence. Just slim hope that they would take me from the life I had created and make it better…. in whatever way they choose.

But the reality is we are all responsible for ourselves and our own actions. We must lead our own way. From the conscious action, to the unconscious thought.

Because they are connected and intertwined within our mind. So let’s be respectful of both sides of ourself and what we are looking for. Both within and without.

-Gym Class Hero’s/The Fighter-

Shawty Said The Ni**a That She With Ain’t Shit / Call Me So I Can Come And Prove It To You

So bar boy came over again. Two weekends in a row. And you know what. It was nice. Really nice. His dick is still too big and that part is annoying, but the part of having someone in my bed holding me throughout the night and waking up to morning sex and the intimacy part where he is so considerate of what I need and how I respond to his touch… that part is what I’ve been missing for too long. Just good old fashion guy with girl beauty. In bed talking and touching and being with someone. I need that in my life so much. My love language is definitely touch and feel and to be alone for so long has been very draining on me on such a deep level. I thought I’d be ok just having my one night stands and getting what I needed that way, but that was ultimately more draining than fulfilling and probably let me worse off than before.

So I got in touch with army guy (I know I know to many guys) from a few summers back who I never actually slept with but for some reason we got along fairly well. At least well enough that I didn’t sleep with him (because our conversations were so good) that I told him straight up that I was in love with K and there was no way we’d end up together. I know I’m so messed up, if I have feelings for a guy I don’t sleep with them? I’m backwards. So anyways army guy and I have a 5 minute chat every 4-5 months just to keep in touch and so I asked him his opinion on the following since he’s a guy I can just be honest with.

How do you tell a dude his dick is to big, but you still wanna keep him around for everything else? C he said, if you tell a guy that, he’s not going to be offended, but he’s not going to want to come just to hold you and stroke your hair. You gotta learn how to take a dick.

Annnnnnd yet another reason I never slept with him, our conversations were honest, but he was an ass. Ok. For starters. I can take hella dick. It’s when it feels like it’s gonna break a rib or trying to give you CPR and restart your heart with each thrust that I have no interest in it anymore. I like sex to be pleasurable, not feel like I have to wiggle away each time he humps me because I’m feeling like it’s hitting a brick wall inside and going to break me.

The thing is, I don’t want to fault bar boy for being so well endowed and sweet. Like he texts me everyday to say good morning and ask me how I’m doing on top of the caring vibe I got from him while he was around. Don’t worry I’m not catching feelings. Like I have zero interest in this guy long term. He already told me he’s only in town until December, which is probably why I felt comfortable enough to have him around in the first place. I knew there were boundaries from the get go. I knew it wouldn’t have a catch to turn serious, so I felt safe. I told you I’m broke 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not interested in getting attached to anyone anymore. I’ve been through enough heartache, but a girls gotta get her bed rocked WAY more often than I have been and as much as I fooled around with my toys every so often, it’s not the same for me and I don’t get the same enjoyment out of them as I do real sex. I like to be touched. I like to be tasted. I like to be pushed past my limits and I can’t do that to myself. I like to be kissed and held. Oh my god I like to be kissed. And held.

So here’s my lame dilemma. Do I risk telling him his dick is uncomfortably large, and have him stay away, losing out on the only enjoyable male companionship I’ve had in over a year? Or possibly yes I tell him and he decides that for the next few months he’d rather want my company with no sex but still everything else. Do you think he’d still stroke my hair until I fell asleep? Do you think he would sleep over and not expect sex. Or should I just keep it as is and awkwardly wiggle away each time he shoves his massively huge cock in my apparently small tight pussy, in order to keep the other benefits until December?

Like I said, it’s a lame dilemma, but a choice I need to make nonetheless.

So blogging word… recommendations?


-Lil Wayne/Lollipop-

This Girl Is Half His Age Don’t Stand So Close To Me

I made a mistake.

As a mom. I didn’t realize how my comment would affect Little E until the other day I went to give him a hug and kiss, which is pretty standard in our house and he turned his head so I could only kiss his cheek as opposed to his lips. So I asked if he was to mature to give his mom a little kiss? Let’s be reasonable here just for discussions sake. It’s not like we kiss with tongue or anything longer then a quick kiss to show affection and love. It’s nothing sexual and totally fine. But when I asked that he replied that no, it wasn’t because he was to cool, it was that a few days ago I made the comment that he should not kiss Z (his little sister for my new readers) on the lips. Now. For perspective, my kids just turned 6&9 this summer. And once in a while when they go to bed or say goodbye, they’ll give each other a big hug and a kiss. And apparently my uncomfortableness felt the need to push its way to the surface finally and I asked them to build walls between themselves to make myself feel better.

When he said that, I felt like shit.

I didn’t mean to cause him to think showing affection towards anyone is a negative thing, or something that needed to be reviewed in his life. In fact I have no logical reason for making that offhand comment to him other than for the same reason I no longer allow them to bathe together or don’t let them have sleepovers in each other’s rooms. I have fear.

I don’t want anything happening to Z. Now please, please don’t get me wrong. I don’t think Little E would ever do anything intentionally her or vice versa but as a mother I have to understand kids are innocent, but they also like to explore. So since I have the knowledge of that, I have to use my personal position as an adult in authority to prevent any harm to either of them in anyway that I can. That includes any potential sexual exploration among each other.

I know. This is a very taboo topic. And one that each family decides for themselves.

I for myself was never sexually assaulted as a child by a family member, but when you hear stories, you want to make sure you are considerate of others pain, and think of ways to keep your own kids safe.

Obviously, I’m being on the extreme side when I bring up the term sexual assault. But it starts somewhere. And so I have to teach both of my kids safe boundaries in regards to how they treat their bodies as well as how they approach others. I wanted to make sure Z felt ok with how she was being ‘loved’ and also that just because someone else wanted a kiss, didn’t mean she had too. I said the same thing to Little E. Like if we go to even a family get together or something and you don’t want to hug or kiss someone, you don’t have to. And from there, no he felt uncomfortable giving me a kiss to.

So I guess that’s my own fault, but I also think it’s ok in a way. It’s making him think through intimacy and boundaries. I don’t want him to think it’s never ok to kiss others, but I want there to definitely open up a conversation about it.

We’ll see where this goes from here. And I apologize this post is all over the place. I’ve written it in bits and pieces over the day and don’t feel like even reading it over for consistency’s sake. But thanks for reading anyways.

Has anyone had this issue or conversation with your own kids? How did it go? Or did you just leave them on their own to grow and figure it out alone? Let me know!

-The Police/Don’t Stand So Close To Me-

Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area 😂. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer