It’s My Party, And I’ll Cry If I Want To Cry If I Want To, Cry If I Want To You Would Cry Too If It Happened To You

I just woke up from the most ridiculous dream. Actually more like a nightmare if it were to ever occur in real life.

My kids birthdays are coming up soon. Their birthdays are 9 days apart and so normally we celebrate together with one party which both are still fine with. Since the party will be coming up in a few weeks I finally started letting them discuss and plan how/what they would like to do and who they would like to invite yesterday. Well, the list was growing exponentially, especially with both their friends on it so after a dozen or so kids I had to say that we would only send invites to certain ones, if the top picks declined. Ruthless, but I live in a small house and you take 12 kids plus possible siblings and parents and us 3 and that’s a packed house. So the kids were fine with it.

So to my dream. I’m at home and all of the sudden the doorbell rings and it’s a few kids. I don’t even know who they are but they come running in the house and their parents are waving at me from their car and zoom off. I’m not sure what’s going on yet but one of the little boys really has to pee so I take him to a really fancy bathroom which I keep wondering how it made it’s way into my house. As we’re going there are more and more kids appearing along the way and some of them are dressed in costumes? In the back of my mind I can hear the doorbell continually ringing and I know there are more people arriving and some are bringing gifts and all the dads are doing drive by drop offs. Then a pair of moms come by in a sleezy Halloween costume. Like ones a sexy nurse and ones a sexy cowboy 😂. I’m just like common in it can’t get any weirder by now!

So the house is packed, and I have kids I don’t running around who I keep asking their names and they respond but I never quite hear it.

Finally it’s time for cake. And even thought in my dream I know it’s my kids birthday party by now, I haven’t seen them the whole time. We all just gather around a bunch of donuts and treats as I stress cut the donuts for the little kids so the don’t choke and everybody sings Happy Birthday to my kids who are nowhere to be seen.

Finally one dad braves to come to the party but he is useless. He insists on ‘helping’ me by making me a coffee, but he wants to make a new speciality coffee so that it’s ‘relaxing’ for me. When really all I need is for him to corral these feral kids and get them opening presents or staying away from the lake since they’re running wild. But instead he goes and grabs one of my nice vases to steam milk in, and makes a huge mess in the kitchen while only speaking to his 4 kids and ignoring all the other adults there. Ps. I never end up getting the coffee which I think about for the entirety of the dream. Especially since it seems everywhere I look I see a mess from his endeavours.

My house was a disaster. My kids were missing for their own party. The sexy moms started making out in the corner while coffee dude ate all the snacks and watched. Like I don’t think Hollywood could have produced more of a nightmare than that.

All in all, it was an ominous warning about hopefully what is not to come. And made me think twice about throwing a party at all 😉.

-It’s My Party/Lesley Gore

This Is For The Question Marks / Together We Are Dangerous Together With Our Differences

I had a terrible…. ‘thing’ happen Saturday night. I want to say nightmare but I wasn’t sleeping. I wish more than anything right now that it was a dream, but I was wiiiiiiide awake unfortunately. Which makes it all the more terrifying.

To be honest I didn’t realize it was happening until it was over. Because it all felt to real. It’s like to realities merged together in some very scary mind bending alternate universe but at the same time it was in my head. Yet out of my head since it happened to me/with me. Ugh this shits to hard to write to explain. There aren’t words enough to do it justice. It’s like either you feel and experience it or you don’t.

But there I was in the moment and I was understanding someone else’s thoughts. Like I was living the things he was thinking of doing to me. It was horrible and terrible and disgusting and morbid, yet in that moment I couldn’t pull myself out because I didn’t realize it wasn’t this true reality to me in that time. I went from relaxing one moment to experiencing all these feelings and emotions and sensations that were not of me but the guy I was with. And it wasn’t until I was able to find my own thoughts and control my own mind purely, that in one horrible rush, all the energy of his rushed away from me. Like I melted away from myself and the experience zoomed down from my head to my toes and the room melted into the place I had seen when I first walked in. All the things I had been seeing in less than an instant rushed back into his mind and he lay there still. Not a care in the world. Not a clue that I had just seen and experience everything I think he was thinking. Because I KNOW I didn’t make those thoughts on my own.

I was beyond scared. I was immobile. I could hardly breathe. I wanted to cry and scream and melt away into nothing. But as my breath returned and I calmed down, I’ve began to think long and hard about that time. And the seemingly countless others I’ve now come to have in the past with various others. Sure perception probably plays a role in this somehow but today I’m focused on how I experienced his thoughts.

And for me, it boils down to this.

The collective consciousness.

There is no proof that our thoughts are maintained in the brain. Maybe they are produced there, but a thought is not a tangible thing that must be stored within a body as most would assume until now. If I have been able to clear my thoughts and solve the majority of issues I’ve been handed in my life so far to a point that I’ve have no qualms with others. No issues of contention with others thoughts, then it could stand to reason that I would have a clear path in my consciousness that would allow me to easily access the thoughts/consciousness of others.

This, however, has not been enjoyable for me. If you’ve read my blog for a while, like a few years, you know this journey of consciousness has been a long and tough one. I don’t think it’s something that can be achieved overnight. We have years of thoughts built up in this physical lifetime, not to mention however much pain etc may be passed down through DNA and what not. Then on top of that, I now risk exposing myself in times of vulnerability to others minds without meaning or wanting to. Plus, I highly doubt some people want their thoughts that must be on the outer edge of their minds that they’ve hidden in the deepest darkest part away from their centre to be exposed and viewed by others without permission.

In a way, it’s a beautiful thing to consider and hope for and believe in. But… I think in general people would want to start cleaning up their own thoughts before they know they may be experienced by an outsider.

But that’s just my personal opinion. I know I’ll be working on what I think even in the darkest recesses of my mind, in the unknown. On the off chance it may be touching someone else’s mind and affecting them.

I have been working on it. And will continue to with every conscious thought I make.

-Together/Kirk Franklin, Tori Kelly & FOR KING AND COUNTRY-

Time To Take A Stand And Save Our Future Like We All Got Shot / Throwing Up Our Hands Don’t Let Them Shoot Us ‘Cause We All We Got, We All We Got God Ain’t Put Us On The Earth To Get Murdered, It’s Murder

Phew. A lot of emotions. Just a heads up I don’t have a clear plan of what I’m going to write today because there are currently so many things going through my head. I’m just trying to organize my mind so I can get on with my day.

My kids and I have been talking a lot about racism and injustices around the world the last couple days as I mentioned in my last post. We’ve made the decision to all attend a peaceful protest that is taking place in our city tomorrow afternoon to make our solidarity known. I want my kids to know that they don’t have to nor should they ever stand idly by the sidelines when they see someone in need. And this? This is a whole race in need. Yes it effects us directly since my kids have a father who is Kenyan, but more than that I’ve taught my kids simple right from wrong, and the blatant racism that is killing individuals who happen to look like them is MORE than wrong. So we will do our part to change it.

This is a exposure of true character. A time to get off the fence. Maybe you or your family isn’t in danger of being manhandled by police. Perhaps your world is calm and quiet and comfortable. But maybe by joining a peaceful protest or signing a petition, you can make your experience a reality for people of colour. Instead of just sitting and watching the news and seeing protest or riots which some individuals have started, maybe join in with what you can now, so we can solve this issue and not have to have a repeat of this issue years down the road.

I was out for groceries this morning and over heard and elderly couple complaining amongst themselves about how they didn’t like being directed by a East Indian man telling them what till to go to or where to stand / when to unload their groceries. This was due to the Covid -19 restrictions and has been put into place for social distancing reasons.

All I could think was imagine having those ‘restrictions’ your whole life times 100 or more. That kind of segregation or separation from better opportunities. From higher paying jobs. Better health care. Imagine being looked down on for something you were born with. Imagine people thinking you were a threat as you went about your daily life? You might start to resent it a little to. You might have a little built up frustration in you too.

Then imagine there was a movement that unfortunately started because police officers did not enforce any law as is their job, but have continually killed people that looked like you. I could imagine you would at that point step in to join that movement for change in whatever form it took. So if you are still on the fence on this one, on the fight for justice for black lives because you think it doesn’t effect you or think it’s fine to just chill on the couch while others take up the cause, you’re dead wrong.

This is reaching worldwide. The world you are part of. It’s our opportunity to obliterate racism and not only make a change for the better but chose the best. I can assure you that the society we live in is nowhere near the best in its current form. We need all people on board. It’s either you support a change, or you are against it, or you have no thought either way.

Do you want to be known as someone who just lets the racist possibly succeed because you stood on the fence? On or off. For or against. Make your position known.

Killer or human.

-The Game/Don’t Shoot-

For 400 Years You Had Your Knees On Our Necks A Garden Of Evil With No Seeds Of Respect In America’s Mirror All She Sees Is Regret Instead Of Letting Blood Live They Begging For Blood Let

Here’s a text conversation I never thought would have to take place.

As a mom, I talk about it all with my kids, as most of my readers know by now. We’ve discussed drugs. We’ve talked about God and religion. We’ve had in depth chats about where babies come from and the intimacy of relationships. But today I had to have a discussion with my kids about racism and how it killed #georgefloyd and countless others. I had to look my young children in the eye and tell them how the fears and miseducation of others could potentially effect their lives one day.

Now as much as it made me want to die a little inside to have this talk with my kids, and see them try and process why anyone would be so idiotic to hurt another human based on their skin tone, it’s nothing in comparison to the pain and hurt that the family of George Floyd is experiencing. It’s nothing to be a little uncomfortable in my house to try and teach my kids how to behave if they ever encounter a police officer that is not the kindest. Don’t talk back, don’t give sass. Or if they are in a situation with an individual who is treating them differently based on how they look, they need to know that is a poor reflection on that person, not on my kids themselves. I can deal with that awkwardness if it saves their life.

What I couldn’t deal with, is not talking to them, and having this situation become something that produces anything like the tragedy that we’ve witnessed in the States.

It’s not my place to determine how the battle is fought, or what feelings they should feel. What I will do is support the change. I will use my voice to make this movement known and let the world know that I most assuredly support #blacklivesmatter . I will continue to educate myself on ways to help, and move forward in doing so in ways I feel are healthy and beneficial. I have signed petitions to bring the officers involved in George Floyd’s death to justice, as well as others dealing with past instances of police brutality, where officers are still walking free. How we come together and support is always up to us individually, but by keeping quiet it may seem like you support the oppressor. I for one would hate for years down the road to have my children (mixed race or not) ask me to my face what I did, or didn’t do in this time if I failed to contribute. Did I allow the suffering of humans to continue without making ANY effort to change the world that is ours for the better? We don’t know what will become of this but I can only hope we as a society will move forward in a more positive direction as we see the value of human life, and more people start to contribute to the teaching and growth of this movement instead of sitting in complacency.

People should not kill people.

Wether you agree with how the anger and pain and frustration is being vented or not, I KNOW you can agree with that statement.

People should never kill people.

And we need to support the ones who are being killed, because as a white person, my skin protects me. So I choose to join with those who are at risk based on their skin tone. We need to join our voices with them and let them speak and have their say.

#blacklivesmatter #useyourvoice #educateyourself

-LLCoolJ-

I Know You’re Built To Love, But Broken Now, So Just Try, Yeah I know You’re Chokin’ On Your Fears

So never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen. We went to get the mail yesterday and there were a few small packages in it, one for each of the kids and myself. From E. Not gonna lie at first I was like wtf? For a quick instant I was like is it something dangerous? What could it possibly be? Why after all these years, over 6 to be exact, would my ex be mailing something to his kids for the first time ever? So I sat in the front of my car and opened the Little E’s package first before handing it over just in case it was something that was better off handled by me. Is that a federal offence? I’m not 100% sure, but as a mother I’m sure you’d do it to if your ex sent your kids a small package in the mail for the first time ever after being apart for 6 years. I wanted to make sure it was something that would be good for Little E. Not harmful.

Surprise of my year when I looked in a saw a book and a card! I peeked in the card an saw the start of a nice note written to Little E. I opened Z’s package and saw something similar so I handed the packages back to the kids and told them they were from their dad.

I asked them to wait to open them and we called E so he could see their reactions as they opened the small gifts. I figured he had done this small thing for his kids he should at least be able to enjoy it. He picked up as I was pretty sure he would as I know he’s not working and doesn’t leave the house often due to his mental health issues, and watched the kids open their gifts.

I had to read the cards to the kids for them since he had written in cursive, and I will admit he did a really good job. Never in over the dozen years of knowing E has he written me a card, and now these heartfelt cards had words like I’m proud of you and you’re growing into a smart young woman etc. They weren’t just left at the writings that the cards had preprinted inside. It was really nice to see.

Then I opened my envelope and there, for the first time was an ugly ass purple card for Mother’s Day. The first one I’ve ever gotten from the father of my kids. Saying thank you for being a good mom.

And I was speechless. I teared up. Because I have to admit this week I felt like calling E and bitching at him to say I’ve been raising these kids on my own for the last 6 years without so much as a thank you, but I restrained myself One, because I’ve never done that before so why start now, and two because I’ve been really trying hard to control what kind of energy I put into the world, and also because I know he struggles with the reality of other people’s life’s at he is dealing with so much in his own mind. So I didn’t want to put that on him. So I didn’t call.

But when that card came in the mail I felt guilty for putting those thoughts out there. Yes, I needed him to acknowledge that I’ve been doing a great job and that I’ve been doing it alone. But I also need to keep my own mind in check of how I think of other people.

So I just wanted to share that my kids received the first ever gifts from their dad this week. Ones that I didn’t shop for on his behalf, and kind heartfelt written cards that they’ll treasure for a long time. And maybe it doesn’t seem that important to you, because your family is great and your dad does that stuff for you all the time, but just know I’ve been praying for this for a long time. And it’s beautiful to see it happen. And to see my kids hold those books, and get something I couldn’t give them no matter how hard I tried.

Was heart breaking and wonderful at the same time.

-Be Kind/Halsey and Marshmello-