Flaws On The Table, I Don’t Feel Insecure

Today I have to write just to get out of my head. Last night K called again like he always does, and somewhere during folding laundry and watching the hockey game, he threw out this… “offer” or “suggestion” shall we call it. I should let you all know that yeah we’ve been fucking again non-stop since… well I can’t remember, but yeah we’re tight.

Anyways to paraphrase, he brought up how I was already considering a boob job among other things, and said if he were to pay for it, would I get like a fat transfer deal thing. Basically where they take the fat from my stomach and stick it in my ass.

…Ummm… Why? Why do you want me to do it? What would you pay for it? It took me so long to drag the answer out of him, but in the end the answer was reasonable and made me both smile, and feel incredibly hurt all at once.

He explained that how a body looks is very important to him (obviously, he’s of the male species I expect nothing less, but also his body is frickin amazing), but he knows it’s not as important to me. Also that he understands I don’t have the time/energy/money to invest into my body like that. So he’s willing to do it for me… so that we could be together. Then there was a comment about mind, soul, and body… I have mind and soul…and he would help with my body if I wanted.

HOLD UP, wait a minute. I am sooo conflicted right now. Do I want all that he’s offering? Sure! I’d love to have a few things done here and there.. and to not have to pay? Bonus! But as a condition for getting together with a guy? Hell no! Who do you think you are! This is my body. Plus, how do you think it makes me feel now, KNOWING that every time we’ve fucked you have been thinking about my stomach or ass, or lack thereof. Shit. It makes me feel like shit.

He did explain it so thoughtfully though. He said he would do his best to keep himself looking good and would do this for me, so that I could feel good. Although for some reason he felt the need to throw in the fact that “back home” the girls (strippers) all have amazing bodies. And it just makes me feel less then. Like what happens if I do this, and we get together for what I think is long term, and then one day my body changes again? Is that when we’re done? Or he wants another nip/tuck here/there? Plus for the record, I am never going to be a stripper, so what does my body matter, if I don’t plan on making a living off of it!

And what is he willing to change for me? Not much by the sounds of it. We talked a little, him about how body image is very important, and me about how security, stability and safety is important for myself and my kids. He just said in the simplest of terms that he is who is, and doesn’t plan on changing how he lives, at least not any time soon, especially if he plans on making fast money to provide things like this for me.

So on one hand, I do understand where he is coming from and actually appreciate his honesty, and he said it as kindly as could be said and I am considering it, because 1)I do have such strong feelings for him and 2) Free body work that I’ve been considering anyways. But on the other (feminist/logical) hand, I feel like it was something that never needed to be said. If he wanted to be with me, he would accept my mind body and soul as is. And if I wanted to change, I would change.

Ahhhhh, life.

-Kevin Gates/Excuse Me-