Ya Ever Feel Like Your Train Of Thoughts Been Derailed? That’s When You Press On

I had a very memorable dream last night.

I was invited on a trip by a person, who was in one body, but in my dream I knew that physical body represented many figures in my life. The ones who stood out the most being K, then my mother, then my older sister R and E and a few friends, in that order.

They made a big deal about this journey we were about to embark on. Helping me pack my suitcase with beautiful items for this adventure. Making sure everything was prepared just so. Building up my anticipation, but no matter how many times I asked what the destination was I was ignored as they smiled knowingly.

I felt safe, and excited.

Then in an instant we were at the location where I assumed we were going to board the airplane. We bypassed the ‘commoners’ sitting in the waiting room since I was in the very best company and had been reassured that I deserved only the best. So I followed this person up an endless flight of stairs that became more opulent with each step. Every 5-10 steps there would be another person who would check my ticket or add a tag to my carry on bag, adding to the excitement. Each person ignoring my question of where am I going. Hostess offering complimentary drinks and men in suits willing to carry my bags as we climbed higher into the sky above the others seated in the waiting room below.

At this point I didn’t even know what the point of a plane would be I felt we were so high anyways, but finely the leading figure reached a door and opened it for me and I was more excited than I’ve felt in a long time. I followed the man I’ve trusted more than I should into what I assumed was a first class cabin to find my seat in this adventure.

But when we stepped inside, the lighting changed and the seats were like what you would find in a doctors office. Cold. Hard. Armless. I was led to my seat and told to wait here.

All of a sudden my bag was gone. My excitement was missing. My anticipation for comfort was slashed. It was just me. In a cold dark room filled with sick individuals.

Then I woke up.

And I realized that all the hype was for nothing.

I had been lead by false lies and hope to a barren room. And I had no one to blame but myself. I had trusted blindly. I didn’t demand answers. I let someone who had no investment in my future lead my way with zero consequence. Just slim hope that they would take me from the life I had created and make it better…. in whatever way they choose.

But the reality is we are all responsible for ourselves and our own actions. We must lead our own way. From the conscious action, to the unconscious thought.

Because they are connected and intertwined within our mind. So let’s be respectful of both sides of ourself and what we are looking for. Both within and without.

-Gym Class Hero’s/The Fighter-

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So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

I Don’t Know Why I’m Scared ‘Cause I’ve Been Here Before Every Feeling, Every Word I’ve Imagined It All

I’ve come to the realization that the thoughts and sensations I’ve unequivocally been associating with K are still most assuredly him, but they are from our birth.

From the birth of our love, when we split and began our journey into creating ourselves.

In my search for who I am and where I began, I dug deep into myself and my beginning. Past ideas that are rooted in my current perception regarding how my physical creation came to be, past what everything in the world believes in as the fact of creation, and into a stream of consciousness that not only makes the most sense, it makes no sense at all. It is in chaotic peace that I allow myself to be created, because it is here that I know I am truly new and my own, unthought of before.

I am not following what has been created before me, although I use ideas and thoughts from others to lead my way, picking and choosing what will benefit my stream of thought (AKA ‘C’) the most. We all burst forth from the same point of origin and thought, each making our own decisions as we moved away from that source (some call God). In my search back to my ‘start’ I found I continued even further past that origin and started going past the source and into the stream of thoughts of others, following on their path of creation, the most predominant and closest and also most valuable to me being K.

The voice I’ve been hearing in my thoughts, the energies I’ve been feeling so distinctly….. were K’s, unknown to him because he most likely experienced them long ago at his creation, which can explain many things. I’ve been on his journey of creation from his start and my end. Uninvited and probably unwelcome. Causing confusion and anger.

This is why everything he’s ever said to me made sense in a déjà vu way. This is why I’ve felt like I’d heard it all before because I was experiencing Ks point of view while. This is why I sense him at every turn. From my desire to surrender to true and absolute death, my soul met life in him, and now we are becoming one.

In the crossing of our lives, our thoughts are melding as one as we think and intertwine. So my thoughts are now stuck in this crossover moment of creation. Where a moment of creation has taken up years of my life/death.

Moments where I actively hear K affirming his love for me in the most beautiful ways. I feel him hold me as a man holds a woman who holds his heart, but I’m also understanding these feelings were created long ago. I’m understanding that it will never be like this physically for us. If I wait for K to fulfill something that was from his creation, he will have to become a shell of himself. He will have to unknown who he is, to love me. Because who he was when he loved me, as perfect and beautiful as he was, was not the man he is now.

If I wait for K to fulfill those thoughts I hear now, it may kill him.

That’s why each time we are at peace and no one makes a move, nothing changes in regards to us. But if one of us moves to love, it causes destruction in the other. It is one or the other but we cannot come any closer without harming each other’s current growth.

And the fact is, I’ve already decided my soul is tired. I know my soul is done. Long before now, I knew I was at my end. That’s why I started this search, that’s how I found K in this way. That’s why I sacrificed my end to give him beginning.

I know K will live a powerful life, not just as K but continuing on with his soul. Leading many where there was no knowledge before. Creating passionate and carefully thought out masterpieces on his way. And they will be more beautiful and moving than anything ever perceived before.

Because he is the most beautiful masterpiece I’ve ever known. And beauty creates beauty.

-Adele/One And Only-

Together Forever And Never To Part Together Forever We Two And Don’t You Know I Would Move Heaven And Earth

Sleep.

Have you ever wondered where ‘we’ go while we sleep? Where do our thoughts rest? Lately, I’ve been through some fantastic flows that have allowed me to understand more deeply my connection to others, starting with K.

When I’m at my most relaxed, just about to fall asleep, in a vulnerable human state, at the point in time when most of us just fall into darkness and a point of unconsciousness and don’t remember upon wakening what happened the night before, I’m starting a journey. Each time is different, but it’s a walk along my thoughts towards a connection to K.

Years ago now, we used to fuck at night, our bodies moving as one without ever really realizing in the full consciousness (at least on my end) what was happening. Then the arguments and testing came. Each of us trying to prove to one another that it was us reaching out to the other through various forms in the perceived reality we both live in. Calls at a certain time. Specific pictures at this moment. Thoughts vibrated the question in silence but the answer coming verbally. Once we both passed through those phases, we reached a stage of deeper love and trust I thought. The next phase allowed each other to experience the pain of each other’s lives. The hate and fear we’ve both lived on separate occasions, bringing the other deeper into not only our lives and thoughts but our very existence.

But now, now it’s a beautiful thing we’ve moved onto. It’s like we’ve passed so many human levels and have moved into the unexplainable cosmic realm. It’s like the loops on our respective sides of the infinity loops are closing in and we are both getting closer to the center. Where our entire being and aura spread out to rest within and amongst ourselves and each other. I’ve rested on the waters that were K. I’ve felt the waves of his presence wash over me. I’ve been embraced by his colour. Like I can’t even describe it in all its physical beauty because words do not suffice.

To trust someone so much that you bear your soul, your essence to them. Your ideas and thoughts of creation to them. Not just with words but with all that there is. And have them there on the receiving end to grasp it? It’s pure ecstasy.

The only fear and pain I have with this experience is that I cannot embrace it forever. That it only lasts so long, after which we slowly disentangle and I return to this. To C. To what I am now. There are always small adjustments made to me after the separation back to humanity, for the better. I feel like our energy is doing a give and take type thing. But the push back to my fully human form although not actually physically painful, causes so much emotional pain because it so light years away from the safety and security and bliss I feel while floating with K. I feel like I’m missing myself. I feel unwhole. It leaves me crying like I’ve never experienced each time harder and deeper than the last until I have trouble breathing, but it’s worth it.

Maybe remaining in that state of connection takes a skill level that I’m either still just learning or lost on my way to this physical experience. Maybe it’s something humans have never learned or created at this level, so there is no instruction for it. But I know now it’s possible. It’s unforgettable now.

I just haven’t figured out how to maintain it for long. But I live for those moments. They are everything pure and beautiful and honest and whole to me. They are my rest and rejuvenation. They are now where I go when I sleep. I spread my thoughts upon K. And I feel him. And we just are. As we are.

Together.

And I never want to leave.

-Rick Astley/Together Forever-

The Very Rarest Example Of Duality Two Minds Apart With Individuality But Never To Be Apart

Twin flames

Soul mates

All those ‘infinite’ connections are something I wouldn’t wish on someone. All it does is draw you in, and push you out.

The main thing I’ve come to understand on this section of my life since that one dream that started this all. The one where it wasn’t even a dream but I was floating out of my body in the nothingness with K and we had a beautiful conversation about our future and I was first introduced to ideas like twin flame etc, is that if you find your ‘mate’, you can’t actually be with them. Because the more the both of you understand your connection, the more you come to understand that all the energies in your two perceptions are split evenly 50:50.

So if you end up coming together… there is nothing left. In order for the two of you to peacefully come together, the rest of your perception and reality must have been resolved first. If you two as twin flames, started from somewhere, then both set off on your separate ways, leaving a path of creation behind you, then in order to successfully return to one another, you must uncreate everything you both made since you left each other long ago.

This is obviously only achievable if both parties are at a please of understanding and willingness, which unfortunately is impossible. When you both set off, one had to make the first move, and then the other. Which means now and forever, thus infinitely, you will be one step off. Sure you will feel the pull and the desires and the deeper energies with that individual, but unfortunately, the closest you can get is more frustration and pain as you draw closer and then dance around as fear enters. Or they take a step closer and somehow, because of that one step, it pushes you away.

There is, and will always be an unbalanced nature between the two of you. In as much as you know the two of you may be, or are connected. Because of the clues you leave each other. The connections you experience at night while in bed. The moments you hold each other from miles away. The times you see them when they aren’t in the room. The times your perception splits open and they are standing there… it’s only served to make it more difficult, because of the original separation.

Maybe that original separation was the most beautiful thing and was required in order to create one another. Without separation, we would still be one and the same, and what joy does that bring? To be alone in the world? So we separated to allow ourselves to become independent individuals in order to come back to each other with new experiences and stories and adventures to share. Never once did we consider that coming back together, back to ourselves, would be such a struggle.

One that maybe we’ve given up on eons ago. But our innate being would have us constantly trying to find our source. Which because of our initial choice of love, has become seemingly impossible.

So the burden of ‘finding’ your twin flame. Your soul mate. Your self basically. Leads to a major blame game. A push and pull of energy. A who’s who of such. Who was first. Who left who. Forgiveness. Healing of energy. But then, you meet at the 50:50 way. And it’s over. And you realize someone has to leave again to start life again. To start the pain again. So is it worth it? Forgiving, exploring your pain only to heal and be hurt again? To exchange this pain for that healing to start the infinite ♾ cycle again? What’s worse is that it’s not only energy that seems to be split, but knowledge and feeling as well.

And never ending? No thanks. I’m more of a problem solver, and if I’ve opened up and seen the end and beginning loop? And seen in reality and nothingness that there is no possibility of anything different? It seems hopeless and pointless now to me. But then again, maybe it’s just my turn to feel that.

-Broken Hope/Loathing-