I Hope You Both Feel The Sparks By The End Of The Drive I Hope You Know She’s The One By The End Of The Night

I haven’t just written about what’s going on in my life lately.

Today, my kids are attending their official last day of school. Z is done grade 1 and Little E has completed grade 4. It seems necessary to mark this occasion after the whirlwind of a season we’ve been through in this last little while. But I can now say they’ve officially, and quite successfully made it! Most of their marks being above average. I’m not a fan of the marking system the schools here use. There are no letters or percentages given out, it’s like a sentence rating. Which I don’t see as better per say. Like there are 3 preset sentences the teacher can choose from but we all know they basically represent a grade or level of achievement. Like ‘meeting expectations’ or ‘ exceeding expectations’ etc. We all know they are just place holders for the grade or level of achievement the child has obtained. My kids have been doing more than fine with them working above grade level in a few courses, so I’m not concerned. My point is does it really make it better to have it written out point blank ‘you are not meeting the expectations’ and have the gut feeling you’re not good enough or to see like a C grade or something and just be like ok. Cool. Whatever. Do better next time maybe. I don’t know. I’m not a teacher (I dropped out of university when I had Little E) but I think the letters were fine.

Wow didn’t think I’d go in about that lol. Anyway my kids are excited for the summer. Not like it’ll make a difference to our routine much. We’ve been at the beach so much already since I’ve been working from home and the Covid junk has been going on. We have our private beach at the park which makes living in a trailer park worth all the embarrassing feelings I have almost worth it. All the camps and sports I had the kiddos signed up for during the summer have been canceled so basically I just went and bought some fun new water floatys and plan on relaxing all day erryday in the lake.

As far as how I’m doing personally? Decent I guess. It’s two fold. As a regular shmegular human, I think I’m doing quite successful. My kids are well behaved and joyful. They have friends and are happy and pleasant. I have a nice house and a car that runs however I need to still get the air conditioner fixed that my sister broke last summer. I have a good secure job that pays well and is more than flexible. I live in a beautiful town with gorgeous views and neighbours who both keep to themselves as well as keep an eye out on my kids and bring over gifts and flowers/veggies/fruits from their garden for us.

So really, pretty good. But I’m lonely. And the worst part about all this is I have offers for dates and I’ve been out with guys, but it feels inauthentic because I’m still in love with K. To the point I’ve had to explain it to one guy because he kept pestering me as to why I didn’t want to be with him. As crappy as K was to me sometimes, part of me can’t move on with anyone else because of that weird connection we made. But what makes it worse is the sense that it’s completely one sided and I know there’s nothing that I can do about it except have my own feeling regarding the situation. No one is holding my hand to the fire saying I can’t move on and have a relationship with someone else. In fact most would probably recommend it. And to them I would say, I’ve tried. I went on those few dates. I even went so far as to sleep with other guys. But it was empty and even gross. Like I was trying to prove something to myself that I could be ok and create a emotion and feeling for another person. But there was nothing. Nothing except thoughts of how it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t as good. It felt even disloyal. It made me feel dirty.

So even thought it’s been years, and I still cry about him ohhhh at least 4-5 times a week, I’ve at least learned that I don’t want anyone else. For me, I think that’s a good place to be. A good thing to have learned. No, it obviously doesn’t mean his feelings change in anyway, but I can grow in my life by understanding that I don’t have to be paired with another man. I know who I love, and I can rest in that peace. Where the loneliness comes from is staying loyal to my choice of not pairing up with random men while I stay true to myself and my understanding of who I love. So I’m not saying I’m just going to live my life waiting for him to love me. What I’m saying is I know who I love and who effects my life in the most beautiful way and because of that I can peacefully put the search for a partner aside and live the rest of my life to the fullest in this moment.


-I Hope/Gabby Barrett-

This Is For The Question Marks / Together We Are Dangerous Together With Our Differences

I had a terrible…. ‘thing’ happen Saturday night. I want to say nightmare but I wasn’t sleeping. I wish more than anything right now that it was a dream, but I was wiiiiiiide awake unfortunately. Which makes it all the more terrifying.

To be honest I didn’t realize it was happening until it was over. Because it all felt to real. It’s like to realities merged together in some very scary mind bending alternate universe but at the same time it was in my head. Yet out of my head since it happened to me/with me. Ugh this shits to hard to write to explain. There aren’t words enough to do it justice. It’s like either you feel and experience it or you don’t.

But there I was in the moment and I was understanding someone else’s thoughts. Like I was living the things he was thinking of doing to me. It was horrible and terrible and disgusting and morbid, yet in that moment I couldn’t pull myself out because I didn’t realize it wasn’t this true reality to me in that time. I went from relaxing one moment to experiencing all these feelings and emotions and sensations that were not of me but the guy I was with. And it wasn’t until I was able to find my own thoughts and control my own mind purely, that in one horrible rush, all the energy of his rushed away from me. Like I melted away from myself and the experience zoomed down from my head to my toes and the room melted into the place I had seen when I first walked in. All the things I had been seeing in less than an instant rushed back into his mind and he lay there still. Not a care in the world. Not a clue that I had just seen and experience everything I think he was thinking. Because I KNOW I didn’t make those thoughts on my own.

I was beyond scared. I was immobile. I could hardly breathe. I wanted to cry and scream and melt away into nothing. But as my breath returned and I calmed down, I’ve began to think long and hard about that time. And the seemingly countless others I’ve now come to have in the past with various others. Sure perception probably plays a role in this somehow but today I’m focused on how I experienced his thoughts.

And for me, it boils down to this.

The collective consciousness.

There is no proof that our thoughts are maintained in the brain. Maybe they are produced there, but a thought is not a tangible thing that must be stored within a body as most would assume until now. If I have been able to clear my thoughts and solve the majority of issues I’ve been handed in my life so far to a point that I’ve have no qualms with others. No issues of contention with others thoughts, then it could stand to reason that I would have a clear path in my consciousness that would allow me to easily access the thoughts/consciousness of others.

This, however, has not been enjoyable for me. If you’ve read my blog for a while, like a few years, you know this journey of consciousness has been a long and tough one. I don’t think it’s something that can be achieved overnight. We have years of thoughts built up in this physical lifetime, not to mention however much pain etc may be passed down through DNA and what not. Then on top of that, I now risk exposing myself in times of vulnerability to others minds without meaning or wanting to. Plus, I highly doubt some people want their thoughts that must be on the outer edge of their minds that they’ve hidden in the deepest darkest part away from their centre to be exposed and viewed by others without permission.

In a way, it’s a beautiful thing to consider and hope for and believe in. But… I think in general people would want to start cleaning up their own thoughts before they know they may be experienced by an outsider.

But that’s just my personal opinion. I know I’ll be working on what I think even in the darkest recesses of my mind, in the unknown. On the off chance it may be touching someone else’s mind and affecting them.

I have been working on it. And will continue to with every conscious thought I make.


-Together/Kirk Franklin, Tori Kelly & FOR KING AND COUNTRY-

Time To Take A Stand And Save Our Future Like We All Got Shot / Throwing Up Our Hands Don’t Let Them Shoot Us ‘Cause We All We Got, We All We Got God Ain’t Put Us On The Earth To Get Murdered, It’s Murder

Phew. A lot of emotions. Just a heads up I don’t have a clear plan of what I’m going to write today because there are currently so many things going through my head. I’m just trying to organize my mind so I can get on with my day.

My kids and I have been talking a lot about racism and injustices around the world the last couple days as I mentioned in my last post. We’ve made the decision to all attend a peaceful protest that is taking place in our city tomorrow afternoon to make our solidarity known. I want my kids to know that they don’t have to nor should they ever stand idly by the sidelines when they see someone in need. And this? This is a whole race in need. Yes it effects us directly since my kids have a father who is Kenyan, but more than that I’ve taught my kids simple right from wrong, and the blatant racism that is killing individuals who happen to look like them is MORE than wrong. So we will do our part to change it.

This is a exposure of true character. A time to get off the fence. Maybe you or your family isn’t in danger of being manhandled by police. Perhaps your world is calm and quiet and comfortable. But maybe by joining a peaceful protest or signing a petition, you can make your experience a reality for people of colour. Instead of just sitting and watching the news and seeing protest or riots which some individuals have started, maybe join in with what you can now, so we can solve this issue and not have to have a repeat of this issue years down the road.

I was out for groceries this morning and over heard and elderly couple complaining amongst themselves about how they didn’t like being directed by a East Indian man telling them what till to go to or where to stand / when to unload their groceries. This was due to the Covid -19 restrictions and has been put into place for social distancing reasons.

All I could think was imagine having those ‘restrictions’ your whole life times 100 or more. That kind of segregation or separation from better opportunities. From higher paying jobs. Better health care. Imagine being looked down on for something you were born with. Imagine people thinking you were a threat as you went about your daily life? You might start to resent it a little to. You might have a little built up frustration in you too.

Then imagine there was a movement that unfortunately started because police officers did not enforce any law as is their job, but have continually killed people that looked like you. I could imagine you would at that point step in to join that movement for change in whatever form it took. So if you are still on the fence on this one, on the fight for justice for black lives because you think it doesn’t effect you or think it’s fine to just chill on the couch while others take up the cause, you’re dead wrong.

This is reaching worldwide. The world you are part of. It’s our opportunity to obliterate racism and not only make a change for the better but chose the best. I can assure you that the society we live in is nowhere near the best in its current form. We need all people on board. It’s either you support a change, or you are against it, or you have no thought either way.

Do you want to be known as someone who just lets the racist possibly succeed because you stood on the fence? On or off. For or against. Make your position known.

Killer or human.


-The Game/Don’t Shoot-

For 400 Years You Had Your Knees On Our Necks A Garden Of Evil With No Seeds Of Respect In America’s Mirror All She Sees Is Regret Instead Of Letting Blood Live They Begging For Blood Let

Here’s a text conversation I never thought would have to take place.

As a mom, I talk about it all with my kids, as most of my readers know by now. We’ve discussed drugs. We’ve talked about God and religion. We’ve had in depth chats about where babies come from and the intimacy of relationships. But today I had to have a discussion with my kids about racism and how it killed #georgefloyd and countless others. I had to look my young children in the eye and tell them how the fears and miseducation of others could potentially effect their lives one day.

Now as much as it made me want to die a little inside to have this talk with my kids, and see them try and process why anyone would be so idiotic to hurt another human based on their skin tone, it’s nothing in comparison to the pain and hurt that the family of George Floyd is experiencing. It’s nothing to be a little uncomfortable in my house to try and teach my kids how to behave if they ever encounter a police officer that is not the kindest. Don’t talk back, don’t give sass. Or if they are in a situation with an individual who is treating them differently based on how they look, they need to know that is a poor reflection on that person, not on my kids themselves. I can deal with that awkwardness if it saves their life.

What I couldn’t deal with, is not talking to them, and having this situation become something that produces anything like the tragedy that we’ve witnessed in the States.

It’s not my place to determine how the battle is fought, or what feelings they should feel. What I will do is support the change. I will use my voice to make this movement known and let the world know that I most assuredly support #blacklivesmatter . I will continue to educate myself on ways to help, and move forward in doing so in ways I feel are healthy and beneficial. I have signed petitions to bring the officers involved in George Floyd’s death to justice, as well as others dealing with past instances of police brutality, where officers are still walking free. How we come together and support is always up to us individually, but by keeping quiet it may seem like you support the oppressor. I for one would hate for years down the road to have my children (mixed race or not) ask me to my face what I did, or didn’t do in this time if I failed to contribute. Did I allow the suffering of humans to continue without making ANY effort to change the world that is ours for the better? We don’t know what will become of this but I can only hope we as a society will move forward in a more positive direction as we see the value of human life, and more people start to contribute to the teaching and growth of this movement instead of sitting in complacency.

People should not kill people.

Wether you agree with how the anger and pain and frustration is being vented or not, I KNOW you can agree with that statement.

People should never kill people.

And we need to support the ones who are being killed, because as a white person, my skin protects me. So I choose to join with those who are at risk based on their skin tone. We need to join our voices with them and let them speak and have their say.

#blacklivesmatter #useyourvoice #educateyourself


-LLCoolJ-

I Know You’re Built To Love, But Broken Now, So Just Try, Yeah I know You’re Chokin’ On Your Fears

So never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen. We went to get the mail yesterday and there were a few small packages in it, one for each of the kids and myself. From E. Not gonna lie at first I was like wtf? For a quick instant I was like is it something dangerous? What could it possibly be? Why after all these years, over 6 to be exact, would my ex be mailing something to his kids for the first time ever? So I sat in the front of my car and opened the Little E’s package first before handing it over just in case it was something that was better off handled by me. Is that a federal offence? I’m not 100% sure, but as a mother I’m sure you’d do it to if your ex sent your kids a small package in the mail for the first time ever after being apart for 6 years. I wanted to make sure it was something that would be good for Little E. Not harmful.

Surprise of my year when I looked in a saw a book and a card! I peeked in the card an saw the start of a nice note written to Little E. I opened Z’s package and saw something similar so I handed the packages back to the kids and told them they were from their dad.

I asked them to wait to open them and we called E so he could see their reactions as they opened the small gifts. I figured he had done this small thing for his kids he should at least be able to enjoy it. He picked up as I was pretty sure he would as I know he’s not working and doesn’t leave the house often due to his mental health issues, and watched the kids open their gifts.

I had to read the cards to the kids for them since he had written in cursive, and I will admit he did a really good job. Never in over the dozen years of knowing E has he written me a card, and now these heartfelt cards had words like I’m proud of you and you’re growing into a smart young woman etc. They weren’t just left at the writings that the cards had preprinted inside. It was really nice to see.

Then I opened my envelope and there, for the first time was an ugly ass purple card for Mother’s Day. The first one I’ve ever gotten from the father of my kids. Saying thank you for being a good mom.

And I was speechless. I teared up. Because I have to admit this week I felt like calling E and bitching at him to say I’ve been raising these kids on my own for the last 6 years without so much as a thank you, but I restrained myself One, because I’ve never done that before so why start now, and two because I’ve been really trying hard to control what kind of energy I put into the world, and also because I know he struggles with the reality of other people’s life’s at he is dealing with so much in his own mind. So I didn’t want to put that on him. So I didn’t call.

But when that card came in the mail I felt guilty for putting those thoughts out there. Yes, I needed him to acknowledge that I’ve been doing a great job and that I’ve been doing it alone. But I also need to keep my own mind in check of how I think of other people.

So I just wanted to share that my kids received the first ever gifts from their dad this week. Ones that I didn’t shop for on his behalf, and kind heartfelt written cards that they’ll treasure for a long time. And maybe it doesn’t seem that important to you, because your family is great and your dad does that stuff for you all the time, but just know I’ve been praying for this for a long time. And it’s beautiful to see it happen. And to see my kids hold those books, and get something I couldn’t give them no matter how hard I tried.

Was heart breaking and wonderful at the same time.


-Be Kind/Halsey and Marshmello-