I’m Not Your Gumdrop, ‘Cause I Walk All Alone I Got My Tough, Tough Power And I Call This Body My Home

Real quick personal post…. hahaha which of my posts aren’t personal, this whole blog is my life story lol. But anyways quick is my point. I’ve made a semi dedicated goal (let’s get real, all my goals are half assed, but let’s see where this one gets me) to get more in shape. Not a New Years resolution, but just something I’ve been complaining about for months and I now have the energy to deal with. So I went back to the gym today and got a body scan done before my workout by the trainer for starting reference and the results surprised me.

So in my head I had a good 50 lbs to lose and I’d be ‘happy’ or at least I feel I’d be more/most comfortable with my body. I’m not 100% sure since I’ve never been that kinda weight my whole adult life. Since all my recent fluctuations I’m now officially back up to 225 lbs. Not something I’m proud of but it is what it is. My goal was always the 170-180 range. I’m 5’9 pushing 5’10 and I felt that was reasonable, but wanted to feel it out along the way. I’m in no way now, nor have I ever been considered petite or small framed. I’m big. Which is just fact. Like I have curly hair. I’m fat. Nothing good or bad either way.

Anyways, one of the trainers at the gym did this scan to figure out weight vs. body fat and muscle etc, and the main thing that stood out to me is that right now I’m at 21% body fat which is less than 50 lbs. And my muscle mass was crazy high in comparison. So I thought being a certain weight would change everything, but this scan made me realize how deeply weight is I only a number. If I get down to my ‘goal weight’ there’s a high possibility that I start to deplete muscle mass which I’ve worked hard to gain. So it just led me to discover that yes, I’m overweight but I’m also quite strong, which I knew. It helped me recognize the work I’ve done so far at the gym has been not in vain and also that sometimes numbers on the scale are just that… numbers.

So while I do still want to lose weight, I think it’s more of a focus on body shape and my image of myself as opposed to just reaching an arbitrary number on the scale. I want to be healthier and mainly I want to be happier. Happier when I try on clothes and they fit the way I want them to. I can’t do anything about every god damn pair of jeans being to short, but I can change how my massive muffin top/beer belly hangs over the front. I can’t change how saggy my boobs are after nursing two kids and the fact that ones more saggy than the other, but I can tone up and be able to have more choices in bras in stock since I won’t only fit the absolute largest one. I can’t do anything about my stretch marks, but I can tighten up my tummy so they aren’t stretched to the max still. So as much as I’m not NOT impressed with my body, there ARE things I can do to improve it. I guess I just needed today to show me how far I have come already and the possibility that my goal of seeing a certain weight reflected on the scale was an unhealthy one. Each body is different and I learned my body is far stronger than I give it credit for. And although I’m not gonna win Miss Universe anytime soon ever, I’m also not going to be blown over in the next breeze and I can be counted on to help you move your couch… and I’m not just talking about holding the door open. This chicks got muscles 💪🏽.

-BAUM/This Body-

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It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

When you sit back and think about it, we all had to come from somewhere. Someone somehow we are all connected. I know it’s not a thought we all consider on the daily, but logically, this earth didn’t just appear yesterday functioning at this level of consciousness and efficiency that we are at today. Which leads me to wonder, when did it start, and from where, which leads to the only logical consideration that no matter what you believe as far as a creation standpoint, it will start at some point. Lending to the argument that we all, weather we like it or not, weather we want it or not, we all started at the same point. Not us in our physical bodies as we stand today, but as the very least the creation of either our thought or our soul or whatever you may call it.

So, if we were all “created” or “started” at the same “time” or within the same breathe or choose the same moment to begin, or whatever you believe or whichever path your thoughts took long ago, it really makes no difference what journey your thoughts took, what matters is that in this moment, we are here together, and we, logically thinking and speaking, all began in the exact same moment.

Have we had the exact same experiences since that time? Of course not. This journey is just that. A journey. With each of us individually afforded our own choices and decision making skills. Throughout the infinite history, it has brought our bodies to this point in time, where we can acknowledge the grandeur of our past and move on, or rest in our souls accomplishments thus far. Has your body completed what it wanted to when it first set out? Were you part of the decision making process to decide grass was green or the earth would rotate a certain direction or maybe your thoughts took the journey to decide the sun would burn hot instead of freeze cold.

And now we’re here. What are your thoughts actively partaking in? Are you thinking universal as you might have once done? Or have you narrowed your mind to just think simply of your bodies day to day activity?

They say ” God” is the body, the thought and the mind…. a do your u hear what I hear type thing. So when you lay in bed at night, have you closed your thoughts down to hear only “you” over the years, decades, even possible lifetimes you have lived? Or do you put your body to rest, and then just breathe. And relax your own thinking to slow down and hear the thoughts of others. Or on the other hand, are the thoughts you project into the world hindering the progression of what weave made thus far? Or contributing?

Or, the most fearsome consideration yet, have we all become so worn down by what we’ve created, that we’ve given up and we are all ready to go back to our original form. A much simpler, more loving, even God like form. Once we reconcile our lives and our souls can rest, we make that choice to. Instead of coming back to this projected perceived world, we make our final choice to rest our soul for good. We remove our thoughts and we, as an individual are no more. No more thought. No more chances. Just done.

Chosen one person at a time, will leave this world with many broken souls who didn’t know they had the chance to choose. Not somewhere I’d like to be, but once my soul is done, not something I will have knowledge of either way..


-R.E.M/ Its The End Of The World As We Know It-

I Find Myself Longing For Change And In The Bad Times I Fear Myself

Monday I had a friend over and I got so drunk. Something I’ve done less than a handful of times in my entire life. Drinking is really not something I find desirable shall we say. Anyways, life has been stressing me out more than normal and so I just let it all go. Nothing crazy happened that night but I mention it only so that when I say I missed two calls from the prison, you’ll understand why. It’s because I was so drunk I spent the night caressing the porcelain throne as opposed to watching for calls lol.

I remember being slightly upset when I saw the missed calls on my phone but it was right when I started to feel sick and the nauseated feeling definitely outweighed the sorrow of missing a phone conversation.

Which brings us to Wednesday, when I’m at work. AT WORK!!! And the COMPANY PHONE RINGS, and its the prison number. At work, on the company phone. Not even my own personal cell phone number anymore. This time, it was a female prisoner calling from somewhere in the country (I can’t remember now but I know I recognized the name of the city at the time of the call) but it was registering as the same number that calls my phone. I guess all the prisons use the same outgoing number? I’m not sure. Either way, I answered the call. Apparently it was some girl looking for her aunt. She asked if I was Anne. Nope I’m not. Then she asked if I was someone else (can’t remember I was so in shock, like literally what in the world was going on) so I said no. And she said she was looking for her aunt and I said sorry I can’t help and basically hung up. I was at work and this was just getting crazy now. Then I just let out one of those shocked laugh/chuckle things which led my co-worker to ask what happened, so I explained what happened.

So my boss A storms around the corner ‘that’s not funny’ ‘this has to stop’ Insinuating that I’ve arranged this somehow, or I have power over when the phone rings. Look I’m at work doing my job answering the phone YOU told me to answer. But he just kept going on and on about how if ‘they’re tracking me, and now know where I work, and are calling me here, then they are probably tracking him and my co-worker and it puts everyone in danger’. Etc.

I’m like don’t flatter yourself buddy. Trust me. No one has any interest in you. But good to know your a little bitch who lives in fear. But instead of feed his fear, I did my best to calm him down and explain it was a misdial and it was a girl from a different prison and she was looking for her aunt and all I did was answer the call so he backed off. For the moment. But then throughout the day he used our inter-office messaging system and it kept popping up on my computer…

‘Any more calls like that and you must report them to me immediately’

‘The likelihood of those calls being unrelated are highly unlikely’

I just kept thinking dude just back off and let me do my work. Right now, your causing more of a disturbance and threat to my peace than those calls ever did. I’m sorry you search out fear and panic, but I’m just going to move on and forget about it. If something happens then I’ll deal with it then. But for now, I’ve got enough REAL junk in my life that I’m not gonna create delusional shit in my mind.

So. Lol. Anyone else have ‘random’ prison calls at work and home?

-Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper / Shallow-

Well, It’s A Marvelous Night For A Moondance With The Stars Up Above In Your Eyes A Fantabulous Night To Make Romance ‘Neath The Cover of October Skies

K, fall is actually my favorite season. I’m hoping here, despite the huge amounts of rats I have to deal with (sigh) I’ll get to enjoy it for a longer amount of time. No, I’m not talking about pumpkin spice latte and leggings with those awfully popular uggs (I know they’re super comfy… I own a knock off pair). I like it because of the temperature for starters. It’s crisp. So it’s perfect sweater/ cardigan / jean / boot weather. Which is basically my entire closet. It means morning lattes are justified and evening wine by the fire is basically a requirement. But it also means that we don’t freeze our tits off walking the two steps to the car in 60 feet of snow and minus gazillion degrees weather. Fahrenheit or Celsius, take your pick.

But I also love the change of the leaves. You could sit outside for an afternoon and quite literally watch the leaves on a tree go from my favorite deep emerald green, to shades of orange, red, yellow and brown. Basically you watch them die, yet they still emit life through their color and ability to cling to the tree for just that little bit longer. It’s fascinating really. The beauty of it all. Not to mention the sheer and utter satisfaction I get in walking through the gutters or any other large gathering of freshly fallen crisp leaves to hear the crunch they give. So pleasing.

Then there’s the smells. It’s crisp. Not fresh like spring, but if you could smell temperature, well… obviously you can lol because fall smells sharp. It brings a chill to your nose, and awakens your brain with the coolness of it all.

Everything, everything about fall I love.

Of course it helps that the kids are back in school and I have my Fridays back to myself again lol.


-Michael Buble/Moondance-

Freedom! Where Are You? Cause I Need Freedom Too! I Break Chains All By Myself Won’t Let My Freedom Rot In Hell

Things are looking up. Way up.

I honestly hardly slept at all last night, for various reasons, but the thought of the court date today was a large component in keeping me up.

I haven’t been this excited/anxious/nervous what have you, for anything in… well I honestly can’t remember anything keeping me up like this except Christmas as a little girl. Not my wedding night. Not giving birth. Like literally nothing has given me the anticipation that this day did ever.

Today at work I was hardly productive. I kept checking the time, and comparing it to the time difference to where the court date was. Calculating in my head how long should my lawyer take before I would hear from him. Would I hear from him? What if it was bad news? What if there was no new? Fuck, what if E showed up somehow and messed up everything? Like, I just couldn’t work today, my thoughts were so distracted.

Finally just after 2:00pm I got an email from my lawyer, and I didn’t read it right away. I took a minute to compose myself. Reminding myself that nothing was set in stone, and it could still go one of two ways. Well it could go any way imaginable, but not to assume it was going to go the way I wanted it to, considering things with E never have.

So then when I finally opened the email, I could’ve cried (probably not but you get my excitement level), but my boss was standing right there, so instead I read it out loud. Yeah, my boss knows way to much about my personal life, but that’s what happens when there’s only 3 of you guys in the entire company and you relocate provinces together.

Anyways, word for word, here’s the email from my lawyer.

“C.

We were successful  in obtaining an order to sever the corollary relief today. We also obtained an order giving you primary parenting and day to day decision making for the children as well as child support in the amount based on an income of $XX,XXX per year.

We are going to draft the divorce documents. We will be in touch in due course as to what needs to be done in order to finalize this.

We’re almost done!”

I. Was. So. Happy. I literally didn’t know what to do. I think I’ve re-read it 4 times since, just to make sure it’s not a dream. Yes, there’s still a little bit of work to be done, but this is more progress in one day than what’s been made in 4.5 years.

I can move without E having anything to do with it, as it should be. I can file for maintenance enforcement, and the kids can live a much better quality of life, and soon, officially, I can say I’m divorced. I feel such relief that I don’t even know how to put it into words.

And yeah, now I’ve started crying as I write this. Because that man had such a hold on my life. I felt like I couldn’t be happy, and this just feels like such a break through. I feel like I can start living now. No clue where or how to start, but I can start really living.

You guys, it’s like after over 4 YEARS of this burden, I might actually have been set free. The whole premise and reason I started this blog was to relieve the weight of E, to tell my story in my own words, and maybe find love again.

So maybe, I’m on my way.


-Beyonce ft. Kendrick Lamar/Freedom-