So You’re Still Thinking Of Me/We Have So Much In Common We Argue All The Time

This is quite possibly shaping up to be on par with the shitty-est week ever.

First (actually I don’t even remember what happened first anymore, but) Z got the chicken pox. So that threw a wrench in my week like nobody’s business. She obviously couldn’t be at daycare, plus I had to pull little E from school and daycare just in case he was carrying the virus as well, since they didn’t want him also potentially infecting a bunch of kids. So that started on Monday with a phone call from the daycare followed up with a visit to the Doctor to confirm and then a stop at the pharmacy to stock up on calamine lotion and children’s Advil. As the week has progressed, her symptoms haven’t been that bad and she’s actually almost over it, so I’m lucky it was a very mild case since she only ended up with maybe two dozen spots and no major fever. Also, little E never ended up with a break out so that’s a blessing… maybe. I kinda was hoping they would get it at the same time so I don’t need to miss another week of work if he gets it at a different time but beggars can’t be choosers.

Anyways now that we got the all clear from the doctor, I decided to take the kids swimming today. Just to get out of the house and get my mind off everything else that’s been going on. I packed up the kids and since my weight loss I told them I’d have to make a quick stop at Walmart to grab a new swimsuit since I was fairly certain my old one wouldn’t fit. Either way I threw my old one in the swim bag and off we went. Walmart had two mismatched bottoms without tops left in their clearance section and that was it. So I figured I’d try my old bathing suit one last time since I’d already told the kids I’d take them to the pool and I didn’t want to let them down. We get to the pool, paid, and then I got both the kids ready and got my suit mostly on, when I realize one side of my halter strap is broken. And there was no way I could wear the suit without the strap since it’s about 2-3 sizes to big now and would end up around my waist without any support. So I had to explain to the kids that I tried my best, but all we could do now was play at the indoor playground.

Oh my goodness. I have raised such kind, understanding children. Little E was just like “it’s ok mom, you tried your best” and Z was like “we understand.” So we changed back into our street clothes and the kids are now running around a ridiculously busy playground.

While I write.

Which I need.

Because so many others things are fucked up.

I got an email from my lawyer yesterday? Two days ago? I don’t even remember now. But here it is.

Yeah. After E told me he signed all final documents with his lawyer, and I forwarded that email to my lawyer, he didn’t actually sign. I even had asked him a few days ago if he signed, and he lied outright and said yes, as well as confirmed on a phone call when he said he had done it.

So I’m trying to get ahold of E and he’s ignoring all my calls and messages.

I’m so beyond pissed at this excuse of a man. I just want to be done. I have just wanted to be done for years. So I replied to my lawyer with the exact screenshot as above and pretty much asked at what point do we stop allowing a severely mentally disabled person dictate how much longer this divorce will take. Like at what point can we file some contempt case or something. He’s obviously messing with the system and delaying the inevitable and it’s pissing everyone off.

Mine and his lawyer included now.

He’s just a never ending fountain of lies. And I was done with it long ago.

So in an effort to relax I tried going for a massage that K got me for my birthday while my mom was babysitting. The massage was actually very relaxing and enjoyable, so then I decided to add on a facial on a whim. I figured why not, I hardly ever have a babysitter let me live a little. So while the lady left me for 10 minutes to let a moisturizing mask do it’s thing, I wanted to check my phone to see if my kids had phoned, and to call and say good night to them.

WELL, lol. I sat up and leaned towards my feet where my purse was and that’s when the WHOLE TABLE FLIPPED OVER and I ended up on the floor 😂😂. The massage table was folded in two and I spent the better part of 5 minutes hoping no one heard (fat chance) while trying to fix the table. Let’s just say it brought back all the stress (and more) that was just released during the massage lol. And to top it all off, when I finally called my kids, I had just missed them going to bed so it was all for naught.

Then, as an added bonus, when I went to pay for it all, the gift card K had given me didn’t even work so it just made a frustrating day even more so. Needless to say, I just went home and went straight to bed.

And, because that’s not enough, K has not been answering my calls and I just really want a friend to talk to right now.

Like I get when E ghosts me like this, but for K to do it? And during the exact same timeframe as E is just fucken annoying.

So that’s life lately.

Also, a few of you commented on my last post, and the basic jest of the comments lead me to believe that I misled you. Yes crying helped that night. But no, my experiences have not stopped. They lessened for that night, and then returned in full force the next night and every night since.

-Khalid/Young Dumb & Broke-

Now You’re Out Here Looking Like Regret Ain’t Too Proud To Beg, Second Chance You’ll Never Get

So, I got an update from my lawyer. After constantly harassing him about updates in regards to the divorce (obviously, why else would I bother my lawyer) he finally told me last week that the only thing that E was yet to agree on was the Section 7 expenses. Basically the past money he owes me for the kids.  Details here – (B*tch Better Have My Money, Pay Me What You Owe Me

So I planned in my head to use this as a bargaining chip in my conversation with E. In my mind, I honestly thought I would have to convince him to ‘let’ me move with the kids. Just based on his previous reactions to, well to anything in life and how difficult he is with everything I guess I prematurely assumed this would also be a fight. So in my mind, I prepared a bargaining chip before I even called E to tell/ask him about the move. Old habits die hard.

My lawyer had advised me that if I had a verbal agreement between myself and E, then I could move the kids to Kelowna with no issues/court involvement, and that’s what I was aiming for. If E did have an issue with it however, it could move to me having to file some sort of order to move, which would lead to more delays and just aggravation in general.

So I decided that if he was going to make it difficult, I was honest to whatever God going to offer him all his section 7 expenses in return for the move. The thing is, I know money is more valuable to E than time with the children, so I was quite confident that that play on my part would work if necessary. Turns out though, that E surprised even me!

When I called, I started off the conversation asking why he was still delaying the Section 7 part. Because it was my understanding that we both just wanted to put this whole divorce behind us, I mean we’re in the fourth year for goodness sake. That’s when he shocked me by saying he had just emailed his lawyer that morning saying he agreed to everything, and to wrap it up.

I was shook (I never use that word, but I was beyond shocked and it seems fitting) First, there goes my ace card, not that it looked like I would need it, but secondly and more importantly, the end to this ridiculous farce of a marriage seemed in sight! But because E is E, and I can no longer believe a single word that passed through his lips, I asked him to forward me the email that he sent to his lawyer… just to make sure. I stalled on the phone while I waited for the email to come through, and then sure enough there it was. Plain as day. E agreeing to pay out all the thousands of dollars he owes me. In writing.

So that was good.

But now how do I explain Kelowna with no leverage?

So I just started in. I lead with the fact that my work was considering relocating (not a lie) and so I might have to move with the kids to BC, and how did he feel about it? I also explained that I would consider paying half of either his flights or bussing for when/if he came to visit the kids so he understood that I wasn’t trying to move to ‘take them from him’. But he was uncharacteristically very understanding. He said if it’s for work than it’s ok.

I didn’t believe him. Probably because I’ve learned my lesson with E, and I know I can’t take ANYTHING he says at face value. So I asked him repeatedly if he had any questions or concerns. He said no. So I tried again, wanting to know if he had ANY issues with me moving our children further away from him? He said no.

So I figured I should just take that answer and run with it, before anything changed… because with E there is always change.

I got off the phone and emailed my lawyer and let him know that I had a verbal agreement from E in regards to the move. I also forwarded E’s email to his lawyer, to my lawyer (make sense?), so y lawyer could move forward with finalizing everything. I feel like I say that a lot, but while dealing with E, there’s a lot of back and forth, so at least  now I had a “paper trail” so to speak.  I also confirmed with my boss that E would not be an issue with the move and we could continue with our plans.

So things were a go….

Until not more than 6 hours later I get this.

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E’s message

I KNEW in that time (well I didn’t know but I STRONGLY felt) that E had probably contacted his lawyer and now was fishing for more information.  Now don’t get it twisted, I’ve told E where I work, multiple times, since his memory is terrible. But I didn’t want to tell him in this moment in case it wrecked things for me. So I tried calling him, and he ignored me calls, even though I could see he was online (SO FRUSTRATING).

Once I finally got a hold of him, and asked him why he wanted to know, his first response? “It has nothing to do with the case” So I knew immediately that it had everything to do with the “case” and therefore my suspicions were confirmed. I asked him what it mattered to him, and reminded him that I’d told him before, so it’s nothing I”m hiding. So on the phone I asked AGAIN, if he was ok with me, and therefore the kids moving. He once again said yes.

So I again said ok, and said my good byes, also that I would try to call with the kids on the weekend.

Now I’ve gotten my updated letter of settlement and my lawyer but a small “clause’ in there if you will about how despite everything previously agreed upon, E agrees to ‘let’ me move to Kelowna with the kids and I’ll give him access to the kids while there.

I’m hoping this settles things.

But if I’ve learned anything with E… expect the unexpected and never trust anything he says.


-Demi Lovato/Sorry Not Sorry-

Because A Thankful Heart Is A Happy Heart I’m Glad For What I Have, That’s An Easy Way To Start

Ah ‘Thanksgiving.’

This year dinner was at my parents house as per usual. My mom invited my sisters and their spouses/kids, plus my aunt who lives in town here with her family. Then my one great-aunt was also invited. Then, because apparently that’s not stressful enough for my mom, she invited a few other people that she knew were newer to town and most likely had nowhere else to go. And last and very least, my Grandpa showed up.

I’m not a fan of dinners with my family in the normal every day, apart from the fact that my mom is an excellent cook, a trait I definitely did not inherit.  But the actual family time? Not my favorite. So imagine the lack of excitement I had leading up to this “event”

My mom and my sister R don’t get along. My Aunt and my Dad don’t like each other, thanks to a previous business venture gone bad . My brother-in-law D can only stand being around my family for max like 4 hours before stressing out because we are a loud rambunctious bunch (can you believe I’m the quiet one outta the bunch? Yeah you probably can). There’s 6 kids between the ages of 4-11 running around. And to top it off, I’m avoiding my Grandpa at all costs. So you can imagine the thoughtfulness that had to go into the seating arrangements lol.

But even more than that, I realized that my family really doesn’t give two shits about being thankful. There was no going around the table saying the things we were thankful for, even after I suggested it. Twice. TWICE.

I feel like I need to remind you guys that the majority of the group that was present are “bible believing Christians” with 2 of them even being Pastors. In fact apart from myself (and my kids), my sister N and her husband D, and my Grandpa (Duh)… the rest of the people at dinner attend church on the regular.  And that in and of itself makes me more confident of the decision I made to stop attending church this past summer.

I’m in no way saying that Christianity and people who claim to be Christians are the same thing. Because they aren’t. The people who attend the church and claim to be Christians are just that. People. They are humans who make LOTS of mistakes. Just like you and me (in the mistake making way, not necessarily the claiming to believe in Jesus same way). But if they really believe what they say they believe, they would be making a continual effort to correct those behaviors as well as being “more like Christ.’

But being Christian isn’t claiming to be perfect. I get that.

But I think sometimes Christians forget that.

Which is part of why I made my decision to stop attending church a couple of months ago. I completely understand that it is not my place to judge, and please know that I’m not placing judgement right now. What I’m making is an observation that I used to make informed decisions for me in my life choices. Previously when I was at any type of church function, whether it was my own church or a different one, I felt the people I met presented an aura of “upityness” if that’s even a word. It’s not. I know that.

But it’s like they always felt like they were better than others. Or they had no issues in their personal life. And for years that has always bothered me. Because I know that that’s not possible. I know that everyone has problems at home or school or work or whatever. I know that marriages go through rocky times. I know that not all of your kids can be straight A students (well they can but it’s not likely), I know that not everyone makes enough money to cover basic bills. Among everything else human have thrown at them in life.

So how is it that nothing was ever wrong for them? Now when I say they seem good all the time, I’m not talking about the ‘joy of the Lord’ or peace or something. I’m saying that there was a fakeness to most individuals I dealt with. I should remind you guys, that I attended church pretty much every Sunday (except while in Kenya, when it was sporatic) of my life, until just this year, and this feeling still stands. This wasn’t a once or twice feeling. This was growing up in it, being immersed in it. Then being able to compare it to the world, and realizing that it’s almost like the Christians I’ve met are always trying to put on airs.

It’s like if their life doesn’t seem perfect, who would believe in, well like I said before, the “joy of the Lord’ or the fruits of the spirit, or even just their God in general?  And if they don’t seem happy enough, then the advice they get from the Pastor or even their other Christian friends while seeking help, is to pray more, or believe harder. So they act like everything is good, so their ‘faith’ seems strong. Seems stressful to me.

On the other hand. to be fair, I have met some Christians who seem very genuine and happy in their religion relationship with God, although few and far between. But to be fair I’ve also met some ‘non-believers’ who are also very genuine and at peace without that same faith.

So there’s that.

But heading back to the start of this VERY off topic rabbit trail, I’d like to tell someone what I’m thankful for, since I haven’t been asked this whole season. I did ask my kids what they were thankful for, but once they were done the doorbell rang, so I didn’t get a chance to say mine. So without further ado,

  • Little E, even with his growing attitude that I’m not sure how to handle, this boy is the smarted, kindest, most handsome little thing I’ve been blessed with. He challenges me with his intellect and we have in-depth conversations that allow me to pass along my knowledge to another human that trusts me completely. This power has caused me to really question what I believe and what do I really know, and what I want other humans to believe. And for that, I can never repay him.
  • Z, oh Z. This bundle of joy is always smiling and dancing and still comes and cuddles me in the morning which I need so much. Most days she’s my only hug and kiss and I’m a very big touchy feely person, so I’m so grateful for her for getting me through this time, and many more to come I’m sure.

You know, I was gonna continue on with the whole friends, job, house thing, but I think I’ll stop there instead.

They are what I’m truly thankful for.


 

-VeggieTales/The Thankfulness Song-

 

 

That Means I Don’t Fuck With You I’m A Boss, You A Worker Bitch I Make Bloody Moves

True friends are few and far between.

When I was at my last job, where I worked for almost 2 years, many of my co-workers/friends would constantly complain about the job yet never do anything about it. I myself enjoyed the actual position I held, but it was all the overtime and the workload that became too much and eventually lead me to look elsewhere. But so many of those people would constantly say they were thinking of looking for another job or just continualy complain about how much they hated coming to work.

I often outright told them, if you hate it so much, why don’t you find something else? That’s how I deal with things… if something’s not good, then change it, seems pretty simple right? Well the people who complained the most are the ones who are still at the same company.

When I got my now current job in Feb of this year, my old co-workers would still invite me out for our monthly lunches and we would chat on the phone, or like each others pics on Instagram/Facebook, anything just to keep in touch. But now, since things have taken a turn for the better with my new company, people I used to call friends are no longer answering my phone calls or even returning text messages.

I’m not talking one person in particular, I’m talking the majority of people. In fact the only 2 girls I still talk to from that company, both quit within 3 weeks of myself and are also working at new jobs. (Yeah, I took all the good ones out with me lol) Although it’s not for lack of trying. I’m always calling, leaving voicemails (since no one answers) just checking up on people. Sending texts to see how they’re doing. I’ve even resorted to sending memes every once in a while to a few of them… but the responses are fewer and farther between. Until lately, it’s been practically nothing.

It’s like people can’t stand to see others become more successful than themselves, although no one is forcing them to stay where they are. I would be thrilled to help them find new jobs if they asked or support them in any way they needed if they choose to move on. Heck, I will still support them in the fact that they choose to stay where they are, but that doesn’t mean they need to be jealous or cut ties with me because I stepped out and made the move most of them were possibly to scared too or not in a position to make.

But in hind sight, maybe it’s for the best, that I”m no longer invited out for lunches or drinks on Friday nights. Do I really want fake friends (I sound like 45 “fake news”) who don’t truly support me, so their having to put on an act while we’re together?

I’d rather have a smaller group of true friends that hundreds of fake ones. Because I know that I’m a good friend. I know that I call and check up on people. I know that my friends successes are a good thing to be celebrated. I get happy when I see my friends happy. And I think it’s only fair I surround myself with like-minded individuals.

And if I only find a handful of them, so be it.


-Cardi B/Bodak Yellow-

You’ve Got To Know When To Hold ‘Em Know When To Fold ‘Em Know When To Walk Away And Know When To Run

So the house deal fell through. Which for me, isn’t the worst thing. Once we got our hands on the Condo documents, we noticed that there was no reserve fund AT ALL. So instead of the board planning in advance for things that will eventually need to be replaced, and accruing the money for it through strata/condo fees, apparently if for example all the roofs in the complex needed to be replaced (like they did 2 years ago) they would in essence do a big cash call at that time. Making all the owners cough up an additional however much per month to “raise’ the money and then make the repairs. We talked to one owner who said in the last 4 years they’ve paid close to an additional $60,000.00 on extra fees to cover renovation expenses,on top of the monthly strata/condo fees.

No thanks. I’m not moving into a place that has no idea how to plan in advance. Plus who knows how much else could go wrong in the next however many years that I could potentially have to contribute towards. I’m not interested.

Which is fine with me. Because I didn’t have my heart set on this house in the first place. Would it have been doable? Of course. A few coats of paint and some updated lights and it would’ve been fine. But now that it’s out of the picture I feel no sense of loss. In fact I even emailed my real estate agent this morning after I heard the news to see how the original one that I DO love is doing. He says the offer is still pending and it looks strong so that sucks, but he said he would keep an eye on it for me.

I guess the age-old saying still stands.

It ain’t over til it’s over. But man I just want it to be over.


-Kenny Rogers/The Gambler-

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-

I Got Just One Life In A World That Keeps On Pushin’ Me Around But I’ll Stand My Ground

My Grandpa has been calling.

I haven’t answer the phone because, well because I didn’t want to talk to him. He first left a voicemail maybe 2 weeks ago now.

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But this morning when my phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. Turns out, he had got in touch with his friend and had managed to get his hands on a ‘package’ for me.

I guess he’s coming down this weekend for Thanksgiving but he was worried about how he was going to get it on the plane (good call). So he wanted to get my address from me.

I could tell he’d either been thinking it through or he’s done this before, because he was explaining how his post office has special packages he can use to wrap it and he’ll use a fake return address, all this detail. So I’m leaning towards this not being his first time doing  something along these lines.

He also said this one’s on him, and all I could think was it’s the least he could do. Well that and not expect me to offer to roll one with him… Ever.

That being said. I’ve been waffling back and forth between telling my sister R about what happened with my Grandpa. I don’t want to make a big deal about it for my sake, but I want to make her aware of it for her kids safety. I have 4 nieces, and I would be horrified if something happened to them that I could have prevented by letting R know. But on the other hand I don’t want to cause issues if this was a one-off situation… like I think to myself how far would he really go? My nieces are YOUNG!?!

So for now, I’m not officially decided, but since there’s been no talk of my nieces visiting him any time soon, I at least have some time to make the decision. Although if I find out my sister is considering sending them there for a visit without other adult supervision… like next summer for a vacation or something, then 100% I’m telling her.


-Tom Petty/I Won’t Back Down-

What A Revelation It Was To Her, When She Realized That She Didn’t Need To Settle

So this Kelowna thing.

It’s affecting me deeper than I expected. My boss is trying so hard to find a way to make it work for everyone, but right now, the focus is on myself, mainly because of the financial aspect. Sure soon I’ll have to deal with the whole E/visitation part but that’s an entirely different ball game.

As it is right now, I am the sole owner of my house. No co-signer. No renting. I own it. Which on its own is something to be proud of considering a few years ago I was flying back from Kenya with a negative bank balance and embarking on a journey to becoming a single parent. So looking at it in that light, I’ve come a long way.

Just apparently not far enough.

I love my house, and I’m proud of it. It suits my family’s needs perfectly and I couldn’t have found something better if I had looked for years! One of the best aspects of my place? Is the fact that it’s not a mobile home.

I realize that I’ll probably sound arrogant and uppity during this post, but why should this post differ from any other in me just saying what I’m thinking?

I’ve worked HARD to get myself and my kids to where we are now, and although we don’t live in a million dollar house, we don’t live in a trailer park, and never have. Which is something I can say that, yes, I am proud of when I truly think of it. Which is why this Kelowna thing is messing with me.

It is DAMN expensive there. At least comparatively to where I am now. To purchase accommodations similar to what I have now, would run me $400,000-$475,000 deep. And let’s be honest, I just don’t have that kind of cash lying around. The money I do have? Enough for a mobile home in that area.

My boss is trying to make this move feasible for all of us in the office like I said. So he’s throwing out options like helping with the down payment or the company buying the place I choose, and then us arranging a lease to own type thing. But even with those options, there is a price cap, which would only put me in the “upper end” mobile homes (if that’s even a thing), or a really crappy/shady neighbourhood.

K, I totally appreciate the offer. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything. But this has gotten me so emotional.

I feel like I’ve worked so hard to get my family and myself where we are, that to me, moving until a mobile home would be a step back. I completely understand it’s probably because of the whole stigma with a trailer park etc, but why should I accept anything but the best for us? I’m not being forced into this move. I shouldn’t have to go unless I feel anything less than 100% about it right?

Sure. Except, my boss has made it clear that if I don’t go, the company doesn’t relocate.He doesn’t want to mess up the operations of the company and how smoothly it’s running now. So, no me? No move.  Which means that the house my boss and his wife have already contacted a Real Estate agent about? And are ready to put in an offer for? Gone. And I mean he is ready! I’ve been hearing him on the phone with his bank talking mortgages and down payments etc. It also means all the research my co-workers been doing on which new schools are best, day care costs, getting her husband on board even though HE doesn’t have a guaranteed job there once they move, will be for nothing.

All because I don’t want to live in a trailer park.

It’s not just the whole stigma of a trailer park though. It’s the whole mobile home. I like having an entirely empty floor between myself and the kids sometimes while they play in the basement and I’m ALL THE WAY upstairs in my room, as opposed to LITERALLY 2 feet away. I like that thick sound proof walls I have, and the nicely insulated walls, for both summer and winter. I like the full-sized hallways and space just for the sake of space. I like my foundation.

I also like the fact that I paid for it on my own. It’s been embarrassing at work to be the only person in this situation. Discussing finances with your boss is not the most comfortable thing. And it feels SUPER uncomfortable to just be expected to accept an offer for a house upgrade basically? It’s just yet another situation there’s no manual or How To book for. How many people, if asked the question has your company ever offered to buy you a house? Could genuinely say yes?

So maybe that’s why I’m so conflicted. Maybe this is way to good to be true. Maybe beggars can’t be choosers. Maybe Kharma does exist.


-Amy Rubin-

She Needs Wide Open Spaces Room To Make Her Big Mistakes She Needs New Faces She Knows The High Stakes

I know it’s been a week+ since I posted. I’ve been going back and working on editing my previous posts like I mentioned before.

But I had to write about today because again, I’ve been seriously asked by an employer if I would consider moving to Kelowna.

The first time was when I was 20, and I was working as a Nanny for this wonderful family. At this point I’d been their Nanny for around two years. They were good bosses and we got along well. Because of a new direction in the dads job, they were planning on moving to Kelowna. The mom would often show me houses they were looking at, and when they finally decided on a beautiful house, she explained in great detail all the fantastic stuff it came with. Starting with it being in a gated community, steps away from the lake… and it had a pool house in the back. And then she paused. I’m there waiting for more… like yeah ok?? Then she explained how they had taken into consideration me possibly moving with them when they were buying the house and if I were to come I would have my own little house in the back. So would I like to move to a new province with them?

Wow. I know I’m a good employee, but I did not see this coming. Up until that point, since I was working two jobs, I had just figured I would pick up more shifts at the restaurant for now until I figured out my next move. I asked her if I could have some time to think about it, and she said for sure and that was that.

I went home and thought about my life here and how at the time I was dating E, and I actually 100% truth, used him as my reason to stay. Well that and deep down I felt that if I moved with them now, I would feel obligated to be their Nanny forever. And I did not want to be a 40 year old Nanny. So after a couple days I told my boss that I was truly grateful for the offer, but I didn’t feel like I was ready to leave my life here, and that E and I were getting really serious so I didn’t want to jeopardize that.

Fast forward to today, and my current boss A asks me to step outside and brings up the possibility of us relocating to Kelowna if we are all on board with the idea. Like I said before, I work in a small office, where there are currently just the 3 of us actually in the office. We recruit people from all over Canada to work in remote areas up north, and most of the work is done over the phone/email. We don’t really have the guys we hire in office for anything so we can pretty much be based out of whatever city we want. And weather wise, Kelowna would be MUCH better than where I currently am, as well as so many other positives.

As far as attachments to my current city… I don’t have many. I’m easy going and as you know I’ve moved country’s before so a relocation to another province seems like a drop in the bucket to me. I mean at least we’d still be in Canada.

I mentioned it to my parents, and my mom felt like it would be good, although she told me she cried after the phone call, which I totally get. It was hard on them when I upped and moved to Africa with their grandkids. My dad straight up told me that he didn’t like it and I shouldn’t do it. Unless I was 30 years invested into the job and my pension was hinged on it, I should just get another job here in the city.

But the thing is, I really have no attachment to where I live. I hate the winters. I don’t like the big city feel. Among so many other factors.

So to be given the opportunity to move to a warmer, smaller town, where I have family already, AND have a job there? Why wouldn’t I jump at that?

Plus at this point having been asked by 3 different people (two bosses and also when K asked if I would consider living there) to move to the same city, kinda seems like maybe I should start listening to the hints the world is trying to send my way.

So for now, it’s just an idea that’s floating around the office, but maybe this is the big move number 3 that the psychic/palm reader was talking about lol.


-Dixie Chicks/Wide Open Spaces-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog 😎.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-