We Coming From A Long Bloodline Of Trauma We Raised By Our Mamas, Lord We Gotta Heal

I’m here, and alive.

I truly have nothing of value to say in this post, I just have the urge to write. I know it’s been a while and so here I am.

Many things have happened in my life since my last post. Little E turned 9 last week, and Z’s birthday is also coming up this Thursday. She’ll be 6. E didn’t even call on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday, I had to remind him the other day that he missed it and then he finally called to wish a happy birthday. Who forgets their own child’s birthday? Obviously my ex does. Every time he does hurtful things like this I’m ashamed at my own choice of a partner in life. I chose that man. I must’ve been so broken at that point to have made the actual decision that he would be the best thing to join with moving forward. And all I can do now is forever work at filling the holes I created in my own children by choosing E as a father. I have to be double for them. And that’s no ones fault but mine. I made that idiotic choice, and I’m the only one who’s got any sense at this point to realize the damage he’s caused/causing, so I have to so my best to keep them whole, even with this gaping figure missing in their life. But the show goes on.

My sister N and her little family came and spent the week with us for their summer vacation last week. It’s weird being the vacation destination for others. I mean it was fun, we pretty much spent the majority of the time at the beach just doing nothing, as a proper holiday should be. But as it is with other people in your house, sleeping arrangements get all mixed up and her daughter had only just turned one so there were a few crying sessions throughout the night. But all in all it was a good trip.

Since this post has somehow turned into a little bit of odds and ends, I guess I throw in this short story.

I took my kayak out on the lake for the first (and only if I’m honest) time a few weeks ago. Now when I first bought it, I had grand dreams of going out all the time. I don’t know why. I literally had done it once before out on the ocean when I was 15/16 and just remembered it was really relaxing, so why not attempt to recreate that atmosphere? Well, for starters I ordered my kayak online through Canadian Tire since I’d been looking since last summer and finally in April they had a 30% off sale, so I ordered online. I did all my research and read all the reviews etc and found what I thought would be the best one. I needed it to be delivered since it wouldn’t fit in my car and I don’t have a roof rack or anything, and my plan was that once it was at my house, I can just carry it down to the lake. It was only 50lbs and my logic was if Z if 60lbs and I and carry her and Little E who’s 80lbs ok, then this should be fine. Well. First, Canadian Tire’s ‘delivery program’ is ridiculous. After so many calls back and forth with them, it took close to 5 weeks from the date I ordered until the date I got it delivered. Then, it turns out to just be some dude in his mini-van. I happened to be getting home from work right as he drove in, and we started talking, and he said he just got the call that day to do the delivery. But the people I was talking one the phone with told me multiple times that there were no availability for the past 4-5 weeks to get anything to my house. I’m like common I don’t live out in the boonies! The guy says he could have done it like any day in the past month and that he’s their normal guy, they just didn’t ask him. I was pissed.

Anyways, my kayak story wasn’t going to be about the purchase and delivery, that’s just extra for you because you’re special and I think you’re cute and needed a tip about Canadian Tire’s crappy delivery.

My ACTUAL story, was when I finally got it into the lake. I had Little E help me carry it to the lake, because even though it advertised being 50lbs, it’s an awkward 50lbs. It doesn’t wrap it’s arms and legs around you when you go to carry it. It’s 10 feet long and too wide to grasp across. So Little E helped me get it to the water. And off I went.

Great. Fun. Beautiful. I was having the time of my life so far from the shore, until I actually LOOKED DOWN INTO THE DEEP BLACK ABYSS OF THE WATER BELOW, and remembered my crippling fear. The fear of not knowing what was below me. The fear that some massive fish (go ahead and laugh) would come and tip the boat and I wouldn’t even see it coming because I couldn’t even see it coming.  The fear that a huge wave would come and rock the kayak and I would flip and a combination of drowning and being eaten alive by a bunch of unknown lake creatures would kill me.

Needless to say, I had to take more than a few moments to compose myself. I took a few deep calming breaths, then I steadied the kayak and turned it to head closer to shore, not realizing in my previous enjoyment that I had practically rowed out into the middle of the lake. I forced myself to stay out on the water for another half and hour, rowing at the point where I could see the lake bottom on one side of the kayak, and the other side was black, like it dropped off right below me. I listened to my music, and even took a few pictures to remember this moment.

Basically I needed to know for myself that, even though I don’t have many fears that I struggle with on a day to day basis, the fears I have are deep, and I can eventually overcome them. Did I overcome it that day? Well, probably not considering I haven’t been back out on the kayak yet. But on the other hand, I haven’t put the kayak up for sale so it’s not a lost cause lol.

I’ll go out again. It was beautiful and initially calming. But who says I can’t just say I did it once and use that as my victory for  life?

Me. Because I know that nagging feeling is still within me. That I’m letting something hold me back from enjoying something. Yes, I still go swimming in the lake all the time with the kids. But only in the clear water where I can see the bottom. Where it’s fish/seaweed free.

Just like us all, I’m a work in progress.


-J. Cole / Middle Child-

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Shadows From My Past Life Is Real / So Real Sleeping Is My Leisure Waking Up In A Minefield Dream Is just A Pleasure Dome

I haven’t been writing.

How do I go from my last post to…. Little E joined soccer, or something else that seems so trivial now? Life is simultaneously seeming more pointless as the days go one, as well as revealing a wealth of information if I’m paying attention, which sometimes I refuse to, since the knowledge it reveals only makes living more confusing and…. pointless. Thus the infinite loop I seem to be stuck in.

I see how everything I do or have done in the past is influencing each moment in my present. I don’t mean something like “oh I spent my last twenty yesterday so now I’m broke”

I mean that each and every word I’ve said, or movement I’ve made or comment said to me is now literally fitting together in a puzzle that was my life. I can tangible see the moments of my past come together when the moment is suitable and I recognize why each thing in my past took place to mold me the way I am today… good or bad. Every breath reverberates out and the air flows to create things that take place I see now, but they take place tomorrow. Or I recognize small memories coming together to physically form situations large situations happen now. I can’t explain it well, but it’s like it happens in waves.

Even in my “sleep” a team I use loosely since I don’t feel like I’m even sleeping anymore. My dreams are constant all night. Vivid recollections of mine and K’s past melding together. Reconciling. And I find I jolt awake through the night when either harm comes to me in my “dream/sleep” or we come to a disagreement on how our life should proceed in that level of consciousness together. And I feel the same amount of rest that I used to get before this journey started, what like 2 years ago now? But now I’m more aware of the life my soul is living in my unconsciousness while I “sleep”.

Maybe I’ve been living that life with K since my soul journeyed into this world. Maybe this world here is just a fun thing for our souls to do in our spare time in the unconsciousness over there? Maybe that’s why we have this connection that we never knew possible or planned on or whatever. But maybe this perception is just a break from another larger perception?

Anyways, while I sleep, everything in my life as C has been reconciling. Fixing hurts and healing pains that have occurred since me as C was born. And it has been hard and I’ve been crying a lot as suppressed memories and fears have arisen as I jolt awake. But it’s also been very healing. Knowing more about why I am the way I am. How I got to be this way etc.

The main thing I have scaring me now, for a lack of better word, is the fact that my memories and dreams are now pretty much done, and now my dreams are so close to mimicking current life. Like last night it was just last summer and living in my parents house before the move out here, and how I felt being around my mom and why that caused me to feel and K visiting for Christmas and his pain with that etc. But my fear is, what happened when I’ve worked through everything?  What happens when my unconscious/subconscious catches up to my life/consciousness? What happens when there’s no more division between sleep and awake. Do I just live a day, then sleep the whole day on repeat??? If that even makes sense?  I guess saying it like that isn’t really a big deal, but it does bring up thoughts of death. I always thought when you die, it’d be as serene as sleep used to be for me. Just a vast nothingness… Like the best forever nap. But now that my sleep is not even sleep…. Is death even death?

I mean at this point, is life even life?

Everything has changed for me.

And I’m not sure what to believe or perceive anymore. All I know is that so far, I’m proud of my asleep C self. I can tell she’d making decisions my awake conscious self would be proud of. Choosing love, truth, and hope in all the situations she can. Although last night she road a motorcycle like a badass for fun (no harm in that) and ended up getting shot in the leg by someone… which is why I definitely know these memories/situations are not all mine lol. Anyways that made me wake up with pain shooting down my leg, that’s how life-like this has become.

So like I said… If there’s no “sleep” what is even real anymore?

But yeah… Little E loves soccer 🙂


-Queen/Life Is  Real-

Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely Is This The Feeling I Need To Walk With?

So I’ve been living here in Kelowna for 7 months. Plenty of time to get nice and settled and make  massive amounts of new friends and join plenty of clubs, classes,  activities what have you.

As much as I feel at home in my house, and actually enjoy the town as a whole, basically because of the views, I’m not really thrilled with the choice I made to move, since it’s been leading me to some weird… stuff.

It’s a catch 22 at the moment. My kids are overall so much happier, and because of that, I am confident that I made the right decision in relocating. Their school is superb and they have made good friends. The daycare is crap, but there really aren’t too many other options for someone in my position to change that right now so it will have to do. I find the school incorporates so many more activities into the children’s day which is something I just don’t have the energy to do. They’ve had people in to teach them about inline skating, parkour, indigenous people, petting zoo tours, gone ice skating, hiking in the mountains, tobogganing, and have swimming planned for the upcoming weeks. That’s for both Little E and Z’s classes, getting to do all those things within the last few months of school. I feel like it helps lift the burden off of me feeling like I need to get out often with the kids to give them those experiences when they are having them at school and enjoying them with friends.

My family here in town has been good too. We’ve gotten together a few times for dinner or going out for walks and visits. My uncle even took the kids for supper last Saturday then to an arcade just to give me a break for a few hours.

It was weird. I didn’t know what to do with myself while they were gone since to be honest normally I would go to sleep but I had to stay up wait for them to get dropped off back home. So of course all I could do was think about how lame my life had become when it’s completely obsessed with taking care of my children. So here I am. Home alone at night for the first time since we moved here 7 months ago, and I had nothing to do. It was pathetic.

I had no friends to call.

No hobbies to turn to.

Nothing off the top of my head that would be fun for me to do.

So I made myself supper and then spent close to an hour trying to find something to watch on prime video since I had recently cancelled Netflix to save money. Then once I finally decided on a show, ended up just scrolling through Instagram while the show played until the kids came home around 9.

It was the most pathetic night off ever. Don’t worry you can judge me, I know it was bad.

And all the thoughts I was trying to avoid all night was how lame and lazy it was. How lame I was. How I’d been living here 7 months and hadn’t made any friends that I could call and chat with. How I’d been here this long and I am still so alone. Which of course moved into how I should stop having conversations with myself because I refuse to think I’m crazy. Since my kids already have one parent with mental health issues, they don’t need a second locked up in the psych ward. So keep it together C. Don’t become like E.

But to be honest…

How does a person know if they are not crazy? (This is where my alone thoughts take me lately… this and where did the universe start, which isn’t any more helpful) Sure I function in my day-to-day life perfectly fine. I get my kids up and out the door to school on time. I perform all my duties at work without any issue. I’m 100% aware of what’s going on around me…. I think. But that’s the issue. What if I’m missing out on something, and I’m not aware of it. How would I know?

I think about that a lot. Do people with mental health issues know they have them? Or to put it simply and very politically incorrectly, do crazy people know they are crazy?

Especially someone in my position. I don’t have any friends to talk to, or to tell me I”m acting differently lately, so how would I know?

Because to be frank, I feel crazy sometimes. I feel like there is stuff going on in my mind that I cannot stop or understand or explain, and that I did not put there. But how do I know if that’s normal or not normal? How can I explain if this is how it’s supposed to be, and something everyone is probably experiencing, or if I’m the one-off? Because some of the thoughts are so far out there, it’s not something you can bring up in casual conversation with someone new you meet at the coffee shop (not that that ever happens anyways). But I want to have deep conversation about deep things that I have going through my mind and thoughts, but to be honest, I’m worried and scared that if I shared them with your average joe, they’d give me the side eye and maybe call me in to have a welfare check done on my kids. I’d never harm my kids. Trust me. I’m doing everything I can to be the best mother I can. But it’s something deeper and more powerful than that that I’m trying to overcome and I don’t know how. I don’t think anyone knows how. SO who is there to talk to if it’s an issue no one has dealt with before?

Yes it’s most likely all the spare time that is leading me to this pattern of thought, but is it  good or bad? Am I discovering something that’s never been discovered before? Or am I going crazy and I just have no one around to tell me.

I guess no one will know. Since its indescribable. And if I can’t describe my problem, no one can understand it, let alone solve it. Not even me.

You see my problem.

Definitely too much alone time to come up with this problem in the first place.

But it makes you think.


-Backstreet Boys / Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely-

I Put My Feelings On Safety So I Don’t Go Shootin’ Where Your Heart Be

Those phone calls threw me for a major loop.

I’ve been doing my best in moving on from K. Settling in here in Kelowna, trying to forget. But those calls brought back all the memories I was trying to put behind me. All the pain and feelings of not being good enough. So I needed a distraction.

And therefore obviously did the stupidest thing I could have, but I called up a one nighter again.  Of course he swung by Saturday night with drinks and I did what I always do when I’m trying to avoid life, we fucked. But mid-thrust, I started crying. No joke you guys.

I started crying because this guy wasn’t K. And even worse than that, I started crying because I really truly understood in that moment that K was never coming.

K is never going to come sweep me off my feet.

K is never going to fulfill any of his promises he made to me to love me.

K is not the man I thought he was.

K can’t love me how I thought he would.

And so it hit me dead on while this dick was fucking me from behind, that I hated him. Both K and this random guy. I hated all of them. And I started bawling. So of course this guy was trying to console me because he’s obviously freaking out that the chick he’s banging is crying for no apparent reason, so he made the massive mistake of asking what was wrong? So then I just started pouring it out. ALLLL of it. Pour unfortunate soul.

Everything gushed out. How I loved this guy with everything I had, and he broke my heart and I feel I’m to broken to be loved now. And how I really honestly truly thought this guy would still keep his word and come through. For me. For my kids. For us. Because I thought he felt the same way. Because he told me he felt the same way. Because he showed me he felt the same way. So if he felt it so deeply for me, then how can he not be feeling similar to how I’ve been feeling? How can he not be hurting too? And if he was/is possibly hurting in the same way, and he knows the ball is in his court, why the fuck would he keep it there and not make a move towards making things better for both of us?

Because he must not have ever felt the same way about me.

So I need to stop imagining stupid scenarios in my head where he keeps his word.

No man has ever…… I dunno how to explain it. No man has ever just done what they said they were going to do? Stayed with me. Loved me. Been true to their word. Why should K be any different?

So I managed to stop crying enough for the random one nighter (that’s a lie, it was his second time… I had him over about 2 months ago, which is why I had his number) anyways, he’s all like, don’t think about him anymore, I’ll treat you good, etc etc. You know all the socially acceptable things you would say to a girl who broke down crying right in the throws of everything, juices dripping and all. So I just told him to wrap it up and head out the door.

I wasn’t then, nor do I think will I be anytime soon, in the mood for sex. He’s honestly been the second guy I’ve slept with here where all I could think about was K, and that’s not fair to them. I’ve never had this issue before.

In the past, I was able to just get all my sexual needs satisfied, and move on for the day. I was too good at it in fact. But now I just see K’s face, or I’m comparing tactics or, well just about everything they do, I’m comparing to how K would’ve done it. And it’s not good enough.

And I hate it.

Because I know he’s out there enjoying his life and I’m stuck here. In this emotional state that I never wanted to be in. That I tried avoiding SOOO many times, but he kept pushing me deeper and deeper into, and he’s not even here to catch me.

I hate him.

And myself. For FALLING too far in love. To a point I don’t know how to get out of.

Doesn’t help that T, the prison guy keeps calling and I feel like I enjoy the chats in general, but he keeps pushing for info on K/G, and how I know him etc but I just don’t wanna talk about him. I wanna just talk on the phone to someone about life. Life without K/G.


-Ella Mae/Trip-

 

I Always Hear People Complain About The Place That They Live That All The People Here Are Fake And They Got Nothin’ To Give ‘Cause They Been Starin’ At Somebody Else’s Version Of Shit That Makes Another City Seem More Excitin’ Than It Is

Since moving, I’ve realized how terribly and utterly alone I am.

I’ve been crying far too much. To the point that it’s begun to affect my day-to-day life.

For example, each time my phone makes a sound, for some pathetic reason I hope that maybe this time someone is calling to check on me to see how I’m doing, or how the move went. But no, normally it’s a bill notification or a text from my boss etc. I’m literally crying because I just feel like all the decisions in my life have led up to this… and I hate this.

I have no one to talk to about the deep stuff that’s been fucking with my mind for almost a year now.

***Pause, my boss just brought me a latte and cinnamon bun, so we had a little break. Yep, I’m typing this at work because I’m currently in total ‘fuck it’ mode, let’s just call it a lunch break***

I was going to say I think people around me are starting to realize how unhappy I seem, but I can’t talk about what’s actually bothering me, because I know it’s deeper than the regular everyday stuff that people deal with. I know it has a lot to do with moving here. I know it has a lot to do with certain people in my life, or more specifically them not in my life how I would prefer now. But when people ask how I’m doing, or if I’m okay, the only answer I know will suffice for the moment is “I’m good” because I’m really not interested in trying to explain what’s really going on. Although judging by the latte and snack plus a few other things people have been doing for me lately, I’m obviously not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.

Either my answer is not good enough, or my constant red puffy eyes aren’t fooling anyone. Oh well.

How would you explain it to people who are just living out there in the world that maybe our lives aren’t…. real? Nah, more like our lives are all just whatever we perceive. And if we choose to, we can literally perceive nothing.

Nothing at all.

Would you be ok with going back to whatever mundane life you are living now? Knowing, or not knowing, thinking, perceiving and basically imagining and forming yourself as you are? Realizing that all our thoughts are connected, and in that thought, that you can ‘think’ to another ‘body’?

That perhaps our bodies are just an outward perception of our thoughts. But they don’t really “exist” and therefore, nothing does. Nothing but the original “thought” that started thought? Or if you prefer to call it the universe? Or if you prefer to call it God? Or you may choose to call it your higher-self? Either way, once you have cleared all the debris from your mind, and reached, or found the initial “thought/moment/time/instance’ that started your souls journey, do you think it would be easy for you to come back to who you are in this present day, in the now, and act like your just ok with whatever’s happening?

I’m not. Like right now, I’m seriously just trying to focus on stopping all my thoughts. Literally I’m zoned in on ending all my perception. But at the same time (here’s where I lose most of you, if anyone is still reading) I know I’m not crazy.

I still function as normal. I’m still 100% in control of my thoughts. I can still choose when and where I go deep in my thoughts to find that “starting” point. And, weirder yet, in doing so, I know it has some influence on my universe. Because things around me are changing. I’ll think about things in my mind, and moments later, the radio personalities will discuss the same situations. Or, I’ll feel others thoughts if I allow myself to. If I want to think of my mom, I will. And I can, in my focused thoughts, suggest in my mind to her that she call me, and moments later she will.

Those are just a few circumstances that let me know I’m not crazy. They allow me to remember that it’s not all in my head. That I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. That I have my legitimate thoughts, and at the same time, I’m “interacting” if you will with others thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe I’ve been dealing with this for much longer then I’ve consciously known… Perhaps to the point that E’s mental illness might have been connected to me…. which is not my favorite thought, but if we all have this capability, then perhaps he just couldn’t control the thoughts of others that were in his head.

Maybe we all have this ability. Fuck it, we probably all have the ability to access it. But not everyone finds it. Doubtful that anyone previously has found it to this degree, or we’d have more information on the subject. So what now? Because it is so unbelievable, so fuckin scary at first, pushing through all the paranoia, and disbelief. But maybe our souls have been trying to reach out to us since the beginning of infinity but, as infinity grew, so did the distance between us and our initial thought, making it harder for us to potentially find “ourselves”.  We have been so bound to our bodies, and what we’ve known, that we are so unwilling to accept that perhaps there is more.

Perhaps we are all connected in a much deeper level.

Imagine if we all came from one thought.

Close your eyes and try to think of nothing.

Not the pressures of this world and everything external that we perceive.

Where does that take you?

I’ve found amazing indescribable things, to the point that all I can say is I feel no one is on my level, and I feel very, very lonely.

So if you ask me, I’ll lie right to your face and say I’m good.

Not because I’m good, but because how do you explain that ⇑⇑, before 9:00am?

Also, very important side note, most times, no matter how hard you try, you can’t convince someone to do something they just really don’t want to do. Especially if the thought is nowhere in their head to begin with 🙁  Everyones soul is on their own path, and sometimes, you just can’t change it.

Anyways, trust me I’m not crazy, my kids are safe and yes I’m totally living my day to day life as per usual.


-Drake/Emotionless-