Guess Who’s Back / Get Ready ‘Cause This Shit Is About To Get Heavy I Just Settled All My Lawsuits

Fall.

We’re back in the swing of things. We’re pretty much settled into our house now. I bought the last major things I needed for my place and fully maxed out my credit card,¬† but at least I have a desk to write at instead of the tv dinner stand that my computer was previously resting on.

Little E started grade 3 and Z started Kindergarten this year. Little E got the teacher he wanted based on his first 2 days at school so that’s exciting for him. His school did things different than I’ve been used to, in that they send the kids to the classrooms that they went to last year and then switch to the new rooms by Thurs/Fri depending. So for new students like Little E, who weren’t there last year it was confusing. But in the end he ended up getting the teacher he wanted so alls well that ends well. Z LOVES school, but she was made for rules and the classroom. I’m just hoping she doesn’t bother the teacher asking to help to much.

I had a seizure the night before the first day of school. So it took literally everything in me to get out of bed and get the kids to school on time. I had pissed the bed overnight and bit my tongue, lips and cheeks so hard that I was vomiting blood everywhere all morning. I ended up throwing out all my bedding because it wasn’t worth washing, it was so fucked up. I’d never thrown up so much blood before.

I had to get my shit together to get the kids together to get them to school…. because I’m the only one here to do it, and I didn’t want them to miss school on the first day because of me, so I had a quick shower to clean off all the bodily fluids and managed to throw on some sweats and get in the car, but I had to pull over on the way to school to puke up blood. Either way, I got them there in time. With lunches made and bags packed. Celebrate the small victories.

I did however forget to take pictures of them on their first day, so I took it the next day… we can’t all be winners.

My body is still sore from the seizure and it’s been what? 5 days? I’m having trouble talking properly, because my tongue is still swollen, it’s pretty hilarious to see me kinda drool. Plus I think I damaged a nerve because it’s so sensitive. If I could take some sort of miracle drug to stop this from happening again, I would give up a ear… or two fingers, maybe even the ability to smell as long as there was some sort of guarantee that I could be seizure free.

Anyways… enough about that, what else is new.

Technically, I found and joined a gym here. Officially though I haven’t gone. I just signed up last week and I’ve been too sore this week to work out. But for $10/ bi-weekly I don’t feel to bad. Oh and that includes unlimited tanning which will be nice in the winter-time ūüôā I’m sure the exercise will be nice too but lets keep it real lol.

The lake has been so nice. To be able to walk 50 yards away and have the beach is amazing. The kids swimming has improved like crazy, and it’s nice to go down there for a few hours and have them play and wear themselves out before bed.

Update on my divorce… Ok feel free to call me shady on this if you want, but just know that deep down I actually struggled over if I should tell E or not. So I got an email from my lawyer about 2, maybe 3 weeks ago saying he set a court date for Sept. Basically hes filing for a desk divorce asking for everything to be granted to me based on the fact that E’s an idiot (not his exact words obviously). Ok but here’s the shady part… bare with me it’s kinda confusing as it always is with E.

Before I moved, E’s last lawyer (the slimebag) quit because E’s very difficult to work with. Since then, no one knows if E has hired a new lawyer. Also, E is again currently being held in the psych ward back in Ottawa again (I don’t know why he insists on going to that one cross country). So, my lawyers last known address for E is my parents (which E has never changed from when we used to live there on and off when we’d stay with them on visits from Kenya years ago, either way it’s not his last address and he’s been asked MULTIPLE times by myself and my parents to change it, even worse he’s lied to us and said he has) ANYWAYS…. I saw that my lawyer cc’d E the court order by using my parents address, knowing full well that he wouldn’t receive it. Knowing that if he didn’t get the notice, then he wouldn’t attend court, not that he could anyways because he’s currently admitted. So, I told my mother this situation. She asked me what she should do if the package came in the mail for E. I told her if anything should come in the mail that wasn’t addressed to her just mark Return To Sender on it, and the lawyer can determine what to do.

You guys I know it’s shady. But I don’t want my parents to get involved in my divorce. I’ve mentioned to E multiple times over the phone that he should get a new lawyer, heck I even suggested that he use mine for convenience sake. But I’m not going to go so far as to blow my chance at getting my divorce 4.5 years after filing because I’m too nice.

I could be a single woman this time next week if the Judge hears it my way and E doesn’t send a lawyer to represent him. Damn, even if he does, the Judge might give me everything I want! But don’t worry, I’m not getting ahead of myself. I’ve learned after 4+ years to always expect the worst in this divorce.

Anyways, it’s good to be back. A lot has happened. I’m just tired, and sore. and look like shit, even more so than normal.

But it’s good to be back.


Eminem/Guess Who’s Back

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I Can’t Remember Anything, Can’t Tell If This Is True Or Dream

When I was 16, I woke up one morning at the hospital. The rush of cold air when the ambulances’ back door opened made me “come to” and I remember sitting up on the gurney and having the immense urge throw up. The paramedic gave me some¬†sort of¬†tray and the whole arrival emergency crew at the hospital had a front row view¬†of my vomit. I didn’t care. I didn’t care that I was in my pyjamas with no bra or underwear. I didn’t care that my makeup from the day before was most likely smudged all over my face, with the worst bed head possible. I didn’t know at the time, but if I had realized, I wouldn’t have cared that I had also urinated all over myself. All I knew, was that I had an INCREDIBLE headache, every muscle in my body hurt, even ones I didn’t know I¬†had at the time were sore, and that I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep. Forever if possible.

There was a huge bustle around me and multiple doctors¬†kept coming and going from¬†my room. I’m sure lots of tests and procedures were preformed, but I hardly remember any of them. At this point I still didn’t even know what happened to me, I was just trying to sleep.

My mom was at the hospital with me and I was discharged the same day I came in.¬†We¬†drove home and I quickly showered then slept straight through until the next day, when I finally felt a little more like myself. That’s when my family explained what had happened to me, at least as best as they could since the doctors had sent us home with few answers.

My little sister N had woken up to get ready for school and since I had my Biology diploma that day, she knew I wouldn’t be up at the same time as usual. While she was brushing her teeth, she heard some strange noises coming from my room, and came to check. That’s when my 12 year old sister walked in on me having my first (that we know of) Grand Mal seizure. She freaked out (rightfully so) and ran to get my mom who was still asleep. Once my mom¬†came down and saw me, she had an idea of what to do, since she had some experience working with special needs children who would often seize. She turned me on my side (so I didn’t swallow my tongue, which wasn’t as issue since it was clamped firmly between my teeth) and 911 was called.

Apparently the firefighters were the first to arrive¬†a couple¬†minutes later and according to my mother (who I assume is exaggerating) it took 4, VERY hot firefighters to hold me somewhat still and inject an anticonvulsant to try to control the seizure, which at this point had been going on for at least 15 minutes, plus however long before N heard me. Once the “very hot” firefighters got the seizure under control, the ambulance arrived and I was carted off the hospital.

My only memory of this whole thing? Going to sleep after reviewing for my diploma, and then puking when we arrived at the hospital. Followed by two days of a liquid diet because I had chewed up my tongue so badly, and a week of ridiculously stiff muscles throughout my entire body. I felt like I was gonna be buff just from that one seizure lol.

After that, my life consisted of doctor after doctor after doctor. Test after test. Years of this, each one saying the same thing… We don’t know whats causing your seizures, we can only attempt to control them. In the meantime, I’m continuing to seize, while the doctors try this medication and that medication. But of course there’s different side effects to each one. Sure, this one was depression, this one acne, then, as my luck would have it, the medication that works the best? Weight gain. Story of my life hey lol. Weight gain as well as trouble perspiring. WTF?¬†Something about the sweat glands being affected, I dunno I wasn’t paying attention all the time. Either way, now we’ve found a pill that will slow down the seizures, at the cost of my weight. Which I learned to be ok with, because hey, seizures kill and I’m lucky to be alive right. Besides, I can always work out and keep the weight off.

Wrong. Working out was ridiculous. I could hardly do anything I used to because I would overheat in 2 minutes. My body doesn’t sweat now because of the medication so I can’t cool down and every time I tried working out, I almost passed out instead. So, like I said, I’ve learned to be ok with my weight, because the alternative could be my life.

My mom tried so many other things to try to “cure” my epilepsy. I’ve done the chiropractor, acupuncture, some colonoscopy (no idea how that was supposed to help but my mom was trying) a naturopath, both in my city and the next one over in case he was better. We started going on a road trip once a month to that naturopath and my parents spent so much time and money on trying to solve my “medical mystery” but the biggest investment came when my mom found a specialist in the states she wanted me to try.

At this point I’m almost 20, living on my own, and my mom is still trying to make this go away. She found some clinic in Wisconsin or something like that, that had a new trial they were doing, and she thought it had potential. So she asked if I would fly to Chicago with her to try it out. I figured that, at this point, I would give it a shot, but I told my mom it would be the last experiment I would try in regards to my epilepsy. I had it reasonably under control with my meds and didn’t want it to consume my life by way of always trying to fix it. The meds for me, were solution enough, and I’d learned to live with it at this point.

My mom thought that was a fair deal, and booked our mom/daughter trip to Chicago.

Oh the Windy City. We were literally only there for 3 days. Most of which were spent in Milwaukee or something close by. But after all the test were done at the hospital, we did manage to go to the Blue Man group and the Chicago Art Institute (remember this trip was planned by my mom, so we indulged her fantasies) . Which I’ll always remember, because I saw some real life paintings that I had been studying in University and I felt real posh being able to recognize them ūüėā. But, the end result of our trip, were just the memories. Because the doctors there, just like in Canada, were unable to figure out my issue.

Maybe my mind is just too advanced for modern technology hahaha. Or maybe I’m just built wrong. Either way, I never ended up having to write my Biology diploma, so that’s one good thing I can take from all this! Although, I’m pretty sure I would’ve aced it.

Since then I’ve done more research and studies on my own. Trying to figure out my own solution to a problem I’ve had for over a dozen years.

I’m sure you will all have your own opinions on this and I expect nothing less, but I’m going to share anyways.

I’ve been¬†fairly interested in the whole field of medical marijuana for about 2-3 years now. I had never¬†tried smoking/eating/vaping weed/shatter/oil¬†in¬†any form¬†before, because I never felt any need. I could easily turn it down at any event. Same reason that I don’t drink much. I just don’t feel the desire to. But after reading through many studies about the benefits (and some about the harm) of marijuana for medical purposes, especially for people with epilepsy, I decided to try it out.

Looking back, I probably should’ve gone through a doctor first hand, instead of how I did it. But the end result would have been the same. I asked a friend that I knew smoked fairly often if I could have some from them. Mainly because I¬†wasn’t sure how to bring it up in casual conversation with an actual doctor. The friend was shocked I’d never done it before and took the time to explain a few of the basic details to me, before handing some over.

I did the responsible thing and waited until my kids were at my parents for the night, and then carefully followed the ‘instructions’ I had received, and for the first time in a dozen years, I went to bed without a headache, and woke up actually feeling refreshed.

It’s hard to explain when I’d been living so long with a headache that was about a 6/10 as far as pain/annoyance goes so it had become my new normal. I had no longer realized that I ALWAYS had a headache, until that night after smoking my first joint ever and the headache went away, that it was possible to live a better standard of life. That I didn’t have to suffer EVERY DAY any more.

It was an eye opener for sure.

I didn’t take part again right away, and slowly my headache returned, so one night I finished the joint I had been given and again woke up feeling amazing. Then I knew that there was definitely something to this marijuana as far as medical purposes.

Since this literal life changing discovery of mine (for me at least) I’ve made some adjustments to how I “medicate.”¬† I’ve been working with Dr. K (not my friend K lol, my actual natropath Dr. K) to get an actual prescription for myself, as well as moved more exclusively towards edibles to avoid the harm (and smell)¬†that smoking it can cause.

But man, just knowing that I have not had a single headache (or seizure) since starting, is actually unbelievable for myself. I’m smiling as I write at the relief of it all.


-Metallica/One-