My Mind Runs Wild To Comprehend What No Mind On Earth Could Understand

1,652 days from the day I got married and the day I decided to leave E. (Better than 72 days but still not impressive by any means)

1,762 days from the day I left and started this whole divorce process until yesterday, the day I got that email I thought would never come saying:

Divorce

In blue writing, emoji’s and all (yeah… millennials lol).  My divorce took 110 day longer than my entire marriage lasted.

Anyways, I was at work when the long awaited news, and I can honestly say I got overwhelmed. I experienced more emotion in that single moment then I did on my wedding day, or either day I gave birth. I had to leave work right away because I was tearing up so I sent a quick imessage to my boss and J saying I received a personal message and would be back in an hour, and left without waiting for a reply

I couldn’t even make it to my car. I, Me, C, stopped and had to sit in the stairwell to cry. Until this moment I thought people who did crap like that were just overly dramatic, like for real get your shit together. Until I couldn’t even form thoughts coherent enough to get one foot in front of the other and be confident I wouldn’t fall down the stairs. So I dropped. And sobbed. Until I heard the door above me open and thought my coworker or A had followed me out to make sure I was ok and so I rushed down the stairs to my car. Thankfully it was just another patron of the building, probably wondering what the hell was going on in the stairs lol. By the time I had gotten to my car, I had pulled myself together a bit and decided to drive down the block on the off chance anyone from work did walk out to check on me.

I parked a little ways away and the need to tell someone washed over me. It was like this was a milestone that needed to be observed and when that happens it should be noted by others, at least I thought so. So I called my mom. Wasn’t really my first choice, but it was my option in the moment. I asked if she was busy or if she had a moment to talk, and since I don’t call often ever during the day she said she was just leaving the neighbours house, but go ahead. So I let her know that my divorce was final and to be honest I can’t remember how she responded, since I was trying to suppress tears that were threatening to rise again.

She asked if she could tell the neighbour, who I grew up with and know very well, which I was fine with and she passed along the news, and then as she walked out the door she asked me how I felt about it.

Which I thought was weird. I kinda assumed everyone else would assume I would feel great about it, so the question would be unnecessary, and never asked of me. But when she asked, I realized, I didn’t feel great.

I felt like I had given up hope. I felt like this was something I’d resigned to the fact of never coming to fulfillment. I felt like E had won this forever since everything kept going his way even though his way was ridiculous. I felt like this battle had already been lost and why bother fighting anymore. So I had stopped a long time ago to preserve myself and my sanity.

And now to have it dropped in my lap…. A victory as such? I honestly didn’t know how to feel because I hadn’t prepared for it in anyway. I had only prepared for the opposite. In every way shape and form I had settled on the fact that this divorce was going to take the rest of my life and I would be stuck with E in this way forever. Caught in limbo, with each turn becoming a dead end. With each path I pursued leading me to more desolation. It no longer occurred to me that there could still be a finish line, let alone one that brought me such a decent outcome being sole custody and child support, which may not seem like much to you, but after all this time its everything to myself and the kids.

So to be shocked with this. This end. This end that provided me with something I had not planned for, was almost frightening. An end that set me free from E?

I don’t know how I feel. But I know I will know be able to spend the rest of my life discovering the new me because of it.

The new feelings and new emotions that this freedom has brought.

Because now, after many long long years, I feel I have truly lost my chains.

I, C… She has been set free. From my paranoid schizophrenic physically, mentally and emotionally abusive husband yes, but from so much more.

Where this freedom takes me is COMPLETELY up to me and only me.


-Hillsong United/Here Now (Madness)-

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You Said You’d Care For Me / Said You’d Be There For Me / Give To Me, Why Won’t You Live For Me? / You Said You’d Cry For Me / You Gotta Be, Nice For What?

I’m using my break at work to finally write a decent post. First I was going to apologize for not writing more, but in all honesty, I’ve grown so much in this past month, to a point that I won’t apologize for any action (or inaction on my part). My life is hectic and busy true, but it’s also a string of choices that I purposefully make and I just didn’t feel like choosing to write in my down time. To be honest lol, I got high a ton and watched a lot of Netflix and danced around my room… and wrote some poems and songs that I might post at a later date instead. So, not sorry?

But here’s a glimpse of what’s happened in the last month apart from that quick post I wrote.

I got the place close to the lake. It’s all said and done as of last week. It’s in West Kelowna, super close to many winery’s and trails. It has two schools that have ranked well in close range, so that’s a plus. I’m just having trouble finding child care now, but everything in its own time. But if you have any suggestions I’m all ears.

Z is excited to move and talks about Kelowna all the time. I took a video of the house when I flew out there 2 weeks ago and she’d really getting the whole idea that we’re moving. She talks about going to the beach and seeing her cousins all the time, it’s really uplifting. Little E on the other hand is not at all thrilled about the prospect of it. He takes ever opportunity possible to say he doesn’t want to move. I get it. I totally do. What almost 8-year-old wants to uproot and move to a place he’s never been to where he knows hardly anyone? He has to start a new school again, making it a new school for every year he’s attended. It’s been difficult on him, making friends and fitting in, and I feel bad. I’m truly hoping this move will be one we can settle into and make our home. For Little E’s sake. And my own.

On another note, E has been committed again. I randomly received this text a couple of weeks ago:

e

Just a friendly reminder. This dad of my children hasn’t seen his kids since January.  Which coincidentally is about the same time he last sent child support. We also live on the complete opposite side of the country from Ottawa. But he somehow made it to Ottawa… because apparently this capital city we live in doesn’t provide health care?? Anyways, he had also previously told me he had quit his job as opposed to his current story of being fired, which by now I knew not to believe because with him it’s an endless cycle of lies. Either way, I haven’t gotten any $$$ from him in months which has been awful timing while trying to purchase the new place. I honestly haven’t been this financially strapped… in ever. But it is what it is.

So, to make matters even more unbelievable (hard to do in my life, but by now we know not to push the envelope) this past Saturday while I was playing outside with the kiddos, I received a call from a number marked No Caller ID. turns out to be the hospital he’s been admitted at. You will literally never guess what they were calling for.

Go ahead and try.

You’re probably wrong.

I’ll help.

They were trying to hit me up for money. Not one word of a lie. They said he had the balls to list me as his emergency contact. 4 years into our divorce and I’m still his top go to person?? Fuck Off. She said she had called Welfare Services and they won’t pay because of something something (I really wasn’t listening I was honestly beyond shocked that the whole system had the gall to call me and ask ME for money to cover his bills). So she’s basically saying that because he put my name, I’m responsible. Hahaha.

I told her no. Flat out no. If they are expecting me to pay, they can actually stop treatment (my actual words) because I’m not paying anything. She started to say something like “oh I can imagine what you’ve gone through” and I stopped her cold. No. No you cannot. You have no idea what I have gone through with that man. I will not be paying anything. Please don’t include me in this. Then I asked her what E had been saying about me, to which she responded that E hadn’t said anything since being admitted and that he was very sick.

Uhhh, Duhh. That’s not a news flash to anyone. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell the whole world. E is sicker than your average mentally sick person.

So the call ended with her apologizing and saying she wouldn’t bother me again. I’ll take that as a win.

I know some of you are thinking that’s very cold-hearted of me. That I should be more forgiving and helpful.

Why?

Why should his well-being be more important than mine? Why should he be allowed to continually wreck the peaceful life I’m trying to create for my kids and I? I have to take care of myself and my children. I spent YEARS trying to “help” him, but at some point, I have to recognize that my life and sanity is valuable too. No one is looking out for me except me. So I have to… I have to make the moves that benefit myself and my kids. E is toxic, so I will not allow that poison in my life in any form anymore. I have to clear out that harm to allow myself to be the best version of C that I can be. At some point I (and the world) just have to recognize that E is a grown man, and although he is very sick, I am not a medical professional and therefore I am not fit to help. I also have been hurt by him and therefore have no desire to help in any way anymore. That is my choice. That makes me a stronger person for making beneficial choices that allow me to grow and move on. As bitchy as it may seem, it’s my choice and it improves my quality of life. Which is just as important as E’s, but I have to do it for me. What he does is his choice. This move is mine.

And I will not feel guilt for choosing my best life.


-Drake/Nice For What-

 

God’s Plan I Hold Back, Sometimes I Won’t / Still Bad Things It’s A Lot Of Bad Things That They Wishin’ On Me

So my house is up for sale. The listing went live on Jan 25th (last Thursday) and there was one showing booked for Sunday that got cancelled last-minute, and now another one for tomorrow. So I’m feeling hopeful that at least people are interested in the place enough to want to come see it in person. But I’ll admit it’s been stressful. Keeping it clean and show ready at all times. I’ve obviously never sold a house before, and so just all the random thoughts that cross my mind every once in a while are crazy. Like “what if it doesn’t sell?”

I honestly hadn’t even considered it until Sunday when the first showing was cancelled. But for real? What in the world will I do if it doesn’t sell? I can’t even begin to let my mind wander down that path. I’m fairly confident just from the amount of activity we’ve had on it in such a short time that someone will scoop it up, so I’m just going to stay focused on the positive. And also keep an eye open for a new place. Everything so far has turned out to be a dud, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that with the spring coming, that more listings will pop up…I hope? But no, for real. more people want to move in the summer time so they list their property in the spring-ish in hopes to move while kids are out of school, snows off the road etc. Either way I’ve been checking the new listings probably 3 times a day just to make sure. Over kill? Totally. But I want to make sure I’m one of the first to see a new place once it goes up.

Other than that, work’s been decent. I got another bonus this week so I’ll stash that away for the down payment, which all thanks to me (yes, I’m throwing not so subtle shade at y’all) has been growing slowly.

The gym/training has been great. I only have 3-4 more sessions with my trainer left and I haven’t decided what I’m doing after that. Most gyms here require a membership or a contract in order for you to go and I don’t wanna sign some stupid 2 year contract to a gym if I’m moving in 5-6 months, but on the other hand, I don’t want to stop all the progress I’ve made and stop going all together. So I’ve got to think my options through. My co-worker suggested I go to each new gym in the area for their free 2 week trial until we move lol so I guess that’s an option. Currently the top contender is a small gym close to work that I could join on a month to month basis. But this gym is geared more towards heavy lifting, which I have been doing with my trainer, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable signing up to go to a gym where there will be a bunch of butch guys walking around, when I’m still not 100% sure what I’m doing. So I guess yeah I’m just still self-conscious.

My kids are doing good. Well they’re always doing good, although Little E said something quite disconcerting to me the other day. He asked outta no-where if I hear voices in my head. So of course red lights went up so fast because of their dad’s history. I tried to casually ask what he meant, and he continued…

He said he talks to voices that he hears in his head. So I said we all have our inner voice that we talk to, like we have conversations with our self in our minds. But then he continued by saying he actually HEARS them. Audibly.  And then he went on to say that he has 5 different voices. Each with a different voice/sound/distinction. So I asked him what do they say? Because now I’m becoming a little more concerned. And he says he can only hear 2 of them distinctly, but he knows the 5 are there. He’s not sure exactly what they say, but he can hear the different sounds they make. So I suggested to him that he just use his own thoughts to control the voices, and make sure he is always choosing to listen to the voice that is his own.

But I’ll be honest, I’m worried. There’s no “test” persay for schizophrenia. In fact when I was dealing with E first being diagnosed, I asked many doctors if I could’ve known before, or what to look out for, and they all said pretty much the same thing. Until there is a full-on meltdown/mental breakdown there is no way of knowing for sure. But I don’t want to let Little E get to that point. I don’t want him living with voices in his head from such a young age and having him think it’s normal. I want to do whatever I can to stop it, or help it BEFORE it progresses to a point of no return. I don’t want him to start listening to those voices more than the world around him like his dad did. I want everything good and happy and nice for him.

So when I hear him tell me that he has specifically labeled 5 distinct voices in his head, that he can HEAR, not just in his mind, but he hears them talking, so much so that he turns to see if they are there… that highly concerns me. I think I’m totally within my right to look into some preventative…..things? I don’t even know what options are out there, but you can know for sure I’ll be researching them.

I don’t want to leave him until he has a total break down before someone takes me seriously. I take him seriously. So if you have any recommendations on paranoid schizophrenia, and preventative measures, pass them along. Because I know how bad his dad is, and I NEVER want that for Little E.


-Drake/God’s Plan-

 

 

Am I Dead? Or Is This One Of Those Dreams? Those Horrible Dreams That Seem Like They Last Forever?

So as promised, well not even promised but told to E yesterday, the kids and I called him last night to video chat. During which he proceeded to inform me that his Dad’s burial is on the same day as my Grandma’s. 365 days in a year, and yeppers, it’ll be the same day, Aug 26th for both of them. For some reason it pissed me off. I wasn’t mad at E, I was just like, common life! Quit kicking me in the balls! So I asked if he was actually going to attend which will require him travelling back to Kenya. To which he replied with “well that’s a tricky question” Yeah. Same phrase he used when I asked him why we should stay together lol.

Anyways I could tell already what was coming but I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. So I just let him continue talking… but he didn’t, he just let the statement hang, with the static silence growing.  So I said E, if you need something, you have to use your words and ask for it. You can’t assume I just know what you’re talking about. Exact phrase I say to my kids. Use your words. You can’t assume people know what you’re trying to get across unless you expressly say it. WITH WORDS. So he did…Kinda. He explained that yes, he has the money, but he doesn’t have a credit card to pay for the flight so can he send me the money and I purchase his flight for him on my card.

I truly and honestly don’t want to be a part of this, but I won’t be a bitch and deny the man the chance to attend his fathers funeral. I explained that he would have to do all the research and find the flights himself, to which he responded ‘How?’  OMG. I told him to Google it. I even explained to him exactly what to type into Google so I wasn’t leaving him completely high and dry. I want him to put a little effort into this on his own and try to become a little more independent, albeit I’m sure that’s just pure fantasy on my part at this point. I also told him I’m not paying for anything until he fronts me the money FIRST. Cold hard cash up front or it’s a no go. He made a comment about how I was being ‘harsh’ and I could only think that beggars can’t be choosers but instead replied that last time I paid for him to fly home from Kenya in the midst of our divorce, and he said he would “pay me back” I never saw a dime. His response? ‘Wow’.  Damn right wow. $1,700.00 worth of wow. So front me the money or you can watch the burial from a grainy Facebook live video or by some other means for all I care.

I know in the end because of his lack of ability, that by agreeing to do this, I’ll most likely end up having to do the research to find the flights for him. If I don’t, E will just go with whatever pops up first on Google which will be a crazy expensive flight with a million stopovers. But that’s his issue/choice.

OH and then he didn’t know if he could get a few days off work for this. Now I know E. I know that since he’s started this job, he’s never asked for time off and they always make him take all his days near Christmas at the end of the year because he’s never used a single day off the whole year. I told him to just ASK. USE HIS WORDS!!! Explain to his Boss/Supervisor that his Dad had passed away and he would like to extend his 10 days off to perhaps 14 or even 20 to make the trip worth it. He normally works 20 days on and gets 10 days off, but this rotation, he would need to be back at work on the 27th, the day after the burial, making flights from Kenya to Canada… Well pretty much impossible. So again, I had to tell him, if he wants something, he needs to just ask. And that there’s a 99% chance they will give him the time off. Especially with his vacation track record, and well, it being the death of his dad.

So we’ll see if E can pull this off. I was a little relieved to see him talking on the phone yesterday. To be honest I was concerned about how he was going to handle this whole situation, but yesterday he seemed no worse off than normal (yeah this behavior is his new normal). I am worried that once he gets to Kakamega and visits with his family it might disturb things a little. Plus I’m not sure when he plans on going for his monthly injection for his medication if he’s out of the country, something I’ll ask him next time we talk, but it is what it is.

I’m not sure if this whole trip will be for better or worse. But for now I’ll just take things one day at a time.


-Kesha/Praying-

Cause In The Night I Hear Him Talk The Coldest Story Ever Told Somewhere Far Along This Road He Lost His Soul

I received a message from E letting me know that his dad had passed away last night, as well as one from my brother-in-law (because according to the law we are still married so in laws it is.

I can honestly say… I didn’t really care. This man for all intents and purposes tried to kill me once (check it out here: Tell the World I’m Coming… Home ) in one of my most stressful days ever.  So to say I feel a great loss would be a huge lie. I did message E to express my half hearted condolences and to make sure he was doing OK, because I’m a (half) decent human being.

E replied that yes, he was doing ok, but now as the day has evolved I’ve realized that he is far from that. He’s so far called me EIGHT times at work. Today. Already. It’s not even 2 o’clock. I made the mistake of asking if he was going to fly back to Kenya for the funeral or if there was going to be one, and now he got the idea in his head that the kids should go with him.

Uhhhh, that’s gonna be a hard no. I pretty much have sole custody of both the kids and there is no way in Hell (Heaven or Earth or anywhere else you can think of) that my kids are going to with E back to Kenya. ESPECIALLY at this age. EXTRA ESPECIALLY (I know that’s very grammatically incorrect but work with me) without our divorce finalized. SUPERDUPERLY ESPECIALLY without me.

So now he’s calling me constantly asking again and again “just in case” I changed my mind. But more so because I don’t think he knows how else to handle his emotions right now. Since I’ve known E, he’s never lost anyone close to him, and now his dad has died. I understand it must be beyond difficult. I get that. But unfortunately, past behaviors on his part have dictated that the kids are not safe to travel with him. So it is what it is. I told him that the kids and I would call him tonight to talk and maybe that would help ground him, but I made it clear that they would not be going back with him. If he wants to press it further he will have to contact his lawyer, but there’s not much else he can do, and calling me every 15 minutes won’t help. Even in the case that he does try to call his lawyer, I’m quite confident that nothing will happen, and they kids will be staying with me, here in Canada.

Part of me wonders how this will affect his mental stability. Can he make it through this without having another break down and ending up in the hospital for months again? Are his medications strong enough to keep the voices/paranoia away during this stressful time? Are the kids safe to spend their 2-3 hours with him when he comes back to town again? Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, and there’s nothing to worry about but as a mother, you always want to protect your kids first. And for myself I’ve seen danger with E too many times to not see this as a massive source of stress for E that might act as a huge potential trigger for relapse.

All I can do now is stand firm in my position that the kids are staying with me, and be decent to E, so I don’t cause any more stress to him then already present.


-Kanye West/Heartless-