There’s A Time That I Remember That I Never Felt So Lost When I Felt All Of The Hatred Was To Powerful To Stop

This past weekend I packed up the kiddos and drove back to my parents house to surprise them for the weekend. It was my moms birthday on the 12th, and since we won’t be back for Christmas, I figured we were due for a visit. I got the Thursday off, and Monday was a holiday here (Remembrance Day) so with a 5 day weekend ahead of us we hit the road.

The kids were fantastic on the road. It was just over an 11 hour drive on the way there with stops included, but I had no complaints about my kids. There was zero argument or bickering from the backseat the entire ride. I downloaded a bunch of story podcasts for them and Little E read us the rest of ‘The Lion, The Witch and The Waredrobe’ on the way, since we started that series as a family a few weeks ago. Then they also had their iPads for an hour or so. So all in all a good drive.

But the very best part was arriving at my parents place. I had my sister N do a little recon work before I planned the trip, just to make sure someone would be home, and so when my dad opened the door, he we shocked. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad speechless before, but in that moment he was the most surprised I’ve ever seen him and it was a definite win. My mom was out at a class so the kids had to wait almost 2 hours until she came home, while I made the beds for us. They got to relax and catch up with my dad, who was basically stunned all night.

My mom got home shortly after nine and the kids jumped out to surprise her while I recorded it (I have my dads reaction as well, both on my Instagram with everybody loving it). She was so happy and cried happy tears, which I previously warned my kids about. Like don’t worry about the crying, people can cry when they are so happy or just emotional and it can be a good thing. I didn’t want them thinking they made my parents sad. I think the warning was good, because then when they saw my mom tear up, they just hugged her and we’re ok about it. It wasn’t awkward.

My parents were so happy, and we got in visits with both my sisters and their families. We drove out to my older sister R’s house, which is fantastic. They bought a fixer upper ranch/acreage and although it still has tones of work to be done, I love the house. I got to spend time with my 4 nieces there and do a little bonding and teasing, you know regular Aunty stuff.

Then my little sister N and her husband D came on both Saturday and Sunday night for dinner with their baby F who I guess is t so much a baby now. She was born the week before we moved to Kelowna. They came to visit us this summer, and we FaceTime about 2-4 times a week so I’ve seen F growing and I’m a closer to N than I am with R.

My parents loved every minute of the weekend. My dad stayed home from work to spend time with the kids. Making sure little E could stay up late with them to watch the hockey games, and chopping wood and building fires and sledding. Then taking Z grocery shopping with them and baking cookies etc. All those fun grandparent activities.

On the drive out Z asked if they could visit their dad while they were in town. Tbh the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. But I said I would talk to him and see. I got ahold of E and him agreed to take the kids to an indoor play place on Sunday afternoon. The kids haven’t physically seen E since Christmas last year, because he never made the effort to come visit them this year at all. So I talked to him on Saturday double checked the time for Sunday. He said it was a go. Then Sunday I texted him to confirm again. Because with this man I’ve learned that you can never be to careful. He replied that he would be there at noon.

So I take the kids to the playground at noon and he’s not there. We wait in the car for 10 minutes while I’m calling repeatedly but it’s going straight to voicemail. So I decide to take the kids out for lunch and tell them after lunch we can come back and check if dad is there late. Maybe he couldn’t get a taxi or the bus is late, whatever. So we go for lunch, which is not an expense I was planning on since E said he was going to feed them and I’m trying to stick to a strict budget, but it’s not their fault their dads a deadbeat. Then we return to the play centre. He’s nowhere to be found and is still not answering my calls. So now I have two kids who have been looking forward to playing and Z who was looking forward to seeing her dad. Little E couldn’t care less at this point, unfortunately he’s learned not to get his hopes up regarding male role models, which I played a role in. But I decided to stay with them to let them play for a few hours (another $30+ outta my pocket). I had to cancel coffee with my friend to stay, which sucked since I haven’t seen my friends since Christmas either, but we have to make sacrifices for our kids when the other parent is a dick.

He still has not called or texted to explain what happened or apologize to the kids and it’s Friday. God I made the dumbest choice of my life thinking I loved him. I just hope I’ve grown since then.

We hit the road for Kelowna Monday morning and the drive wasn’t as good as the way there, but I know Z was emotional about missing her grandparents and none of us had the best sleeps all weekend. We were busy getting in a much visiting time as possible.

All in all, it was worth it.

I look back at it this way.

My family is was very broken. But in the past few years, we’ve all been collectively taking steps at healing generational pain. Some of us have maybe been doing more than others yes, but as a family I think it affects us all. So this visit was important.

I knew my mom was missing my kids, to the point of tears. I know my parents won’t be alive forever and therefore even though it doesn’t seem like it’s something I personally need, my family needed us to visit. My sisters needed us to come and have those hugs and visits to there spaces and see how they are doing and to just be happy in their home. So even though I hated driving 11+ hours each way and my ass is sore and stiff and I didn’t sleep well, it was a great visit. Even though E is a cock sucking mother fucking piece of shit that can eat a dick, my kids have me. And through me they have my family. And even though my family has its decrepit moments, we’re trying and we love each other in our hurt ways.

And tbh, we’re getting better.

And that’s all we can ask for. I guess what I’m saying is that the way you’re feeling doesn’t have to stay that way forever. You can make your own changes and I can speak to the fact that it can radiate to others close to you on a conscious and spiritual level. It’ll make them work on themselves.

Improvement.


-Maroon 5/Memories-

I Wish I Could Be Every Little Thing You Wanted All The Time

Last night Z nearly broke my heart.

I was washing her hair, which could be considered a full time job, although we do it on average once a week if I’ve had enough coffee and sleep, when she made the comment that she doesn’t like her hair and wished it was like all her friends hair, which is in her words ‘smooth’.

Z has the most fantastic Afro, which I’ll admit at first I didn’t at first know the first thing about dealing with for obvious reasons, the main being I never had hair like that so why bother learning right? But over the years as her hair grew I realized it was getting more curly and thick and I would need more insight on how to care for her crowning glory to do it full justice, I started researching what the better quality products would be to use. I learned all about a wash n go and wet plopping and deep conditioning which to be honest were all very helpful for my hair as well since I also have curly hair, although not to the extent of Z’s 3c/4a curls. I learned not to use drug store brands that contain sulphates and other harmful chemicals that will further dry her hair out. I learned how to trim her hair myself to maintain it and get rid of dry, split ends on my own without spending a fortune on a hairdresser. I will admit though that I still cannot plait her hair, but I have learned twist outs and how to lay her edges so I’ll just take that as a win for now. One step at a time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But when she was upset last night because her hair wasn’t ‘smooth’ like all her friends at school my heart fell into my gut. I can only be so much of a roll model for her in this area. I wear my hair as big, full and curly as possible, because I honestly feel the bigger the better, and I truly think natural hair is better. I’ve straightened my hair maybe once a year since finding out all this information about hair for Z. Little E wears his hair pretty close cut because he just has no interest in keeping a style and prefers it practically shaved, and even when he does grow it out, it’s not as curly as Z’s, it’s more of a thick bigger curl. Her dad maintains a bald head although they don’t see him often (as my regular readers know 3 visits when we went back at Christmas and before that it was February last year). So I guess my point with all these “examples ” is that she has no natural hair role models as far as her hair texture. I’ve shown her on places like instagram woman with beautiful hair like hers and how they wear it even bigger than hers. For reference, her fro averages between 6-10 inches but I don’t fluff it out on the bigger side often. She prefers to style it pushed back with a headband or with a few clips or two pigtail afropuffs. Which is for the best because those are the only ones I can pull off half decently.

Anyways this is a very roundabout way of saying I hurt for her. I want her to be proud of every part of her, but this is a way I can’t directly be a role model for her. Yes, I can wear my hair naturally and I do, but her hair is distinctively different, not only from mine, but from the streets of Kelowna and even where we were before and heck even in a Kenya because of the mix, and others notice. I think it’s fantastic and beautiful and many others do as well. We constantly receive compliments while out about how nice her hair is of which I reminded her last night. I told her that her hair is original and beautiful and she should never want to change who or how she is. I was detangling it and showed her how long it was while wet and stretched out and she was so impressed, since it reaches to her elbows. So after the bath, I did one long braid for her down her back and she was much happier and kept mentioning how long and smooth it looked. Albeit it only lasted about 15 minutes until it was completely dry and shrunk up to her neck but it made her happy in that moment.

I’m just wondering how to move forward from here. I’m WELL aware that my kids should have strong black role models in their life, but if there aren’t any around… I can’t just produce them out of thin air.

My in laws are not an option, her dad is out of the question. The black community in Kelowna is to be honest practically nonexistent (trust me, I’ve looked). But I know that it will be something they need to become the fullest version of themselves they can be.

I guess that’s the most frustrating aspect of this experience. Knowing I can be the best mom I can possibly be. I can make all the healthy lunches and arrange all the play dates and study up on all the hair care and do all the sex talks, to name a few examples, but facts are facts, and facts in my situation is that my kids are half black, there’s no denying that, and I would never want to. And that culture is not something I can provide them, and they desperately need it.

It makes me feel so inadequate.

Knowing no matter what, I’ll never be enough. And I can’t do it on my own.

And what’s worse it that the right people are not offering to help.

***update***

Just stopped at Walmart and saw this ironic and timely display showing Robert Munschs books on display

All had been picked through except the braids book (which Z owns). It’s a book about a girl with hair like Z’s and how she doesn’t like to have it braided since it takes a while and hurts. Etc. But anyways it’s literally just shows how no one in Kelowna has that culture in their life nor is trying to pass it on to future generations here and I’m on my own with my kids. 😑

*Z with morning bed head for reference*


-Dishwalla / Every Little Thing –

I’m Not Your Gumdrop, ‘Cause I Walk All Alone I Got My Tough, Tough Power And I Call This Body My Home

Real quick personal post…. hahaha which of my posts aren’t personal, this whole blog is my life story lol. But anyways quick is my point. I’ve made a semi dedicated goal (let’s get real, all my goals are half assed, but let’s see where this one gets me) to get more in shape. Not a New Years resolution, but just something I’ve been complaining about for months and I now have the energy to deal with. So I went back to the gym today and got a body scan done before my workout by the trainer for starting reference and the results surprised me.

So in my head I had a good 50 lbs to lose and I’d be ‘happy’ or at least I feel I’d be more/most comfortable with my body. I’m not 100% sure since I’ve never been that kinda weight my whole adult life. Since all my recent fluctuations I’m now officially back up to 225 lbs. Not something I’m proud of but it is what it is. My goal was always the 170-180 range. I’m 5’9 pushing 5’10 and I felt that was reasonable, but wanted to feel it out along the way. I’m in no way now, nor have I ever been considered petite or small framed. I’m big. Which is just fact. Like I have curly hair. I’m fat. Nothing good or bad either way.

Anyways, one of the trainers at the gym did this scan to figure out weight vs. body fat and muscle etc, and the main thing that stood out to me is that right now I’m at 21% body fat which is less than 50 lbs. And my muscle mass was crazy high in comparison. So I thought being a certain weight would change everything, but this scan made me realize how deeply weight is I only a number. If I get down to my ‘goal weight’ there’s a high possibility that I start to deplete muscle mass which I’ve worked hard to gain. So it just led me to discover that yes, I’m overweight but I’m also quite strong, which I knew. It helped me recognize the work I’ve done so far at the gym has been not in vain and also that sometimes numbers on the scale are just that… numbers.

So while I do still want to lose weight, I think it’s more of a focus on body shape and my image of myself as opposed to just reaching an arbitrary number on the scale. I want to be healthier and mainly I want to be happier. Happier when I try on clothes and they fit the way I want them to. I can’t do anything about every god damn pair of jeans being to short, but I can change how my massive muffin top/beer belly hangs over the front. I can’t change how saggy my boobs are after nursing two kids and the fact that ones more saggy than the other, but I can tone up and be able to have more choices in bras in stock since I won’t only fit the absolute largest one. I can’t do anything about my stretch marks, but I can tighten up my tummy so they aren’t stretched to the max still. So as much as I’m not NOT impressed with my body, there ARE things I can do to improve it. I guess I just needed today to show me how far I have come already and the possibility that my goal of seeing a certain weight reflected on the scale was an unhealthy one. Each body is different and I learned my body is far stronger than I give it credit for. And although I’m not gonna win Miss Universe anytime soon ever, I’m also not going to be blown over in the next breeze and I can be counted on to help you move your couch… and I’m not just talking about holding the door open. This chicks got muscles 💪🏽.

-BAUM/This Body-

All I Want For Christmas

It’s been a whirlwind of a trip so far and we’re only about halfway through our holiday.

I woke the kids up early on the 21st in order to catch the taxi I had prearranged for 6:00am to the airport on time. I did Instagram stories for the first time depicting the morning and wake up in which Little E jumped out of bed and Z had the slowest wake up known to mankind which is completely opposite for them. ( I ended up documenting our entire day which was fun) The kids downed a bowl of cereal and brushed their teeth in record time they were so excited to for an airplane ride. In my mind I’m like y’all have flown on more planes compared to 75% of humans do in their lifetime, but memory before a certain age is a bitch so to them it was basically a first.

J had taken a box of gifts in her car for me which saved us suitcase space so we tucked our few bags in the taxi and drove the half hour to the airport which was a pleasant enough ride. Once at the airport I realized how many people travel during the holidays, something I’d never done before. We checked our bags and began the long journey through a massive security line.

This line was one of the longest I’ve seen and I’ve travelled through O’Hare which at the time was reputed to be the busiest airport in the world. I’ve traveled through Heathrow and Istanbul’s international airport. Like I’ve seen some big and busy airports, but this line took the cake. The kids were so well behaved and patient though! I was so proud of them. There was this one lady in front of us who just did not have her shit together. She went before us, and by the time all three of us had taken coats off and unpacked electronics and boarding passes, walked through security, and the replaced everything, oh including shoes on and off, she had gotten her coat back on. All I could think of was it was people like her that made the line so long and slow, not necessarily kids as most assume.

Anyways I finally had my coffee in the waiting area and the kids found a little play centre to pass the 20 minutes we had before boarding. Once we got settled on the plane, the kids were so excited for the flight that when the plane finally took off they both started giggling, it was adorable. They were perfectly quiet during the flight, Little E opting for his book, and Z practicing her lettering. The hour flight went by no problem and my dad picked us up from the airport with his customary timbits and we started the close to hour long drive home. Crazy hey?

We got to my parents house and my little sister N and her husband D were there to greet us with their little baby F, who was born a week before we left. We had an afternoon of snuggles and baby cuddling which I missed. F is a chunk bucket and the most adorable little thing ever. Then we made a stop at the kids old daycare to see their friends before it closed for Christmas. Santa was visiting there, and my kids got to go first, imagine that 😑.

My mom had a Christmas party arranged for the night and even though I was exhausted from not sleeping well the night before and my early morning, I made my appearance for her 25+ guests and the kids did well until finally dropping into bed close to midnight. This wrapping a long day one of our Christmas holiday.

-Mariah Carey/ All I Want For Christmas-

Well, It’s A Marvelous Night For A Moondance With The Stars Up Above In Your Eyes A Fantabulous Night To Make Romance ‘Neath The Cover of October Skies

K, fall is actually my favorite season. I’m hoping here, despite the huge amounts of rats I have to deal with (sigh) I’ll get to enjoy it for a longer amount of time. No, I’m not talking about pumpkin spice latte and leggings with those awfully popular uggs (I know they’re super comfy… I own a knock off pair). I like it because of the temperature for starters. It’s crisp. So it’s perfect sweater/ cardigan / jean / boot weather. Which is basically my entire closet. It means morning lattes are justified and evening wine by the fire is basically a requirement. But it also means that we don’t freeze our tits off walking the two steps to the car in 60 feet of snow and minus gazillion degrees weather. Fahrenheit or Celsius, take your pick.

But I also love the change of the leaves. You could sit outside for an afternoon and quite literally watch the leaves on a tree go from my favorite deep emerald green, to shades of orange, red, yellow and brown. Basically you watch them die, yet they still emit life through their color and ability to cling to the tree for just that little bit longer. It’s fascinating really. The beauty of it all. Not to mention the sheer and utter satisfaction I get in walking through the gutters or any other large gathering of freshly fallen crisp leaves to hear the crunch they give. So pleasing.

Then there’s the smells. It’s crisp. Not fresh like spring, but if you could smell temperature, well… obviously you can lol because fall smells sharp. It brings a chill to your nose, and awakens your brain with the coolness of it all.

Everything, everything about fall I love.

Of course it helps that the kids are back in school and I have my Fridays back to myself again lol.


-Michael Buble/Moondance-

It All Just Goes To Show How Nothing I Know Changes Me At All Again I Wait For This To Change Instead

So I went for my appointment today to see if I could get any help for my financial situation.

I really don’ know what I was expecting to be honest, but in the end it was a let down. I mean what did I think was going to happen? $100,000.00 cash in hand and away I went debt/loan free? Well I can assure you that is most definitely not how it went down.

I showed up and filled out a few forms and then started my “interview.” The first question she asked me was the one I knew would get me shut down, Oh wait, the second one. First, was do I have my own transportation, which yes I do, and that didn’t help matters when I moved here and had to invest over $4,000 grand into my “own transportation” to get it BC road worthy and insured. Anyways, moving on to the question I was dreading was do I have a job, and how much do I make. So I had to spill the beans and explain the awkwardness of the fact that, yes, I do have a job. A well paying job. Which is mainly why I’m in this situation in the first place.

My “well paying job” relocated this summer and basically fucked me over royally financially.  I lost thousands of dollars and all my savings selling my house and paying out the mortgage plus purchasing here. I racked up major debt because of the relocation and getting settled, and now I have zero dollars to my name except a maxed out credit card and debts of close to $15,000 to my parents, $6,000 to legal aid, an ever growing lawyers bill due to the ever growing number of hours E continues to demand on that front. Basically, I’m just trying to stay above board for a little bit until I can get my situation more settled.

So, because I’m not actually, technically poor on paper, all she was able to help me with was a list of places like the Salvation Army and the Food Bank, where I can go if I need…because as she kept repeating, the Food Bank can’t turn away anyone.

Not really as beneficial as I was hoping for… but not the end of the world I suppose.

I guess I’m just frustrated I haven’t won the lottery yet.

Don’t worry, I don’t spend what little money I have on the lottery lol.


-Blink 182/All Of This-

Mama Said Fulfill The Prophecy Be Something Greater Go Make A Legacy Manifest Destiny

So I’m currently writing this as I indulge in my new favorite hobby. Sun tanning nude from the comfort of my bedroom. Really, could it get better than this? I have a door that leads outside off my master bedroom, and every evening between 4-8-ish the sun shines right on the floor in my room if the door is open, so I figure what better way to enjoy it, than to throw down a few pillows and blanket and throw off the clothes. I just have to remember to put a robe on before I reach outside to grab the handle to close the door, lest I give the neighbors more than they bargained for, but so far so good since to date I’ve never seen either neighbor enjoying their backyard, but that’s their loss.

Anyways, I haven’t written about the move yet, because I don’t have internet (that’s a whole frustrating mess, but whatever). So I’m doing this whole blog in my phones ‘notes’ and hopefully I can successfully post it at work tomorrow using the wifi. But nevertheless the move went good. Well, as good as can be expected.

We set out on the road last Thursday *** Update… I delayed posting by a week, so think two Thursdays/Fridays ago etc…***  and the kids experienced their first hotel that night. They slept great, whereas I got the minimum because Z kept using me as a pillow. Next time she sleeps on the floor, I don’t care how evil that seems. So since we were up early Friday morning due to me being sick of trying to sleep in such an uncomfortable situation, we made great time. Honestly, my kids are excellent road tripping kids, I’d travel with them anytime. No bickering in the backseat, no asking are we there yet. The only thing that got annoying was Z having to pee AT LEAST once every hour. So I just started stopping at pretty much every rest stop I saw in anticipation of it. Problem solved.

Friday we stayed at my aunts in their trailer. It was so cute, she set up everything like a camping experience for the kids, because we all know I’m not the camping type so they won’t get that from me any time soon. My uncle pulled out the firepit and we sat around the fire on collapsible chairs while sitting on her driveway. The kids were in heaven. She also baked/cooked up a bunch for us so we would have some chili and fresh cookies of various kinds to fill our new and very empty cupboards.

On Saturday morning we finally got to go to the new house.

In a weird turn of events, it was bigger than I remembered it. I think after the previous owners got all their unnecessary junk out of it, you could finally see all the space. Space I don’t know what to do with, nor do I have enough things to fill it with. So it’s like a good thing but bad if that makes any sense. It looks so barren and although I have so many ideas of what I could do with the space, I just don’t have the finances, so it’ll remain empty for now.

My aunt, uncle and two cousins each with their significant others came to help move me in and we were done within maybe 2-3 hours. I’m talking bunk beds built and made, furniture assembled, dressers full of clean clothes. All that was left for me to do was the nick-nacky stuff. Deciding where I wanted pictures hung and all that moving in kinda stuff.

By the time Saturday night had rolled around, the kids and I had visited the beach 4 times throughout the day and there was sand everywhere. I guess it’s a small price to pay for living so close to the water. It’s definitely a good trade off for kids who sleep like rocks every night.

Nothing in my storage bin was missing or broken, which I had concerns about. Instead I had some issues with the internet company I was going to use. Turns out while waiting for the setup to come last Monday as I had ordered, they forgot to put the order through so they never showed up. So I decided to cancel with them. I didn’t want to deal with a company that couldn’t get their shit straight from the start. Instead I then ordered a self setup kit through Shaw. It arrived in the mail by last Friday ***real timelines now lol*** and I set it up and called to activate it as the instructions instructed, but it turns out my line is dead and I have to wait until July 11th for someone to physically come to my place and activate the line. So that sucks balls.

Then, the biggest stressor of all, is the Thursday while I was at work helping to pack up the office for the move, the daycare I had planned to use called me and left a message saying she gave my spots away. My kids were literally supposed to start there in 5 days, and she gave their spots to someone who was starting on Friday, but waited until the last minute to tell me. So now I have to find care for my kids in a couple days, knowing I’ll be on the road for two of them, and moving in between. Not cool!

I did a couple of interviews for nanny’s on Sunday (yes I needed care starting Tuesday) and ended up finding one who so far the kids love. Does she fit my budget? Hell if I know. I haven’t looked at my finances in too long because I know there’s no money there.

That’s a lie. I look everyday, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay her… unless she accepts MasterCard. But I can’t leave my kids home alone all day now can I? And I have to be at work to pay for everything else, so for now it is what it is. It’s just something I have to do, and figure out how to deal with the debt later. Stupid? Yep. But it’s only temporary for the summer, so I’ll just have to push through somehow.

Other than that, as I’m uploading this from my phone, sitting in the new office, with the house mostly set up, I will say that this town is nice. We spend a lot of time at the beach and just relaxing. I know it’s not the most exciting post, but at least you know I’ve arrived safe and in one piece…more or less.

Here’s to living the life we choose for ourselves.


-Panic! At The Disco/High Hopes-

It’s Beauty In The Struggle, Ugliness In The Success Hear My Words Or Listen To My Signal Of Distress

My sister N and her husband D had their first baby yesterday.

A cute little girl with a massive mouth the size of N’s…. but I didn’t say that… out loud. That’s the thing about newborns. They really aren’t that cute. Oh of course everyone says they’re adorable, and they are! New life and all that good stuff is amazing. But they are also butt ugly. Eyes too big for their heads, swollen lips and genitals from being pushed through the birth canal. You really can’t fault them for not being able to put their best foot forward when they literally have no choice but come head first. (Oh my god I’m so clever lol) But we as a ‘nice polite society’ have taken it upon ourselves to be overly kind and say each and every baby is beautiful and adorable, just to not hurt feelings. Whatever. Point is, they don’t stay that way forever and for the most part turn our adorable anyways.

My kids were AWFUL  looking, like fricken toads slash chubby sumo wrestlers and now I’ll be honest and say they’re gonna go on and break hearts one day. Things change. No big deal. I think it was worse trying to agree with someone when they would comment on my newborn as they were saying something like “oh he’s so cute” knowing deep down myself that he looked like a turd by society’s standards, because I knew it didn’t matter. I knew I loved him, and I know looks are only skin deep. So why can’t we be honest if someone is not that attractive? Like why do we have to go to such great lengths that we lie about it?  If you don’t think they are cute, I’m not saying call it out and say they look ugly, because that’s only your opinion. But I’m thinking you don’t have to lie about it just to go along with the crowd and do what’s always been done, kinda in a save face sort of way. It is possible to just keep your mouth shut and carry on with your day. I’m jus sayin’.

Anyways, my sister is so happy that the baby came early, since she wasn’t due until Friday June 29th, which is the day after we leave for Kelowna, so she’s glad we get to meet baby F at our going away dinner tomorrow night.

Since these are our last few days here, I have so much to do, which is why I’m 100% procrastinating and blogging instead. It gets to the point where I plan it all in my head, then put it off and put it off, and then at the last-minute work really hard under pressure. At least that’s how I hope it goes this time lol. Either that or it’ll be a chaotic mess and I’ll end up running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but so far the former has worked for me.

“Kon Marieing ” my life has made this move so much easier. I don’t have a lot of useless shit to pack. Plus we’ve been living at my parents house since April when my house sold and basically have just our one suitcase each, so that’s all I have to worry about packing this time around.

Last week I made the final “installment” if you will on my house deposit and paid all the lawyer fees etc. I’ve decided to leave Thursday after work and drive part way, then stay at a hotel for one night before doing the other half of the drive on Friday. Originally I was going to do it all in one shot, but I figured it’ll just be easier on the kids to do only about 8 hours on Friday… we’ll see. Then we’ll stay at my Aunt’s in Kelowna on Friday night and meet my realtor on Saturday at the new house for the keys. I arranged for our storage bin to be dropped off on Friday so we have the whole long weekend to unpack and get settled. Oh shit I just remembered I still have to set up utilities. Add another thing to the ever growing to-do list. Next Monday the kids will go see the daycare they’ll be at for the summer and get a quick tour, and then Tuesday I’m back at work. And that will be that. Seems like a plan, but we’ll see what else life throws at me between now and then.

Whatever happens I plan on blogging more regularly once I’m there.

Living with my parental unit has not been the most enjoyable thing and I’ve just had everything in my life rearranged. But hopefully things will get more settled soon and I’ll be back to me, but a newer improved version of me.

So, I figure that’s enough wasting time, and I should go and get some of my stuff prepped… like utilities for example lol.

Til next time, which might be from our new home, C.


-J. Cole/ Love Yourz-

Is It Cool If I Hold Your Hand? Is It Wrong If I Think It’s Lame To Dance? Do You Like My Stupid Hair? Would You Guess That I Didn’t Know What To Wear?

You guys, honestly, I need help finding someone to look after my kids once we move!

I’m on so many wait-lists for childcare/after school care etc, but NO ONE has room right now. In all seriousness I didn’t think it would be this big of an issue. I guess I didn’t realize the fact that I’m moving from a big city to a much smaller town with so few choices. At this point I’m willing to consider all options since I can’t just let my kids roam free all summer while I’m at work.

My mom brought up the option of a nanny/au pair living with us since I bought a four bedroom place. How nice would that be? But I’m not sure I can afford it… unless I deduct room and board… hmm the idea is growing on me. So if anyone is interested, or knows someone who is looking for work in Kelowna starting July 1st, hit me up. Think summer abroad lol.

On the topic of kids, my mom is taking Z this weekend to visit my Grandpa. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while… well last summer at least, you’ll know I’m not the biggest fan of my Grandpa. (see why here I’m Going Off The Rails On A Crazy Train I Know That Things Are Going Wrong For Me  

My mom knows why as in the end I ended up telling all the female adults in my close  family about what happened. I didn’t want anything happening to them that I could’ve potentially prevented. So she very hesitantly asked if she could bring Z with her on this trip. I think my mom just wants to have some special moments with her before we move. Also though, I’m like 75% sure she wants to show Z off. My mom will see her brother and sister while out there for the weekend and Z is just irresistible (a selling feature for those considering my nanny offer above lol). She reassured me that Z would be well watched and they are even going to share a bed at night… Mom and Z, no other bed sharing. So I agreed.

My mom told Z two nights ago and she’s regretted it ever since. Z has been SO excited since then. I put her to bed the night she found out and said the usual “good night, I love you, see you in the morning” to which she replied “I’ll see you tomorrow but not on Friday because I’m going on an Airplane with Nanna.” Hard to resist cracking a smile at that hey. But now ever 20 minutes it’s a comment on how she won’t be here Friday and how she’s going to BC to see Grandpa etc… I’m almost as excited as her for Friday just so the comments stop.

So I figured it will be good fun for both of them since my mom is just going out to check on her dad since my Grandma passed away last summer. It will also give me some one on one time with Little E.

OMG. I haven’t told you about the date night I had with Little E. Or did I? I’ve truly discovered the problem with taking a break from writing… all the inconsistency’s which I apologize for. But even if I’ve told this story, it’s worth retelling.

I wanted to take Little E on a special date. I wanted to teach him how to treat a woman (I mean that was my intention, but if he want’s to open doors for a man in his life later that’s his choice) Irregardless, I want him to be a gentleman, and although he may not have many (if any) steady male role models, doesn’t mean I can’t teach him all I can.

So, I taught him how to call and make a reservation for us under his name. We role played the phone call to give him some practice first and then he called in the reservation like a pro. He got to choose his own outfit, which he does every day anyways, but I told him normally on dates people put a little more effort in and dress nicely. So he walked out of his room wearing his orange Hawaiian print button up top and asked if he could put gel in his hair. WHAT??!?! That was a definite first, but so endearing, so I told him of course he could, and off to the bathroom we went to try that for the first time.

Anyways when it was time to go, I explained basic date things (not like I’m a pro, but I can always dream) like how the man can open doors for the lady and so he rushed in front of me on the way to the car to get my door for me and then dutifully jumped in the backseat. So cute.

When we got to The Keg, he walked right up to the hostess podium and rested his arms on top, declaring “I have a reservation for E” I was so proud of him. I tried to make the night special for him and let him order whatever he wanted, and let him speak to the waitress himself to help boost his confidence. He was a little intimidated but the restaurant, since I’ve never taken my kids to anything fancier than Boston Pizza for my sanity’s sake. But he was so sweet and we had such good conversation. It was actually a great night.

When we were leaving he again ran in front of me to grab all the doors (My heart melted) and was so polite to all the staff. It was a turning point for me to see that my son was capable of having so much fun with me, but also learning to be a man. I just hope that I can keep it up.

I want to do something special with him this weekend while Z is gone, so if you have any suggestions let them loose in the comments.

If worse comes to worst… I can always depend on Little E to take me on dates….Creepy? Yeah that came out weird lol, but y’all know what I meant.


-Blink 182/First Date-

Make Myself A Different Set Of Rules. Gonna Put My Good Foot Forward, And Stop Being Influenced By Fools.

You guys.

Just a quick update. Because my life is beyond words sometimes, but I want you to all know I’m still here.

Well actually I’m in Kelowna. I made a quick day trip out today to sign some paperwork and take a couple meetings regarding a place I’m trying to buy. I say trying because I’ve learned not to get my hopes up, even this far along in the process. If things keep progressing along nicely, which I trust they will, the conditions should be removed early next week and I’ll get possession June 29th of a place less than 100 yards from the beach.

I had a couple hours between my last meeting and my flight later tonight so I went for a massage and I’m now sitting in a local coffee shop writing a long overdue post.

To be honest there’s so much going on in my life that I can’t touch on now, but when and if I ever have time, you will all definitely know.

But for now, I’m alive. My kids are doing great. E is locked back up in a psychiatric ward back in Ottawa. And that’s pretty much the basics.

Haha way to leave you hanging hey. You know what they say… always leave them wanting more 😂😂😂.

Until next time, thanks to everyone who’s stuck with me. To all you guys who keep checking for updates, I appreciate you. Sorry I haven’t been holding up my end of the deal.


-Gonna Change My Way Of Thinking/Bob Dylan-