I’m Not Your Gumdrop, ‘Cause I Walk All Alone I Got My Tough, Tough Power And I Call This Body My Home

Real quick personal post…. hahaha which of my posts aren’t personal, this whole blog is my life story lol. But anyways quick is my point. I’ve made a semi dedicated goal (let’s get real, all my goals are half assed, but let’s see where this one gets me) to get more in shape. Not a New Years resolution, but just something I’ve been complaining about for months and I now have the energy to deal with. So I went back to the gym today and got a body scan done before my workout by the trainer for starting reference and the results surprised me.

So in my head I had a good 50 lbs to lose and I’d be ‘happy’ or at least I feel I’d be more/most comfortable with my body. I’m not 100% sure since I’ve never been that kinda weight my whole adult life. Since all my recent fluctuations I’m now officially back up to 225 lbs. Not something I’m proud of but it is what it is. My goal was always the 170-180 range. I’m 5’9 pushing 5’10 and I felt that was reasonable, but wanted to feel it out along the way. I’m in no way now, nor have I ever been considered petite or small framed. I’m big. Which is just fact. Like I have curly hair. I’m fat. Nothing good or bad either way.

Anyways, one of the trainers at the gym did this scan to figure out weight vs. body fat and muscle etc, and the main thing that stood out to me is that right now I’m at 21% body fat which is less than 50 lbs. And my muscle mass was crazy high in comparison. So I thought being a certain weight would change everything, but this scan made me realize how deeply weight is I only a number. If I get down to my ‘goal weight’ there’s a high possibility that I start to deplete muscle mass which I’ve worked hard to gain. So it just led me to discover that yes, I’m overweight but I’m also quite strong, which I knew. It helped me recognize the work I’ve done so far at the gym has been not in vain and also that sometimes numbers on the scale are just that… numbers.

So while I do still want to lose weight, I think it’s more of a focus on body shape and my image of myself as opposed to just reaching an arbitrary number on the scale. I want to be healthier and mainly I want to be happier. Happier when I try on clothes and they fit the way I want them to. I can’t do anything about every god damn pair of jeans being to short, but I can change how my massive muffin top/beer belly hangs over the front. I can’t change how saggy my boobs are after nursing two kids and the fact that ones more saggy than the other, but I can tone up and be able to have more choices in bras in stock since I won’t only fit the absolute largest one. I can’t do anything about my stretch marks, but I can tighten up my tummy so they aren’t stretched to the max still. So as much as I’m not NOT impressed with my body, there ARE things I can do to improve it. I guess I just needed today to show me how far I have come already and the possibility that my goal of seeing a certain weight reflected on the scale was an unhealthy one. Each body is different and I learned my body is far stronger than I give it credit for. And although I’m not gonna win Miss Universe anytime soon ever, I’m also not going to be blown over in the next breeze and I can be counted on to help you move your couch… and I’m not just talking about holding the door open. This chicks got muscles 💪🏽.

-BAUM/This Body-

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All I Want For Christmas

It’s been a whirlwind of a trip so far and we’re only about halfway through our holiday.

I woke the kids up early on the 21st in order to catch the taxi I had prearranged for 6:00am to the airport on time. I did Instagram stories for the first time depicting the morning and wake up in which Little E jumped out of bed and Z had the slowest wake up known to mankind which is completely opposite for them. ( I ended up documenting our entire day which was fun) The kids downed a bowl of cereal and brushed their teeth in record time they were so excited to for an airplane ride. In my mind I’m like y’all have flown on more planes compared to 75% of humans do in their lifetime, but memory before a certain age is a bitch so to them it was basically a first.

J had taken a box of gifts in her car for me which saved us suitcase space so we tucked our few bags in the taxi and drove the half hour to the airport which was a pleasant enough ride. Once at the airport I realized how many people travel during the holidays, something I’d never done before. We checked our bags and began the long journey through a massive security line.

This line was one of the longest I’ve seen and I’ve travelled through O’Hare which at the time was reputed to be the busiest airport in the world. I’ve traveled through Heathrow and Istanbul’s international airport. Like I’ve seen some big and busy airports, but this line took the cake. The kids were so well behaved and patient though! I was so proud of them. There was this one lady in front of us who just did not have her shit together. She went before us, and by the time all three of us had taken coats off and unpacked electronics and boarding passes, walked through security, and the replaced everything, oh including shoes on and off, she had gotten her coat back on. All I could think of was it was people like her that made the line so long and slow, not necessarily kids as most assume.

Anyways I finally had my coffee in the waiting area and the kids found a little play centre to pass the 20 minutes we had before boarding. Once we got settled on the plane, the kids were so excited for the flight that when the plane finally took off they both started giggling, it was adorable. They were perfectly quiet during the flight, Little E opting for his book, and Z practicing her lettering. The hour flight went by no problem and my dad picked us up from the airport with his customary timbits and we started the close to hour long drive home. Crazy hey?

We got to my parents house and my little sister N and her husband D were there to greet us with their little baby F, who was born a week before we left. We had an afternoon of snuggles and baby cuddling which I missed. F is a chunk bucket and the most adorable little thing ever. Then we made a stop at the kids old daycare to see their friends before it closed for Christmas. Santa was visiting there, and my kids got to go first, imagine that 😑.

My mom had a Christmas party arranged for the night and even though I was exhausted from not sleeping well the night before and my early morning, I made my appearance for her 25+ guests and the kids did well until finally dropping into bed close to midnight. This wrapping a long day one of our Christmas holiday.

-Mariah Carey/ All I Want For Christmas-

Well, It’s A Marvelous Night For A Moondance With The Stars Up Above In Your Eyes A Fantabulous Night To Make Romance ‘Neath The Cover of October Skies

K, fall is actually my favorite season. I’m hoping here, despite the huge amounts of rats I have to deal with (sigh) I’ll get to enjoy it for a longer amount of time. No, I’m not talking about pumpkin spice latte and leggings with those awfully popular uggs (I know they’re super comfy… I own a knock off pair). I like it because of the temperature for starters. It’s crisp. So it’s perfect sweater/ cardigan / jean / boot weather. Which is basically my entire closet. It means morning lattes are justified and evening wine by the fire is basically a requirement. But it also means that we don’t freeze our tits off walking the two steps to the car in 60 feet of snow and minus gazillion degrees weather. Fahrenheit or Celsius, take your pick.

But I also love the change of the leaves. You could sit outside for an afternoon and quite literally watch the leaves on a tree go from my favorite deep emerald green, to shades of orange, red, yellow and brown. Basically you watch them die, yet they still emit life through their color and ability to cling to the tree for just that little bit longer. It’s fascinating really. The beauty of it all. Not to mention the sheer and utter satisfaction I get in walking through the gutters or any other large gathering of freshly fallen crisp leaves to hear the crunch they give. So pleasing.

Then there’s the smells. It’s crisp. Not fresh like spring, but if you could smell temperature, well… obviously you can lol because fall smells sharp. It brings a chill to your nose, and awakens your brain with the coolness of it all.

Everything, everything about fall I love.

Of course it helps that the kids are back in school and I have my Fridays back to myself again lol.


-Michael Buble/Moondance-

It All Just Goes To Show How Nothing I Know Changes Me At All Again I Wait For This To Change Instead

So I went for my appointment today to see if I could get any help for my financial situation.

I really don’ know what I was expecting to be honest, but in the end it was a let down. I mean what did I think was going to happen? $100,000.00 cash in hand and away I went debt/loan free? Well I can assure you that is most definitely not how it went down.

I showed up and filled out a few forms and then started my “interview.” The first question she asked me was the one I knew would get me shut down, Oh wait, the second one. First, was do I have my own transportation, which yes I do, and that didn’t help matters when I moved here and had to invest over $4,000 grand into my “own transportation” to get it BC road worthy and insured. Anyways, moving on to the question I was dreading was do I have a job, and how much do I make. So I had to spill the beans and explain the awkwardness of the fact that, yes, I do have a job. A well paying job. Which is mainly why I’m in this situation in the first place.

My “well paying job” relocated this summer and basically fucked me over royally financially.  I lost thousands of dollars and all my savings selling my house and paying out the mortgage plus purchasing here. I racked up major debt because of the relocation and getting settled, and now I have zero dollars to my name except a maxed out credit card and debts of close to $15,000 to my parents, $6,000 to legal aid, an ever growing lawyers bill due to the ever growing number of hours E continues to demand on that front. Basically, I’m just trying to stay above board for a little bit until I can get my situation more settled.

So, because I’m not actually, technically poor on paper, all she was able to help me with was a list of places like the Salvation Army and the Food Bank, where I can go if I need…because as she kept repeating, the Food Bank can’t turn away anyone.

Not really as beneficial as I was hoping for… but not the end of the world I suppose.

I guess I’m just frustrated I haven’t won the lottery yet.

Don’t worry, I don’t spend what little money I have on the lottery lol.


-Blink 182/All Of This-

Mama Said Fulfill The Prophecy Be Something Greater Go Make A Legacy Manifest Destiny

So I’m currently writing this as I indulge in my new favorite hobby. Sun tanning nude from the comfort of my bedroom. Really, could it get better than this? I have a door that leads outside off my master bedroom, and every evening between 4-8-ish the sun shines right on the floor in my room if the door is open, so I figure what better way to enjoy it, than to throw down a few pillows and blanket and throw off the clothes. I just have to remember to put a robe on before I reach outside to grab the handle to close the door, lest I give the neighbors more than they bargained for, but so far so good since to date I’ve never seen either neighbor enjoying their backyard, but that’s their loss.

Anyways, I haven’t written about the move yet, because I don’t have internet (that’s a whole frustrating mess, but whatever). So I’m doing this whole blog in my phones ‘notes’ and hopefully I can successfully post it at work tomorrow using the wifi. But nevertheless the move went good. Well, as good as can be expected.

We set out on the road last Thursday *** Update… I delayed posting by a week, so think two Thursdays/Fridays ago etc…***  and the kids experienced their first hotel that night. They slept great, whereas I got the minimum because Z kept using me as a pillow. Next time she sleeps on the floor, I don’t care how evil that seems. So since we were up early Friday morning due to me being sick of trying to sleep in such an uncomfortable situation, we made great time. Honestly, my kids are excellent road tripping kids, I’d travel with them anytime. No bickering in the backseat, no asking are we there yet. The only thing that got annoying was Z having to pee AT LEAST once every hour. So I just started stopping at pretty much every rest stop I saw in anticipation of it. Problem solved.

Friday we stayed at my aunts in their trailer. It was so cute, she set up everything like a camping experience for the kids, because we all know I’m not the camping type so they won’t get that from me any time soon. My uncle pulled out the firepit and we sat around the fire on collapsible chairs while sitting on her driveway. The kids were in heaven. She also baked/cooked up a bunch for us so we would have some chili and fresh cookies of various kinds to fill our new and very empty cupboards.

On Saturday morning we finally got to go to the new house.

In a weird turn of events, it was bigger than I remembered it. I think after the previous owners got all their unnecessary junk out of it, you could finally see all the space. Space I don’t know what to do with, nor do I have enough things to fill it with. So it’s like a good thing but bad if that makes any sense. It looks so barren and although I have so many ideas of what I could do with the space, I just don’t have the finances, so it’ll remain empty for now.

My aunt, uncle and two cousins each with their significant others came to help move me in and we were done within maybe 2-3 hours. I’m talking bunk beds built and made, furniture assembled, dressers full of clean clothes. All that was left for me to do was the nick-nacky stuff. Deciding where I wanted pictures hung and all that moving in kinda stuff.

By the time Saturday night had rolled around, the kids and I had visited the beach 4 times throughout the day and there was sand everywhere. I guess it’s a small price to pay for living so close to the water. It’s definitely a good trade off for kids who sleep like rocks every night.

Nothing in my storage bin was missing or broken, which I had concerns about. Instead I had some issues with the internet company I was going to use. Turns out while waiting for the setup to come last Monday as I had ordered, they forgot to put the order through so they never showed up. So I decided to cancel with them. I didn’t want to deal with a company that couldn’t get their shit straight from the start. Instead I then ordered a self setup kit through Shaw. It arrived in the mail by last Friday ***real timelines now lol*** and I set it up and called to activate it as the instructions instructed, but it turns out my line is dead and I have to wait until July 11th for someone to physically come to my place and activate the line. So that sucks balls.

Then, the biggest stressor of all, is the Thursday while I was at work helping to pack up the office for the move, the daycare I had planned to use called me and left a message saying she gave my spots away. My kids were literally supposed to start there in 5 days, and she gave their spots to someone who was starting on Friday, but waited until the last minute to tell me. So now I have to find care for my kids in a couple days, knowing I’ll be on the road for two of them, and moving in between. Not cool!

I did a couple of interviews for nanny’s on Sunday (yes I needed care starting Tuesday) and ended up finding one who so far the kids love. Does she fit my budget? Hell if I know. I haven’t looked at my finances in too long because I know there’s no money there.

That’s a lie. I look everyday, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay her… unless she accepts MasterCard. But I can’t leave my kids home alone all day now can I? And I have to be at work to pay for everything else, so for now it is what it is. It’s just something I have to do, and figure out how to deal with the debt later. Stupid? Yep. But it’s only temporary for the summer, so I’ll just have to push through somehow.

Other than that, as I’m uploading this from my phone, sitting in the new office, with the house mostly set up, I will say that this town is nice. We spend a lot of time at the beach and just relaxing. I know it’s not the most exciting post, but at least you know I’ve arrived safe and in one piece…more or less.

Here’s to living the life we choose for ourselves.


-Panic! At The Disco/High Hopes-