Let’s Go Back Back To The Beginning / I’m Shedding Shedding Every Color Trying To Find A Pigment Of Truth

The other night I woke up from another one of my very real dreams I’ve been having the last few months/years and was hit with the stark realization that I have in fact been on a few lame dates.

I know I’ve complained the entire duration of my blog that I’ve never been on a nice real date, and in my mind the ones I’m about to describe still don’t really tick all the boxes of what a perfect date would be for me, but I woke up feeling like I should give these guys credit and at least appreciate the effort they put in. So here are my two stories.

The first guy I met online, obviously. This was before I met E or was married or anything. I was just a single 19 year old girl having fun. Anyway, he suggested we meet at very reputable wine bar that I’d never been to, but he knew quite well. This guy was fantastic. He helped me with my coat and pulled out my chair for me, while complimenting my appearance. He helped me in deciding which wines to try and ordered a nice appetizer for us to share. Like to be honest it was really sweet. The conversation never lagged and we shared a few jokes. It was good. After we finished up at the wine bar with him insisting on paying since he invited me out, he suggested we go for a stroll in the river valley and I just remember being so thankful that this man had ideas and could lead the date without “let’s go back to my place” being his only suggestion. This man had depth. I was impressed with his career choice, being that he worked for Red Cross and I was still reliving my glory days of the orphanage in Namibia. We were a great match. We spent about 4-5 hours together that night, all of which I enjoyed…and then I didn’t hear from him again. So I assumed it was over. In my mind I had messed it up at some point and he was obviously to good for me being that he was perfect, and that was that. My phone dropped in a toilet a week later and I lost my contacts and I couldn’t even text him first to see what happened. So zero contact UNTIL, I got a call one day after I was married to E and I can’t remember if I was pregnant or had just given birth to Little E, but I know I had a baby on my mind, so who should call like 2 years later but this dude. I guess he was sent out with the Red Cross soon after our date and had been in and out of the country since we met (according to our 1 minute phone call) He said sorry for not being in touch, he’d been thinking of me often, and could we possibly meet up?

Dude. I’m married now. With a kid. No! But even at that point I remember thinking I wish he had called sooner. I wished he had saved me from my poor decisions before I felt trapped in my marriage. But no. I was committed and I wouldn’t cheat. So I basically hung up on him and that was that. Another lost chance, to little to late guys.

Moving on to guy number two that my dream brought up. Oh man this one hurts to remember. It’s like my consciousness is working on reconciling everything it had previously shoved to my subconscious but now… well now I’m working on healing those thoughts. Anyways this one was painful, because I think if I hadn’t had this one phone call with this dude, I might have made many decisions with E differently. I don’t think I would have stayed with him from the get go. But we all know I did so….

The story goes like this. Well not the story, but the reality of my life unfortunately lol.

This guy again I met online. We went out a few times. We knew each other for maybe 3 weeks total until the fateful call? Nothing ever made official. But we went out dancing a couple times, he knew a lot of different clubs in town and every place we went he knew half the patrons in the place which was a little uncomfortable for me since we weren’t together and he was free to roam around and therefore so was I. But it left me in a club with a lot of guys hitting on me which I’m not a fan of, while he was basically off flirting. It was weird. But this was the guy who I sex with all over town. Parking lots, club doorways, public bathrooms, back of his car, front of his car, you name it.  Anyways, he did take me out to dinner once for Malaysian food which was delicious. They served amazing fried rice in a carved out pineapple and the most decadent satays, which I’d never had before but soon became my favorite. And he paid. So pretty much a date right? Anyways because we never made it official and I had issues, I was still looking for something better. And I think I wanted to make him jealous so that he would make it official (look I’m just being honest) So I was still browsing online. Plus it bothered my super low-confident self that he would still flirt with chicks at the bar when he went there with me. So that’s when I met E. I met up with E two maybe 3 times and then got the flu (not from him, just coincidence) and in my very selfish and conceited mind, I felt like maybe the guy/s that were warming my bed would want to warm my throat (not that way, get your mind outta the gutter) but maybe be kind and bring me soup or something. I just wanted someone to take care of me, that’s part of why I was “dating” in the first place. E was at work so he wasn’t available so I called the other guy.

I can’t for the life of me remember the exact wording of the conversation or how I tried to manipulate him, but I remember it backfired tremendously, so good for him. As you can imagine, he wasn’t impressed that I was involved with someone else (not sure how that came up), and I didn’t understand what the big deal was since he made it clear he could mess around so I figured what was good for the goose etc. Anyways I made the comment “you know what kind of girl I am” in response/defense to something he said, trying to indicate that had he made it official, I wouldn’t cheat. But we were just casual, so I held no allegiance to anyone at that point. And he responded with ” I obviously do. Your sneaking behind your mans back tryna to get the best of both worlds” or something darn similar. And it hit me. I’m not the kind of girl who deep down specifically tries to manipulate men. It’s not my mission when I wake up in the morning. I don’t want to be a person who uses people. So I remember thinking I would be different with E. I wouldn’t turn into “one of those girls” And I determined to end my one night stands and make it work with the guy I had.

And we all know how that worked out…. Talk about wrong place wrong time, E turned into my 10 year prison sentence. All in an effort to “not be that girl” I tried like hell to make it work with him.  I’m hoping this is enough punishment to atone for all the guys who feel wronged/used by me in the past.

And although I was a girl who used men to satisfy my sexual desires on many occasions in the past, I can say this for myself. I never coerced any of them. I never forced sex or anything alone those lines on anyone. Men came to me willingly (who wouldn’t 😉 )  and I allowed it. We both walked away satisfied. Just because it hardly ever turned into something long term, doesn’t mean I was using or abusing men. We both mutually benefited and walked away with what we came into the night for. Sexual satisfaction.

So yes, I know what kind of girl I am. I’ve become a very self aware girl who tried to make up for the potential hurt feelings of past men, by trying to make it right with the wrong man, by linking myself to him even when I knew deep down it wasn’t right. And I’ve learned.

I’ve learned that I still very much enjoy sexual satisfaction, but not with random men anymore. I’ve learned that loving the wrong man will not heal the pain of loving the wrong ones. I’ve learned that I need to love myself most.

Which is a long road my subconsciousness will not let me get off of.

My journey to my healing has begun. And I’m good with it.


-Hilary Duff/ So Yesterday-

 

 

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It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

When you sit back and think about it, we all had to come from somewhere. Someone somehow we are all connected. I know it’s not a thought we all consider on the daily, but logically, this earth didn’t just appear yesterday functioning at this level of consciousness and efficiency that we are at today. Which leads me to wonder, when did it start, and from where, which leads to the only logical consideration that no matter what you believe as far as a creation standpoint, it will start at some point. Lending to the argument that we all, weather we like it or not, weather we want it or not, we all started at the same point. Not us in our physical bodies as we stand today, but as the very least the creation of either our thought or our soul or whatever you may call it.

So, if we were all “created” or “started” at the same “time” or within the same breathe or choose the same moment to begin, or whatever you believe or whichever path your thoughts took long ago, it really makes no difference what journey your thoughts took, what matters is that in this moment, we are here together, and we, logically thinking and speaking, all began in the exact same moment.

Have we had the exact same experiences since that time? Of course not. This journey is just that. A journey. With each of us individually afforded our own choices and decision making skills. Throughout the infinite history, it has brought our bodies to this point in time, where we can acknowledge the grandeur of our past and move on, or rest in our souls accomplishments thus far. Has your body completed what it wanted to when it first set out? Were you part of the decision making process to decide grass was green or the earth would rotate a certain direction or maybe your thoughts took the journey to decide the sun would burn hot instead of freeze cold.

And now we’re here. What are your thoughts actively partaking in? Are you thinking universal as you might have once done? Or have you narrowed your mind to just think simply of your bodies day to day activity?

They say ” God” is the body, the thought and the mind…. a do your u hear what I hear type thing. So when you lay in bed at night, have you closed your thoughts down to hear only “you” over the years, decades, even possible lifetimes you have lived? Or do you put your body to rest, and then just breathe. And relax your own thinking to slow down and hear the thoughts of others. Or on the other hand, are the thoughts you project into the world hindering the progression of what weave made thus far? Or contributing?

Or, the most fearsome consideration yet, have we all become so worn down by what we’ve created, that we’ve given up and we are all ready to go back to our original form. A much simpler, more loving, even God like form. Once we reconcile our lives and our souls can rest, we make that choice to. Instead of coming back to this projected perceived world, we make our final choice to rest our soul for good. We remove our thoughts and we, as an individual are no more. No more thought. No more chances. Just done.

Chosen one person at a time, will leave this world with many broken souls who didn’t know they had the chance to choose. Not somewhere I’d like to be, but once my soul is done, not something I will have knowledge of either way..


-R.E.M/ Its The End Of The World As We Know It-

Take Control Of Your Mind And Just Meditate And Let Your Soul Just Gravitate To The Love

I’ve come to the conclusion in my life for now, that every time I’ve attempted to produce love, in any kind, it ends in a more broken version of myself.

Maybe, and most likely this is because the men I’ve been showing my version of love to have not been in a receptive state in their lives to be able to receive my emotion and energy, transform it into anything of value on their end and return it to me. Therefore all I’ve been continually doing is outpouring on an ongoing basis, but not getting anything in back.

This self-destructive behavior has left me depleted and more empty than ever. I’ve come to the point were not only do I feel I have very little left to give, but my quality of love is somehow not enough, because in the past it was either maybe rejected, not returned, ignored, stomped upon, laughed at, passed by, or outright told was not good enough in one way or another. So after all my attempts, some being my best work given to the wrong people, some being a half asse attempt thrown out just to see what would happen, I’ve come to a place where I’m so broken that there isn’t enough strength left to put together a decent first move to try any form any relationship of any kind.

So at this point, I’m no longer prepared to put that energy out to anyone anymore because it only produces heartbreak and sorrow. It leads me to wonder can an individual heal themselves after pain that has surmounted in this way after so many years? Or must it come from another. If all my emotion and energy and love was given out to an other person, (not all, but this one chunk) and I was left with hopes of that emotion being given back, yet that hope went unreturned, can I ever be fulfilled from within?

For example I’m a bucket that starts with my hopes and desires and dreams and love at 100% full inside it ok? And I go and give 5% here in love to one person and 5% there to another and a 20% investment to another person, but only receive half back from those people at best, I’ve given 30% and received back 15% leaving me at 85% capacity for love and hope etc. How now, if I have given my best for years and years and only received a lackluster return on my investment and I’m standing at like 30%, how am I supposed to go into any relationship with a positive attitude or an open mind thinking it would ever survive?

It can’t.

For starters, I cannot create love and hopes and dreams from nothing in my mostly empty bucket. I also cannot be the first to initiate anything knowing I’m not in a giving state. I’m broken. Very broken. As I think most of our society is. So that leads me to question, where has all the love and peace and hope actually gone, if we are all walking around with empty buckets?

Can we just think it back into existence? Do we just choose to believe and that somehow sucks it back into our lives? Or are we then somehow unconsciously stealing from someone else’s bucket when they are not standing guard? Did we lose our chance when we didn’t plan it out from the start and thought we’d have an unlimited supply of joy? Because I can tell you right now, it’s like after you reach the 50% mark with no one pouring into you, it’s like someone pokes a hole in the bottom of your bucket and it seems there’s no coming back from that.

Right now, I’m just doing the very best I can to maintain status quo and not reach 0%. But it would be more than I can even put into words if someone would just choose to pour into me. Maybe they found the unlimited tap on love, maybe they have someone pouring into them, maybe they just have the link to hope, but for me, I’m keeping my love on lock for now. I can’t risk loosing anymore.


-Where Is The Love /Black Eyed Peas-

Callin It Quits Now Baby I’m A Wreck

2019.

Here I am.

Taken me a while to…. not necessarily find the time to do this recap of the last year of my life, but more specifically find the desire to share what I’ve accomplished and overcome as well as my shortcomings in 2018.

So where to start.

I guess the most obvious place would be the easiest.

I moved. I uprooted my family and moved 900 plus kilometres away to resettle once again, for hopefully the last time. So far I’ve enjoyed the new place. The house specifically I’m not a fan of, but the city is good and the lifestyle is good. The kids have made good friends and are enjoying it here. So I count that as a win.

I lost 50 pounds and then regained 25. So obviously that’s not exciting for anyone who’s interested in getting more fit and not as fat, but it is what it is. And since I can’t hide 25 pounds I might as well just say it like it is, and what it is is crappy. I did start the year with a water fast and lost the 4-5 pounds that I gained over the holidays at my parents but now I’m just back to my plus 25. And really just couldn’t care at this point. No ones looking at my body but me and I’m used to it so it’s not at the top of my priority list right now.

I reached over 1600 followers on this blog, for which I’m really thankful for. I don’t right often now because my minds in a messed up place but I try and keep it real and hope that y’all can appreciate that the way I’m thankful you take you time to read about my life. It still blows my mind that anyone would be interested in someone else’s story, but it helps me continue to write knowing there’s a few of you out there who find it interesting enough.

I turned 31. All alone without leaving my house or blowing out a candle or opening a gift and realized birthdays are a sham.

I finally got divorced. Again all alone, but it was a somewhat momentous occasion for me as it had been years in the making and when it finally came it was a weight off. I won sole custody (duh) and it’s just good to know that won’t drag on forever.

I stopped fucking around. To most of you that’s not a big deal, but for me, who used guys and let guys use me, it’s phenomenal. I haven’t had sex in too long and see none on the horizons but I’m somewhat ok with that. It just wasn’t as valuable to me as it used to be, and no longer brought me any joy whatsoever. So I stopped messing around. It’s like a double edged sword, but I think it’s best for me, both for now and probably long term.

I realized I don’t really like my job. I mean it’s fine and all, but definitely not something I’ll want to do long term. I’ve been doing some soul searching as to what steps I could take and what direction I want to take my life, but my dilemma right now is that I can’t feasibly get an entry level job in the genre I’m considering that’s anything close to what I make now. So I’ll just wait it out right now.

Other than that…. I’m still the same old C.

Divorced, overweight, mom of two. Working only to pay the bills, and chilling at night alone.

Do I have goals for the upcoming year? Not in particular. I know me. I know when I set goals, I never achieve them, I have no self discipline to follow through. But if I end up just doing something in the spur of the moment, then damn I’m so proud of myself instead of being disappointed for not doing something.

2018 in the bag. Whatever that means.

2019…. I’m not looking forward to you, but to be honest I’m not looking forward to anything these days.

-Subflower/ Post Malone & Swae Lee-

My Mind Runs Wild To Comprehend What No Mind On Earth Could Understand

1,652 days from the day I got married and the day I decided to leave E. (Better than 72 days but still not impressive by any means)

1,762 days from the day I left and started this whole divorce process until yesterday, the day I got that email I thought would never come saying:

Divorce

In blue writing, emoji’s and all (yeah… millennials lol).  My divorce took 110 day longer than my entire marriage lasted.

Anyways, I was at work when the long awaited news, and I can honestly say I got overwhelmed. I experienced more emotion in that single moment then I did on my wedding day, or either day I gave birth. I had to leave work right away because I was tearing up so I sent a quick imessage to my boss and J saying I received a personal message and would be back in an hour, and left without waiting for a reply

I couldn’t even make it to my car. I, Me, C, stopped and had to sit in the stairwell to cry. Until this moment I thought people who did crap like that were just overly dramatic, like for real get your shit together. Until I couldn’t even form thoughts coherent enough to get one foot in front of the other and be confident I wouldn’t fall down the stairs. So I dropped. And sobbed. Until I heard the door above me open and thought my coworker or A had followed me out to make sure I was ok and so I rushed down the stairs to my car. Thankfully it was just another patron of the building, probably wondering what the hell was going on in the stairs lol. By the time I had gotten to my car, I had pulled myself together a bit and decided to drive down the block on the off chance anyone from work did walk out to check on me.

I parked a little ways away and the need to tell someone washed over me. It was like this was a milestone that needed to be observed and when that happens it should be noted by others, at least I thought so. So I called my mom. Wasn’t really my first choice, but it was my option in the moment. I asked if she was busy or if she had a moment to talk, and since I don’t call often ever during the day she said she was just leaving the neighbours house, but go ahead. So I let her know that my divorce was final and to be honest I can’t remember how she responded, since I was trying to suppress tears that were threatening to rise again.

She asked if she could tell the neighbour, who I grew up with and know very well, which I was fine with and she passed along the news, and then as she walked out the door she asked me how I felt about it.

Which I thought was weird. I kinda assumed everyone else would assume I would feel great about it, so the question would be unnecessary, and never asked of me. But when she asked, I realized, I didn’t feel great.

I felt like I had given up hope. I felt like this was something I’d resigned to the fact of never coming to fulfillment. I felt like E had won this forever since everything kept going his way even though his way was ridiculous. I felt like this battle had already been lost and why bother fighting anymore. So I had stopped a long time ago to preserve myself and my sanity.

And now to have it dropped in my lap…. A victory as such? I honestly didn’t know how to feel because I hadn’t prepared for it in anyway. I had only prepared for the opposite. In every way shape and form I had settled on the fact that this divorce was going to take the rest of my life and I would be stuck with E in this way forever. Caught in limbo, with each turn becoming a dead end. With each path I pursued leading me to more desolation. It no longer occurred to me that there could still be a finish line, let alone one that brought me such a decent outcome being sole custody and child support, which may not seem like much to you, but after all this time its everything to myself and the kids.

So to be shocked with this. This end. This end that provided me with something I had not planned for, was almost frightening. An end that set me free from E?

I don’t know how I feel. But I know I will know be able to spend the rest of my life discovering the new me because of it.

The new feelings and new emotions that this freedom has brought.

Because now, after many long long years, I feel I have truly lost my chains.

I, C… She has been set free. From my paranoid schizophrenic physically, mentally and emotionally abusive husband yes, but from so much more.

Where this freedom takes me is COMPLETELY up to me and only me.


-Hillsong United/Here Now (Madness)-