I Hope You Both Feel The Sparks By The End Of The Drive I Hope You Know She’s The One By The End Of The Night

I haven’t just written about what’s going on in my life lately.

Today, my kids are attending their official last day of school. Z is done grade 1 and Little E has completed grade 4. It seems necessary to mark this occasion after the whirlwind of a season we’ve been through in this last little while. But I can now say they’ve officially, and quite successfully made it! Most of their marks being above average. I’m not a fan of the marking system the schools here use. There are no letters or percentages given out, it’s like a sentence rating. Which I don’t see as better per say. Like there are 3 preset sentences the teacher can choose from but we all know they basically represent a grade or level of achievement. Like ‘meeting expectations’ or ‘ exceeding expectations’ etc. We all know they are just place holders for the grade or level of achievement the child has obtained. My kids have been doing more than fine with them working above grade level in a few courses, so I’m not concerned. My point is does it really make it better to have it written out point blank ‘you are not meeting the expectations’ and have the gut feeling you’re not good enough or to see like a C grade or something and just be like ok. Cool. Whatever. Do better next time maybe. I don’t know. I’m not a teacher (I dropped out of university when I had Little E) but I think the letters were fine.

Wow didn’t think I’d go in about that lol. Anyway my kids are excited for the summer. Not like it’ll make a difference to our routine much. We’ve been at the beach so much already since I’ve been working from home and the Covid junk has been going on. We have our private beach at the park which makes living in a trailer park worth all the embarrassing feelings I have almost worth it. All the camps and sports I had the kiddos signed up for during the summer have been canceled so basically I just went and bought some fun new water floatys and plan on relaxing all day erryday in the lake.

As far as how I’m doing personally? Decent I guess. It’s two fold. As a regular shmegular human, I think I’m doing quite successful. My kids are well behaved and joyful. They have friends and are happy and pleasant. I have a nice house and a car that runs however I need to still get the air conditioner fixed that my sister broke last summer. I have a good secure job that pays well and is more than flexible. I live in a beautiful town with gorgeous views and neighbours who both keep to themselves as well as keep an eye out on my kids and bring over gifts and flowers/veggies/fruits from their garden for us.

So really, pretty good. But I’m lonely. And the worst part about all this is I have offers for dates and I’ve been out with guys, but it feels inauthentic because I’m still in love with K. To the point I’ve had to explain it to one guy because he kept pestering me as to why I didn’t want to be with him. As crappy as K was to me sometimes, part of me can’t move on with anyone else because of that weird connection we made. But what makes it worse is the sense that it’s completely one sided and I know there’s nothing that I can do about it except have my own feeling regarding the situation. No one is holding my hand to the fire saying I can’t move on and have a relationship with someone else. In fact most would probably recommend it. And to them I would say, I’ve tried. I went on those few dates. I even went so far as to sleep with other guys. But it was empty and even gross. Like I was trying to prove something to myself that I could be ok and create a emotion and feeling for another person. But there was nothing. Nothing except thoughts of how it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t as good. It felt even disloyal. It made me feel dirty.

So even thought it’s been years, and I still cry about him ohhhh at least 4-5 times a week, I’ve at least learned that I don’t want anyone else. For me, I think that’s a good place to be. A good thing to have learned. No, it obviously doesn’t mean his feelings change in anyway, but I can grow in my life by understanding that I don’t have to be paired with another man. I know who I love, and I can rest in that peace. Where the loneliness comes from is staying loyal to my choice of not pairing up with random men while I stay true to myself and my understanding of who I love. So I’m not saying I’m just going to live my life waiting for him to love me. What I’m saying is I know who I love and who effects my life in the most beautiful way and because of that I can peacefully put the search for a partner aside and live the rest of my life to the fullest in this moment.


-I Hope/Gabby Barrett-

I Know You’re Built To Love, But Broken Now, So Just Try, Yeah I know You’re Chokin’ On Your Fears

So never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen. We went to get the mail yesterday and there were a few small packages in it, one for each of the kids and myself. From E. Not gonna lie at first I was like wtf? For a quick instant I was like is it something dangerous? What could it possibly be? Why after all these years, over 6 to be exact, would my ex be mailing something to his kids for the first time ever? So I sat in the front of my car and opened the Little E’s package first before handing it over just in case it was something that was better off handled by me. Is that a federal offence? I’m not 100% sure, but as a mother I’m sure you’d do it to if your ex sent your kids a small package in the mail for the first time ever after being apart for 6 years. I wanted to make sure it was something that would be good for Little E. Not harmful.

Surprise of my year when I looked in a saw a book and a card! I peeked in the card an saw the start of a nice note written to Little E. I opened Z’s package and saw something similar so I handed the packages back to the kids and told them they were from their dad.

I asked them to wait to open them and we called E so he could see their reactions as they opened the small gifts. I figured he had done this small thing for his kids he should at least be able to enjoy it. He picked up as I was pretty sure he would as I know he’s not working and doesn’t leave the house often due to his mental health issues, and watched the kids open their gifts.

I had to read the cards to the kids for them since he had written in cursive, and I will admit he did a really good job. Never in over the dozen years of knowing E has he written me a card, and now these heartfelt cards had words like I’m proud of you and you’re growing into a smart young woman etc. They weren’t just left at the writings that the cards had preprinted inside. It was really nice to see.

Then I opened my envelope and there, for the first time was an ugly ass purple card for Mother’s Day. The first one I’ve ever gotten from the father of my kids. Saying thank you for being a good mom.

And I was speechless. I teared up. Because I have to admit this week I felt like calling E and bitching at him to say I’ve been raising these kids on my own for the last 6 years without so much as a thank you, but I restrained myself One, because I’ve never done that before so why start now, and two because I’ve been really trying hard to control what kind of energy I put into the world, and also because I know he struggles with the reality of other people’s life’s at he is dealing with so much in his own mind. So I didn’t want to put that on him. So I didn’t call.

But when that card came in the mail I felt guilty for putting those thoughts out there. Yes, I needed him to acknowledge that I’ve been doing a great job and that I’ve been doing it alone. But I also need to keep my own mind in check of how I think of other people.

So I just wanted to share that my kids received the first ever gifts from their dad this week. Ones that I didn’t shop for on his behalf, and kind heartfelt written cards that they’ll treasure for a long time. And maybe it doesn’t seem that important to you, because your family is great and your dad does that stuff for you all the time, but just know I’ve been praying for this for a long time. And it’s beautiful to see it happen. And to see my kids hold those books, and get something I couldn’t give them no matter how hard I tried.

Was heart breaking and wonderful at the same time.


-Be Kind/Halsey and Marshmello-

Let’s Go Don’t Wait This Night’s Almost Over

So, in a world filled with COVID-19, I’m going to write my first post in over a month and not mention it at all… well at least not again lol. I’m going to tell all of you who have been checking my site on the daily (yeah I browse my stats, I see y’all, thanks for your dedication. It’s obviously more than I had to my writing this past little while) about my date.

That’s right I said it. I, the previously undateable girl, went on a date. An organic, non-online tinder-esk arranged date. An actual ‘you busy Friday? date. Me.

Hey these are crazy times right? I guess stranger things are happening, so why not this to?

Just as this whole pandemic was starting (I said pandemic not the dreaded C-word) I was headed to a potluck some friends were having with my kids and invited a neighbor and her son to come. She couldn’t make it since her brother had just recently moved in with her and so I offered to take her son anyway to give her and her brother some time to hang out. So sweet of me hey? So I drive to pick up her boy and that’s when I met her brother J.

Now I’m gonna be completely honest, as I do here on my blog. J’s fine. And I don’t mean fine as in fine like boy he fine, but more of a he’s just ok type of fine. So don’t get your panties up in a bunch when you realize that obviously he’s the dude I’m talking about when I say I went on a date and I’m only using the word fine to describe him. But that’s the best word I have. He’s not amazing. He’s fine. He’s not talk dark and handsome. He’s fine. Actually he’s super tall, but that still only puts him at fine. Sure he was super kind when I met him that night and had a good hand shake (lame that that’s the best redeeming quality I remember) but I’m just really not attracted to him. C? Wtf did you go on a date with him you’re probably thinking? Me too at this point but the past is in the past. This post isn’t about why I did it lol. Just describes the fact that I did. So chill.

Anyway my neighbor did introductions and that was that. A few days later my neighbor texted to say J was BBQing and would the kids and I like to come for dinner? Sure why not. We ended up staying for dinner and then having a bonfire and drinks late into the night, just hanging out. J walked us home and we made out pretty heavily before I sent him home. The next day my neighbor texted saying J was asking for my number was that cool with me? Ok. Here’s where I changed my first opinion of J. Yeah I still think he’s basically fine and definitely not the love of my life. But he’s got gentleman potential. Do I want to be in a long term relationship with him or something/anything? Nope. But I think he’s got something special for some girl. just not me.

Anyway I said sure, I didnt mind he could have my number, and he texted after work that day. He. Is. An. Awful. Texter. He’s also older than me. By a sizeable chunk. Now normally age doesn’t bother me, but when you’re in a whole other generation…. it affects how you interact with the world, so it plays a part. Anyway. He ended coming by the next weekend with my neighbor and her neighbor (who she’s seeing… apparently we like to keep things tight knit over here 😏) to hang out and that’s when on the way out he asked me on the date. Just a quick question on the way out the door. Do you wanna go for dinner Friday night? Yeah I just realized I’ve written all this and haven’t even gotten to the date. So I’ll jump to it.

I said yes, mainly because I was shocked. Because in 32 years I’ve never been asked that, and we all know it’s like a deep dream of mine. Something I’ve always wanted. Also because he was leaning in to kiss me and I really didn’t know what else to think. So I said yes. But as soon as the door shut, I thought, I don’t know if I want to go on a date with that man. I know I don’t like him like that. I made out with him mainly because yep I was drunk and yep because he was there. Call me what you want but that’s the truth. But I don’t want to go down the path that this seemed to somehow be heading in a very fast way.

There were so many thoughts going through my head and I settled on the most important one. Being that I didn’t want my friendship with my neighbor to be ruined if (and when) things broke off if it happened how I thought it would. So I texted her to see if whatever was happening between J and I was ok with her. And she was like ohhh it’s all cool. He smiles and laughs when he texts you. You make him happy. Well obviously it’s cause I’m hilarious, no but for real, now I’m like damn. I don’t wanna hurt his feelings, but I also didn’t want to commit.

Now don’t get me wrong, on Friday night I cleaned up real nice and we went on our date. Kinda. I half-assed it. I didn’t get a babysitter in time. To be honest though I didn’t even ask a single person. So here he is asking if I like lobster and have I been to certain ridiculously fancy restaurants in town and I’m like, I thought this was going to be a casual drinks thing. I don’t want to sit at a quiet chandelier lit dinner with a man I hardly know on our first night together. So I had to explain that to him.

We ended up just going to get drinks at a pub while he had his hands all over me while we waited for our Chinese take out order to be made and then went home and watched a movie.

But then. He stayed the night. It just kind of happened. I didn’t invite him. And he didn’t ask. I would have much preferred he had gone home, but he was pretty drunk so I felt bad. What I felt annoyed about most was how he didn’t give any regard to my kids and how I was going to explain it to them.

I’ve had guys over at night before. And they either left that night or quietly the next morning out my bedroom door. But J? Nope. The next day he walked out my door and loudly says good morning to the kids before I could even react.

They obviously had so many questions after he left. Did J sleep here? Why is he here. And I’m like nope. He just came for a visit this morning. Like fuck J. You didn’t respect me or my life in that moment at all.

So later I explained to him that I think we would be better off as friends. And that I appreciated the date, but I just don’t see us going anywhere.

So there, my friends you have the tale of my first date. The great let down. The time a man took me out. Was going to make reservations until I shot him down. Paid for my night. And I realized that dates are probably not all I worked them up to be. At least not with the wrong person.

Live and learn hey?


– First Date/Blink 182

No I’ll Never Leave You So Lift Up Your Voice And Sing

Hey. It’s been a while. Not that I haven’t had anything to say, more along the lines I had too much to talk about that it became overwhelming and I had no real storyline and not a clear thought of where to start. Life is always busy and stressful as I’m sure you can relate. Even just getting up an out the the door in the morning can be hectic and seem more than I’m capable of some days. But then other days I feel like, yeah I’m on top of the world. But in the in between days, in the monotonous times, I feel why bother writing? There’s nothing that makes me stand out from the rest. Nothing extravagant and special that should make me stand out from the rest. Nothing different that would make my story interesting enough to others to read. Yet I see readers checking my site all the time even though I haven’t posted in over a month, and I think, well maybe I did have something intriguing that people wanted to hear about. Maybe they did want to hear the story about when Z had to get stitched last week after she slipped at school. Or maybe people around the globe want to know how conversion Little E and I had this week about the hard thing I overcame in which I told him about the choice to leave his dad. We’ve been working through a big life journal I got each of the kids for Christmas and each week it has a different topic we discuss. This week was overcoming a hard thing in life. Anyways after I reviewed the situation with him, he shared his feelings of how he felt sorry for E and how it wasn’t his fault. I had to sit there biting my tongue. I wanted to cry. After all I’d been through he felt bad for him? After all I’ve done for you over the past six years you choose his side? But I remained calm and had to understand that he wasn’t taking a shot at me, he was more showing compassion for E regarding his mental health issues which I was explaining for the twentieth time. I realized Little E in that moment showed more maturity than many adults by showing sympathy for another human instead of jumping to anger. So I had to do the same. But most likely, the readers who are checking in, want to know what’ new in the world of consciousness. I know this because last night was the most important, fresh, scary, real, and knowledge filled experience yet. Which is why I’m writing. (Sorry for the awful grammar but I’m on my sons iPad and I can’t space and make new paragraphs for some reason). Anyways, so last night, I smoked some weed for the first time this year. I had been holding off for a while now because of what I had chopped up to paranoia. But I just felt a huge desire to last night. Not in a craving way. Not in a addicting way. Not in a “if I don’t get this I’m gonna go crazy way”. Just a peaceful pull. Also before I continue, or in the middle or it doesn’t matter where I mention this it’s all together, I’ll say I started going back to church in the fall sometime. It’s been wonderful. Well the preaching is not the best but the worship is what I’ve been missing. It’s like I can get to a point where the world melts away and it’s just me and …. the everything of the world holding me. Actually more accurately I’m not even there. So when I say I’m floating, “I’m” is just the knowledge of me. And the remembrance of when the music is done, to come back to the body I maintain. Anyways, back to last night. I smoked the smallest bit of weed. And turned on some familiar music videos that I enjoy singing to. Normal weed induced high followed, until the voices weren’t coming from the phone, they came in a quick instant from my head. SAY WHAT? Yeah🤯. So I turned right quick and listened, and the voices in the tone of who had been talking on the phone continued in my head. Weird, crazy talk you’re thinking. You’re assuming it’s a standard high. Weed paranoia, you think. Until the voices closed in around me and melted my room. I reached out to touch my walls and they weren’t there. I placed my hands in front of me and the bed was not below me. I felt my cat (can’t remember if I told you all we adopted a cat in the fall…. he poops everywhere 🤬) with one hand and he went in and out with my thoughts. If I thought him there, like if I remembered him, I could touch him, but I had to think, like actually think the thought that cats purr, and then I would hear him. Like my thoughts were only being produced through the small tunnel between my outstretched hands. They were no longer coming from my head, where my thoughts normally originate. It’s like I could change the source of my thoughts and how many I thought at once. Like tunnel vision or something, but so very narrow and controlled to think the very minimum of 3-4 at once. The ticking of the clock dissolved. The blackness of my room was gone. There was no light, no dark, no time, no fear, no pain, no past hurt. Not even the acknowledgement of my body or the room I was in, Like it was just the very minimalistic thought of my fingertips, not even my hands or arms attached, but just my fingers reaching out for the cat. And then in an instant, I wasn’t even my fingers. I rolled off the tips of my fingers and was held in the consciousness of the world. And the voice of the world which was not my own spoke to me. Confirming to me that it would hold me there, to make sure this time I remember. Because apparently the last few times it has tried to teach me that there was more than me I didn’t fully believe. Maybe because if my immense hurt. Maybe because if the huge walls I’d placed. Maybe because of the doubt in the world. It doesn’t matter, the maybes are endless. What matters is that I was held there. Long enough to remember, but not long enough to be fearful of not returning this time. And I was told I’m loved. Among so many other things. I was told I’m loved. And that each of our journeys is different. And slowly but beautifully I was placed back in C’s body tied with a lovely bow and reminded I am loved and looked over always. And I recognized that in this life I have been looked after all along. Cared for and guided. There is an inner thought and an outer expression that work together, but in my life I wasn’t allowing the connection to take place. I severed the connection forever ago. But know I’ve felt the beauty it holds. Were there repairs that had to be made? Most definitely. I feel both side held animosity towards each other, which allowed damage to be made, but now we are beginning to understand each other better as we learn to listen, allowing the love to flow better to both sides, healing what it may. And it feels like everything I’ve been looking for.


-Closer Than You Know/Hillsong United-

We Don’t Fit In Well Cause We Are Just Ourselves / You Look Stunning Dear

Z has her first crush and it is adorable. It’s one of Little E’s basketball teammates and friends from school named Tyson. He’s a very friendly boy and when he’s over to play they include Z which she obviously loves. Over the weekend she had told me that she only likes two boys, Little E and Tyson and I said that’s fine you don’t have to like all the boys, as long as you are kind to them. But last night at basketball practice I saw her crush in action for the first time and realized it was more than just an ‘I like him the way I like my brother’

It was a quick water break and Tyson came to grab his water bottle from beside where we were sitting, which I should note that Z had brought for him since he had forgotten it at school, so she made sure to save it for him and brought it full of fresh water to practice. Anyways, Tyson comes to grab a drink and Z says hi Tyson with the slight giggle and smile and all the innocence of a 6 year old girl crushing on a 9 year old boy with me sitting right there. And Tyson being the wonderful kid he is says hi Z and has his drink with a smile. Then she kinda giggles and looks back at me. Then Tyson calls her name again and we both look and he’s making a silly face at her which she loves (oh kids) and he runs back on to the court.

I thought it was the most adorable things ever to see the whole interaction. How sweet and innocent and friendly they both were. Tyson’s a great kid. He’s also the boy who after dinner at our house announced he was excited to go through puberty one day (I can’t remember if I blogged about that or just texted his mom laughing so hard about it) he’s an only child but well rounded and a good friend to Little E and apparently Z too.

I’m looking forward to what this grows into.

When his mom showed up to pick him up for practice we chatted for a bit and I mentioned that Z had a little crush. Her response surprised me. His mom and I have become acquaintances throughout this school year and she’s been over for coffee a couple times but it takes time to really know a person right? So when she said ‘Oh that’s ok, I’d be cool with a little colour in the bloodline’ or something along those lines. I was completely thrown off. She went on about how their pale Scottish skin could use some colour etc but I wasn’t really listening at that point anymore.

I guess it didn’t occur to me that my kids would face this kind of racism in their life. Subtle. But extremely there. Words that don’t need to be said and can be hurtful.

All it is, is a harmless crush between kids. There was no need to bring melanin into it. And to have that be your first reaction must mean it’s near the forefront of your thoughts. As opposed to the innocence and beauty of the relationship forming, your thoughts jumped to colour. I dunno. Not the best foot to put forward in my opinion.

So. I just felt it was the cutest moment on the kids part I wanted to share. And hope that as they grow older they learn healthy ways of interacting with each other. That help each other grow into beautiful human beings. Weather they end up together or not.


-Beautiful People/Ed Sheeran-