Why’d You Have To Wait? Where Were You? Just A Little Late You Found Me Why’d You Have To Wait To Find Me?

I’ve come to the understanding within myself that I’m not where I’d like to be in my life. Which, on it’s own is not that big a deal you’d think right? Just go out and change, or get what you want etc. and you’d be all good C right? Except that where I want to be is out of my own reach.

After I wrote my last blog, I truly realized how much I wanted another baby. For some reason I didn’t think it was that big of a deal before, but after I let it out, like put it from my mind out to the world, it made it so real… too real.

All I ever wanted to be was a family. A wife and a mother in a perfect little family. I didn’t realize it was such a deep truth for me until I’ve come to see how much of a failure I’ve become in this area.

I wanted a simple wedding with a first dance. Maybe a honeymoon if I was lucky. I wanted cute little kids, to grow up with two parents who love them, and each other. I wanted to cook dinner for my family while my husband helps the kids with homework, or shoots hoops in the backyard. I wanted to go for family walks after supper while my man and I hold hands and the kids run off ahead. I wanted to see my husband change a diaper just once, or rub my pregnant stomach and maybe sing to our unborn baby. I wanted to have fun looking at houses together or possibly picking out then putting furniture together for our place.

I even wanted to do my mans laundry, because folding clothes is my favorite. And as I fold his clothes I can make note of which items are wearing out and needing replacement. I wanted to nurse a baby in the middle of the night that my husband carried to me because it was “his turn”.

I wanted all these things and more, but I experienced none except the cute kids part. And the thing that chokes me up the most, is that I can’t change it. I can’t make a man appear, let alone love me and choose me. I can’t make another baby happen on my own… well technically with IVF, I could but that won’t change the course of my single mom life.

Sure I can make dinner for my kids. I can fold their laundry. I can take them for walks. I can do all these things mentioned… but I have to do them alone. And trust me. Four years of experience tells me it’s not the feeling I’ve been looking for.

Imagining holding someone’s hand… not the same as feeling it. Imagining laying in bed with someone else? Not the same as feeling their warmth and hearing their breath. Cooking for two kids? Not the same as making a real hearty meal for a man.

So I’ve just realized that I’m not where I had hoped to be, and frustrated that I cannot do a damn thing to change it on my own.

So instead, I’ll just have to keep plodding ahead as I am. Attempting to be the best mom I can, to the two kids I do have. Because they only have one parent in the picture which means I have to be doubly good…. maybe even more so because my efforts so far haven’t been top notch.


-The Fray/You Found Me-

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I’m Not Angry, I’m Just Saying Sometimes Goodbye Is A Second Chance

So where to begin.

I feel like ranting about every little thing in my life, which I won’t, however easy it would be.

My lawyer contacted me saying E didn’t actually sign the papers like he said he did (which I think I mentioned already). On top of that, he denied me ever telling/discussing the move with him, let alone him agreeing to it. So he had been ignoring my calls/texts/emails EVERYTHING for the last month and a half.

When I finally got a hold of him, he told me he’s been at work this whole time. Suuuure you have, it’s like he forgot I’m a payroll/HR specialist and know ALL the rules about how long he can be at camp for. Which means last rotation on his 10 days off while he was in town, he ignored all my calls and choose not to see the kids. Yes, that also means he hasn’t spoken to/seen them in close to two months now… maybe more I can’t even remember. All because he realized he got caught in his newest lie where he said he signed the papers but he didn’t, so now he’s to scared to answer the phone because he knows why I’m calling.

Fuck I can’t believe I ever married this guy.

Next, Little E’s teacher has been driving me crazy. I don’t know if she’s on some power trip or what, but in her newest move, she kept a few kids in during recess because they got ONE answer wrong on a quiz, and so she wouldn’t let them eat their morning snack while she made them clean other kids cubby’s out. I found out about it because when I asked Little E about his day, his first response was how he was SOOO hungry at lunch, which led me to ask why, etc. etc.

I can’t remember if I’ve ranted about Ms. C before, but in the incident before this (not even the first one, just previous to this, that’s how many there are in this saga), Little E came home from school and when I asked if there was anything exciting at school, he told me how his entire class had to run to the library so that a kid wouldn’t hit them. Umm, what??? Yeah, he says, then the librarian told them to run to the Gr. 6 room and wait quietly. Say WHAT!!!!!

What the hell is with all this running? And who’s hitting? And is there a note from your teacher? Nothing. I asked all the questions I could, and Little E did the best he could to explain, but since nothing had been explained to the class themselves other than RUN, he really had zero information to relay to me. So I emailed Ms. C, who didn’t even respond, but instead (since I’ve questioned her ONCE in the past, and I’m pretty sure she’s intimidated by me since I’m not a grade two-er she can boss around) she passed me off to a school counselor who replied with a half-baked email stating the privacy of our children is most important and the kids were safe at all times, and therefore nothing more would be provided to me.

Umm, no. That doesn’t answer my question. I understand if you have a special needs child who was perhaps having a seizure or something, but send an email or note home to the parents that an incident occurred that day so we aren’t wondering what happened. Especially in this day and age with all the ridiculousness that could potentially happen in schools. I just want to know, and be informed. So that I can know MY child is also safe. That way when I call Ms. C an idiot, at least I do it with all the correct backing knowledge lol. Anyways, it’s getting to the point, where I’m half considering moving Little E to a different class. Mainly because Ms. C is frustrating on so many levels and refuses to work with me. She won’t even respond to my emails, and it’s not like I’m hounding her, I’ve sent her 3 the entire year, and 2 were a back and forth conversation, the third most recent one she didn’t respond to. So most people I’ve discussed this with, think I should take it to the Principal. Thoughts?

Also, Christmas is coming up… so there’s that. My work is doing our thing this Saturday night which originally K said he would come to, but now he’s mad at me for something I legitimately don’t know what. And every time we talk since Friday when this ‘incident’ where I messed up doing I’m not sure what, because no matter how many times I ask he won’t say, he’s gotten more and more enraged. When I ask him to tell me what I did, he says I’m not an idiot I should know. He won’t just explain it to me. So, I’ve tried apologizing although I’m not sure what I’m saying sorry for and I think that makes him more mad each time I do. So then I don’t say anything and that also infuriates him, because he keeps asking if I have anything else to say, and since apologizing makes him mad, I don’t want to do that, but I honestly don’t know what he’s expecting at this point.  Unfortunately I’m not sure what to do now, and he’s at the point where he is so mad at me, that I feel a little uneasy. He’s speaking in terms that slightly scare me, so I’ve decided to take a step back. I have to protect myself and more importantly my children.

So because of that, unless there’s some sort of miracle, it looks like I’ll be going to my Christmas party solo for two years in a row… despite promises on his part denoting otherwise. I think he might honestly just be nervous to meet more people in my life and this might be his excuse. So I’ll just let him have it. Although he did come to my parents house for my birthday dinner with myself and the kids which was so nice of him. He met my parents for the first time and they loved him. He even went back the next day and lad lunch with my mom and worked on his resume alone with her… I can only imagine what they chatted about for that hour.

But anyways, I’ll probably also have to let the kids know that K won’t be coming to Christmas at my parents house on Christmas Eve because of this, which sucks because I know it’s my fault for getting their hopes up. It’s my fault for setting them up for disappointment, and I’ve learned my lesson. I just thought after a year and a half, I could trust him more.

I have only myself to blame for the feeling of hope my kids will lose. And as far as K and I go, if he wants to hold onto his anger, and won’t tell me what I did so I can at least get on the right track in rectifying it, then I just have to let him make his choice. If he chooses to stay mad, and not communicate, I will have nothing left but to choose to retreat.

Because at this point I see no other option.


-Shinedown/Second Chance-

So You’re Still Thinking Of Me/We Have So Much In Common We Argue All The Time

This is quite possibly shaping up to be on par with the shittiest week ever.

First (actually I don’t even remember what happened first anymore, but) Z got the chicken pox. So that threw a wrench in my week like nobody’s business. She obviously couldn’t be at daycare, plus I had to pull Little E from school and daycare just in case he was carrying the virus as well, since they didn’t want him also potentially infecting a bunch of kids. So that started on Monday with a phone call from the daycare followed up with a visit to the Doctor to confirm and then a stop at the pharmacy to stock up on calamine lotion and children’s Advil.

As the week has progressed, her symptoms haven’t been that bad and she’s actually almost over it, so I’m lucky it was a very mild case since she only ended up with maybe two dozen spots and no major fever. Also, Little E never ended up with a break out so that’s a blessing… maybe. I kinda was hoping they would get it at the same time so I don’t need to miss another week of work if he gets it at a different time but beggars can’t be choosers.

Anyways now that we got the all clear from the doctor, I decided to take the kids swimming today. Just to get out of the house and get my mind off everything else that’s been going on. I packed up the kids and since my weight loss I told them I’d have to make a quick stop at Walmart to grab a new swimsuit since I was fairly certain my old one wouldn’t fit. Either way I threw my old one in the swim bag and off we went. Walmart had two mismatched bottoms without tops left in their clearance section and that was it. So I figured I’d try my old bathing suit one last time since I’d already told the kids I’d take them to the pool and I didn’t want to let them down. We get to the pool, paid, and then I got both the kids ready and got my suit mostly on, when I realize one side of my halter strap is broken. And there was no way I could wear the suit without the strap since it’s about 2-3 sizes to big now and would end up around my waist without any support. So I had to explain to the kids that I tried my best, but all we could do now was play at the indoor playground.

Oh my goodness. I have raised such kind, understanding children. Little E was just like “it’s ok mom, you tried your best” and Z was like “we understand.” So we changed back into our street clothes and the kids are now running around a ridiculously busy playground.

While I write.

Which I need.

Because so many others things are fucked up.

I got an email from my lawyer yesterday? Two days ago? I don’t even remember now. But here it is.

Yeah. After E told me he signed all final documents with his lawyer, and I forwarded that email to my lawyer, he didn’t actually sign. I even had asked him a few days ago if he signed, and he lied outright and said yes, as well as confirmed on a phone call when he said he had done it.

So I’m trying to get ahold of E and he’s ignoring all my calls and messages.

I’m so beyond pissed at this excuse of a man. I just want to be done. I have just wanted to be done for years. So I replied to my lawyer with the exact screenshot as above and pretty much asked at what point do we stop allowing a severely mentally disabled person dictate how much longer this divorce will take. Like at what point can we file some contempt case or something. He’s obviously messing with the system and delaying the inevitable and it’s pissing everyone off.

Mine and his lawyer included now.

He’s just a never ending fountain of lies. And I was done with it long ago.

So in an effort to relax I tried going for a massage that K got me for my birthday while my mom was babysitting (Oh yeah, K and I are back on friendly terms since he got out). The massage was actually very relaxing and enjoyable, so then I decided to add on a facial on a whim. I figured why not, I hardly ever have a babysitter let me live a little. So while the lady left me for 10 minutes to let a moisturizing mask do it’s thing, I wanted to check my phone to see if my kids had phoned to call and say good night to them.

WELL, lol. I sat up and leaned towards my feet where my purse was and that’s when the WHOLE MASSAGE TABLE FLIPPED OVER and I ended up on the floor 😂😂. The massage table was folded in two and I spent the better part of 5 minutes hoping no one heard (fat chance) while trying to fix the table. Let’s just say it brought back all the stress (and more) that was just released during the massage lol. And to top it all off, when I finally called my kids, I had just missed them going to bed so it was all for naught.

Then, as an added bonus, when I went to pay for it all, the gift card K had given me didn’t even work so it just made a frustrating day even more so. Needless to say, I just went home and went straight to bed.

And, because that’s not enough, K has not been answering my calls tonight and I just really want a friend to talk to right now.

So that’s life lately.


-Khalid/Young Dumb & Broke-

She Holds The Hand That Holds Her Down She Will Rise Above Don’t Call Me Daughter Not Fit To

So I went for a follow up visit to my Naturopath this morning. And like she asks every 4 weeks when I’m there, she questioned how life is… how are my stress levels, what’s new, etc. And like every previous visit she is shocked by what is going on in my life and how there can possibly be so much change in one month.

My digestion, in my very humble opinion, was getting better for a little while. I think at least. But then since my last visit, just to much went on in my life and it took a definite turn for the worse. I found my stomach rumbling constantly and I was headed to the washroom to shit every couple hours just like old times.

So after going over my Dr’s notes with her, and comparing our timelines, we basically realized that my digestive issues are pretty much directly related to the amount of stress in my life. And since we all know I have a constant level of stress… well we can imagine how well I digest my food and get any nutritional value from anything I eat.

So once again she recommended a few meditation apps and did a few switches to the treatment I’m taking. Then I also got a concoction of vitamins shot into my rear end and I was on my way.

Well not quite. We did also discuss my mother a little first. I didn’t really want to out my mom and our situation to my Dr as my naturopath knows my mom, since she used to be a patient. But in taking about what was stressful in my life right now I did say my mom, which led her to say ‘What now?’ Yeah… my mothers been a reoccurring theme at that office lol. So I decided to explain to my Dr what the issue was and she was shocked.

Shocked that my mom would support not only Trump but the whole situation. I did explain that I’m not sure if my mom still supported Trump, being that I haven’t had a conversation with her since last week, but even the fact that she did, and said she had said that I was the one with the problem was enough for my Dr to be appalled. And to be honest, I kinda felt good hearing that from another person.

Until now, I haven’t discussed this issue with anyone in my life. I blocked my mom on Facebook and haven’t answered her calls this week. I just felt I needed some time to decide where I want our relationship to go from here, if we even are to continue with one. So when my Dr was shocked to hear that my mom was behaving like she is, I felt justified in a way. Like almost that I’m not being overly sensitive. That I should be offended, and I should take a stand on this, and to not back down.

Basically for the first time in this situation I felt more confidence. Because a wiser/older/smarter individual was thinking along the same lines as I was, and agreed with what I had to say. So I just appreciated that moment. She did give me some advice, asking first if I wanted it and saying she didn’t want to over step her boundaries hoping it wasn’t to much (which I appreciated) and suggested that I ask whichever ‘being’ I pray to for guidance. I told her that I stopped going to church a couple months ago, and she said she doesn’t believe in the principle of church either, but that there’s obviously good and evil in the universe we live in. And that something might be controlling it all, so it wouldn’t hurt to throw a ‘prayer’ out for guidance on how to handle this situation so I’m not overwhelmed by it.

So I appreciated her help… but I’m still not sure about the praying thing. I’ve been there and done that and, well, look at me now.

So I headed home and now had the mom thing on my mind again. Although now I felt more prepared to deal with it. Like I said I felt a little more confidence now that I knew… well at least felt like I was on the right side of the fence.

So once I got home I felt the urge to call my sister R, to see how she felt. R and my mom? Not the best of friends. They never really were but it completely broke down one year when I was in Kenya, although I don’t know all the details on the situation, because I only heard it from my mom over the phone, but… here goes….

Since R is married, she obviously had to split holidays between us and her husband J’s family. Well I guess this one Christmas, because of scheduling (plus my mom being pissed at me for being out of the country) it was becoming difficult for mom and R to pick a time/date that would work for everyone to meet for Christmas since R had to keep rescheduling because J’s family kept changing when they were having their family dinner. So what did my lovely mother do? Uninvited R and her family to Christmas.

So, I decided to call R to see how she handled keeping mom at a distance. Omg. She hadn’t even answered the phone yet and I’m getting all emotional. As soon as she said hi? I started crying. That damn vitamin shot. Every time I take it, it makes me so emotional, it’s ridiculous, which I forgot about until I’m bawling on the phone with R. She’s asking if I’m ok, since she’s probably never heard me cry so she must think something terrible is happening and I’m trying to explain that I’m fine, and nothing’s wrong, but I’m seriously crying so hard I sound like a seal giving birth.

So I take a solid two minutes to pull myself together, and manage to get out that nothing’s wrong, so she doesn’t panic. Once I’m in control again, I reassure her it’s nothing crazy just mom and she does the whole ‘Ohhh, go ahead’

So I explained pretty much what I posted here about how I told my mom the things she was constantly posting on Facebook were over the top and maybe she should step back and think a little more before posting things that could be construed as racist next time, and it really affects me because my kids are mixed race, and also just because common don’t be racist. I told R that as of right now mom is blocked and I’m not sure where to go from here.

So R’s advice is pretty much what I was moving towards anyways.

She said leave her blocked, because if she doesn’t understand by now she won’t change. But as far as removing her from yours and the kids life entirely? That’s pretty extreme. She recommended doing like she does. Have a surface relationship with mom. Nothing to deep. If mom invites you for a two hour lunch, say you only have time for a 30 minute coffee. And as far as what influence she may have on the kids? Ultimately mom loves the kids and would never want to hurt them, which I know. But in regards to morals and values that she may teach them? If she does spend time with Little E and Z and they learn something from her that goes against what I am teaching them, it is my job to show them differently. As it will be when they as presented with alternative opinions from any other source outside our home.

So essentially as their mother I have to show them the way I think is truest, but I can’t just hide them from the world. They will see these issues and difficulties and opinions eventually. So I might as well use it as an opportunity to teach my children that everyone has their own views and to start being able to make decisions on our own. For starters that everyone has different views on things and we don’t have to agree, and we can think they are wrong, but we don’t have to let the differences cause arguments. We can just choose to spend less time with those people and more time with the individuals who are more like minded to us, not like looking to us.


-Pearl Jam/Daughter-

Give Your All To Me I’ll Give My All To You Your My End And My Beginning Even When I Lose I’m Winning

You know what they say, picture or it didn’t happen 😏.

I meant to post yesterday, but just ended up being so busy with life that, well, here I am.

I did originally by the flowers for myself, as promised but since yesterday was Z’s birthday I decided to gift them to her by the time I got home. She was so excited but not as thrilled as she was when she opened her little kids makeup kit! I let her do her own as well as mine and needless to say we both looked like clowns by the end of it.

But I decided to give her the roses as more of a…lesson? Nah not really a lesson, but I want her to feel like she should have high expectations from people and that she deserves special things especially on days like her birthday.

When I was young I envisioned my husband taking our daughters out on dates while they are young, to teach them what they should expect and show them what it’s like to be treated respectfully by a man. To show them what they deserve, and so they can know what is good vs. crappy date behavior. Now, since Z’s dad is not around to do that, I still think it’s important for her to know, and also something for Little E to learn, how to treat a woman. So I gifted the flowers to her.

I heard a quote a few months back that I’m going to slaughter, but it was roughly like this;

“Don’t teach little girls that when a boy teases/bullies her it’s because he likes her, because then she’ll grow to learn that being bullied is the definition of love.”

This stood out to me like WOW! It made a lot of sense. Probably to me more than some of you, but it definitely was something I wanted to incorporate into my family. First to teach Z that love is love. Not teasing and bullying and name calling etc, and therefore she should never accept that from any man or woman for that matter. And next to show Little E more positive ways to express his emotions when he does start to have feelings for someone.

Anyways, keeping it super short and simple for today. If anyone knows the actual quote I’m trying (and probably failing miserably) to refer to, give me a shout.


-John Legend/All Of Me-