I Find Myself Longing For Change And In The Bad Times I Fear Myself

Monday I had a friend over and I got so drunk. Something I’ve done less than a handful of times in my entire life. Drinking is really not something I find desirable shall we say. Anyways, life has been stressing me out more than normal and so I just let it all go. Nothing crazy happened that night but I mention it only so that when I say I missed two calls from the prison, you’ll understand why. It’s because I was so drunk I spent the night caressing the porcelain throne as opposed to watching for calls lol.

I remember being slightly upset when I saw the missed calls on my phone but it was right when I started to feel sick and the nauseated feeling definitely outweighed the sorrow of missing a phone conversation.

Which brings us to Wednesday, when I’m at work. AT WORK!!! And the COMPANY PHONE RINGS, and its the prison number. At work, on the company phone. Not even my own personal cell phone number anymore. This time, it was a female prisoner calling from somewhere in the country (I can’t remember now but I know I recognized the name of the city at the time of the call) but it was registering as the same number that calls my phone. I guess all the prisons use the same outgoing number? I’m not sure. Either way, I answered the call. Apparently it was some girl looking for her aunt. She asked if I was Anne. Nope I’m not. Then she asked if I was someone else (can’t remember I was so in shock, like literally what in the world was going on) so I said no. And she said she was looking for her aunt and I said sorry I can’t help and basically hung up. I was at work and this was just getting crazy now. Then I just let out one of those shocked laugh/chuckle things which led my co-worker to ask what happened, so I explained what happened.

So my boss A storms around the corner ‘that’s not funny’ ‘this has to stop’ Insinuating that I’ve arranged this somehow, or I have power over when the phone rings. Look I’m at work doing my job answering the phone YOU told me to answer. But he just kept going on and on about how if ‘they’re tracking me, and now know where I work, and are calling me here, then they are probably tracking him and my co-worker and it puts everyone in danger’. Etc.

I’m like don’t flatter yourself buddy. Trust me. No one has any interest in you. But good to know your a little bitch who lives in fear. But instead of feed his fear, I did my best to calm him down and explain it was a misdial and it was a girl from a different prison and she was looking for her aunt and all I did was answer the call so he backed off. For the moment. But then throughout the day he used our inter-office messaging system and it kept popping up on my computer…

‘Any more calls like that and you must report them to me immediately’

‘The likelihood of those calls being unrelated are highly unlikely’

I just kept thinking dude just back off and let me do my work. Right now, your causing more of a disturbance and threat to my peace than those calls ever did. I’m sorry you search out fear and panic, but I’m just going to move on and forget about it. If something happens then I’ll deal with it then. But for now, I’ve got enough REAL junk in my life that I’m not gonna create delusional shit in my mind.

So. Lol. Anyone else have ‘random’ prison calls at work and home?

-Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper / Shallow-

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My Cousins Are Crazy / When I Started Out I Just Took What They Gave Me / When You Livin Like This You Supposed To Hate

Caller #3.

Last night I got a call from the prison again. Which I thought (again) was weird when I saw the number show up on my phone. For so many reasons I’m sure you could guess, but the main one being that T (the guy who wrote the phone number wrong last week, for his friend to call) got out on Monday which I found out when he called to tell me he got out early, so I had no connection at this point with anyone in the joint.

No, I really don’t care that much about T, but again I was being nice. He called me from a blocked number, which I’ve learned is pretty standard prison issue (and therefore couldn’t call back to bitch about after the below happened) The call was cut short, because he was headed to visit his family… still not sure why he called me before his family, but guys will be guys. So anyways, T is out, so who could possibly be calling me now?

Well I accept the call, and get a shady af explanation.

Hello?

Hi… You don’t know me but my name is Caller #3 and I got your number from G and my cousin and he said your good peoples (ugh, prison grammer), and so I know this is weird but I was wondering if maybe you could help me.

WHAT? G as in K/G? There is no fucking way he gave you my number to call.

So Caller #3 continues:

I just got off the phone with my cousin M who said you helped out a friend and you might help me out.

Now I’m so confused. I’ve never heard of this cousin of his, so I’m trying to understand how in the world he could vouch for me, saying I’m a good person to talk to, while at the same time beyond embarrassed by even the remote possibility that K knows about last weeks call. So I’m GRILLING Caller #3 to try to find out as many details as I can, and basically all he’s saying is that he just got off the phone with his cousin two seconds ago (Who again I have NO CLUE who he is, even after he goes into detail about who his cousin is dating and what he looks like etc, it all just confuses me more) and all Caller #3 is saying is that his cousin gave him my number to call.

How in the world did his cousin M give Caller #3 my number if I don’t even know who M is? How many guys have my number and are saying I’m a good person to talk to? Then Caller #3 confirms that yes, for sure K/G knows about last week, but he wouldn’t expand on it. So now I’m just like who the fuck is spilling the beans after I specifically asked them to keep their big ass mouths shut? Like I thought this was prison culture. Don’t say anything more than necessary/zip your lip. This? This was never necessary to speak on. Caller #3 kinda gave the vibe off that the whole situation from last week made its way around the block and my phone number is a valuable commodity in the prison now.

So there’s that.

Anyways, once I get over my initial frustration of someone leaking my info, I remember that there’s a guy on the phone who’s calling to ask for help.

So then I asked him what he was in for, and he’s like oh you’re just gonna jump right in like that hey? So I get straight to it. I basically tell him the reason I’m a good person to talk to is because I’ll keep it real and I expect the same in return, and no matter what, I’ll do my best not to judge, offer an opinion? Yes, but I’ll try not to judge. So if I ask a question, just answer. Honestly. I’ll give my heartfelt true advice, which doesn’t mean I’m right obviously, but I’m not going to beat around the bush either. So he said that’s cool, and then proceeds to inform me that he’s two years into a 12 year sentence for Manslaughter.

Well now.

To be honest, there was a slight lump in my throat, but I managed to keep it together, as he told me his quick version of the events, and then we moved on. People are people and they either make mistakes, or they make decisions. Being drunk or sober, you chose to get to that state and now here you are. Having taken someones life.But at the same time I was pissed. Who thinks it’s ok to be giving my phone number out around the PRISON! To people who have been found guilty of killing people? This is putting myself and my kids at potential risk! So I made a huge mental note about who much to reveal of myself, and figured he’s already gotten my phone number now so I might as well help out anyway I can. If I can be a friend for one person, and make that one small change in his life, maybe I’ve done a little good in the world for today.

Either way, this guy too had an issue about how his girlfriend had dumped him.

Guys. In my opinion, if your life path leads you to prison, and the girl you were with was only your girlfriend, I think it’s completely within her right to break up with you. If you were really interested in that relationship, you would’ve focused on it more BEFORE you made the decisions that lead you to be locked up. If she chooses to stay with you through your stint, than create what beauty you can outta that and remember what a solid girl you have. But if your choices led you to prison, then her choices can also lead her wherever she chooses after that. At this point she’s not your wife, you didn’t make that move to solidify your relationship and so she has not made any vow to you in any capacity to stick by you in thick or thin etc. So if she chooses to respectfully break up and move on to someone who can fulfill her life and make her happy in the ways she want to live her life, you cannot stop her. Continued phone calls etc, are probably not a good idea either. Sure a letter here or there for her birthday to maintain a friendship would be nice unless she explicedly requests for you not to, but she has chosen for you to not be her man. You have to accept that. Just like she had to accept that you made a choice to do something illegal knowing that the chance was there to potentially take you away from her for a long time to maybe forever, yet you chose that over her regardless. How was she supposed to feel?

Grand gestures to “Win her back” are probably not worth it. She’s moved on. She’s allowed to make her choices, just as you made yours. Save your big moves for a new girl who you can form a new solid relationship with from the start. And this time, choose her always. ALWAYS chose the girl over the stupidity that could take you away from the girl. Then neither of you will be stuck in a situation where this kind of decision has to be made.

Anyways, that’s just my opinion.

In the mean time, I’m not sure how I feel knowing I’m slowly becoming the prison therapist.

Unless there’s a salary connected to it?


-Drake & Lil Baby / Yes Indeed-

 

Figures, I Gave You Ride Or Die And You Gave Me Games/Love Figures I Gave You All And You Gave Me Shit

I’ve never felt so outright disrespected probably ever, at least that I can remember. W? He was killed. E? Never knew what he was doing. But this? This is K actively being… well just awful.

So the mess with K? Well I’ve been working behind the scene trying to get word to him. Making sure he knew that he needed to add people to his contact list and all that jazz.

Just a refresher though…
K asked me originally to track down his final check from work and send him the money. So I’m thinking he’s expecting something from me in the mail to be delivered to the prison, and therefore will want my name added to his list of approved contacts. Sounds logical right? To me it does.

Well not only was the original money order ($100 out of my own pocket just so he would have something) I sent returned to me because he hasn’t added my name to his approved list, but when I tried to get word to K about the approved contact list, because in my mind I’m thinking he must not know about it if he hasn’t already added my name… he called yesterday to basically piss all over me about it.

Saying no, don’t bother with the money anymore, keep it for him in the bank (yeah right) he’s had my address memorized the whole time…and he’ll call me when he gets out. He doesn’t want me to be anymore involved in this prison stuff.

Fuck no!

Who does he think he is? Making that choice for me, about when our relationship/friendship/fucked up life goes on hold? On the call yesterday he revealed that he’d been calling everyone EXCEPT me. And all this time, I’m writing him, and trying to do what I can to support him, and now he’s throwing it in my face. I don’t even know how, but somehow it’s my fault for trying to be there for him.

He told me months ago how his ex twisted things for him the first time he went in, messed shit up on the outside and played with some shit that screwed him over, and I was trying instead to do the exact opposite of that. But apparently he’s been calling the ex (and everyone else) and she’s been twisting my words and making me look like scum and he’s just eating it up, without a second thought. He didn’t even bother to ask me what happened between me and the ex when we chatted on the phone, he just took whatever she said at face value, even knowing that she’s already fucked him over before.

I’m like wow. You just believe everything she said point blank. You haven’t even called me. You asked me to do these few things for you and when I try and follow them through, you shit all over me.
Then you say you’ll call me when your out, like that should be some gift to me.

No thanks.

A few people have said things along the lines of guys don’t like to mix the life inside with out here and try to just do their time, then move on when they get out. People who don’t even know K and I and all that’s happened. And if that was the case, I MIGHT have been more understanding. But nope. He seems perfectly comfortable mixing the two worlds when he calls his family or friends from back home or his ex, who already messed up prison for him once. So like what the fuck.

It’s a damn privilege to have someone like me in your life and you K… just fucked yourself over. I literally would’ve been a ride or die. So to choose to push me aside? Dumb.


-Jessie Reyez/Figures-

Figures
I gave you ride or die and you gave me games
Love figures
I know I’m crying ’cause you just won’t change
Love figures
I gave it all and you gave me shit
Love figures
I wish I could do exactly what you did
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn’t get me back
You’re the one who’s gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn’t get me back
That’s what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures
I’m the bad guy ’cause I can’t learn to trust
Love figures
You say sorry once and you think it’s enough
I got a lineup of girls and a lineup of guys
Begging for me just to give ’em a try
Figures
I’m willing to stay
‘Cause I’m sick for your love
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn’t get me back
You’re the one who’s gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn’t get me back
That’s what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures

I’m Not Gonna Tell You That I’m Over It, I Think About It Every Night I’m Not Sober / If I’m Being Honest

So Army Guy convinced me to go for lunch. And now he’s late. My fricken number one pet peeve is people who are late. Like seriously how special do you think you are that you feel you can make people wait for you?

Ohh wait, he just called (already 10 minutes late) to say he’s just pulling in. Hmmmm not too impressed. I’ll let you know how it goes.


Well lunch was decent. Nothing out of the ordinary bad, but nothing exciting good either. I definitely get the STRONG impression that Army Guy (who only gets that name because he’s also a K… Were K names big in the 80’s?) only wants to have sex. Like I’m sorry that your super horny but it’s not my problem you haven’t had sex in however long and I just got laid like last week… (Yeaaaaa, boyfriend request guy? I invited him over to talk that night, and well, we all know how that normally ends up, especially since I’ve already slept with him) So anyways, it’s not up to me to make sure Army Guy gets laid. I decided I wanna try the whole dating thing, and if he can’t be patient, then move along, because I sure will.

Also… Oh Man. I got home yesterday and had an express post package in my mailbox from the institution K is at. For a brief moment I had so many emotions flood my mind. First I thought maybe he wrote finally, but why express post? Then I thought it might be the prison notifying me of something wrong. I opened that package so fast!

Welp. It was the money order I sent over two weeks ago to K.

At first glance I thought K was so mad at me he refused the money I sent, but then I saw a letter from the prison.  The institution had filled out a form saying the correspondence wouldn’t be accepted because I was not on the inmates list of approved contacts, and therefore they were returning it to the original sender.

OH. MY. GOSH! It explains soooo many things.

So now, I’m back to texting the Ex, and the best friend, explaining what happened. Basically, K can’t call anyone without cash in his inmate account, and I thought he had money this whole time. But the tricky thing is, that we cannot contact him to tell him to add our name/address to his “approved list”

To be quite honest, I don’t think he even knows he needs to put people’s names of this “list” because he’s been expecting me to send him money from the jump, when I finally got his final pay check from his work. So this thing has been one shit show after another.

K is probably sitting in a cell, thinking everyone’s abandoned him. Thinking no ones cared enough to send money or write to him. When the reality of it is, the institution hasn’t taken the correct steps to make sure K knows what he needs to do, to receive the money/letters on his end.

So I asked the Ex to spread the word to his family and friends in case he does call anyone, to have them tell K to contact whoever he wants on his list, and get their address. So then at least he can receive things from them.

As for K and I?

Well this does help explain why he hasn’t called. And maybe I did judge him to fast. Also, unfortunately for Army Guy and every other guy I’ve been talking to, I can’t help but compare every thing they do to K. Mostly when they act like douche bags… My first thought is K would never treat me like that.

Maybe he wrecked me for good. Maybe I need more time to get over him. Maybe this is the Universes way of saying I shouldn’t even try to get over him, that we were meant to be together, because as soon as I sent that letter on Sunday, all this stuff that kept drawing me back to him started happening.

For someone who prefers a nice quiet life, this sure is a lot of drama for me.


-Chainsmokers/Honest-

Am I Out Of My Mind? If You Only Knew The Bad Things I Like Don’t Think That I Can Explain It. What Can I Say, It’s Complicated

So I’ve been in and out of touch with K since he first got re-arrested. I’m sorry I don’t remember where I left off with this story so if I repeat myself or miss a whole chunk (hopefully not) please forgive me.

The last time I heard from him was Monday when he called again after he’d been transferred to the federal prison a couple hours away, to check how it was going with me getting his final pay check for him. But I’ll be honest… I was kinda pissed at him for his call on Saturday. All because he three-way’d me from a chicks phone to let me know he was transferred there and to at least touch base.

But, being the girl I am, I took Saturdays call way out of context and let my imagination get the best of me. Without asking who was on the three-way call on Saturday while it was happening, I assumed the worst and after I got off the phone I looked up the #. Mainly because during the very first phone call after K got locked up, he mentioned something about only writing down 5 numbers to have with him, mine being one of them. When I asked him what other numbers he had saved, he avoided the question a few times. So I knew there was something he’d rather I not know… which obviously made me want to know it even more lol. So when he three way’d me, my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know who else he was calling from prison. I took the number that showed up on my phone Saturday and through my WhatsApp found it belonged to some girl here in my city. Yep. I wasn’t happy. So all day Saturday and Sunday after his call I spent pretty much brooding about that.

Then by the time he called Monday to see if I had had a chance to call his boss and pick up his final pay check for him which I had told him I’d do, I told him I was pissed at him.

He was like for what!?! He’s like I’m seriously stuck here? What could I have possibly done wrong? He explained that he didn’t have a lot of time because he was calling from some officers office phone to check in on me and so he had to make it quick, but wanted to deal with why I was mad.

So I explained that I was upset he called me three way from some random girls number and I don’t want to be second to anyone (Oh man I”m such a bitch). Like if you wanna talk to me, then call me. First. Not as some afterthought while your chatting up another woman.

Ohhh man.

He was not too happy 😐. He’s like OMG C, I had to ask a guy here if I could jump on his call to his chick, then asked her to call you, just so I could talk to you, because I have no money/credit for the phone! I’m trying to call you any way I can and your being all fucking emotional about everything. I can’t deal with this right now I have enough shit in here I have to deal with. Then he threatened to not call me anymore. He actually said if I was going to be like this, then this was the last time I would hear from him the whole time he was in there, because it was stressful enough enough without all my additional fuckery.

So I calmed him down and said it was within my right to ask who the person was that was on the phone listening while we were talking on Saturday. And that yeah, I probably blew it out of proportion (which I did), but if he had just told me when he called what was happening, like while the three way was going on, I would’ve understood and there would’ve been no misunderstanding. Something like, Hi C it’s K I’m calling three way with another guys girl, because I have no credit. It’s really stressing me out which is why it would mean a lot to me if you could get me my money from my pay check ASAP.

Anyways, I read through the lines… since that decidedly did not happen like that lol and I have been calling his boss on average 5 times a day and I am continually sent to voicemail, so I’ve yet to get his final check. But I totally get that he needs the money. So I did about an hours worth of research to figure out how to get him money on Monday. His ex also texted me that afternoon (she had my number from when K and I three way’d her the week prior) to see if I had heard from him and how he was doing. He had just said that if I needed help figuring out how to get the money to him that she might be able to help since she had done it last time when he was first locked up years back. Although lol he did make a comment about not answering too many of her questions, he obviously didn’t want me getting tight with his ex. So after I did my research and found that a money order was best, I ran it through the ex to make sure what I had found was all kosher and she said that it would work. I explained that he hadn’t called her yet because he had no money but I was working on getting him some so hopefully he can be calling people directly soon.

I walked to the post office during my break that afternoon and sent a $100 money order from my own account to him at the institution just to try it out. I wanted to make sure the address was correct and that it was going to get where it needed to go. I also read during my research that inmates need to have a list of approved contacts of people they can receive money etc from. So I didn’t want to send a large amount, in case K hadn’t had a chance to add me to his list, and then what happens to the money?

So anyways… the money was sent on Monday, which means it should arrive anytime now. I have no idea how long it takes the institution to process mail, and then get the money into his account if everything goes well.

All I know is that I haven’t heard from him since Monday.

Whether that’s because he has no money, or got sent to the hole, or is sticking by his word to not call me for the remainder of his stint… or maybe even he got the money, saw it was only $100 and thought I was cheating him by keeping most of his check and only sending $100… who knows.

But I’m not holding my breath for a call.

Remember… he said he loves me but no strings attached.


-Machine Gun Kelly Ft. Camila Cabello/Bad Things-