Figures, I Gave You Ride Or Die And You Gave Me Games/Love Figures I Gave You All And You Gave Me Shit

I've never felt so outright disrespected probably ever, at least that I can remember. W? He was killed. E? Never knew what he was doing. But this? This is K actively being… well just awful.

So the mess with K? Well I've been working behind the scene trying to get word to him. Making sure he knew that he needed to add people to his contact list and all that jazz.

Just a refresher though…
K asked me originally to track down his final check from work and send him the money. So I'm thinking he's expecting something from me in the mail to be delivered to the prison, and therefore will want my name added to his list of approved contacts. Sounds logical right?

Well not only was the money order I sent returned to me, but when I tried to get word to K about the approved contact list, because in my mind I'm thinking he must not know about it if he hasn't already added my name… he called yesterday to basically piss all over me.

Saying no, don't bother with the money, keep it for him (yeah right) he's known my address the whole time…and he'll call me when he gets out.

Fuck no!

Who does he think he is? Making that choice for me, about when our relationship/friendship/fucked up life goes on hold? On the call yesterday he revealed that he'd been calling everyone EXCEPT me. And all this time, I'm writing him, and trying to do what I can to support him, and now he's throwing it in my face. I don't even know how, but somehow it's my fault for trying to be there for him.

He told me months ago how his ex twisted things for him the first time he went in, messed shit up on the outside and played with some shit that screwed him over, and I was trying instead to do the exact opposite of that. But apparently he's been calling the ex (and everyone else) and she's been twisting my words and making me look like scum and he's just eating it up, without a second thought.

I'm like wow. You just believe everything she said point blank. You haven't even called me. You asked me to do these few things for you and when I try and follow them through, you shit all over me.
Then you say you'll call me when your out, like that should be some gift to me.

No thanks.

A few people have said things along the lines of guys don't like to mix the life inside with out here and try to just do their time, then move on when they get out. People who don't even know K and I and all that's happened. And if that was the case, I MIGHT have been more understanding. But nope. He seems perfectly comfortable mixing the two worlds when he calls his family or friends from back home or his ex, who already messed up prison for him once. So like what the fuck.

It's a damn privilege to have someone like me in your life and you K… just fucked yourself over.

-Jessie Reyez/Figures-

Figures
I gave you ride or die and you gave me games
Love figures
I know I'm crying 'cause you just won't change
Love figures
I gave it all and you gave me shit
Love figures
I wish I could do exactly what you did
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn't get me back
You're the one who's gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn't get me back
That's what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures
I'm the bad guy 'cause I can't learn to trust
Love figures
You say sorry once and you think it's enough
I got a lineup of girls and a lineup of guys
Begging for me just to give 'em a try
Figures
I'm willing to stay
'Cause I'm sick for your love
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn't get me back
You're the one who's gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn't get me back
That's what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures

Am I Out Of My Mind? If You Only Knew The Bad Things I Like Don’t Think That I Can Explain It. What Can I Say, It’s Complicated

So I’ve been in and out of touch with K since he first got re-arrested. I’m sorry I don’t remember where I left off with this story so if I repeat myself or miss a whole chunk (hopefully not) please forgive me. 

The last time I heard from him was Monday when he called again after he’d been transferred to the federal prison a couple hours away, to check how it was going with me getting his final pay check for him. But I’ll be honest… I was kinda pissed at him for his call on Saturday. All because he three-way’d me from a chicks phone to let me know he was transferred there and to at least touch base. 

But, being the girl I am, I took Saturdays call way out of context and let my imagination get the best of me. Without asking who was on the three-way call on Saturday while it was happening, I assumed the worst and after I got off the phone I looked up the #. Mainly because during the very first phone call after K got locked up, he mentioned something about only writing down 5 numbers to have with him, mine being one of them. When I asked him what other numbers he had saved, he avoided the question a few times. So I knew there was something he’d rather I not know… which obviously made me want to know it even more lol. So when he three way’d me, my curiosity got the best of me and I wanted to know who else he was calling from prison. I took the number that showed up on my phone Saturday and through my WhatsApp found it belonged to some girl here in my city. Yep. I wasn’t happy. So all day Saturday and Sunday after his call I spent pretty much brooding about that. 

Then by the time he called Monday to see if I had had a chance to call his boss and pick up his final pay check, I told him I was pissed at him. 

He was like for what!?! He’s like I’m seriously stuck here? What could I have possibly done wrong? He explained that he didn’t have a lot of time because he was calling from some officers office phone and so he had to make it quick, but wanted to deal with why I was mad. 

So I explained that I was upset he called me three way from some random girls number and I don’t want to be second to anyone. Like if you wanna talk to me, then call me. First. Not as some afterthought while your chatting up another woman. 

Ohhh man. 

He was not too happy ūüėź. He’s like OMG C, I had to ask a guy here if I could jump on his call to his chick, then asked her to call you, so I could talk to you, because I have no money/credit for the phone! I’m trying to call you any way I can and your being all fucking emotional about everything. I can’t deal with this right now I have enough shit in here I have to deal with. Then he threatened to not call me anymore. He actually said if I was going to be like this, then this was the last time I would hear from him the whole time he was in there, because it was stressful enough enough without all my additional fuckery. 

So I calmed him down and said it was within my right to ask who the person was that was on the phone listening while we were talking on Saturday. And that yeah, I probably blew it out of proportion, but if he had just told me when he called what was happening, like while three way was going on, I would’ve understood and there would’ve been no misunderstanding. Something like, Hi C it’s K I’m calling three way with another guys girl, because I have no credit. It’s really stressing me out which is why it would mean a lot to me if you could get me my money ASAP. 

Anyways, I read through the lines… since that decidedly did not happen like that lol and I have been calling his boss on average 5 times a day and I am continually sent to voicemail, so I’ve yet to get his check. But I totally get that he needs the money. So I did about an hours worth of research to figure out how to get him money on Monday. His ex also texted me that afternoon (she had my number from when K and I three way’d her the week prior) to see if I had heard from him and how he was doing. He had just said that if I needed help figuring out how to get the money to him that she might be able to help since she had done it last time. Although lol he did make a comment about not answering too many of her questions. So after I did my research and found that a money order was best, I ran it through the ex to make sure what I had found was all kosher and she said that it would work. I explained that he hadn’t called her yet because he had no money but I was working on getting him some so hopefully he can be calling people directly soon. 

I walked to the post office during my break that afternoon and sent a $100 money order to him at the institution just to try it out. I wanted to make sure the address was correct and that it was going to get where it needed to go. I also read during my research that inmates need to have a list of approved contacts of people they can receive money etc from. So I didn’t want to send a large amount, but then K hadn’t had a chance to add me to his list, and then what happens to the money? 

So anyways… the money was sent on Monday, which means it should arrive anytime now. I have no idea how long it takes the institution to process mail, and then get the money into his account if everything goes well. 

All I know is that I haven’t heard from him since Monday. 

Weather that be because he has no money, or got sent to the hole, or is sticking by his word to not call me for the remainder of his stint… or maybe even he got the money, saw it was only $100 and thought I was cheating him by keeping most of his check and only sending $100… who knows. 

But I’m not holding my breath for a call. 

Remember… no strings attached. 
-Machine Gun Kelly Ft. Camila Cabello/Bad Things-

If I Got Locked Away And We Lost it All Today Tell Me Honestly, Would You Still Love Me The Same?

He called. 

Finally. Right in the middle of my Canada Day family gathering with everyone over at my place. On a line where I could barely hear anything, but it didn’t matter because he called. 

So I can put to rest some imaginary situations my very active mind had thought up in the last few days, and just appreciate the call for now. Just enjoy the fact that even though it took 4 days, he’s been going through way more during the last little while than I have, yet he still managed to ask how little E and Z were doing. 

The call was super quick since I was hosting dinner for about 16 people in my tiny townhouse, and there wasn’t much spare quite time, but I asked him how he was and to see if he was ok. He was honest and said it fuckin sucked… not that I expect anything different. I don’t expect him to be thrilled to be there, living the dream type thing. Mainly I want to make sure he’s safe, so to hear his voice, and to hear him say that yeah it sucks, tears me apart inside because I know it must be awful, and that I can’t do anything to help makes it even worse. 

But on the other hand, the other very selfish hand… I’m elated that he called. Because the worst thought that crossed my mind was what if he doesn’t call? What if either he was using me and this is his way out? Because I can’t track him down and have no way of finding him one day so if he was done with me this was his perfect opportunity to “ghost” me. Or he wasn’t using me, but still decided he was done because wanted a fresh start after his warrant was up, same outcome, he could’ve easily not contacted me, and I wouldn’t have been able to track him down, so it would have been the end. 

So, I’m just happy he called. Because now I can put those things behind me. Plus I got to hear his laugh. Now, hopefully I can be a better conversationalist next time he calls, instead of having to hang up after a few short minutes because I have company. 
-R. City/Locked Away-

Where Did I Go Wrong I Would Have Stayed Up With You All Night Had I Known How to Save a Life

I fucken messed up. Majorly. Not just something simple that I could fix with an apology. But I messed up someone’s everyday living.

I didn’t tell the whole story about last Friday with K and I.

Yes, K came over and told me he loved me. Yes, he said no strings attached. Yes, the sex was amazing. But I left out the fact that I was already high when he came over. I also left out the fact that he also got high when he arrived.

Now I only smoke weed. Nothing to serious, and I do so quite often as I’ve found that it’s not only enjoyable, but has seriously helped with my headaches that my seizures cause. K’s drug of choice is a little more illicit, although in the end I guess it wouldn’t have mattered, because K is still on parole, which means no drugs or alcohol of any sort.

Last time K had a close call he swore off it until he was at least done his parole, and he was following his promise to a T. Until I started messing around with us and writing basically any/all of my posts from last week. They led him to both finally say I love you to me. but also get high again.

I know it’s his own choice and I cannot stop him, which although I mention it, I don’t attempt to grab the pipe out of his hands, because I know ultimately it’s his choice, just like me getting high of marijuana is my choice. But I can’t help thinking I did not at all help the situation.

The reason this is so important? Because¬†yesterday he had to do another urine¬†test for parole, which he was quite confident he would fail.¬†And he wanted to go¬†on the run which since I’ve¬†never been to¬†prison I¬†don’t know his thought process, but it must suck to consider going on the run for the rest of your life instead of going back for the remainder of your warrant, which in his case is about 10 months. I told him it wasn’t worth it, and that I would come visit¬†him, and that he still has the rest of his life ahead of him… and¬†that was it… he had to go saying he would call me.

No call all night,¬†until this morning, where he tells me he talked again to his Parole Officer and she says that she would talk to her supervisor but¬†didn’t think there was much she could do. He also told me if I visited him,¬†he would hate me forever. Probably because he doesn’t want me to see him like that, which is ridiculous, but I’ll respect it.

But¬†then it happened. A single Instagram post with the cops outside his window saying “I’m gon”

And now?

Now I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had to get ahold of anyone in jail before. I don’t know what to do. And the thing is,¬†it’s been so¬†rough the last maybe week, all because of me, and I can’t¬†help but think, if I had handled things better, then¬†maybe he would’ve handled things differently, and the result would be far from here.

All I know is I still love him. All I wanted this whole time was to hear him say it to me. Those 3 simple words. And he did, because he realized how much I needed it.¬†Yet¬†I feel in a way it cost him his freedom. And I feel¬†awful. Love shouldn’t¬†put people behind bars. Love should make people feel¬†freer than they ever have.

So now all I can do is wait. Wait for him to reach out to me, when he can. Hoping he doesn’t hate me. I didn’t mean to mess this all up for him. I honestly want to me there for him, but unlike last time when he thought he was going back, and was asking me to help out with a couple things, this time was nothing. I reminded him again and again I would help him with whatever, but I feel like he was pushing me away.

So now, all I can do is wait. And hope he’s okay.

Like I said, I messed up big time.

 

-The Fray/How To Save A Life-

I Remember All the Feelings and the Day They Stopped

Last summer, after I bought my own house (Yeah me!), I fell back into old habits (Boo me). Like they say, old habits die hard. I hadn’t slept with anyone since I had left E almost 2.5 years ago, since I had more important things to focus on.  So I was just really wanting that feeling of someone else in bed with me. I was looking for a companion… kinda. Nah that’s a lie. Lol I just wanted to be fucked really good. You know that really good sex where you forget everything else that’s happening in the world and its just your body feeling so far beyond sensational you can’t move… That’s what I wanted. I wanted mind blowing sex that would make me forget my crappy life. A lot to ask for from a guy I most likely met 5 minutes before, but I was willing to take on that challenge. So of course I started looking in all the wrong places, which lead me to all the wrong guys. Duh.

With most of the guys I’ve slept with since last summer (2016) I’ve held my hard and fast rule of one and done. We had our one night stand and you were half decent, but it wasn’t the scandalous, mind blowing night I was looking for, so I’m moving on. Most.

But one guy wouldn’t take no for an answer. He was looking for friends and connections too, and it had been a while since he’d slept with someone as well. For reasons very different from mine. K (or C.J./F.P./G… seriously who the fuck needs that many names? Figure out who you are and run with it.) had just gotten out of prison. Yea, I know how to pick ’em hey. But for real, I don’t judge anyone on anything. I have my own messed up past, who am I to judge.

Anyways we hooked up for the first time back in August and then somehow it never stopped. He called like a week later and I was honestly surprised to hear from him. He convinced me that for some reason we needed each other at that time. Then the calls continued and I started enjoying the late night chats. Then the meet ups became more and more frequent. We have both been through a shit ton of crap in our respective lives and it’s like we could understand each other without judgement. I thought.

We went out one time together in October. I had gotten tickets from work to an Opera and K agreed to go with me. Ohhhh that night. lol. I put way more effort into it then it was worth. At this time I had considered a relationship with K, but he was adamant about it only being a friends with benefits type thing. Which he told me flat out at the beginning. I was totally cool with that, but I was getting attached. It’d been so long since a guy had treated me with any type of kindness and I completely let unwarranted emotion overrun me. In more recent months, when I think about it, I realize the fruitlessness of K and I ever being anything long-term, but back then, I was still in the mindset of anything was better then nothing.

So at the Opera, I was actually really excited to spend the night with him and to see how it went. K, on the other hand was super nervous. Let’s just say he’s not the Opera type. He’d just spent 4.5 years in prison, and before that it’s not like he lived in the classy suburbs and frequented upper class shit like this. I didn’t either, but I think I was a little more prepared then him. He was so concerned about being the only black person there and felt so uncomfortable that he never even noticed how I had bought a new dress or straightened my hair, or any of the things about me that night.

So, I tried to make him feel at ease, stopping for food for him, even though it was going to make us late, which is a HUGE pet peeve of mine. Giving him a hand job during the performance. Making sure he had a couple drinks to relax, even though it was against his parole (not my problem). Then after the Opera, we went for pizza, and messed around outside the pizza joint before he had to head home. And that was my night. To be honest it was fun, even when he was swearing during the Opera and everyone was looking. ūüėČ

Not fun though? Was when I got pregnant around Christmas. It was super stressful for myself and K too I’m sure. I’m already a single mom of 2 kids and although I’m not a fan of abortion, I also am not prepared for a third right now. Some day, maybe. Not now though. K said he would go with me if I wanted to handle it. He said he would be with me the whole time. Turns out I lost it on my own. When I say on my own, I mean it completely alone. K made me PROVE it to him! I had to send pictures to him of my tampon covered in blood. It was a humiliating time. I had awful cramping and just felt like crap, and K just wanted proof. I had to deal with it lying in bed by myself. It wasn’t good. Shortly after, K decided it would be better if we stopped messing around, and were just friends. Fine, whatever. (Every little bit of attitude intended)

So we were just friends. And somewhere during this time, I made an awful mistake and introduced K to my kids. I will always regret this, because my kids love him, and I know how much it will hurt them when he’s done his parole and heads back home. He’s really good with them, and they have so much fun with him, that it hurts me to think about the pain they will go through when he leaves. They have no role model in their dad, and I’m not saying K is a great role model, but he spends time with them and makes them feel special when he’s around, which is more then their father has ever done. Little E wants to call K constantly, and I have to always make excuses about “K is working or busy” And Z is learning about family and always includes K in her list of family. Plus now recently she’s been making a list of who she wants to invite to her 4th birthday party. Yep you guessed it, K made it on the list. Front and center.  I’ve tried talking to K about cutting off this friendship entirely (Something I’ve tried a couple times) to avoid the kids any deeper pain, but he keeps convincing me it’s better to have it for now then nothing at all or something like that. I dunno…

Either way, sometime in Feb/March, our whole platonic friendship plan was thrown out the window again. He came over to watch a movie… and a drink or two was involved, and then clothes were off. Which led to whole emotional (on my part) conversations, and me feeling ridiculous. Because the reason he wanted to be just friends in the first place was because he didn’t feel like he was in a good place for a relationship now. But felt good enough to get back together with an old girlfriend for a few weeks while we were chill. It just brought back all the old feelings of “I’m not good enough” again.

Like seriously what the fuck is so wrong with me that I’m undateable? Whatever.

The whole reason I started this particular post though, was because last night, K called. He said he can’t read my blog anymore. K is the only one in my life I have told about my blog and who knows me personally that reads it. Because we’ve been through enough together, and on my part I just tell him like it is, and he knows most of the junk in my life anyways… He tells me some of the stuff in his life but I also know he keeps a shit ton of it away from me.

Now, apparently, my life is to crappy for him to read. He once told me he would be there for me no matter what, even when he goes back home next year. But now, he can’t even be supportive over the fucking internet let alone from back home. It’s like what am I supposed to say to that? Sorry my shitty life is to difficult for you to READ? Try living it?

I have always been there to support K, even when I didn’t want to. Even when he went through messed up junk I didn’t want to take part in. Because I thought that’s what friends did. I supported him even when he told me about why he went to prison, or even things he didn’t go to prison for. I was there for him during his search to get a job, and his struggles to adjust to life outside prison. I was there for him when he broke up with his girlfriend (although I told him honestly that it was hard for me to be objective in that circumstance because I was glad they broke up). I was there for him when he knew he was going to fail a piss test and thought he was going to get sent back to max. I watched him sleep on my couch for almost an hour to make sure he was still breathing after he had drank bleach to try and alter the urine sample (on the stupid advice of some other chick). All the while thoughts going through my head about what if he dies on my lap. Even simple stuff like going out to buy cables and driving over to boost his car. I’ve tried my best to be a good friend.

But no, he can’t read a post every once in a while. Among many other things I’ve realized. Like cancelling on important banquets he promised (actually promised) to come to. Or agreeing to go to the shooting range only to bail out once he found out other friends would be there. Or May 19… It’s like being seen in public with me is to difficult for him. 

Fine, I don’t want to ask to much of one man. But I thought if anyone could somewhat understand a life with as much pain as mine, it would be K. 

Wrong again.

We may be kindred spirits so to say, but we are not on the same level. 

-Our Lady Peace/Innocent-