I’ll Take A Breath, I’ll Take Her By My Side We Stand In Awe, We’ve Created Life

With Little E’s birthday yesterday and Z’s coming up next week, it’s really been hitting a chord I didn’t even know I had. I want another baby. My kids are growing up and soon I’ll have a 4 & 7-year-old in my house and I won’t even be able to pretend I have a toddler anymore. I’ll officially have two children. Kids who are growing up too fast for me and I don’t like it. I heard something years ago, after I left E, that bothered me. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I think it was some fairly reputable therapist, regarding step-parents. They said (paraphrased) that if a new partner enters a child’s life in a parenting role before the age of 6, then it’s easier for that kid to adjust to them as a parent, and accept them. But any later than that, and basically the parenting, in particular the discipline should be done mainly by the birth parent only.

That resonated with me, and has stayed in the back of my mind all these years. I wanted SOOO badly for Little E to have a solid connection with a male role model in his life. He has nothing with E. Nothing. And just the thought that by now the opportunity for a meaningful bond to form between him and any potential ‘dad’ is heartbreaking. I know, I know, that thing I heard was just one mans opinion (In fact I think it was Dr. Phil lol) and there are plenty of scenarios that prove otherwise, but the thought still lingers.

I never wanted Little E and Z to be fatherless. It was obviously never my plan. But life happens. Shit happens. And now I’m just so disappointed with the path my life is on in this regards. I feel like a failure to my kids in that I haven’t been able to provide them with the home environment that I always envisioned. The “perfect” family.  Or at least a family that looked half decent to outsiders looking in, since no-ones perfect.

You know, the typical mom, dad, son and daughter…. But now it’s just the three of us. With Little E apparently at an age where he will have trouble connecting with a new father figure.

And yet I still want another baby. But by the looks of things, it could be years before that happens if it ever does, and do I really want that kind of age gap between my kids? Plus will I be able to carry another baby to term by then?

Maybe I’m being selfish, since I want the experience of being pregnant with a man who supports me during the pregnancy and just to see how it would be like to have him love the baby from the start. But is that fair to Little E and Z, who have never experienced anything even remotely similar?

I’m from a blended family, with my little sister N being born after my mom got re-married, and R and I could 100% tell the difference in the way my step dad treated her in comparison to us, which is something I never want Little E and Z to feel.

So now, I have this desire for a baby. To experience the joy I see couples have when they do it together. Something I’ve never had. I know I was married, but I’ve been single parenting it since day 1. E never once woke up at night to change a diaper or do a late night feed, or even to bring the baby to me so I could nurse them. He wasn’t there to help teach either one of them to walk or talk. He’s never driven the kids to school or daycare. He’s hardly ever attended a school function or play. Hell even K came to one of Little E’s school events. E’s been pretty absent since the get go.

So, maybe I’m being selfish, but these last few months I’ve been really thinking about another child, and the feasibility of it all. I want it so badly I’m tearing up right now, but I know I can’t just go randomly and get pregnant “just because” I want it.

I won’t ever put another child through what Little E and Z have gone through. A childhood without a father.

So until I find a man who’s in it for the long-LONG term, I’ll just have to shelf my desires and focus on the kids I already have.


-Creed/Arms Wide Open-

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House Warming. It Was Cold As F**k

After we’d been married about two months, I wanted to throw a little house warming/ gathering party at our new place. It would be the first time we’d had a group over and I thought it’d be fun. I asked E if he was okay with the idea and he said sure. I asked him if we should invite some of his rugby friends to make him feel more comfortable and he agreed. I arranged the party and called everyone up to invite them over. It wasn’t going to be huge… maybe a dozen people or so. I knew by this point that E wasn’t a fan of big crowds.

Friday rolled around and I went for groceries for that night. The usual party snacks, chips drinks etc. When E saw me come home with this stuff he got upset. Saying I should call everyone and tell them not to come. The party was supposed to start in about an hour and he wanted to cancel it. I didn’t understand what his problem was. I had asked him if he wanted to have people over. I had asked him who he was ok with having over. And now that it was actually happening he wasn’t good with it anymore. I said no. I’m not cancelling on these people. It’s not going to be a big deal. We’re just going to sit and eat, drink, chill and have fun. E wasn’t having it. 15 minutes before it was supposed to start, and he left the house. I still have no idea where to, probably off to the gym or something.  But people started coming and I had to say that E couldn’t make it. I had my first party/house warming as a “married couple”… on my own.

I wasn’t pleased. I got drunk. I can think of only 3 time I’ve ever been this drunk in my entire life, since I’m really not a big drinker. But in that moment I just wanted to forget. Forget that I was entertaining E’s friends without him. Forget that we were supposed to be in this together, but I was alone. I got so drunk that by the end of the night I realized it was just myself and one of E’s friends left. I had been calling E all night to come home but he wasn’t answering. So when his friend said he was heading out to another friends birthday party, and asked if I wanted to go so I wasn’t alone, I agreed.

We drove to the other party and he went in for a few minutes while I waited in the car I was so drunk. I ended up puked out the side of the car. Then S came back to the car and I asked him to please just take me home, I was done with the night. I just wanted to crawl into bed and see if E had made it home yet. Instead he took me to his place. I remember trying to call E over and over and telling him where I was and to please come get me. At S’s house I went to the bathroom and while sitting on the toilet I remember  leaning over to throw up in the tub… all while trying to push S away. He was sticking his hands between my legs while I was tryna piss. And I’m crying and randomly drunk calling out for E. I just wanted it all to stop. Then I remember seeing E standing at the bottom of the stairs while S is kneeling in front of me and I’m pushing him away crying. I screamed and yelled for E, he must’ve gotten one of my million drunk calls/texts about where I was and come! I grabbed for the air. And I remember thinking “he came for me”. But then he just turned around and walked away. He just left me there screaming his name over and over. S finally walked away after E to do god know what, while I somehow pulled myself together enough and somehow got to S’s car and he took me home then. But E was so mad at me. Part of me understands why… I think? But mostly I just think I needed him then. That whole night I needed him. And he wasn’t there for me.

Almost a month later when I found out I was pregnant, E didn’t believe the baby was his for the longest time. He was sure it was S’s. In fact his exact reaction was “oh shit” when I told him. Even after I told him time and time again there was no sex that night, something I”m positive of. He continually acted like I enjoyed what happened that night. Saying things like I would call up S for fun to do it again. I don’t know if he ever trusted me to begin with? Or if it was just his paranoia, and that he couldn’t trust anyone. Needless to say, it put a damper on things and we didn’t have any get togethers after that, which E loved since he hated having people over, and I hated since I love having people over.

Either way, I ended up going through my whole pregnancy with my first born with no help from E. I’m still not sure if it’s just because of who he is as a man, or because of that night, but all those things pregnant woman talk about like back rubs and… well anything with your husband? I experienced none of. Actually come to think of it, I had none of it with either pregnancy so I’m pretty certain it’s just cause E is a jack ass.