I Find Myself Longing For Change And In The Bad Times I Fear Myself

Monday I had a friend over and I got so drunk. Something I’ve done less than a handful of times in my entire life. Drinking is really not something I find desirable shall we say. Anyways, life has been stressing me out more than normal and so I just let it all go. Nothing crazy happened that night but I mention it only so that when I say I missed two calls from the prison, you’ll understand why. It’s because I was so drunk I spent the night caressing the porcelain throne as opposed to watching for calls lol.

I remember being slightly upset when I saw the missed calls on my phone but it was right when I started to feel sick and the nauseated feeling definitely outweighed the sorrow of missing a phone conversation.

Which brings us to Wednesday, when I’m at work. AT WORK!!! And the COMPANY PHONE RINGS, and its the prison number. At work, on the company phone. Not even my own personal cell phone number anymore. This time, it was a female prisoner calling from somewhere in the country (I can’t remember now but I know I recognized the name of the city at the time of the call) but it was registering as the same number that calls my phone. I guess all the prisons use the same outgoing number? I’m not sure. Either way, I answered the call. Apparently it was some girl looking for her aunt. She asked if I was Anne. Nope I’m not. Then she asked if I was someone else (can’t remember I was so in shock, like literally what in the world was going on) so I said no. And she said she was looking for her aunt and I said sorry I can’t help and basically hung up. I was at work and this was just getting crazy now. Then I just let out one of those shocked laugh/chuckle things which led my co-worker to ask what happened, so I explained what happened.

So my boss A storms around the corner ‘that’s not funny’ ‘this has to stop’ Insinuating that I’ve arranged this somehow, or I have power over when the phone rings. Look I’m at work doing my job answering the phone YOU told me to answer. But he just kept going on and on about how if ‘they’re tracking me, and now know where I work, and are calling me here, then they are probably tracking him and my co-worker and it puts everyone in danger’. Etc.

I’m like don’t flatter yourself buddy. Trust me. No one has any interest in you. But good to know your a little bitch who lives in fear. But instead of feed his fear, I did my best to calm him down and explain it was a misdial and it was a girl from a different prison and she was looking for her aunt and all I did was answer the call so he backed off. For the moment. But then throughout the day he used our inter-office messaging system and it kept popping up on my computer…

‘Any more calls like that and you must report them to me immediately’

‘The likelihood of those calls being unrelated are highly unlikely’

I just kept thinking dude just back off and let me do my work. Right now, your causing more of a disturbance and threat to my peace than those calls ever did. I’m sorry you search out fear and panic, but I’m just going to move on and forget about it. If something happens then I’ll deal with it then. But for now, I’ve got enough REAL junk in my life that I’m not gonna create delusional shit in my mind.

So. Lol. Anyone else have ‘random’ prison calls at work and home?

-Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper / Shallow-

This Ringing In My Head, Is This A Cure Or Is This A Disease

AHHH, I’m feeling so lost! For so many reasons, I decided last night I needed to take a break from my phone. So this morning, after my alarm (on my phone) went off, I turned off my phone. Now when I planned this all in my head last night, I figured I could go until sometime on Sunday without it. I mean common it’s not like I’ll die without my phone right. But as the morning has gone on, it’s become clearer to me how much I depend on my phone. Not only that, but also I’ve become aware of a few other life altering facts which I’ll touch on later.

First, I’m constantly checking the time on my phone. Just because. Because I like to know where I stand in my day, how much time I have left before I have to make supper or run out the door for work or put the kids to bed etc. I HATE being late, for anything. So I always like to know what time it is. I feel like if I can control that one aspect, of being on time, then I can keep at least some peace in my chaotic life. But I’m realizing lately…. So what if I’m late? So what if the kids stay up a little (common let’s not push it)? Really what will happen if I make dinner a little later, or 15 minutes earlier? Nothing. It won’t be the end of the world. The sky won’t fall, the earth won’t shatter, nothing will change. So these last few weeks I’ve been trying to lighten up a little bit. Let the kids finish their book before bed even if it takes the extra 15 minutes. Take them to the park after work (BEFORE supper, What?!?!) because it’s not gonna kill anyone. Let myself sleep in on the weekends, because Little E can make cereal/toast for himself and Z and they will survive without me for an hour or gasp even two. Basically just trying to lighten up a little time/schedule wise, and so far, we’re all still alive so it must be working. And this morning without my phone, there were still clocks around my house when it was absolutely necessary to check the time to be ok for work. Just not checking every 3 minutes.

Next, I check my bank account about 2-4 times a day. Overkill? For sure. But I like to know where my money is and how much there is at all times. I have it divided into multiple accounts (probably way more than needed) to keep track of it all ( lol “it all” like there’s soo much). My own checking’s, savings, tax’s free. and RRSP etc. Then Little E and Z each have one that I have automatic weekly transfers from my checking into theirs. Little E wants to be a paleontologist/hockey player and Z will have big dreams too for which I’m sure University isn’t cheap so I’ve started saving early.  I’ve never bounced a cheque or missed a bill payment in my life because I’m always on top of my money. But still I figure I need to relax a little. Not enough to let things slip through my fingers and make mistakes, but common, if a transactions not there first thing in the morning? Doubtful anything will have changed by 2 or 5 or even 9 hours later. So I can still be diligent, but not obsessive.

Next, I thought through the fact if I turn off my phone, how will anyone be able to get ahold of me? And that’s when it hit me. Hard. And painfully. Apart from less than a handful of people, three to be exact, no one normally calls me first. Which is annoying to be honest. I am always the first to call/text someone to check in on them. The first to reach out and invite a friend out/over. But then I thought harder about it. Why? Why don’t any of my “friends” call me? Am I a good friend. I am trustworthy, smart, funny, compassionate, non-judgemental etc. Like literally the more I think about I’m amazing to be around, and would kill to have a friend like me. So what is going on that no one calls me? And how have I not noticed this until now? Friendship should work both ways. Give and take. So by keeping my phone off this weekend, it gives me an opportunity to back off, and see if anyone does reach out first. It will really give me a clear picture of my “friends.” And maybe there might need to be a little (or a lot) of rearranging in my life as a result.

Then, to top it all off, I went to make my daily coffee this AM, and that all went to shit to. Last Friday, I traded coffee makers with my sister R. She had recently mentioned how she really wanted a Keurig and so since it really didn’t matter to me what machine I had, I traded my barely used Keurig for her 5 year-old Tassimo. I just wanted her to be happy (see, good friend attribute), and like I said, coffee is coffee, and it didn’t matter to me what machine I use. Weellllll. Here I am eating my words because her machine makes poop in a mug. No matter what I do the sludge it produces is nasty. But this morning I really wanted a coffee so I decided I would suck it up and make do. So I poured myself a cup, and went for my creamer and that’s when I noticed I was out. So I figured, nope I’m not drinking this excuse for coffee without cream, I’ll just stop at Starbucks today. But being the brilliant human that I am, after INTENTIONALLY leaving my phone at home, remembered that since I use my app to pay, I was outta luck coffee wise today.

Then to top it off, my kids are finally spending the night at my parents tomorrow night, and of all weekends, I choose this one to put away the phone, so now I can’t make plans. But I figure anyone who really wanted to spend time with me knows where I live.

SO that brings me to now, sitting at work, coffee-less, phone-less and perhaps in a few days, fake friend-less.

Probably the most boring post of all, but sometimes, you just have to vent your frustrations instead of letting them all build up and blowing up later.

-Audioslave/Show Me How to Live-

R.I.P Chris Cornell