There’s No Way I Can Save You ‘Cause I Need To Be Saved Too

Today I found myself sitting on a pile of darks while the white’s spun around in the washing machine.

Never in my life have I seemed so pathetic to even myself. Sinking down into a pile of dirty laundry filled with Little E’s sweaty soccer uniform and dirty towels that I’ve used to squirt all over while masturbating and sandy bathing suits mixed with the kids clothes covered in art supplies and grass stains. All just to try and have a few minutes of peace and quiet to myself.

So I closed the door as quietly as possible and sat on the pile as I watched the washer start to do it’s thing. I could hear the kids playing hide and seek and I tried to just focus on relaxing. Something I’m not good at.

Whenever I’ve gone for a massage or anything, the practitioner is always commenting that I need to relax more, that I’m tense. I honestly don’t know what they mean. I literally live my life at this tense level and when I’m laying there on that bad I AM AS RELAXED AS I CAN BE! WTF do you think I’m here for a massage? I’m trying to relax more. You do your thing and massage all my stress away, don’t stress me out more by telling me I’m to stressed! Agh!

Anyways, my newest reason for stress is back to my headaches/seizures. My headaches have been out of control for a few months and no amount of sleep, advil, crying, hot showers or medication has proven to be able to stop them. So my doctor ordered an EEG for me. “An electroencephalogram (EEG) is a test used to find problems related to electrical activity of the brain. An EEG tracks and records brain wave patterns” – Thanks Google. Anyways, I went last Friday to the hospital for it. This isn’t my first go at something like this. I’ve had numerous EEG’s, MRI’s and even CAT scans in regards to my seizures. All of them showing that yes, there’s stuff going on up there that’s out of the ordinary, but no one knows why or what to do.

So I’m laying there on the bed once the tech gets all 29 electrodes glued to my head and we go through the deep breathing they have you do and then they have a flashing light set up to see how the brain waves react, which is fine for me since my seizures are not triggered by light, and then I’m just laying there for the last 20 minutes or so. That’s when it happened. Finally while I’m all hooked up to wires and everything to have it recorded on paper for proof.

I had one of my ‘experiences’

Just like a few times before, the world around me melted away and I was nothing and nowhere and everything was complete peace. Until the tech started moving around slowly and said “OK C, That’s it” She then proceeded to ask me if I had a Neurologist in the area (No) and if I had other recent scans handy to give the Dr. (Not on my person at the time, should I have brought them?). And that was that. She pulled out the electrodes and washed out the glue with zero regard to my fresh wash’n’go, messing the hell outta my hair, and I was on my way.

My phone rang on the drive home but I missed it as it was still on silent from the scan, but the voicemail was from the hospital:

IMG_2902

I’m so messed up lol. The Dr. who read my results is requesting me as a patient lol, right after the tech explained to me that appointments with a Neurologist normally take a few months to get, and are on a first come first serve basis. So whichever Dr has a space available next, goes to the person at the top of the list. But here I am, getting name requested by the Dr. himself! I must have some juicy problems going on up there!  I feel like this is way back in elementary school when teams are being picked for soccer at recess but now for the first time I was chosen first. (Yeah I was not an athletic kid lol)

Never in my wildest dream did I think I’d get pushed to the front of the line because of how fucked up my brain was/is. It’s validating in a way. A really weird messed up way, but a way nonetheless. Just to know that everything I’ve been going through is real. And has been recorded on paper by a legitimate hospital, and an actual Dr. might have a solution for me.

And in that weird way, I found myself trying to relax in the dark and quiet to just have some me time this morning in a pile of dirty laundry. This lasted all of 6 minutes based on the washing machine timer, until Z came and sat on the pile of lights beside me and started chatting away. Not in an annoying way, but not in a quiet way either. Asking her cute questions like what are you doing mom? Oh I’ll sit to! What time until my friends come over? What time is it now? How much longer until that time? Oh that’s my blanket in the wash. Oh there goes my shirt. Hey that’s my blanket again. And so it went a stream of endless questions.

So I just settled in and answered her questions as patiently and as detailed as I could. Knowing that this knowledge is the basis of the rest of her life. These questions are empty space in her mind and the answers I give her are building bridges in her mind. I can’t do my kids wrong because my mind is messed up and overloaded with stress. I want to make sure my kids don’t have faulty connections that start to break down as they get older like their dad and I have struggled with. I want them to have strong knowledge and minds that hold them through their life. Our being here in life is so much more than meets the physical eye and I have to do my best to not only heal past hurt on my part so it doesn’t trickle down to them, but also help create new bridges and connections in those newly formed spaces that previously held nothing or damaged things. So I take my time. I answer questions with peace and strong lasting knowledge and hope that what I help create in them has a loving, beautiful and lasting effect. That can pass down through generations to come.

Whether or not my brain can handle seeing it.


-Post Malone Ft. Young Thug / Goodbyes-

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I’m Going Deep, In Over My Head I Want To Be Caught In The Rush, Lost In The Flow, In Over My Head I Want To Go

So I got an unexpected call today.

I was at work at the swimming pool called me. Little E was on a field trip (and will be on the same one for the next three Wednesday’s) for swimming lessons. They spend 30 minutes for lessons and then have 30 minutes for free time. Well, they called to inform me that Little E had just been pulled from the pool by the lifeguard.

The guard had seen him struggling under water in the deep end and had to jump in a save him.

Now I honest to goodness before today felt pretty confident in Little E’s swimming abilities. We were out in the lake practically everyday last summer and I feel fine letting him go out chest deep on his own. I mean I’m there on the beach and I’m a great swimmer (I’m embarrassed to say I was in synchronized swimming when I was younger) so if anything happened I’m there. I’ve seen him swim his laps in the pool to be able to swim in the deep end and feel comfortable leaving him there while I relax in the hot tub with Z.

So to hear that something happened enough that the lifeguard literally had to dive in to save him? Disconcerting for lack of better word. The caller informed me he was doing fine now and was back in the water with a life jacket on now, but that it was just protocol to call the parents when that type of situation occurred. Uh duh. I should hope so!

She also told me that I should monitor his behaviour for the next three days for any flu like symptoms or sluggish behaviour that might indicate secondary drowning (or something like that, I was just trying to absorb everything she was saying). Either way, if I see anything different about him in the next few days, I have to take him immediately to the emergency as it might indicate that he inhaled water and is slowly drowning.

Grrrrreat.

Here I’m glad at the moment he’s ok. But there’s so many thoughts going through my head. In no random order, I hope he wasn’t to embarrassed. Little E is my sensitive and very easily embarrassed child and I can just imagine how being pulled from the water in front of his entire classroom and then being made to wear a life jacket after has affected him.

Next. How did it happen? I know he’s a good swimmer. So was he just fooling around with his friends and get pushed under? Or did he actually just wear out and start struggling on his own? Not that it matters in the end as I wouldn’t cast blame, but I like to know these things.

Also, should I be monitoring him 24/7? Like should I stay awake through the night? Or set hourly alarms to check in on him? Or is that paranoia speaking?

Next. Why the fuck do these things keep happening to my family.

Dear universe. That’s more than enough thank you very much.

But last, it made me realize that I could have lost my son today and there’s so many things I’ve failed to teach him still. There’s so many ways I’ve fucked up so far and it just made me think of all the things I had to fix before I die let alone him. I wasn’t ready. For the first time in my mind, I wasn’t ready for death. I’ve been prepared for my own death for whatever long now. I couldn’t care less, and had zero fear facing that. But to be faced with the death of my child before me? Thats the only thing that has terrified me in recent times this deeply. He’s not yet had a chance to experience anything deeply enough to die. I felt like if he died I would have failed in protecting him. That I didn’t ensure his success. There are too many ways to describe it, but basically I felt like I needed more time with him to set him up for a chance to discover his will to live and choose and die on his own.

And now is not that time.

-Dive/Steven Curtis Chapman-

I Guess There’s Certain Dreams That You Gotta Keep ‘Cause They Only Know What You Let ‘Em See / They Don’t Care Like I Do Nowhere Like I Do

Google can suck my non-existent dick after they’ve shoved it up their ass.

How’s that for sexual content?

A little while ago I monetized my site with Google Adsense. I figured it’s here, you’re here, Google ad’s are there. Why not connect them all on my site for an opportunity to make a few extra dollars a month? Logical right.

So I spent pretty much a whole Saturday afternoon trying to figure out how to change the coding here on my wordpress site to allow the ads to display semi-decently, something I’m sure would’ve taken someone with experience 3 minutes. But I’m not experienced so I struggled with it and after a few hours persevered.  Then I waited while Google took over a week to approve my site (meanwhile it says it will take only a day or so to do it). I finally emailed once to see what was up, and magically it was approved later that Friday go figure. I watched over that first weekend as nothing happened on Friday, no change on Saturday, but when I woke up on Sunday to check my stats, I saw the most beautiful thing.

You my readers throughout the world had viewed ads enough times to earn me $2.94.

And I cried. Honest to goodness tears of joy. Not even three dollars but it was the most valuable 3 dollars I had ever earned.

I set this site up almost 2 years ago. On a computer that I bought with my own money. I created the name and content with my own brilliance and suffering. The blogs are FILLED with my own spelling and grammar errors, but more importantly my life. I have NO BOSS in this endeavor. It wasn’t a job that paid me. It was my outlet and in some cases my savior.  This brought me joy and relief and satisfaction because it was all mine from start to $2.94 finish. And now, in that $2.94 I saw potential for freedom from much more.

Then a few days after I got an email  from Google stating they would not be allowing ad’s on my site until I complied with their terms. The item in question? Sexual content. The post they were referring to? My sex talk with Little E.

Seriously Google?

You think an educational talk that a mother is sharing with her child is dangerous and offensive sexual content?

I FIND THAT OFFENSIVE!!!

That you think you can sensor me and my parenting. Was I sharing pornographic videos to my child to teach him about the birds and the bees? NO. Did I link those videos here? Even more no! So, for you (Google) to yank my ads and therefore my money making abilities here, because I choose to be a good involved parent, is so much of what’s wrong with the world. You want children to be ignorant? You want parents to be afraid of speaking about these things to their own offspring? Well that’s not me.

I will not pull my post for you. I will not amend it in any way to bend to your sexual content codes. I will continue to teach my son and soon my daughter when she’s old enough (so you can expect another raunchy extreme x-rated sex filled according to Google post then) because I am a good parent, and my kids will be advised, aware, conscious, caring, loving SEXUAL humans.

So keep your money Google.

It wasn’t as valuable as my children’s lives anyways.


-Khalid Ft. Kane Brown/Saturday Nights-