Tag: Paranoia

I Wake Up In The Basement I’m So Hungry/ I Must Be Here Sleepwalking

She was set free6 Comments

How to explain the unexplainable.

Sunday night I made homemade spaghetti and meatballs with ceaser salad for dinner and the kids loved it. Everything was all good. So I decided to send the leftovers with them to daycare for lunch the next day. I asked Z to get out 2 containers for me to divide it up for them. She made a big deal about her getting the green lid one and Little E said he wanted the green one too, leaving the blue lid unclaimed (seems like a stupid detail but just wait). I ignored them hoping they would forget about it by the morning, a pick your battle kinda situation and just closed them up and made my salad in my own Tupperware, with a red lid for anyone keeping track. Then I stacked all three in the fridge, thinking nothing more about it.

Skip forward to Monday morning when I tell Little E to get their lunches ready and he says there’s only one spaghetti container in the fridge. I yell from the bathroom to look harder KNOWING I just put it in there last night, three Tupperware one on top of the other. You can’t miss it. A minute later he calls back saying it’s not there.

So I’m thinking he’s just being lazy and not seeing something that’s surely right in front of his nose, and I stomp off to the kitchen prepared to whip the door open and prove him wrong and find the green lidded container that had most likely dropped behind something and go one with our day. I open the fridge. I look. I can’t find it. I LOOOOOOK hard. It’s not there. I look in the freezer. It’s not there. I check kitchen cabinets. Nope. I look in the damn garbage. Nothing. I call Z thinking she might’ve possibly hid it in some secret place to ensure she got the green top. She has no clue. I might’ve gone over board on my interrogation techniques, because seriously wtf could it have gone, but I could tell both the kids had no clue, and as a mom you know if your kid is lying. So I let it go as far as them lying went.

Then, since I was running out of options I even went so far as to check to make sure all the outer doors to our house were locked (lol I know) to make sure no one came into our house in the middle of the night and indulged on my fantastic spaghetti and then left leaving everything else untouched. Locked, obviously. So now I’m left with sleep walking/eating? And I’m like 100% sure it’s not my kids since I hear when they get outta bed to use the washroom. Little E is in a metal bunk bed that makes hella noise when he moves let alone gets in and out. And Z just doesn’t understand how to open a door quietly. So was it me? Like honestly did I eat or hide this stupid container? I’m not sure about anything anymore.

So I give Little E my salad since we’re running out of time and I have to get to work. When we got home I started a mass hunt for this thing. I looked through the fridge thoroughly again, under couch cushions and beds. Double-checked all the cupboards and drawers. Backpacks and purses. Everywhere and anywhere I thought of I searched and I can’t find the stupid Tupperware. And I know I used it because it’s not in the cupboard clean. It’s not in the dishwasher. I remember the kids fighting over it.

So we have some proverbial fairy stealing pasta making me go crazy. But I honestly have no idea what happened to it, and I don’t want to find it in a week or two based on the rotting smell coming out of somewhere.

And if someone in my house IS sleep walking? Well that’s just a whole other level of stress I don’t have patience for.

– Alice Cooper / The Awakening –

I Find Myself Longing For Change And In The Bad Times I Fear Myself

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Monday I had a friend over and I got so drunk. Something I’ve done less than a handful of times in my entire life. Drinking is really not something I find desirable shall we say. Anyways, life has been stressing me out more than normal and so I just let it all go. Nothing crazy happened that night but I mention it only so that when I say I missed two calls from the prison, you’ll understand why. It’s because I was so drunk I spent the night caressing the porcelain throne as opposed to watching for calls lol.

I remember being slightly upset when I saw the missed calls on my phone but it was right when I started to feel sick and the nauseated feeling definitely outweighed the sorrow of missing a phone conversation.

Which brings us to Wednesday, when I’m at work. AT WORK!!! And the COMPANY PHONE RINGS, and its the prison number. At work, on the company phone. Not even my own personal cell phone number anymore. This time, it was a female prisoner calling from somewhere in the country (I can’t remember now but I know I recognized the name of the city at the time of the call) but it was registering as the same number that calls my phone. I guess all the prisons use the same outgoing number? I’m not sure. Either way, I answered the call. Apparently it was some girl looking for her aunt. She asked if I was Anne. Nope I’m not. Then she asked if I was someone else (can’t remember I was so in shock, like literally what in the world was going on) so I said no. And she said she was looking for her aunt and I said sorry I can’t help and basically hung up. I was at work and this was just getting crazy now. Then I just let out one of those shocked laugh/chuckle things which led my co-worker to ask what happened, so I explained what happened.

So my boss A storms around the corner ‘that’s not funny’ ‘this has to stop’ Insinuating that I’ve arranged this somehow, or I have power over when the phone rings. Look I’m at work doing my job answering the phone YOU told me to answer. But he just kept going on and on about how if ‘they’re tracking me, and now know where I work, and are calling me here, then they are probably tracking him and my co-worker and it puts everyone in danger’. Etc.

I’m like don’t flatter yourself buddy. Trust me. No one has any interest in you. But good to know your a little bitch who lives in fear. But instead of feed his fear, I did my best to calm him down and explain it was a misdial and it was a girl from a different prison and she was looking for her aunt and all I did was answer the call so he backed off. For the moment. But then throughout the day he used our inter-office messaging system and it kept popping up on my computer…

‘Any more calls like that and you must report them to me immediately’

‘The likelihood of those calls being unrelated are highly unlikely’

I just kept thinking dude just back off and let me do my work. Right now, your causing more of a disturbance and threat to my peace than those calls ever did. I’m sorry you search out fear and panic, but I’m just going to move on and forget about it. If something happens then I’ll deal with it then. But for now, I’ve got enough REAL junk in my life that I’m not gonna create delusional shit in my mind.

So. Lol. Anyone else have ‘random’ prison calls at work and home?

-Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper / Shallow-

God’s Plan I Hold Back, Sometimes I Won’t / Still Bad Things It’s A Lot Of Bad Things That They Wishin’ On Me

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So my house is up for sale. The listing went live on Jan 25th (last Thursday) and there was one showing booked for Sunday that got cancelled last-minute, and now another one for tomorrow. So I’m feeling hopeful that at least people are interested in the place enough to want to come see it in person. But I’ll admit it’s been stressful. Keeping it clean and show ready at all times. I’ve obviously never sold a house before, and so just all the random thoughts that cross my mind every once in a while are crazy. Like “what if it doesn’t sell?”

I honestly hadn’t even considered it until Sunday when the first showing was cancelled. But for real? What in the world will I do if it doesn’t sell? I can’t even begin to let my mind wander down that path. I’m fairly confident just from the amount of activity we’ve had on it in such a short time that someone will scoop it up, so I’m just going to stay focused on the positive. And also keep an eye open for a new place. Everything so far has turned out to be a dud, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that with the spring coming, that more listings will pop up…I hope? But no, for real. more people want to move in the summer time so they list their property in the spring-ish in hopes to move while kids are out of school, snows off the road etc. Either way I’ve been checking the new listings probably 3 times a day just to make sure. Over kill? Totally. But I want to make sure I’m one of the first to see a new place once it goes up.

Other than that, work’s been decent. I got another bonus this week so I’ll stash that away for the down payment, which all thanks to me (yes, I’m throwing not so subtle shade at y’all) has been growing slowly.

The gym/training has been great. I only have 3-4 more sessions with my trainer left and I haven’t decided what I’m doing after that. Most gyms here require a membership or a contract in order for you to go and I don’t wanna sign some stupid 2 year contract to a gym if I’m moving in 5-6 months, but on the other hand, I don’t want to stop all the progress I’ve made and stop going all together. So I’ve got to think my options through. My co-worker suggested I go to each new gym in the area for their free 2 week trial until we move lol so I guess that’s an option. Currently the top contender is a small gym close to work that I could join on a month to month basis. But this gym is geared more towards heavy lifting, which I have been doing with my trainer, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable signing up to go to a gym where there will be a bunch of butch guys walking around, when I’m still not 100% sure what I’m doing. So I guess yeah I’m just still self-conscious.

My kids are doing good. Well they’re always doing good, although Little E said something quite disconcerting to me the other day. He asked outta no-where if I hear voices in my head. So of course red lights went up so fast because of their dad’s history. I tried to casually ask what he meant, and he continued…

He said he talks to voices that he hears in his head. So I said we all have our inner voice that we talk to, like we have conversations with our self in our minds. But then he continued by saying he actually HEARS them. Audibly.  And then he went on to say that he has 5 different voices. Each with a different voice/sound/distinction. So I asked him what do they say? Because now I’m becoming a little more concerned. And he says he can only hear 2 of them distinctly, but he knows the 5 are there. He’s not sure exactly what they say, but he can hear the different sounds they make. So I suggested to him that he just use his own thoughts to control the voices, and make sure he is always choosing to listen to the voice that is his own.

But I’ll be honest, I’m worried. There’s no “test” persay for schizophrenia. In fact when I was dealing with E first being diagnosed, I asked many doctors if I could’ve known before, or what to look out for, and they all said pretty much the same thing. Until there is a full-on meltdown/mental breakdown there is no way of knowing for sure. But I don’t want to let Little E get to that point. I don’t want him living with voices in his head from such a young age and having him think it’s normal. I want to do whatever I can to stop it, or help it BEFORE it progresses to a point of no return. I don’t want him to start listening to those voices more than the world around him like his dad did. I want everything good and happy and nice for him.

So when I hear him tell me that he has specifically labeled 5 distinct voices in his head, that he can HEAR, not just in his mind, but he hears them talking, so much so that he turns to see if they are there… that highly concerns me. I think I’m totally within my right to look into some preventative…..things? I don’t even know what options are out there, but you can know for sure I’ll be researching them.

I don’t want to leave him until he has a total break down before someone takes me seriously. I take him seriously. So if you have any recommendations on paranoid schizophrenia, and preventative measures, pass them along. Because I know how bad his dad is, and I NEVER want that for Little E.

-Drake/God’s Plan-

 

 

Cause For Every Lie I Tell Them, They Tell Me Three This Is How The World Works Now All He Thinks About Is Me

She was set free5 Comments

Whomp there it is (Whomp there it is) Ahh I need emoji’s on my computer’s keyboard so I could follow that up with musical notes or something.

Anyways. My shit gets shittier (Don’t correct my grammar, let’s just all assume at this point I know I’m making up words, it’s called artistic licence), as it’s prone to do. I’m not sure if E is just… well I’m don’t even have words to describe anything he does anymore. I don’t know if it’s for attention or out of boredom or what have you, but he felt the need to call out of the blue on Saturday, after canceling a play date with the kids (yes his once per month, if that, visit with his own spawn) to inform me that there’s a rumor going around about him.

Oh. My. Actual. God. E. I don’t care. I’m not in Junior High any more. I don’t spend my days fighting gossip OR spreading rumors, and I most definitely don’t care if it’s about you! But he proceeded to insist that I needed to know that this rumor was not true, and that I had to know. Fine! What is it?

Well I guess, first off, he supposedly (let’s all take a moment to remember now, EVERYTHING E’s ever told me ie. his age, his secret daughter that he claimed not to know about, him not doing drugs, where our money was going, him not ever even hitting me, he’s going to sign the divorce papers, every word from his mouth has been a lie) anyways, according to him, he heard at his dad’s funeral, which was back in August 2017, a rumor about him having HIV, which he adamantly denies as being true.

When he first told me I honest to god said that’s fine I’m never fucking sleeping with you ever again. Like is this some weird twisted plot to try to get me back? Then for a split second, I tried to think of the last time we did have ANY physical contact, on the off-chance it was true, and he was denying it. My mind was at ease so fast remembering right away that it’s literally been 4 years this week sometime (THAT week back in Kenya), and I’m pretty sure I would’ve shown some sort of symptoms by now, duh.

So after reassuring myself that I was fine (after 4 years symptom free and just a lying ex to show for it) I realized what had made it even worse, was the fact that he had supposedly known about this “rumor” since last summer and has just now thought to tell me. Wow thanks buddy. In the end though, I’m quiet confident that unfortunately it’s just his paranoia working overtime, and he made up the rumor in his head. It’s probably the reason he cancelled the visit with the kids, since he was too afraid to leave his house. Which is best for the kids, because they shouldn’t have to be around someone who is scared of everything and literally thinks the world is out to get them.

But I did chastise myself for letting his head games and paranoia get to me after all these years, even if only for moment. I allowed myself to get carried away with his game to the point of having to trace back when we were together, and then for complete disclosure to you guys, I even considered how in the world I would ever contact all my one night stands from in between then and whenever I last messed around maybe last Feb, since I have zero numbers in my phone. It pissed me off that I let myself get involved and play his game. I honestly should know better. And I think deep down I do know better. But I have to do my due diligence right? What if it was HIV? What if for ONCE in E’s life, he was telling the truth? Now my kids are potentially at risk. Everyone around me is at risk if I don’t take precautionary steps. So yeah, I fell for it. I looked up symptoms right now as I type, and how long they take to appear just to be certain.  I’m feeling much better now knowing I’m loooooong past the 2-4 week stage. But still frustrated at myself for letting him get in my head. Twice. Once during the phone call and again now as I confirmed. Aggggh.

So, that was that incident.

Move onto yesterday when I get an email from my lawyer starting with, word for word “We’re so close to completion”

YESSSSSSS!!!! Happy dance.

But then it goes on saying that I have to contact legal aid to update my file before he can continue. I’m using legal aid because at the beginning of this 4 year long drawn out divorce, I had just flown back from Kenya with 2 kids, and headed back to school so I had zilch to my name, and legal aid allowed me access to a lawyer at a reduced rate. Fast forward to now, where I own a house and a car and I’m pretty sure I make more than the limit for legal aid. So now I’m actually nervous to call legal aid because they want me to do a financial overview.

I don’t wanna.

‘Cause what if now I make more than allowed by legal aid, and so I can no longer access their services? Well turns out my fears were accurate. After an hour and forty-five mintues on hold today I finally got through to find out that according to them, I now make enough money that I should be able to afford a lawyer at a “normal rate.” You know because I wasn’t having enough annoyances with money lately without this junk thrown on top of the heap.

All this did was make me more mad at E. At this point I feel like he should have to pay my legal fees if they are going to increase a whole bunch (which they are). Now hear my logic on this one. I’ve had a lawyer at a reduced rate until now (January 2018 basically). And according to him, ‘we’re so close to completion.” So had E not delayed the divorce/signing the agreements for FOUR years, it would’ve been done a long time ago, way before this month. So now, if I have to go and find a new lawyer and start again (well not the whole process over, but he’ll be new to me and I’ll have to explain everything again which takes time, and to lawyers time is money) then that’s going to cost me big bucks, which quite frankly, I think should come out of E’s pocket. Agh, just to see my lawyer say that we’re almost done, but then have this happen because I’m doing better for myself is a shot while I’m down. I’m trying to move up in the world. It’s like, were all those student loans and mortgage payments and dateless weekends and sleepless night worth any of this shit lately?

I’m still here.

I’m still married to this dick.

Yet I’m still a single mom struggling.

-Taylor Swift/I Did Something Bad-

I’m Going Off The Rails On A Crazy Train I Know That Things Are Going Wrong For Me

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What the fuck. My Grandpa just made a pass at me. What the fuck. What the fuck.

I’m living the fucken twilight zone you guys.

I’m in town for my Grandma’s funeral and earlier today he asked me if I was still taking my ‘medication’ and I remembered that my mom had told both him and my aunt how I indulge in weed and it helps with my seizure related headaches. So I told him that normally I ‘take’ it every night but I didn’t bring anything on this trip because… well awkward (ha little did I know how awkward/awful it was going to get). So he started talking about how he had a few joints around and how he hadn’t smoked since before my grandma (HIS WIFE) died in June. So he suggested we smoke a joint together later at night. I’m staying at his place for a couple days while I’m in town and I was honestly just thrilled because I’ve had the worst sleeps the last two nights and I just wanted to have like a solid 6 hours of sleep.

So everyone else finally went to bed today and we sat in the carport/garage and had a few drags each, finishing about half the joint. Meanwhile he’s talking all this stuff about how he’s got these friends who grow it here and he can get it for me no problem. And then after a couple puffs he says OK that’s enough especially if you don’t smoke. (I had explained how edibles are now my go to). I’m feeling nothing at this point but I’m not gonna push it, so we say our goodnights and I figured that was that. As it should’ve been.

I get into bed and put in my earplugs a cousin gave me yesterday in an attempt to sleep better, and start to browse instagram a bit, even considered starting a blog post but figured I would wait until I get home because I have SO much to say, when I felt a hand on my ankle.

These earplugs are amazing I didn’t hear him coming. It’s my grandpa asking if I wanna go finish the doobie as he so often calls it, and I didn’t hear him walk in at all. I’m totally up for it because at this point I feel nothing yet, so we step right out my door into the garage (I’m sleeping in a makeshift room with Z that’s not an actual room but a link between his room and a carport type thing… in a trailer park… it’s hard to explain.) Anyways we go outside and finish off the first one and he asks me to grab his stash from inside and we light up another one.

Now I finally have a light buzz, but he’s gone, like way far gone. I asked him how he was. Just a simple question, ‘how are you’ and he gets all existential on me.

How are any of us? I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got. And here I am thinking he’s thinking about my recently deceased grandmother. And so I’m trying to just make him feel better, saying things like we can’t always plan out everything in life. We don’t know what to expect but we make it work.

And I don’t even remember his exact words because I’m still so shocked it happened, but he went with what I said, and rolled it into how we don’t know what to expect and we have to make the best of it…. and we should make the best of this moment him and I.

What the fuck? Did I just hear what I think I heard? Maybe this BC weed is messing with my head differently. So I just kinda let it slide. Thinking I totally misread the situation, or at the very least misheard.

But then he legitimately mumbles “here I am making a pass at my own grandchild”. And he keeps trying to put his hand on my knee or leg and I’m like grandpa stop/no thanks. And so he stands up while I’m still sitting on my chair and tried to give me a hug and I had to push him back with both hands on his chest while he tried to kiss the top of my head. And then he finally walked away.

And my head is just messed up. Not like in a confused way like oh maybe I should’ve… No definitely not. But in a what the fuck just happened to me way.

When he walked back into the house he left the door ajar and I’m slightly shocked/confused/scared/worried. So I followed, but not too close that he thinks I’m following to join him, but to make sure the horny bastard doesn’t do anything to Z or even Little E.

He passed both of them sleeping on the floor in my ‘room’, and I closed the door connecting our rooms and then went back outside to just… wrap my head around “this”, whatever this is.

Ok, I get that he’s lonely, his wife just died. And maybe weed makes some people horny, I’m not sure, I’ve never experienced that. And obviously we don’t think 100% how we normally would while we’re high, but come the fuck on. My Grandfather. My flesh and blood grandpa. Who’s turning 82 tomorrow. Just hit on me.

And if you can’t keep it together enough to realize that? Than you shouldn’t be smoking for starters is really all I can think of to say right now. Other than that I’m speechless. So I’m heading to bed. And I’ve decided to sleep WITHOUT the earplugs tonight for those if you wondering. To keep a better ear out for whatever may come.

-Ozzy Ozbourne/Crazy Train-

Am I Dead? Or Is This One Of Those Dreams? Those Horrible Dreams That Seem Like They Last Forever?

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So as promised, well not even promised but told to E yesterday, the kids and I called him last night to video chat. During which he proceeded to inform me that his Dad’s burial is on the same day as my Grandma’s. 365 days in a year, and yeppers, it’ll be the same day, Aug 26th for both of them. For some reason it pissed me off. I wasn’t mad at E, I was just like, common life! Quit kicking me in the balls! So I asked if he was actually going to attend which will require him travelling back to Kenya. To which he replied with “well that’s a tricky question” Yeah. Same phrase he used when I asked him why we should stay together lol.

Anyways I could tell already what was coming but I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. So I just let him continue talking… but he didn’t, he just let the statement hang, with the static silence growing.  So I said E, if you need something, you have to use your words and ask for it. You can’t assume I just know what you’re talking about. Exact phrase I say to my kids. Use your words. You can’t assume people know what you’re trying to get across unless you expressly say it. WITH WORDS. So he did…Kinda. He explained that yes, he has the money, but he doesn’t have a credit card to pay for the flight so can he send me the money and I purchase his flight for him on my card.

I truly and honestly don’t want to be a part of this, but I won’t be a bitch and deny the man the chance to attend his fathers funeral. I explained that he would have to do all the research and find the flights himself, to which he responded ‘How?’  OMG. I told him to Google it. I even explained to him exactly what to type into Google so I wasn’t leaving him completely high and dry. I want him to put a little effort into this on his own and try to become a little more independent, albeit I’m sure that’s just pure fantasy on my part at this point. I also told him I’m not paying for anything until he fronts me the money FIRST. Cold hard cash up front or it’s a no go. He made a comment about how I was being ‘harsh’ and I could only think that beggars can’t be choosers but instead replied that last time I paid for him to fly home from Kenya in the midst of our divorce, and he said he would “pay me back” I never saw a dime. His response? ‘Wow’.  Damn right wow. $1,700.00 worth of wow. So front me the money or you can watch the burial from a grainy Facebook live video or by some other means for all I care.

I know in the end because of his lack of ability, that by agreeing to do this, I’ll most likely end up having to do the research to find the flights for him. If I don’t, E will just go with whatever pops up first on Google which will be a crazy expensive flight with a million stopovers. But that’s his issue/choice.

OH and then he didn’t know if he could get a few days off work for this. Now I know E. I know that since he’s started this job, he’s never asked for time off and they always make him take all his days near Christmas at the end of the year because he’s never used a single day off the whole year. I told him to just ASK. USE HIS WORDS!!! Explain to his Boss/Supervisor that his Dad had passed away and he would like to extend his 10 days off to perhaps 14 or even 20 to make the trip worth it. He normally works 20 days on and gets 10 days off, but this rotation, he would need to be back at work on the 27th, the day after the burial, making flights from Kenya to Canada… Well pretty much impossible. So again, I had to tell him, if he wants something, he needs to just ask. And that there’s a 99% chance they will give him the time off. Especially with his vacation track record, and well, it being the death of his dad.

So we’ll see if E can pull this off. I was a little relieved to see him talking on the phone yesterday. To be honest I was concerned about how he was going to handle this whole situation, but yesterday he seemed no worse off than normal (yeah this behavior is his new normal). I am worried that once he gets to Kakamega and visits with his family it might disturb things a little. Plus I’m not sure when he plans on going for his monthly injection for his medication if he’s out of the country, something I’ll ask him next time we talk, but it is what it is.

I’m not sure if this whole trip will be for better or worse. But for now I’ll just take things one day at a time.

-Kesha/Praying-

Cause In The Night I Hear Him Talk The Coldest Story Ever Told Somewhere Far Along This Road He Lost His Soul

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I received a message from E letting me know that his dad had passed away last night, as well as one from my brother-in-law (because according to the law we are still married so in laws it is.

I can honestly say… I didn’t really care. This man for all intents and purposes tried to kill me once (check it out here: Tell the World I’m Coming… Home ) in one of my most stressful days ever.  So to say I feel a great loss would be a huge lie. I did message E to express my half hearted condolences and to make sure he was doing OK, because I’m a (half) decent human being.

E replied that yes, he was doing ok, but now as the day has evolved I’ve realized that he is far from that. He’s so far called me EIGHT times at work. Today. Already. It’s not even 2 o’clock. I made the mistake of asking if he was going to fly back to Kenya for the funeral or if there was going to be one, and now he got the idea in his head that the kids should go with him.

Uhhhh, that’s gonna be a hard no. I pretty much have sole custody of both the kids and there is no way in Hell (Heaven or Earth or anywhere else you can think of) that my kids are going to with E back to Kenya. ESPECIALLY at this age. EXTRA ESPECIALLY (I know that’s very grammatically incorrect but work with me) without our divorce finalized. SUPERDUPERLY ESPECIALLY without me.

So now he’s calling me constantly asking again and again “just in case” I changed my mind. But more so because I don’t think he knows how else to handle his emotions right now. Since I’ve known E, he’s never lost anyone close to him, and now his dad has died. I understand it must be beyond difficult. I get that. But unfortunately, past behaviors on his part have dictated that the kids are not safe to travel with him. So it is what it is. I told him that the kids and I would call him tonight to talk and maybe that would help ground him, but I made it clear that they would not be going back with him. If he wants to press it further he will have to contact his lawyer, but there’s not much else he can do, and calling me every 15 minutes won’t help. Even in the case that he does try to call his lawyer, I’m quite confident that nothing will happen, and they kids will be staying with me, here in Canada.

Part of me wonders how this will affect his mental stability. Can he make it through this without having another break down and ending up in the hospital for months again? Are his medications strong enough to keep the voices/paranoia away during this stressful time? Are the kids safe to spend their 2-3 hours with him when he comes back to town again? Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, and there’s nothing to worry about but as a mother, you always want to protect your kids first. And for myself I’ve seen danger with E too many times to not see this as a massive source of stress for E that might act as a huge potential trigger for relapse.

All I can do now is stand firm in my position that the kids are staying with me, and be decent to E, so I don’t cause any more stress to him then already present.

-Kanye West/Heartless-

 

She’s All Through, Life’s Not Blowing Her Kisses Thanks To You

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https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CbaxKcxtPY4

Woooooow. I had an interesting night to say the least lol. It started Friday night when I had my 4 nieces sleepover and it was chaotic with 6 kids in my little townhouse (that’s being kind). Then I drove them the half hour – 45 minutes back to their house during which we played a bunch of old school music my sister had in the car that I remembered from when I was about … oh 14-15? The kids loved it since I guess my sister doesn’t blast the music and sing and dance like no ones looking in the car like me… to each their own lol. Anyways we had this one on repeat just like when I was a teen, and it stuck with me…

After I dropped the girls off, my kids and I went to a friends house and did up a couple of batches of jam, well she and her eventual mom in law did. (Face it, your gonna get married) and I just kinda dinked around like a useless blob in the kitchen since I hate anything cooking related but it was fun to get together. Another old co-worker was there and it was fun to just have some girl chat and catch up on some gossip from my old job.

I ended up leaving her house with a bunch of fresh jam, AND some fresh mushrooms. You know what it is.

So my kids were exhausted from having two sleepovers in a row (the one night at my parents and then the cousins at my place) so they feel into bed by 6:30. Z actually wanted to sleep by around 5 but I didn’t want her up at like 4 in the morning so it was a big effort to keep her awake until even 6:30. By 6:45 they were both snoring heavily and I had brewed my first cup ever of shroom tea.

Taste? Totally fine. Effect? Absolutely nothing. I waited an hour… no go. So I got impatient and just straight up ate two. I figured if the two I brewed in the tea did nothing then let me try this. Plus I know how much it takes for me to get drunk or high with weed so I was pretty confident I would be ok.

About an hour, maybe an hour and a half later while was literally reading up on the effects of mushrooms and what to expect etc, and my phone started glowing, and the words started… I dunno the words were coloured and vibrating? Lol it was great.

But even more than that I had amazing self discoveries.

Nothing like how to solve world hunger or anything but I did end up writing this letter.

And, I feel good about it.

So here’s an insight into my mind… high on mushrooms for the first time.

*Some context, K had asked me to get his final paycheck from work but no matter what I tried I couldn’t contact his “boss” in order to get the check for him, so I felt awful, because he was going to be using that money to live off of while in prison, for phone calls/commissary etc*

-Tobymac/Gone-

Mama She Has Taught Me Well Told Me When I Was Young Son Your Life’s An Open Book Don’t Close It ‘Fore It’s Done

She was set free3 Comments

So I took the kids to the park yesterday and as Z went off on the slide, Little E and I had our “conversation”

The whole “Why doesn’t Dad live with us?” question that he had asked me earlier in the day… I thought I had mentally prepped my answer, thought it through, and I thought I was ready to handle it in a way a 6-year-old would understand, without many follow-up questions.

I thought wrong.

We sat on a park bench and I told him that dad used to live with us and asked him if he remembers living in Kenya with him. He said oh yeah. I went on explaining that something happened between mom and dad, where dads imagination/brain made him think he was in danger a lot and at that time, his mind told him that mom was a bad person, so he hurt mom. So I made the choice that even though at the time I loved dad, I had to make sure you and Z, plus myself, were going to be ok. Because I didn’t know if dads mind was going to think up any other silly things that might hurt anyone else. So I took you, and Z and we moved out of the house where dad was, and back to Canada to live with Nanna and Nonno.

I wanted to make sure everyone was safe. And now, like I’ve told you before, dad takes medicine to help his voices go away, so he’s not scared anymore. But the medicine also makes him very tired. Which is why when he visits you and Z, he just likes to sit there and doesn’t talk much or have the energy to play with you.

This whole time Little E was taking it all in and asking a few questions here and there, but then he asked this ‘how did you disobey?’

It occurred to me that Little E STILL remembers what happened to me (he was unfortunately in the room) and also still views it as a spanking. I do spank my kids very rarely, but I don’t beat them like E did me. I think because I closely monitor what my kids watch on TV or see online etc, this was the only ‘violence’ he’d really known. So the only word he had to describe one person hitting another in any fashion, was spanking. And therefore, since I obviously don’t spank my kids for fun, he associated it with the fact that I must’ve been being disciplined for something I’d done wrong in the eyes of E. Totally reasonable though process for a 6 year old.

So I explained that (please bear with my very basic explanation, he’s 6 not 16, I had to make sure I was on his level) husbands and wives don’t have to obey each other like kids should obey their parents. Parents have to teach kids because you’re still learning and we are there to guide you. But moms and dads should be a team. Not one the boss of the other. I’m still on your team Little E, but I’m coach. There’s a difference. Ok? He kinda nodded but I think he still wanted to know what I did wrong to warrant such a ‘spanking’. Probably so he could avoid that behavior in the future and not get in such “trouble” himself.

But I reassured him that dads medication made sure that when he’s with Little E and Z, he’s ok. Meanwhile my mind is screaming out a million ‘what if’s’  And reminded him that we’re doing great and having fun living in our house with just the 3 of us.

That’s when he pulled out “Maybe I’ll have another dad one day, that would live with us!” And I said yep. (and then of course the tears welled up, seriously what is wrong with me these days) One day mommy will maybe start dating a man and then get married and you and him can talk about him being your dad. Because Little E, E will always be your dad, but… and then he interrupted and said ‘but then I could have two dads!’ With a big smile on his face. I said ‘one day, maybe.’

And in my head simply thought how much I wanted that for him as he joined his sister in the park.

-Metallica/Mama Said-

I’m Friends With The Monster That’s Under My Bed. Get Along With The Voices Inside Of My Head

She was set free3 Comments

Once E was served with divorce papers, he called me freaking out. It took over two months for my lawyer and I to get everything straightened out on paper and all the proper documents filled out, before he was actually notified on April 29, 2014. All the time between my flying back from Kenya and him being served, I think he thought I was joking, or just playing a game, hoping he would change or something. I honestly don’t know why he was so surprised that I actually filed for divorce. When I say I’m going to do something, I do it…

But, those papers started a whole myriad of amazing lies on his part.  Time after time I was left speechless at the items he put in his “sworn statements.” Things he “promised” were the truth, and it just confirmed to me how much of a liar I’d been married too.

First and foremost, he claimed, under oath, that he had caught me IN BED with our farm boy that Sunday morning back in January, but no violence occurred, and so he wanted to divorce me because of that. Seriously? At this point E, I don’t even care as long as I get out of this marriage to you. But then it went on to say that I had beat up his mother when I was trying to leave Kenya (claiming she had suffered a concussion) and that the incident with his father and the van never occurred. Oh common, I have picture evidence! Next, he said that I owed him some $21,000.00 for some reason, yet to still be determined. Haha for real? Dude, you haven’t held a long-term steady job our entire relationship! I’ve paid for practically everything in our lives, meaning houses/land, schooling, cars, and multiples cross-continental trips every time you had a whim that you wanted to move back and forth between Kenya & Canada. If anything you owe me a ridiculous sum of money. But I wasn’t asking for money. All I wanted was a life free from E. As soon as possible.

Life never works out like that though. Because after I left E, his mental health deteriorated quickly. He slowly stopped answering phone calls, and even texts became too much for him. He started missing meetings with his lawyer which delayed everything even more than necessary. I was finally on the phone with him one day after not hearing from him for a while to discuss a court date. I asked him how he was doing, knowing his past problems with anxiety. He shared with me then, that he was too scared to leave his house to even get groceries. I tried my best to convince him to get help, to find a Dr., or someone he felt comfortable confiding in to talk to, but nothing ever came of it.

Then, a couple of weeks later, he went missing. Not answering calls, or texts. He even missed showing up to a prearranged visit with the kids. So I got worried. Just because I no longer wanted to be the man’s wife, didn’t mean I wanted anything bad to happen to him (or anyone). So the search was on. He had been staying with a guy from work, who said he hadn’t seen him in a couple of days (also mentioned to me that E owed him rent money if I felt like paying for him, haha no thanks). I called his work, who said E didn’t show up to the plane to head up to camp for his latest shift. I called some of his family in Kenya, as well as his one brother living in the States… No one had heard from him.

So I ended up calling the police to file a missing person report. I explained that he might be dangerous, and that he didn’t have all his faculties at the moment. They, again, weren’t helpful. They explained that even if they did find him, they couldn’t do anything. E was a grown ass man. If he didn’t want anyone to know where he was, than the police couldn’t inform me of his whereabouts even if they did locate him. Fine. I was just trying to be helpful. It’s the middle of January and I’m thinking he’s out on the streets somewhere, afraid of life and no ones around to help. And so I felt bad. During this time, I felt bad for leaving him. I felt like I had been the stability in his life, and maybe if I had stayed with E, then his illness would’ve never progressed to this point. I felt like my leaving him had “pushed him over the edge” so to speak.

But then a phone call came. It was E, and he was on his way across the country. He told me he had sold everything he owed except what fit in one suitcase, and had bought a bus ticket to Ottawa. What??? WHY??? Oh, C. Don’t ask a mentally ill person to explain their actions… because then you get answers like the following…

He felt like people were out to get him, and so he didn’t feel safe where he was. Umm Ok? Why Ottawa though? Two reasons, he has one old friend from Kenya who lived there, and the Kenyan Embassy was located there. What the heck was the Embassy going to do? You need a Doctor! I couldn’t hear much else over the phone so our call was ended abruptly since the bus was going through a tunnel of sorts, but I knew he was at least alive. I called his family to let them know where he was and to let the friend in Ottawa know to expect E. I had to then call the police and cancel my missing person report, even though I knew they had been putting zero effort into finding him regardless.

Another two months or so went by with no word from E. Until finally one day I receive an email from his email address, but I knew right away it wasn’t him who had written it. “He” asked how the kids were doing and also needed some paperwork from me. I emailed back asking where he had been for the last month, and who was writing his emails and then they whole story came out. Kinda… Well as good as it gets with this man.

According to E, after he got to Ottawa, he somehow found his old rugby buddy and stayed with him for a bit. But the “voices” became too much for him. And the paranoia was so bad, that his friend found him one morning sleeping UNDER the bed to hide from whatever was out to get him. So at that point, his friend took him to the hospital. Where he’s been officially diagnosed with a severe case of paranoid schizophrenia, depression and extreme anxiety. He was locked up in the psych ward, fed a concoction of medication, and hadn’t had access to his phone or email until that day, since he had earned access outside the ward. His therapist had helped him write the initial email to me.

In some ways I felt relieved that he was finally getting help. I felt like it validated my feelings of frustration. Trying for years to make a marriage work. A relationship work. But constantly feeling like I wasn’t getting through. Feeling like he was never listening to me. In a way, he never was. He was listening to all the voices in his head. The voices telling him everyone was against him. That I was against him. It explained a lot, and although it didn’t forgive his behavior, it made me feel like less of a failure. Like I had done all that I could, but he was legitimately ill. I could’ve tried ’til I was blue in the face, but nothing would’ve helped our marriage. Not until he received the proper care he needed, and I and others had continually suggested. And now he was getting it.

E was held in the psychiatric ward in Ottawa for about 4-5 months. The doctors called me a few times asking for a little background information, and informed me of his treatment plan. I had to explain many times that we were no longer a couple and that no, I wouldn’t be helping him once he was released. E ended up staying with his friend in Ottawa for about 3 months once he was released from the ward to maintain his follow up visits. The Doctors wanted to make sure he was continuing up on his medication and counselling, letting me know that there is no cure for his condition, and that he would be on medication for life. Also letting me know that a relapse is likely, and that if there was a history of violence, there was a strong possibility of more violence.

E’s friend was fine with having him stay there, but after a while, I could tell that he was getting a little frustrated with E’s extended stay, and I had to break it down to E in the simplest of terms. He couldn’t live with his friend forever. His friend was married with two kids, and although I’m sure they’d enjoyed this time to catch up, he and his wife probably wanted to get back to their own life. E was able to call his old job and get his previous position back for himself, even though his hours/duties had to be modified as per doctors orders. I was probably just as glad as his friend was for him to start back at work, because I’d been missing out on child support payments for the last 8-9 months.

Now that E is on medication, he is a little more reliable as far as payments for the kids go, but the medication has changed him. He is constantly tired and has gained a solid 75 lbs is not more. His thinking has slowed dramatically and it’s like talking to a kid, which is ironic, because that’s how I felt dealing with him before. When he does get to see our kids (about once a month) he takes them to the same place and just sits there while he watches them play. Actually, now that I think about it… that’s pretty much how he was before minus the weight gain. So not much has changed.

Cest La Vie

-Eminem/Monster-