My Mama Loves, She Loves Me She Gets Down On Her Knees And Hugs Me She Loves Me Like A Rock She Rocks Me Like The Rock Of Ages

*** UPDATE *** I’ve linked my Instagram for pictures. Relevant to the post 😁****

Totally not the topic of my post but I’m at Starbucks writing this morning, since I’m meeting with a friend. Normally when I come and write here, I order my drink in a porcelain cup, you know to save the environment and not use a plastic cup and lid. So I order as per usual, and the barista says they aren’t serving in to-stay cups because of the corona virus. Like what? How will me not a WASHABLE MUG, that should be sanitized thoroughly with hot water and soap be helpful? Sure you don’t want to touch my germs (that I don’t have, since I’m not carrying the virus), but I would place the mug in a wash bucket/bin for you and you use gloves to put it in the dishwasher…. I truly fail to see the benefit of not serving drinks in them during this time other than adding to our pollution.

However, lol. That’s not the point of my blog today. Just a thought I have while writing. Another thought, was I figured out how to edit/make new paragraphs on Little E’s IPad, so I’m moving up in the world. Lol. What’s actually on my mind today, is the facts that we as a family went to the dentist a little while ago. While we were there the hygienist, who is of Asian decent (not normally a factor but plays into the story in a minor way, as a minority in our town plus with her accent) made a comment to me. She’s a very kind woman, maybe late twenties, early thirties with no kids of her own. We’ve been to the dentist a couple times now since moving so we’ve been chatting a bit, I mean as much as you can while your mouth is stuck open while your teeth are being cleaned. So this time, as I was on my way out she said, word for word as it made such and impact on me: “So you adopted your two kids” With such a sweet smile and an air of, oh what a kind thing I’d done to adopt two siblings of colour who must have been from a foreign country and probably are so much better off with me. I must be such a good lady, to have saved them from whatever war zone or something like that. Like I’d rescued them. That sort of tone/look on her face. So I figured if she was going to push the boundaries and make such a statement that was so inconsiderate, and thoughtless, then well… 🤯 I responded with: “No, they’re mine, I grew them in my belly and pushed them out my own vagina. Thanks for asking.” She was so red, rightfully so. And rushed to say it was because they don’t look like me. Ok. Ok, ok okaaaay. I know my kids aren’t like spitting images of me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be considered or thought of as much their mom as other parents who are moms and dads of kids who aren’t mixed race, or look more similar to their children. Or that obtuse people can judge my kids heritage and make them feel like they don’t belong. In fact, I may be more involved in my kids lives than many other parents who look more like their kids than I do. Looking the same as someone doesn’t automatically make you more a parental figure than me. Parenting takes time and effort. It takes imparting wisdom and listening to their deepest fears and helping the kids work through them. It takes years of hard work, trying to figure out how to pay for extra curricular activities on a single mom budget and nights crying alone in bed worrying about their future. It takes hours praying for them, hoping they will make good choices for their own lives, while knowing you can’t protect them from everything, but wishing you could. It takes prepping three meals a day, seven days a week and about a zillion snacks for years, which I’m sure continues even after they move out. It takes holding your tongue when they bring home friends you don’t agree with, then having conversations with them later about being an influential figure not the one influenced. It’s about wiping tears and giving hugs even if your hurting to. It’s about helping with homework even if they teach math stupidly now. It’s about 7:00 am Saturday morning hockey games and Sunday afternoon dance recitals. It’s about showing them love and connection. Its about teaching personal hygiene and sexual education and loving others as well as personal boundaries. It’s helping little humans self discover who they are and teaching them it’s ok to change, or not know. It’s explaining to them when to say sorry, and when to stand your ground. It’s helping them learn about emotion and safe ways to express them. It’s about creating a home environment where they feel safe to come home to when nowhere else in the world is listening to them. The list goes on, and for me, it’s about doing it all by myself. So, yes these are my biological kids, but I think being a parent can be for anyone who has consistently put in that effort, time and love into a child who needs it. So was I offended when the hygienist said that? Not so much offended as shocked. I just figured that in this day in age people wouldn’t be out making statements about others life’s so blatantly, without and background information or invite. Do I blame here for thinking that? Not necessarily, since she’s not far from the truth. My kids and I don’t look a ton alike. What I would do though, is caution her from making those comments so haphazardly in the future again. Other individuals may not take her tactless comments so lightly. I am basically the only parent my children have known, and I will teach them that looks now, and in the future will never matter. Because it is 100% on the inside what matters. -Loves Me Like A Rock/Paul Simon-

We Don’t Fit In Well Cause We Are Just Ourselves / You Look Stunning Dear

Z has her first crush and it is adorable. It’s one of Little E’s basketball teammates and friends from school named Tyson. He’s a very friendly boy and when he’s over to play they include Z which she obviously loves. Over the weekend she had told me that she only likes two boys, Little E and Tyson and I said that’s fine you don’t have to like all the boys, as long as you are kind to them. But last night at basketball practice I saw her crush in action for the first time and realized it was more than just an ‘I like him the way I like my brother’

It was a quick water break and Tyson came to grab his water bottle from beside where we were sitting, which I should note that Z had brought for him since he had forgotten it at school, so she made sure to save it for him and brought it full of fresh water to practice. Anyways, Tyson comes to grab a drink and Z says hi Tyson with the slight giggle and smile and all the innocence of a 6 year old girl crushing on a 9 year old boy with me sitting right there. And Tyson being the wonderful kid he is says hi Z and has his drink with a smile. Then she kinda giggles and looks back at me. Then Tyson calls her name again and we both look and he’s making a silly face at her which she loves (oh kids) and he runs back on to the court.

I thought it was the most adorable things ever to see the whole interaction. How sweet and innocent and friendly they both were. Tyson’s a great kid. He’s also the boy who after dinner at our house announced he was excited to go through puberty one day (I can’t remember if I blogged about that or just texted his mom laughing so hard about it) he’s an only child but well rounded and a good friend to Little E and apparently Z too.

I’m looking forward to what this grows into.

When his mom showed up to pick him up for practice we chatted for a bit and I mentioned that Z had a little crush. Her response surprised me. His mom and I have become acquaintances throughout this school year and she’s been over for coffee a couple times but it takes time to really know a person right? So when she said ‘Oh that’s ok, I’d be cool with a little colour in the bloodline’ or something along those lines. I was completely thrown off. She went on about how their pale Scottish skin could use some colour etc but I wasn’t really listening at that point anymore.

I guess it didn’t occur to me that my kids would face this kind of racism in their life. Subtle. But extremely there. Words that don’t need to be said and can be hurtful.

All it is, is a harmless crush between kids. There was no need to bring melanin into it. And to have that be your first reaction must mean it’s near the forefront of your thoughts. As opposed to the innocence and beauty of the relationship forming, your thoughts jumped to colour. I dunno. Not the best foot to put forward in my opinion.

So. I just felt it was the cutest moment on the kids part I wanted to share. And hope that as they grow older they learn healthy ways of interacting with each other. That help each other grow into beautiful human beings. Weather they end up together or not.


-Beautiful People/Ed Sheeran-

Even When The Fight Is Won / Even When My Time On Earth Is Done / Even When It Makes No Sense To Sing

Sometimes I think about how difficult it would be to be ‘God’

I know that’s an unusual thought pattern, but have you ever considered it? What it would entail to create a whole universe? And the so far thankless job it has been?

I get it. Lately people have shrunk God down to a judgmental deity who sits on a throne and whose only job is to determine who gets to enter his realm of heaven upon death, which is also his responsibility if deemed unsuitable by human standards. And by default, if the soul is ‘unworthy or sinful or hasn’t chosen Jesus as the way’, cast them down to the lakes of eternal fire where good ol’ Satan does his thing.

Now keep in mind, all of this is according to us. Human beings have determined this as the limitations of God and that this is how the after life goes according to voices from God to prophets long ago and religious sects just… went with it? What if God, as we call the all powerful being, is so much more than that and has been trying to break through and reveal MORE of it’s energy and phenomenal self to individual beings for centuries now, but to believe in anything more than what was written long ago leads you to be called an extremist or crazy etc.

Like I’m not saying what’s in the Bible or any other religion’s Holy manuscript is false. What I’m alluding to, is the fact that we cannot contain GOD in a book. And there will always be more to him. Yes, “it is finished” but y’all are forgetting the part about how he returns. And how God wants to finish the great work that he started.

Who are we to determine how or when?

That’s what I mean by it must be so frustrating to be the actual source of power and creative thought behind everything in this place. You go through all that time and effort to create a beautiful journey for everything in this world both for yourself to enjoy. I would think as an infinite being,  you would get bored just chilling by yourself, so some company to interact with and watch would be nice. You liven things up a bit by allowing free will even though humans are dumb as fuck and mess things up on the daily. You allow forgiveness and mercy under one condition.

Yet people still assume they just…. got here on their own? Like they assume they are here ‘just because’ or somehow deep within themselves contain the power to create themselves? Like for real? Take a long hard look at yourself. I’m not talking while reading this post. I’m saying over the course of a year or two. Examine your life. Do you think you were able to create this WORLD and live within it on your own? If so… wow. But if you are able to really look deep within yourself. To your very first thought and action, I know you cannot prove where you came from. You have to acknowledge that your very presence on this earth came from a source that you should at least recognize.

I’m not here advocating for the God the Christians claim to worship, or Budda, or Allah or any other deity. I’m saying there has to be something deep inside of you that allowed you to start this journey.

To me, that has to be the one true God. But the thing is, when you look at the god all the religions talk about and worship, in a round about way, they speak on the same idea.  So why have people created separation and  division in a God that desires togetherness and healing. The annoyance that must have been sparked from the beginning to have so many different ideas emerge about how to worship and how to believe, must mean the idea of God has been around from the start. That would have allowed more time for the fractions to take place. But the starting thought is the same. There is one God. To be honest I highly doubt God/Budda/Allah/Etc gives a flying fuck what you call him/her/it. As long as you practice the principles laid out at the beginning of time/creation. Because the thing is, I’m sure God goes by all the names.

God

Time

Allah

Love

Peace

Budda

Zion

And the list goes on… infinity, because you see, God is in all things. God created all the words we think by allowing this world to take place and come together. ‘

So the frustration on his part must run so deep. Creating a beautiful earth for us to live and move freely, and us humans just go and mess it up so deeply out of our free will.

At least I know when my body gives out, I’ve recognized as much of the Godly power as my human mind is capable of and I know to God I will return. And then his ultimate peace and power will shape more in me than my human mind could ever fathom.

That’s what I’m living for. That’s when good wins.


-Hillsong United/ Even When It Hurts-

 

 

Shawty Said The Ni**a That She With Ain’t Shit / Call Me So I Can Come And Prove It To You

So bar boy came over again. Two weekends in a row. And you know what. It was nice. Really nice. His dick is still too big and that part is annoying, but the part of having someone in my bed holding me throughout the night and waking up to morning sex and the intimacy part where he is so considerate of what I need and how I respond to his touch… that part is what I’ve been missing for too long. Just good old fashion guy with girl beauty. In bed talking and touching and being with someone. I need that in my life so much. My love language is definitely touch and feel and to be alone for so long has been very draining on me on such a deep level. I thought I’d be ok just having my one night stands and getting what I needed that way, but that was ultimately more draining than fulfilling and probably let me worse off than before.

So I got in touch with army guy (I know I know to many guys) from a few summers back who I never actually slept with but for some reason we got along fairly well. At least well enough that I didn’t sleep with him (because our conversations were so good) that I told him straight up that I was in love with K and there was no way we’d end up together. I know I’m so messed up, if I have feelings for a guy I don’t sleep with them? I’m backwards. So anyways army guy and I have a 5 minute chat every 4-5 months just to keep in touch and so I asked him his opinion on the following since he’s a guy I can just be honest with.

How do you tell a dude his dick is to big, but you still wanna keep him around for everything else? C he said, if you tell a guy that, he’s not going to be offended, but he’s not going to want to come just to hold you and stroke your hair. You gotta learn how to take a dick.

Annnnnnd yet another reason I never slept with him, our conversations were honest, but he was an ass. Ok. For starters. I can take hella dick. It’s when it feels like it’s gonna break a rib or trying to give you CPR and restart your heart with each thrust that I have no interest in it anymore. I like sex to be pleasurable, not feel like I have to wiggle away each time he humps me because I’m feeling like it’s hitting a brick wall inside and going to break me.

The thing is, I don’t want to fault bar boy for being so well endowed and sweet. Like he texts me everyday to say good morning and ask me how I’m doing on top of the caring vibe I got from him while he was around. Don’t worry I’m not catching feelings. Like I have zero interest in this guy long term. He already told me he’s only in town until December, which is probably why I felt comfortable enough to have him around in the first place. I knew there were boundaries from the get go. I knew it wouldn’t have a catch to turn serious, so I felt safe. I told you I’m broke 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not interested in getting attached to anyone anymore. I’ve been through enough heartache, but a girls gotta get her bed rocked WAY more often than I have been and as much as I fooled around with my toys every so often, it’s not the same for me and I don’t get the same enjoyment out of them as I do real sex. I like to be touched. I like to be tasted. I like to be pushed past my limits and I can’t do that to myself. I like to be kissed and held. Oh my god I like to be kissed. And held.

So here’s my lame dilemma. Do I risk telling him his dick is uncomfortably large, and have him stay away, losing out on the only enjoyable male companionship I’ve had in over a year? Or possibly yes I tell him and he decides that for the next few months he’d rather want my company with no sex but still everything else. Do you think he’d still stroke my hair until I fell asleep? Do you think he would sleep over and not expect sex. Or should I just keep it as is and awkwardly wiggle away each time he shoves his massively huge cock in my apparently small tight pussy, in order to keep the other benefits until December?

Like I said, it’s a lame dilemma, but a choice I need to make nonetheless.

So blogging word… recommendations?


-Lil Wayne/Lollipop-

This Girl Is Half His Age Don’t Stand So Close To Me

I made a mistake.

As a mom. I didn’t realize how my comment would affect Little E until the other day I went to give him a hug and kiss, which is pretty standard in our house and he turned his head so I could only kiss his cheek as opposed to his lips. So I asked if he was to mature to give his mom a little kiss? Let’s be reasonable here just for discussions sake. It’s not like we kiss with tongue or anything longer then a quick kiss to show affection and love. It’s nothing sexual and totally fine. But when I asked that he replied that no, it wasn’t because he was to cool, it was that a few days ago I made the comment that he should not kiss Z (his little sister for my new readers) on the lips. Now. For perspective, my kids just turned 6&9 this summer. And once in a while when they go to bed or say goodbye, they’ll give each other a big hug and a kiss. And apparently my uncomfortableness felt the need to push its way to the surface finally and I asked them to build walls between themselves to make myself feel better.

When he said that, I felt like shit.

I didn’t mean to cause him to think showing affection towards anyone is a negative thing, or something that needed to be reviewed in his life. In fact I have no logical reason for making that offhand comment to him other than for the same reason I no longer allow them to bathe together or don’t let them have sleepovers in each other’s rooms. I have fear.

I don’t want anything happening to Z. Now please, please don’t get me wrong. I don’t think Little E would ever do anything intentionally her or vice versa but as a mother I have to understand kids are innocent, but they also like to explore. So since I have the knowledge of that, I have to use my personal position as an adult in authority to prevent any harm to either of them in anyway that I can. That includes any potential sexual exploration among each other.

I know. This is a very taboo topic. And one that each family decides for themselves.

I for myself was never sexually assaulted as a child by a family member, but when you hear stories, you want to make sure you are considerate of others pain, and think of ways to keep your own kids safe.

Obviously, I’m being on the extreme side when I bring up the term sexual assault. But it starts somewhere. And so I have to teach both of my kids safe boundaries in regards to how they treat their bodies as well as how they approach others. I wanted to make sure Z felt ok with how she was being ‘loved’ and also that just because someone else wanted a kiss, didn’t mean she had too. I said the same thing to Little E. Like if we go to even a family get together or something and you don’t want to hug or kiss someone, you don’t have to. And from there, no he felt uncomfortable giving me a kiss to.

So I guess that’s my own fault, but I also think it’s ok in a way. It’s making him think through intimacy and boundaries. I don’t want him to think it’s never ok to kiss others, but I want there to definitely open up a conversation about it.

We’ll see where this goes from here. And I apologize this post is all over the place. I’ve written it in bits and pieces over the day and don’t feel like even reading it over for consistency’s sake. But thanks for reading anyways.

Has anyone had this issue or conversation with your own kids? How did it go? Or did you just leave them on their own to grow and figure it out alone? Let me know!

-The Police/Don’t Stand So Close To Me-