Here Come Bad News, Talking This And That Well, Give Me All You Got, And Don’t Hold It Back Well, I Should Probably Warn You I’ll Be Just Fine No Offense To You, Don’t Waste Your Time Cause I’m Happy

Update…I’m alive.

Super alive.

Thanks for everyone’s concerns/comments about how I should choose to live my life, but I had a great night.

Go ahead and read while I write a blog that makes me sound like a complete bitch (opposed to all my other ones lol) but keep in mind, he’s the one who kept asking to come… I’m the one who chose him.

It was a good choice. Like all my other previous dozens of guys considering this wasn’t my first time as many of you thought, but thanks for the warnings.

So, he brought some vodka soda’s, we threw on Netflix, some random movie he picked although it’s irrelevant because we didn’t watch any of it, and about half way into my second drink practically 5 minutes into the movie, he asked me I wanted his infamous back rub. Ahhh duh, of course I did. I didn’t just want it, I’d been craving something like it. So I downed my drink and we moved it to the bedroom and he gave me a half decent, partially non-sexual back-rub before I asked him for another drink. I chugged the drink and then I literally just enjoyed over an hour of him rubbing me and him getting me off, while turning him down every time he asked if I wanted him to stick his dick in me.

I told him straight up from the start I didn’t want to have sex, but I selfishly took whatever else he was going to give me in the pursuit of it. It definitely fulfilled my need for human contact, because he tried EVERYTHING, and it was wonderful!

Then, when all was said and done… for me at least, I said he should probably go, which he did.

And I had the best sleep… I woke up with a headache from the 4+ drinks I had but other than that, I’m in a great mood today.

I did my hair and make up this morning, and even wore a skirt to work. Like I actually put in effort to get ready. I feel better. Relieved even. It was a good night. The only downside is that he was a short mother fucker lol. So, I think if I continue this kind of “self-care” lol, it’s 6 foot+ or no go. I just don’t feel like they’re manly next to me if they’re basically the same size or maybe even smaller. Doesn’t mean they can’t be a great fit for someone else! Just not me at close to 5’10.

So thus concludes my update on “How I avoided falling into depression 2018“. Stay tuned for the next chapter… “6 foot 4 or more”    😉


-Pharrell Williams/Happy-

 

If It’s Love And We Decide That It’s Forever No One Else Could Do It Better

And now ladies and gentlemen,  what you’ve all been waiting for (lol)

My brutally honest and never to be used (since I have zero desire to open a dating profile again) dating profile.

First, let me start off by saying, like most of you, I have no idea how to properly start this thing. How do I ‘sell’ myself to someone I’ve never met? How do I know what they’re looking for? How do I know what they’re not looking for and what might scare “you”… my potential “perfect” man away? But in the spirit of this post, I’m just going to be honest… in my good ol’ C fashion. Which trust me lol is going to scare you all away anyways.

So, let’s get the basics out-of-the-way. I believe in the dating world its “ASL” or for us newbies- Age, Sex, Location. (Ok, so I just realized I’m not going to reveal everything like location, due to some privacy but you’ll get my drift lol).

Age. I’m officially old. I hit the 30’s back in October which I’m feeling fine about, since age doesn’t bother me, it really is just a number. In the past I haven’t ever made a big deal about my birthday, but they actually are important to me. I think I just let them slide because no-one close to me felt the need to congratulate the fact that I survived another year on this earth with a big celebration. So if you want to date me, it is important to me that you at least acknowledge my birthday with a small gift, or even better, arrange for a special date night. This would be even better is you repeated it every year on my birthday because, surprise surprise, those things continue each year on the same day until I die. I don’t expect fancy gifts, or even want big expensive presents. I prefer time spent together and just the fact that you remember and are happy that I’m still alive and was born however many years ago is so valuable to me. Because without my birthday, you wouldn’t have found the woman of your dreams. Although flowers would be nice.

Sex. Well, I’m very much a female, whose looking for a manly man. I don’t mean a man who needs to walk around in red plaid and suspenders swinging an axe all the time, but I also mean… A MAN. Like ok, I like the fact that men can grow beards, and can for the most part, grow amazing beautiful big muscles that just looks good on them (hey this is my honesty), but I also like the ones who recognize that men and women are different and are sensitive to that separation. I’m not talking about keeping woman in the kitchen type shit (more on my kitchen skills, or lack thereof later) I mean a man who will understand that my body is made different and yes, our minds sometimes work different and our emotions can be different. But most importantly he understands that that difference is NOT weakness. So yes, I am a female with female curves and female hormones and a very female vagina. Please be a male with original working parts. I’d like to use them often.

Location… Welp, that’s for me to know.

Next, Imma let you know straight off the bat that I have two kids that are better than any you’ve met before. Yes, they are from the same dad. No, I’m not a skank who slept around and randomly got pregnant. Well I have slept around, but never produced a kid from it. My offspring are both from a marriage that failed miserably. Yes, their Dad is still kinda in the picture. They see him about once a month for a few hours at a time. No, he doesn’t ever call. No, he never just “pops by’ the house for a visit. No, he is not going to be an issue. I’m technically still married though because he has still not signed the divorce papers yet. Yes I’m trying to push the divorce through faster, but sometimes life is just not on my side.

So anyways, my kids. I treat them like actual humans with real and valuable emotions. They have chores and responsibilities around the house to learn that the world is not handed to them on a silver platter but some things are earned. I teach them manners and about respect. I explain to them that loving themselves is the most important thing though because it sets a precedent on how you should expect others to treat you. I would appreciate and enjoy any potential partner to act as a father figure if you feel comfortable doing so. In fact, I don’t see myself with anyone long-term who cannot accept my children as his own. In the future however, should we choose to have children of our own, then how we choose to raise those children would have to be decided on 100% mutually. Although I can tell you right now, that yep I do support spanking in a controlled environment as long as it’s not done out of anger. I think the parent is first and foremost a parent. Kids will have plenty of friends in their lives, but a parents role is to mold and shape the humans of the future, so I have to make sure I’m teaching them as much as possible about right from wrong, about kindness and love. My goal is not to try and make my kids like me. But make them love me long-term for the heart and soul I instill in them, and choose their own path.

Next, I’m actually expecting big things from a partner as far as a social life. Right now, I don’t get out much. I don’t have a ton of friends due to many moves around the world, changes in jobs, and basically cutting off a lot of dead weight in my life as far as social situations go. So I’d love it if the guy I date would actually do things with me. I know this seems like given, but it hasn’t been in my life, so it’s extra important to me. It would knock me off my feet if a man planned a date from start to finish for me. It would show me that he cared enough about me to invest the time thinking about what I might enjoy and then following through in arranging it for me (I’m actually still shocked that this happens in the real world).

Some things I would like to do? Please no movies or boring coffee dates, although I understand those are good for just getting out of the house every once in a while. But I honest to goodness crave adventure. I wanna go to an amusement park and go on the roller coasters. I wanna go to the shooting range and shoot guns (so much fun) I want to go quading and snowmobiling. I want to own a boat one day and just spend the day speeding around and drinking beers on the lake. Take me sky diving. Book us a mini holiday to a warm beach somewhere, heck take me on a cruise! And please, please for the love of everything good take me dancing. No matter how bad you may think I suck in comparison to you, I love to dance. So take me dancing, and be good at it. But never EVER take me camping in a tent. Not unless you previously set it all up and plan on cooking every meal yourself over the fire pit and are ok with me sitting in a super comfy recline lawn chair that you personally packed me, along with my favorite book by my favorite author (Ted Dekker) covered in bug spray. Nope scratch that, you built me a gazebo with a full mosquito net around my chair, that still lets the sun through, cause a girls gotta tan. Yeah… you should just probably plan on never going camping with me.

That being said, I like my alone time. I’m an independent woman, I don’t have to be with you every second of every day. I honestly don’t even have to know what you’re doing all the time. Like if I say I trust you, then I trust you. Just don’t be shady about shit ok? You wanna go out with the guys? By all means have at ‘er. I would hope you would feel free to tell me you’re going. It’s called communication, it’s how properly functioning adult relationships thrive. You don’t have to lie to me. I’m not your mom. ‘Cause I know you’re coming home to me, and not only that, but I would trust that you’re not messing around while you’re out. Because you chose me to be in relationship with. Just how I would expect the same level of trust from you. And if you don’t think you could do that, then move along.

Ummm, other honest little tidbits about me. I’ve recently lost almost 50 pounds, as well as started working out with a trainer. I actually love going to the gym, but with my kids its been difficult to go as often as I would like and I’m hoping once I move, I’ll be able to go more like 4-5 times a week as opposed to twice like now. Currently, I just work out with my trainer, but eventually I think it would be fun to work out with my boyfriend/S.O. every once in a while. I think it would be a great bonding experience, motivational, and I see zero downside of staying healthy together.

Staying in the vein of healthy, I’m not the best cook in the world, just because I find no joy in it. I’m probably not even the best cook in my house and I only live with my two kids. But I do my best to provide them with a balanced diet that includes all the food groups and teach them to eat until they’re satisfied. So if you can cook? Well that’s a huge bonus. But if not, I haven’t killed anyone yet from my cooking (that I know of) and I’ll always try my best…actually that’s a lie, I’ll always at least make sure there’s a meal on the table every night, but would actually love if we shared cooking duties.

I’m not interested in being a stay at home mom/housewife. I enjoy work. It’s challenging and makes me cringe some days, but I’d choose it over spending my days at home with the kids anytime. Did I take a year off work when each of my children were born? Of course, and I would do it again. I think that initial bonding time is vital. Plus nursing was my favorite, being all snuggled in bed with a baby while you literally feed them from you, it’s amazing. But then, after a year I’m back at work. I think it helps me be a better mom, to get away from the house and kids during the day. Then when I come home, I appreciate them more. I’m looking for a man who also values work. I don’t care what you do, as long as you like it, and have fun. Literally it could be anything as long as it doesn’t put my kids or myself in danger and brings in the cash. As it is, I support us decently enough (although lately that’s debatable) so anything you make is literally just gravy. (ie all those dates I mentioned above hint hint)

Some more about me that you might find disconcerting lol. I blog. About my personal life… so that might be an issue we can discuss if it bothers you. I smoke weed. Started off for my seizures (oh yeah I’m epileptic), but then it turned into an every night thing which my doctor said was ok. Even still, I test myself every once in a while by not doing it for a week or two just to make sure I’m not addicted… so far so good. I’m not a big fan of alcohol, but don’t mind a drink every now and again and it doesn’t bother me if you do. It would bother me I think, if you downed 3-5 beers a night though, or did any other recreational “things.”

So with all that being said, I’m just looking for a man who chooses me. Actually no. Not any man. Opps I just realized I’m picky too, but this is my ridiculously honest post sooooo. I like black men only. I like guys who are 6 feet minimum. I like guys with muscles. I like guys who read. I like guys who can think for themselves. I desire a man who holds me in his sleep just because I’m his. I want sex. A lot of sex, and I may or may not have a fantasy that requires rope. I require a guy who smiles and makes me laugh because that brings him joy. A man who can talk to me because we’re best friends. A man who believes in good vs. evil and that good is the champ. I want a man who can decide for himself and stick with his choices. I want a man who doesn’t care what other people think, about him or us. I want a man who will protect our love, because we have chosen each other and that is the most valuable commodity there is.

I want a man who thinks love is the greatest most powerful thing there is.

And so he chooses to love me.

*Now we know why I’m still single*


-Train/If It’s Love-

 

 

 

 

Please Don’t Look At Me With Those Eyes Please Don’t Hint That Your Capable Of Lies I Dread The Thought Of Our Very First Kiss

Maybe my tape measure is faulty, because I can think of no other logical explanation for how every man I’ve recently met recently whose profile said they were 6 feet plus, turned out near my height or as was the case last night, MUCH shorter. I’m 5’9, unless, like I said, every tool I’ve ever used to measure my height was faulty, than men just lie about their height, as if that’s not something noticeable the woman is going to pick up on ASAP. If you feel you MUST lie about something, lie about your shoe size or how many cars you own, or tell me some sad sob story about how your long lost brother died when you were 12 and so you do charity work in his name… just not something obvious that I’m going to be able to call you out on the minute I see you! Common!

So it started off, this guy I’ve really casually been chatting to for a couple weeks asked me out for coffee last night. My kids were spending the night at my parents (Woooo party 🎉 lol) and so I agreed. Turns out he lived really close and so we picked a coffee shop nearby and a time and that was that.

I decided to walk to the Timmys since it was close by and I just wanted a nice stroll without kids and a chance to clear my head before I met the guy. Basically it was my pep talk time lol. I’d hardly done this before, so since I had about 5 minutes to get ready after work, I brushed my teeth, rolled on some deodorant, went pee and that was the extent of my ‘date’ prep. I threw on my chucks, still in the same clothes I wore to work, stuck in my headphones and headed out the door. Hey I figured if you only give me 5 minutes to get ready, how good can you really expect me to look lol?
The whole 20 minute walk I’m going over scenarios in my head, while reminding myself that if I don’t like him I can leave, and I don’t owe him anything.

So I got to the coffee shop and met the guy. First impression? Eh. I knew right off the bat he was not the one. I found myself comparing him to other men and not liking many aspects of his personal appearance as well as mannerisms. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great guy and we got alone just fine, like I had a decent night, but no thanks, I’m not interested in doing that again.

He was sitting in a booth so I walked in and sat across from him and we said our hi’s and all that awkward stuff. Then he asked me what I wanted and I gave him my order and then excused myself to use the washroom quickly. I just wanted to regroup and also I’ve been drinking so much water lately that after the walk my bladder was going to burst.
I came out and he was still in line so I joined him and our turn was up. He ordered for us, remembering my order like a pro and we kept up the banter no problem. The problem though? Is that I found myself slouching so that I didn’t seem so tall. It was weird, but subconsciously I feel like if a man goes to such lengths to lie about his height, he must be worried about it, so let me support him by not ever seeming taller than him or something… ridiculous I know, but while we were waiting for our teas I realized a few times that I wasn’t standing as I normally would. Instead my legs were more spread or my shoulders dramatically slouched. I think he noticed it to, since he was constantly leaning on things as if he could defend his height lie by saying oh I’m taller than this it’s because I’m leaning or sitting on the edge here etc.
But moving on lol. We got our coffees and then we road tripped to Costco (super fancy). But nooooo not the 2 right near us, we had to drive to the one way on the other side of town… because, I realized later, 2 buddy’s of his worked in the liquor store at that location and I think he just wanted to be seen with a girl.
So we spent over an hour browsing Costco for about 6 items he needed. That’s it. What a waste of time!
I get it was supposed to be fun, but he just kept pushing the cart so slowly OR WORSE stopping it for like 5 minutes in the middle of the busiest aisle to talk… about nothing! Well that’s a lie. He spent a good solid 10 minutes telling me literally everything he eats in a day. 😫. At one point in that conversation I actually told him I was bored with it (rudest thing I’ve ever done on a date) and he said “I know but I’m almost done” and kept going! He used to be a really heavyset guy and over the last 3 years or so I guess he’s lost about 50 pounds, which is great! But I don’t need your detailed meal plan. Like not only did he tell me WHAT he ate, but also portion sizes (ounces and everything) and how he prepared it. It was excruciatingly boring to listen to.

So then we went and browsed the books and movies section where we saw the CD/DVD’s that teach you to speak another language. So we talked about that for a minute and he’s like I’ve always wanted to learn a different language, I should get one. I’m just thinking like dude, don’t get one. If you haven’t bought one by now, you don’t need it/won’t use it, don’t buy it just to impress me. But I kept my mouth shut. Turns out, yep he’s apparently going to attempt to learn Spanish 😏. Sure he is. That CD is going to sit unopened in his house forever just gathering dust, but that’s not my problem.

Then we finally made it out of Costco and next door towards the liquor store. I’m not a big drinker but he DEFINITELY is. He kept discussing this alcohol vs. that alcohol and the benefits of one compared to the other. It was just another boring conversation. Then he met his 2 friends that I guess he hits up the gym with and he was polite about it, he didn’t chat it up with them forever it was a simple quick hey how’s it going what’s up kinda thing. Then he bought about $400 worth of alcohol. 400 dollars. W. T. F. Dude? Is this a normal Thursday night for you? Or how often do you do this? Or is this a one time impress the girl move? Cause I’m more concerned about your sobriety than impressed to be honest! But whatever you are not my responsibility.

Anyways, we got into the car and at this point we didn’t really have a destination and he was just driving in the direction we came. I hate that. I don’t just ‘go for drives’ I think it’s pointless and a waste of gas. When I drive I have a destination or I at least know like let’s go for a drive around the city… then I know once we finish the loop around the city we’re done and we go home. But the whole “just drive thing”… hard no. Not for me. So I was like just head to my place please, mainly based on the fact I needed to know where we were going. Once we got to my house a massive storm had started and we sat in the car for a while chatting.

I didn’t really want to invite him in but I didn’t really want to be rude and not… so I was like oh, you probably have to get that meat home and in the fridge… or did you want to come in? What time do you have to get up for work again? Knowing he gets up at like 4 AM.
So I did my part lol and he politely declined my lame invite and said yeah he had to get home or he would have come in for sure. Next time definitely. I was thinking that’s assuming there is a next time. I thanked him for the night and then ran into my house through the rain… oh he did offer me an umbrella but I honestly didn’t want to have any reason to have to see him again to have to return it, so I turned it down, besides what’s a little water right? I won’t melt. At least I haven’t yet.

He texted me about 15 minutes later something about getting home through the storm ok, and he tried to continue the conversation for a bit, but I honestly just wanted to chill and maybe watch some tv or sleep, so I wasn’t to responsive.
So to be fair, it was a pleasant enough night, but one I don’t want to repeat. So the next day I politely as possible texted him and explained that he was a nice guy and I had a good time, but he just wasn’t what I was looking for and I didn’t see it going anywhere. Then I wished him all the best.
Better luck to the next one.


-Blink 182/First Date-