Here Come Bad News, Talking This And That Well, Give Me All You Got, And Don’t Hold It Back Well, I Should Probably Warn You I’ll Be Just Fine No Offense To You, Don’t Waste Your Time Cause I’m Happy

Update…I’m alive.

Super alive.

Thanks for everyone’s concerns/comments about how I should choose to live my life, but I had a great night.

Go ahead and read while I write a blog that makes me sound like a complete bitch (opposed to all my other ones lol) but keep in mind, he’s the one who kept asking to come… I’m the one who chose him.

It was a good choice. Like all my other previous dozens of guys considering this wasn’t my first time as many of you thought, but thanks for the warnings.

So, he brought some vodka soda’s, we threw on Netflix, some random movie he picked although it’s irrelevant because we didn’t watch any of it, and about half way into my second drink practically 5 minutes into the movie, he asked me I wanted his infamous back rub. Ahhh duh, of course I did. I didn’t just want it, I’d been craving something like it. So I downed my drink and we moved it to the bedroom and he gave me a half decent, partially non-sexual back-rub before I asked him for another drink. I chugged the drink and then I literally just enjoyed over an hour of him rubbing me and him getting me off, while turning him down every time he asked if I wanted him to stick his dick in me.

I told him straight up from the start I didn’t want to have sex, but I selfishly took whatever else he was going to give me in the pursuit of it. It definitely fulfilled my need for human contact, because he tried EVERYTHING, and it was wonderful!

Then, when all was said and done… for me at least, I said he should probably go, which he did.

And I had the best sleep… I woke up with a headache from the 4+ drinks I had but other than that, I’m in a great mood today.

I did my hair and make up this morning, and even wore a skirt to work. Like I actually put in effort to get ready. I feel better. Relieved even. It was a good night. The only downside is that he was a short mother fucker lol. So, I think if I continue this kind of “self-care” lol, it’s 6 foot+ or no go. I just don’t feel like they’re manly next to me if they’re basically the same size or maybe even smaller. Doesn’t mean they can’t be a great fit for someone else! Just not me at close to 5’10.

So thus concludes my update on “How I avoided falling into depression 2018“. Stay tuned for the next chapter… “6 foot 4 or more”    😉


-Pharrell Williams/Happy-

 

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Who Gon’ Pray For Me? Take My Pain For Me? Save My Soul For Me? ‘Cause I’m Alone, You See

I need to get laid.

Not that it would be hard if I put any effort into it whatsoever, but needing and wanting are two completely different things. Swiping right (or whatever way you swipe to choose yes on the infamous app) would be so easy to produce a one night stand. But I’ve just come to the point in my life where I’m done with that right now.

I’m done with so much fake shit. I can only ask how many siblings a person has so many times before craving something deeper, something real. Then having felt something more real, it’s next to impossible to go back to all that surface crap. Knowing there are guys out there who can legitimately care about other people, makes it hard to go back to your everyday run of the mill man.

Can I take care of myself? Of course, but it’s not the same as being fucked by an actual living, breathing, warm, body. So now I’m at an impasse. I want real sex. But I don’t want to ever have to go through the “meet and greet” stage ever again.

I have also been avoiding blogging about K for a long time because it’s been painful to put closure on. I don’t even know where to start/end this blog.

Let’s just say we are no longer speaking basically. And that hurts me to the point that there are tears in my eyes as I write this. Which is why I’ve been avoiding it. I wanted to pretend if even in my mind that it wasn’t over. But reality is real. And facts are facts.

And those facts are that after one misstep after another, we’re done.

If I could pin-point it to a few crucial moments, it probably started with a horrible misunderstanding back in February. He called me at work one morning and it’s my belief that he had intentions of asking me out to lunch. But of course me in my ways ruined it and made him probably feel less than, which was never my intentions, but that’s what happened. In the end it was wrecked because of me of course. All I had ever wanted from him was for him to ask me out on an actual date. In public. So when the time came, and it was stressful and slightly awkward, trying to make the transition from FWB to an actual ask me on a date, it turned a phone call that could’ve been beautiful into something quite ugly.

The result? No lunch date that’s for sure. Just a string of awful texts and the end of the most important relationship in my life.

Then a couple weeks later as I was dealing with E and suicidal thoughts, I did call K. I felt I had no one else. I happened to catch him at work but he called me back and helped me out of what, he may not have known, but it was a moment of deep suicidal thoughts, something I’ll forever be thankful for. Unfortunately, I made a stupid move and then directed my anger at E.

All my anger. A lot of it. To the point I wanted him done with. And considered doing it myself . I went so far as proceeding to ask K if he had access to some illegal things (not that I could ever do anything, but I was just asking). Yep, I asked a guy who is trying to just finish up his time on parole and become a better person, if he could get me things that could fuck up his parole sooo bad. Not my brightest moment, but at the time seemed to make the most sense to me considering he was the only one I’d ever met who had past experience with that kinda stuff. I was in a dark desperate place for sure, I wasn’t at my finest during that time. Needless to say K wasn’t impressed and made the hella smart move of blocking me…After again cussing me out.

So, that’s where we stand. Apart from once when he called me last week to tell me he’d have some of my stuff for me before I moved this month, I haven’t physically talked to him in months. He needed to make a move that was safe and smart for his future. And I needed to smarten up.

And it’s been sad. For a lack of a better word, it’s been sad in my life.

Trust me, I know fucking a different random guy isn’t going to make this feeling go away, which is why I’m not even going to bother. I’m just saying…. I crave the feeling of a man holding me. Even if I know it’s not going to happen, I can want it, as well as regret my mistakes.


-Kendrick Lamar Ft. The Weeknd/Pray For Me-

Girl Look At That Body, I Work Out. When I Walk In The Spot, This Is What I See Everybody Stops And They Staring At Me

So today I finally signed up for Good Life gym. I did a little research on a few different gyms, and this one just seemed to fit my needs the best. There’s one literally right down the street from work downtown right now, plus one close by my current home. There’s also one in Kelowna for once we’ve moved, and there’s no transfer fee so that’s decent I guess. I managed to milk my membership for all it’s worth though lol. I signed up for the two year membership, which cuts down on the monthly fee, and I plan on using both here and once I move long term so why not get a cheaper rate if I know I’ll be sticking with it right? I also got them to give me 6 weeks free access before my fees kick in instead of the 4 week offer that’s currently on, just because I’m amazing like that. I also still asked for the 3 free visits before the 6 weeks free starts, because, well why not right?

As soon as I walked in the door though, I remembered why I’ve avoided the mass market style gyms for so long:

  • Girls going at like level one on the treadmill not even breaking a sweat, but shaking that booty juuuuust enough.
  • Guys walking around with their chests puffed out, making laps around the gym (behind the above mentioned chicks on treadmills of course), but I never actually saw them lift a weight.
  • 4-5 staff members standing around the front desk, gossiping about who knows what….Loudly.
  • The gym selfie people. Either the guy just finished a huge set and thinks his veins are popping, or the girl is perfectly poised to start her hot yoga class. All there in droves, posting to instagram stories I’m sure.
  • Girls travelling in packs like if they separate from the group, the weak ones will be picked off by the ravenous looking men. (It’s a thing, trust me)

All that fun stuff. Plus throw in the mix 2 guys I recognized from… well you know what from. I don’t even remember their names to be honest. All I know, is once I got changed and started my workout, Creep A (since I can’t remember his name) “casually” moved right to the machine smack dab in front of me to use.

I’m seriously doing EVERYTHING I can to focus on my squats and ignore him. I pull my hat brim down low, my music is up high, I’m literally looking straight past him trying to focus on my form and count off reps… But I can’t help notice that he’s only benching as much as I can, well that and the fact he had the worst sweat on his pants down the middle of his ass crack.

It’s like, dude. First off, I know it was only a one night stand, but why did I ever give this guy a chance? Secondly, buddy, don’t try and impress a chick by benching less than 100, just a little hint. Like I know we all have to start somewhere, and I’m 100% for each of us taking steps towards bettering ourselves, cause look at me, prime example here. But guys. Honestly. Don’t try to impress a girl by benching one plate, and looking like you’re struggling. It’s not attractive in the littlest bit. A girl wants to at least imagine that you can sweep her off her feet while fantasizing about y’all, even if it’ll never happen. You struggling with one plate just wipes all illusion about that away. Just a tip (that’s what she said). If you can’t bench more than that, but really wanna try and catch her eye, then walk away and do something you’re good at, which I’m going to assume is the treadmill or something cardio related, judging by all that swass.

Anyways, I finished my squats while ignoring him and moved on to some deadlifts, and I could see he had missed my switch, because while I’m in the middle of my set and watching my form in the mirror, I see him come around the corner scanning the room, blatantly obvious that he was still looking for me. Once he spotted me he ducked back behind the wall, not at all subtle, but 5 seconds later walks back in to a bar near me again.  Ok Creep A. If you wanna hit me up, just grow some balls and come up to me and talk to me, so I can turn you down face to face. Don’t stalk me around the gym while it’s obvious to everyone there that I’m trying to pretend like you don’t exist. Some other guy actually asked me if Creep A was bothering me, that’s how noticeable it was.

I realized upon leaving though, that this is probably going to be something I’ll have to deal with. Being the downtown location of a “brand name” popular gym, and the fact that I like guys who stay in shape (not exhibited in creep A)… This is most likely not going to be the only time I see guys I’ve slept with there. So I guess it is what it is. The one upside I can think of now, is that at least my body looks 50 pounds better than when any of them saw it naked.

And it only goes up from here.

Or down I guess lol. I don’t plan on gaining that weight back.


-LMFAO/Sexy And I Know It-

Only For Tonight Only For One Night Even Though You Don’t Love Me

My friends… at least the single ones, are constantly coming to me for “dating” advice. And when that happens, I laugh inwardly. In the entire history of the world, I’m like the least qualified person to be giving out advice about dating. Getting a guy for a quick fling, sure I’m your girl. But Honey, if your actually seriously about getting with someone long-term… walk far away from me lol.

I think co-workers and friends just liked hearing my stories each week about my weekend romps and whatever hilarious guy I was with recently. And I do have a flair for the dramatic when I tell those stories, as well as way too many dick pics to back them up.

Oh, and seriously what is with guys sending out those pics if I haven’t asked for them, which I think I’ve done maybe twice. It’s like a guy thinks if I have given him my number, then I want to see a picture of his junk. SOOO NOT TRUE!  I gave you my number so we could call… on the phone… and possibly hook up sometime. If I got to the point of giving you my number, than I already pretty much plan on sleeping with you, you don’t need to try to “impress” me with your penis. Trust me I’ll see it eventually. Ohhh and a heads up (lol, pun intended, I’m so funny) it probably won’t be the best dick pic I’ve ever gotten so PLEASE stop sending them. I honestly keep them for a week or two (not even, sometimes its DUA/delete upon arrival lol), and then delete them to make room for pictures of my kids on my phone. I have only 2 dick pics on my phone right now, and they both belong to K so it probably only counts as one. But to be straight up, I never look at them, nor have “used it” while taking care of my business on my own. Like it does not turn me on. But to each their own.

I think some chicks were jealous of the sheer number of guys I was dealing with at certain times. But to be honest ladies, it’s not hard at all. Like if you want dick… it’s out there and pussy has power. So the choice is yours.  I don’t regret the number of guys I’ve fucked, because for the most part I’ve enjoyed them. Sure there’s the odd dud every now and then, but that’s life. Sex is meant to be enjoyed. Would I prefer it to be enjoyed with one person… I think so, which is why I’ve deactivated my online dating accounts. But doesn’t mean I live in shame of the guys I slept with. Sometimes it just gets overwhelming…. Trying to remember who is who can get complicated.

Here’s a regular night:

Like this screen cap used to be a standard night, before I finally invite one of them over.

But doesn’t mean I live in shame of the guys I slept with in the past. It was what I wanted at the time, and made for some good memories.

Because, in messing around with all these guys, I learned so many different techniques and positions and was able to try out so many different sexual experiments that led me to learn what I like, as well as what I most definitely don’t. Things that I never would’ve experienced if I had ended up with W from the jump. Or even if I had stayed with E. For example I would’ve never found out that I’m a squirter from some older gentleman, while strapped me spread-eagle to a bed and blindfolded, while he used his selection of “tools” Squirting is something, as much as I enjoy, I also find annoying because when I squirt now, I find I’m just thinking about cleaning up the mess instead of enjoying myself. Point is, every “partner” has brought their own style and tricks to the bedroom/couch/table/countertop/floor/shower etc. and I’ve taken the good away from each encounter, and left the bad kissers, tiny dicks, sloppy tongues or whatever behind.

So am I experienced? Yes. Am I willing to try new things? Of course. Should I write a book called Dating for Dummies? Heck no! As noted before, I know nothing about dating, having never been on a “date” before. I have guys over, we have sex, and I try to get them out ASAP. They NEVER spend the night, and it’s even better when they don’t stay around for small chit chat after we’re done. I try and get my point across by getting dressed pretty much as soon as I’m done, and shoo-ing them out as politely as possible. Hoping they’ll take the hint… which has been pretty successful so far.

So if you want a “How To” book from me, it would definitely not be one on dating. It would be more along the lines of “How to Master the One Night Stand.”


-The Weeknd/Wicked Games-