Ya Ever Feel Like Your Train Of Thoughts Been Derailed? That’s When You Press On

I had a very memorable dream last night.

I was invited on a trip by a person, who was in one body, but in my dream I knew that physical body represented many figures in my life. The ones who stood out the most being K, then my mother, then my older sister R and E and a few friends, in that order.

They made a big deal about this journey we were about to embark on. Helping me pack my suitcase with beautiful items for this adventure. Making sure everything was prepared just so. Building up my anticipation, but no matter how many times I asked what the destination was I was ignored as they smiled knowingly.

I felt safe, and excited.

Then in an instant we were at the location where I assumed we were going to board the airplane. We bypassed the ‘commoners’ sitting in the waiting room since I was in the very best company and had been reassured that I deserved only the best. So I followed this person up an endless flight of stairs that became more opulent with each step. Every 5-10 steps there would be another person who would check my ticket or add a tag to my carry on bag, adding to the excitement. Each person ignoring my question of where am I going. Hostess offering complimentary drinks and men in suits willing to carry my bags as we climbed higher into the sky above the others seated in the waiting room below.

At this point I didn’t even know what the point of a plane would be I felt we were so high anyways, but finely the leading figure reached a door and opened it for me and I was more excited than I’ve felt in a long time. I followed the man I’ve trusted more than I should into what I assumed was a first class cabin to find my seat in this adventure.

But when we stepped inside, the lighting changed and the seats were like what you would find in a doctors office. Cold. Hard. Armless. I was led to my seat and told to wait here.

All of a sudden my bag was gone. My excitement was missing. My anticipation for comfort was slashed. It was just me. In a cold dark room filled with sick individuals.

Then I woke up.

And I realized that all the hype was for nothing.

I had been lead by false lies and hope to a barren room. And I had no one to blame but myself. I had trusted blindly. I didn’t demand answers. I let someone who had no investment in my future lead my way with zero consequence. Just slim hope that they would take me from the life I had created and make it better…. in whatever way they choose.

But the reality is we are all responsible for ourselves and our own actions. We must lead our own way. From the conscious action, to the unconscious thought.

Because they are connected and intertwined within our mind. So let’s be respectful of both sides of ourself and what we are looking for. Both within and without.

-Gym Class Hero’s/The Fighter-

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Peace Will Come This World Will Rest Once We Have Togetherness

I remember the time I had a thought that I felt was not my own. I’ve made the connection now that my thoughts had crossed someone else’s stream of consciousness, but at the time, it just felt like the weirdest thing for me as C to think.

I was laying in bed one night and looking at my nails which were painted black and an almond shape, when I had the thought ‘I wonder is this is the bullet that killed Tupac’.

Ridiculous. I never, in my life, think of any of those things individually let alone as a whole. I’m not pro gun. I don’t think of bullets or know the difference between types, nor do I care, Rest In Peace, what kind of bullet killed Tupac Shakur. But there I was cleaning my nails one night when that thought passed by in an instance.

I was stunned. But as I’m going through this process in recognizing the one consciousness, it makes sense that in more and more circumstances, we would have thoughts that are not produced by ourselves if we share one consciousness.

The more we become connected to the universal consciousness, the more we will have situations that will allow us to connect to others who have been in a vibration of such a similar state, that it seems identical and therefore the two streams connect and intersect, allowing previously thought thoughts that happened in that moment with one individual to pass through again, as the universe recognizes the similarities and assumes the same energies as previously created.

As I’ve been growing in this knowledge, I find that it’s more easily accomplished when one is at a state of rest and relaxation. Allowing previously created energies to flow through as well as the release of your own tensions and preconditions.

These are just my experiences and I thought you might want to enjoy it for yourself as we dive deeper into togetherness.

Anyways, if you used to think strongly about Tupac and wonder what bullet killed him, HMU. I’m sure we’d have a lot to talk about. 😉

– The Jimmy Castor Bunch / It’s Just Begun-

You Should Know I Wanna Make Sure I’m Right, Before I Let Go / You Know There’s Nothing I Would Not Do Before I Let Go

Last night I entered a new void. Where everything, past and present regarding my perception came out before me and all that remained as ‘me’ was the singular piece of knowledge that I was C. Every other thought I had ever had, every conversation that I’d ever taken been a part of was placed before me, as if it was facing a trail of my entire being all linked as one, and all the was left was of me was the tiny safety net of thought that I’m C. But in order to get to that point last night, I had to surrender everything. Every shred of dignity. Every point of judgement that anyone in my history may have had against me I had to contend with, and either admit that yes they were right in my thoughts or defend my position and they stood down and apologized. I had to defend my lifestyle choices. My parenting style. My religious decisions. Everything. It made me aware of everyone who’s ever held a judgment against me and for what. Conversation were had mentally, but during infinity I’m sure they will recognize those thoughts during their own point of reconciliation as their soul was working with mine last night even if their current consciousness doesn’t currently recognize it.

And after all the judgements were through (keep in mind this is something I’ve been dealing with for years now, last night was just a refresher or final run down) my ‘final’ thoughts were of peace and simplicity as my reality became undone- I wished everything lovely and peaceful for Little E and Z equally.

And with that, all myself was divided up into two world (independent of K this time, in fact he wasn’t even a part of this thought process last night) and given in beauty to Little E and Z in sacrifice and life for them. And in that moment I thought, I have never felt more dead. There was nothing. No thought. No room. No bed beneath me. No body attached to my knowledge of being C. Just the thought that I, C, in that moment had given everything and anything for another. And I knew and believed in pure totality that it was the end.

But as is with infinity, the end is also the beginning.

And as I laid there, the beauty of my sacrifice was visible to all in both my history as well as in that exact moment, all my perception rebuilt around me in an attempt to repay me for my sacrifice.

It was as if it was me, one singular soul against the world and it took that one sacrifice and once the sacrifice was realized, the world was so thankful for the innocence of it all that it wanted to give me my one last life filled with my simple desires in repayment for that knowledge.

So my world floated back around me one thought/person/memory realized at a time and yet in a single moment at once. Creating me as I was both minutes before yet anew and fresh.

The whole time different thoughts/individuals commenting to me that they wanted to give me my desires as thanks for my sacrifice. For making this knowledge come true in the world. That we as humans are capable of god like standing, but it comes with burdens and struggles which I’ve detailed along my journey and will only be achieved by those looking to create beauty. That we are all connected. That the consciousness is connected. That we can both live forever as well as opt out of life only when we have resolved the conflict we’ve created on our souls journey. And once I’m done as C, I will be done in my soul.

And I’m so close. I feel my historical pain is closer to being healed than most. The knowledge in knowing it’s not just issues C may have created, but my soul which has been in existence long before C was born is powerful in this healing process. Which means I had to dig deep into myself and understand why C felt the ways I do. And I’ve been successful so far.

Now I just have to stay on top of issues I may create as I live day to day, and resolve my last remaining issues (of which I’m mostly aware of what they are, they are just very challenging for me, as they are my deepest rooted and I haven’t figured out why they exist yet, and knowing the source helps heal the pain) once that’s done, I can be on my way to full restoration and then when my physical body dies, I can completely rest my soul.

A moment I cherish now. For when it comes, I will have no more feeling. No fear. No pain. No sorrow. No loneliness. No regret.

Nothing.

C will be done.

-Beyoncé/Before I Let Go-

You’re Just Like Me, You’re Out Your Mind I Know It’s Strange, We’re Both The Crazy Kind You’re Tellin’ Me That I’m Insane

How deeply have you considered how you came to be.

When you truly think on it, on how consciousness works, and how it started, you must come to the conclusions hat we have one consciousness.

Which leads to the terrifying and dangerous yet peaceful thought that we all are one. Not only in consciousness, but in body.

If we all started in the same thought, then if we allow ourselves to break down our walls that have been created through the years, walls that created individual humans, we come back to the oneness that is us. And if we allow ourselves to hear the thoughts of others, and consider the fact that we are not just ourselves, it will bring us both to the conclusion, but also the start of humanity. Being the thought that the first shall be last and the last shall be first/treat others how you want to be treated/ we are the body.

Every major religious experience will lead you to this idea. That we are one. But it stops at the UNDERSTANDING that we are actually the body. People as humans understand the IDEA and the control that we are connected. But fail to take it any step further. Because it blows the mind. It pushes the boundaries of humanity, and individuality. We are here on this earth to have our own experiences and perceptions and ideas. But once we understand that we are actually one… you revert back to a God standing.

So. How do you live a life on earth, with this knowledge?

Lol. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. It’s many out of body experiences. Floating between my human being and others. Experiencing moments from their perspective at moments of relaxation and it brings fear but also…. peace.

If I can do that… what do I have to fear? Ultimately nothing can hurt me, since I am just a projection of my thoughts, which can change at anytime. It causes me to treat people differently knowing that the truths I say outwardly will be one thing, but also the thoughts I keep within will be revealed at one point one way or another. It has helped me acknowledge that nothing is hidden forever. And that we are all accountable to each other, as each other is one.

Play attention to what the world around you is telling you. The clues left for you. You won’t lead yourself astray.

-Ava Max/Sweet But Psycho-

Shadows From My Past Life Is Real / So Real Sleeping Is My Leisure Waking Up In A Minefield Dream Is just A Pleasure Dome

I haven’t been writing.

How do I go from my last post to…. Little E joined soccer, or something else that seems so trivial now? Life is simultaneously seeming more pointless as the days go one, as well as revealing a wealth of information if I’m paying attention, which sometimes I refuse to, since the knowledge it reveals only makes living more confusing and…. pointless. Thus the infinite loop I seem to be stuck in.

I see how everything I do or have done in the past is influencing each moment in my present. I don’t mean something like “oh I spent my last twenty yesterday so now I’m broke”

I mean that each and every word I’ve said, or movement I’ve made or comment said to me is now literally fitting together in a puzzle that was my life. I can tangible see the moments of my past come together when the moment is suitable and I recognize why each thing in my past took place to mold me the way I am today… good or bad. Every breath reverberates out and the air flows to create things that take place I see now, but they take place tomorrow. Or I recognize small memories coming together to physically form situations large situations happen now. I can’t explain it well, but it’s like it happens in waves.

Even in my “sleep” a team I use loosely since I don’t feel like I’m even sleeping anymore. My dreams are constant all night. Vivid recollections of mine and K’s past melding together. Reconciling. And I find I jolt awake through the night when either harm comes to me in my “dream/sleep” or we come to a disagreement on how our life should proceed in that level of consciousness together. And I feel the same amount of rest that I used to get before this journey started, what like 2 years ago now? But now I’m more aware of the life my soul is living in my unconsciousness while I “sleep”.

Maybe I’ve been living that life with K since my soul journeyed into this world. Maybe this world here is just a fun thing for our souls to do in our spare time in the unconsciousness over there? Maybe that’s why we have this connection that we never knew possible or planned on or whatever. But maybe this perception is just a break from another larger perception?

Anyways, while I sleep, everything in my life as C has been reconciling. Fixing hurts and healing pains that have occurred since me as C was born. And it has been hard and I’ve been crying a lot as suppressed memories and fears have arisen as I jolt awake. But it’s also been very healing. Knowing more about why I am the way I am. How I got to be this way etc.

The main thing I have scaring me now, for a lack of better word, is the fact that my memories and dreams are now pretty much done, and now my dreams are so close to mimicking current life. Like last night it was just last summer and living in my parents house before the move out here, and how I felt being around my mom and why that caused me to feel and K visiting for Christmas and his pain with that etc. But my fear is, what happened when I’ve worked through everything?  What happens when my unconscious/subconscious catches up to my life/consciousness? What happens when there’s no more division between sleep and awake. Do I just live a day, then sleep the whole day on repeat??? If that even makes sense?  I guess saying it like that isn’t really a big deal, but it does bring up thoughts of death. I always thought when you die, it’d be as serene as sleep used to be for me. Just a vast nothingness… Like the best forever nap. But now that my sleep is not even sleep…. Is death even death?

I mean at this point, is life even life?

Everything has changed for me.

And I’m not sure what to believe or perceive anymore. All I know is that so far, I’m proud of my asleep C self. I can tell she’d making decisions my awake conscious self would be proud of. Choosing love, truth, and hope in all the situations she can. Although last night she road a motorcycle like a badass for fun (no harm in that) and ended up getting shot in the leg by someone… which is why I definitely know these memories/situations are not all mine lol. Anyways that made me wake up with pain shooting down my leg, that’s how life-like this has become.

So like I said… If there’s no “sleep” what is even real anymore?

But yeah… Little E loves soccer 🙂


-Queen/Life Is  Real-