It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

When you sit back and think about it, we all had to come from somewhere. Someone somehow we are all connected. I know it’s not a thought we all consider on the daily, but logically, this earth didn’t just appear yesterday functioning at this level of consciousness and efficiency that we are at today. Which leads me to wonder, when did it start, and from where, which leads to the only logical consideration that no matter what you believe as far as a creation standpoint, it will start at some point. Lending to the argument that we all, weather we like it or not, weather we want it or not, we all started at the same point. Not us in our physical bodies as we stand today, but as the very least the creation of either our thought or our soul or whatever you may call it.

So, if we were all “created” or “started” at the same “time” or within the same breathe or choose the same moment to begin, or whatever you believe or whichever path your thoughts took long ago, it really makes no difference what journey your thoughts took, what matters is that in this moment, we are here together, and we, logically thinking and speaking, all began in the exact same moment.

Have we had the exact same experiences since that time? Of course not. This journey is just that. A journey. With each of us individually afforded our own choices and decision making skills. Throughout the infinite history, it has brought our bodies to this point in time, where we can acknowledge the grandeur of our past and move on, or rest in our souls accomplishments thus far. Has your body completed what it wanted to when it first set out? Were you part of the decision making process to decide grass was green or the earth would rotate a certain direction or maybe your thoughts took the journey to decide the sun would burn hot instead of freeze cold.

And now we’re here. What are your thoughts actively partaking in? Are you thinking universal as you might have once done? Or have you narrowed your mind to just think simply of your bodies day to day activity?

They say ” God” is the body, the thought and the mind…. a do your u hear what I hear type thing. So when you lay in bed at night, have you closed your thoughts down to hear only “you” over the years, decades, even possible lifetimes you have lived? Or do you put your body to rest, and then just breathe. And relax your own thinking to slow down and hear the thoughts of others. Or on the other hand, are the thoughts you project into the world hindering the progression of what weave made thus far? Or contributing?

Or, the most fearsome consideration yet, have we all become so worn down by what we’ve created, that we’ve given up and we are all ready to go back to our original form. A much simpler, more loving, even God like form. Once we reconcile our lives and our souls can rest, we make that choice to. Instead of coming back to this projected perceived world, we make our final choice to rest our soul for good. We remove our thoughts and we, as an individual are no more. No more thought. No more chances. Just done.

Chosen one person at a time, will leave this world with many broken souls who didn’t know they had the chance to choose. Not somewhere I’d like to be, but once my soul is done, not something I will have knowledge of either way..


-R.E.M/ Its The End Of The World As We Know It-

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Callin It Quits Now Baby I’m A Wreck

2019.

Here I am.

Taken me a while to…. not necessarily find the time to do this recap of the last year of my life, but more specifically find the desire to share what I’ve accomplished and overcome as well as my shortcomings in 2018.

So where to start.

I guess the most obvious place would be the easiest.

I moved. I uprooted my family and moved 900 plus kilometres away to resettle once again, for hopefully the last time. So far I’ve enjoyed the new place. The house specifically I’m not a fan of, but the city is good and the lifestyle is good. The kids have made good friends and are enjoying it here. So I count that as a win.

I lost 50 pounds and then regained 25. So obviously that’s not exciting for anyone who’s interested in getting more fit and not as fat, but it is what it is. And since I can’t hide 25 pounds I might as well just say it like it is, and what it is is crappy. I did start the year with a water fast and lost the 4-5 pounds that I gained over the holidays at my parents but now I’m just back to my plus 25. And really just couldn’t care at this point. No ones looking at my body but me and I’m used to it so it’s not at the top of my priority list right now.

I reached over 1600 followers on this blog, for which I’m really thankful for. I don’t right often now because my minds in a messed up place but I try and keep it real and hope that y’all can appreciate that the way I’m thankful you take you time to read about my life. It still blows my mind that anyone would be interested in someone else’s story, but it helps me continue to write knowing there’s a few of you out there who find it interesting enough.

I turned 31. All alone without leaving my house or blowing out a candle or opening a gift and realized birthdays are a sham.

I finally got divorced. Again all alone, but it was a somewhat momentous occasion for me as it had been years in the making and when it finally came it was a weight off. I won sole custody (duh) and it’s just good to know that won’t drag on forever.

I stopped fucking around. To most of you that’s not a big deal, but for me, who used guys and let guys use me, it’s phenomenal. I haven’t had sex in too long and see none on the horizons but I’m somewhat ok with that. It just wasn’t as valuable to me as it used to be, and no longer brought me any joy whatsoever. So I stopped messing around. It’s like a double edged sword, but I think it’s best for me, both for now and probably long term.

I realized I don’t really like my job. I mean it’s fine and all, but definitely not something I’ll want to do long term. I’ve been doing some soul searching as to what steps I could take and what direction I want to take my life, but my dilemma right now is that I can’t feasibly get an entry level job in the genre I’m considering that’s anything close to what I make now. So I’ll just wait it out right now.

Other than that…. I’m still the same old C.

Divorced, overweight, mom of two. Working only to pay the bills, and chilling at night alone.

Do I have goals for the upcoming year? Not in particular. I know me. I know when I set goals, I never achieve them, I have no self discipline to follow through. But if I end up just doing something in the spur of the moment, then damn I’m so proud of myself instead of being disappointed for not doing something.

2018 in the bag. Whatever that means.

2019…. I’m not looking forward to you, but to be honest I’m not looking forward to anything these days.

-Subflower/ Post Malone & Swae Lee-

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone, I Can See All Obstacles In My Way Gone Are The Dark Clouds That Had Me Blind It’s Gonna Be A Bright (Bright), Bright (Bright) Sun-Shiny Day.

Z got glasses.

Wow.

They did a little pre-screening in her Kindergarten classroom and recommended that she go for additional testing, so I took her in a few weeks back. Yep turns out she has terrible vision.

So the glasses arrived at the clinic yesterday, and I got the call at work they were ready to be picked up. When I got the kiddos from daycare and gave them the news, she wouldn’t stop chattering on and on about how excited she was about getting them. Z is my little miss fashionista, and to her, in that moment, this was just one more accessory for her.

When we got to the optometrist office, she had a seat and they pulled out her brand new  purple pair of glasses. Which she had picked all on her own, after trying on about a dozen other pairs that just weren’t up to par. She put them on, and promptly pulled them off, got straight up off that chair and walked away saying “I don’t like them/I’m never wearing those” and refused to put them back on. I think it had changed her perception and vision so much, that it was shocking and quite frankly scary to her. The employee pulled up her chart noting that it was quite a large prescription and so the adjustment would be a big jump.

Imagine living your whole life thinking how you currently see/hear/smell/taste etc, was the best/only way to do it, and now… BAM there’s more!?!?! Is is better? In that moment all you know is that it’s different. You don’t understand that what you were experiencing before wasn’t “good enough” since it’s everything you ever knew, so to you it’s perfect. Until now. Now, there’s something that’s different with these fancy purple glasses. And up until now, every pair of glasses you had tried on was a fake dollar store pair of sunglasses at best. But these? They make you rethink/resee everything.

Scary is probably an understatement. So I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done in over 8 years of parenting. I bribed my kid with McDonald’s. 🙁   In that moment I just wanted it to be a good experience for her, and I just wanted her to try the glasses on again, and to be ok with seeing her entire world from a new perspective. Something most grown ass adults are afraid to do (I’m not talking glasses anymore, catch my drift) So I told the employee I’d work with her a bit and maybe be back to have them fitted later.

We walked out the door and as we were getting in the car I convinced her to put them on for the drive to Micky D’s, just to try. I felt awful because she had a few tears rolling down her face, but she agreed. As we drove I asked her what things she could see and could tell she was slowly getting used to them since she kept them on, but she stayed silent. I ended having to stop for gas and she asked if she could help, which I said yes too. Heck at this point I probably would’ve said yes if she asked for a pony, so let’s just be glad all she wanted was to pump gas. As she stood by quietly while the pump did it’s thing, she finally said “Mom, I can see the mountains.”

My heart broke.

I was so hurt that she had lived all this time without enjoying the beauty I take for granted everyday. Then she continued. “I can see the trees on the mountains. I can see to the back of the store, I can see the lights” etc. It was fantastic to see her discover everything that we normally discover over years, all in the span of 5 minutes. And the smile on her face was more than could ever be described. She mentioned that they were falling off, so I explained that that’s what the lady had wanted to fix back at the store, and asked if she’d be ok going back to get them fixed. She was, and I could tell the idea of wearing them more was growing on her.

So 15 minutes after we left, we were back at the optometrist with Z skipping into the store. She had them adjusted to fit and we were off to McDonald’s for my aforementioned dinner bribe.

This morning she was a little nervous to walk into daycare and asked me to go in with her (normally I just drop the two of them at the door) so I went and there was one other older girl (about 8) getting her boots off. Z didn’t want to get her coat off and stay, and the other kids made a comment along the lines of “it’s ok, no one is going to tease you” and so I said, “She wasn’t worried about kids teasing her until you mentioned it, she’ll be good.”

Z literally doesn’t know what teasing is, as I’m sure is the fact with every kids, until they are taught it (along with everything else, but that’s too much for today). She just needs to be treated the same, told she looks great, and everyone move on with their day.

Anyways. Z was cute before. But she’s even more adorable now.


-Johnny Nash/I Can See Clearly Now-

Welcome To Your Name In Lights All The Lighters In The Sky You Must Be Famous This Is How You Live Your Life

I have absolutely without a shadow of a doubt never wanted to be famous. Not one tiny itsy bitsy little iota of me has ever had the desire to be on stage for a living or wanted to see my name up in lights. If I ever had my life’s crazy story published, I’d do it under a pseudonym to maintain my privacy. To be considered ‘nameless’ is completely and totally fine to me. In fact I’d probably consider it desirable at this point.

So when my co-worker J sent me a link on Sunday saying they were doing open casting calls on Monday for a movie they are shooting here in Kelowna and they were looking for an African American looking girl about 5 years old, thinking Z would love it… I was hesitant.

For a few reasons. One, I knew she would love it. Z is literally the most adorable girl ever. She is so open and friendly, always smiling plus she’s cute as hell not to mention she  always wants 100% of the attention on her. She would love being in the movies or on TV. But with that, comes potentially dangerous situations and can lead to a very interesting lifestyle. I also was wary of introducing the kids to that kind of situation, which might get their hopes up, only to have them not get the part, and then there’s the let down to deal with. In the end though, I decided to try it out, as nothing ventured is nothing gained, and you can’t live a good life if you don’t at least take advantage of the opportunities given to you.

So I left work early on Monday and grabbed the kids out of school a little early to head to the restaurant where the open casting call was. Aside from a Z look alike, they were looking for general public etc.  I explained to them it was just a fun chance to be in a show, but we have to see, as there are no guarantees. Plus I wasn’t sure what to expect given the fact that this was my first time going through this procedure. So I told them we were going on an adventure and if nothing else, we at least got out of school early and had a little fun.

Anyways, we arrived at the place and walked in when it smacked me in the face how ill prepared we were. There weren’t a ton of people there when we got there, but the individuals who were, weren’t there to play. Outfits were on point and hair was coiffed. Shoes were shined and wayyyyy to much perfume/cologne was applied. One little girl maybe 3 years old had her hair curled in ringlets with at least a full can of hairspray holding it in place. I was like common. That’s too much. Here are my kids that I just picked up from school, who are half covered in red paint because they were working on a Remembrance Day art piece in the gym when I got there. Z’s hair hadn’t been done since last week, and I’m just trying to remember if they brushed their teeth that morning lol.

So I’m handed a form for each kids to fill out, and the lady tried to get me to sign up as well, saying I’d have to come with the kids anyways, I might as well be an “extra” and I gave her a hard no, as butterfly’s filled my stomach at the thought of it. But you guys, these forms made me realize I was in way over my head. It was a simple one pager, but it asked for your height and weight and all your measurements like inseam and waist/chest/hip in inches, even your hat size. I’m like I have no flipping clue! It asked if it would be ok to cut/colour hair if needed, and all these details that went on and on. Yes I realize it’s for wardrobe’s sake, but still I had to leave so many blank or just estimate, I felt like an awful ‘agent.’

So we returned the forms and then each Z and Little E had their picture taken while the recruiter asked me what the kids availability was, which let’s be honest, it’s always wide open since they’re 5+8 years old, how much can they really have in their ‘schedule’. It was then that they asked me if I would mind staying and talking to the casting director, since they are specifically looking for someone like Z for a certain role. So I said sure we could stick around for a bit. The kids and I ordered an appetizer to share and watched some ice skaters practice on the arena through the window and about 15 minutes later the same lady came back and told us that the casting director was still in interviews right now, but they have all our information and they’ll be in touch.

To me, I took that as a no, we’re gonna go with someone else. But I want to keep my low hopes up for Z’s sake, and let the kids continue fantasizing about it on the way home and throughout the night. At dinner, it’s all Little E could talk about. The potential of Z being ‘famous’. Or even for himself to be in a movie. I was surprised he cared that much, since I have a hard time convincing him to let me take his picture lately, so I didn’t think he’d be into all of this. But he was good with being considered as a possible extra, and the idea grew on him like crazy as the night went on.

I’m not sure how much time I should let pass before giving up on the idea completely. Would it be fun if Z got the part? Of course. Would it be even more fun if Little E got cast as an extra? Obviously. Just the bonding in that alone is monumental. “Remember when we were in that movie together” are memories that would last forever.

But will it shatter their hopes and dreams if we don’t hear back from the company? I don’t think so. At least I hope not.  Nah I’m pretty sure Z’s forgotten about it already. Little E has probably not forgotten, but he understands there were a lot of people there, and that it was only a chance. I don’t think I’ll have to deal with huge bouts of depression if we aren’t ‘the chosen ones.’

But I’ll keep you posted.


-Lil’ Wayne Ft. Reginae Carter/Famous-

Lately, I’ve Been, I’ve Been Thinking I Want You To Be Happier

Yesterday I got my head outta the clouds and took my kids out. We went to Toys’R’Us and after browsing around for a good hour, they each got to pick out a toy. I figured this was the best way to treat myself for my birthday and get over the birthday blues, would be to buy them something, which in turn would give me a hypothetical few hours to myself during the day.

Little E chose a new LEGO set and Z picked out a toy phone with a pair of keys to put in her purse, which she had brought with us. Then in the parking lot we saw the local hockey team was doing a fundraiser so Little E got to play some street hockey for a bit and Z got her facepainted, and they both ended the adventure with some cake. Fitting since I didn’t get myself any cake the day before.

Anyways the kids had fun with their toys yesterday. Little E was even up early this morning so he could finish off his LEGO set. Something I told him to please not do again, because he woke up everyone in the house early and he has all the time in the world after school instead. So now I’m anticipating a grumpy boy to deal with when I pick them up from day care today.

Other than that, nothing new.

Thank you everyone for all the birthday wishes.

Here’s to starting out my thirty second year of life.

Hoping it’s better than all my others.


-Marshmello and Bastille/Happier-