If You Find There The Meaning Of What Happiness Is Then A New Life Will Begin

I got a cat.

If you knew me before, you’d think wtf C. You hate animals. Which is exactly what my older sisters response was when I posted about him on Instagram. But the thing is, people can change. People can grow. People can realize that maybe the circumstances under which they were living their lives previously were not ones which they chose themselves. So people can evolve to recreate their own more suitable environment in which they will thrive.

Me. I’m people.

And in this case I was at the point of such loneliness that I decided that I would overcome my fear of animals, yes I said fear, and adopt a cat. You see by this point in my life, every circumstance and previous interaction had built up not only a dislike of cats and dogs, but a small fear. They bite. They scratch. They were just an overall nuisance in my mind.  And to be honest they would mess up my very organized life. Potential poop everywhere. Extra expense. Hair. The list could on and on. Not to mention the most important fact being, I am supposedly allergic to fur and feathers. At least I was back in the day.  This was of course found out at a young age when I went for a horseback ride at my great-uncles farm for 0.02 seconds and had to be pulled off the horse and thrown in the shower to wash off the horse hair as my mom called the ambulance. The result are hazy to me since I remember mostly not breathing, and flaring up like the GOODYEAR blimp as far as the rash went. But after a series of allergy tests soon after, it was determined that animals were not in my future thanks to allergies to fur and feathers and the dander found in them. So we said goodbye to the cat and bird we currently had and miraculously my life long eczema I’d been living with started to get better. Yeah… you’d think my parents would’ve considered that possibility sooner.

Anyways, that’s probably another reason I don’t really like animals. We’ve been enemies so to speak from the start.

But here I am. Almost 32 years old and finding out that yep. I want to add another dimension to my life. So I haven’t had an allergic reaction in a long time. A bunch of my friends have dogs and I’m at their houses all the time. Granted I’m not letting the dogs lick my face or anything (ew on so many levels) but I’m not ending up at the hospital in any case. We house sat for our friends a while back while they went to Zambia and they had the 3 cats. We fed them and did the poop duty, and I was fine. So I’ve come to think at this point in my life I’m pretty sure I can’t use the allergy excuse anymore. I’m thinking I’ve outgrown it.

So, since I’ve moved to Kelowna, I’ve been considering a pet. I know at this point in our life we don’t have the time to invest in a dog. The walking everyday and all that. The kids are in school and I’m at work and I’m NOT willing to have accidents in the house from a puppy. So I’ve been browsing the SPCA site every once in while, just to see what was there, but not telling the kids. Then last week I saw him. His name was Baxter, and he is a 14 years old domestic long haired (I may or may not have choose him based on how well he would match my house, I’ll never tell). Yes, that’s old for a cat. Which I’m fine with. I’m not ready to make a 15+ year commitment to something if I don’t even know weather or not I like being a cat mama yet. The day I saw him I went to the shelter for the first time in my adult life with the sole purpose to pet a cat. He was super chill and laid there and let me stroke him. I’ll be honest, I was probably more scared of him than he was of me, just based on…. well nothing at all. I just was. Because of my body’s past reactions to animals. Because of avoiding them in the past. Because of the potential of getting scratched or bit or anything.  Just because I let fear grow over time with my avoidance.

But I put my big girl pants on and filled out the paperwork and took him home that day anyway.

I picked up the kids from daycare and we went to the local pet store to get all the supplies we needed, which was everything since this was unplanned, and went home.

We have renamed him and thankfully our naming skills have greatly improved since fish one and fish two. We finally settled on Benjamin Maxwell (insert our last name here) the Fourth. Or Benji for short.

He spent the first day in my bathroom since after my extensive Google research I found they need their own space after a move and to calm their nerves. The kids were disappointed that he didn’t want to play with them right away. Oh who am I kidding, they were disappointed I didn’t get a dog. Little E even went so far as to mention that I made a big decision without a family meeting first (fair point, but too bad), but he was happy with the result.

How do I feel now? A week into it?

The first little bit was rough I’ll be honest. After the first night I let him out of the bathroom obviously, and he made his way straight under my bed where he’s spent most of his days since. His nights? OMG. At first, he would just go eat, drink and poop then head back under the bed. So I would wake up to every sound he made since I’m a very light sleeper and he would pause his eating or drinking if I woke up and we would both freeze. I didn’t want to disturb him and he… well I couldn’t tell you what he was thinking. But after a few minutes he would continue. This would happen ALL throughout the night. So needless to say I didn’t sleep very well for the first 2-3 nights.

He also would avoid the kids at all costs. Which was sad since all they want to do is play with him. But slowly he’s coming around and now the last few nights he’s been up on bed throughout the night meowing at me to pet him and letting me brush him and purring non-stop.

Last night he FINALLY let the kids both pet him for a bit while I was reading to them. We started reading the Chronicles of Narnia as a family and Benjamin decided to join us. I promise you it made Z’s week.

So, yes. I’m glad we got him. He’s a very calm and quite cat. There’s been no scratching or biting. No poop where there shouldn’t be. Yes there’s a ton of hair everywhere, but he’s worth it. Because as I sat in bed last night with him snuggled up to me, I realized this unfortunate thought.

This is the most simple and long-standing, healthiest relationship I’ve ever had with a male. He has met more of my needs than any man ever has over the course of seven day without draining anything from me in the process.  He hasn’t requested anything from me. He hadn’t left me feeling like shit. He hasn’t frustrated me. He’s made me smile. He’s given me affection. He’s kept me warm at night.

I needed this a long time ago, so I’m glad I got over my fears and did this for myself. Now I’m one less lonely girl.


-CATS/The Moments Of Happiness-

Who Cares What They See? Who Cares What They Know? Your First Name Is Free Last Name Is Dom

So I’ve been really inactive sexually this last year and a half since K and I stopped. I saw a few guys once (like I do/did) but it was such a joke with them, that I didn’t even let them kiss me, although not for lack of trying on their part. Anyways, my toys and I have become well acquainted, let’s just say that. It’s so much simpler, no awkward conversation after, no asking where they work when I don’t care among all the other first time questions, no walking people I don’t care about to the door after when I really just want to go to sleep. Easy. But still satisfying. Mostly.

So for the part I’ve been missing? The conversation. The communication. The aspect of control I’ve longed for in a relationship but never had, the last little bit of exploration to fulfill some final fantasies if you will. So I took some time over the last few weeks to explore some of my own fantasies and kinks if you will, in a safe way, online, and the results were… interesting. A way to pass time to say the least and mind opening at best.

To be honest until maybe a couple years ago, my interest sex wise were very shallow. The basics were fine as long as they happened. But over the past I’ve been more open to exploration into what do I truly want and what actually makes me feel pleasure. And it’s not your average missionary position lets just say that.

I’ve always been interested in aspects of control, and the exchange of power. Maybe it’s because of my life so far, but the idea of having complete and utter control over a mans cock, when and where and how often he comes, if at all, has been intriguing to me. So I found an online community where men were looking for keyholders to do just that. They would lock their dick in a cage and the accompanying app would allow me to determine when the lock was released, sometimes not for weeks or even longer. We obviously set parameters first, and discussed needs and desires for both parties before engaging the lock. But it made me realize that men can want to have someone to control that for them too. They can crave someone telling them what to do. Some asked me for tasks daily which I assigned based on previously discussed kinks and fantasies (which were more than anything I’d ever thought of, which is part of why I stopped) And some, we just conversed daily.

It was an interesting exchange of power. They would greet me first each day, as well as wish me good night. Some would even ask me permission to urinate (I’m assuming this was based on requirements from their previous keyholders) and write me poems etc. The list went on. It felt like anything I asked of them, they did that and more. It was almost as if they craved the attention. So I had to stop, I didn’t want to become to involved with anyone to deeply in case feeling were hurt on their part. For me this was just me dipping my toes in, and may of them were new to. But in the case of building trust, I don’t want to hurt anyone and had to be careful.

As much as I enjoyed the experience and to be honest the attention as well, I felt like this is something that should be experienced on a more one on one basis. Yes I understand that people may not be able to establish that kind of relationship with an individual in real life nowadays, as everything seems internet based, but it felt like there was an aspect missing. I’m not gonna lie though, most of the experience was really appealing and I would definitely consider extending that power exchange more deeply if I found the right person in real life.

So I slowly explained to the guys that I wouldn’t be able to continue and once each of their locks timed out I released them, and wished them the best on their way.

Anyway. I learned tons about the BDSM community in the chat rooms, some I’m all for and would love to explore more and some is just WAY to much for me, but mostly I experienced a sensation that I’ve never felt before. An actual vibration of energy at certain times. I feel like my letting go of who I strictly thought I was and allowing myself to experience new hidden desires is allowing deeper freedom to come forth.

Yeah me! Just call me Dom C 😂😂

– Pharrel Williams / Freedom-

You’re Just Like Me, You’re Out Your Mind I Know It’s Strange, We’re Both The Crazy Kind You’re Tellin’ Me That I’m Insane

How deeply have you considered how you came to be.

When you truly think on it, on how consciousness works, and how it started, you must come to the conclusions hat we have one consciousness.

Which leads to the terrifying and dangerous yet peaceful thought that we all are one. Not only in consciousness, but in body.

If we all started in the same thought, then if we allow ourselves to break down our walls that have been created through the years, walls that created individual humans, we come back to the oneness that is us. And if we allow ourselves to hear the thoughts of others, and consider the fact that we are not just ourselves, it will bring us both to the conclusion, but also the start of humanity. Being the thought that the first shall be last and the last shall be first/treat others how you want to be treated/ we are the body.

Every major religious experience will lead you to this idea. That we are one. But it stops at the UNDERSTANDING that we are actually the body. People as humans understand the IDEA and the control that we are connected. But fail to take it any step further. Because it blows the mind. It pushes the boundaries of humanity, and individuality. We are here on this earth to have our own experiences and perceptions and ideas. But once we understand that we are actually one… you revert back to a God standing.

So. How do you live a life on earth, with this knowledge?

Lol. Let me tell you, it’s not easy. It’s many out of body experiences. Floating between my human being and others. Experiencing moments from their perspective at moments of relaxation and it brings fear but also…. peace.

If I can do that… what do I have to fear? Ultimately nothing can hurt me, since I am just a projection of my thoughts, which can change at anytime. It causes me to treat people differently knowing that the truths I say outwardly will be one thing, but also the thoughts I keep within will be revealed at one point one way or another. It has helped me acknowledge that nothing is hidden forever. And that we are all accountable to each other, as each other is one.

Play attention to what the world around you is telling you. The clues left for you. You won’t lead yourself astray.

-Ava Max/Sweet But Psycho-

I Wish I Could Be Every Little Thing You Wanted All The Time

Last night Z nearly broke my heart.

I was washing her hair, which could be considered a full time job, although we do it on average once a week if I’ve had enough coffee and sleep, when she made the comment that she doesn’t like her hair and wished it was like all her friends hair, which is in her words ‘smooth’.

Z has the most fantastic Afro, which I’ll admit at first I didn’t at first know the first thing about dealing with for obvious reasons, the main being I never had hair like that so why bother learning right? But over the years as her hair grew I realized it was getting more curly and thick and I would need more insight on how to care for her crowning glory to do it full justice, I started researching what the better quality products would be to use. I learned all about a wash n go and wet plopping and deep conditioning which to be honest were all very helpful for my hair as well since I also have curly hair, although not to the extent of Z’s 3c/4a curls. I learned not to use drug store brands that contain sulphates and other harmful chemicals that will further dry her hair out. I learned how to trim her hair myself to maintain it and get rid of dry, split ends on my own without spending a fortune on a hairdresser. I will admit though that I still cannot plait her hair, but I have learned twist outs and how to lay her edges so I’ll just take that as a win for now. One step at a time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But when she was upset last night because her hair wasn’t ‘smooth’ like all her friends at school my heart fell into my gut. I can only be so much of a roll model for her in this area. I wear my hair as big, full and curly as possible, because I honestly feel the bigger the better, and I truly think natural hair is better. I’ve straightened my hair maybe once a year since finding out all this information about hair for Z. Little E wears his hair pretty close cut because he just has no interest in keeping a style and prefers it practically shaved, and even when he does grow it out, it’s not as curly as Z’s, it’s more of a thick bigger curl. Her dad maintains a bald head although they don’t see him often (as my regular readers know 3 visits when we went back at Christmas and before that it was February last year). So I guess my point with all these “examples ” is that she has no natural hair role models as far as her hair texture. I’ve shown her on places like instagram woman with beautiful hair like hers and how they wear it even bigger than hers. For reference, her fro averages between 6-10 inches but I don’t fluff it out on the bigger side often. She prefers to style it pushed back with a headband or with a few clips or two pigtail afropuffs. Which is for the best because those are the only ones I can pull off half decently.

Anyways this is a very roundabout way of saying I hurt for her. I want her to be proud of every part of her, but this is a way I can’t directly be a role model for her. Yes, I can wear my hair naturally and I do, but her hair is distinctively different, not only from mine, but from the streets of Kelowna and even where we were before and heck even in a Kenya because of the mix, and others notice. I think it’s fantastic and beautiful and many others do as well. We constantly receive compliments while out about how nice her hair is of which I reminded her last night. I told her that her hair is original and beautiful and she should never want to change who or how she is. I was detangling it and showed her how long it was while wet and stretched out and she was so impressed, since it reaches to her elbows. So after the bath, I did one long braid for her down her back and she was much happier and kept mentioning how long and smooth it looked. Albeit it only lasted about 15 minutes until it was completely dry and shrunk up to her neck but it made her happy in that moment.

I’m just wondering how to move forward from here. I’m WELL aware that my kids should have strong black role models in their life, but if there aren’t any around… I can’t just produce them out of thin air.

My in laws are not an option, her dad is out of the question. The black community in Kelowna is to be honest practically nonexistent (trust me, I’ve looked). But I know that it will be something they need to become the fullest version of themselves they can be.

I guess that’s the most frustrating aspect of this experience. Knowing I can be the best mom I can possibly be. I can make all the healthy lunches and arrange all the play dates and study up on all the hair care and do all the sex talks, to name a few examples, but facts are facts, and facts in my situation is that my kids are half black, there’s no denying that, and I would never want to. And that culture is not something I can provide them, and they desperately need it.

It makes me feel so inadequate.

Knowing no matter what, I’ll never be enough. And I can’t do it on my own.

And what’s worse it that the right people are not offering to help.

***update***

Just stopped at Walmart and saw this ironic and timely display showing Robert Munschs books on display

All had been picked through except the braids book (which Z owns). It’s a book about a girl with hair like Z’s and how she doesn’t like to have it braided since it takes a while and hurts. Etc. But anyways it’s literally just shows how no one in Kelowna has that culture in their life nor is trying to pass it on to future generations here and I’m on my own with my kids. 😑

*Z with morning bed head for reference*


-Dishwalla / Every Little Thing –

Leaving To Find My Soul Told Her I Had To Go And I Know It Ain’t Pretty When Our Hearts Get Broke

The fact that I am alive is proof enough that I am a God.

No one can confirm for sure how the world started.  Not when or how or at what point, which leaves it wide open for interpretation on exactly how or why we got to this place in history or the present place in the universe.

Did we come with a purpose? I believe so. Once being to discover the fact that just being here makes our journey complete. We fundamentally have made it by making ourselves. We came. We saw. We each individually have essentially conquered the obstacles of creation by mutually not only choosing to co-exist but at the same time to create the same reality we all choose to collectively perceive and view as real or life if you will.  That fact, in and of itself makes us all God, or a portion of ‘God’ or a ‘soul’ on the outside, all jointly looking in on this world we have created and living out through human existence.

Many over the course of this dynamic perception have  tried to explain this phenomenon. Some use science to get closer to the answer. Some simply trust in the unknown God/deity they choose to represent the beginning. Other pure and simple refuse to acknowledge that question at all, which leads them not searching for an answer. In fact the large majority of today’s population have been satisfied with just living that they have no desire to wonder how their life came into being in the first place. They have become complacent. The are satisfied with a big bang, or a creation, but when it comes down to it, humans are afraid to dig deeper. Since when you try to truly uncover further into the origins of not only the world, but yourself, it will leave you looking starkly at one thing and one thing only.

No matter which theory you align yourself with, we all started at the same place. All at the same time. When I say ‘we’ I don’t mean on the surface level of the life ‘we’ live as you read this. I dive deep into us as a humanity and a universal perception.

The creation of this reality had to start in A moment. Where we all collectively branched out on our own journeys to create at will. Maybe we went from one to a million in an instant big bang style. Maybe ‘we’ collectively planned our futures and our memories and agreed we would just agreed to have thoughts and memories that extended so far back to create a reality and at the count of three wake up one morning go on our way. Maybe ‘we’ split in two and then four and then eight etc, like a baby in the womb. Maybe, we did all of the above, and agreed to each carry a different version of the conception deep in our thoughts hidden in so many lifetimes. This would help us to never return to the loneliness of being one together, since we knew we would never allow our views to change once spread so vast and becoming so hardened.

But once spread out and functioning as a world as we are now, what if two or more individual humans began to think as one again on such a level that they shared this kind of information? What would it do to the origins of the entire perception of the world? It could destroy it. It could destroy the original ‘creation’ that came from thinking independently. The separation and joy and individuality that came from the creation, that allowance to have different thought processes and different opinions that would have never occurred had we all remained as one, would be wiped out. We would return to that being of oneness.

So the fact that from the source and the beginning there are differences should bring the most joy as well as enlightenment. Joy to know the source of this world had knowledge to discover it must become different in order to expand and create eventual life. And enlightenment to acknowledge that you are a byproduct of that source.

This empowering knowledge lends to the discovery that along the way our thoughts at one point in the past were connected. Before we became so focused on the perception of this tangible reality, we were all connected and intermingled not as humans, but as souls, or thoughts. So if we did it before, lived as one in a bodyless haven, why should we limit ourselves to the possibility of creating this reality or perception we see every day, and focus instead on uncreating or returning to that for our souls.

I’m not suggesting it will happen overnight, as many indiscretions have been made against each other or each soul or thought process throughout this creation process since our infinite decision long ago to part ways. It will take many conscious repairs to mend bonds that were broken along the way, but can be made easier with the knowledge that we are all the source and the beginning, and therefore we all originally had intentions of creating a reality. Did we know exactly how it would turn out? No because we gave each other the freedom to create and be individuals. But with the brokenness, we may not feel like it on the surface, but our souls are longing for healing.

We are all longing to come back home to ourselves as one. Where we all began.

 

-Macklemore / These Days-

 

Time Is A Gift On Loan Fate Is Already Known It’s Your Destiny To Make It To The End It’s Your Destiny To Go Against The Trend

When I had the sex talk with Little E last week, I left out a major part, since I felt it deserved its own post.

At some point during our talk of how babies were made, which he had a pretty decent grasp of for an eight year old, we got into the topic of how E and I had sex, and E’s sperm and my egg connected to grow into a baby in my tummy. I told him loosely of how his ejaculation contains millions of sperm and how they race to the egg and how the first one that connects with the egg goes on to create a baby. The egg then grow and multiplies continually into a baby.

This led into a few questions, which prompted this post to break into its own. As I mentioned last time, if the egg wasn’t used, the woman got her period and then prepared a new egg during the next month. Somehow he got confused thinking a woman could only get pregnant once. So I explained, no. Every month she has the opportunity to have a baby. I have both you and Z from Daddy right? And, then I went on to say maybe one day I will find a man to have a new relationship with who loves me and respects me and if we decide we are comfortable with each other and we choose to have sex, then I can again have another baby.

This made him tear up, as he asked “so I’ll have a different dad?” So I had to wonder why it made him so upset. I explained that E would always be his Dad/Father and the one who created him through sex with me, but maybe one day, he could have a man in his life as a role model that he could call dad if he wanted to. I told him I would never be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want him or Z as his own, and that if I were to get with someone we could create a family, but no one would ever replace E as a dad as far as who contributed DNA and who you are as Little E is as a person. Little E was concerned that if I had sex with someone else and made a new baby, and he had a new dad, it would innately change who he was.

And that made me think.

On many levels.

When does life start? When are we created? Not when are we born, but when are we created?

Are we created when the sperm hits the egg? Are we created when we are born and take that first breath? Or are we yet to be created until we as an individual recognize our existence and acknowledge where we can from, both mother and father? Or are we created at the onset of a relationship that will lead to sex, a spark in the eye so to speak (ok that one’s a little far-fetched).

But in the whole circle of life, when is the moment you can look in the mirror and truly say, I’m alive, I am living, and in doing so acknowledge that everything living must die?

What if we are just still eggs or sperm in our ancestors body waiting to be connected to our soulmate, attempting time and time again to plan out the perfect exit plan, or entrance into life? What if we are just thoughts that haven’t actually experienced any of this yet? What if we are waiting to make the connection with the one racing toward us? Whose to say this is life, other than a thought that was thought before us and we all chose to accept without proof?

Because my innocent son thought he could have a new dad if he believed hard enough. He thought he could have me as his DNA mom and a new DNA dad, and it made me question what have I come to believe to be “true” just because someone said it. How deep of a connection can we create with someone? How far back can we go? How alive are we at this point that things are irreversible?

Yes we can touch and feel things etc, but whose to say that there isn’t so much more than that, and we aren’t just the start of something so much bigger and better that no one has yet to experience, so we’ve yet to discover and therefore no one discusses/believes it.

Whose to say we aren’t just the egg / sperm waiting with all our knowledge to connect with someone else and create a new life / universe/ experience, literally anything we want to call it?

Food for thought.


-Petra/Destiny-

 

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

When you sit back and think about it, we all had to come from somewhere. Someone somehow we are all connected. I know it’s not a thought we all consider on the daily, but logically, this earth didn’t just appear yesterday functioning at this level of consciousness and efficiency that we are at today. Which leads me to wonder, when did it start, and from where, which leads to the only logical consideration that no matter what you believe as far as a creation standpoint, it will start at some point. Lending to the argument that we all, weather we like it or not, weather we want it or not, we all started at the same point. Not us in our physical bodies as we stand today, but as the very least the creation of either our thought or our soul or whatever you may call it.

So, if we were all “created” or “started” at the same “time” or within the same breathe or choose the same moment to begin, or whatever you believe or whichever path your thoughts took long ago, it really makes no difference what journey your thoughts took, what matters is that in this moment, we are here together, and we, logically thinking and speaking, all began in the exact same moment.

Have we had the exact same experiences since that time? Of course not. This journey is just that. A journey. With each of us individually afforded our own choices and decision making skills. Throughout the infinite history, it has brought our bodies to this point in time, where we can acknowledge the grandeur of our past and move on, or rest in our souls accomplishments thus far. Has your body completed what it wanted to when it first set out? Were you part of the decision making process to decide grass was green or the earth would rotate a certain direction or maybe your thoughts took the journey to decide the sun would burn hot instead of freeze cold.

And now we’re here. What are your thoughts actively partaking in? Are you thinking universal as you might have once done? Or have you narrowed your mind to just think simply of your bodies day to day activity?

They say ” God” is the body, the thought and the mind…. a do your u hear what I hear type thing. So when you lay in bed at night, have you closed your thoughts down to hear only “you” over the years, decades, even possible lifetimes you have lived? Or do you put your body to rest, and then just breathe. And relax your own thinking to slow down and hear the thoughts of others. Or on the other hand, are the thoughts you project into the world hindering the progression of what weave made thus far? Or contributing?

Or, the most fearsome consideration yet, have we all become so worn down by what we’ve created, that we’ve given up and we are all ready to go back to our original form. A much simpler, more loving, even God like form. Once we reconcile our lives and our souls can rest, we make that choice to. Instead of coming back to this projected perceived world, we make our final choice to rest our soul for good. We remove our thoughts and we, as an individual are no more. No more thought. No more chances. Just done.

Chosen one person at a time, will leave this world with many broken souls who didn’t know they had the chance to choose. Not somewhere I’d like to be, but once my soul is done, not something I will have knowledge of either way..


-R.E.M/ Its The End Of The World As We Know It-

Callin It Quits Now Baby I’m A Wreck

2019.

Here I am.

Taken me a while to…. not necessarily find the time to do this recap of the last year of my life, but more specifically find the desire to share what I’ve accomplished and overcome as well as my shortcomings in 2018.

So where to start.

I guess the most obvious place would be the easiest.

I moved. I uprooted my family and moved 900 plus kilometres away to resettle once again, for hopefully the last time. So far I’ve enjoyed the new place. The house specifically I’m not a fan of, but the city is good and the lifestyle is good. The kids have made good friends and are enjoying it here. So I count that as a win.

I lost 50 pounds and then regained 25. So obviously that’s not exciting for anyone who’s interested in getting more fit and not as fat, but it is what it is. And since I can’t hide 25 pounds I might as well just say it like it is, and what it is is crappy. I did start the year with a water fast and lost the 4-5 pounds that I gained over the holidays at my parents but now I’m just back to my plus 25. And really just couldn’t care at this point. No ones looking at my body but me and I’m used to it so it’s not at the top of my priority list right now.

I reached over 1600 followers on this blog, for which I’m really thankful for. I don’t right often now because my minds in a messed up place but I try and keep it real and hope that y’all can appreciate that the way I’m thankful you take you time to read about my life. It still blows my mind that anyone would be interested in someone else’s story, but it helps me continue to write knowing there’s a few of you out there who find it interesting enough.

I turned 31. All alone without leaving my house or blowing out a candle or opening a gift and realized birthdays are a sham.

I finally got divorced. Again all alone, but it was a somewhat momentous occasion for me as it had been years in the making and when it finally came it was a weight off. I won sole custody (duh) and it’s just good to know that won’t drag on forever.

I stopped fucking around. To most of you that’s not a big deal, but for me, who used guys and let guys use me, it’s phenomenal. I haven’t had sex in too long and see none on the horizons but I’m somewhat ok with that. It just wasn’t as valuable to me as it used to be, and no longer brought me any joy whatsoever. So I stopped messing around. It’s like a double edged sword, but I think it’s best for me, both for now and probably long term.

I realized I don’t really like my job. I mean it’s fine and all, but definitely not something I’ll want to do long term. I’ve been doing some soul searching as to what steps I could take and what direction I want to take my life, but my dilemma right now is that I can’t feasibly get an entry level job in the genre I’m considering that’s anything close to what I make now. So I’ll just wait it out right now.

Other than that…. I’m still the same old C.

Divorced, overweight, mom of two. Working only to pay the bills, and chilling at night alone.

Do I have goals for the upcoming year? Not in particular. I know me. I know when I set goals, I never achieve them, I have no self discipline to follow through. But if I end up just doing something in the spur of the moment, then damn I’m so proud of myself instead of being disappointed for not doing something.

2018 in the bag. Whatever that means.

2019…. I’m not looking forward to you, but to be honest I’m not looking forward to anything these days.

-Subflower/ Post Malone & Swae Lee-

I Can See Clearly Now, The Rain Is Gone, I Can See All Obstacles In My Way Gone Are The Dark Clouds That Had Me Blind It’s Gonna Be A Bright (Bright), Bright (Bright) Sun-Shiny Day.

Z got glasses.

Wow.

They did a little pre-screening in her Kindergarten classroom and recommended that she go for additional testing, so I took her in a few weeks back. Yep turns out she has terrible vision.

So the glasses arrived at the clinic yesterday, and I got the call at work they were ready to be picked up. When I got the kiddos from daycare and gave them the news, she wouldn’t stop chattering on and on about how excited she was about getting them. Z is my little miss fashionista, and to her, in that moment, this was just one more accessory for her.

When we got to the optometrist office, she had a seat and they pulled out her brand new  purple pair of glasses. Which she had picked all on her own, after trying on about a dozen other pairs that just weren’t up to par. She put them on, and promptly pulled them off, got straight up off that chair and walked away saying “I don’t like them/I’m never wearing those” and refused to put them back on. I think it had changed her perception and vision so much, that it was shocking and quite frankly scary to her. The employee pulled up her chart noting that it was quite a large prescription and so the adjustment would be a big jump.

Imagine living your whole life thinking how you currently see/hear/smell/taste etc, was the best/only way to do it, and now… BAM there’s more!?!?! Is is better? In that moment all you know is that it’s different. You don’t understand that what you were experiencing before wasn’t “good enough” since it’s everything you ever knew, so to you it’s perfect. Until now. Now, there’s something that’s different with these fancy purple glasses. And up until now, every pair of glasses you had tried on was a fake dollar store pair of sunglasses at best. But these? They make you rethink/resee everything.

Scary is probably an understatement. So I did something I don’t think I’ve ever done in over 8 years of parenting. I bribed my kid with McDonald’s. 😦   In that moment I just wanted it to be a good experience for her, and I just wanted her to try the glasses on again, and to be ok with seeing her entire world from a new perspective. Something most grown ass adults are afraid to do (I’m not talking glasses anymore, catch my drift) So I told the employee I’d work with her a bit and maybe be back to have them fitted later.

We walked out the door and as we were getting in the car I convinced her to put them on for the drive to Micky D’s, just to try. I felt awful because she had a few tears rolling down her face, but she agreed. As we drove I asked her what things she could see and could tell she was slowly getting used to them since she kept them on, but she stayed silent. I ended having to stop for gas and she asked if she could help, which I said yes too. Heck at this point I probably would’ve said yes if she asked for a pony, so let’s just be glad all she wanted was to pump gas. As she stood by quietly while the pump did it’s thing, she finally said “Mom, I can see the mountains.”

My heart broke.

I was so hurt that she had lived all this time without enjoying the beauty I take for granted everyday. Then she continued. “I can see the trees on the mountains. I can see to the back of the store, I can see the lights” etc. It was fantastic to see her discover everything that we normally discover over years, all in the span of 5 minutes. And the smile on her face was more than could ever be described. She mentioned that they were falling off, so I explained that that’s what the lady had wanted to fix back at the store, and asked if she’d be ok going back to get them fixed. She was, and I could tell the idea of wearing them more was growing on her.

So 15 minutes after we left, we were back at the optometrist with Z skipping into the store. She had them adjusted to fit and we were off to McDonald’s for my aforementioned dinner bribe.

This morning she was a little nervous to walk into daycare and asked me to go in with her (normally I just drop the two of them at the door) so I went and there was one other older girl (about 8) getting her boots off. Z didn’t want to get her coat off and stay, and the other kids made a comment along the lines of “it’s ok, no one is going to tease you” and so I said, “She wasn’t worried about kids teasing her until you mentioned it, she’ll be good.”

Z literally doesn’t know what teasing is, as I’m sure is the fact with every kids, until they are taught it (along with everything else, but that’s too much for today). She just needs to be treated the same, told she looks great, and everyone move on with their day.

Anyways. Z was cute before. But she’s even more adorable now.


-Johnny Nash/I Can See Clearly Now-

Welcome To Your Name In Lights All The Lighters In The Sky You Must Be Famous This Is How You Live Your Life

I have absolutely without a shadow of a doubt never wanted to be famous. Not one tiny itsy bitsy little iota of me has ever had the desire to be on stage for a living or wanted to see my name up in lights. If I ever had my life’s crazy story published, I’d do it under a pseudonym to maintain my privacy. To be considered ‘nameless’ is completely and totally fine to me. In fact I’d probably consider it desirable at this point.

So when my co-worker J sent me a link on Sunday saying they were doing open casting calls on Monday for a movie they are shooting here in Kelowna and they were looking for an African American looking girl about 5 years old, thinking Z would love it… I was hesitant.

For a few reasons. One, I knew she would love it. Z is literally the most adorable girl ever. She is so open and friendly, always smiling plus she’s cute as hell not to mention she  always wants 100% of the attention on her. She would love being in the movies or on TV. But with that, comes potentially dangerous situations and can lead to a very interesting lifestyle. I also was wary of introducing the kids to that kind of situation, which might get their hopes up, only to have them not get the part, and then there’s the let down to deal with. In the end though, I decided to try it out, as nothing ventured is nothing gained, and you can’t live a good life if you don’t at least take advantage of the opportunities given to you.

So I left work early on Monday and grabbed the kids out of school a little early to head to the restaurant where the open casting call was. Aside from a Z look alike, they were looking for general public etc.  I explained to them it was just a fun chance to be in a show, but we have to see, as there are no guarantees. Plus I wasn’t sure what to expect given the fact that this was my first time going through this procedure. So I told them we were going on an adventure and if nothing else, we at least got out of school early and had a little fun.

Anyways, we arrived at the place and walked in when it smacked me in the face how ill prepared we were. There weren’t a ton of people there when we got there, but the individuals who were, weren’t there to play. Outfits were on point and hair was coiffed. Shoes were shined and wayyyyy to much perfume/cologne was applied. One little girl maybe 3 years old had her hair curled in ringlets with at least a full can of hairspray holding it in place. I was like common. That’s too much. Here are my kids that I just picked up from school, who are half covered in red paint because they were working on a Remembrance Day art piece in the gym when I got there. Z’s hair hadn’t been done since last week, and I’m just trying to remember if they brushed their teeth that morning lol.

So I’m handed a form for each kids to fill out, and the lady tried to get me to sign up as well, saying I’d have to come with the kids anyways, I might as well be an “extra” and I gave her a hard no, as butterfly’s filled my stomach at the thought of it. But you guys, these forms made me realize I was in way over my head. It was a simple one pager, but it asked for your height and weight and all your measurements like inseam and waist/chest/hip in inches, even your hat size. I’m like I have no flipping clue! It asked if it would be ok to cut/colour hair if needed, and all these details that went on and on. Yes I realize it’s for wardrobe’s sake, but still I had to leave so many blank or just estimate, I felt like an awful ‘agent.’

So we returned the forms and then each Z and Little E had their picture taken while the recruiter asked me what the kids availability was, which let’s be honest, it’s always wide open since they’re 5+8 years old, how much can they really have in their ‘schedule’. It was then that they asked me if I would mind staying and talking to the casting director, since they are specifically looking for someone like Z for a certain role. So I said sure we could stick around for a bit. The kids and I ordered an appetizer to share and watched some ice skaters practice on the arena through the window and about 15 minutes later the same lady came back and told us that the casting director was still in interviews right now, but they have all our information and they’ll be in touch.

To me, I took that as a no, we’re gonna go with someone else. But I want to keep my low hopes up for Z’s sake, and let the kids continue fantasizing about it on the way home and throughout the night. At dinner, it’s all Little E could talk about. The potential of Z being ‘famous’. Or even for himself to be in a movie. I was surprised he cared that much, since I have a hard time convincing him to let me take his picture lately, so I didn’t think he’d be into all of this. But he was good with being considered as a possible extra, and the idea grew on him like crazy as the night went on.

I’m not sure how much time I should let pass before giving up on the idea completely. Would it be fun if Z got the part? Of course. Would it be even more fun if Little E got cast as an extra? Obviously. Just the bonding in that alone is monumental. “Remember when we were in that movie together” are memories that would last forever.

But will it shatter their hopes and dreams if we don’t hear back from the company? I don’t think so. At least I hope not.  Nah I’m pretty sure Z’s forgotten about it already. Little E has probably not forgotten, but he understands there were a lot of people there, and that it was only a chance. I don’t think I’ll have to deal with huge bouts of depression if we aren’t ‘the chosen ones.’

But I’ll keep you posted.


-Lil’ Wayne Ft. Reginae Carter/Famous-