I Heard Her Praying / And The Tears That She Shed Still They Still Linger In My Head

Heads up, on Little E’s iPad again so prep for an awful lay out since I’m not tech savvy enough to attempt to figure out how to fix this. Each time I click return to start a new paragraph it starts a new post instead 🤔. Okay, so last night…. last night last night last night. Woooooooweee. To start, yesterday I was doing a little reading here on WordPress and I found a blog that mentioned the word Kundalini. I had no idea what it meant. So I dived down the deep dark web (mainly a Wikipedia post, so not that thrilling) to learn what I could about it. I’d recommend you do your own research if you’re interested in the topic, but basically it’s a form of divine energy associated with the divine feminine. I read a few articles on it, and was like yep, I’m going to have my Kundalini experience. Well, welllll well wellllll. I went to bed last night early and laid in bed and I’m gonna be completely honest with you all, I was so sexually aroused. The whole day since reading the articles and discovering this idea, I was horny. There is no way to sugar coat it. I was thinking sexual thoughts, I wanted to go masturbate in the bathroom at work (I didn’t) I was drawn to the idea of watching porn (I never do). Like I was a regular horn dog. Throughout the day it subsided until I got home and did my motherly duties and fed the kids dinner and got them into bed, but then my mind was over whelmed with thoughts of giving my body sexual pleasure again. So I locked up the house of the night and went to my room, locked the door and got into bed. By 7:30 at night 🤔. Like I was so ready for this. I wasn’t even thinking Kundalini anymore, I was just ready to grab my toys and have the best time with myself that I had ever had. And so I began. Show and steady, head full of stories I head read through the day, most about forced orgasms and such tbh, I can’t remember whose blog I had ended up on while hella horny earlier that day, but she had tons of great experience that leant a huge hand to my horniness. At some point I can’t remember exactly when, but my mind went from guiding my hands to something completely different. It was scary, and relieving all at the same time. The whole kundalini divine feminine energy stuff I mentioned? Well, I’m pretty sure I experience it. In the most indescribable way ever. I felt like my body was ripped in two from the vagina up but not in a painful way. Like energy was coursing through me. But then, it change into me being aware my lower half of my body was laying on the bed orgasaming, but the upper half of my was divided into three parts. One was connected to a friend and the reality of this world, one was screaming. Really physically screaming and crying. Like all the pain of my life was escaping in that moment and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was panicking and crying and my sounds were not my own. I couldn’t stop it, but I could hear a voice reassuring me that it was for the better. That this was a healing process. The third part was laughing hysterically. And uncontrollable laughter was escaping my lips at the same time as the scream and the crying and the pain and the tears. My mind was in a panic yet I could hear a presence comforting me, letting know that this was healing and that the energy that was coursing through me was needed, to return to its rightful place. After what seemed like minutes ( probably closer to 30-40 seconds) of panic and crying and screaming and pain being released my body was able to come together. The three facets that my mind had been parted into slowly curled into each other and created my brain and held me close and comforted me in aftercare of this experience. My body whimpered and shivered and yet felt so pure and free, while at the same time safe. So while this was the most fearful journey to go on, it was also in the aftermath, very wholesome and enjoyable, at least once complete. The guiding voice reassured me that energies would be placed where needed and that the journey was not over yet, although something like that, that pain, and that release, would not happen in such majesty again. I had such a wonderful sleep last night, void of dreams which is unusual for me. Normally, at least within the past few years since my experiences have began, I’ve been dreaming a few lucid dreams each night. But last night was straight sleep all the way through and I woke this morning feeling refreshed. I even noticed I slept in a new position that I’d never done before, which although not profound, worth mentioning. So, all in all, another interesting night on my journey to healing.


-High Tide Or Low Tide/Bob Marley-

No I’ll Never Leave You So Lift Up Your Voice And Sing

Hey. It’s been a while. Not that I haven’t had anything to say, more along the lines I had too much to talk about that it became overwhelming and I had no real storyline and not a clear thought of where to start. Life is always busy and stressful as I’m sure you can relate. Even just getting up an out the the door in the morning can be hectic and seem more than I’m capable of some days. But then other days I feel like, yeah I’m on top of the world. But in the in between days, in the monotonous times, I feel why bother writing? There’s nothing that makes me stand out from the rest. Nothing extravagant and special that should make me stand out from the rest. Nothing different that would make my story interesting enough to others to read. Yet I see readers checking my site all the time even though I haven’t posted in over a month, and I think, well maybe I did have something intriguing that people wanted to hear about. Maybe they did want to hear the story about when Z had to get stitched last week after she slipped at school. Or maybe people around the globe want to know how conversion Little E and I had this week about the hard thing I overcame in which I told him about the choice to leave his dad. We’ve been working through a big life journal I got each of the kids for Christmas and each week it has a different topic we discuss. This week was overcoming a hard thing in life. Anyways after I reviewed the situation with him, he shared his feelings of how he felt sorry for E and how it wasn’t his fault. I had to sit there biting my tongue. I wanted to cry. After all I’d been through he felt bad for him? After all I’ve done for you over the past six years you choose his side? But I remained calm and had to understand that he wasn’t taking a shot at me, he was more showing compassion for E regarding his mental health issues which I was explaining for the twentieth time. I realized Little E in that moment showed more maturity than many adults by showing sympathy for another human instead of jumping to anger. So I had to do the same. But most likely, the readers who are checking in, want to know what’ new in the world of consciousness. I know this because last night was the most important, fresh, scary, real, and knowledge filled experience yet. Which is why I’m writing. (Sorry for the awful grammar but I’m on my sons iPad and I can’t space and make new paragraphs for some reason). Anyways, so last night, I smoked some weed for the first time this year. I had been holding off for a while now because of what I had chopped up to paranoia. But I just felt a huge desire to last night. Not in a craving way. Not in a addicting way. Not in a “if I don’t get this I’m gonna go crazy way”. Just a peaceful pull. Also before I continue, or in the middle or it doesn’t matter where I mention this it’s all together, I’ll say I started going back to church in the fall sometime. It’s been wonderful. Well the preaching is not the best but the worship is what I’ve been missing. It’s like I can get to a point where the world melts away and it’s just me and …. the everything of the world holding me. Actually more accurately I’m not even there. So when I say I’m floating, “I’m” is just the knowledge of me. And the remembrance of when the music is done, to come back to the body I maintain. Anyways, back to last night. I smoked the smallest bit of weed. And turned on some familiar music videos that I enjoy singing to. Normal weed induced high followed, until the voices weren’t coming from the phone, they came in a quick instant from my head. SAY WHAT? Yeah🤯. So I turned right quick and listened, and the voices in the tone of who had been talking on the phone continued in my head. Weird, crazy talk you’re thinking. You’re assuming it’s a standard high. Weed paranoia, you think. Until the voices closed in around me and melted my room. I reached out to touch my walls and they weren’t there. I placed my hands in front of me and the bed was not below me. I felt my cat (can’t remember if I told you all we adopted a cat in the fall…. he poops everywhere 🤬) with one hand and he went in and out with my thoughts. If I thought him there, like if I remembered him, I could touch him, but I had to think, like actually think the thought that cats purr, and then I would hear him. Like my thoughts were only being produced through the small tunnel between my outstretched hands. They were no longer coming from my head, where my thoughts normally originate. It’s like I could change the source of my thoughts and how many I thought at once. Like tunnel vision or something, but so very narrow and controlled to think the very minimum of 3-4 at once. The ticking of the clock dissolved. The blackness of my room was gone. There was no light, no dark, no time, no fear, no pain, no past hurt. Not even the acknowledgement of my body or the room I was in, Like it was just the very minimalistic thought of my fingertips, not even my hands or arms attached, but just my fingers reaching out for the cat. And then in an instant, I wasn’t even my fingers. I rolled off the tips of my fingers and was held in the consciousness of the world. And the voice of the world which was not my own spoke to me. Confirming to me that it would hold me there, to make sure this time I remember. Because apparently the last few times it has tried to teach me that there was more than me I didn’t fully believe. Maybe because if my immense hurt. Maybe because if the huge walls I’d placed. Maybe because of the doubt in the world. It doesn’t matter, the maybes are endless. What matters is that I was held there. Long enough to remember, but not long enough to be fearful of not returning this time. And I was told I’m loved. Among so many other things. I was told I’m loved. And that each of our journeys is different. And slowly but beautifully I was placed back in C’s body tied with a lovely bow and reminded I am loved and looked over always. And I recognized that in this life I have been looked after all along. Cared for and guided. There is an inner thought and an outer expression that work together, but in my life I wasn’t allowing the connection to take place. I severed the connection forever ago. But know I’ve felt the beauty it holds. Were there repairs that had to be made? Most definitely. I feel both side held animosity towards each other, which allowed damage to be made, but now we are beginning to understand each other better as we learn to listen, allowing the love to flow better to both sides, healing what it may. And it feels like everything I’ve been looking for.


-Closer Than You Know/Hillsong United-

So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

Who Cares What They See? Who Cares What They Know? Your First Name Is Free Last Name Is Dom

So I’ve been really inactive sexually this last year and a half since K and I stopped. I saw a few guys once (like I do/did) but it was such a joke with them, that I didn’t even let them kiss me, although not for lack of trying on their part. Anyways, my toys and I have become well acquainted, let’s just say that. It’s so much simpler, no awkward conversation after, no asking where they work when I don’t care among all the other first time questions, no walking people I don’t care about to the door after when I really just want to go to sleep. Easy. But still satisfying. Mostly.

So for the part I’ve been missing? The conversation. The communication. The aspect of control I’ve longed for in a relationship but never had, the last little bit of exploration to fulfill some final fantasies if you will. So I took some time over the last few weeks to explore some of my own fantasies and kinks if you will, in a safe way, online, and the results were… interesting. A way to pass time to say the least and mind opening at best.

To be honest until maybe a couple years ago, my interest sex wise were very shallow. The basics were fine as long as they happened. But over the past I’ve been more open to exploration into what do I truly want and what actually makes me feel pleasure. And it’s not your average missionary position lets just say that.

I’ve always been interested in aspects of control, and the exchange of power. Maybe it’s because of my life so far, but the idea of having complete and utter control over a mans cock, when and where and how often he comes, if at all, has been intriguing to me. So I found an online community where men were looking for keyholders to do just that. They would lock their dick in a cage and the accompanying app would allow me to determine when the lock was released, sometimes not for weeks or even longer. We obviously set parameters first, and discussed needs and desires for both parties before engaging the lock. But it made me realize that men can want to have someone to control that for them too. They can crave someone telling them what to do. Some asked me for tasks daily which I assigned based on previously discussed kinks and fantasies (which were more than anything I’d ever thought of, which is part of why I stopped) And some, we just conversed daily.

It was an interesting exchange of power. They would greet me first each day, as well as wish me good night. Some would even ask me permission to urinate (I’m assuming this was based on requirements from their previous keyholders) and write me poems etc. The list went on. It felt like anything I asked of them, they did that and more. It was almost as if they craved the attention. So I had to stop, I didn’t want to become to involved with anyone to deeply in case feeling were hurt on their part. For me this was just me dipping my toes in, and may of them were new to. But in the case of building trust, I don’t want to hurt anyone and had to be careful.

As much as I enjoyed the experience and to be honest the attention as well, I felt like this is something that should be experienced on a more one on one basis. Yes I understand that people may not be able to establish that kind of relationship with an individual in real life nowadays, as everything seems internet based, but it felt like there was an aspect missing. I’m not gonna lie though, most of the experience was really appealing and I would definitely consider extending that power exchange more deeply if I found the right person in real life.

So I slowly explained to the guys that I wouldn’t be able to continue and once each of their locks timed out I released them, and wished them the best on their way.

Anyway. I learned tons about the BDSM community in the chat rooms, some I’m all for and would love to explore more and some is just WAY to much for me, but mostly I experienced a sensation that I’ve never felt before. An actual vibration of energy at certain times. I feel like my letting go of who I strictly thought I was and allowing myself to experience new hidden desires is allowing deeper freedom to come forth.

Yeah me! Just call me Dom C 😂😂

– Pharrel Williams / Freedom-

You Should Know I Wanna Make Sure I’m Right, Before I Let Go / You Know There’s Nothing I Would Not Do Before I Let Go

Last night I entered a new void. Where everything, past and present regarding my perception came out before me and all that remained as ‘me’ was the singular piece of knowledge that I was C. Every other thought I had ever had, every conversation that I’d ever taken been a part of was placed before me, as if it was facing a trail of my entire being all linked as one, and all the was left was of me was the tiny safety net of thought that I’m C. But in order to get to that point last night, I had to surrender everything. Every shred of dignity. Every point of judgement that anyone in my history may have had against me I had to contend with, and either admit that yes they were right in my thoughts or defend my position and they stood down and apologized. I had to defend my lifestyle choices. My parenting style. My religious decisions. Everything. It made me aware of everyone who’s ever held a judgment against me and for what. Conversation were had mentally, but during infinity I’m sure they will recognize those thoughts during their own point of reconciliation as their soul was working with mine last night even if their current consciousness doesn’t currently recognize it.

And after all the judgements were through (keep in mind this is something I’ve been dealing with for years now, last night was just a refresher or final run down) my ‘final’ thoughts were of peace and simplicity as my reality became undone- I wished everything lovely and peaceful for Little E and Z equally.

And with that, all myself was divided up into two world (independent of K this time, in fact he wasn’t even a part of this thought process last night) and given in beauty to Little E and Z in sacrifice and life for them. And in that moment I thought, I have never felt more dead. There was nothing. No thought. No room. No bed beneath me. No body attached to my knowledge of being C. Just the thought that I, C, in that moment had given everything and anything for another. And I knew and believed in pure totality that it was the end.

But as is with infinity, the end is also the beginning.

And as I laid there, the beauty of my sacrifice was visible to all in both my history as well as in that exact moment, all my perception rebuilt around me in an attempt to repay me for my sacrifice.

It was as if it was me, one singular soul against the world and it took that one sacrifice and once the sacrifice was realized, the world was so thankful for the innocence of it all that it wanted to give me my one last life filled with my simple desires in repayment for that knowledge.

So my world floated back around me one thought/person/memory realized at a time and yet in a single moment at once. Creating me as I was both minutes before yet anew and fresh.

The whole time different thoughts/individuals commenting to me that they wanted to give me my desires as thanks for my sacrifice. For making this knowledge come true in the world. That we as humans are capable of god like standing, but it comes with burdens and struggles which I’ve detailed along my journey and will only be achieved by those looking to create beauty. That we are all connected. That the consciousness is connected. That we can both live forever as well as opt out of life only when we have resolved the conflict we’ve created on our souls journey. And once I’m done as C, I will be done in my soul.

And I’m so close. I feel my historical pain is closer to being healed than most. The knowledge in knowing it’s not just issues C may have created, but my soul which has been in existence long before C was born is powerful in this healing process. Which means I had to dig deep into myself and understand why C felt the ways I do. And I’ve been successful so far.

Now I just have to stay on top of issues I may create as I live day to day, and resolve my last remaining issues (of which I’m mostly aware of what they are, they are just very challenging for me, as they are my deepest rooted and I haven’t figured out why they exist yet, and knowing the source helps heal the pain) once that’s done, I can be on my way to full restoration and then when my physical body dies, I can completely rest my soul.

A moment I cherish now. For when it comes, I will have no more feeling. No fear. No pain. No sorrow. No loneliness. No regret.

Nothing.

C will be done.

-Beyoncé/Before I Let Go-

Eventually If It Was Meant To Be, Then It Would Be ‘Cause We Related, Physically And Mentally / Boy, I Tell You, I Miss Her

Today I had another honest conversation with my kids. I asked them how they would feel if they never had a ‘dad’. Like if we just always remained a family of three. How pretty much they’ve always known it.

I told them I’ve come to the realization that for myself, men cause me a distraction, (because it’s something I so deeply want) and then disappointment or hurt when left unfulfilled and that I’m learning to teach myself I can be ok and even whole on my own. Yes, it’s been a painful journey, one I’m hoping not to stumble on over and over again, but to teach my kids that they don’t need to find satisfaction and fulfillment within another individual.

But, on the other hand, I want to make sure my kids would not feel like they are missing out by having that experience of a dad in their life. I told them (especially Little E) if there were situations they were going through that I didn’t have the answers to from my life experience (or google) we could ask my dad or I have two brothers-in-law that would be great for advice of that type.

Little E was honestly completely fine with it. He said I do a good job (aww) as a mom and he was not bothered by my question or suggestion that I would just remain single from here on out. Z wasn’t really sure, although she’s not quite 6 so I don’t think she understood the whole situation. I reassured her that I’ve been taking care of her and her brother on my own since she was 6 months old so nothings changing other than the fact we’re talking about it. All I’m suggesting is that we would stay that way, as a family of three, and I focus on them. Would that be good for them? Or make them feel really uncomfortable at Fathers Day when the daycare does a party for dads or at the father daughter dance at dance class etc. Little E was still completely A OK about it and once Z understood that I was just checking that she was ok that that things stayed the same, she was fine. Little E made a comment on how it would be more weird and how things would have to change if they DID get a dad since they’ve never really had one, and I agreed with him.

I explained that he can rest easy that I won’t ever bring anyone into their lives who would cause hurt or that would turn around and walk away. (FYI, My kids have never even seen any of the guys I’ve been with let alone meet them and get attached, apart from K and that was after a long time… I won’t do that again) That pain is just unnecessary, and so I’ll do my best to protect them from it at all costs. And this will cost me a lot.

Which is why I’m good with just being me.

Just C. Raising her two kids. I’ve done well on my own the last 5 years. I don’t see why I can’t repeat that another 3 times.

-Common/I Used To Love H.E.R.-

I Don’t Know Why I’m Scared ‘Cause I’ve Been Here Before Every Feeling, Every Word I’ve Imagined It All

I’ve come to the realization that the thoughts and sensations I’ve unequivocally been associating with K are still most assuredly him, but they are from our birth.

From the birth of our love, when we split and began our journey into creating ourselves.

In my search for who I am and where I began, I dug deep into myself and my beginning. Past ideas that are rooted in my current perception regarding how my physical creation came to be, past what everything in the world believes in as the fact of creation, and into a stream of consciousness that not only makes the most sense, it makes no sense at all. It is in chaotic peace that I allow myself to be created, because it is here that I know I am truly new and my own, unthought of before.

I am not following what has been created before me, although I use ideas and thoughts from others to lead my way, picking and choosing what will benefit my stream of thought (AKA ‘C’) the most. We all burst forth from the same point of origin and thought, each making our own decisions as we moved away from that source (some call God). In my search back to my ‘start’ I found I continued even further past that origin and started going past the source and into the stream of thoughts of others, following on their path of creation, the most predominant and closest and also most valuable to me being K.

The voice I’ve been hearing in my thoughts, the energies I’ve been feeling so distinctly….. were K’s, unknown to him because he most likely experienced them long ago at his creation, which can explain many things. I’ve been on his journey of creation from his start and my end. Uninvited and probably unwelcome. Causing confusion and anger.

This is why everything he’s ever said to me made sense in a déjà vu way. This is why I’ve felt like I’d heard it all before because I was experiencing Ks point of view while. This is why I sense him at every turn. From my desire to surrender to true and absolute death, my soul met life in him, and now we are becoming one.

In the crossing of our lives, our thoughts are melding as one as we think and intertwine. So my thoughts are now stuck in this crossover moment of creation. Where a moment of creation has taken up years of my life/death.

Moments where I actively hear K affirming his love for me in the most beautiful ways. I feel him hold me as a man holds a woman who holds his heart, but I’m also understanding these feelings were created long ago. I’m understanding that it will never be like this physically for us. If I wait for K to fulfill something that was from his creation, he will have to become a shell of himself. He will have to unknown who he is, to love me. Because who he was when he loved me, as perfect and beautiful as he was, was not the man he is now.

If I wait for K to fulfill those thoughts I hear now, it may kill him.

That’s why each time we are at peace and no one makes a move, nothing changes in regards to us. But if one of us moves to love, it causes destruction in the other. It is one or the other but we cannot come any closer without harming each other’s current growth.

And the fact is, I’ve already decided my soul is tired. I know my soul is done. Long before now, I knew I was at my end. That’s why I started this search, that’s how I found K in this way. That’s why I sacrificed my end to give him beginning.

I know K will live a powerful life, not just as K but continuing on with his soul. Leading many where there was no knowledge before. Creating passionate and carefully thought out masterpieces on his way. And they will be more beautiful and moving than anything ever perceived before.

Because he is the most beautiful masterpiece I’ve ever known. And beauty creates beauty.

-Adele/One And Only-