No I’ll Never Leave You So Lift Up Your Voice And Sing

Hey. It’s been a while. Not that I haven’t had anything to say, more along the lines I had too much to talk about that it became overwhelming and I had no real storyline and not a clear thought of where to start. Life is always busy and stressful as I’m sure you can relate. Even just getting up an out the the door in the morning can be hectic and seem more than I’m capable of some days. But then other days I feel like, yeah I’m on top of the world. But in the in between days, in the monotonous times, I feel why bother writing? There’s nothing that makes me stand out from the rest. Nothing extravagant and special that should make me stand out from the rest. Nothing different that would make my story interesting enough to others to read. Yet I see readers checking my site all the time even though I haven’t posted in over a month, and I think, well maybe I did have something intriguing that people wanted to hear about. Maybe they did want to hear the story about when Z had to get stitched last week after she slipped at school. Or maybe people around the globe want to know how conversion Little E and I had this week about the hard thing I overcame in which I told him about the choice to leave his dad. We’ve been working through a big life journal I got each of the kids for Christmas and each week it has a different topic we discuss. This week was overcoming a hard thing in life. Anyways after I reviewed the situation with him, he shared his feelings of how he felt sorry for E and how it wasn’t his fault. I had to sit there biting my tongue. I wanted to cry. After all I’d been through he felt bad for him? After all I’ve done for you over the past six years you choose his side? But I remained calm and had to understand that he wasn’t taking a shot at me, he was more showing compassion for E regarding his mental health issues which I was explaining for the twentieth time. I realized Little E in that moment showed more maturity than many adults by showing sympathy for another human instead of jumping to anger. So I had to do the same. But most likely, the readers who are checking in, want to know what’ new in the world of consciousness. I know this because last night was the most important, fresh, scary, real, and knowledge filled experience yet. Which is why I’m writing. (Sorry for the awful grammar but I’m on my sons iPad and I can’t space and make new paragraphs for some reason). Anyways, so last night, I smoked some weed for the first time this year. I had been holding off for a while now because of what I had chopped up to paranoia. But I just felt a huge desire to last night. Not in a craving way. Not in a addicting way. Not in a “if I don’t get this I’m gonna go crazy way”. Just a peaceful pull. Also before I continue, or in the middle or it doesn’t matter where I mention this it’s all together, I’ll say I started going back to church in the fall sometime. It’s been wonderful. Well the preaching is not the best but the worship is what I’ve been missing. It’s like I can get to a point where the world melts away and it’s just me and …. the everything of the world holding me. Actually more accurately I’m not even there. So when I say I’m floating, “I’m” is just the knowledge of me. And the remembrance of when the music is done, to come back to the body I maintain. Anyways, back to last night. I smoked the smallest bit of weed. And turned on some familiar music videos that I enjoy singing to. Normal weed induced high followed, until the voices weren’t coming from the phone, they came in a quick instant from my head. SAY WHAT? Yeah🤯. So I turned right quick and listened, and the voices in the tone of who had been talking on the phone continued in my head. Weird, crazy talk you’re thinking. You’re assuming it’s a standard high. Weed paranoia, you think. Until the voices closed in around me and melted my room. I reached out to touch my walls and they weren’t there. I placed my hands in front of me and the bed was not below me. I felt my cat (can’t remember if I told you all we adopted a cat in the fall…. he poops everywhere 🤬) with one hand and he went in and out with my thoughts. If I thought him there, like if I remembered him, I could touch him, but I had to think, like actually think the thought that cats purr, and then I would hear him. Like my thoughts were only being produced through the small tunnel between my outstretched hands. They were no longer coming from my head, where my thoughts normally originate. It’s like I could change the source of my thoughts and how many I thought at once. Like tunnel vision or something, but so very narrow and controlled to think the very minimum of 3-4 at once. The ticking of the clock dissolved. The blackness of my room was gone. There was no light, no dark, no time, no fear, no pain, no past hurt. Not even the acknowledgement of my body or the room I was in, Like it was just the very minimalistic thought of my fingertips, not even my hands or arms attached, but just my fingers reaching out for the cat. And then in an instant, I wasn’t even my fingers. I rolled off the tips of my fingers and was held in the consciousness of the world. And the voice of the world which was not my own spoke to me. Confirming to me that it would hold me there, to make sure this time I remember. Because apparently the last few times it has tried to teach me that there was more than me I didn’t fully believe. Maybe because if my immense hurt. Maybe because if the huge walls I’d placed. Maybe because of the doubt in the world. It doesn’t matter, the maybes are endless. What matters is that I was held there. Long enough to remember, but not long enough to be fearful of not returning this time. And I was told I’m loved. Among so many other things. I was told I’m loved. And that each of our journeys is different. And slowly but beautifully I was placed back in C’s body tied with a lovely bow and reminded I am loved and looked over always. And I recognized that in this life I have been looked after all along. Cared for and guided. There is an inner thought and an outer expression that work together, but in my life I wasn’t allowing the connection to take place. I severed the connection forever ago. But know I’ve felt the beauty it holds. Were there repairs that had to be made? Most definitely. I feel both side held animosity towards each other, which allowed damage to be made, but now we are beginning to understand each other better as we learn to listen, allowing the love to flow better to both sides, healing what it may. And it feels like everything I’ve been looking for.


-Closer Than You Know/Hillsong United-

I Slit My Throat To Watch You Die Mutha Fucka Rest In Pain

The friend I told you guys about a few posts back (here:If U Suckaz Got A Problem, Feel A Way Wit How I Act Imma Show U Where I’m From, Imma Show U Where I’m At)  has his album out now.

You can find it on spotify:   A Noose and a Nudge

And his video on YouTube here: Lex Talionis: Northside

Like I said before, I don’t agree with everything  pretty much anything the music says. It’s explicit and violent, but I’m out here sharing it because everyone deserves to have their voice heard, and I’m not about to judge who’s gonna rise to the top based on presentation.


-Lex Talionis / Atlas Shrugged-

When The Working Day Is Done Oh Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

I went out Friday night. For the first time since my work Christmas party, I went out.

I asked a girlfriend here for a deeply needed girls night and dancing and even though she said she didn’t dance (everyone dances) she agreed to go. I asked her for her advice on where the best places in town were, since I’ve only been to one since moving here. She gave a couple of options and after researching them, yep I googled them to get a read on the vibes in the clubs… all three of them lol, we finally decided on the country bar. Country music is my least favourite. It’s not my style, not as fun to dance to, normally doesn’t provide an ideal environment for my type of men if you catch my drift, but I understood that she was more comfortable there, and I’m pretty easy going. I was just grateful to be getting out so the country bar it was.

I found a sitter through the daycare. Turns out one of the teachers there lives in our park so it was pretty convenient. I realized on Friday that I really don’t have anything appropriate to wear since I never go out (second time in a year) especially to a country bar, but I managed to pull something decent together.

My girlfriend and I did the whole pre-drink while getting ready and then taxied to the bar to watch what was supposed to be a live music competition around 9. Well it turns out the post we saw on Instagram was wrong and the competition was from 6-8, so by the time we got there it was over and the place had about 20 people in it.

H, had repeatedly told me it was one of the best places in the city to go to, and I’m just trusting her, but here we get there and it’s dead. The only thing happening is some square dancing lessons. So we grab a few drinks and literally just try and look half cool while there’s nothing to do. But slowly the bar starts to fill up and thankfully I find out it’s flashback Friday so they aren’t playing purely country music all night.

About, oh I don’t know 6-7 drinks in I finally convince H to join me on the dance floor and the night gets going around 11.

Honestly. It felt so good to just dance. I love dancing. And to just let it out and have fun with no worries for a few hours…. I needed it. H wasn’t lying when she said she didn’t dance, but she swayed in good faith. It was cool though. Drunk people flocked around and we had fun with everyone. In a situation like that, when I’m on the dance floor, I don’t just stand there lol. I dance with anyone and everyone.

I may have taken it a bit to far when we went outside to cool off and started making out with a guy though 🤔. I just felt bad for H. I was having fun, but she’s married and just kinda stood there quietly. So it was only a few minutes and I walked away. I mean I came with a friend I can’t desert her for a dick right? Anyways she was like go back! Have fun! But I felt bad.

Needless to say, we danced the night away instead. Well I did. H was such a good sport and leaned side to side while I let loose. It was fun, it was what I needed. And I’ll probably do it more often, although not the country bar.

Also, I have this dude calling and texting nonstop since then. He called me 3 times THAT NIGHT, after I left. Not sure where to go from here. I mean he’s pretty cute, and has been legitimately nice, soooo, I’ll keep you in the know.

It was a long overdue night out. And I was so hungover the next day it was ridiculous. But worth it. Sometimes, it’s worth it.

-Cyndi Lauper /Girls Just Wanna Have Fun-

Here We Are Now, Entertain Us I Feel Stupid And Contagious

So it’s happening.

Little E is growing up, and I can tell by his less than pleasurable aroma that has been filling the house lately.

Yesterday we went to buy his first stick of deodorant. Hand to my heart we were in the pit stick aisle for no less than 10 minutes smelling every different kind while he choose his first one. Our time was doubled since each time he smelt one, Z had to have her chance to smell as well. He finally narrowed it down to two. Axe – Swagger (please no, please no) and Old Spice – Tundra. Old Spice ended up being the winner by a hair based solely on the fact that he could open and close the lid easier. I told him I wasn’t coming into the bathroom each morning to open his antiperspirant for him. I figured part of growing up and using your own deoderant should come with being able to open it yourself lol.

Anyways, he finally choose his “signature scent” and held it all the way throughout the rest of the shopping trip. Apparently the cart wasn’t safe enough for his new found piece of adulthood. I let him go through the self check out himself, although I paid for it, because he obviously isn’t toting around money for personal hygiene at this age, and he carried it like his life depended on it to the car. Little does he know how much his social life might!

As soon as we got into the car he asked to put some one and I recommended that he go home and showered first and then put it on a clean body. I had to explain that even though it smells great, it’s different than soap and he will still need to shower regularly. Well this conversation must’ve fell on deaf ears since later, after I had showered and the kids were playing after dinner, I asked him if he had showered yet. Here he is still in the same clothes and dry ashy skin, yet he has the 8 year old nerve to go ahead and say straight to my face “Yep, smell me” and shove his arm pit in my face.

Like dude. First off, nope. I never want to smell you, thanks but no thanks. But on passing yep, I did catch a whiff of Old Spice Tundra mixed with B.O. so thanks for that Little E. Now FYI just for future reference, rolling on a little deodorant does not amount to bathing. You can’t fool me. He’s adamant that he showered. I know that he didn’t. His dry skin hasn’t seen water in days. So I’m like child, how about you just go now, before this gets to real for you and you get nose deep in shit from me, and take this opportunity I’m giving you to have a REAL shower with soap and scrubbing head to toe. Lotion up when your done, and THEN roll out that fresh pit stick. The world will be a better place because of it.

So he walks out 5 minutes later, damp and REEKING of Old Spice. Felt like I just walked through a collage locker room, I was tryna catch my breath so hard. But hey. He was clean, and not smelling the least bit like body odour. So good for him.

Although I’m trying to decide if this was a win/win situation?


– Nirvana / Smells Like Teen Spirit –

If U Suckaz Got A Problem, Feel A Way Wit How I Act Imma Show U Where I’m From, Imma Show U Where I’m At

So this is out of the ordinary for me, but new is we have to make changes to move forward right?

Northside – Lex Talionis

My friend has made an amazing new song and I’ve decided to link it here for a few reasons.

It’s a passionate and powerful song, and while I have to admit I don’t necessarily agree with everything the song represents at its forefront, the depth and roots and beauty is deep within available to those with ears to hear it. Therefore making it the best song he’s ever sent my way. But just because in the surface I don’t agree with some of his lyrics, I agree with him as a person and I fight the same universal fight as him and because of that I want him to succeed in all the ways he wants and so I’m choosing to support him in this way. As we all should support one another.

He’s fighting his fight in the strongest way he knows how and it’s powerful and learned and needs to be heard.

So take a listen, hear the music, hear the passion, and share. It’s worth it.

https://soundcloud.com/whoissep/

-Lex Talionis/Northside-

Together Forever And Never To Part Together Forever We Two And Don’t You Know I Would Move Heaven And Earth

Sleep.

Have you ever wondered where ‘we’ go while we sleep? Where do our thoughts rest? Lately, I’ve been through some fantastic flows that have allowed me to understand more deeply my connection to others, starting with K.

When I’m at my most relaxed, just about to fall asleep, in a vulnerable human state, at the point in time when most of us just fall into darkness and a point of unconsciousness and don’t remember upon wakening what happened the night before, I’m starting a journey. Each time is different, but it’s a walk along my thoughts towards a connection to K.

Years ago now, we used to fuck at night, our bodies moving as one without ever really realizing in the full consciousness (at least on my end) what was happening. Then the arguments and testing came. Each of us trying to prove to one another that it was us reaching out to the other through various forms in the perceived reality we both live in. Calls at a certain time. Specific pictures at this moment. Thoughts vibrated the question in silence but the answer coming verbally. Once we both passed through those phases, we reached a stage of deeper love and trust I thought. The next phase allowed each other to experience the pain of each other’s lives. The hate and fear we’ve both lived on separate occasions, bringing the other deeper into not only our lives and thoughts but our very existence.

But now, now it’s a beautiful thing we’ve moved onto. It’s like we’ve passed so many human levels and have moved into the unexplainable cosmic realm. It’s like the loops on our respective sides of the infinity loops are closing in and we are both getting closer to the center. Where our entire being and aura spread out to rest within and amongst ourselves and each other. I’ve rested on the waters that were K. I’ve felt the waves of his presence wash over me. I’ve been embraced by his colour. Like I can’t even describe it in all its physical beauty because words do not suffice.

To trust someone so much that you bear your soul, your essence to them. Your ideas and thoughts of creation to them. Not just with words but with all that there is. And have them there on the receiving end to grasp it? It’s pure ecstasy.

The only fear and pain I have with this experience is that I cannot embrace it forever. That it only lasts so long, after which we slowly disentangle and I return to this. To C. To what I am now. There are always small adjustments made to me after the separation back to humanity, for the better. I feel like our energy is doing a give and take type thing. But the push back to my fully human form although not actually physically painful, causes so much emotional pain because it so light years away from the safety and security and bliss I feel while floating with K. I feel like I’m missing myself. I feel unwhole. It leaves me crying like I’ve never experienced each time harder and deeper than the last until I have trouble breathing, but it’s worth it.

Maybe remaining in that state of connection takes a skill level that I’m either still just learning or lost on my way to this physical experience. Maybe it’s something humans have never learned or created at this level, so there is no instruction for it. But I know now it’s possible. It’s unforgettable now.

I just haven’t figured out how to maintain it for long. But I live for those moments. They are everything pure and beautiful and honest and whole to me. They are my rest and rejuvenation. They are now where I go when I sleep. I spread my thoughts upon K. And I feel him. And we just are. As we are.

Together.

And I never want to leave.

-Rick Astley/Together Forever-

I Don’t Wanna Admit To Something If All It’s Gonna Cause Is Pain The Truth And My Lies Are Now Falling Like The Rain

Have you every stopped and actually thought about what infinity could and can and does possibly mean?

If you/we are infinite beings, and the universe goes on ‘forever’ then at by definition means that at any given moment, you can be at the center of it. Because to think logically about the illogical, if there is no end and no beginning, then everyone and everything is at all times and never, the middle. Both the controlled and, to be even more frank, the controller.

We are the ones who are always actively choosing which next thought or step we will take from all the thoughts available. Which leads to the idea that all the ‘thoughts’ are all there to choose from the start. All the ideas have already been created, it’s just a simple process of which ones we choose to pull down into our thought process to create our train of thought, which as a result, creates us as a person. So far, there have been no two humans who have created a train of thought that was the exact same. All the available thoughts were there from the start and we all started off on our journeys and created ourselves by building from the choices placed in front of us.

Everything everyday, is a building environment. From is good a beneficial thing? Most choose yes. To is the sunshine hot, again most choices the majority agree on, so creation built up on that. But then humanity split with its choices and decisions. Some factors thought green was the best colour, some enjoyed blue more. And so on.

But now, we have the fact that most of the decisions have been made. Most of the thoughts have been thought. So do we dig into other humans thoughts and try to change them and gain power in our own knowledge and make our train or thought longer? Or do we join trains and become like a snake that devoured its tail, a never ending loop? Or do we compromise and bond side by side or even braid our thought train with others, as we begin to understand other points of view and the fact that our thoughts cannot be hidden from others.

So? Do we choose to continue to fight for what we choose only because it was in a different order than others? Or do we acknowledge that everyone has the same understanding as you, just in a different way and different perspective and so we take the time to learn what made them that way? How they choose that evil was good. How they choose to define the sun as cool? How their thoughts are different but still beautiful in their way, because they are from the same place yours are, just organized differently. And that’s what makes us beautiful and individuals. And right now, society is not prepared to become one again. Humanity is not ready to recognize that we all came from the center of infinity, but maybe we can start to learn that we can work our way back to it, by understanding that we all have the same thoughts within.

They just present themselves differently at this time, because,,, well, only one thought can lead your train, so your leading thought is most likely different than your neighbors, but it doesn’t mean that perhaps thought number two or three or four etc, is the same.

#thoughts

-Eminem/The River-