Callin It Quits Now Baby I’m A Wreck

2019.

Here I am.

Taken me a while to…. not necessarily find the time to do this recap of the last year of my life, but more specifically find the desire to share what I’ve accomplished and overcome as well as my shortcomings in 2018.

So where to start.

I guess the most obvious place would be the easiest.

I moved. I uprooted my family and moved 900 plus kilometres away to resettle once again, for hopefully the last time. So far I’ve enjoyed the new place. The house specifically I’m not a fan of, but the city is good and the lifestyle is good. The kids have made good friends and are enjoying it here. So I count that as a win.

I lost 50 pounds and then regained 25. So obviously that’s not exciting for anyone who’s interested in getting more fit and not as fat, but it is what it is. And since I can’t hide 25 pounds I might as well just say it like it is, and what it is is crappy. I did start the year with a water fast and lost the 4-5 pounds that I gained over the holidays at my parents but now I’m just back to my plus 25. And really just couldn’t care at this point. No ones looking at my body but me and I’m used to it so it’s not at the top of my priority list right now.

I reached over 1600 followers on this blog, for which I’m really thankful for. I don’t write often now because my minds in a messed up place but I try to keep it real and hope that y’all can appreciate that the way I’m thankful you take you time to read about my life. It still blows my mind that anyone would be interested in someone else’s story, but it helps me continue to write knowing there’s a few of you out there who find it interesting enough.

I turned 31. All alone without leaving my house or blowing out a candle or opening a gift and realized birthdays are a sham.

I finally got divorced. Again all alone, but it was a somewhat momentous occasion for me as it had been years in the making and when it finally came it was a weight off. I won sole custody (duh) and it’s just good to know that won’t drag on forever.

I stopped fucking around. To most of you that’s not a big deal, but for me, who used guys and let guys use me, it’s phenomenal. I haven’t had sex in too long and see none on the horizons but I’m somewhat ok with that. It just wasn’t as valuable to me as it used to be, and no longer brought me any joy whatsoever. So I stopped messing around. It’s like a double-edged sword, but I think it’s best for me, both for now and probably long term.

I realized I don’t really like my job. I mean it’s fine and all, but definitely not something I’ll want to do long term. I’ve been doing some soul-searching as to what steps I could take and what direction I want to take my life, but my dilemma right now is that I can’t feasibly get an entry-level job in the genre I’m considering that’s anything close to what I make now. So I’ll just wait it out right now.

Other than that…. I’m still the same old C.

Divorced, overweight, mom of two. Working only to pay the bills, and chilling at night alone.

Do I have goals for the upcoming year? Not in particular. I know me. I know when I set goals, I never achieve them, I have no self-discipline to follow through. But if I end up just doing something in the spur of the moment, then damn I’m so proud of myself instead of being disappointed for not doing something.

2018 in the bag. Whatever that means.

2019…. I’m not looking forward to you, but to be honest I’m not looking forward to anything these days.


-Subflower/ Post Malone & Swae Lee-

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All I Want For Christmas

It’s been a whirlwind of a trip so far and we’re only about halfway through our holiday.

I woke the kids up early on the 21st in order to catch the taxi I had prearranged for 6:00am to the airport on time. I did Instagram stories for the first time depicting the morning and wake up in which Little E jumped out of bed and Z had the slowest wake up known to mankind which is completely opposite for them. ( I ended up documenting our entire day which was fun) The kids downed a bowl of cereal and brushed their teeth in record time they were so excited to for an airplane ride. In my mind I’m like y’all have flown on more planes compared to 75% of humans do in their lifetime, but memory before a certain age is a bitch so to them it was basically a first.

J had taken a box of gifts in her car for me which saved us suitcase space so we tucked our few bags in the taxi and drove the half hour to the airport which was a pleasant enough ride. Once at the airport I realized how many people travel during the holidays, something I’d never done before. We checked our bags and began the long journey through a massive security line.

This line was one of the longest I’ve seen and I’ve travelled through O’Hare which at the time was reputed to be the busiest airport in the world. I’ve traveled through Heathrow and Istanbul’s international airport. Like I’ve seen some big and busy airports, but this line took the cake. The kids were so well behaved and patient though! I was so proud of them. There was this one lady in front of us who just did not have her shit together. She went before us, and by the time all three of us had taken coats off and unpacked electronics and boarding passes, walked through security, and the replaced everything, oh including shoes on and off, she had gotten her coat back on. All I could think of was it was people like her that made the line so long and slow, not necessarily kids as most assume.

Anyways I finally had my coffee in the waiting area and the kids found a little play centre to pass the 20 minutes we had before boarding. Once we got settled on the plane, the kids were so excited for the flight that when the plane finally took off they both started giggling, it was adorable. They were perfectly quiet during the flight, Little E opting for his book, and Z practicing her lettering. The hour flight went by no problem and my dad picked us up from the airport with his customary timbits and we started the close to hour long drive home. Crazy hey?

We got to my parents house and my little sister N and her husband D were there to greet us with their little baby F, who was born a week before we left. We had an afternoon of snuggles and baby cuddling which I missed. F is a chunk bucket and the most adorable little thing ever. Then we made a stop at the kids old daycare to see their friends before it closed for Christmas. Santa was visiting there, and my kids got to go first, imagine that 😑.

My mom had a Christmas party arranged for the night and even though I was exhausted from not sleeping well the night before and my early morning, I made my appearance for her 25+ guests and the kids did well until finally dropping into bed close to midnight. This wrapping a long day one of our Christmas holiday.

-Mariah Carey/ All I Want For Christmas-

Open Up Your Eyes You Keep On Crying Baby I’ll Bleed You Dry

Wow.

It’s been quite a week. First, on Monday I got my first offer on my house. You know what they say, the first offer is usually the best one, so after a few negotiations back and forth, we settled on a price, which I was alright with, I mean I already knew I was going to lose money on this deal so I just had to go with it.

Turns out, if this deal goes through we’ll be moving back in with my parents for a bit. The possession date is April 10th. Tuesday, a weird date, I know. But that means I have 3 weeks until I have to be packed up and moved out. And Easter weekend is in there. Not that I do a ton for that holiday, but it does throw a wrench in the time sensitive situation.

I’m totally not prepared for this move. I haven’t started packing a single thing. I don’t know which storage/shipping company I’l be using. I have no idea who I could get to help. Scratch that I have an idea but I currently can’t ask them. Also, and most importantly, I haven’t found a place to move in Kelowna yet…. so there’s that.

Another curveball? My car. I was pulling out of a parking lot with my kids last week and there was a grinding sound as I turned the wheel. So I stopped and got out to take a look. Lucky me, my front tire (ok here’s where it becomes SOOO apparent that I know very little about cars, feel free to laugh at my awful description) had somehow come slightly off the car… whichever part it was supposed to be attached to, and was just kinda resting there sideways. So I had to call a tow truck while the kids played in a nearby McDonald’s playplace. The tow truck driver was super helpful and nice to the kids. He ended up giving us a ride home and honked the airhorn a couple times for them. He even worked it out so that my damage from the previous rear-ending from January (that I’d yet to deal with, since it really didn’t affect the car’s day to day running) and this tire issue could all be fixed at once at this mechanic he knew.

So he towed my car to the mechanic’s who called me up a couple days later, saying that when he called the dealership for parts, turns out there was a recall on that part, and if I brought it to the dealership, they would fix it for free. Great I’m thinking. Except when I call the dealership, they’re making a big deal about how they can’t be sure it was the actual part on recall that caused the damage so they couldn’t guarantee anything. I’d have to tow it there and have them look at it first. I’m like my mechanic called asking for this specific part, and YOUR the ones who told him that there was a recall on that part soooooo? Then I asked if they would pay for me towing it to their shop etc. and again they were like well we can’t be sure the damage was caused by this particular part being defective so we won’t pay for anything until we know.

So anyways, now I have to pay a second time to have it towed to the dealership, on the off chance they will fix it for free. If they say it’s not because of this recalled part, then I have to have it towed back to the mechanic’s, who I’ll remind you already said it was this defective part that caused the issue.

So confusing and frustrating.

Meanwhile, I spent the first day ubering before realizing that would cost me a fortune and have now been in a rental car for over a week, and at this rate, it could be upwards of 2 more weeks before I get my car back. A car that I hated in the beginning.

If I wasn’t moving and dealing with a new house, I would’ve just bought a new car instead.

Next, I think something is going on with E. He’s been messing up on support payments lately, so I’ve been trying to call or text him about it, but he never answers. Plus, I think I mentioned how he hadn’t seen the kids since January. Well yesterday was his birthday and Little E called to say happy birthday. It was the most awkward call ever. Even more so than normal.

At the start of the call, E mumbled something and neither Little E nor I understood it, but Little E, said “Hi it’s E Happy Birthday” and so E said oh thank you… and then nothing. So there was this awkward pause, and then Little E finally asked where he was, and E said he was making his bed. So Little E asked again “Where are you” E replied making my bed. So I stepped in and said he wants to know where you are in the world not what you are doing. Which is when E said he was here in town. Apparently, E said he’s been here for a week, but that doesn’t add up with anything he’s been telling me recently.

So today when we went for lunch at my parents, my mom and I were talking about, and she thinks E may have lost his job. Great. There goes child support.

I just felt bad for Little E. The call was awful to listen to and Little E is slowly losing his male role models one by one. It was just hard to see the look on his face as he talked to the man who was supposed to be his dad, and see him so disappointed. Yet I couldn’t do anything about it.

I’m just frustrated with it, and hurt. For my kids, I hurt for my kids. The deserve so much better. They deserve a dad who cares for them. Who is capable of caring. Who never walks away. Even if things get tough.

And I failed to give them that.

Let’s just say a lot of tears have been shed this week for a lot of reasons.


-Kings Of Leon/Closer-

I’m Tired Of Being What You Want Me To Be / I Don’t Know What You’re Expecting Of Me Put Under The Pressure Of Walking In Your Shoes

I finally sucked up my pride. In so many ways.

I lowered my housing standards and browsed manufactured houses in… you guessed it, trailer parks. Then I took it on step further and threw all caution to the wind, because I ended up calling my Grandpa all for selfish reasons of course, but it was an annoying phone call non-the-less.

It began when I found a place that I actually thought would be reasonable to live in for an AMAZING price. The only downside, is that I know the price is so good because it’s so fricking close to the high-way. Like the one major high-way that runs through the city. And when I say close, I mean highway here—~–house here. Nothing but a little hill between them.

Now I live close to a major road right now, and I’m fine with it. Albeit, it took me a little time to get used to it (since I moved from the suburbs with my parents and a remote village in Kenya, so traffic was rare), but right now my house faces a fairly busy side road, and across that is a little field with a few telephone/electrical wires/trees, then taa-daa the Trans-Canada highway. No houses blocking noise, no stores or schools. Nothing. Just my place, and a few bushes between me and every cross-country traveler. Oh wait, throw the train tracks in there too because I’m fancy like that. So to me, to be close to a main road… not that big of a deal. But to be fair, the place I’m considering is MUCH closer. But also MUCH cheaper.

So as I looked through photo’s, it made me consider all the things that this opportunity could possibly open up. The place is listed for less that $175,000.00, which means I could potentially get it for less, and save a bunch of cash. It only needs a few updates, and nothing that actually needs to be done, only things I would want just for aesthetic purposes, and even those might cost $5-10,000.00 if that. Like restaining kitchen cupboards, painting a bathroom etc, nothing major. My mortgage would be way cheaper, which means I would save tons every month, plus there are no condo/strata fees. Which means… my kids and I could have a better quality of life.

That cruise I wanted to go on? A total possibility. The new car I need, why not? My kids being able to go into more than one out of school activity at a time, have at ‘er. More money in my pocket every week opens up the door to so many opportunities. The place itself has everything we need. Need as in, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathroom, a nice kitchen, dining room, and living room. All arranged in a logical way, which is important to me. It comes with a large shed outside and a big backyard for the kids to at least have a good place to play. Does it have a basement? No. But when I sit down and think about it, I only ever go to my basement to do laundry since thats where the machines are, and the kids watch TV there. So with the TV in the living room, and the laundry room on the main floor, why would we need any more that what’s listed above.

I know that once we move, our lifestyle will change. I’m anticipating more time outside anyways. So I truly appreciate the large yard and a big deck too. As well as a massive shed, almost like a workshop, (not that I build things), for storing all our outdoor activity equipment, like bikes and kayaks and balls etc.

Anyway, I’ve realized, that since I’m doing this on my own, I have to make my own choices. And I know that THINGS don’t mean that much to me. I don’t need brand name junk. I don’t need 20 pairs of jeans. I don’t need 400 video games or 400 of anything. So if I live a life where I only keep things that spark joy, than why wouldn’t I apply that to my house? Why would I buy a place that has a bunch of extra unused space that is only used/touched when I have to run a rag over it to wipe the dust off it? This smaller place is still 1200 square feet, tastefully done, and nicely landscaped. But best of all? It won’t make me house poor.

So I sucked up my pride and called my Grandpa to see if he would be available to go and take a look at it, and give me his opinion on the noise from the highway. I figured not only would he would give me his honest thoughts, but he’s the only one out there who’s not working all day so an extra project wouldn’t be too stressful. Well, turns out he was at my Uncle’s house. Great. I guess I should preface this with the fact I’ve seen/spoke to  him once in the past ohhhhhh 12-15 years? And it was this past summer at my Grandpa’s memorial. Yep he skipped my wedding, but in hindsight I wished I skipped it to, so I can’t fault him to much for that. But basically we never had a falling out or anything, we just both never call family. So my Grandpa hands the cell over to my Uncle for him to write down the address and get all the information, upon which my Uncle begins to judge my choice. Something I can tell by his comments and tone.

“Oh, well you should sell your place first”

“Get your ducks in a row before moving on”

“Make sure you have your money straightened out before you even consider looking”

And all I can think is, first, what makes you think I don’t have my money straightened out? Or that my ducks aren’t in a row? Like you literally have no idea what’s going on in my life, because we haven’t had any sort of relationship in years! I can’t live at home with my parents like my cousins are STILL doing because you think life is expensive! That wasn’t an option for me. I wasn’t allowed to stay at home until I was like 28 and have my parents pay for 4-6 years of secondary education while living rent free so I had a chance to save up half a mil or whatever you expect/are doing for your kids. My life wasn’t like that, and won’t be like that. I have to move now. I have to buy a place by this summer. I can’t magically come up with hundreds of thousands of dollars or even one dollar (trust me, I tried but people suck, *common y’all had to know I would call you out on your lies too*). So I have to do what I can to make it work. So unless you plan on forking over the cash to make my options something other than a fucking trailer park, without going into huge debt, shut your damn mouth along with all the other people who just like to give advice without backing it up with REAL LIVE HELP.

I’m so sick and tired of people with all their “advice”.

I need to tattoo my forehead or something with “DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK,” but idiots probably still wouldn’t get it.


-Linkin Park/Numb-

I Got One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight M’s In My Bank Account/ I Ain’t No Sucker, I Ain’t Cut For No Action

I had a realtor visit my place this past Friday to go through and see the place. He then did up some comparables in the area to send me an evaluation yesterday on what he thinks my place is worth, and what I should list it at if I want it to sell. Let’s just say the results were less than impressive. Almost depressing to be frank.

If I list it at what he says it’s worth… I most likely won’t even pay off my remaining mortgage, let alone cover realtor fees/lawyer costs etc. So that means I’ll have to dig into what savings I have/had for my down payment to cover those costs, and that’s just annoying.

It also means that most likely, I’ll be putting it up for sale ASAP, hoping to sell it for as much as possible (as everyone selling a house expects) and then moving back into the dreaded parental unit. Just so I can save money for maybe a few months before we move this summer, because the sale will drain every little thing I have left to cover fees etc.

I kinda feel like it’s just another shot I didn’t need taken at me, ya know what I’m sayin’? I just wanted this move to go smoothly without it costing me tens of thousands of dollars more than necessary. I’m trying to do what I think will be best for myself and my kids in the long run, as far as quality of life goes, but common, why does it have to kick me when I’m down. Just give me a break already.

I’ve already committed to the move, so I can’t back out now just because the housing market has taken a turn for the worse and my house it literally worth $15,000+ less than what I paid for it 1.5 years ago. All I’m saying at this point is… I could see why some people would resort to crime or something as a way to try and make large amounts of cash fast. Not me, but some people.

How else do most people who are just trying to live a decent life, get by? I feel I do things “right” the majority of the time. I invest my money wisely, at least as smartly as I know how, since it’s not a subject taught in school. But algebra… Oh, I know that, thanks to a wasted 3 years of the highest level my school offered.

I save for both my kids educations.

I have a retirement fund. (That I’ll have to empty for this move… probably the education accounts as well)

I don’t buy extravagant clothes or jewelry (Apart from my $700 diamond earrings for my birthday this year, which I don’t regret).

I literally shop for clothes in the same store I buy our groceries from.

I don’t spend thousands on make-up or hair. I don’t even spend hundreds on it. I wear $4.99 mascara and maybe BB cream if it’s a special day.

I take my kids out for dinner once a month so they can feel that joy, and to learn “fancy” table manners. And it costs under $40 most times.

I pay all my bills before they are due to avoid interest.

I pay my taxes on time every year.

I don’t have satellite or order pay-per-view.

I use rewards programs to earn free groceries.

I use a bank that has no fees to save money.

I’m a great driver and am aware of photo radar spots to avoid tickets.

I use all things available to me that I’m aware of to save/earn money, but I don’t know how to get anymore ahead of where I already am.

So, tell me. What exactly is the benefit of following all the rules? Of doing it all right. Other than continually being stuck where I am? Why should rich people get richer, and me? I’m doing everything I’m “supposed” to be doing, and I’m struggling. Doesn’t seem right. So I honestly wonder if it would be worth it to consider a well thought out plan to make money in a ‘different way’.

It’s just annoying. and frustrating. Basically it pisses me off.

That all these rules are in place, for what? Because they sure don’t seem to be benefiting me any.


-21 Savage/Bank Account-