It All Just Goes To Show How Nothing I Know Changes Me At All Again I Wait For This To Change Instead

So I went for my appointment today to see if I could get any help for my financial situation.

I really don’ know what I was expecting to be honest, but in the end it was a let down. I mean what did I think was going to happen? $100,000.00 cash in hand and away I went debt/loan free? Well I can assure you that is most definitely not how it went down.

I showed up and filled out a few forms and then started my “interview.” The first question she asked me was the one I knew would get me shut down, Oh wait, the second one. First, was do I have my own transportation, which yes I do, and that didn’t help matters when I moved here and had to invest over $4,000 grand into my “own transportation” to get it BC road worthy and insured. Anyways, moving on to the question I was dreading was do I have a job, and how much do I make. So I had to spill the beans and explain the awkwardness of the fact that, yes, I do have a job. A well paying job. Which is mainly why I’m in this situation in the first place.

My “well paying job” relocated this summer and basically fucked me over royally financially.  I lost thousands of dollars and all my savings selling my house and paying out the mortgage plus purchasing here. I racked up major debt because of the relocation and getting settled, and now I have zero dollars to my name except a maxed out credit card and debts of close to $15,000 to my parents, $6,000 to legal aid, an ever growing lawyers bill due to the ever growing number of hours E continues to demand on that front. Basically, I’m just trying to stay above board for a little bit until I can get my situation more settled.

So, because I’m not actually, technically poor on paper, all she was able to help me with was a list of places like the Salvation Army and the Food Bank, where I can go if I need…because as she kept repeating, the Food Bank can’t turn away anyone.

Not really as beneficial as I was hoping for… but not the end of the world I suppose.

I guess I’m just frustrated I haven’t won the lottery yet.

Don’t worry, I don’t spend what little money I have on the lottery lol.


-Blink 182/All Of This-

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The Power Of Equality Is Not Yet What It Ought To Be / What I See Is Insanity Whatever Happened To Humanity

#HumboldtStrong

A hashtag that has unfortunately cropped up over the past week here in Canada and a few places around the world. For those of you in the dark, it’s a symbol of an accident that happened between a semi truck and a bus carrying a junior hockey team on their way to a game. The result of the crash so far has been 16 deaths, multiple injuries and a huge outpouring of support, both across our nation and worldwide.

As of yesterday, the Go Fund Me page, who’s initial goal was to pay for maybe coffee and parking for the families visiting the hospital, surpassed $11.5 million dollars, making it one of the top 5 Go Fund Me pages ever.

Now I’m very divided on this. (Of course I would have an opinion on it lol). Am I super proud of people rallying around these families in support of their lost loved ones? Obviously! It’s never easy to lose someone unexpectedly. Which brings me to my inner struggle.

Why has this particular accident garnered so much attention? Is it because of the ages of the “victims” *reminder this was not a malicious attack, but a car accident…accident.*  Or is it because of the sheer number of lives lost at once? Or is it because they were so seemingly innocent on their way to a sporting event? Was it because so many of us could relate to that experience, driving a child to a game or competition? Was it because NHL teams started donating and showing support, so hey, if they are doing it, it must be big/important?

But lets be honest, is $11.5 MILLION really necessary? I understand medical procedures are expensive, but why? Why can’t doctors “fees” become less expensive? Or hospital stays become cheaper? Why does it cost thousands of dollars to run a scan… any scan? Even more to the point, why are funerals so damn expensive? For real? Not to be crass here, but you are literally either digging a hole in the ground, or burning an empty carcass (I know that’ll offend a bunch of you, but those are just facts). So, I’m honestly wondering why medical bills can be racked up so quickly? Or maybe it’s just because when you’re THAT sick and it’s an emergency situation, hospitals know you’re in no position to go shopping around for the best deal, and can quite literally charge you anything after the fact. Leaving you alive, but slapping you with a huge bill.

On the other end of the spectrum though, is why did so many people turn to support this cause in such a tremendous way, when accidents, or even unfortunately purposeful killings/murders happen all the time? Are those families less deserving of support? Do those loved ones somehow struggle less because their kids didn’t die along side their peers on the way to a game representing our national sport? Are the medical bills somehow reduced or procedures preformed pro bono? Are funerals for those individuals who die in car accidents preformed at a reduced price?

Nope. Not a chance. Death has become a profitable industry.

Everyday people die. Some peacefully in their sleep, and some in more horrific ways then we could ever dare to imagine, and their families are left to deal with that tragedy alone.

Most compelling though, was an article I read today about a small town mayor here in Canada that I had to in some way both admire, and for some reason it kinda pissed me off. He refused to lower the town flag in honor of the individuals who passed away in the Humboldt accident. When questioned about it, he stated basically that the flag was not lowered for the 30 people who died in a mosque shooting nor for the 7 individual who where killed in the gay nightclub killing, and no one questioned that. So why should it be lowered now? What made these deaths more deserving? But then he went on to say that we needed a legislation to state when and for whom the flag should be at half mast for, thus the part that pissed me off.

But he made the point I’ve been trying to say all along. Why should we care more about these boys (and female Physical Trainer) that died, than any other person who is killed in our country? I doubt that was his point, he just wanted to have a set of rules to follow straight across the board, but it’s my point.

Why should more respect, care, help, support etc. be shown to these families, than people in similar situations.

Just because the pain may not be on such a grand scale to the person looking at a fatal accident involving only, say one death in comparison to Humboldt,  doesn’t mean that an entire family hasn’t lost a brother, or father, or uncle etc. To them, the pain is just as devastating. In fact, in the case of an “everyday death’ it may be even more so, because on top of their loss, they are now struggling with how to pay for ridiculously expensive medical/funeral costs on top of everything.

It seems messed up to me.


-Red Hot Chili Peppers/Power Of Equality-

 

We Need To Take It Back In Time When Music Made Us All Unite Money Can’t Buy Us Happiness Can We All Slow Down And Enjoy Right Now

Lately I’ve been wondering how people gather enough courage to run off and start a new life.

Legitimate question in my mind. I figure now would be as good a time if any to run away, and I’m just done with my life as is. So, that being said, how do people gather the strength to just leave everything and start fresh somewhere new.

My house has been sold and so I have to pack up and be out by April 10th anyways. I had to buy a new car on Friday (which is a whole other post), I’ve just become too frustrated with literally everything going on with attempting to purchase a new house in Kelowna, that I’m not even interested in moving anymore. I’ve made offers on three different houses that have been outbid and they ended up accepting CASH offers that went way over original asking price. So I honestly feel I didn’t even have a fighting chance. My boss is acting like I’m not trying, asking what I could’ve done differently, and what’s my plan “little missus” UMMM first off, don’t ever fucken call me little missus. Second, I know the fucken deadline, I know my damn budget and I realize we are supposed to be moving in 3 months. It’s not my fault I don’ walk around with $350,000+ CASH in my bank account so my offers have to have a “conditional to financing” in them…. like most normal peoples do. Agh, I’m just over it. Like I want to walk into work and quit. But now my house is sold, most my pocket cash went into buying a good car, so that it wouldn’t be an issue for years to come, and so I have to keep this job for now.

Of course there are so many other factors contributing to this thought train, but I’d honestly like to know, what kind of pre-planning goes into a situation like this? Where you feel like nothing is fucking worth it anymore/you’ve failed at it all, and a new start with 100% new people sounds delightful, but terrifying at the same time.

Pretty much the only thing stopping me at this point, and obviously the most important part,  is the fact that I obviously don’t know where I’d go, and therefore I don’t have a job. If I had a mobile source of income, some online business etc, I’d be out like there was no tomorrow, but since I have kids to support I can’t just be taking off with them with no plan on how I’d be buying groceries in a month, or their education etc.

But the idea of starting over. New. Clean. Mistake free.

Sounds delightful.

But for now, I’ll just have to suck it up, realize that I’ve fucked up, other people have fucked up, and money is far more important than it should be.


-Jessie J/ Price Tag-

I’m Tired Of Being What You Want Me To Be / I Don’t Know What You’re Expecting Of Me Put Under The Pressure Of Walking In Your Shoes

I finally sucked up my pride. In so many ways.

I lowered my housing standards and browsed manufactured houses in… you guessed it, trailer parks. Then I took it on step further and threw all caution to the wind, because I ended up calling my Grandpa all for selfish reasons of course, but it was an annoying phone call non-the-less.

It began when I found a place that I actually thought would be reasonable to live in for an AMAZING price. The only downside, is that I know the price is so good because it’s so fricking close to the high-way. Like the one major high-way that runs through the city. And when I say close, I mean highway here—~–house here. Nothing but a little hill between them.

Now I live close to a major road right now, and I’m fine with it. Albeit, it took me a little time to get used to it (since I moved from the suburbs with my parents and a remote village in Kenya, so traffic was rare), but right now my house faces a fairly busy side road, and across that is a little field with a few telephone/electrical wires/trees, then taa-daa the Trans-Canada highway. No houses blocking noise, no stores or schools. Nothing. Just my place, and a few bushes between me and every cross-country traveler. Oh wait, throw the train tracks in there too because I’m fancy like that. So to me, to be close to a main road… not that big of a deal. But to be fair, the place I’m considering is MUCH closer. But also MUCH cheaper.

So as I looked through photo’s, it made me consider all the things that this opportunity could possibly open up. The place is listed for less that $175,000.00, which means I could potentially get it for less, and save a bunch of cash. It only needs a few updates, and nothing that actually needs to be done, only things I would want just for aesthetic purposes, and even those might cost $5-10,000.00 if that. Like restaining kitchen cupboards, painting a bathroom etc, nothing major. My mortgage would be way cheaper, which means I would save tons every month, plus there are no condo/strata fees. Which means… my kids and I could have a better quality of life.

That cruise I wanted to go on? A total possibility. The new car I need, why not? My kids being able to go into more than one out of school activity at a time, have at ‘er. More money in my pocket every week opens up the door to so many opportunities. The place itself has everything we need. Need as in, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathroom, a nice kitchen, dining room, and living room. All arranged in a logical way, which is important to me. It comes with a large shed outside and a big backyard for the kids to at least have a good place to play. Does it have a basement? No. But when I sit down and think about it, I only ever go to my basement to do laundry since thats where the machines are, and the kids watch TV there. So with the TV in the living room, and the laundry room on the main floor, why would we need any more that what’s listed above.

I know that once we move, our lifestyle will change. I’m anticipating more time outside anyways. So I truly appreciate the large yard and a big deck too. As well as a massive shed, almost like a workshop, (not that I build things), for storing all our outdoor activity equipment, like bikes and kayaks and balls etc.

Anyway, I’ve realized, that since I’m doing this on my own, I have to make my own choices. And I know that THINGS don’t mean that much to me. I don’t need brand name junk. I don’t need 20 pairs of jeans. I don’t need 400 video games or 400 of anything. So if I live a life where I only keep things that spark joy, than why wouldn’t I apply that to my house? Why would I buy a place that has a bunch of extra unused space that is only used/touched when I have to run a rag over it to wipe the dust off it? This smaller place is still 1200 square feet, tastefully done, and nicely landscaped. But best of all? It won’t make me house poor.

So I sucked up my pride and called my Grandpa to see if he would be available to go and take a look at it, and give me his opinion on the noise from the highway. I figured not only would he would give me his honest thoughts, but he’s the only one out there who’s not working all day so an extra project wouldn’t be too stressful. Well, turns out he was at my Uncle’s house. Great. I guess I should preface this with the fact I’ve seen/spoke to  him once in the past ohhhhhh 12-15 years? And it was this past summer at my Grandpa’s memorial. Yep he skipped my wedding, but in hindsight I wished I skipped it to, so I can’t fault him to much for that. But basically we never had a falling out or anything, we just both never call family. So my Grandpa hands the cell over to my Uncle for him to write down the address and get all the information, upon which my Uncle begins to judge my choice. Something I can tell by his comments and tone.

“Oh, well you should sell your place first”

“Get your ducks in a row before moving on”

“Make sure you have your money straightened out before you even consider looking”

And all I can think is, first, what makes you think I don’t have my money straightened out? Or that my ducks aren’t in a row? Like you literally have no idea what’s going on in my life, because we haven’t had any sort of relationship in years! I can’t live at home with my parents like my cousins are STILL doing because you think life is expensive! That wasn’t an option for me. I wasn’t allowed to stay at home until I was like 28 and have my parents pay for 4-6 years of secondary education while living rent free so I had a chance to save up half a mil or whatever you expect/are doing for your kids. My life wasn’t like that, and won’t be like that. I have to move now. I have to buy a place by this summer. I can’t magically come up with hundreds of thousands of dollars or even one dollar (trust me, I tried but people suck, *common y’all had to know I would call you out on your lies too*). So I have to do what I can to make it work. So unless you plan on forking over the cash to make my options something other than a fucking trailer park, without going into huge debt, shut your damn mouth along with all the other people who just like to give advice without backing it up with REAL LIVE HELP.

I’m so sick and tired of people with all their “advice”.

I need to tattoo my forehead or something with “DON’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK,” but idiots probably still wouldn’t get it.


-Linkin Park/Numb-

I Know It Hurts Sometimes But You’ll Get Over It You’ll Find Another Life To Live I Swear That You’ll Get Over It I Know You’re Sad And Tired

Like usual, life has taught me that I can only depend on myself and that people will just say shit to make themselves look good, but majority of the time, never follow through with actions. Both here on the internet where they feel they can put forth any facade they want with very little to no consequence in real life if they turn out fake, as well as in my everyday reality.

As I left work after a frustrating day in the office, I received one blow after another with no reprieve.

I picked up the kids from daycare, where they were handing out lice notices. Great.

I got a letter in the mail stating that all my financial information may have been compromised after a hack at Nissan from when I bought my Rogue back in ’14. Excellent.

I received an email from my lawyer saying despite E saying he was going to sign, he didn’t (obviously) plus E claims he had no knowledge of the move to Kelowna, and is now not wanting to pay any previously owed money. Perfect.

My Grandpa called 3 times wanting to help me with my house hunt. Superb. For those of you not in the know, he made an aggressive pass at me while I was staying at his house last summer, which is bad enough right? Throw on top of that that it was the night of my Grandma’s memorial and you might understand why I have yet to answer his calls.

To top off those Wednesday only items is the fact that my best friend hasn’t been talking to me this week over something petty, and you can see why at this point I’m thankful for all of you.

Thankful for reminding me that people will say things like “I got you”. Or “I’m here for you”. But in the end, they are only words. Words only have the power you give them. Actions, on the other hand, can be substantiated without all the grandeur of words.  You can do something small but so meaningful for someone without having to boast yourself up. But after many years (yeah unfortunately it took me a while, I kept wanting to give people the benefit of the doubt), I have come to the understanding that people need words to make themselves feel good. They don’t say things for the benefit of others. It is solely to build up themselves. Make themselves feel good, like in their minds, at least they feel like they offered a chance at kindness so it’s as good as done.

So I’m truly grateful. Because you have reminded me that I cannot depend on anyone but myself. My mind and my strength are all that will get me through. My wits and my logic and my actions.

So I’ve decided to take another course of action. Where the results will be 100% in my hands. I can’t leave my families fate to individuals who are all talk no walk. So I appreciate the kick in the pants, and the reality check.  From both my readers and the people in my life, that has helped me to understand we are individuals for a reason. We do things individually. On our own. For our own.

Lesson learned.


-Lil Uzi Vert /The Way Life Goes-