My Mama Loves, She Loves Me She Gets Down On Her Knees And Hugs Me She Loves Me Like A Rock She Rocks Me Like The Rock Of Ages

*** UPDATE *** I’ve linked my Instagram for pictures. Relevant to the post 😁****

Totally not the topic of my post but I’m at Starbucks writing this morning, since I’m meeting with a friend. Normally when I come and write here, I order my drink in a porcelain cup, you know to save the environment and not use a plastic cup and lid. So I order as per usual, and the barista says they aren’t serving in to-stay cups because of the corona virus. Like what? How will me not a WASHABLE MUG, that should be sanitized thoroughly with hot water and soap be helpful? Sure you don’t want to touch my germs (that I don’t have, since I’m not carrying the virus), but I would place the mug in a wash bucket/bin for you and you use gloves to put it in the dishwasher…. I truly fail to see the benefit of not serving drinks in them during this time other than adding to our pollution.

However, lol. That’s not the point of my blog today. Just a thought I have while writing. Another thought, was I figured out how to edit/make new paragraphs on Little E’s IPad, so I’m moving up in the world. Lol. What’s actually on my mind today, is the facts that we as a family went to the dentist a little while ago. While we were there the hygienist, who is of Asian decent (not normally a factor but plays into the story in a minor way, as a minority in our town plus with her accent) made a comment to me. She’s a very kind woman, maybe late twenties, early thirties with no kids of her own. We’ve been to the dentist a couple times now since moving so we’ve been chatting a bit, I mean as much as you can while your mouth is stuck open while your teeth are being cleaned. So this time, as I was on my way out she said, word for word as it made such and impact on me: “So you adopted your two kids” With such a sweet smile and an air of, oh what a kind thing I’d done to adopt two siblings of colour who must have been from a foreign country and probably are so much better off with me. I must be such a good lady, to have saved them from whatever war zone or something like that. Like I’d rescued them. That sort of tone/look on her face. So I figured if she was going to push the boundaries and make such a statement that was so inconsiderate, and thoughtless, then well… 🤯 I responded with: “No, they’re mine, I grew them in my belly and pushed them out my own vagina. Thanks for asking.” She was so red, rightfully so. And rushed to say it was because they don’t look like me. Ok. Ok, ok okaaaay. I know my kids aren’t like spitting images of me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be considered or thought of as much their mom as other parents who are moms and dads of kids who aren’t mixed race, or look more similar to their children. Or that obtuse people can judge my kids heritage and make them feel like they don’t belong. In fact, I may be more involved in my kids lives than many other parents who look more like their kids than I do. Looking the same as someone doesn’t automatically make you more a parental figure than me. Parenting takes time and effort. It takes imparting wisdom and listening to their deepest fears and helping the kids work through them. It takes years of hard work, trying to figure out how to pay for extra curricular activities on a single mom budget and nights crying alone in bed worrying about their future. It takes hours praying for them, hoping they will make good choices for their own lives, while knowing you can’t protect them from everything, but wishing you could. It takes prepping three meals a day, seven days a week and about a zillion snacks for years, which I’m sure continues even after they move out. It takes holding your tongue when they bring home friends you don’t agree with, then having conversations with them later about being an influential figure not the one influenced. It’s about wiping tears and giving hugs even if your hurting to. It’s about helping with homework even if they teach math stupidly now. It’s about 7:00 am Saturday morning hockey games and Sunday afternoon dance recitals. It’s about showing them love and connection. Its about teaching personal hygiene and sexual education and loving others as well as personal boundaries. It’s helping little humans self discover who they are and teaching them it’s ok to change, or not know. It’s explaining to them when to say sorry, and when to stand your ground. It’s helping them learn about emotion and safe ways to express them. It’s about creating a home environment where they feel safe to come home to when nowhere else in the world is listening to them. The list goes on, and for me, it’s about doing it all by myself. So, yes these are my biological kids, but I think being a parent can be for anyone who has consistently put in that effort, time and love into a child who needs it. So was I offended when the hygienist said that? Not so much offended as shocked. I just figured that in this day in age people wouldn’t be out making statements about others life’s so blatantly, without and background information or invite. Do I blame here for thinking that? Not necessarily, since she’s not far from the truth. My kids and I don’t look a ton alike. What I would do though, is caution her from making those comments so haphazardly in the future again. Other individuals may not take her tactless comments so lightly. I am basically the only parent my children have known, and I will teach them that looks now, and in the future will never matter. Because it is 100% on the inside what matters. -Loves Me Like A Rock/Paul Simon-

We Don’t Fit In Well Cause We Are Just Ourselves / You Look Stunning Dear

Z has her first crush and it is adorable. It’s one of Little E’s basketball teammates and friends from school named Tyson. He’s a very friendly boy and when he’s over to play they include Z which she obviously loves. Over the weekend she had told me that she only likes two boys, Little E and Tyson and I said that’s fine you don’t have to like all the boys, as long as you are kind to them. But last night at basketball practice I saw her crush in action for the first time and realized it was more than just an ‘I like him the way I like my brother’

It was a quick water break and Tyson came to grab his water bottle from beside where we were sitting, which I should note that Z had brought for him since he had forgotten it at school, so she made sure to save it for him and brought it full of fresh water to practice. Anyways, Tyson comes to grab a drink and Z says hi Tyson with the slight giggle and smile and all the innocence of a 6 year old girl crushing on a 9 year old boy with me sitting right there. And Tyson being the wonderful kid he is says hi Z and has his drink with a smile. Then she kinda giggles and looks back at me. Then Tyson calls her name again and we both look and he’s making a silly face at her which she loves (oh kids) and he runs back on to the court.

I thought it was the most adorable things ever to see the whole interaction. How sweet and innocent and friendly they both were. Tyson’s a great kid. He’s also the boy who after dinner at our house announced he was excited to go through puberty one day (I can’t remember if I blogged about that or just texted his mom laughing so hard about it) he’s an only child but well rounded and a good friend to Little E and apparently Z too.

I’m looking forward to what this grows into.

When his mom showed up to pick him up for practice we chatted for a bit and I mentioned that Z had a little crush. Her response surprised me. His mom and I have become acquaintances throughout this school year and she’s been over for coffee a couple times but it takes time to really know a person right? So when she said ‘Oh that’s ok, I’d be cool with a little colour in the bloodline’ or something along those lines. I was completely thrown off. She went on about how their pale Scottish skin could use some colour etc but I wasn’t really listening at that point anymore.

I guess it didn’t occur to me that my kids would face this kind of racism in their life. Subtle. But extremely there. Words that don’t need to be said and can be hurtful.

All it is, is a harmless crush between kids. There was no need to bring melanin into it. And to have that be your first reaction must mean it’s near the forefront of your thoughts. As opposed to the innocence and beauty of the relationship forming, your thoughts jumped to colour. I dunno. Not the best foot to put forward in my opinion.

So. I just felt it was the cutest moment on the kids part I wanted to share. And hope that as they grow older they learn healthy ways of interacting with each other. That help each other grow into beautiful human beings. Weather they end up together or not.


-Beautiful People/Ed Sheeran-

It’s My Birthday Song, In My Happy World I Know It’s Gonna Be A Good Day Oh Yeah, Today Is My Birthday

I’m 32.

My birthday this year was what I’m assuming everything I should expect for my life from here on out. It was last Sunday, and I decided instead of wallow around at home for the day, I’d get out of the house and just basically try and forget I’m gonna be old and wrinkly and grey and alone soon.

I took the kids out to Denny’s (SUPER fancy I know) but I got breakfast for free and I’m trying to maintain a strict budget so this way we still had a nice sit down breakfast that I didn’t have to make and I didn’t have to clean up after. So to me, nowadays, that’s fancy. I should mention while we’re on the topic of fancy, Little E dressed up for me. He is a strict sweatpants and sports shirt kinda boy. Athletic wear all the way. So when I told them we were going out for breakfast for my birthday he pulled up in his one pair of jeans I make him keep in the depts of his drawers in case of like a funeral or something, and a collared dress shirt. I guess I’m raising him right after all. Z wears dresses 24/7 so it was just nice that she brushed her teeth for the ‘occasion’.

I came out of the bathroom after doing my makeup (for once) because if there’s any day to feel extra beautiful, I guess 32 years old is the day and the kids had made me little homemade cards ♥️. Adorable hey?

So anyway on the way to breakfast we stopped at one of the wineries that we live beside and took a few pictures because 1) it’s my birthday 2) who knows when I’d see Little E looking so sharp and it needed to be documented. Then off to breakfast.

Afterward we wandered the mall for a bit, I obviously got my free Starbucks to enjoy and we just browsed like 16 year old VSCO girls. While we were at the mall my oldest friend S called to wish me a happy birthday. S and I haven’t been tight during our adult life since our respective lives have taken us on our own paths but we’ve known each other since we were in grade 4, and we always come back to each other. It’s those friends that you have that no matter what, you can just pick up where you left off, trust levels the same, bonds not broken, you just know that yep your good for life no matter what shit happens. That’s S and I. And it’s so unlikely if you were to look at us, or even our lives. I’m a towering 5’10 overweight white girl and S is barely 5 foot and comes from a strict Asian home and has obtained a Masters Degree. She travels the world with both her family and her partner, and just basically…. is so different than me in every way. Which is great because then we at least have stories to share when get back together, it not the same stuff we’re struggling with, we have different experiences and view points, yet maintain respect for each other. Anyways chatting with her was good.

My little sister also called and I sang the itsy bitsy spider for my niece in the mall, which has become her billboard #1. My parents did FaceTime and I was expecting my dad at least to sing happy birthday as is was his tradition every year, so when I saw the name pop up on the phone I braced myself to be put through the song, but for some reason this year there was no song. He used to even call me in Kenya to sing, but this year no song. I guess 32 is finally the year when you’re to old to have your parents sing happy birthday to you. 👎🏼

My co-workers all forgot about my birthday which was fine and disappointing at the same time. I know that doesn’t make sense, but on one hand, you want to at least be acknowledged, but you don’t wanna stand there awkwardly while they sing to you. So fine/disappointing.

Anyways I guess the main point of this post is….

I’m 32. And I managed to not cry on my birthday. I realized that I’m going to have birthdays and get older weather certain people acknowledge it or not. I understand it is possible to have a birthday pass, a “celebration” of a year of my life, without receiving a single gift or intimate hug or a bite of cake. Those things don’t stop the passage of time. So I can just choose to age gracefully and with dignity based on the choices I’ve made in my own life, not on how others have chosen to pour into my life, or chosen to remain absent. Either way, I’m getting older. And as they say, age is just a number. You don’t become a year older in a day. It’s the whole years worth of experiences and wisdom and time that got you there.

It’s how much you value it that is most important, although just one gift would’ve made it a little more special, not gonna lie.


-Madonna/B-Day Song-

I Got Boy Problems That’s The Human In Me / Don’t Text Me, Tell It Straight To My Face

Yesterday out of the blue E sent a text to see how the kids are and to ask me to say hi to them. They haven’t really talked much in months, and the last time they saw him was at Christmas.

By now, I thought I was over E. and as far as our relationship goes, I am. But when I got that text, I was bothered. And I was even more annoyed at myself by the fact that I was bothered by him. Maybe it was the wording of his text, and maybe it was just my mood even before I received it, but it irked me. Basically My reply was a curt, the kids are good.

Because they are always good. I make sure of that. Because I’m here every day raising them. I don’t check in every 6 months to see how they are. I’m their mother 24/7/365. And so I was frustrated. But in the sake of good parenting, I did pass the message along to the kids and asked if they’d like to either call or message back. Little E opted for the text, and wrote out a little message about what he’s been up to lately and hit send. Then Z dictated to Little E a note for him to type. And that’s when my annoyance built up enough for me to vent here.

Her note was as innocent as any 5 year old who’s going about messaging their father could be. Hi Daddy. I love you. Etc…

I could’ve stabbed E with all the anger I felt in that moment. Here I’ve been, for the last 5 and a half years, taking care of these kids without him, and in one text, he swoops in and receives the same type of gratitude I get on a daily basis. No I’m not frustrated at Z, in all her innocence she’s just acting out how she’s seen other kids be with their dads. And she assumes you say I love you. And that’s not wrong, but in those circumstances there’s years of trust built up. There’s time put in. There’s sleepless nights attached. There’s financial stress involved. There’s fear of loss attached. All the aspects to create what I think deserves at least the start of love.

But she gives it with wreak less abandonment to a man who doesn’t understand the pain he’s caused.

I’m not upset at Z. On one hand I think it’s brave of Z to support E with love that cannot be returned and want to let her make her own choices. But on the other hand I want to caution her on attempting to set sail on a sinking ship. I don’t want to set her on a path where she feels her love is unreturned and therefore somehow not good enough.

For now though, I’m just going to take a day of two to cool off my irrational anger towards E for receiving what in my opinion is undeserving love and I’ll come back to this at a later time.

– Lizzo / Truth Hurts –

Eventually If It Was Meant To Be, Then It Would Be ‘Cause We Related, Physically And Mentally / Boy, I Tell You, I Miss Her

Today I had another honest conversation with my kids. I asked them how they would feel if they never had a ‘dad’. Like if we just always remained a family of three. How pretty much they’ve always known it.

I told them I’ve come to the realization that for myself, men cause me a distraction, (because it’s something I so deeply want) and then disappointment or hurt when left unfulfilled and that I’m learning to teach myself I can be ok and even whole on my own. Yes, it’s been a painful journey, one I’m hoping not to stumble on over and over again, but to teach my kids that they don’t need to find satisfaction and fulfillment within another individual.

But, on the other hand, I want to make sure my kids would not feel like they are missing out by having that experience of a dad in their life. I told them (especially Little E) if there were situations they were going through that I didn’t have the answers to from my life experience (or google) we could ask my dad or I have two brothers-in-law that would be great for advice of that type.

Little E was honestly completely fine with it. He said I do a good job (aww) as a mom and he was not bothered by my question or suggestion that I would just remain single from here on out. Z wasn’t really sure, although she’s not quite 6 so I don’t think she understood the whole situation. I reassured her that I’ve been taking care of her and her brother on my own since she was 6 months old so nothings changing other than the fact we’re talking about it. All I’m suggesting is that we would stay that way, as a family of three, and I focus on them. Would that be good for them? Or make them feel really uncomfortable at Fathers Day when the daycare does a party for dads or at the father daughter dance at dance class etc. Little E was still completely A OK about it and once Z understood that I was just checking that she was ok that that things stayed the same, she was fine. Little E made a comment on how it would be more weird and how things would have to change if they DID get a dad since they’ve never really had one, and I agreed with him.

I explained that he can rest easy that I won’t ever bring anyone into their lives who would cause hurt or that would turn around and walk away. (FYI, My kids have never even seen any of the guys I’ve been with let alone meet them and get attached, apart from K and that was after a long time… I won’t do that again) That pain is just unnecessary, and so I’ll do my best to protect them from it at all costs. And this will cost me a lot.

Which is why I’m good with just being me.

Just C. Raising her two kids. I’ve done well on my own the last 5 years. I don’t see why I can’t repeat that another 3 times.

-Common/I Used To Love H.E.R.-