You Said You’d Care For Me / Said You’d Be There For Me / Give To Me, Why Won’t You Live For Me? / You Said You’d Cry For Me / You Gotta Be, Nice For What?

I’m using my break at work to finally write a decent post. First I was going to apologize for not writing more, but in all honesty, I’ve grown so much in this past month, to a point that I won’t apologize for any action (or inaction on my part). My life is hectic and busy true, but it’s also a string of choices that I purposefully make and I just didn’t feel like choosing to write in my down time. To be honest lol, I got high a ton and watched a lot of Netflix and danced around my room… and wrote some poems and songs that I might post at a later date instead. So, not sorry?

But here’s a glimpse of what’s happened in the last month apart from that quick post I wrote.

I got the place close to the lake. It’s all said and done as of last week. It’s in West Kelowna, super close to many winery’s and trails. It has two schools that have ranked well in close range, so that’s a plus. I’m just having trouble finding child care now, but everything in its own time. But if you have any suggestions I’m all ears.

Z is excited to move and talks about Kelowna all the time. I took a video of the house when I flew out there 2 weeks ago and she’d really getting the whole idea that we’re moving. She talks about going to the beach and seeing her cousins all the time, it’s really uplifting. Little E on the other hand is not at all thrilled about the prospect of it. He takes ever opportunity possible to say he doesn’t want to move. I get it. I totally do. What almost 8-year-old wants to uproot and move to a place he’s never been to where he knows hardly anyone? He has to start a new school again, making it a new school for every year he’s attended. It’s been difficult on him, making friends and fitting in, and I feel bad. I’m truly hoping this move will be one we can settle into and make our home. For Little E’s sake. And my own.

On another note, E has been committed again. I randomly received this text a couple of weeks ago:

e

Just a friendly reminder. This dad of my children hasn’t seen his kids since January.  Which coincidentally is about the same time he last sent child support. We also live on the complete opposite side of the country from Ottawa. But he somehow made it to Ottawa… because apparently this capital city we live in doesn’t provide health care?? Anyways, he had also previously told me he had quit his job as opposed to his current story of being fired, which by now I knew not to believe because with him it’s an endless cycle of lies. Either way, I haven’t gotten any $$$ from him in months which has been awful timing while trying to purchase the new place. I honestly haven’t been this financially strapped… in ever. But it is what it is.

So, to make matters even more unbelievable (hard to do in my life, but by now we know not to push the envelope) this past Saturday while I was playing outside with the kiddos, I received a call from a number marked No Caller ID. turns out to be the hospital he’s been admitted at. You will literally never guess what they were calling for.

Go ahead and try.

You’re probably wrong.

I’ll help.

They were trying to hit me up for money. Not one word of a lie. They said he had the balls to list me as his emergency contact. 4 years into our divorce and I’m still his top go to person?? Fuck Off. She said she had called Welfare Services and they won’t pay because of something something (I really wasn’t listening I was honestly beyond shocked that the whole system had the gall to call me and ask ME for money to cover his bills). So she’s basically saying that because he put my name, I’m responsible. Hahaha.

I told her no. Flat out no. If they are expecting me to pay, they can actually stop treatment (my actual words) because I’m not paying anything. She started to say something like “oh I can imagine what you’ve gone through” and I stopped her cold. No. No you cannot. You have no idea what I have gone through with that man. I will not be paying anything. Please don’t include me in this. Then I asked her what E had been saying about me, to which she responded that E hadn’t said anything since being admitted and that he was very sick.

Uhhh, Duhh. That’s not a news flash to anyone. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell the whole world. E is sicker than your average mentally sick person.

So the call ended with her apologizing and saying she wouldn’t bother me again. I’ll take that as a win.

I know some of you are thinking that’s very cold-hearted of me. That I should be more forgiving and helpful.

Why?

Why should his well-being be more important than mine? Why should he be allowed to continually wreck the peaceful life I’m trying to create for my kids and I? I have to take care of myself and my children. I spent YEARS trying to “help” him, but at some point, I have to recognize that my life and sanity is valuable too. No one is looking out for me except me. So I have to… I have to make the moves that benefit myself and my kids. E is toxic, so I will not allow that poison in my life in any form anymore. I have to clear out that harm to allow myself to be the best version of C that I can be. At some point I (and the world) just have to recognize that E is a grown man, and although he is very sick, I am not a medical professional and therefore I am not fit to help. I also have been hurt by him and therefore have no desire to help in any way anymore. That is my choice. That makes me a stronger person for making beneficial choices that allow me to grow and move on. As bitchy as it may seem, it’s my choice and it improves my quality of life. Which is just as important as E’s, but I have to do it for me. What he does is his choice. This move is mine.

And I will not feel guilt for choosing my best life.


-Drake/Nice For What-

 

Everything I Need, I Got In My Young Love A Teenage Love, Young Love

So, my Little E is not so little any more!

Yesterday we were chilling on the couch (boring back story, but it’s necessary) and talking about how before we could buy a house in Kelowna, we had to sell our house here.

Little E was commented how I should sell our house for $500.00, so I said the couch he was sitting on cost more than double that, imagine how much the whole house cost! His eye’s got so big it was cute. Z rambled on about some Kelowna stuff and then Little E threw me off guard with this little gem.

“Did you see the teenage girl’s thing they sit on?’

What? Here I am all confused about what he’s talking about. I’m honest to god thinking he’s talking about some girl’s couch, based on what we had literally discussed TWO seconds ago, So I went with that lol.

I asked him which girls couch. And he was like no… like the thing they sit on…

OK that didn’t help me at all. So he points to his butt, which is on the couch, and I’m still confused. And so I tell him I need some more explanation. I need more WORDS. Like what in the world are you talking about. What teenage girl? What chair?

So he told me (lol sorry I’m chuckling as I write this), that at church that morning (they had gone with my parents), there was a teenage girl in front of him with a bum. At this point I was already kinda catching on, but I wanted him to be able to be able to articulate what he was thinking and be able to talk to me able this kind of stuff… I was also worried he was going to talk about every girl he saw at the swimming pool on Saturday, so I was relieved when it was just one girl. Singular. Actually a mixed race girl at that, and she’s only about 11. Little E’s first bum crush everyone. Too cute.

So I listened while he said that he just noticed it. And that was all he wanted to say. I asked if it made him feel anything “different” I actually can’t remember the words I used, but I tried a few variations. He just said he looked at it a few times. So I said that’s fine, just try not to stare, we have to be respectful of peoples bodies. Everyone has a bum and glancing or looking is ok, but don’t make comments on other peoples bodies. Like I explained how we shouldn’t talk about it behind their back, and we most definitely shouldn’t judge if they are good or bad. People are people based on not only more than looks, but instead we should think of people in terms that include everything but looks. It what’s inside that is ONLY important. The outside, including what we sit on, is just for functional purposes to get us through this life. That’s why its 100% ok that we all look different. Because it doesn’t matter.

Then I told him I was glad he told me about his feelings and I asked him if I made it awkward.

HE SAID NO AND EVEN GAVE ME A FUCKING HIGH-FIVE!

You guys, my seven and a half year old just approached me on his own, told me he found a particular “teenage girls thing she sits on” appealing, and I managed to not make the conversation awkward according to him.

I’m definitely winning at this whole mom thing.


-Chris Brown/Young Love-