My Mind Runs Wild To Comprehend What No Mind On Earth Could Understand

1,652 days from the day I got married and the day I decided to leave E. (Better than 72 days but still not impressive by any means)

1,762 days from the day I left and started this whole divorce process until yesterday, the day I got that email I thought would never come saying:

Divorce

In blue writing, emoji’s and all (yeah… millennials lol).  My divorce took 110 day longer than my entire marriage lasted.

Anyways, I was at work when the long awaited news, and I can honestly say I got overwhelmed. I experienced more emotion in that single moment then I did on my wedding day, or either day I gave birth. I had to leave work right away because I was tearing up so I sent a quick imessage to my boss and J saying I received a personal message and would be back in an hour, and left without waiting for a reply

I couldn’t even make it to my car. I, Me, C, stopped and had to sit in the stairwell to cry. Until this moment I thought people who did crap like that were just overly dramatic, like for real get your shit together. Until I couldn’t even form thoughts coherent enough to get one foot in front of the other and be confident I wouldn’t fall down the stairs. So I dropped. And sobbed. Until I heard the door above me open and thought my coworker or A had followed me out to make sure I was ok and so I rushed down the stairs to my car. Thankfully it was just another patron of the building, probably wondering what the hell was going on in the stairs lol. By the time I had gotten to my car, I had pulled myself together a bit and decided to drive down the block on the off chance anyone from work did walk out to check on me.

I parked a little ways away and the need to tell someone washed over me. It was like this was a milestone that needed to be observed and when that happens it should be noted by others, at least I thought so. So I called my mom. Wasn’t really my first choice, but it was my option in the moment. I asked if she was busy or if she had a moment to talk, and since I don’t call often ever during the day she said she was just leaving the neighbours house, but go ahead. So I let her know that my divorce was final and to be honest I can’t remember how she responded, since I was trying to suppress tears that were threatening to rise again.

She asked if she could tell the neighbour, who I grew up with and know very well, which I was fine with and she passed along the news, and then as she walked out the door she asked me how I felt about it.

Which I thought was weird. I kinda assumed everyone else would assume I would feel great about it, so the question would be unnecessary, and never asked of me. But when she asked, I realized, I didn’t feel great.

I felt like I had given up hope. I felt like this was something I’d resigned to the fact of never coming to fulfillment. I felt like E had won this forever since everything kept going his way even though his way was ridiculous. I felt like this battle had already been lost and why bother fighting anymore. So I had stopped a long time ago to preserve myself and my sanity.

And now to have it dropped in my lap…. A victory as such? I honestly didn’t know how to feel because I hadn’t prepared for it in anyway. I had only prepared for the opposite. In every way shape and form I had settled on the fact that this divorce was going to take the rest of my life and I would be stuck with E in this way forever. Caught in limbo, with each turn becoming a dead end. With each path I pursued leading me to more desolation. It no longer occurred to me that there could still be a finish line, let alone one that brought me such a decent outcome being sole custody and child support, which may not seem like much to you, but after all this time its everything to myself and the kids.

So to be shocked with this. This end. This end that provided me with something I had not planned for, was almost frightening. An end that set me free from E?

I don’t know how I feel. But I know I will know be able to spend the rest of my life discovering the new me because of it.

The new feelings and new emotions that this freedom has brought.

Because now, after many long long years, I feel I have truly lost my chains.

I, C… She has been set free. From my paranoid schizophrenic physically, mentally and emotionally abusive husband yes, but from so much more.

Where this freedom takes me is COMPLETELY up to me and only me.


-Hillsong United/Here Now (Madness)-

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Freedom! Where Are You? Cause I Need Freedom Too! I Break Chains All By Myself Won’t Let My Freedom Rot In Hell

Things are looking up. Way up.

I honestly hardly slept at all last night, for various reasons, but the thought of the court date today was a large component in keeping me up.

I haven’t been this excited/anxious/nervous what have you, for anything in… well I honestly can’t remember anything keeping me up like this except Christmas as a little girl. Not my wedding night. Not giving birth. Like literally nothing has given me the anticipation that this day did ever.

Today at work I was hardly productive. I kept checking the time, and comparing it to the time difference to where the court date was. Calculating in my head how long should my lawyer take before I would hear from him. Would I hear from him? What if it was bad news? What if there was no new? Fuck, what if E showed up somehow and messed up everything? Like, I just couldn’t work today, my thoughts were so distracted.

Finally just after 2:00pm I got an email from my lawyer, and I didn’t read it right away. I took a minute to compose myself. Reminding myself that nothing was set in stone, and it could still go one of two ways. Well it could go any way imaginable, but not to assume it was going to go the way I wanted it to, considering things with E never have.

So then when I finally opened the email, I could’ve cried (probably not but you get my excitement level), but my boss was standing right there, so instead I read it out loud. Yeah, my boss knows way to much about my personal life, but that’s what happens when there’s only 3 of you guys in the entire company and you relocate provinces together.

Anyways, word for word, here’s the email from my lawyer.

“C.

We were successful  in obtaining an order to sever the corollary relief today. We also obtained an order giving you primary parenting and day to day decision making for the children as well as child support in the amount based on an income of $XX,XXX per year.

We are going to draft the divorce documents. We will be in touch in due course as to what needs to be done in order to finalize this.

We’re almost done!”

I. Was. So. Happy. I literally didn’t know what to do. I think I’ve re-read it 4 times since, just to make sure it’s not a dream. Yes, there’s still a little bit of work to be done, but this is more progress in one day than what’s been made in 4.5 years.

I can move without E having anything to do with it, as it should be. I can file for maintenance enforcement, and the kids can live a much better quality of life, and soon, officially, I can say I’m divorced. I feel such relief that I don’t even know how to put it into words.

And yeah, now I’ve started crying as I write this. Because that man had such a hold on my life. I felt like I couldn’t be happy, and this just feels like such a break through. I feel like I can start living now. No clue where or how to start, but I can start really living.

You guys, it’s like after over 4 YEARS of this burden, I might actually have been set free. The whole premise and reason I started this blog was to relieve the weight of E, to tell my story in my own words, and maybe find love again.

So maybe, I’m on my way.


-Beyonce ft. Kendrick Lamar/Freedom-

This Life Is Filled With Hurt When Happiness Doesn’t Work Trust Me, And Take My Hand When The Lights Go Out, You’ll Understand

I haven’t been on top of my writing, I know. For starters, life has been intense this past while, which I’ll try to delve into in a later post. But also, I’ve been having seizures so often now that I just don’t have the energy or strength to write. I’d prefer to spend all my free time ‘recovering’. I have Grand Mal seizures in my sleep, and while they were controlled by meds for the most part of my life, these past 2-3 weeks I’ve been having 1-2 a week, which considering it had been years since they’ve effected me like this, is in and of itself stressful/annoying. They cause so much pain in general. My entire body is sore when I wake up. Last night (and most nights) I bit my tongue and lip. I threw up after I finally dragged myself outta bed and it was full of blood. This time I also scratched up my face, so that was something new. It was also something fairly embarrassing for when I had to take Little E to his hockey game and my face was full of red scratches. Then to top it all off, because apparently that’s not enough, I wet the bed. Yep I’m 30 years old and can’t control my bladder. Attractive.

So, because Little E had a hockey game early (7:30) this morning, and then a birthday party at 2, I took Z to get her nails done 💅🏼 and now because I’m literally too tired to cook, I’m sitting in a McDonald’s play-place, in an attempt to wear the kids out and hopefully have a quiet evening.

I picked up some Epson salts for a bath later and I’ve been living on Extra Strength Advil.

At this point, I’m not sure what’s going on, or what that problem is. All I know is this has been beyond draining and I wish they would stop. To have something happening to my body that is beyond my control is frustrating and annoying. It’s painful and the doctors honestly don’t seem to give a shit. They ask if I’m taking my meds, which I am. And then I’m met with blank stares. It’s like if this medicine doesn’t work, they literally have no clue where to go from there.

So anyways. That’s what’s been going on with me. My brain has decided it’s going rogue, and as a result, my body feels like death.


-Three Days Grace/Pain-

God’s Plan I Hold Back, Sometimes I Won’t / Still Bad Things It’s A Lot Of Bad Things That They Wishin’ On Me

So my house is up for sale. The listing went live on Jan 25th (last Thursday) and there was one showing booked for Sunday that got cancelled last-minute, and now another one for tomorrow. So I’m feeling hopeful that at least people are interested in the place enough to want to come see it in person. But I’ll admit it’s been stressful. Keeping it clean and show ready at all times. I’ve obviously never sold a house before, and so just all the random thoughts that cross my mind every once in a while are crazy. Like “what if it doesn’t sell?”

I honestly hadn’t even considered it until Sunday when the first showing was cancelled. But for real? What in the world will I do if it doesn’t sell? I can’t even begin to let my mind wander down that path. I’m fairly confident just from the amount of activity we’ve had on it in such a short time that someone will scoop it up, so I’m just going to stay focused on the positive. And also keep an eye open for a new place. Everything so far has turned out to be a dud, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed that with the spring coming, that more listings will pop up…I hope? But no, for real. more people want to move in the summer time so they list their property in the spring-ish in hopes to move while kids are out of school, snows off the road etc. Either way I’ve been checking the new listings probably 3 times a day just to make sure. Over kill? Totally. But I want to make sure I’m one of the first to see a new place once it goes up.

Other than that, work’s been decent. I got another bonus this week so I’ll stash that away for the down payment, which all thanks to me (yes, I’m throwing not so subtle shade at y’all) has been growing slowly.

The gym/training has been great. I only have 3-4 more sessions with my trainer left and I haven’t decided what I’m doing after that. Most gyms here require a membership or a contract in order for you to go and I don’t wanna sign some stupid 2 year contract to a gym if I’m moving in 5-6 months, but on the other hand, I don’t want to stop all the progress I’ve made and stop going all together. So I’ve got to think my options through. My co-worker suggested I go to each new gym in the area for their free 2 week trial until we move lol so I guess that’s an option. Currently the top contender is a small gym close to work that I could join on a month to month basis. But this gym is geared more towards heavy lifting, which I have been doing with my trainer, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable signing up to go to a gym where there will be a bunch of butch guys walking around, when I’m still not 100% sure what I’m doing. So I guess yeah I’m just still self-conscious.

My kids are doing good. Well they’re always doing good, although Little E said something quite disconcerting to me the other day. He asked outta no-where if I hear voices in my head. So of course red lights went up so fast because of their dad’s history. I tried to casually ask what he meant, and he continued…

He said he talks to voices that he hears in his head. So I said we all have our inner voice that we talk to, like we have conversations with our self in our minds. But then he continued by saying he actually HEARS them. Audibly.  And then he went on to say that he has 5 different voices. Each with a different voice/sound/distinction. So I asked him what do they say? Because now I’m becoming a little more concerned. And he says he can only hear 2 of them distinctly, but he knows the 5 are there. He’s not sure exactly what they say, but he can hear the different sounds they make. So I suggested to him that he just use his own thoughts to control the voices, and make sure he is always choosing to listen to the voice that is his own.

But I’ll be honest, I’m worried. There’s no “test” persay for schizophrenia. In fact when I was dealing with E first being diagnosed, I asked many doctors if I could’ve known before, or what to look out for, and they all said pretty much the same thing. Until there is a full-on meltdown/mental breakdown there is no way of knowing for sure. But I don’t want to let Little E get to that point. I don’t want him living with voices in his head from such a young age and having him think it’s normal. I want to do whatever I can to stop it, or help it BEFORE it progresses to a point of no return. I don’t want him to start listening to those voices more than the world around him like his dad did. I want everything good and happy and nice for him.

So when I hear him tell me that he has specifically labeled 5 distinct voices in his head, that he can HEAR, not just in his mind, but he hears them talking, so much so that he turns to see if they are there… that highly concerns me. I think I’m totally within my right to look into some preventative…..things? I don’t even know what options are out there, but you can know for sure I’ll be researching them.

I don’t want to leave him until he has a total break down before someone takes me seriously. I take him seriously. So if you have any recommendations on paranoid schizophrenia, and preventative measures, pass them along. Because I know how bad his dad is, and I NEVER want that for Little E.


-Drake/God’s Plan-

 

 

Cause For Every Lie I Tell Them, They Tell Me Three This Is How The World Works Now All He Thinks About Is Me

Whomp there it is (Whomp there it is) Ahh I need emoji’s on my computer’s keyboard so I could follow that up with musical notes or something.

Anyways. My shit gets shittier (Don’t correct my grammar, let’s just all assume at this point I know I’m making up words, it’s called artistic licence), as it’s prone to do. I’m not sure if E is just… well I’m don’t even have words to describe anything he does anymore. I don’t know if it’s for attention or out of boredom or what have you, but he felt the need to call out of the blue on Saturday, after canceling a play date with the kids (yes his once per month, if that, visit with his own spawn) to inform me that there’s a rumor going around about him.

Oh. My. Actual. God. E. I don’t care. I’m not in Junior High any more. I don’t spend my days fighting gossip OR spreading rumors, and I most definitely don’t care if it’s about you! But he proceeded to insist that I needed to know that this rumor was not true, and that I had to know. Fine! What is it?

Well I guess, first off, he supposedly (let’s all take a moment to remember now, EVERYTHING E’s ever told me ie. his age, his secret daughter that he claimed not to know about, him not doing drugs, where our money was going, him not ever even hitting me, he’s going to sign the divorce papers, every word from his mouth has been a lie) anyways, according to him, he heard at his dad’s funeral, which was back in August 2017, a rumor about him having HIV, which he adamantly denies as being true.

When he first told me I honest to god said that’s fine I’m never fucking sleeping with you ever again. Like is this some weird twisted plot to try to get me back? Then for a split second, I tried to think of the last time we did have ANY physical contact, on the off-chance it was true, and he was denying it. My mind was at ease so fast remembering right away that it’s literally been 4 years this week sometime (THAT week back in Kenya), and I’m pretty sure I would’ve shown some sort of symptoms by now, duh.

So after reassuring myself that I was fine (after 4 years symptom free and just a lying ex to show for it) I realized what had made it even worse, was the fact that he had supposedly known about this “rumor” since last summer and has just now thought to tell me. Wow thanks buddy. In the end though, I’m quiet confident that unfortunately it’s just his paranoia working overtime, and he made up the rumor in his head. It’s probably the reason he cancelled the visit with the kids, since he was too afraid to leave his house. Which is best for the kids, because they shouldn’t have to be around someone who is scared of everything and literally thinks the world is out to get them.

But I did chastise myself for letting his head games and paranoia get to me after all these years, even if only for moment. I allowed myself to get carried away with his game to the point of having to trace back when we were together, and then for complete disclosure to you guys, I even considered how in the world I would ever contact all my one night stands from in between then and whenever I last messed around maybe last Feb, since I have zero numbers in my phone. It pissed me off that I let myself get involved and play his game. I honestly should know better. And I think deep down I do know better. But I have to do my due diligence right? What if it was HIV? What if for ONCE in E’s life, he was telling the truth? Now my kids are potentially at risk. Everyone around me is at risk if I don’t take precautionary steps. So yeah, I fell for it. I looked up symptoms right now as I type, and how long they take to appear just to be certain.  I’m feeling much better now knowing I’m loooooong past the 2-4 week stage. But still frustrated at myself for letting him get in my head. Twice. Once during the phone call and again now as I confirmed. Aggggh.

So, that was that incident.

Move onto yesterday when I get an email from my lawyer starting with, word for word “We’re so close to completion”

YESSSSSSS!!!! Happy dance.

But then it goes on saying that I have to contact legal aid to update my file before he can continue. I’m using legal aid because at the beginning of this 4 year long drawn out divorce, I had just flown back from Kenya with 2 kids, and headed back to school so I had zilch to my name, and legal aid allowed me access to a lawyer at a reduced rate. Fast forward to now, where I own a house and a car and I’m pretty sure I make more than the limit for legal aid. So now I’m actually nervous to call legal aid because they want me to do a financial overview.

I don’t wanna.

‘Cause what if now I make more than allowed by legal aid, and so I can no longer access their services? Well turns out my fears were accurate. After an hour and forty-five mintues on hold today I finally got through to find out that according to them, I now make enough money that I should be able to afford a lawyer at a “normal rate.” You know because I wasn’t having enough annoyances with money lately without this junk thrown on top of the heap.

All this did was make me more mad at E. At this point I feel like he should have to pay my legal fees if they are going to increase a whole bunch (which they are). Now hear my logic on this one. I’ve had a lawyer at a reduced rate until now (January 2018 basically). And according to him, ‘we’re so close to completion.” So had E not delayed the divorce/signing the agreements for FOUR years, it would’ve been done a long time ago, way before this month. So now, if I have to go and find a new lawyer and start again (well not the whole process over, but he’ll be new to me and I’ll have to explain everything again which takes time, and to lawyers time is money) then that’s going to cost me big bucks, which quite frankly, I think should come out of E’s pocket. Agh, just to see my lawyer say that we’re almost done, but then have this happen because I’m doing better for myself is a shot while I’m down. I’m trying to move up in the world. It’s like, were all those student loans and mortgage payments and dateless weekends and sleepless night worth any of this shit lately?

I’m still here.

I’m still married to this dick.

Yet I’m still a single mom struggling.


-Taylor Swift/I Did Something Bad-