There’s No Way I Can Save You ‘Cause I Need To Be Saved Too

Today I found myself sitting on a pile of darks while the white’s spun around in the washing machine.

Never in my life have I seemed so pathetic to even myself. Sinking down into a pile of dirty laundry filled with Little E’s sweaty soccer uniform and dirty towels that I’ve used to squirt all over while masturbating and sandy bathing suits mixed with the kids clothes covered in art supplies and grass stains. All just to try and have a few minutes of peace and quiet to myself.

So I closed the door as quietly as possible and sat on the pile as I watched the washer start to do it’s thing. I could hear the kids playing hide and seek and I tried to just focus on relaxing. Something I’m not good at.

Whenever I’ve gone for a massage or anything, the practitioner is always commenting that I need to relax more, that I’m tense. I honestly don’t know what they mean. I literally live my life at this tense level and when I’m laying there on that bad I AM AS RELAXED AS I CAN BE! WTF do you think I’m here for a massage? I’m trying to relax more. You do your thing and massage all my stress away, don’t stress me out more by telling me I’m to stressed! Agh!

Anyways, my newest reason for stress is back to my headaches/seizures. My headaches have been out of control for a few months and no amount of sleep, advil, crying, hot showers or medication has proven to be able to stop them. So my doctor ordered an EEG for me. “An electroencephalogram (EEG) is a test used to find problems related to electrical activity of the brain. An EEG tracks and records brain wave patterns” – Thanks Google. Anyways, I went last Friday to the hospital for it. This isn’t my first go at something like this. I’ve had numerous EEG’s, MRI’s and even CAT scans in regards to my seizures. All of them showing that yes, there’s stuff going on up there that’s out of the ordinary, but no one knows why or what to do.

So I’m laying there on the bed once the tech gets all 29 electrodes glued to my head and we go through the deep breathing they have you do and then they have a flashing light set up to see how the brain waves react, which is fine for me since my seizures are not triggered by light, and then I’m just laying there for the last 20 minutes or so. That’s when it happened. Finally while I’m all hooked up to wires and everything to have it recorded on paper for proof.

I had one of my ‘experiences’

Just like a few times before, the world around me melted away and I was nothing and nowhere and everything was complete peace. Until the tech started moving around slowly and said “OK C, That’s it” She then proceeded to ask me if I had a Neurologist in the area (No) and if I had other recent scans handy to give the Dr. (Not on my person at the time, should I have brought them?). And that was that. She pulled out the electrodes and washed out the glue with zero regard to my fresh wash’n’go, messing the hell outta my hair, and I was on my way.

My phone rang on the drive home but I missed it as it was still on silent from the scan, but the voicemail was from the hospital:

IMG_2902

I’m so messed up lol. The Dr. who read my results is requesting me as a patient lol, right after the tech explained to me that appointments with a Neurologist normally take a few months to get, and are on a first come first serve basis. So whichever Dr has a space available next, goes to the person at the top of the list. But here I am, getting name requested by the Dr. himself! I must have some juicy problems going on up there!  I feel like this is way back in elementary school when teams are being picked for soccer at recess but now for the first time I was chosen first. (Yeah I was not an athletic kid lol)

Never in my wildest dream did I think I’d get pushed to the front of the line because of how fucked up my brain was/is. It’s validating in a way. A really weird messed up way, but a way nonetheless. Just to know that everything I’ve been going through is real. And has been recorded on paper by a legitimate hospital, and an actual Dr. might have a solution for me.

And in that weird way, I found myself trying to relax in the dark and quiet to just have some me time this morning in a pile of dirty laundry. This lasted all of 6 minutes based on the washing machine timer, until Z came and sat on the pile of lights beside me and started chatting away. Not in an annoying way, but not in a quiet way either. Asking her cute questions like what are you doing mom? Oh I’ll sit to! What time until my friends come over? What time is it now? How much longer until that time? Oh that’s my blanket in the wash. Oh there goes my shirt. Hey that’s my blanket again. And so it went a stream of endless questions.

So I just settled in and answered her questions as patiently and as detailed as I could. Knowing that this knowledge is the basis of the rest of her life. These questions are empty space in her mind and the answers I give her are building bridges in her mind. I can’t do my kids wrong because my mind is messed up and overloaded with stress. I want to make sure my kids don’t have faulty connections that start to break down as they get older like their dad and I have struggled with. I want them to have strong knowledge and minds that hold them through their life. Our being here in life is so much more than meets the physical eye and I have to do my best to not only heal past hurt on my part so it doesn’t trickle down to them, but also help create new bridges and connections in those newly formed spaces that previously held nothing or damaged things. So I take my time. I answer questions with peace and strong lasting knowledge and hope that what I help create in them has a loving, beautiful and lasting effect. That can pass down through generations to come.

Whether or not my brain can handle seeing it.


-Post Malone Ft. Young Thug / Goodbyes-

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So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

I Got Boy Problems That’s The Human In Me / Don’t Text Me, Tell It Straight To My Face

Yesterday out of the blue E sent a text to see how the kids are and to ask me to say hi to them. They haven’t really talked much in months, and the last time they saw him was at Christmas.

By now, I thought I was over E. and as far as our relationship goes, I am. But when I got that text, I was bothered. And I was even more annoyed at myself by the fact that I was bothered by him. Maybe it was the wording of his text, and maybe it was just my mood even before I received it, but it irked me. Basically My reply was a curt, the kids are good.

Because they are always good. I make sure of that. Because I’m here every day raising them. I don’t check in every 6 months to see how they are. I’m their mother 24/7/365. And so I was frustrated. But in the sake of good parenting, I did pass the message along to the kids and asked if they’d like to either call or message back. Little E opted for the text, and wrote out a little message about what he’s been up to lately and hit send. Then Z dictated to Little E a note for him to type. And that’s when my annoyance built up enough for me to vent here.

Her note was as innocent as any 5 year old who’s going about messaging their father could be. Hi Daddy. I love you. Etc…

I could’ve stabbed E with all the anger I felt in that moment. Here I’ve been, for the last 5 and a half years, taking care of these kids without him, and in one text, he swoops in and receives the same type of gratitude I get on a daily basis. No I’m not frustrated at Z, in all her innocence she’s just acting out how she’s seen other kids be with their dads. And she assumes you say I love you. And that’s not wrong, but in those circumstances there’s years of trust built up. There’s time put in. There’s sleepless nights attached. There’s financial stress involved. There’s fear of loss attached. All the aspects to create what I think deserves at least the start of love.

But she gives it with wreak less abandonment to a man who doesn’t understand the pain he’s caused.

I’m not upset at Z. On one hand I think it’s brave of Z to support E with love that cannot be returned and want to let her make her own choices. But on the other hand I want to caution her on attempting to set sail on a sinking ship. I don’t want to set her on a path where she feels her love is unreturned and therefore somehow not good enough.

For now though, I’m just going to take a day of two to cool off my irrational anger towards E for receiving what in my opinion is undeserving love and I’ll come back to this at a later time.

– Lizzo / Truth Hurts –

Thoughts

A few weeks ago I was laying in bed and relaxing before going to sleep and calming my breathing and thought patterns as has become my habit lately. Also something that has become part of my life is thinking of K too much. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I pushed thought of him as far I could. Sometimes thoughts of him would come, but it’s wasn’t so much thoughts of him so much as thoughts from him. And sometimes I figured what’s the harm of enjoying what little of him I had in my life? And I would allow the thoughts from him to hold me while I slept at night or tell me he loved me… things like that. But a few weeks ago, as I was relaxing, and getting rid of my thoughts from the day and releasing unwanted emotions and energy etc, all of a sudden I was just a thought. I wasn’t even in my room or on my bed. Me, in my whole entirety as C, was represented as only a thought. I had no weight of the world holding me down. No previous emotions or situations keeping me here. I was just so in that moment that I was singularly that thought of Me. And I was with the singular thought that represents K. And we talked.

And then to reform my world was a slow scary step by step process. What should I do first? How should I move to ‘rebecome’ C? The room and remembrance of where I was on my bed in Kelowna took place first. And then from there the whole world as it was just sort of fell into place in my memory as I reached slowly for a drink or water. The whole time thinking is this the right move to make? Or should I be recreating this scene differently? Am I fucking up all of my future? Or is this predestined already? Anyways. I laid back on my bed and went to sleep almost immediately, and dreamt of K which at this point is normal.

What was not normal? K called me the next day. After all this time.

Up until now, I could basically play it off like this was all in my head and I’m just a girl who was way to in love with a guy. But when he called the next day and said he was thinking of me the night before… a lot. And that he’d been thinking of me a lot all the time? It was both a relief and a stress.

Now this is real real. Like now I can’t just play it off like this is only in my head. Now he’s obviously connected to me too. I explained what happened to me (kinda, I mean how do you explain this) expecting him to have experienced the same, but was disappointed when he said no, he just heard my name said over and over so loud and clear in his head. I asked him who’s voice it sounded like and he said his own. So either he’s downplayed what happened to him, or he’s not experiencing things as deeply as I am, in which case lucky him because this shit is scary. When the whole universe dissolves enough to bring your being close enough to someone else’s so they hear your name, but then the reality is recreated like no biggie? How else do you describe it other than terrifying?

And how do I move on from here? It’s not like there’s a textbook full of studies on the subject. When you’ve discovered something this mind blowing and new, it’s…. well mind blowing and new. So I’m at a loss.

A loss so big it’s leaving me feeling very alone and helpless. Because I literally feel like there is no one to turn to for support, as this is not something that’s been dealt with before and the person I’m supposedly going through it with, is not even as deep as I am.

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

When you sit back and think about it, we all had to come from somewhere. Someone somehow we are all connected. I know it’s not a thought we all consider on the daily, but logically, this earth didn’t just appear yesterday functioning at this level of consciousness and efficiency that we are at today. Which leads me to wonder, when did it start, and from where, which leads to the only logical consideration that no matter what you believe as far as a creation standpoint, it will start at some point. Lending to the argument that we all, weather we like it or not, weather we want it or not, we all started at the same point. Not us in our physical bodies as we stand today, but as the very least the creation of either our thought or our soul or whatever you may call it.

So, if we were all “created” or “started” at the same “time” or within the same breathe or choose the same moment to begin, or whatever you believe or whichever path your thoughts took long ago, it really makes no difference what journey your thoughts took, what matters is that in this moment, we are here together, and we, logically thinking and speaking, all began in the exact same moment.

Have we had the exact same experiences since that time? Of course not. This journey is just that. A journey. With each of us individually afforded our own choices and decision making skills. Throughout the infinite history, it has brought our bodies to this point in time, where we can acknowledge the grandeur of our past and move on, or rest in our souls accomplishments thus far. Has your body completed what it wanted to when it first set out? Were you part of the decision making process to decide grass was green or the earth would rotate a certain direction or maybe your thoughts took the journey to decide the sun would burn hot instead of freeze cold.

And now we’re here. What are your thoughts actively partaking in? Are you thinking universal as you might have once done? Or have you narrowed your mind to just think simply of your bodies day to day activity?

They say ” God” is the body, the thought and the mind…. a do your u hear what I hear type thing. So when you lay in bed at night, have you closed your thoughts down to hear only “you” over the years, decades, even possible lifetimes you have lived? Or do you put your body to rest, and then just breathe. And relax your own thinking to slow down and hear the thoughts of others. Or on the other hand, are the thoughts you project into the world hindering the progression of what weave made thus far? Or contributing?

Or, the most fearsome consideration yet, have we all become so worn down by what we’ve created, that we’ve given up and we are all ready to go back to our original form. A much simpler, more loving, even God like form. Once we reconcile our lives and our souls can rest, we make that choice to. Instead of coming back to this projected perceived world, we make our final choice to rest our soul for good. We remove our thoughts and we, as an individual are no more. No more thought. No more chances. Just done.

Chosen one person at a time, will leave this world with many broken souls who didn’t know they had the chance to choose. Not somewhere I’d like to be, but once my soul is done, not something I will have knowledge of either way..


-R.E.M/ Its The End Of The World As We Know It-