Our Finest Gifts We Bring/To Lay Before The King/I Am A Poor Boy Too/I Have No Gift To Bring/Shall I Play For You

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So this is little E’s Christmas list this year. The list came about after he would continually talk about things he would like for Christmas (actually it was probably the same couple things over and over but to be honest I was hardly paying attention… opps), so I suggested he write a list for “Santa” and we could even maybe mail it to him.

Which is when my very clever boy asked if Santa is even real. Little E has asked this question this year and the previous 2 years. And each time he asks, I tell the truth. That no, Santa is not real, but it is a fun idea and little kids enjoy the excitement of the idea of him, so lets let them continue to believe. So then he asked who really brings the presents? And I asked him who does he think? And he said me (mom), and so I said yes, you’re right.

Which led to him asking why I would suggest he write a letter to “Santa” and who we would mail it to? So I told him that since I do buy the gifts, I still need an idea of what he would like, and the mailing part is just for fun, part of the whole santa idea. Pretty much the same conversation we had last year about it.

He took it really well and when we got home, he headed up to his room and emerged with this beautiful list. A list that makes me think I’m doing parenting right.

  1. A fish pal – One of his gold-fish recently died on a suicide mission, by jumping out of the bowl. Eli mentioned one morning one of his fish was missing, but I was like no way, it’s got to be in the bowl. But when he insisted, I told him I would look later that afternoon. I spent SOOO long looking for it, under the dresser, in the dresser drawers, even digging around in the bottom of the fishbowl. the whole time terrified I would actually find a dead fish.  I finally found it in the garbage can, all the way at the other side of the dresser, and truly believed that the fish had dove out the bowl, flopped allllllll the way across the long double drawer dresser to its final demise in the garbage can. It’s like we had our own Finding Nemo escape moment. I was blown away. So I go to tell Eli that I found his fish, and that it’s quite an amazing story, but unfortunately ends with the fish dead… and he interrupts me. Saying yeah, he found the fish on the floor right beneath the bowl, so he had picked it up and threw it out.  For a minute I was sad my theory on how the fish got into the garbage was wrong, but also so impressed little E handled it like it was no big deal. Anyways, so now he wants another fish so the remaining one isn’t lonely
  2. Nintendo Land CD
  3. Wii U – Which I’ve been told they don’t make anymore or something like that. So I suggested to him, that maybe we get some new games for his DS that he got last Christmas, he was A-Okay with that.
  4. Party with my family – Like seriously doesn’t this just melt your heart?
  5. To see if we are going to a new home – So I’ve explained to the kids (although Z really doesn’t care) about Kelowna. And I think little E is just ready to get it done.
  6. To wish people a great time- OMG like I love this kid
  7. Cookie decorating – I can totally arrange this
  8. A big home – Like I said, he knows we’re moving, but as sweet and kind as your list is buddy, I can’t afford a big home. But I can promise you it will be safe and warm and full of love.
  9. To teach me good manners – Honest to god he wrote this list himself with no influence from me. Well no influence at the time, but I’ve obviously been an influence in his life to make him. a 7-year-old boy, ask for good manners for Christmas.
  10. A boy – I asked him what this one meant. He said he wants a baby boy in our family… Ummmm. Sorry hun, I can’t get you that for Christmas. And then he suggested that maybe Aunty N, who’s pregnant can have a boy. Phew, as long as you’re not asking for a little brother, because my hands are tied on that one lol.

 

Anyways, on the way back from the gym tonight I was talking to him some more about his list and how it was very thoughtful and not greedy, and I was very proud of him. He turned around and said “but it is greedy, I asked for 10 things”

Oh little E, but the things you asked for are not all THINGS. They weren’t just stuff. You have learned a very important lesson about whats important in life, and that is that people and time and love, all those experiences, are much more valuable, and more important and can make you much happier than just stuff, or toys, or games.  And that was reflected in your list. You showed that you were not being greedy by wanting to wish others a great time, or spend time with your family, or even by wanting to better yourself with good manners. All those are the opposite of being greedy. You are turning yourself to the world to try to make the world a better place instead of trying to constantly see what you can get from the world.

I told him I hope he never looses that value, and that love that he’s shown in that letter.

And I hope I can continue to point my children in what I feel is the right direction.


-Little E’s Fav Christmas Song/Drummer Boy-

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog 😎.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

A Little Less Conversation A Little More Action Please

Ladies! What is wrong with us? Apparently the majority of the female population are putting out this vibe that we don’t give a f**k? That we aren’t there to support or listen to men. It’s absurd how many guys, after ONE night/date/phone call/what have you, will tell me I’m so easy to talk to, or that I really listen, or that they should be paying me for my therapy services, or they feel really comfortable around me unlike other girls in the past.
This truly baffles me. Because I don’t feel like I’m doing anything extraordinary that any human being shouldn’t be practicing on a daily basis. I make conversation. I make a honest effort to get to know people. I enjoy making people smile, but I also know there’s a time and a place for that. I understand sympathy but because of my life I hold a large amount of empathy in many situations. I don’t think anyone’s thoughts are invalid, dumb sometimes, yes but I understand everyone has their own opinions.

What I don’t understand, is how so many men, seem to have never met a woman who listens like I do. Because it’s so simple. Men have issues and feelings that they need someone to talk to about, probably even more so than chicks, because they most likely don’t have a group of gal pals they gossip with every Friday night unlike some people…. But they don’t wanna tell a woman all their issues so the girl can tell them what do with it, or try to solve the problem for them. But instead they want to talk with a woman so the man feels support in the choices he’s making. If he feels he trusts the girl enough, then believe me, I know by experience, he will ask for your advice, and because it’s welcomed and invited at that point, 90%+ of the time, he’ll take it.

But if girls are just either not going to want to listen to men talk about deep stuff in their lives in the first place, or listen only to tell the guy what to do? Then the guys aren’t gonna wanna talk.

I try to always remember this saying I heard so many years ago.

“Most people listen to respond, they don’t listen to hear.’

And since then I’ve tried to make a conscious effort to listen to hear what a person is truly saying. Sometimes I pause, think it through, I even ask myself if it requires a response, then if so what direction should it go. Because sometimes an individual won’t speak the exact words directly, but the meanings or implications are there if you are seriously making an effort to hear.

I dunno… it’s either really working, or really not, depending on what way you view my situation/life  😂


-Elvis Presley/A Little Less Conversation-

I’ll Take A Breath, I’ll Take Her By My Side We Stand In Awe, We’ve Created Life

With little E’s birthday yesterday and Z’s coming up next week, it’s really been hitting a chord I didn’t even know I had. I want another baby. My kids are growing up and soon I’ll have a 4 & 7-year-old in my house and I won’t even be able to pretend I have a toddler anymore. I’ll officially have two children. Kids who are growing up too fast for me and I don’t like it. I heard something years ago, after I left E, that bothered me. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I think it was some fairly reputable therapist, regarding step-parents. They said (paraphrased) that if a new partner enters a child’s life in a parenting role by the age of 6, then it’s easier for that kids to adjust to them as a parent, and accept them. But any later than that, and basically the parenting, in particular the discipline should be done mainly by the birth parent only.

That resonated with me, and has stayed in the back of my mind all these years. I wanted SOOO badly for little E to have a solid connection with a male role model in his life. He has nothing with E. Nothing. And just the thought that by now the opportunity for a meaningful bond to form between him and any potential ‘dad’ is heartbreaking. I know, I know, that thing I heard was just one mans opinion and there are plenty of scenarios that prove otherwise, but the thought still lingers.

I never wanted little E and Z to be fatherless. It was obviously never my plan. But life happens. Shit happens. And now I’m just so disappointed with the path my life is on in this regards. I feel like a failure to my kids in that I haven’t been able to provide them with the home environment that I always envisioned. The “perfect” family.  Or at least a family that looked half decent to outsiders looking in, since no-ones perfect.

You know, the typical mom, dad, son and daughter…. But now it’s just the three of us. With little E apparently at an age where he will have trouble connecting with a new father figure.

And yet I still want another baby. But by the looks of things, it could be years before that happens if it ever does, and do I really want that kind of age gap between my kids? Plus will I be able to carry another baby to term by then?

Maybe I’m being selfish, since I want the experience of being pregnant with a man who supports me during the pregnancy and just to see how it would be like to have him love the baby from the start. But is that fair to little E and Z, who have never experienced anything even remotely similar?

I’m from a blended family, with my little sister N being born after my mom got re-married, and R and I could 100% tell the difference in the way my step dad treated her in comparison to us, which is something I never want little E and Z to feel.

So now, I have this desire for a baby. To experience the joy I see couples have when they do it together. Something I’ve never had. I know I was married, but I’ve been single parenting it since day 1. E never once woke up at night to change a diaper or do a late night feed, or even to bring the baby to me so I could nurse them. He wasn’t there to help teach either one of them to walk or talk. He’s never driven the kids to school or daycare. He’s hardly ever attended a school function or play. He’s been pretty absent since the get go.

So, maybe I’m being selfish, but these last few months I’ve been really thinking about another child, and the feasibility of it all. I want it so badly I’m tearing up right now, but I know I can’t just go randomly and get pregnant “just because” I want it.

I won’t ever put another child through what little E and Z have gone through. A childhood without a father.

So until I find a man who’s in it for the long-LONG term, I’ll just have to shelf my desires and focus on the kids I already have.


-Creed/Arms Wide Open-

Happy Birthday To You Happy Birthday Dear Little E, Happy Birthday To You.

Today is little E’s 7th birthday. And I have so many things I’ve been wanting to post about, but decided to write about the day he was born. Because that’s a story of its own!

My pregnancy with little E went great. Absolutely no morning sickness, none of the uncomfortable sleeping at night, just a tiny bit of heartburn near the end which I’m pretty sure can be attributed to all the hair he was born with. I’m very lucky to have had such a good pregnancy because E was no support. Throughout the 9 months, he would often suggest that the baby was in fact not his, and that the night of my failed housewarming ( https://shewassetfree.wordpress.com/2017/04/12/house-warming-it-was-cold-as-fuck/) I had slept with S, and therefore who knows how many other men. As you can imagine this was difficult to deal with while pregnant, and I didn’t feel very supported, so it was nice to at least feel like the baby was working with me.

The only thing that really changed for me was that I craved steak like nobody’s business. I could eat steak for breakfast, lunch, dinner and still want more, until some blood work revealed that it was amazing I was still up and walking since my iron was SO depleted. Once I got on some iron supplements, the cravings slowed and then the only that bothered me was smell.

EVERYTHING stunk to me. Especially E. He would get home from work, I’d have to ask him to shower. He’d come home from rugby practice, where he just showered, and I’d make him do it again. Before we left anywhere, I’d ask him to reapply deodorant, or shower. I know he didn’t actually stink more than before, but to me? Oh god the smell was awful. At one point we went to my parents for supper and I actually apologized to my mom for how E smelled and she’s like ‘honey, he doesn’t smell, it’s your nose/hormones’ … didn’t matter to me, I still needed him to shower 3x a day if not more.

So, anyways as we neared, and then passed little E’s due date, I found myself doing all the preparations for the baby. E didn’t put together one baby item. He didn’t purchase one particle of clothing for our first child. He was barely interested in conversations about the name even. Except of course to throw in the lies about the middle name and confuse the shit outta everything. But as far as first names go, it was basically up to me, which I’m so grateful for! At least now I don’t have to say my kids names every day and have regrets about them. I picked them both out and love them throughly.

Since apparently my womb is so comfortable, little E stayed 10 days past his due date and I had an appointment to be induced. E decided he didn’t want to come with me, so I drove myself to the hospital. He basically said let him know how it goes and if anything happens, he would come later.

So I was on my own. 22 years old. About to give birth to my first child. And my husband chose work over supporting me.

I went through the process and stayed for about an hour when the nurse came to check me out and said there was no signs of labor so I could head home for now, but to come back if anything changes. So I headed home. I had some slight back pain but, since this was my first time, I kept waiting for ‘contractions’ and yet had no idea what they would feel like. My back pain kept getting worse and I had no way of relieving it, so I took a shower. E was home from work by the time I got out of the shower but I was in so much pain all I could do was sit on my towel on my bed. This ended up being probably the best thing for me, since while I was still on the towel, my water broke and I finally clued in that my back pain was actually contractions. #idiot
I told E we had to go now, and his response was that I had to wait since he needed to eat since he just got him from work and was hungry. So while E did whatever he did in the kitchen, I got myself dressed and hauled my hospital bag out to the car, all while in labor.
E finally moseyed his way to the car and we went to the hospital where I was admitted ASAP.

My mom met us at the hospital since at this point I knew E was going to be probably not too much help and to be honest I was scared and needed someone to be there as a support. Most women have their husbands for support, but well, I had E soooo, mom was like my plus one.

My mom came into the room and then E left! I was like what the? And he told us that he didn’t think he was going to stay in the room because where he’s from the men don’t stay, it’s more of a woman’s thing. I was like get your ass in this room right now! You got me into this! You are going to help me through it! I don’t care if you just stand there silently or even faint! You stay!
So he did, although he just stood there quietly, he stayed in the room.

Meanwhile, because everything was happening so quickly, my room was buzzing with people. My maid of honor at my wedding is actually a labour and delivery nurse and was working that night, which was the only thing keeping me sane. She tried to make sure I had the best Dr. and nurses and when the actual delivery came she was right there helping out too.

I didn’t have a big ‘delivery plan’. I knew I was all for the drugs though, I mean if I can do this pain-free, then load me up. So they started with the laughing gas (which did nothing to help) while my MOH tracked down an anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist came and did his poke, but for some reason, the epidural didn’t work either, and this baby was coming NOW.

I remember the Dr doing that dumb counting thing, like for your breathing, and everyone’s saying oh you’re doing great, good job, keep going, and I just snapped. I actually yelled ‘SHUT UP’ at everyone. In my mind I just wanted quite so I could focus on my own in peace, plus their words were doing nothing to help so I just wanted silence. After I yelled though I felt bad so I kept apologizing, and trying to explain how I just needed quite, and everyone’s like no it’s ok, you can yell all you want.

So, the pushing is going on and there’s so much happening in my room with me and E and my mom and about 6-8 staff (I don’t even know for sure) because something is going wrong…. as I’m pushing, the baby gets stuck. So my MOH gets a stool and stands on it, holds her arms out like she’s about to perform CPR and then literally JUMPS and pushes onto my belly and helps push little E out. Who let me tell you, WAS NOT LITTLE!

Little E was 9lbs 7ozs and a short little sucker. He looked like a sumo wrestler no lie. A cute sumo wrestler. The Dr who delivered him felt the need to comment saying ‘Oh if I had known he was this big, I would’ve done a C-section’. Oh thank you for that. Thanks for saying that NOW! When there’s no going back. Thanks for talking about the huge new life I just pushed through my vagina while you use a dozen stitches to close me up. Yeah, thanks. Real professional.

But, aside from having my genitalia ripped open, the drugs not working, and E not being interested at all in being there…

It was the most beautiful day of my life. No I didn’t cry. But I was very broken at the time. I did cherish it though. I remember little E had no problem starting to nurse and the feeling of having a new life, a human, so small yet fully functioning, look into your eyes while feeding off of the life you bring it? Priceless.

I stayed up all night just watching him. Making sure he was ok. Changing diapers that didn’t need to be changed, but just to do it.. Waking up E so he could bring me the baby. Holding him. Touching him. Stroking his hair. Looking into his eyes. Singing to him. Just loving him. And I would do it all again.
Everything I’ve been through with E, I would do again just to have the amazing experience of little E’s life it has brought me.

7 years ago today.


-Patty Hill&Mildred Hill/Happy Birthday-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just be a waste of my time and end up a waste of time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was super impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behaviour. And all his actions lead me to believe with really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with made up songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself. Or taking the time to teach little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me. Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

If I Got Locked Away And We Lost it All Today Tell Me Honestly, Would You Still Love Me The Same?

He called. 

Finally. Right in the middle of my Canada Day family gathering with everyone over at my place. On a line where I could barely hear anything, but it didn’t matter because he called. 

So I can put to rest some imaginary situations my very active mind had thought up in the last few days, and just appreciate the call for now. Just enjoy the fact that even though it took 4 days, he’s been going through way more during the last little while than I have, yet he still managed to ask how little E and Z were doing. 

The call was super quick since I was hosting dinner for about 16 people in my tiny townhouse, and there wasn’t much spare quite time, but I asked him how he was and to see if he was ok. He was honest and said it fuckin sucked… not that I expect anything different. I don’t expect him to be thrilled to be there, living the dream type thing. Mainly I want to make sure he’s safe, so to hear his voice, and to hear him say that yeah it sucks, tears me apart inside because I know it must be awful, and that I can’t do anything to help makes it even worse. 

But on the other hand, the other very selfish hand… I’m elated that he called. Because the worst thought that crossed my mind was what if he doesn’t call? What if either he was using me and this is his way out? Because I can’t track him down and have no way of finding him one day so if he was done with me this was his perfect opportunity to “ghost” me. Or he wasn’t using me, but still decided he was done because wanted a fresh start after his warrant was up, same outcome, he could’ve easily not contacted me, and I wouldn’t have been able to track him down, so it would have been the end. 

So, I’m just happy he called. Because now I can put those things behind me. Plus I got to hear his laugh. Now, hopefully I can be a better conversationalist next time he calls, instead of having to hang up after a few short minutes because I have company. 
-R. City/Locked Away-

I’m at a Payphone Trying to Call Home All of My Change I Spent on You/Baby it’s All Wrong Where are the Plans We Made for Two

Nothing. 

They say no news is good news, but that’s the biggest pile of shit ever. 

It’s only been like just over 48 hours, so I’m trying to be patient, but I guess it’s not a strong point of mine. 

I started off my day yesterday researching where to even start looking for where to contact K. I googled so many different searches that if I die and my browser history is revealed, people will have some weird questions about me. Anyways it lead me to a phone number for the cops about recent arrests… which I dialed. But as I make my way through the automated voice response, to the extension I needed, a recording starts which says that ‘they cannot release information about detainees over the age of 18, and it is up to them to inform their families of their whereabouts’ Oh great, I’m thinking. Why bother having this number anyways if you can’t give out information!?! 

Then, an actual person comes on the phone and I explained that although I heard the recording, I’m looking for an individual who was recently arrested after breaking parole, and I have no idea where to start looking. He said if it was a parole violation most likely he was sent to a certain centre and to try there. So I thanked him for at least pointing me somewhere and then looked up the centre. 

Yep, you guessed it. Same thing. They won’t release information on individuals held there. So now, the only way I’ll know where K is, and if he’s ok, is if he calls me, or reaches out to me in any fashion. 

And that scares me. Because why hasn’t he yet? And what if he doesn’t. Like I get he has to contact his family first and like a lawyer maybe… I don’t know how it works, and maybe he’s only allowed a certain number of calls a day… or maybe he doesn’t have money for a call? 

So many thoughts are running through my head, mainly, is he ok? And will he call? And why did things have to pause on such an unstable note between us? And how long do i wait for him to call before realizing he won’t? 

Agggghhhh. I seriously don’t even have the proper words to describe my feelings/frustration. 
-Maroon 5/Payphone-

By Now You Should’ve Somehow Realized What You Gotta Do I Don’t Believe that Anybody Feels The Way I Do About You Now

This post is just some odds and ends about everything that’s been happening lately. I just don’t feel like going to deep into anything because life has been really handing it to me this week, but have I have a lot of quick updates I’d like to share.

My Grandma apparently specified that all the grandkids were to split the money from a piece of land she just recently sold, with everything else going to my grandpa. So I can expect an amazing check from her estate within the next two weeks and I have decided that I’m going to use a portion of it to take my kids and I on a cruise on (or near) my 30th birthday this fall (well that and some backyard renos… among other house fixes. I have to tear up my deck$$$ and so, fake grass here we come). I’ve never been on a cruise or on a relaxing holiday as an adult. Yes I’ve traveled a lot, but never on holiday. So I’ve decided it’s about time. I’ll get back to you in a month or so once I’ve booked it with more details.

Speaking of timelines, the divorce SHOULD be nearing the end. I feel like I’ve been saying this for about 1.5 years, but for real now, everything is agreed on and unless E pulls some random move, we should be signing within a month or two and I’ll officially be a single woman.

Next, work has asked me to start working an extra day per week. So starting in July I’ll move from 3 to 4 days a week and still have a long weekend every week. The extra remuneration is totally worth it, and I’m planning within 6-8 months to get a new car with the additional cash. Cause I still hate my junk bucket.

Plus on top of all that, Eli asked me this morning out of the blue why we don’t live with dad anymore. We were on our way into my parents house and so I told him I would talk to him about it when we had a chance to sit down and discuss it fully later today. I know he knows what happened, because he’s brought it up in the past, he used to refer to it as the time daddy gave mommy a spanking, since that’s the only way his young mind could explain it. Although its been a while since he’s talked like that. I’m not sure if he’s forgotten about the incident or if he just doesn’t get why E doesn’t live with us. I really have to think through how I’m going to deal with this.

I have to really think through how I’m going to handle a lot of stuff in my life right now.

I’m just hoping I get a redo in some areas. Wouldn’t that be nice? A rewind button on life. And yes, I do realize I have a lot of money coming my way in the next while, between my grandma dying, E’s unpaid support, and work upping my pay. Maybe Karma does exist lol? I went for a long time with very little. I sacrificed a lot for both E and the kids. I moved to the middle of nowhere with no electricity or running water for years. No makeup or new clothes or food I didn’t grow. No internet or phone…I kinda feel like I’ve earned everything that’s coming to me. Now I just have to try not to spend it before it’s in my pocket 😏


-Oasis/Wonderwall-