Tag: lost

It’s The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine

She was set free8 Comments

When you sit back and think about it, we all had to come from somewhere. Someone somehow we are all connected. I know it’s not a thought we all consider on the daily, but logically, this earth didn’t just appear yesterday functioning at this level of consciousness and efficiency that we are at today. Which leads me to wonder, when did it start, and from where, which leads to the only logical consideration that no matter what you believe as far as a creation standpoint, it will start at some point. Lending to the argument that we all, weather we like it or not, weather we want it or not, we all started at the same point. Not us in our physical bodies as we stand today, but as the very least the creation of either our thought or our soul or whatever you may call it.

So, if we were all “created” or “started” at the same “time” or within the same breathe or choose the same moment to begin, or whatever you believe or whichever path your thoughts took long ago, it really makes no difference what journey your thoughts took, what matters is that in this moment, we are here together, and we, logically thinking and speaking, all began in the exact same moment.

Have we had the exact same experiences since that time? Of course not. This journey is just that. A journey. With each of us individually afforded our own choices and decision making skills. Throughout the infinite history, it has brought our bodies to this point in time, where we can acknowledge the grandeur of our past and move on, or rest in our souls accomplishments thus far. Has your body completed what it wanted to when it first set out? Were you part of the decision making process to decide grass was green or the earth would rotate a certain direction or maybe your thoughts took the journey to decide the sun would burn hot instead of freeze cold.

And now we’re here. What are your thoughts actively partaking in? Are you thinking universal as you might have once done? Or have you narrowed your mind to just think simply of your bodies day to day activity?

They say ” God” is the body, the thought and the mind…. a do your u hear what I hear type thing. So when you lay in bed at night, have you closed your thoughts down to hear only “you” over the years, decades, even possible lifetimes you have lived? Or do you put your body to rest, and then just breathe. And relax your own thinking to slow down and hear the thoughts of others. Or on the other hand, are the thoughts you project into the world hindering the progression of what weave made thus far? Or contributing?

Or, the most fearsome consideration yet, have we all become so worn down by what we’ve created, that we’ve given up and we are all ready to go back to our original form. A much simpler, more loving, even God like form. Once we reconcile our lives and our souls can rest, we make that choice to. Instead of coming back to this projected perceived world, we make our final choice to rest our soul for good. We remove our thoughts and we, as an individual are no more. No more thought. No more chances. Just done.

Chosen one person at a time, will leave this world with many broken souls who didn’t know they had the chance to choose. Not somewhere I’d like to be, but once my soul is done, not something I will have knowledge of either way..

-R.E.M/ Its The End Of The World As We Know It-

Advertisements

Take Control Of Your Mind And Just Meditate And Let Your Soul Just Gravitate To The Love

She was set free12 Comments

I’ve come to the conclusion in my life for now, that every time I’ve attempted to produce love, in any kind, it ends in a more broken version of myself.

Maybe, and most likely this is because the men I’ve been showing my version of love to have not been in a receptive state in their lives to be able to receive my emotion and energy, transform it into anything of value on their end and return it to me. Therefore all I’ve been continually doing is outpouring on an ongoing basis, but not getting anything in back.

This self-destructive behavior has left me depleted and more empty than ever. I’ve come to the point were not only do I feel I have very little left to give, but my quality of love is somehow not enough, because in the past it was either maybe rejected, not returned, ignored, stomped upon, laughed at, passed by, or outright told was not good enough in one way or another. So after all my attempts, some being my best work given to the wrong people, some being a half asse attempt thrown out just to see what would happen, I’ve come to a place where I’m so broken that there isn’t enough strength left to put together a decent first move to try any form any relationship of any kind.

So at this point, I’m no longer prepared to put that energy out to anyone anymore because it only produces heartbreak and sorrow. It leads me to wonder can an individual heal themselves after pain that has surmounted in this way after so many years? Or must it come from another. If all my emotion and energy and love was given out to an other person, (not all, but this one chunk) and I was left with hopes of that emotion being given back, yet that hope went unreturned, can I ever be fulfilled from within?

For example I’m a bucket that starts with my hopes and desires and dreams and love at 100% full inside it ok? And I go and give 5% here in love to one person and 5% there to another and a 20% investment to another person, but only receive half back from those people at best, I’ve given 30% and received back 15% leaving me at 85% capacity for love and hope etc. How now, if I have given my best for years and years and only received a lackluster return on my investment and I’m standing at like 30%, how am I supposed to go into any relationship with a positive attitude or an open mind thinking it would ever survive?

It can’t.

For starters, I cannot create love and hopes and dreams from nothing in my mostly empty bucket. I also cannot be the first to initiate anything knowing I’m not in a giving state. I’m broken. Very broken. As I think most of our society is. So that leads me to question, where has all the love and peace and hope actually gone, if we are all walking around with empty buckets?

Can we just think it back into existence? Do we just choose to believe and that somehow sucks it back into our lives? Or are we then somehow unconsciously stealing from someone else’s bucket when they are not standing guard? Did we lose our chance when we didn’t plan it out from the start and thought we’d have an unlimited supply of joy? Because I can tell you right now, it’s like after you reach the 50% mark with no one pouring into you, it’s like someone pokes a hole in the bottom of your bucket and it seems there’s no coming back from that.

Right now, I’m just doing the very best I can to maintain status quo and not reach 0%. But it would be more than I can even put into words if someone would just choose to pour into me. Maybe they found the unlimited tap on love, maybe they have someone pouring into them, maybe they just have the link to hope, but for me, I’m keeping my love on lock for now. I can’t risk loosing anymore.

-Where Is The Love /Black Eyed Peas-

My Cousins Are Crazy / When I Started Out I Just Took What They Gave Me / When You Livin Like This You Supposed To Hate

She was set freeLeave a comment

Caller #3.

Last night I got a call from the prison again. Which I thought (again) was weird when I saw the number show up on my phone. For so many reasons I’m sure you could guess, but the main one being that T (the guy who wrote the phone number wrong last week, for his friend to call) got out on Monday which I found out when he called to tell me he got out early, so I had no connection at this point with anyone in the joint.

No, I really don’t care that much about T, but again I was being nice. He called me from a blocked number, which I’ve learned is pretty standard prison issue (and therefore couldn’t call back to bitch about after the below happened) The call was cut short, because he was headed to visit his family… still not sure why he called me before his family, but guys will be guys. So anyways, T is out, so who could possibly be calling me now?

Well I accept the call, and get a shady af explanation.

Hello?

Hi… You don’t know me but my name is Caller #3 and I got your number from G and my cousin and he said your good peoples (ugh, prison grammer), and so I know this is weird but I was wondering if maybe you could help me.

WHAT? G as in K/G? There is no fucking way he gave you my number to call.

So Caller #3 continues:

I just got off the phone with my cousin M who said you helped out a friend and you might help me out.

Now I’m so confused. I’ve never heard of this cousin of his, so I’m trying to understand how in the world he could vouch for me, saying I’m a good person to talk to, while at the same time beyond embarrassed by even the remote possibility that K knows about last weeks call. So I’m GRILLING Caller #3 to try to find out as many details as I can, and basically all he’s saying is that he just got off the phone with his cousin two seconds ago (Who again I have NO CLUE who he is, even after he goes into detail about who his cousin is dating and what he looks like etc, it all just confuses me more) and all Caller #3 is saying is that his cousin gave him my number to call.

How in the world did his cousin M give Caller #3 my number if I don’t even know who M is? How many guys have my number and are saying I’m a good person to talk to? Then Caller #3 confirms that yes, for sure K/G knows about last week, but he wouldn’t expand on it. So now I’m just like who the fuck is spilling the beans after I specifically asked them to keep their big ass mouths shut? Like I thought this was prison culture. Don’t say anything more than necessary/zip your lip. This? This was never necessary to speak on. Caller #3 kinda gave the vibe off that the whole situation from last week made its way around the block and my phone number is a valuable commodity in the prison now.

So there’s that.

Anyways, once I get over my initial frustration of someone leaking my info, I remember that there’s a guy on the phone who’s calling to ask for help.

So then I asked him what he was in for, and he’s like oh you’re just gonna jump right in like that hey? So I get straight to it. I basically tell him the reason I’m a good person to talk to is because I’ll keep it real and I expect the same in return, and no matter what, I’ll do my best not to judge, offer an opinion? Yes, but I’ll try not to judge. So if I ask a question, just answer. Honestly. I’ll give my heartfelt true advice, which doesn’t mean I’m right obviously, but I’m not going to beat around the bush either. So he said that’s cool, and then proceeds to inform me that he’s two years into a 12 year sentence for Manslaughter.

Well now.

To be honest, there was a slight lump in my throat, but I managed to keep it together, as he told me his quick version of the events, and then we moved on. People are people and they either make mistakes, or they make decisions. Being drunk or sober, you chose to get to that state and now here you are. Having taken someones life.But at the same time I was pissed. Who thinks it’s ok to be giving my phone number out around the PRISON! To people who have been found guilty of killing people? This is putting myself and my kids at potential risk! So I made a huge mental note about who much to reveal of myself, and figured he’s already gotten my phone number now so I might as well help out anyway I can. If I can be a friend for one person, and make that one small change in his life, maybe I’ve done a little good in the world for today.

Either way, this guy too had an issue about how his girlfriend had dumped him.

Guys. In my opinion, if your life path leads you to prison, and the girl you were with was only your girlfriend, I think it’s completely within her right to break up with you. If you were really interested in that relationship, you would’ve focused on it more BEFORE you made the decisions that lead you to be locked up. If she chooses to stay with you through your stint, than create what beauty you can outta that and remember what a solid girl you have. But if your choices led you to prison, then her choices can also lead her wherever she chooses after that. At this point she’s not your wife, you didn’t make that move to solidify your relationship and so she has not made any vow to you in any capacity to stick by you in thick or thin etc. So if she chooses to respectfully break up and move on to someone who can fulfill her life and make her happy in the ways she want to live her life, you cannot stop her. Continued phone calls etc, are probably not a good idea either. Sure a letter here or there for her birthday to maintain a friendship would be nice unless she explicedly requests for you not to, but she has chosen for you to not be her man. You have to accept that. Just like she had to accept that you made a choice to do something illegal knowing that the chance was there to potentially take you away from her for a long time to maybe forever, yet you chose that over her regardless. How was she supposed to feel?

Grand gestures to “Win her back” are probably not worth it. She’s moved on. She’s allowed to make her choices, just as you made yours. Save your big moves for a new girl who you can form a new solid relationship with from the start. And this time, choose her always. ALWAYS chose the girl over the stupidity that could take you away from the girl. Then neither of you will be stuck in a situation where this kind of decision has to be made.

Anyways, that’s just my opinion.

In the mean time, I’m not sure how I feel knowing I’m slowly becoming the prison therapist.

Unless there’s a salary connected to it?

-Drake & Lil Baby / Yes Indeed-

 

We Don’t Say How We Feel And I Feel Like This Is What Got Us In The Debacle We’re In

She was set free10 Comments

I remember Kindergarten.

Correction. I remember exactly one lunch recess where I was playing tag and pushed a boy off some wooden play structure. He ended up breaking his arm… my bad. But I distinctly remember when my red curly-haired teacher who was on supervision carried him from the playground to the office and it was in that moment I thought she was the strongest person I knew and I decided I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. I was in awe that someone carried a kid my age, because I obviously didn’t get held much at home anymore, but also that a relative stranger would so easily embrace someone else’s child. I never thought it was possible, yet I thought it was so beautiful.

Things have changed by now. Oh I went after high school and started University to get my teaching degree. But I sucked at it. Actually I just no longer cared. I skipped 60% of my classes and didn’t turn in a single assignment. I was put on academic probation my first year (which I told my mom was due to my seizures, actually she pretty much thought that up all on her own and I just went with it). Part of that was maybe true, but more honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it. I was only doing it because I felt it was “the right thing” Not the right thing as in it felt right, but the right thing as in I’d been telling everyone I wanted to be a teacher ever since I was like 6 years old so I’d only be lying to myself if I changed it after so long.

But is it fair to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life when you’re a child? And then to be held to that standard because “Oh you’d be such a good teacher” and “well you’ve always wanted to be a teacher” were phrases you’d been hearing for the better part of a dozen years? Only to realize 3/4 of the way through my degree, that I would be a terrible teacher.

I would be fine if it actually came down to it, I mean I could do anything, let’s be honest. But I just really, really, really didn’t want to do it anymore. So here I was 3 years out of a 4 year degree under my belt, that had taken me about 6 years to get this far, between saving for school and marriage and travel etc, and I decided I was done trying.

Probably for the best.

All those little kids are better off with all those kind, caring, thoughtful teachers anyways.

So I quit. It may have seemed like marriage was the issue. Or becoming a mom was the reason. And it was a major reason. A major excuse in the very least. Once I had my own kids I became more honest with myself in that I really didn’t want to teach other kids all day and then come home and still have more left of me to give to my own kids. I think I was looking for a reason to quit and my kids and my life situation in leaving E gave me that. It gave me a reason to start fresh.

It gave me a chance to start school again. And find a career that makes good money yeah, but I’m still not feeling fulfilled.

It’s hard to take risks when I have two little kids depending on me. Not that I know what risk I would take if I could, but I’m just saying I kinda feel like I’m in the same rut I was in after high school. I’m just doing what I’m doing because it was what was “best” for me. It seemed “smartest”. It seemed like the “right” move. But I don’t know if I’m being authentically C.

I don’t feel happy.

I feel like this life was chosen for me when I was a child and I’m just going along with the flow. But I don’t want to anymore.

If I was more honest. More true to me, I would say I want to travel. I want to write. Books. Music for others. I want to remain nameless. I never want to be famous. I want to be happy. I don’t want to work under anyone, but I want to have freedom in my expression. But I’m scared. Because those steps don’t seem easy. The steps to be that person haven’t been planned out since I was a kid so I don’t know how to start it now. It doesn’t seem like “the Plan”

So I’m nervous and scared.

Lazy and very unsure of what to do to become the person I think is the true C.

Because I’ve never been her before. So what if I fail?

What if the steps I take are wrong and instead of becoming a more successful version of me, I fail and therefore I’m further back than I am now? I’m not that person. I don’t take those risks. I’m the type of person who follows plans I made when I was 6…. just because plans are plans, and I don’t know how to deviate from that.

What if I make new plans and become even more unlovable than I am now?

That’s my greatest fear.

To make new plans that fuck up my life even more than it already is. Because I’m barely holding on as is.

Eminem/Stepping Stone

We Need To Take It Back In Time When Music Made Us All Unite Money Can’t Buy Us Happiness Can We All Slow Down And Enjoy Right Now

She was set free5 Comments

Lately I’ve been wondering how people gather enough courage to run off and start a new life.

Legitimate question in my mind. I figure now would be as good a time if any to run away, and I’m just done with my life as is. So, that being said, how do people gather the strength to just leave everything and start fresh somewhere new.

My house has been sold and so I have to pack up and be out by April 10th anyways. I had to buy a new car on Friday (which is a whole other post), I’ve just become too frustrated with literally everything going on with attempting to purchase a new house in Kelowna, that I’m not even interested in moving anymore. I’ve made offers on three different houses that have been outbid and they ended up accepting CASH offers that went way over original asking price. So I honestly feel I didn’t even have a fighting chance. My boss is acting like I’m not trying, asking what I could’ve done differently, and what’s my plan “little missus” UMMM first off, don’t ever fucken call me little missus. Second, I know the fucken deadline, I know my damn budget and I realize we are supposed to be moving in 3 months. It’s not my fault I don’ walk around with $350,000+ CASH in my bank account so my offers have to have a “conditional to financing” in them…. like most normal peoples do. Agh, I’m just over it. Like I want to walk into work and quit. But now my house is sold, most my pocket cash went into buying a good car, so that it wouldn’t be an issue for years to come, and so I have to keep this job for now.

Of course there are so many other factors contributing to this thought train, but I’d honestly like to know, what kind of pre-planning goes into a situation like this? Where you feel like nothing is fucking worth it anymore/you’ve failed at it all, and a new start with 100% new people sounds delightful, but terrifying at the same time.

Pretty much the only thing stopping me at this point, and obviously the most important part,  is the fact that I obviously don’t know where I’d go, and therefore I don’t have a job. If I had a mobile source of income, some online business etc, I’d be out like there was no tomorrow, but since I have kids to support I can’t just be taking off with them with no plan on how I’d be buying groceries in a month, or their education etc.

But the idea of starting over. New. Clean. Mistake free.

Sounds delightful.

But for now, I’ll just have to suck it up, realize that I’ve fucked up, other people have fucked up, and money is far more important than it should be.

-Jessie J/ Price Tag-