Take Me To Church I’ll Worship Like A Dog At The Shrine Of Your Lies

So after K got sent back, I had a little falling out with my mother. I was emotional and needed someone to talk to and you’d think by now I’d have learned that that person should never be my judgmental mom but deep down inside I still want to have a open and good relationship with her. So I try and take steps towards that… steps that include telling her some aspects of my life others may keep to themselves. On one hand it’s a fine line because my mother asks too many personal questions as it is and gets to involved anyways, so I have to make sure she understands that I’m a grown woman and some parts of my life are none of her business, while on the other hand, I do want her advice on certain things, since yes she has a few years on me and experience is always a welcome point of view.

But the thing with my mom is, she gets terribly offended if you don’t share every detail with her and if you don’t DO everything how she would’ve done it, or how she advised you too… which therefore leads me to just not share those parts of my life with her in the first place. Kinda like a “what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her” type thing.

Don’t get it twisted, she knows I get high like every night and thinks it’s a great and natural way to handle my epilepsy. She knows about my past with men and… well she thinks it’s in the past, because I just don’t feel the need to discuss every sexual partner I’ve had with my mother. She knows about the rape and the issues with E. Like she knows pretty much everything, but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with her.

So when K was sent back, and I really needed someone to talk to, I will never for the life of me figure out why I felt like calling up my mom instead of any one of my girlfriends who knew about K already. Or one of my coworkers who saw flowers get delivered from him on my birthday. Or my sister N who met him when we walked over to her place one night. Or anyone else on the planet apart from my MOTHER. But no. Somewhere deep inside caused me to call my mom. Because I was missing a guy.

I can’t remember how the conversation went, because it didn’t go well. I was just looking for someone to tell me it would be ok, and basically my mom was not in a position to do that. She was mad at me because I hadn’t told her about K sooner. I tried explaining that K and I weren’t together/dating officially or whatever, and so there was nothing to say. I don’t feel the need to run every friend past my parents for approval. It’s not like I was keeping secrets. Then she pulled the whole ‘You’re still married’ card out on me. Yes, officially, I am still married. Since my divorce has taken over 3 years, and is still not finalized then, yes I am still married. So your right. I guess I am formally a ‘heathen’ for that. Which lead her to asking why do I even go to church still. So I thought about how I would tell her in the simplest way, without hurting her feelings too much.

I don’t really believe in God. That’s not true. Well it is, but…  Ah, I believe there’s a being out there. A fantastic divine being that has somehow orchestrated this world. But I don’t believe it’s the god that’s discussed and portrayed in the bible at most churches. So, yes. Until that call with my mom I attended church and it was fine. But mostly it was to instill certain values and morals into my children from a young age that are taught at the church. Like the fruits of the spirit, patience, self control, joy etc. Also, then my kids could see my parents once a week, as well as play with other kids.

Well let me tell you, that went over like a led balloon, and my mother was like ‘don’t bother coming if that’s why’ I know very Christian of her lol… but needless to say, the last two Sundays the kids and I have chilled at home because of this and it’s been very nice. Then this morning my Dad texted to see if we were going to church. I said no, so he asked if he could take the kids. Sure why not I figured. Even though I know my mom probably put him up to it, my dad is just trying to stay out of the drama and be neutral. He’s the least likely person I know to start an argument, mainly because that would cut into his TV time and heaven forbid that ever happens! But anyways, he showed up this morning with a coffee for me and picked up the kids and said he would drop them off after lunch. He made no comments about how I should be going to church or anything about K. He just lets grown people live their lives. Something my mom is having issues with.

My mom thinks I should only date one man who I plan on marrying, and only once my divorce is done. I’m like how will I know I want to marry them until I try dating them? Oh she also thinks that I should have to introduce him to my parents within like the first week of meeting him, but that my kids shouldn’t meet him until we’re practically married. Yes I’m almost 30 but she feels the need to intrude on my sex/relationship life with her ‘advice’. She was so offended by my secret keeping because apparently she thought this whole time I’ve been living on my own, I was… I dunno celibate or something? And I guess her finding out I’d been hanging out with someone for almost a year messed with her. Why it affects her life so much I’ll never get.

I could understand if she was offended that I didn’t tell her I had a boyfriend, or was officially dating someone, but I wasn’t. I was messing around with K and a bunch of other guys. And I didn’t think she needed to know every time I took my pants off. But it’s just like the last little while before K went back things changed between us… things were said… feeling became… deeper for a lack of a better word, and that’s why I was so emotional about it, and needed someone to talk it out with.

99% my fault for choosing my mom and disturbing the balance of our relationship. 1% her fault for assuming I would tell her all those personal details that she doesn’t need to know about anyone besides her and my dad.

Either way, I have an unexpected kid free morning, and I’m liking it!


-Hozier/Take Me To Church-

No Matter What I Do, I’m No Good Without You 

Ahhhh, W. Many of you have asked me about W, and what happened to such a nice guy… why I let him get away. The fact is I never let him go, he was taken from me.

We met one night while I was out dancing with the girls after work. It was an impromptu thing and I was still dressed in my work clothes (black pants and white button up shirt, think server style 😒 mmm attractive hey?) and just wanted a night of fun. So a bunch of us headed to a club, as per usual. And there he was. We caught each other’s eye across the dance floor a couple times, he was with his guys and me with my group of friends. But within about 15-20 minutes he had made his way next to me and we danced for 2-3 hours straight. And that was it. We just danced. My all time favorite thing to do. He was good at it, I’m good at it (humble brag lol) and we just meshed together so well. We took a couple breaks to chill with our individual groups of friends that we came with, but we continued to find each other on the dance floor throughout the night. Until I had to leave. I was the designated driver like always, since I don’t really drink and had to get some friends home, so in a Cinderella type fashion I told him thanks for the night and that I had fun, and left without another word.

Well I guess that wasn’t enough for him. He started asking around within my group of friends remaining for my name and number, and I received a voicemail at work the very next morning. Swoon.

I was a little wary at first since he was almost a decade older then me, and I literally knew nothing about him other than his dancing skills, but I agreed to meet him for coffee later that week when we both had time and we hit it off amazingly. He was smart, kind, attractive, sensitive yet strong, always made me laugh, and made me feel like a queen 24/7. We went out the next night again to the movies and played some pool then to his place.

We spent every weekend on the same dance floor where we first met, and over the months our routine was pretty much guaranteed. Movies, dancing til close, back to his place, sleep, off to work, then repeat. I slowly started spending more nights at his place until I pretty much only went back to my place to pay rent and grab a change of clothes.

W was a very dedicated man who knew what he believed in. We debated often with passion, but we never argued. He knew my weaknesses and never exploited them. He knew what made me laugh and took joy in seeing me smile. He cared for me after I was raped, and even though I knew he wanted to exact his own revenge, he respected my wishes in how I wanted the situation handled.

I think he’s the only man who’s ever truly loved me.

And then he was murdered.

W was walking home from the club downtown one night while I was working late when there was a drive by shooting. W was an innocent bystander who was shot and died on the scene.

W had no family here since he had immigrated on his own years ago, so I was left dealing with funeral arrangements. I was now 20 years old and my boyfriend had just been killed at only 29 years old. I had been raped less then 4 months ago and now this.

I was overwhelmed to say the least. That’s when, after a few months after W passed away, I started sleeping around out of… well basically hatred of the world, however little that makes sense.

I felt like I had already had my happily ever after and no one would ever compare to W. So I started one night stand after another. After another. And another. And that’s when I met E. After however many men (I stopped counting, because I stopped caring) I met E, and pretty much threw in the towel.

Also explains why I’m not at all a fan of violence, although I don’t think that needs to be explained. Innocent people are hurt or killed all the time, and they leave behind loved ones. And maybe they aren’t innocent, maybe for some reason they were involved in some sort of shit. I still don’t think violence, of any kind, be it guns or fists or anything, is the answer to any of life’s problems. I think if you can’t figure out how to solve your issues with your mind/words, then your shouldn’t be fighting. You obviously don’t have the strength it will take to win.


-Rihanna/Love on the Brain-