I Wish I Could Be Every Little Thing You Wanted All The Time

Last night Z nearly broke my heart.

I was washing her hair, which could be considered a full time job, although we do it on average once a week if I’ve had enough coffee and sleep, when she made the comment that she doesn’t like her hair and wished it was like all her friends hair, which is in her words ‘smooth’.

Z has the most fantastic Afro, which I’ll admit at first I didn’t at first know the first thing about dealing with for obvious reasons, the main being I never had hair like that so why bother learning right? But over the years as her hair grew I realized it was getting more curly and thick and I would need more insight on how to care for her crowning glory to do it full justice, I started researching what the better quality products would be to use. I learned all about a wash n go and wet plopping and deep conditioning which to be honest were all very helpful for my hair as well since I also have curly hair, although not to the extent of Z’s 3c/4a curls. I learned not to use drug store brands that contain sulphates and other harmful chemicals that will further dry her hair out. I learned how to trim her hair myself to maintain it and get rid of dry, split ends on my own without spending a fortune on a hairdresser. I will admit though that I still cannot plait her hair, but I have learned twist outs and how to lay her edges so I’ll just take that as a win for now. One step at a time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But when she was upset last night because her hair wasn’t ‘smooth’ like all her friends at school my heart fell into my gut. I can only be so much of a roll model for her in this area. I wear my hair as big, full and curly as possible, because I honestly feel the bigger the better, and I truly think natural hair is better. I’ve straightened my hair maybe once a year since finding out all this information about hair for Z. Little E wears his hair pretty close cut because he just has no interest in keeping a style and prefers it practically shaved, and even when he does grow it out, it’s not as curly as Z’s, it’s more of a thick bigger curl. Her dad maintains a bald head although they don’t see him often (as my regular readers know 3 visits when we went back at Christmas and before that it was February last year). So I guess my point with all these “examples ” is that she has no natural hair role models as far as her hair texture. I’ve shown her on places like instagram woman with beautiful hair like hers and how they wear it even bigger than hers. For reference, her fro averages between 6-10 inches but I don’t fluff it out on the bigger side often. She prefers to style it pushed back with a headband or with a few clips or two pigtail afropuffs. Which is for the best because those are the only ones I can pull off half decently.

Anyways this is a very roundabout way of saying I hurt for her. I want her to be proud of every part of her, but this is a way I can’t directly be a role model for her. Yes, I can wear my hair naturally and I do, but her hair is distinctively different, not only from mine, but from the streets of Kelowna and even where we were before and heck even in a Kenya because of the mix, and others notice. I think it’s fantastic and beautiful and many others do as well. We constantly receive compliments while out about how nice her hair is of which I reminded her last night. I told her that her hair is original and beautiful and she should never want to change who or how she is. I was detangling it and showed her how long it was while wet and stretched out and she was so impressed, since it reaches to her elbows. So after the bath, I did one long braid for her down her back and she was much happier and kept mentioning how long and smooth it looked. Albeit it only lasted about 15 minutes until it was completely dry and shrunk up to her neck but it made her happy in that moment.

I’m just wondering how to move forward from here. I’m WELL aware that my kids should have strong black role models in their life, but if there aren’t any around… I can’t just produce them out of thin air.

My in laws are not an option, her dad is out of the question. The black community in Kelowna is to be honest practically nonexistent (trust me, I’ve looked). But I know that it will be something they need to become the fullest version of themselves they can be.

I guess that’s the most frustrating aspect of this experience. Knowing I can be the best mom I can possibly be. I can make all the healthy lunches and arrange all the play dates and study up on all the hair care and do all the sex talks, to name a few examples, but facts are facts, and facts in my situation is that my kids are half black, there’s no denying that, and I would never want to. And that culture is not something I can provide them, and they desperately need it.

It makes me feel so inadequate.

Knowing no matter what, I’ll never be enough. And I can’t do it on my own.

And what’s worse it that the right people are not offering to help.

***update***

Just stopped at Walmart and saw this ironic and timely display showing Robert Munschs books on display

All had been picked through except the braids book (which Z owns). It’s a book about a girl with hair like Z’s and how she doesn’t like to have it braided since it takes a while and hurts. Etc. But anyways it’s literally just shows how no one in Kelowna has that culture in their life nor is trying to pass it on to future generations here and I’m on my own with my kids. 😑

*Z with morning bed head for reference*


-Dishwalla / Every Little Thing –

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I Guess There’s Certain Dreams That You Gotta Keep ‘Cause They Only Know What You Let ‘Em See / They Don’t Care Like I Do Nowhere Like I Do

Google can suck my non-existent dick after they’ve shoved it up their ass.

How’s that for sexual content?

A little while ago I monetized my site with Google Adsense. I figured it’s here, you’re here, Google ad’s are there. Why not connect them all on my site for an opportunity to make a few extra dollars a month? Logical right.

So I spent pretty much a whole Saturday afternoon trying to figure out how to change the coding here on my wordpress site to allow the ads to display semi-decently, something I’m sure would’ve taken someone with experience 3 minutes. But I’m not experienced so I struggled with it and after a few hours persevered.  Then I waited while Google took over a week to approve my site (meanwhile it says it will take only a day or so to do it). I finally emailed once to see what was up, and magically it was approved later that Friday go figure. I watched over that first weekend as nothing happened on Friday, no change on Saturday, but when I woke up on Sunday to check my stats, I saw the most beautiful thing.

You my readers throughout the world had viewed ads enough times to earn me $2.94.

And I cried. Honest to goodness tears of joy. Not even three dollars but it was the most valuable 3 dollars I had ever earned.

I set this site up almost 2 years ago. On a computer that I bought with my own money. I created the name and content with my own brilliance and suffering. The blogs are FILLED with my own spelling and grammar errors, but more importantly my life. I have NO BOSS in this endeavor. It wasn’t a job that paid me. It was my outlet and in some cases my savior.  This brought me joy and relief and satisfaction because it was all mine from start to $2.94 finish. And now, in that $2.94 I saw potential for freedom from much more.

Then a few days after I got an email  from Google stating they would not be allowing ad’s on my site until I complied with their terms. The item in question? Sexual content. The post they were referring to? My sex talk with Little E.

Seriously Google?

You think an educational talk that a mother is sharing with her child is dangerous and offensive sexual content?

I FIND THAT OFFENSIVE!!!

That you think you can sensor me and my parenting. Was I sharing pornographic videos to my child to teach him about the birds and the bees? NO. Did I link those videos here? Even more no! So, for you (Google) to yank my ads and therefore my money making abilities here, because I choose to be a good involved parent, is so much of what’s wrong with the world. You want children to be ignorant? You want parents to be afraid of speaking about these things to their own offspring? Well that’s not me.

I will not pull my post for you. I will not amend it in any way to bend to your sexual content codes. I will continue to teach my son and soon my daughter when she’s old enough (so you can expect another raunchy extreme x-rated sex filled according to Google post then) because I am a good parent, and my kids will be advised, aware, conscious, caring, loving SEXUAL humans.

So keep your money Google.

It wasn’t as valuable as my children’s lives anyways.


-Khalid Ft. Kane Brown/Saturday Nights-

Don’t Believe The Lies They Feed You

Oh Kay.

So as I’m sure some of you in the western hemisphere have heard if you keep up on stupid random celebrity gossip, Ellen Page (of Juno fame, and maybe some other stuff not too sure, but that’s just my favorite movie of her’s and probably up on my top 20 favorite movie list of all time so check it out of you haven’t already) made a twitter comment about how Chris Pratt attends a church that “is infamously anti lgbtq.” Her exact words.

Now as far as I’m aware (not that I did much research, but let’s be honest), Ellen didn’t make any effort to attend Chris’s church and get booted to the curb. Nor did she call them and ask for a detailed list of their rules and how the attendees choose to live their lives etc. She just felt for some reason, that Chris at this time, deserved a kick to the balls regarding how he chooses to live his life and the choices he makes with his faith and how he spends his Sunday.

Chris hadn’t mocked or spit upon Ellen in particular or the LGBTQ community stating the church made him do it or something like that which would draw the ire of Ellens tweet. He never had an issue with how they choose to live their lives.

Is the fact true? That his church does not promote that lifestyle? Yes. But does that mean they go about bashing it as Ellen has chosen to do to Chris? No.

They make their own choice to gather and celebrate weekly/whenever they decide and enjoy same thought patterns as other like-minded individuals in a community setting. The LGBTQ community? Does very much the same. Gay/lesbian bars, pride parades etc. If both communities could continue to gather with like minded people in places that they have deemed bring them joy, I don’t see the need for people like Ellen to have to instigate an argument. Yes I know this unfortunately happens on a much larger scale much to often, but I’m using this celebrity example because, well more people know about it so it’s more relatable.

There will never be a world where everyone feels/thinks/sees things the exact same way as you. But in a circumstance where a group of individuals is living with their choices peacefully and is not forcing that thought on others, can’t we just leave them well enough alone? They are not forcing Ellen to come to church every week. They are not forcing her to  get baptized. In the past have churches over stepped their boundaries? Of course. But for Ellen to possibly take those memories and project them on this situation has caused her to be the instigator. And this can work vice versa. The LGTBQ community is not suggesting everyone “become” LGTBQ, forcing them into unwanted sexual acts or something ridiculous.

Everyone has made their OWN choices. They don’t need to be justified or explained to others. If we continue to allow that, we will only perpetuate the cycle of hate that will never stop.

We must allow each individual to have their own thoughts and choices, while at the same time understanding that when the expression of your will has overcrowded on another persons chance to be who they want to be, you have become a hindrance to their destiny.

So ask yourself, is that something you want on your conscience?

And even more important than that, are the choices you’re making, the ones you deep down want to make? Or have you already in some way been influenced to present something else to the world? It’s never to late to express what YOU want to show the world. Not what you’ve been told to show.


-Bazzi/Beautiful-

It’s Beauty In The Struggle, Ugliness In The Success Hear My Words Or Listen To My Signal Of Distress

My sister N and her husband D had their first baby yesterday.

A cute little girl with a massive mouth the size of N’s…. but I didn’t say that… out loud. That’s the thing about newborns. They really aren’t that cute. Oh of course everyone says they’re adorable, and they are! New life and all that good stuff is amazing. But they are also butt ugly. Eyes too big for their heads, swollen lips and genitals from being pushed through the birth canal. You really can’t fault them for not being able to put their best foot forward when they literally have no choice but come head first. (Oh my god I’m so clever lol) But we as a ‘nice polite society’ have taken it upon ourselves to be overly kind and say each and every baby is beautiful and adorable, just to not hurt feelings. Whatever. Point is, they don’t stay that way forever and for the most part turn our adorable anyways.

My kids were AWFUL  looking, like fricken toads slash chubby sumo wrestlers and now I’ll be honest and say they’re gonna go on and break hearts one day. Things change. No big deal. I think it was worse trying to agree with someone when they would comment on my newborn as they were saying something like “oh he’s so cute” knowing deep down myself that he looked like a turd by society’s standards, because I knew it didn’t matter. I knew I loved him, and I know looks are only skin deep. So why can’t we be honest if someone is not that attractive? Like why do we have to go to such great lengths that we lie about it?  If you don’t think they are cute, I’m not saying call it out and say they look ugly, because that’s only your opinion. But I’m thinking you don’t have to lie about it just to go along with the crowd and do what’s always been done, kinda in a save face sort of way. It is possible to just keep your mouth shut and carry on with your day. I’m jus sayin’.

Anyways, my sister is so happy that the baby came early, since she wasn’t due until Friday June 29th, which is the day after we leave for Kelowna, so she’s glad we get to meet baby F at our going away dinner tomorrow night.

Since these are our last few days here, I have so much to do, which is why I’m 100% procrastinating and blogging instead. It gets to the point where I plan it all in my head, then put it off and put it off, and then at the last-minute work really hard under pressure. At least that’s how I hope it goes this time lol. Either that or it’ll be a chaotic mess and I’ll end up running around like a chicken with my head cut off, but so far the former has worked for me.

“Kon Marieing ” my life has made this move so much easier. I don’t have a lot of useless shit to pack. Plus we’ve been living at my parents house since April when my house sold and basically have just our one suitcase each, so that’s all I have to worry about packing this time around.

Last week I made the final “installment” if you will on my house deposit and paid all the lawyer fees etc. I’ve decided to leave Thursday after work and drive part way, then stay at a hotel for one night before doing the other half of the drive on Friday. Originally I was going to do it all in one shot, but I figured it’ll just be easier on the kids to do only about 8 hours on Friday… we’ll see. Then we’ll stay at my Aunt’s in Kelowna on Friday night and meet my realtor on Saturday at the new house for the keys. I arranged for our storage bin to be dropped off on Friday so we have the whole long weekend to unpack and get settled. Oh shit I just remembered I still have to set up utilities. Add another thing to the ever growing to-do list. Next Monday the kids will go see the daycare they’ll be at for the summer and get a quick tour, and then Tuesday I’m back at work. And that will be that. Seems like a plan, but we’ll see what else life throws at me between now and then.

Whatever happens I plan on blogging more regularly once I’m there.

Living with my parental unit has not been the most enjoyable thing and I’ve just had everything in my life rearranged. But hopefully things will get more settled soon and I’ll be back to me, but a newer improved version of me.

So, I figure that’s enough wasting time, and I should go and get some of my stuff prepped… like utilities for example lol.

Til next time, which might be from our new home, C.


-J. Cole/ Love Yourz-

‘Cause People Got Me, Got Me Questioning Where’s The Love

This post is inspired by a blog I unfortunately didn’t read, but briefly glanced over the title a few days ago, and it’s stuck with me. The title read something along the lines of “I’m not a vacation destination for you” or something like that. At least that’s how I carried it with me. That line made such an impact in my head… mostly, because I have allowed so many people to make “stops” in my life, take what they need, and move on.

They come for a quick “visit” or “jaunt” if you will, without any regard for my feelings or emotions, and then continue on their merry way after they’ve taken what they need. Sometimes on their own, sometimes with a nudge from yours truly. But not of course before stopping in the souvenir shop of my heart and/or head and taking little pieces for themselves, with no regard for what’s left or what they replace in the gaping hole they’ve left.

So I’ll tell you what it’s been replaced with. Nothing. That’s why I have chunks from my emotional psyche missing. I went this morning to gather a little physical evidence of people who have come into my life for a while, taken what they needed, or could, and when they couldn’t take any more, I had to actually remove them.

number pic

This is just what would fit on one screen, of people I’ve had to block from my life, because they came in, and I felt used by them (for good reason… the feeling, not the using), so I separated myself from them to block the negative energy. I’m not going to sit around and allow individuals to take from me, without receiving anything in return.

Friendship, or any kind of relationship, should be a two-way street. Does this mean I have limited people I can rely on? Obviously. But I’d much rather have small numbers of dependable people who I know are there for me just as much as I’m there for them, than thousands or even hundreds of fake “friends” who are only there when they need something from you.

I feel like this has become a “trend” in the world lately. This is where abusive relationships come from. Where do people get off thinking it’s okay to use other HUMAN BEINGS for their own gain? Why don’t people understand that everyone has emotions. Everyone is capable of getting hurt. Why can’t individuals understand that we are dealing with other people who have real thoughts and feelings. Feelings that can be broken.

It’s not our right or place to damage anyone’s feelings/emotions/thoughts. Seriously! Who have people grown to think they are, that they have the right to walk into someone else’s life, and take what isn’t theirs by way of time, emotion and feelings, without regard to what effect it will have when they leave, or treat those situations insensitively.

I’m just sick and tired of society feeling like we aren’t responsible for each other. We are. We are responsible for every interaction we have with every other human ever. 

What right do you have to tell someone you don’t like some physical feature on their body, no matter what it is? None.

What good is it to put someone down? None. If that’s the only joy you get in this world, you need to do some inner soul searching.

How in the world does it help anyone to flaunt your wealth if you don’t plan on sharing? It doesn’t.

What good is it to walk around with a scowl on your face? Nada.

Every time we talk to, or look at, another person, we leave some sort of impact. I’m just suggesting we try and leave a more positive one. Quit stealing from their hypothetical souvenir shop.

Trust me, it’s draining.


-The Black Eyed Peas/Where Is The Love-