Callin It Quits Now Baby I’m A Wreck

2019.

Here I am.

Taken me a while to…. not necessarily find the time to do this recap of the last year of my life, but more specifically find the desire to share what I’ve accomplished and overcome as well as my shortcomings in 2018.

So where to start.

I guess the most obvious place would be the easiest.

I moved. I uprooted my family and moved 900 plus kilometres away to resettle once again, for hopefully the last time. So far I’ve enjoyed the new place. The house specifically I’m not a fan of, but the city is good and the lifestyle is good. The kids have made good friends and are enjoying it here. So I count that as a win.

I lost 50 pounds and then regained 25. So obviously that’s not exciting for anyone who’s interested in getting more fit and not as fat, but it is what it is. And since I can’t hide 25 pounds I might as well just say it like it is, and what it is is crappy. I did start the year with a water fast and lost the 4-5 pounds that I gained over the holidays at my parents but now I’m just back to my plus 25. And really just couldn’t care at this point. No ones looking at my body but me and I’m used to it so it’s not at the top of my priority list right now.

I reached over 1600 followers on this blog, for which I’m really thankful for. I don’t right often now because my minds in a messed up place but I try and keep it real and hope that y’all can appreciate that the way I’m thankful you take you time to read about my life. It still blows my mind that anyone would be interested in someone else’s story, but it helps me continue to write knowing there’s a few of you out there who find it interesting enough.

I turned 31. All alone without leaving my house or blowing out a candle or opening a gift and realized birthdays are a sham.

I finally got divorced. Again all alone, but it was a somewhat momentous occasion for me as it had been years in the making and when it finally came it was a weight off. I won sole custody (duh) and it’s just good to know that won’t drag on forever.

I stopped fucking around. To most of you that’s not a big deal, but for me, who used guys and let guys use me, it’s phenomenal. I haven’t had sex in too long and see none on the horizons but I’m somewhat ok with that. It just wasn’t as valuable to me as it used to be, and no longer brought me any joy whatsoever. So I stopped messing around. It’s like a double edged sword, but I think it’s best for me, both for now and probably long term.

I realized I don’t really like my job. I mean it’s fine and all, but definitely not something I’ll want to do long term. I’ve been doing some soul searching as to what steps I could take and what direction I want to take my life, but my dilemma right now is that I can’t feasibly get an entry level job in the genre I’m considering that’s anything close to what I make now. So I’ll just wait it out right now.

Other than that…. I’m still the same old C.

Divorced, overweight, mom of two. Working only to pay the bills, and chilling at night alone.

Do I have goals for the upcoming year? Not in particular. I know me. I know when I set goals, I never achieve them, I have no self discipline to follow through. But if I end up just doing something in the spur of the moment, then damn I’m so proud of myself instead of being disappointed for not doing something.

2018 in the bag. Whatever that means.

2019…. I’m not looking forward to you, but to be honest I’m not looking forward to anything these days.

-Subflower/ Post Malone & Swae Lee-

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My Mind Runs Wild To Comprehend What No Mind On Earth Could Understand

1,652 days from the day I got married and the day I decided to leave E. (Better than 72 days but still not impressive by any means)

1,762 days from the day I left and started this whole divorce process until yesterday, the day I got that email I thought would never come saying:

Divorce

In blue writing, emoji’s and all (yeah… millennials lol).  My divorce took 110 day longer than my entire marriage lasted.

Anyways, I was at work when the long awaited news, and I can honestly say I got overwhelmed. I experienced more emotion in that single moment then I did on my wedding day, or either day I gave birth. I had to leave work right away because I was tearing up so I sent a quick imessage to my boss and J saying I received a personal message and would be back in an hour, and left without waiting for a reply

I couldn’t even make it to my car. I, Me, C, stopped and had to sit in the stairwell to cry. Until this moment I thought people who did crap like that were just overly dramatic, like for real get your shit together. Until I couldn’t even form thoughts coherent enough to get one foot in front of the other and be confident I wouldn’t fall down the stairs. So I dropped. And sobbed. Until I heard the door above me open and thought my coworker or A had followed me out to make sure I was ok and so I rushed down the stairs to my car. Thankfully it was just another patron of the building, probably wondering what the hell was going on in the stairs lol. By the time I had gotten to my car, I had pulled myself together a bit and decided to drive down the block on the off chance anyone from work did walk out to check on me.

I parked a little ways away and the need to tell someone washed over me. It was like this was a milestone that needed to be observed and when that happens it should be noted by others, at least I thought so. So I called my mom. Wasn’t really my first choice, but it was my option in the moment. I asked if she was busy or if she had a moment to talk, and since I don’t call often ever during the day she said she was just leaving the neighbours house, but go ahead. So I let her know that my divorce was final and to be honest I can’t remember how she responded, since I was trying to suppress tears that were threatening to rise again.

She asked if she could tell the neighbour, who I grew up with and know very well, which I was fine with and she passed along the news, and then as she walked out the door she asked me how I felt about it.

Which I thought was weird. I kinda assumed everyone else would assume I would feel great about it, so the question would be unnecessary, and never asked of me. But when she asked, I realized, I didn’t feel great.

I felt like I had given up hope. I felt like this was something I’d resigned to the fact of never coming to fulfillment. I felt like E had won this forever since everything kept going his way even though his way was ridiculous. I felt like this battle had already been lost and why bother fighting anymore. So I had stopped a long time ago to preserve myself and my sanity.

And now to have it dropped in my lap…. A victory as such? I honestly didn’t know how to feel because I hadn’t prepared for it in anyway. I had only prepared for the opposite. In every way shape and form I had settled on the fact that this divorce was going to take the rest of my life and I would be stuck with E in this way forever. Caught in limbo, with each turn becoming a dead end. With each path I pursued leading me to more desolation. It no longer occurred to me that there could still be a finish line, let alone one that brought me such a decent outcome being sole custody and child support, which may not seem like much to you, but after all this time its everything to myself and the kids.

So to be shocked with this. This end. This end that provided me with something I had not planned for, was almost frightening. An end that set me free from E?

I don’t know how I feel. But I know I will know be able to spend the rest of my life discovering the new me because of it.

The new feelings and new emotions that this freedom has brought.

Because now, after many long long years, I feel I have truly lost my chains.

I, C… She has been set free. From my paranoid schizophrenic physically, mentally and emotionally abusive husband yes, but from so much more.

Where this freedom takes me is COMPLETELY up to me and only me.


-Hillsong United/Here Now (Madness)-

Will You Remember Me? Don’t Let Your Life Pass You By, Weep Not For The Memories Remember The Good Times That We Had

Thanksgiving has come and gone here in Canada.

My parents came in for the weekend, flying in on Saturday and left on Monday. It was a short and sweet visit, made better by the fact that we managed to keep it a surprise from the kids until the very moment we spotted them at the airport.

I told Little E and Z we had to go pick up a “special package” and had them guessing the whole trip out to the airport. My Dad FaceTimed the kids while I was pulling up to the arrivals gate and Little E was chatting on the phone with him, telling him all about the package we were going to pick up from the airport when my Dad knocked on the car door. The look on the kids faces was priceless as they both called out his name. They were beyond happy and shocked as they jumped out and gave massive hugs all around. It was perfect.

From the airport I took my parents to two different winerys to do a few wine tastings, you know, since I live in wine country. While we were there I took some beautiful pictures of them with the kids since we don’t have these opportunities often. Once we finally got home, Z toured my Dad around our house since he’s not yet seen it in person, making sure to point out all the irrelevant things like the toaster and the dishwasher etc, as small children are prone to do as tour guides (eye roll). Then of course we went for a nice long walk on the beach which ended with the kids showing off all their stone throwing abilities. We finished out the Saturday with an easy supper, since I’m a crappy cook, and the kids went to sleep and my parents did their Netflix thing, and that was that. Fairly simple.

The stress of the fact that my parents were visiting didn’t set in until Sunday morning. When my mom started noticing, ‘politely’ of course if that’s possible, all the things I needed to do around my yard. So off we were on a trip to Canadian Tire to buy a Edger for the grass and work gloves to pull the weeds. I’m not an outdoor person. At all. So ok. Fine. Thank you. They even bought Little E a new hockey net for him to practice with in the yard, which in theory is nice. But for some reason, it’s the way my mom does it, that makes me feel…not good enough in some way? I don’t know how to explain it. Taking me to the kitchen section saying I need a new roasting pot and it’s her treat. And how “it’s so simple to use, just throw the whole chicken in there with some veggies and onions and potatoes etc and throw it in the oven”. Mom. Thank you, but first off, there is no way my kids and I could ever eat a whole chicken before it went bad. As it is, we share one chicken breast for dinner. Secondly, I do know how to roast a damn chicken. I was married. I did manage to keep all four of us alive with beautifully cooked meals every night. It’s not that I don’t think a roast chicken would be lovely and delicious, it’s just that for the three of us, two of the “us” being kids, it would be a waste. Thirdly, when I do want to roast anything, I do have perfectly good pans at home, they just don’t have lids, so that’s what good old tin foil is for. Just because it’s not the same set up you have in your kitchen, doesn’t mean it’s sub-par.

So fine, we left the store with no roasting pan, but instead she got me a new frying pan since mine was shit. No arguing, she was not stopping, so fine a pan it was. Next, we went to the grocery store, because my mom needed TWO things for her cabbage rolls that she was bringing for the Thanksgiving dinner that night. Ok. Two things. I had brought my small reusable bag and everything, planning to buy TWO THINGS.

Well instead we went up and down basically every aisle, because according to her, my fridge was empty and I had hardly anything in my house.

OKAYYYY. Just because I don’t keep every sauce and dressing imaginable stored in my fridge, doesn’t mean I don’t have food in my house. I buy meat in bulk, and then divide it into smaller portions and keep it in the freezer. I have a huge fruit bowl that I keep on the counter that’s full of fresh fruit all the time. All the snacks, breads, canned things are in the cupboards. And the veggies are in the fridge. I don’t really see what else you need that the fridge needs to be jam packed all the time?

But that didn’t stop her from buying cereal that we already had. Peanut butter in a massive jar, which we not only already had, but I will hardly be able to ever use since the kids can’t take it to school, and bulk peanut butter cookies and chips. As well as steaks. Ok the steaks I can totally get on board with. It was delicious to fry up a steak last night in my new pan.

But there’s still the feelings of judgement. Like C your not doing good enough, so here’s how you should be living.

Especially when we got home and the four of them spent between 30-45 minutes mowing and edging the lawn which I honestly thought was fine. Oh my mom even did look for the dead rat… no longer there. Not sure if that’s good or bad news, but it is what it is.

Anyways. Deep down I totally understand that they are just trying to help and be nice, but on the other side, they were here for vacation, for their Thanksgiving and I wanted them to enjoy it. Not spend all their money and time working. But I guess it just wasn’t my choice.

Sunday afternoon they took the kids to see the new movie Smallfoot, which they said was fun, while I monitored the cabbage rolls in the oven and had a shower, and then it was off to my uncles for dinner.

Dinner was actually one of the most enjoyable family holiday dinners I can ever remember having. It was chill and relaxed and my uncle played baseball with Little E in the yard for a good half hour and Z got to help in the kitchen, which is her favorite thing to do, help. Dinner was delicious, and company was good, my kids were well behaved which always takes the stress off me. Even my Grandpa was fine. Although there were moments I felt bad for him. Yes, me. I felt sorry for my Grandpa. I just felt like at times no one was listening to him. Yes he’s getting old and maybe his stories are a little irrelevant, dosen’t mean he should be ignored. So I made a point to take some time to sit and talk with him (on the opposite side of the room). Even though I really no longer like him, I just felt like everyone deserves to be heard. Despite everything. Besides, I still can’t quite figure out if he remembers what happened or not. Either way, I keep my distance, and always monitor my kids closely around him.

After the meal, we were back at my house by maybe 8:30 and my parents watched a bit of tv while I went to bed, since I hadn’t slept well the night before. I gave my parents my room/bed and I was using Z’s, which was sooooo uncomfortable. Correction, it’s a really comfortable mattress, but I’m used to my super soft one, which is probably awful for my back, but it’s what I’m used to. Z on the other hand is 50 lbs and has hardly made a dent on hers so it was very firm, not my favorite.

Then just like that, Monday morning came and we had to leave by 10am to get to the airport in time. Let’s just say there were more than a few tears shed on Z’s behalf. I had to physically grab her off of my Mom and put her in the car while she acted like a limp rag doll, yet simultaneously crying her head off, impressive to say the least.  I just hoped no one thought I was kidnapping a child from the airport. I’ve had to many experiences with people questioning if my kids are mine or not, so I was not interested in dealing with that again. Once the kids were in the car and my parents had made their quick getaway, I noticed the tears rolling down Little E’s cheeks as well. So I knew I would need a distraction or the whole ride home I would be dealing with a hysterical Z as well as Little E crying. I pulled into the closest Timmy’s and got a few timbits for the kids and we discussed how it’s ok to be sad and have those emotions, but we also have to know how to also calm ourselves down. I reassured them that we can call Nanna and Nonno whenever we like, same as before as well as the fact that we will be going to visit them at Christmas. At least this way, we have the memories of their visit to reflect upon.

And good memories are better than none at all.


-Sarah McLachlan/I Will Remember You-

Have Old Friends And Know Our Enemies Now I-, I’m thinking Back To When I Was Young Back To The Day When I Was Falling In Love

So I got a call from prison this week. Not the prison officials themselves, but a guy on the inside.

My obvious first instinct when I heard the recording “An inmate from so and so is trying to call you press 1 to accept the call” was that it was K, and that something had happened and he was locked up again.

So I pressed 1.

Me: Hello?

Them: Hello, this is J, is this Beyonce?

Me: What? No.

Them: Oh my friend gave me this number to call to talk to Beyonce, is that you?

Now, I’m actually concerned that K is back in prison and is in bigger trouble than I first thought because he can’t even make his own phone calls, and has to somehow send some other guy to call me using the stupid nicknames that they always use.

Me: Is he OK?

Them: Yeah, yeah, he’s getting out next week. What’s your name?

Me: You’re the one who called me. What do you want? Whats your name again?

And then the call got weird, he kept asking me to describe the friend who sent him, or give my name, and I was high and didn’t want to give away anything that might possible harm K in any way especially if for some reason he couldn’t call me himself. Like why was he sending some random guy to call? Was he tryna let me know something? Anyways, the guy who by the end of the phone call had given me a second name (what is it with criminals and multiple names?) assured me the friend who gave him my number was good and was getting out next week. And then we hung up.

I was left with far more questions than answers.

Is this why K hadn’t called? What stupid thing had he done that had sent him back? Why didn’t he call me himself? Was he in seg? Did he just get in? How could he be getting out next week? If he was ok, why didn’t he call himself instead of giving my number to someone else? Why do I still care so much? Ok that one wasn’t really a question because I know I still love him, but I’m trying to move on. But all the other ones were legitimately boggling my mind.

The next day, Thursday, I got another call from the prison that helped clear things up… unfortunately.

It was the friend who had sent the first caller. And it was not K.

Most of me was instantly relieved that K was not back in. But also, I was heartbroken that K had still not reached out to me in any capacity. Pissed and emotional to be more precise.

All I could think were what are the odds that anyone else would call me from the SAME lock up that K used to be in? Once the guy on the phone tried to explain to me what happened, which apparently my number and the girl they were trying to reach… Our phone numbers were 1 digit off, and the original caller had misread 2 for 3 or something like that.

Anyways, it fucked with me.

All the chances of all this happening? The second guy, T, kept trying to dig around on the call, figure out my name and what had happened on the first call. I was just so overwhelmed with disappointment that at one point on the call I started to tear up, because I couldn’t help myself. I had imagined in my head that K had finally called. That he had finally reached out to me. That he finally cared again. Near the end of the call I used K’s prison name”G” and asked if he was in prison. Just in case. And T was like OHHH G?  I know him! I just talked to him last week! Yeah I was on the phone with my friend on the outside and G hopped on and was saying things like how he got off parole in March etc. I was like yeah I know, you don’t have to tell me. Then T goes on to describe K/G.  “He’s a black guy? Stocky, bald, chest tattoo?” And I’m like trust me you don’t need to describe him to me. At that time I’m just angry. Angry that some fucking train hasn’t run him over. Angry that he’s calling everyone but me. Angry he’s chatting up people on the phone who barely know him, but not calling me. Pissed off that his words to me mean nothing to him. Frustrated that I can’t trust anything he’s said, even though those words were all that I’ve been holding onto for months now. Which means I have nothing left.

And that’s when I started getting emotional on the phone. It’s also when the time on our call was up.

But T called back. He wanted to make sure I was ok. I explained that I had just gotten my hopes up based on how the first call yesterday went.  T was saying that if G called again he could let him know about this, and I’m like PLEASE NO! He doesn’t need to know. He has my number, I have his. We’re well acquainted. If K/G had wanted to call, he would’ve. So then T is like well do you mind if I call sometimes? This has been one of the best, most real conversations I’ve had while locked up, and you seem like a chill girl, I’d like to get to know you more.

We had talked about his girl who has a new man and he wanted to win her back, I told him to move on, since she obviously had, and she wasn’t worth it. I told him to not fuck up his next chance once he got out etc. I literally have no clue who this dude is, but he’s getting out of prison next week and sounded like he wanted a chat, and I had nothing to do at the moment, so why not. We talked about what he was in for and his plans for the future. We talked about a lot of things.

In fact to be honest, I haven’t had a half decent chat like that since K and I used to talk every night. So I told him I wouldn’t mind if he called sometimes. But at the moment I just needed to end the call because I needed to cry. A lot. He tried to talk to me and say I seemed like a really cool girl, and whatever was going on I don’t deserve. I told him that it wasn’t his issue to try to solve, and he was saying I know, but when a woman cries a man should be there for her. Which just made me feel even more emotional. So I told him thanks for the call. Don’t fuck up when you get out. And I had to hang up.

Because a man should be there for a woman when she cries. At the very least he shouldn’t be the only reason she continually cries.

What are the odds that my world continually throws K back in my face, without actually letting my face see K?


-Benny Blanco Ft. Halsey and Khalid/Eastside-

Freedom! Where Are You? Cause I Need Freedom Too! I Break Chains All By Myself Won’t Let My Freedom Rot In Hell

Things are looking up. Way up.

I honestly hardly slept at all last night, for various reasons, but the thought of the court date today was a large component in keeping me up.

I haven’t been this excited/anxious/nervous what have you, for anything in… well I honestly can’t remember anything keeping me up like this except Christmas as a little girl. Not my wedding night. Not giving birth. Like literally nothing has given me the anticipation that this day did ever.

Today at work I was hardly productive. I kept checking the time, and comparing it to the time difference to where the court date was. Calculating in my head how long should my lawyer take before I would hear from him. Would I hear from him? What if it was bad news? What if there was no new? Fuck, what if E showed up somehow and messed up everything? Like, I just couldn’t work today, my thoughts were so distracted.

Finally just after 2:00pm I got an email from my lawyer, and I didn’t read it right away. I took a minute to compose myself. Reminding myself that nothing was set in stone, and it could still go one of two ways. Well it could go any way imaginable, but not to assume it was going to go the way I wanted it to, considering things with E never have.

So then when I finally opened the email, I could’ve cried (probably not but you get my excitement level), but my boss was standing right there, so instead I read it out loud. Yeah, my boss knows way to much about my personal life, but that’s what happens when there’s only 3 of you guys in the entire company and you relocate provinces together.

Anyways, word for word, here’s the email from my lawyer.

“C.

We were successful  in obtaining an order to sever the corollary relief today. We also obtained an order giving you primary parenting and day to day decision making for the children as well as child support in the amount based on an income of $XX,XXX per year.

We are going to draft the divorce documents. We will be in touch in due course as to what needs to be done in order to finalize this.

We’re almost done!”

I. Was. So. Happy. I literally didn’t know what to do. I think I’ve re-read it 4 times since, just to make sure it’s not a dream. Yes, there’s still a little bit of work to be done, but this is more progress in one day than what’s been made in 4.5 years.

I can move without E having anything to do with it, as it should be. I can file for maintenance enforcement, and the kids can live a much better quality of life, and soon, officially, I can say I’m divorced. I feel such relief that I don’t even know how to put it into words.

And yeah, now I’ve started crying as I write this. Because that man had such a hold on my life. I felt like I couldn’t be happy, and this just feels like such a break through. I feel like I can start living now. No clue where or how to start, but I can start really living.

You guys, it’s like after over 4 YEARS of this burden, I might actually have been set free. The whole premise and reason I started this blog was to relieve the weight of E, to tell my story in my own words, and maybe find love again.

So maybe, I’m on my way.


-Beyonce ft. Kendrick Lamar/Freedom-