I Put My Feelings On Safety So I Don’t Go Shootin’ Where Your Heart Be

Those phone calls threw me for a major loop.

I’ve been doing my best in moving on from K. Settling in here in Kelowna, trying to forget. But those calls brought back all the memories I was trying to put behind me. All the pain and feelings of not being good enough. So I needed a distraction.

And therefore obviously did the stupidest thing I could have, but I called up a one nighter again.  Of course he swung by Saturday night with drinks and I did what I always do when I’m trying to avoid life, we fucked. But mid-thrust, I started crying. No joke you guys.

I started crying because this guy wasn’t K. And even worse than that, I started crying because I really truly understood in that moment that K was never coming.

K is never going to come sweep me off my feet.

K is never going to fulfill any of his promises he made to me to love me.

K is not the man I thought he was.

K can’t love me how I thought he would.

And so it hit me dead on while this dick was fucking me from behind, that I hated him. Both K and this random guy. I hated all of them. And I started bawling. So of course this guy was trying to console me because he’s obviously freaking out that the chick he’s banging is crying for no apparent reason, so he made the massive mistake of asking what was wrong? So then I just started pouring it out. ALLLL of it. Pour unfortunate soul.

Everything gushed out. How I loved this guy with everything I had, and he broke my heart and I feel I’m to broken to be loved now. And how I really honestly truly thought this guy would still keep his word and come through. For me. For my kids. For us. Because I thought he felt the same way. Because he told me he felt the same way. Because he showed me he felt the same way. So if he felt it so deeply for me, then how can he not be feeling similar to how I’ve been feeling? How can he not be hurting too? And if he was/is possibly hurting in the same way, and he knows the ball is in his court, why the fuck would he keep it there and not make a move towards making things better for both of us?

Because he must not have ever felt the same way about me.

So I need to stop imagining stupid scenarios in my head where he keeps his word.

No man has ever…… I dunno how to explain it. No man has ever just done what they said they were going to do? Stayed with me. Loved me. Been true to their word. Why should K be any different?

So I managed to stop crying enough for the random one nighter (that’s a lie, it was his second time… I had him over about 2 months ago, which is why I had his number) anyways, he’s all like, don’t think about him anymore, I’ll treat you good, etc etc. You know all the socially acceptable things you would say to a girl who broke down crying right in the throws of everything, juices dripping and all. So I just told him to wrap it up and head out the door.

I wasn’t then, nor do I think will I be anytime soon, in the mood for sex. He’s honestly been the second guy I’ve slept with here where all I could think about was K, and that’s not fair to them. I’ve never had this issue before.

In the past, I was able to just get all my sexual needs satisfied, and move on for the day. I was too good at it in fact. But now I just see K’s face, or I’m comparing tactics or, well just about everything they do, I’m comparing to how K would’ve done it. And it’s not good enough.

And I hate it.

Because I know he’s out there enjoying his life and I’m stuck here. In this emotional state that I never wanted to be in. That I tried avoiding SOOO many times, but he kept pushing me deeper and deeper into, and he’s not even here to catch me.

I hate him.

And myself. For FALLING too far in love. To a point I don’t know how to get out of.

Doesn’t help that T, the prison guy keeps calling and I feel like I enjoy the chats in general, but he keeps pushing for info on K/G, and how I know him etc but I just don’t wanna talk about him. I wanna just talk on the phone to someone about life. Life without K/G.


-Ella Mae/Trip-

 

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I Always Hear People Complain About The Place That They Live That All The People Here Are Fake And They Got Nothin’ To Give ‘Cause They Been Starin’ At Somebody Else’s Version Of Shit That Makes Another City Seem More Excitin’ Than It Is

Since moving, I’ve realized how terribly and utterly alone I am.

I’ve been crying far too much. To the point that it’s begun to affect my day-to-day life.

For example, each time my phone makes a sound, for some pathetic reason I hope that maybe this time someone is calling to check on me to see how I’m doing, or how the move went. But no, normally it’s a bill notification or a text from my boss etc. I’m literally crying because I just feel like all the decisions in my life have led up to this… and I hate this.

I have no one to talk to about the deep stuff that’s been fucking with my mind for almost a year now.

***Pause, my boss just brought me a latte and cinnamon bun, so we had a little break. Yep, I’m typing this at work because I’m currently in total ‘fuck it’ mode, let’s just call it a lunch break***

I was going to say I think people around me are starting to realize how unhappy I seem, but I can’t talk about what’s actually bothering me, because I know it’s deeper than the regular everyday stuff that people deal with. I know it has a lot to do with moving here. I know it has a lot to do with certain people in my life, or more specifically them not in my life how I would prefer now. But when people ask how I’m doing, or if I’m okay, the only answer I know will suffice for the moment is “I’m good” because I’m really not interested in trying to explain what’s really going on. Although judging by the latte and snack plus a few other things people have been doing for me lately, I’m obviously not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.

Either my answer is not good enough, or my constant red puffy eyes aren’t fooling anyone. Oh well.

How would you explain it to people who are just living out there in the world that maybe our lives aren’t…. real? Nah, more like our lives are all just whatever we perceive. And if we choose to, we can literally perceive nothing.

Nothing at all.

Would you be ok with going back to whatever mundane life you are living now? Knowing, or not knowing, thinking, perceiving and basically imagining and forming yourself as you are? Realizing that all our thoughts are connected, and in that thought, that you can ‘think’ to another ‘body’?

That perhaps our bodies are just an outward perception of our thoughts. But they don’t really “exist” and therefore, nothing does. Nothing but the original “thought” that started thought? Or if you prefer to call it the universe? Or if you prefer to call it God? Or you may choose to call it your higher-self? Either way, once you have cleared all the debris from your mind, and reached, or found the initial “thought/moment/time/instance’ that started your souls journey, do you think it would be easy for you to come back to who you are in this present day, in the now, and act like your just ok with whatever’s happening?

I’m not. Like right now, I’m seriously just trying to focus on stopping all my thoughts. Literally I’m zoned in on ending all my perception. But at the same time (here’s where I lose most of you, if anyone is still reading) I know I’m not crazy.

I still function as normal. I’m still 100% in control of my thoughts. I can still choose when and where I go deep in my thoughts to find that “starting” point. And, weirder yet, in doing so, I know it has some influence on my universe. Because things around me are changing. I’ll think about things in my mind, and moments later, the radio personalities will discuss the same situations. Or, I’ll feel others thoughts if I allow myself to. If I want to think of my mom, I will. And I can, in my focused thoughts, suggest in my mind to her that she call me, and moments later she will.

Those are just a few circumstances that let me know I’m not crazy. They allow me to remember that it’s not all in my head. That I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. That I have my legitimate thoughts, and at the same time, I’m “interacting” if you will with others thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe I’ve been dealing with this for much longer then I’ve consciously known… Perhaps to the point that E’s mental illness might have been connected to me…. which is not my favorite thought, but if we all have this capability, then perhaps he just couldn’t control the thoughts of others that were in his head.

Maybe we all have this ability. Fuck it, we probably all have the ability to access it. But not everyone finds it. Doubtful that anyone previously has found it to this degree, or we’d have more information on the subject. So what now? Because it is so unbelievable, so fuckin scary at first, pushing through all the paranoia, and disbelief. But maybe our souls have been trying to reach out to us since the beginning of infinity but, as infinity grew, so did the distance between us and our initial thought, making it harder for us to potentially find “ourselves”.  We have been so bound to our bodies, and what we’ve known, that we are so unwilling to accept that perhaps there is more.

Perhaps we are all connected in a much deeper level.

Imagine if we all came from one thought.

Close your eyes and try to think of nothing.

Not the pressures of this world and everything external that we perceive.

Where does that take you?

I’ve found amazing indescribable things, to the point that all I can say is I feel no one is on my level, and I feel very, very lonely.

So if you ask me, I’ll lie right to your face and say I’m good.

Not because I’m good, but because how do you explain that ⇑⇑, before 9:00am?

Also, very important side note, most times, no matter how hard you try, you can’t convince someone to do something they just really don’t want to do. Especially if the thought is nowhere in their head to begin with 🙁  Everyones soul is on their own path, and sometimes, you just can’t change it.

Anyways, trust me I’m not crazy, my kids are safe and yes I’m totally living my day to day life as per usual.


-Drake/Emotionless-

I Wanna Start Letting You Know This Because Of You My Life Has A Purpose You Helped Me Be Who I Am Today I See Myself In Every Word You Say

What would you do if you lived forever.

For real. How would you feel if you truly understood that INFINITY was, well infinite? Even more compelling and alarming, how would you react if you recognized that your life was part of it.

Just a small part of a universe that quite literally never stopped. No matter what you did, the universe will continue to move and grow. With each thought and breathe and movement, it’s expanding. Would that encourage you to make your movements count? Or would it make you feel like nothing you did was worth anything, and would it make you feel like giving up, right then and there.

What if some knowledge was imparted to you where certain actions if you choose them, might possible change the course of the universe? Would you believe that? Or would you assume your brain, mind, consciousness is fucked up?

But in all seriousness (j/k what even is seriousness nowadays) what if someone found this out FOREVER ago… that the two of you were important players in this game, and therefore was literally playing with you, with your life, and you didn’t even know it. All you were trying to do was love them?  What if your whole life as you knew it was some sort of “test” on this infinite loop in the universe? And they… the other player in this higher mind, had assumed you had known this whole time, thinking you have been fighting the good fight. But meanwhile, you have literally been struggling to survive. Because the fight got too hard, the challenge became to big. And quite frankly, you gave up and decided they weren’t worth it.

When you think about it, really think about it…. how many memories do you have that maybe don’t belong in your life as YOU. Yet all we have are a string of memories. Continuing forever. Until they don’t. Maybe we all have a soul mate/twin flame whatever that we started this journey to “earth” which remember while dealing with infinity, is still a drop in the bucket. Before “we came”, we planned so many different scenarios/situations to live out, having quite literally more than all the time in the world to do so, and now here we are. But what if…. what if, we’ve come to the end of our plan? And one of us whats to go back to our “soul-state” more that the other?

Do we create a hypothetical “heaven” through “love” or is it through our belief and trust in ourselves? Or the fact that we are all, literally, Gods in the most basic sense?

Something to chew on.

Because I’ll let you know, I’ve felt it.

Heaven if you will. When I allow myself to trust these very facts written here. When I allow myself to love someone I quite literally have grown to hate, I feel heaven. And it is indescribable.

I’d love for you to join me in the creation of it. Because I know I don’t have enough faith to do it alone. Our thoughts are powerful. And IF, by chance this life is “pre-ordained” or planned out to a point that no matter what we do, it’s planned from the start, then it goes without saying that following your instincts would give you the best results right? Because who in their right mind would plan out a bad life for themselves, right? So if we just follow all the signs we’ve left for ourselves along the way, and trust our gut… we should be good to go.

In theory…


-Simple Plan/This Song Saved My Life-