Time Is A Gift On Loan Fate Is Already Known It’s Your Destiny To Make It To The End It’s Your Destiny To Go Against The Trend

When I had the sex talk with Little E last week, I left out a major part, since I felt it deserved its own post.

At some point during our talk of how babies were made, which he had a pretty decent grasp of for an eight year old, we got into the topic of how E and I had sex, and E’s sperm and my egg connected to grow into a baby in my tummy. I told him loosely of how his ejaculation contains millions of sperm and how they race to the egg and how the first one that connects with the egg goes on to create a baby. The egg then grow and multiplies continually into a baby.

This led into a few questions, which prompted this post to break into its own. As I mentioned last time, if the egg wasn’t used, the woman got her period and then prepared a new egg during the next month. Somehow he got confused thinking a woman could only get pregnant once. So I explained, no. Every month she has the opportunity to have a baby. I have both you and Z from Daddy right? And, then I went on to say maybe one day I will find a man to have a new relationship with who loves me and respects me and if we decide we are comfortable with each other and we choose to have sex, then I can again have another baby.

This made him tear up, as he asked “so I’ll have a different dad?” So I had to wonder why it made him so upset. I explained that E would always be his Dad/Father and the one who created him through sex with me, but maybe one day, he could have a man in his life as a role model that he could call dad if he wanted to. I told him I would never be in a relationship with someone who didn’t want him or Z as his own, and that if I were to get with someone we could create a family, but no one would ever replace E as a dad as far as who contributed DNA and who you are as Little E is as a person. Little E was concerned that if I had sex with someone else and made a new baby, and he had a new dad, it would innately change who he was.

And that made me think.

On many levels.

When does life start? When are we created? Not when are we born, but when are we created?

Are we created when the sperm hits the egg? Are we created when we are born and take that first breath? Or are we yet to be created until we as an individual recognize our existence and acknowledge where we can from, both mother and father? Or are we created at the onset of a relationship that will lead to sex, a spark in the eye so to speak (ok that one’s a little far-fetched).

But in the whole circle of life, when is the moment you can look in the mirror and truly say, I’m alive, I am living, and in doing so acknowledge that everything living must die?

What if we are just still eggs or sperm in our ancestors body waiting to be connected to our soulmate, attempting time and time again to plan out the perfect exit plan, or entrance into life? What if we are just thoughts that haven’t actually experienced any of this yet? What if we are waiting to make the connection with the one racing toward us? Whose to say this is life, other than a thought that was thought before us and we all chose to accept without proof?

Because my innocent son thought he could have a new dad if he believed hard enough. He thought he could have me as his DNA mom and a new DNA dad, and it made me question what have I come to believe to be “true” just because someone said it. How deep of a connection can we create with someone? How far back can we go? How alive are we at this point that things are irreversible?

Yes we can touch and feel things etc, but whose to say that there isn’t so much more than that, and we aren’t just the start of something so much bigger and better that no one has yet to experience, so we’ve yet to discover and therefore no one discusses/believes it.

Whose to say we aren’t just the egg / sperm waiting with all our knowledge to connect with someone else and create a new life / universe/ experience, literally anything we want to call it?

Food for thought.


-Petra/Destiny-

 

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I Always Hear People Complain About The Place That They Live That All The People Here Are Fake And They Got Nothin’ To Give ‘Cause They Been Starin’ At Somebody Else’s Version Of Shit That Makes Another City Seem More Excitin’ Than It Is

Since moving, I’ve realized how terribly and utterly alone I am.

I’ve been crying far too much. To the point that it’s begun to affect my day-to-day life.

For example, each time my phone makes a sound, for some pathetic reason I hope that maybe this time someone is calling to check on me to see how I’m doing, or how the move went. But no, normally it’s a bill notification or a text from my boss etc. I’m literally crying because I just feel like all the decisions in my life have led up to this… and I hate this.

I have no one to talk to about the deep stuff that’s been fucking with my mind for almost a year now.

***Pause, my boss just brought me a latte and cinnamon bun, so we had a little break. Yep, I’m typing this at work because I’m currently in total ‘fuck it’ mode, let’s just call it a lunch break***

I was going to say I think people around me are starting to realize how unhappy I seem, but I can’t talk about what’s actually bothering me, because I know it’s deeper than the regular everyday stuff that people deal with. I know it has a lot to do with moving here. I know it has a lot to do with certain people in my life, or more specifically them not in my life how I would prefer now. But when people ask how I’m doing, or if I’m okay, the only answer I know will suffice for the moment is “I’m good” because I’m really not interested in trying to explain what’s really going on. Although judging by the latte and snack plus a few other things people have been doing for me lately, I’m obviously not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes.

Either my answer is not good enough, or my constant red puffy eyes aren’t fooling anyone. Oh well.

How would you explain it to people who are just living out there in the world that maybe our lives aren’t…. real? Nah, more like our lives are all just whatever we perceive. And if we choose to, we can literally perceive nothing.

Nothing at all.

Would you be ok with going back to whatever mundane life you are living now? Knowing, or not knowing, thinking, perceiving and basically imagining and forming yourself as you are? Realizing that all our thoughts are connected, and in that thought, that you can ‘think’ to another ‘body’?

That perhaps our bodies are just an outward perception of our thoughts. But they don’t really “exist” and therefore, nothing does. Nothing but the original “thought” that started thought? Or if you prefer to call it the universe? Or if you prefer to call it God? Or you may choose to call it your higher-self? Either way, once you have cleared all the debris from your mind, and reached, or found the initial “thought/moment/time/instance’ that started your souls journey, do you think it would be easy for you to come back to who you are in this present day, in the now, and act like your just ok with whatever’s happening?

I’m not. Like right now, I’m seriously just trying to focus on stopping all my thoughts. Literally I’m zoned in on ending all my perception. But at the same time (here’s where I lose most of you, if anyone is still reading) I know I’m not crazy.

I still function as normal. I’m still 100% in control of my thoughts. I can still choose when and where I go deep in my thoughts to find that “starting” point. And, weirder yet, in doing so, I know it has some influence on my universe. Because things around me are changing. I’ll think about things in my mind, and moments later, the radio personalities will discuss the same situations. Or, I’ll feel others thoughts if I allow myself to. If I want to think of my mom, I will. And I can, in my focused thoughts, suggest in my mind to her that she call me, and moments later she will.

Those are just a few circumstances that let me know I’m not crazy. They allow me to remember that it’s not all in my head. That I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. That I have my legitimate thoughts, and at the same time, I’m “interacting” if you will with others thoughts. Trust me, I’ve been struggling with the thought that maybe I’ve been dealing with this for much longer then I’ve consciously known… Perhaps to the point that E’s mental illness might have been connected to me…. which is not my favorite thought, but if we all have this capability, then perhaps he just couldn’t control the thoughts of others that were in his head.

Maybe we all have this ability. Fuck it, we probably all have the ability to access it. But not everyone finds it. Doubtful that anyone previously has found it to this degree, or we’d have more information on the subject. So what now? Because it is so unbelievable, so fuckin scary at first, pushing through all the paranoia, and disbelief. But maybe our souls have been trying to reach out to us since the beginning of infinity but, as infinity grew, so did the distance between us and our initial thought, making it harder for us to potentially find “ourselves”.  We have been so bound to our bodies, and what we’ve known, that we are so unwilling to accept that perhaps there is more.

Perhaps we are all connected in a much deeper level.

Imagine if we all came from one thought.

Close your eyes and try to think of nothing.

Not the pressures of this world and everything external that we perceive.

Where does that take you?

I’ve found amazing indescribable things, to the point that all I can say is I feel no one is on my level, and I feel very, very lonely.

So if you ask me, I’ll lie right to your face and say I’m good.

Not because I’m good, but because how do you explain that ⇑⇑, before 9:00am?

Also, very important side note, most times, no matter how hard you try, you can’t convince someone to do something they just really don’t want to do. Especially if the thought is nowhere in their head to begin with 🙁  Everyones soul is on their own path, and sometimes, you just can’t change it.

Anyways, trust me I’m not crazy, my kids are safe and yes I’m totally living my day to day life as per usual.


-Drake/Emotionless-

Our Finest Gifts We Bring/To Lay Before The King/I Am A Poor Boy Too/I Have No Gift To Bring/Shall I Play For You

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So this is Little E’s Christmas list this year. The list came about after he would continually talk about things he would like for Christmas (actually it was probably the same couple things over and over but to be honest I was hardly paying attention… opps), so I suggested he write a list for “Santa” and we could even maybe mail it to him.

Which is when my very clever boy asked if Santa is even real. Little E has asked this question this year and the previous 2 years. And each time he asks, I tell the truth. That no, Santa is not real, but it is a fun idea and little kids enjoy the excitement of the idea of him, so lets let them continue to believe. So then he asked who really brings the presents? And I asked him who does he think? And he said me (mom), and so I said yes, you’re right.

Which led to him asking why I would suggest he write a letter to “Santa” and who we would mail it to? So I told him that since I do buy the gifts, I still need an idea of what he would like, and the mailing part is just for fun, part of the whole santa idea. Pretty much the same conversation we had last year about it.

He took it really well and when we got home, he headed up to his room and emerged with this beautiful list. A list that makes me think I’m doing parenting right.

  1. A fish pal – One of his gold-fish recently died on a suicide mission, by jumping out of the bowl. Eli mentioned one morning one of his fish was missing, but I was like no way, it’s got to be in the bowl. But when he insisted, I told him I would look later that afternoon. I spent SOOO long looking for it, under the dresser, in the dresser drawers, even digging around in the bottom of the fishbowl. the whole time terrified I would actually find a dead fish.  I finally found it in the garbage can, all the way at the other side of the dresser, and truly believed that the fish had dove out the bowl, flopped allllllll the way across the long double drawer dresser to its final demise in the garbage can. It’s like we had our own Finding Nemo escape moment. I was blown away. So I go to tell Eli that I found his fish, and that it’s quite an amazing story, but unfortunately ends with the fish dead… and he interrupts me. Saying yeah, he found the fish on the floor right beneath the bowl, so he had picked it up and threw it out.  For a minute I was sad my theory on how the fish got into the garbage was wrong, but also so impressed little E handled it like it was no big deal. Anyways, so now he wants another fish so the remaining one isn’t lonely
  2. Nintendo Land CD
  3. Wii U – Which I’ve been told they don’t make anymore or something like that. So I suggested to him, that maybe we get some new games for his DS that he got last Christmas, he was A-Okay with that.
  4. Party with my family – Like seriously doesn’t this just melt your heart?
  5. To see if we are going to a new home – So I’ve explained to the kids (although Z really doesn’t care) about Kelowna. And I think little E is just ready to get it done.
  6. To wish people a great time- OMG like I love this kid
  7. Cookie decorating – I can totally arrange this
  8. A big home – Like I said, he knows we’re moving, but as sweet and kind as your list is buddy, I can’t afford a big home. But I can promise you it will be safe and warm and full of love.
  9. To teach me good manners – Honest to god he wrote this list himself with no influence from me. Well no influence at the time, but I’ve obviously been an influence in his life to make him. a 7-year-old boy, ask for good manners for Christmas.
  10. A boy – I asked him what this one meant. He said he wants a baby boy in our family… Ummmm. Sorry hun, I can’t get you that for Christmas. And then he suggested that maybe Aunty N, who’s pregnant can have a boy. Phew, as long as you’re not asking for a little brother, because my hands are tied on that one lol.

 

Anyways, on the way back from the gym tonight I was talking to him some more about his list and how it was very thoughtful and not greedy, and I was very proud of him. He turned around and said “but it is greedy, I asked for 10 things”

Oh Little E, but the things you asked for are not all THINGS. They weren’t just stuff. You have learned a very important lesson about whats important in life, and that is that people and time and love, all those experiences, are much more valuable, and more important and can make you much happier than just stuff, or toys, or games.  And that was reflected in your list. You showed that you were not being greedy by wanting to wish others a great time, or spend time with your family, or even by wanting to better yourself with good manners. All those are the opposite of being greedy. You are turning yourself to the world to try to make the world a better place instead of trying to constantly see what you can get from the world.

I told him I hope he never looses that value, and that love that he’s shown in that letter.

And I hope I can continue to point my children in what I feel is the right direction.


-Little E’s Fav Christmas Song/Drummer Boy-