I Know You’re Built To Love, But Broken Now, So Just Try, Yeah I know You’re Chokin’ On Your Fears

So never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen. We went to get the mail yesterday and there were a few small packages in it, one for each of the kids and myself. From E. Not gonna lie at first I was like wtf? For a quick instant I was like is it something dangerous? What could it possibly be? Why after all these years, over 6 to be exact, would my ex be mailing something to his kids for the first time ever? So I sat in the front of my car and opened the Little E’s package first before handing it over just in case it was something that was better off handled by me. Is that a federal offence? I’m not 100% sure, but as a mother I’m sure you’d do it to if your ex sent your kids a small package in the mail for the first time ever after being apart for 6 years. I wanted to make sure it was something that would be good for Little E. Not harmful.

Surprise of my year when I looked in a saw a book and a card! I peeked in the card an saw the start of a nice note written to Little E. I opened Z’s package and saw something similar so I handed the packages back to the kids and told them they were from their dad.

I asked them to wait to open them and we called E so he could see their reactions as they opened the small gifts. I figured he had done this small thing for his kids he should at least be able to enjoy it. He picked up as I was pretty sure he would as I know he’s not working and doesn’t leave the house often due to his mental health issues, and watched the kids open their gifts.

I had to read the cards to the kids for them since he had written in cursive, and I will admit he did a really good job. Never in over the dozen years of knowing E has he written me a card, and now these heartfelt cards had words like I’m proud of you and you’re growing into a smart young woman etc. They weren’t just left at the writings that the cards had preprinted inside. It was really nice to see.

Then I opened my envelope and there, for the first time was an ugly ass purple card for Mother’s Day. The first one I’ve ever gotten from the father of my kids. Saying thank you for being a good mom.

And I was speechless. I teared up. Because I have to admit this week I felt like calling E and bitching at him to say I’ve been raising these kids on my own for the last 6 years without so much as a thank you, but I restrained myself One, because I’ve never done that before so why start now, and two because I’ve been really trying hard to control what kind of energy I put into the world, and also because I know he struggles with the reality of other people’s life’s at he is dealing with so much in his own mind. So I didn’t want to put that on him. So I didn’t call.

But when that card came in the mail I felt guilty for putting those thoughts out there. Yes, I needed him to acknowledge that I’ve been doing a great job and that I’ve been doing it alone. But I also need to keep my own mind in check of how I think of other people.

So I just wanted to share that my kids received the first ever gifts from their dad this week. Ones that I didn’t shop for on his behalf, and kind heartfelt written cards that they’ll treasure for a long time. And maybe it doesn’t seem that important to you, because your family is great and your dad does that stuff for you all the time, but just know I’ve been praying for this for a long time. And it’s beautiful to see it happen. And to see my kids hold those books, and get something I couldn’t give them no matter how hard I tried.

Was heart breaking and wonderful at the same time.


-Be Kind/Halsey and Marshmello-

I Heard Her Praying / And The Tears That She Shed Still They Still Linger In My Head

Heads up, on Little E’s iPad again so prep for an awful lay out since I’m not tech savvy enough to attempt to figure out how to fix this. Each time I click return to start a new paragraph it starts a new post instead 🤔. Okay, so last night…. last night last night last night. Woooooooweee. To start, yesterday I was doing a little reading here on WordPress and I found a blog that mentioned the word Kundalini. I had no idea what it meant. So I dived down the deep dark web (mainly a Wikipedia post, so not that thrilling) to learn what I could about it. I’d recommend you do your own research if you’re interested in the topic, but basically it’s a form of divine energy associated with the divine feminine. I read a few articles on it, and was like yep, I’m going to have my Kundalini experience. Well, welllll well wellllll. I went to bed last night early and laid in bed and I’m gonna be completely honest with you all, I was so sexually aroused. The whole day since reading the articles and discovering this idea, I was horny. There is no way to sugar coat it. I was thinking sexual thoughts, I wanted to go masturbate in the bathroom at work (I didn’t) I was drawn to the idea of watching porn (I never do). Like I was a regular horn dog. Throughout the day it subsided until I got home and did my motherly duties and fed the kids dinner and got them into bed, but then my mind was over whelmed with thoughts of giving my body sexual pleasure again. So I locked up the house of the night and went to my room, locked the door and got into bed. By 7:30 at night 🤔. Like I was so ready for this. I wasn’t even thinking Kundalini anymore, I was just ready to grab my toys and have the best time with myself that I had ever had. And so I began. Show and steady, head full of stories I head read through the day, most about forced orgasms and such tbh, I can’t remember whose blog I had ended up on while hella horny earlier that day, but she had tons of great experience that leant a huge hand to my horniness. At some point I can’t remember exactly when, but my mind went from guiding my hands to something completely different. It was scary, and relieving all at the same time. The whole kundalini divine feminine energy stuff I mentioned? Well, I’m pretty sure I experience it. In the most indescribable way ever. I felt like my body was ripped in two from the vagina up but not in a painful way. Like energy was coursing through me. But then, it change into me being aware my lower half of my body was laying on the bed orgasaming, but the upper half of my was divided into three parts. One was connected to a friend and the reality of this world, one was screaming. Really physically screaming and crying. Like all the pain of my life was escaping in that moment and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was panicking and crying and my sounds were not my own. I couldn’t stop it, but I could hear a voice reassuring me that it was for the better. That this was a healing process. The third part was laughing hysterically. And uncontrollable laughter was escaping my lips at the same time as the scream and the crying and the pain and the tears. My mind was in a panic yet I could hear a presence comforting me, letting know that this was healing and that the energy that was coursing through me was needed, to return to its rightful place. After what seemed like minutes ( probably closer to 30-40 seconds) of panic and crying and screaming and pain being released my body was able to come together. The three facets that my mind had been parted into slowly curled into each other and created my brain and held me close and comforted me in aftercare of this experience. My body whimpered and shivered and yet felt so pure and free, while at the same time safe. So while this was the most fearful journey to go on, it was also in the aftermath, very wholesome and enjoyable, at least once complete. The guiding voice reassured me that energies would be placed where needed and that the journey was not over yet, although something like that, that pain, and that release, would not happen in such majesty again. I had such a wonderful sleep last night, void of dreams which is unusual for me. Normally, at least within the past few years since my experiences have began, I’ve been dreaming a few lucid dreams each night. But last night was straight sleep all the way through and I woke this morning feeling refreshed. I even noticed I slept in a new position that I’d never done before, which although not profound, worth mentioning. So, all in all, another interesting night on my journey to healing.


-High Tide Or Low Tide/Bob Marley-

There’s No Way I Can Save You ‘Cause I Need To Be Saved Too

Today I found myself sitting on a pile of darks while the white’s spun around in the washing machine.

Never in my life have I seemed so pathetic to even myself. Sinking down into a pile of dirty laundry filled with Little E’s sweaty soccer uniform and dirty towels that I’ve used to squirt all over while masturbating and sandy bathing suits mixed with the kids clothes covered in art supplies and grass stains. All just to try and have a few minutes of peace and quiet to myself.

So I closed the door as quietly as possible and sat on the pile as I watched the washer start to do it’s thing. I could hear the kids playing hide and seek and I tried to just focus on relaxing. Something I’m not good at.

Whenever I’ve gone for a massage or anything, the practitioner is always commenting that I need to relax more, that I’m tense. I honestly don’t know what they mean. I literally live my life at this tense level and when I’m laying there on that bad I AM AS RELAXED AS I CAN BE! WTF do you think I’m here for a massage? I’m trying to relax more. You do your thing and massage all my stress away, don’t stress me out more by telling me I’m to stressed! Agh!

Anyways, my newest reason for stress is back to my headaches/seizures. My headaches have been out of control for a few months and no amount of sleep, advil, crying, hot showers or medication has proven to be able to stop them. So my doctor ordered an EEG for me. “An electroencephalogram (EEG) is a test used to find problems related to electrical activity of the brain. An EEG tracks and records brain wave patterns” – Thanks Google. Anyways, I went last Friday to the hospital for it. This isn’t my first go at something like this. I’ve had numerous EEG’s, MRI’s and even CAT scans in regards to my seizures. All of them showing that yes, there’s stuff going on up there that’s out of the ordinary, but no one knows why or what to do.

So I’m laying there on the bed once the tech gets all 29 electrodes glued to my head and we go through the deep breathing they have you do and then they have a flashing light set up to see how the brain waves react, which is fine for me since my seizures are not triggered by light, and then I’m just laying there for the last 20 minutes or so. That’s when it happened. Finally while I’m all hooked up to wires and everything to have it recorded on paper for proof.

I had one of my ‘experiences’

Just like a few times before, the world around me melted away and I was nothing and nowhere and everything was complete peace. Until the tech started moving around slowly and said “OK C, That’s it” She then proceeded to ask me if I had a Neurologist in the area (No) and if I had other recent scans handy to give the Dr. (Not on my person at the time, should I have brought them?). And that was that. She pulled out the electrodes and washed out the glue with zero regard to my fresh wash’n’go, messing the hell outta my hair, and I was on my way.

My phone rang on the drive home but I missed it as it was still on silent from the scan, but the voicemail was from the hospital:

IMG_2902

I’m so messed up lol. The Dr. who read my results is requesting me as a patient lol, right after the tech explained to me that appointments with a Neurologist normally take a few months to get, and are on a first come first serve basis. So whichever Dr has a space available next, goes to the person at the top of the list. But here I am, getting name requested by the Dr. himself! I must have some juicy problems going on up there!  I feel like this is way back in elementary school when teams are being picked for soccer at recess but now for the first time I was chosen first. (Yeah I was not an athletic kid lol)

Never in my wildest dream did I think I’d get pushed to the front of the line because of how fucked up my brain was/is. It’s validating in a way. A really weird messed up way, but a way nonetheless. Just to know that everything I’ve been going through is real. And has been recorded on paper by a legitimate hospital, and an actual Dr. might have a solution for me.

And in that weird way, I found myself trying to relax in the dark and quiet to just have some me time this morning in a pile of dirty laundry. This lasted all of 6 minutes based on the washing machine timer, until Z came and sat on the pile of lights beside me and started chatting away. Not in an annoying way, but not in a quiet way either. Asking her cute questions like what are you doing mom? Oh I’ll sit to! What time until my friends come over? What time is it now? How much longer until that time? Oh that’s my blanket in the wash. Oh there goes my shirt. Hey that’s my blanket again. And so it went a stream of endless questions.

So I just settled in and answered her questions as patiently and as detailed as I could. Knowing that this knowledge is the basis of the rest of her life. These questions are empty space in her mind and the answers I give her are building bridges in her mind. I can’t do my kids wrong because my mind is messed up and overloaded with stress. I want to make sure my kids don’t have faulty connections that start to break down as they get older like their dad and I have struggled with. I want them to have strong knowledge and minds that hold them through their life. Our being here in life is so much more than meets the physical eye and I have to do my best to not only heal past hurt on my part so it doesn’t trickle down to them, but also help create new bridges and connections in those newly formed spaces that previously held nothing or damaged things. So I take my time. I answer questions with peace and strong lasting knowledge and hope that what I help create in them has a loving, beautiful and lasting effect. That can pass down through generations to come.

Whether or not my brain can handle seeing it.


-Post Malone Ft. Young Thug / Goodbyes-

So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

Each Day I Feel So Blessed To Be Looking At You ‘Cause When You Open Your Eyes, I Feel Alive

Oh my gosh! Kids are seriously the sweetest most innocent things ever created in the history of creation and I love mine to bits. I often think about posting photo’s of mine here for the sake of cuteness, but well as unlikely as it seems after reading my posts, I do have limits.

Anyways, in today’s bit of adorableness, Little E and I went for eye exams just to make sure everything is all hunky dory in the optic world for us.

So the assistant is doing the pre-exam stuff, asking all the family history questions and Little E is listening intently to all the answers and even adding his ‘helpful’ information as he feels is needed or asking questions when he doesn’t understand one of my answers. Then she asks if I’m on any medications and I tell her which ones and she asks is I have any additional conditions not mentioned in her questionnaire and I say epilepsy and Little E says what’s that? And so I reply seizures, and he goes ‘Oh yeah when you roll and shake around in the bed at night’. And I could just tell by the look on the ladies face that she honestly thought Little E had walked in on me doing the dirty so often that I had straight up lied to him telling him I was having seizures and I could barely contain my laughter, instead just answer with a straight faced yes. So the assistant’s face was turning so red and she’s like ok that’s everything the Dr. will be right in and got out as soon as possible. Meanwhile Little E is like what’s so funny, over and over. But I honestly didn’t know how to explain it to him so I just told him that the details of someones illness can sometimes make other people feel uncomfortable and we need to learn to be more subtle about it. Lame answer I know, but how else was I supposed to explain that she mistook his complete innocent truth for a twisted lie on my part?

Anyways, the Dr. finally comes in and quickly determines Little E also needs glasses. He actually only needs lenses for one eye but the prescription is pretty big and is causing his good eye to over work. As soon as she announced it I saw tears well up in his eyes. He was not impressed. But she explained that he would only have to use them while doing school work and reading etc so his one eye wouldn’t have to work so hard, and maybe eventually he could switch to just a contact lense in that one eye if we felt that would work for him. But when out playing sports and all that, it wouldn’t be necessary. That still didn’t help his mood. He didn’t really want to choose glasses but finally ended picking an adorable pair in the end with a smile, which was helpful. He just needed the reassurance that he wouldn’t have to wear them 24/7 like Z and I, and after that it wasn’t that bad to pick out what he liked.

Honestly, he looks so handsome. Which is why I want to post a picture but I won’t. I’ll just live with the knowledge on my own that my kids are the most beautiful and handsome ever as well as the fact my optometrist’s assistant thinks my son has seen me have sex and thinks that’s what a seizure is.

Like they say, kids say the cutest things.


-Beyonce/Blue-