I Hope You Both Feel The Sparks By The End Of The Drive I Hope You Know She’s The One By The End Of The Night

I haven’t just written about what’s going on in my life lately.

Today, my kids are attending their official last day of school. Z is done grade 1 and Little E has completed grade 4. It seems necessary to mark this occasion after the whirlwind of a season we’ve been through in this last little while. But I can now say they’ve officially, and quite successfully made it! Most of their marks being above average. I’m not a fan of the marking system the schools here use. There are no letters or percentages given out, it’s like a sentence rating. Which I don’t see as better per say. Like there are 3 preset sentences the teacher can choose from but we all know they basically represent a grade or level of achievement. Like ‘meeting expectations’ or ‘ exceeding expectations’ etc. We all know they are just place holders for the grade or level of achievement the child has obtained. My kids have been doing more than fine with them working above grade level in a few courses, so I’m not concerned. My point is does it really make it better to have it written out point blank ‘you are not meeting the expectations’ and have the gut feeling you’re not good enough or to see like a C grade or something and just be like ok. Cool. Whatever. Do better next time maybe. I don’t know. I’m not a teacher (I dropped out of university when I had Little E) but I think the letters were fine.

Wow didn’t think I’d go in about that lol. Anyway my kids are excited for the summer. Not like it’ll make a difference to our routine much. We’ve been at the beach so much already since I’ve been working from home and the Covid junk has been going on. We have our private beach at the park which makes living in a trailer park worth all the embarrassing feelings I have almost worth it. All the camps and sports I had the kiddos signed up for during the summer have been canceled so basically I just went and bought some fun new water floatys and plan on relaxing all day erryday in the lake.

As far as how I’m doing personally? Decent I guess. It’s two fold. As a regular shmegular human, I think I’m doing quite successful. My kids are well behaved and joyful. They have friends and are happy and pleasant. I have a nice house and a car that runs however I need to still get the air conditioner fixed that my sister broke last summer. I have a good secure job that pays well and is more than flexible. I live in a beautiful town with gorgeous views and neighbours who both keep to themselves as well as keep an eye out on my kids and bring over gifts and flowers/veggies/fruits from their garden for us.

So really, pretty good. But I’m lonely. And the worst part about all this is I have offers for dates and I’ve been out with guys, but it feels inauthentic because I’m still in love with K. To the point I’ve had to explain it to one guy because he kept pestering me as to why I didn’t want to be with him. As crappy as K was to me sometimes, part of me can’t move on with anyone else because of that weird connection we made. But what makes it worse is the sense that it’s completely one sided and I know there’s nothing that I can do about it except have my own feeling regarding the situation. No one is holding my hand to the fire saying I can’t move on and have a relationship with someone else. In fact most would probably recommend it. And to them I would say, I’ve tried. I went on those few dates. I even went so far as to sleep with other guys. But it was empty and even gross. Like I was trying to prove something to myself that I could be ok and create a emotion and feeling for another person. But there was nothing. Nothing except thoughts of how it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t as good. It felt even disloyal. It made me feel dirty.

So even thought it’s been years, and I still cry about him ohhhh at least 4-5 times a week, I’ve at least learned that I don’t want anyone else. For me, I think that’s a good place to be. A good thing to have learned. No, it obviously doesn’t mean his feelings change in anyway, but I can grow in my life by understanding that I don’t have to be paired with another man. I know who I love, and I can rest in that peace. Where the loneliness comes from is staying loyal to my choice of not pairing up with random men while I stay true to myself and my understanding of who I love. So I’m not saying I’m just going to live my life waiting for him to love me. What I’m saying is I know who I love and who effects my life in the most beautiful way and because of that I can peacefully put the search for a partner aside and live the rest of my life to the fullest in this moment.


-I Hope/Gabby Barrett-

This Is For The Question Marks / Together We Are Dangerous Together With Our Differences

I had a terrible…. ‘thing’ happen Saturday night. I want to say nightmare but I wasn’t sleeping. I wish more than anything right now that it was a dream, but I was wiiiiiiide awake unfortunately. Which makes it all the more terrifying.

To be honest I didn’t realize it was happening until it was over. Because it all felt to real. It’s like to realities merged together in some very scary mind bending alternate universe but at the same time it was in my head. Yet out of my head since it happened to me/with me. Ugh this shits to hard to write to explain. There aren’t words enough to do it justice. It’s like either you feel and experience it or you don’t.

But there I was in the moment and I was understanding someone else’s thoughts. Like I was living the things he was thinking of doing to me. It was horrible and terrible and disgusting and morbid, yet in that moment I couldn’t pull myself out because I didn’t realize it wasn’t this true reality to me in that time. I went from relaxing one moment to experiencing all these feelings and emotions and sensations that were not of me but the guy I was with. And it wasn’t until I was able to find my own thoughts and control my own mind purely, that in one horrible rush, all the energy of his rushed away from me. Like I melted away from myself and the experience zoomed down from my head to my toes and the room melted into the place I had seen when I first walked in. All the things I had been seeing in less than an instant rushed back into his mind and he lay there still. Not a care in the world. Not a clue that I had just seen and experience everything I think he was thinking. Because I KNOW I didn’t make those thoughts on my own.

I was beyond scared. I was immobile. I could hardly breathe. I wanted to cry and scream and melt away into nothing. But as my breath returned and I calmed down, I’ve began to think long and hard about that time. And the seemingly countless others I’ve now come to have in the past with various others. Sure perception probably plays a role in this somehow but today I’m focused on how I experienced his thoughts.

And for me, it boils down to this.

The collective consciousness.

There is no proof that our thoughts are maintained in the brain. Maybe they are produced there, but a thought is not a tangible thing that must be stored within a body as most would assume until now. If I have been able to clear my thoughts and solve the majority of issues I’ve been handed in my life so far to a point that I’ve have no qualms with others. No issues of contention with others thoughts, then it could stand to reason that I would have a clear path in my consciousness that would allow me to easily access the thoughts/consciousness of others.

This, however, has not been enjoyable for me. If you’ve read my blog for a while, like a few years, you know this journey of consciousness has been a long and tough one. I don’t think it’s something that can be achieved overnight. We have years of thoughts built up in this physical lifetime, not to mention however much pain etc may be passed down through DNA and what not. Then on top of that, I now risk exposing myself in times of vulnerability to others minds without meaning or wanting to. Plus, I highly doubt some people want their thoughts that must be on the outer edge of their minds that they’ve hidden in the deepest darkest part away from their centre to be exposed and viewed by others without permission.

In a way, it’s a beautiful thing to consider and hope for and believe in. But… I think in general people would want to start cleaning up their own thoughts before they know they may be experienced by an outsider.

But that’s just my personal opinion. I know I’ll be working on what I think even in the darkest recesses of my mind, in the unknown. On the off chance it may be touching someone else’s mind and affecting them.

I have been working on it. And will continue to with every conscious thought I make.


-Together/Kirk Franklin, Tori Kelly & FOR KING AND COUNTRY-

Time To Take A Stand And Save Our Future Like We All Got Shot / Throwing Up Our Hands Don’t Let Them Shoot Us ‘Cause We All We Got, We All We Got God Ain’t Put Us On The Earth To Get Murdered, It’s Murder

Phew. A lot of emotions. Just a heads up I don’t have a clear plan of what I’m going to write today because there are currently so many things going through my head. I’m just trying to organize my mind so I can get on with my day.

My kids and I have been talking a lot about racism and injustices around the world the last couple days as I mentioned in my last post. We’ve made the decision to all attend a peaceful protest that is taking place in our city tomorrow afternoon to make our solidarity known. I want my kids to know that they don’t have to nor should they ever stand idly by the sidelines when they see someone in need. And this? This is a whole race in need. Yes it effects us directly since my kids have a father who is Kenyan, but more than that I’ve taught my kids simple right from wrong, and the blatant racism that is killing individuals who happen to look like them is MORE than wrong. So we will do our part to change it.

This is a exposure of true character. A time to get off the fence. Maybe you or your family isn’t in danger of being manhandled by police. Perhaps your world is calm and quiet and comfortable. But maybe by joining a peaceful protest or signing a petition, you can make your experience a reality for people of colour. Instead of just sitting and watching the news and seeing protest or riots which some individuals have started, maybe join in with what you can now, so we can solve this issue and not have to have a repeat of this issue years down the road.

I was out for groceries this morning and over heard and elderly couple complaining amongst themselves about how they didn’t like being directed by a East Indian man telling them what till to go to or where to stand / when to unload their groceries. This was due to the Covid -19 restrictions and has been put into place for social distancing reasons.

All I could think was imagine having those ‘restrictions’ your whole life times 100 or more. That kind of segregation or separation from better opportunities. From higher paying jobs. Better health care. Imagine being looked down on for something you were born with. Imagine people thinking you were a threat as you went about your daily life? You might start to resent it a little to. You might have a little built up frustration in you too.

Then imagine there was a movement that unfortunately started because police officers did not enforce any law as is their job, but have continually killed people that looked like you. I could imagine you would at that point step in to join that movement for change in whatever form it took. So if you are still on the fence on this one, on the fight for justice for black lives because you think it doesn’t effect you or think it’s fine to just chill on the couch while others take up the cause, you’re dead wrong.

This is reaching worldwide. The world you are part of. It’s our opportunity to obliterate racism and not only make a change for the better but chose the best. I can assure you that the society we live in is nowhere near the best in its current form. We need all people on board. It’s either you support a change, or you are against it, or you have no thought either way.

Do you want to be known as someone who just lets the racist possibly succeed because you stood on the fence? On or off. For or against. Make your position known.

Killer or human.


-The Game/Don’t Shoot-

I Know You’re Built To Love, But Broken Now, So Just Try, Yeah I know You’re Chokin’ On Your Fears

So never in my wildest dreams did I expect this to happen. We went to get the mail yesterday and there were a few small packages in it, one for each of the kids and myself. From E. Not gonna lie at first I was like wtf? For a quick instant I was like is it something dangerous? What could it possibly be? Why after all these years, over 6 to be exact, would my ex be mailing something to his kids for the first time ever? So I sat in the front of my car and opened the Little E’s package first before handing it over just in case it was something that was better off handled by me. Is that a federal offence? I’m not 100% sure, but as a mother I’m sure you’d do it to if your ex sent your kids a small package in the mail for the first time ever after being apart for 6 years. I wanted to make sure it was something that would be good for Little E. Not harmful.

Surprise of my year when I looked in a saw a book and a card! I peeked in the card an saw the start of a nice note written to Little E. I opened Z’s package and saw something similar so I handed the packages back to the kids and told them they were from their dad.

I asked them to wait to open them and we called E so he could see their reactions as they opened the small gifts. I figured he had done this small thing for his kids he should at least be able to enjoy it. He picked up as I was pretty sure he would as I know he’s not working and doesn’t leave the house often due to his mental health issues, and watched the kids open their gifts.

I had to read the cards to the kids for them since he had written in cursive, and I will admit he did a really good job. Never in over the dozen years of knowing E has he written me a card, and now these heartfelt cards had words like I’m proud of you and you’re growing into a smart young woman etc. They weren’t just left at the writings that the cards had preprinted inside. It was really nice to see.

Then I opened my envelope and there, for the first time was an ugly ass purple card for Mother’s Day. The first one I’ve ever gotten from the father of my kids. Saying thank you for being a good mom.

And I was speechless. I teared up. Because I have to admit this week I felt like calling E and bitching at him to say I’ve been raising these kids on my own for the last 6 years without so much as a thank you, but I restrained myself One, because I’ve never done that before so why start now, and two because I’ve been really trying hard to control what kind of energy I put into the world, and also because I know he struggles with the reality of other people’s life’s at he is dealing with so much in his own mind. So I didn’t want to put that on him. So I didn’t call.

But when that card came in the mail I felt guilty for putting those thoughts out there. Yes, I needed him to acknowledge that I’ve been doing a great job and that I’ve been doing it alone. But I also need to keep my own mind in check of how I think of other people.

So I just wanted to share that my kids received the first ever gifts from their dad this week. Ones that I didn’t shop for on his behalf, and kind heartfelt written cards that they’ll treasure for a long time. And maybe it doesn’t seem that important to you, because your family is great and your dad does that stuff for you all the time, but just know I’ve been praying for this for a long time. And it’s beautiful to see it happen. And to see my kids hold those books, and get something I couldn’t give them no matter how hard I tried.

Was heart breaking and wonderful at the same time.


-Be Kind/Halsey and Marshmello-

My Mama Loves, She Loves Me She Gets Down On Her Knees And Hugs Me She Loves Me Like A Rock She Rocks Me Like The Rock Of Ages

*** UPDATE *** I’ve linked my Instagram for pictures. Relevant to the post 😁****

Totally not the topic of my post but I’m at Starbucks writing this morning, since I’m meeting with a friend. Normally when I come and write here, I order my drink in a porcelain cup, you know to save the environment and not use a plastic cup and lid. So I order as per usual, and the barista says they aren’t serving in to-stay cups because of the corona virus. Like what? How will me not a WASHABLE MUG, that should be sanitized thoroughly with hot water and soap be helpful? Sure you don’t want to touch my germs (that I don’t have, since I’m not carrying the virus), but I would place the mug in a wash bucket/bin for you and you use gloves to put it in the dishwasher…. I truly fail to see the benefit of not serving drinks in them during this time other than adding to our pollution.

However, lol. That’s not the point of my blog today. Just a thought I have while writing. Another thought, was I figured out how to edit/make new paragraphs on Little E’s IPad, so I’m moving up in the world. Lol. What’s actually on my mind today, is the facts that we as a family went to the dentist a little while ago. While we were there the hygienist, who is of Asian decent (not normally a factor but plays into the story in a minor way, as a minority in our town plus with her accent) made a comment to me. She’s a very kind woman, maybe late twenties, early thirties with no kids of her own. We’ve been to the dentist a couple times now since moving so we’ve been chatting a bit, I mean as much as you can while your mouth is stuck open while your teeth are being cleaned. So this time, as I was on my way out she said, word for word as it made such and impact on me: “So you adopted your two kids” With such a sweet smile and an air of, oh what a kind thing I’d done to adopt two siblings of colour who must have been from a foreign country and probably are so much better off with me. I must be such a good lady, to have saved them from whatever war zone or something like that. Like I’d rescued them. That sort of tone/look on her face. So I figured if she was going to push the boundaries and make such a statement that was so inconsiderate, and thoughtless, then well… 🤯 I responded with: “No, they’re mine, I grew them in my belly and pushed them out my own vagina. Thanks for asking.” She was so red, rightfully so. And rushed to say it was because they don’t look like me. Ok. Ok, ok okaaaay. I know my kids aren’t like spitting images of me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be considered or thought of as much their mom as other parents who are moms and dads of kids who aren’t mixed race, or look more similar to their children. Or that obtuse people can judge my kids heritage and make them feel like they don’t belong. In fact, I may be more involved in my kids lives than many other parents who look more like their kids than I do. Looking the same as someone doesn’t automatically make you more a parental figure than me. Parenting takes time and effort. It takes imparting wisdom and listening to their deepest fears and helping the kids work through them. It takes years of hard work, trying to figure out how to pay for extra curricular activities on a single mom budget and nights crying alone in bed worrying about their future. It takes hours praying for them, hoping they will make good choices for their own lives, while knowing you can’t protect them from everything, but wishing you could. It takes prepping three meals a day, seven days a week and about a zillion snacks for years, which I’m sure continues even after they move out. It takes holding your tongue when they bring home friends you don’t agree with, then having conversations with them later about being an influential figure not the one influenced. It’s about wiping tears and giving hugs even if your hurting to. It’s about helping with homework even if they teach math stupidly now. It’s about 7:00 am Saturday morning hockey games and Sunday afternoon dance recitals. It’s about showing them love and connection. Its about teaching personal hygiene and sexual education and loving others as well as personal boundaries. It’s helping little humans self discover who they are and teaching them it’s ok to change, or not know. It’s explaining to them when to say sorry, and when to stand your ground. It’s helping them learn about emotion and safe ways to express them. It’s about creating a home environment where they feel safe to come home to when nowhere else in the world is listening to them. The list goes on, and for me, it’s about doing it all by myself. So, yes these are my biological kids, but I think being a parent can be for anyone who has consistently put in that effort, time and love into a child who needs it. So was I offended when the hygienist said that? Not so much offended as shocked. I just figured that in this day in age people wouldn’t be out making statements about others life’s so blatantly, without and background information or invite. Do I blame here for thinking that? Not necessarily, since she’s not far from the truth. My kids and I don’t look a ton alike. What I would do though, is caution her from making those comments so haphazardly in the future again. Other individuals may not take her tactless comments so lightly. I am basically the only parent my children have known, and I will teach them that looks now, and in the future will never matter. Because it is 100% on the inside what matters. -Loves Me Like A Rock/Paul Simon-