She Needs Wide Open Spaces Room To Make Her Big Mistakes She Needs New Faces She Knows The High Stakes

I know it’s been a week+ since I posted. I’ve been going back and working on editing my previous posts like I mentioned before.

But I had to write about today because again, I’ve been seriously asked by an employer if I would consider moving to Kelowna.

The first time was when I was 20, and I was working as a Nanny for this wonderful family. At this point I’d been their Nanny for around two years. They were good bosses and we got along well. Because of a new direction in the dads job, they were planning on moving to Kelowna. The mom would often show me houses they were looking at, and when they finally decided on a beautiful house, she explained in great detail all the fantastic stuff it came with. Starting with it being in a gated community, steps away from the lake… and it had a pool house in the back. And then she paused. I’m there waiting for more… like yeah ok?? Then she explained how they had taken into consideration me possibly moving with them when they were buying the house and if I were to come I would have my own little house in the back. So would I like to move to a new province with them?

Wow. I know I’m a good employee, but I did not see this coming. Up until that point, since I was working two jobs, I had just figured I would pick up more shifts at the restaurant for now until I figured out my next move. I asked her if I could have some time to think about it, and she said for sure and that was that.

I went home and thought about my life here and how at the time I was dating E, and I actually 100% truth, used him as my reason to stay. Well that and deep down I felt that if I moved with them now, I would feel obligated to be their Nanny forever. And I did not want to be a 40 year old Nanny. So after a couple days I told my boss that I was truly grateful for the offer, but I didn’t feel like I was ready to leave my life here, and that E and I were getting really serious so I didn’t want to jeopardize that.

Fast forward to today, and my current boss A asks me to step outside and brings up the possibility of us relocating to Kelowna if we are all on board with the idea. Like I said before, I work in a small office, where there are currently just the 3 of us actually in the office. We recruit people from all over Canada to work in remote areas up north, and most of the work is done over the phone/email. We don’t really have the guys we hire in office for anything so we can pretty much be based out of whatever city we want. And weather wise, Kelowna would be MUCH better than where I currently am, as well as so many other positives.

As far as attachments to my current city… I don’t have many. I’m easy going and as you know I’ve moved country’s before so a relocation to another province seems like a drop in the bucket to me. I mean at least we’d still be in Canada.

I mentioned it to my parents, and my mom felt like it would be good, although she told me she cried after the phone call, which I totally get. It was hard on them when I upped and moved to Africa with their grandkids. My dad straight up told me that he didn’t like it and I shouldn’t do it. Unless I was 30 years invested into the job and my pension was hinged on it, I should just get another job here in the city.

But the thing is, I really have no attachment to where I live. I hate the winters. I don’t like the big city feel. Among so many other factors.

So to be given the opportunity to move to a warmer, smaller town, where I have family already, AND have a job there? Why wouldn’t I jump at that?

Plus at this point having been asked by 3 different people (two bosses and also when K asked if I would consider living there) to move to the same city, kinda seems like maybe I should start listening to the hints the world is trying to send my way.

So for now, it’s just an idea that’s floating around the office, but maybe this is the big move number 3 that the psychic/palm reader was talking about lol.


-Dixie Chicks/Wide Open Spaces-

She Holds The Hand That Holds Her Down She Will Rise Above Don’t Call Me Daughter Not Fit To

So I went for a follow up visit to my Naturopath this morning. And like she asks every 4 weeks when I’m there, she questioned how life is… how are my stress levels, what’s new, etc. And like every previous visit she is shocked by what is going on in my life and how there can possibly be so much change in one month.

My digestion, in my very humble opinion, was getting better for a little while. I think at least. But then since my last visit, just to much went on in my life and it took a definite turn for the worse. I found my stomach rumbling constantly and I was headed to the washroom every couple hours just like old times.

So after going over my Dr’s notes with her, and comparing our timelines, we basically realized that my digestive issues are pretty much directly related to the amount of stress in my life. And since we all know I have a constant level of stress… well we can imagine how well I digest my food and get any nutritional value from anything I eat.

So once again she recommended a few meditation apps and did a few switches to the treatment I’m taking. Then I also got a concoction of vitamins shot into my rear and I was on my way.

Well not quite. We did also discuss my mother a little first. I didn’t really want to out my mom to my Dr as my Naturopath knows my mom, since she used to be a patient. But in taking about what was stressful in my life right now I did say my mom, which led her to say ‘What now?’ Yeah… my mothers been a reoccurring theme at that office lol. So I decided to explain to my Dr what the issue was and she was shocked.

Shocked that my mom would support not only Trump but the whole situation. I did explain that I’m not sure if my mom still supported Trump, being that I haven’t had a conversation with her since last week, but even the fact that she did, and said she had said that I was the one with the problem was enough for my Dr. And to be honest, I kinda felt good hearing that from another person.

Until now, I haven’t discussed this issue with anyone in my life. I blocked my mom on Facebook and haven’t answered her calls this week. I just felt I needed some time to decide where I want our relationship to go from here, if we even are to continue with one. So when my Dr was shocked to hear that my mom was behaving like she is, I felt justified in a way. Like almost that I’m not being overly sensitive. That I should be offended, and I should take a stand on this, and to not back down.

Basically for the first time in this situation I felt more confidence. Because a wiser/older/smarter individual was thinking along the same lines as I was, and agreed with what I had to say. So I just appreciated that moment. She did give me some advice, asking first if I wanted it and saying she didn’t want to over step her boundaries hoping it wasn’t to much (which I appreciated) and suggested that I ask whichever ‘being’ I pray to for guidance. I told her that I stopped going to church a couple months ago, and she said she doesn’t believe in the principle of church either, but that there’s obviously good and evil. And that something might be controlling it all, so it wouldn’t hurt to throw a ‘prayer’ out for guidance on how to handle this situation so I’m not overwhelmed by it.

So I appreciated her help… but I’m still not sure about the praying thing. I’ve been there and done that and, well, look at me now.

So I headed home and now had the mom thing on my mind again. Although now I felt more prepared to deal with it. Like I said I felt a little more confidence now that I knew… well at least felt like I was on the right side of the fence.

So once I got home I felt the urge to call my sister R, to see how she felt. R and my mom? Not the best of friends. They never really were but it completely broke down one year when I was in Kenya, although I don’t know all the details, because I only heard it from my mom over the phone, but… here goes….

Since R is married, she obviously had to spilt holidays between us and her husband J’s family. Well I guess this one Christmas, because of scheduling (plus my mom being pissed at me for being out of the country) it was becoming difficult for mom and R to pick a time/date that would work for everyone to meet for Christmas. So what did my lovely mother do? Uninvited R and her family to Christmas.

So, I decided to call R to see how she handled keeping mom at a distance. Omg. She hadn’t even answered the phone yet and I’m getting all emotional. As soon as she said hi? I started crying. That damn vitamin shot. Every time I take it, it makes me so emotional, it’s ridiculous, which I forgot about until I’m bawling on the phone with R. She’s asking if I’m ok and I’m trying to explain that I’m fine, and nothing’s wrong, but I’m seriously crying so hard I sound like a seal giving birth.

So I take a solid two minutes to pull myself together, and manage to get out that nothing’s wrong, so she doesn’t panic. Once I’m in control again, I reassure her it’s nothing crazy just mom and she does the whole ‘Ohhh, go ahead’

So I explained pretty much what I posted here about how I told my mom the things she was constantly posting on Facebook were over the top and maybe she should step back and think a little more before posting things that could be construed as racist next time. I told R that as of right now mom is blocked and I’m not sure where to go from here.

So R’s advice is pretty much what I was moving towards.

She said leave her blocked, because if she doesn’t understand by now she won’t change. But as far as removing her from yours and the kids life entirely? That’s pretty extreme. She recommended doing like she does. Have a surface relationship with mom. Nothing to deep. If mom invites you for a two hour lunch, say you only have time for a 30 minute coffee. And as far as what influence she may have on the kids? Ultimately she loves the kids and would never want to hurt them, which I know. But in regards to morals and values that she may teach them? If she does spend time with little E and Z and they learn something from her that goes against what I am teaching them, it is my job to show them differently. As it will be when they as presented with alternative opinions from any other source outside our home.

So essentially as their mother I have to show them the way I think is truest, but I can’t just hide them from the world. They will see these issues and difficulties and opinions eventually. So I might as well use it as an opportunity to teach my children. For starters that everyone has different views on things and we don’t have to agree, and we can think they are wrong, but we don’t have to let the differences cause arguments. We can just choose to spend less time with those people and more time with the individuals who are more like minded, not like looking.

-Pearl Jam/Daughter-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog ūüėé.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

My Friends All Tell Me Maybe I Should Seek A Psychic They Tell Me Just Beware I May Or May Not Like It

So, take this with a grain of salt, but I went for my first time to see a psychic today. I booked an appointment originally for a chakra healing session and then after that was done I decided since I was there to throw in a palm reading since… well I was there and curious so why not.

So for the healing session, I laid on her table and she had all the music and incense going. Then she laid her crystals on me and told me to relax. More. MORE. Bitch this is me totally relaxed! Like I’m breathing calmly, laying still, I honestly don’t know how to relax more than this! I hate when people tell me to relax, since I hardly ever get worked up. I’m pretty homeostasis all the time. Even if my steady state is a tense stressful state… that’s how I stay lol.

Anyways she started her thing, and spent a lot of her time focusing on my ankle, which made me chuckle inwardly. She’s probably thinking I’ve got tons of ‘blocked energy’ there but in reality, I twisted it on Monday night and it’s just been messed up and swollen since. I figured if she knows what she’s doing, like if she’s the real deal, she’ll figure it out on her own, and I ain’t saying nothing.

So she spent maybe 45 minutes doing her thing with her hands and the crystals and whatever else she did, I can’t really say since I had my eyes closed and was trying to ‘relax’ ūüėí. But then she removed the crystals and said when I was ready to come over to the table.

I felt very stiff and… heavy? Yeah heavy, while trying to get off the table. It actually took me 2 tries since I couldn’t move my arm the first time it was so heavy. But I made my way to the table and she started to explain what she ‘felt/sensed/saw’ with me.

For starters, she told me my chakras are very balanced, and overall I’m a well-balanced person, with no major ‘blockages’ anywhere. There was only one thing she really noticed which was a feeling of disappointment in my emotional chakra. So now I’m starting to thing this lady might actually know a thing or two.

She went on to say she saw something she’d never seen before which was feathers falling all around me in a bright white light. So she didn’t know if that represented angels or spirituality but that somehow I was very connected to the spiritual world and in a way enlightened.

I recently had an ‘experience’ and thought it might be a little too ‘out there’ to share with everyone here, but at this point, why hide? Especially since it’s so relevant to this. So this happened maybe 2-3 weeks ago while I was laying in bed one night. I have, as you all know, been really in search of ‘more’. I had stopped going to church and I didn’t want to just be wandering with no direction, so I really wanted a connection. Too feel like the decision I made was a solid one, or the right one to say the least. So I’m laying in bed a few weeks ago and relaxing (however relaxed I can get lol) while really thinking about the meaning of life and desiring more. Everything more. And then it flooded over me.

It was like waves rushing over from the centre of my body floating out from my head to toward my left side, yet my right side was unaffected. It continued for about 5-10 minutes, this rippling effect, like it was peeling layers from my left side away again and again and it was so welcomed and refreshing and I knew in that moment that, yes there was something out there, and I had… I’m not sure… ‘connected’ somehow?<<<<<<<<
enlightenment if you want, you can me crazy or ridiculous or cracked, but it's made me realize that there is a whole 'force' or whatever and to me, it was a good experience.

So back to today, when my psychic was saying she saw feathers and light around me, something she'd never seen. She told me she felt that I was connected and enlightened and I appreciated that. It somewhat confirmed my moment a few weeks back. Don't worry though, I'm not going to go and become some enlightened yogi or something like that lol. It just solidified what I had felt in my own moment of discovery, kind of like yeah C, you've reached a place many don't, keep at it.

So as far as what she saw in my chakra, that was about it. She said everything else is very balanced, and firm. She said I'm a strong independent individual and there was nothing standing out that seemed to draw her attention. Her words were that I was strong and firm yet light and airy. Very joyful, yet firmly rooted.

I'm very aware of myself and so if there were issues within, I would've dealt with them myself previously.  I'm very witty and pardon my humble brag but I'm hilarious.

And as far as the disappointment she felt, well yeah. I'm well aware of the disappointment. And I know exactly what it's stemming from.<<<<<<<<
e chakra done, I asked her to do the palm reading. I felt she had been pretty accurate so far so why not try to see a little of what's to come?

<<<<<<<<
as interesting. And kinda exciting and disappointing at the same time lol. Like I said I've never been to a psychic before, and I've definitely never had my palm read (I'm so vanilla) but she got right on it. Apparently, my hands say A LOT!<<<<<<<<
, on my lifeline, the one near my thumb with all the crossed lines at the top… well all those intersecting lines represent difficulties in my life. She was shocked to see so many but reassured me that they lessen out and then asked me my birth date. She then pulled out a notebook and did some number crunching which made no sense to me (probably for the best) and came up with 'my numbers' which are apparently 3+6+9. So with that she sees my lifeline steady out around 30 (I'll be 30 in October) and predicted that most of my "struggles" or major difficulties will have passed by then. At the bottom of my life line it branches out a few times (3) though which she suggests could represent a few significant 'moves or relocations'. I told her I've already moved once to Africa, then back, and she said with living here plus there, she sees one more significant move or relocation in my life, but not for a couple of years.

Moving on, (toward the left on my picture) she said my line representing success in business and finances was very prominent and had a few 'bumps/triangles coming off of it which meant basically according to her that I will be quite successful in that regards with the triangles representing large increases like work bonuses, raises etc. That's always good.

Now. The line horizontal to my fingers… with the zillion little x's intersecting it? Yep. That's my love line lol. She said she's getting a block on the line right now. I was like you and me both sister. Then, the thing that bothered me most about the whole visit was what she said next.<<<<<<<<
he sees 3 major relationships on this line. (Tiny ovals near the outer edge mixed with the x's). Then she said this doesn't include like 1-2 dates with a guy, but real relationships (what, does this chick read my blog lol). So what now? I consider obviously W, and then E 'real relationships'… so I guess since W is dead, and NO WAY I'm getting back with E, ¬†Does K count? Or because we've never been official than I have one chance left?

So then we moved on to the very left side where she was impressed to see many travel lines (along the left outer edge) She said she's had some people with none or just a few, but I have more than normal. I figured that makes sense since I've done lots of traveling, and have a desire to do much more.

So when she did a recap, she said she sees a major move, but not for a couple of years (2-3) I'll be quite successful business wise, and with that financially too. She said this was most likely because I am a very independent person, with a strong creative streak and also a deep line showing intelligence. Also she threw in there that I have a knack for writing (hay thanks ūü§ó) and it might help with my success. She thinks 30 will be a better year for me, and then mentioned that between the ages of 23 and 26 looks like it was especially difficult. I was 26 when I made the decision to leave E so yeah you could say those years of 'marriage' were difficult. And she said that my lifeline looks pretty clear from now on with most of the struggles in the past now. The love line is the one that is quite complex. Girl preach. She closed by saying there is a hold on it for now (the love line) but in about 1.5-2 years it will steady out and to be patient. Then she reiterated the 'major move' in 2-3 years, and that was that.

My thoughts? To be honest I went in mostly sceptical, but also willing to be open, I mean I went, right? But as she started talking even before the palm reading I felt she had a good sense of what she was doing. She wasn't WAY off the mark on anything. Again that's the reason I decided to continue the palm reading.ll I live my life based on what she told me? Nope. Will I make my life decisions during the next few months with what she said in the back of my mind? I'd like to say no, but the words have been said and they will always be lingering in my subconscious.r now, I'm just trying not to put faces in any of the situations she mentioned and just let whatever happens, happen.t I will say that I don't regret it. It was for sure interesting and I didn't feel creeped out by her or that she was a total fraud at any point. Although for now, I heard what I heard, and don't feel I need to go rushing back for my next 'session'. Now or ever.


-Vanessa Hudgens/Psychic-

She’s All Through, Life’s Not Blowing Her Kisses Thanks To You

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CbaxKcxtPY4

Woooooow. I had an interesting night to say the least lol. It started Friday night when I had my 4 nieces sleepover and it was chaotic with 6 kids in my little townhouse (that's being kind). Then I drove them the half hour – 45 minutes back to their house during which we played a bunch of old school music my sister had in the car that I remembered from when I was about … oh 14-15? The kids loved it since I guess my sister doesn't blast the music and sing and dance like no ones looking in the car like me… to each their own lol. Anyways we had this one on repeat just like when I was a teen, and it stuck with me…

After I dropped the girls off, my kids and I went to a friends house and did up a couple of batches of jam, well she and her eventual mom in law did. (Face it, your gonna get married) and I just kinda dinked around like a useless blob in the kitchen but it was fun. Another old co-worker was there and it was fun to just have some girl chat and catch up on some gossip from my old job.

I ended up leaving her house with a bunch of fresh jam, AND some fresh mushrooms. You know what it is.

So my kids were exhausted from having two sleepovers in a row ( the one night at my parents and then the cousins at my place) so they feel into bed by 6:30. Z actually wanted to sleep by around 5 but I didn't want her up at like 4 in the morning so it was a big effort to keep her awake until even 6:30. By 6:45 they were both snoring heavily and I had brewed my first cup of shroom tea.

Taste? Totally fine. Effect? Absolutely nothing. I waited an hour… no go. So I got impatient and just ate two. I figured if the two I brewed in the tea did nothing then let me try this. Plus I know how much it takes for me to get drunk or high with weed so I was pretty confident I would be ok.

About an hour, maybe an hour and a half later while was literally reading up on the effects of mushrooms and what to expect etc, and my phone started glowing, and the words started… I dunno the words were coloured? Lol it was great.

But even more than that I had amazing self discoveries.

Nothing like how to solve world hunger or anything but I did end up writing this letter.

And, I feel good about it.

So here's an insight into my mind… high on mushrooms for the first time.

-Tobymac/Gone-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just be a waste of my time and end up a waste of time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was super impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behaviour. And all his actions lead me to believe with really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with made up songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself. Or taking the time to teach little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me. Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

Please Don’t Look At Me With Those Eyes Please Don’t Hint That Your Capable Of Lies I Dread The Thought Of Our Very First Kiss

Maybe my tape measure is faulty, because I can think of no other logical explanation for how every man I’ve recently met recently whose profile said they were 6 feet plus, turned out near my height or as was the case last night, MUCH shorter. I’m 5’9, unless, like I said, every tool I’ve ever used to measure my height was faulty, then men just lie about their height, as if that’s not something noticeable the woman is going to pick up on ASAP. If you feel you MUST lie about something, lie about your shoe size or how many cars you own, or tell me some sad sob story about how your long lost brother died when you were 12 and so you do charity work in his name… just not something obvious that I’m going to be able to call you out on the minute I see you! Common!

So it started off, this guy I’ve really casually been chatting to for a couple months asked me out for coffee last night. My kids were spending the night at my parents (Woooo party ūüéČ lol) and so I agreed. Turns out he lived really close and so we picked a coffee shop nearby and a time and that was that.

I decided to walk to the Timmys since it was close by and I just wanted a nice stroll without kids and a chance to clear my head before I met the guy. Basically it was my pep talk time lol. I’d hardly done this before, so since I had about 5 minutes to get ready I brushed my teeth, rolled on some deodorant, went pee and that was the extent of my ‘date’ prep. I threw on my chucks, still in the same clothes I wore to work, stuck in my headphones and headed out the door. Hey I figured if you only give me 5 minutes to get ready, how good can you really expect me to look lol?
The whole 20 minute walk I’m going over scenarios in my head, while reminding myself that if I don’t like him I can leave, and I don’t owe him anything.

So I got to the coffee shop and met the guy. First impression? Eh. I knew right off the bat he was not the one. I found myself comparing him to other men and not liking many aspects of his personal appearance as well as mannerisms. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great guy and we got alone just fine, like I had a decent night, but no thanks, I’m not interested in doing that again.

He was sitting in a booth so I walked in and sat across from him and we said our hi’s and all that awkward stuff. Then he asked me what I wanted and I gave him my order and then excused myself to use the washroom quickly. I just wanted to regroup and also I’ve been drinking so much water lately that after the walk my bladder was going to burst.
I came out and he was still in line so I joined him and our turn was up. He ordered for us, remembering my order like a pro and we kept up the banter no problem. The problem though? Is that I found myself slouching so that I didn’t seem so tall. It was weird, but subconsciously I feel like if a man goes to such lengths to lie about his height, he must be worried about it, so let me support him by not ever seeming taller than him or something… ridiculous I know, but while we were waiting for our teas I realized a few times that I wasn’t standing as I normally would. Instead my legs were more spread or my shoulders dramatically slouched. I think he noticed it to, since he was constantly leaning on things as if he could defend his height lie by saying oh I’m taller than this it’s because I’m leaning or sitting on the edge here etc.
But moving on lol. We got our drinks and then we road tripped to Costco. But nooooo not the 2 right near us, we had to drive to the one way on the other side of town… because, I realized later, 2 buddy’s of his worked in the liquor store at that location and I think he just wanted to be seen with me.
So we spent over an hour browsing Costco for about 6 items he needed. That’s it. What a waste of time!
I get it was supposed to be fun, but he just kept pushing the cart so slowly OR WORSE stopping it for like 5 minutes in the middle of the busiest aisle to talk… about nothing! Well that’s a lie. He spent a good solid 10 minutes telling me literally everything he eats in a day. ūüėę. At one point in that conversation I actually told him I was bored with it (rudest thing I’ve ever done on a date) and he said I know but I’m almost done… and kept going! He used to be a really heavyset guy and over the last 3 years or so I guess he’s lost about 50 pounds, which is great! But I don’t need your detailed meal plan. Like not only did he tell me WHAT he ate, but also portion sizes (ounces and everything) and how he prepared it. It was excruciatingly boring to listen to.

So then we went and browsed the books and movies section where we saw the CD/DVD’s that teach you to speak another language. So we talked about that for a minute and he’s like I’ve always wanted to learn a different language, I should get one. I’m just thinking like dude, don’t get one. If you haven’t bought one by now, you don’t need it/won’t use it, don’t buy it just to impress me. But I kept my mouth shut. Turns out, yep he’s apparently going to attempt to learn Spanish ūüėŹ. Sure he is. That CD is going to sit unopened in his house forever, but that’s not my problem.

Then we finally made it out of Costco and next door towards the liquor store. I’m not a big drinker but he DEFINITELY is. He kept discussing this alcohol vs. that alcohol and the benefits of one compared to the other. It was just another boring conversation. Then he met his 2 friends that I guess he hits up the gym with and he was polite about it, he didn’t chat it up with them forever it was a simple quick hey how’s it going what’s up kinda thing. Then he bought about $400 worth of alcohol. 400. W. T. F. Dude? Is this a normal Thursday night for you? Or how often do you do this? Or is this a one time impress C move? Cause I’m more concerned than impressed to be honest! But whatever your not my responsibility.

Anyways, we got into the car and at this point we didn’t really have a destination and he was just driving in the direction we came. I hate that. I don’t just ‘go for drives’ I think it’s pointless and a waste of gas. When I drive I have a destination or I at least know like let’s go for a drive around the city… then I know once we finish the loop around the city we’re done and we go home. But the whole just drive thing… no. Not for me. So I was like just head to my place, mainly based on the fact I needed to know where we were going. Once we got to my house a massive storm had started and we sat in the car for a while chatting.

I didn’t really want to invite him in but I didn’t really want to be rude and not… so I was like oh, you probably have to get that meat home and in the fridge… or did you want to come in? What time do you have to get up for work again? Knowing he gets up at like 4 AM.
So I did my part lol and he politely declined my lame invite and said yeah he had to get home or he would have come in for sure. Next time definitely. I was like that’s assuming there is a next time but whatever. I thanked him for the night and then ran into my house through the rain… oh he did offer me an umbrella but I honestly didn’t want to have any reason to have to see him again so I turned it down, besides what’s a little water right? I won’t melt. At least I haven’t yet.

He texted me about 15 minutes later something about getting home through the storm ok, and he tried to continue the conversation for a bit, but I honestly just wanted to chill and maybe watch some tv or sleep, so I wasn’t to responsive.
So to be fair, it was a pleasant enough night, but one I don’t want to repeat. So the next day I politely as possible texted him and explained that he was a nice guy and I had a good time, but he just wasn’t what I was looking for and I didn’t see it going anywhere. Then I wished him all the best.
Better luck to the next one.


-Blink 182/First Date-

Wake Me Up When It’s All Over. When I’m Wiser And I’m Older.¬†

As we were preparing to get married, E shared a “tradition” from back home that he wanted us to partake in. This might be difficult to explain as it’s regarding names and I try to avoid them, as well as the fact that the “tradition” turned out to be 100% fake, and we did something that I’m, to this day, trying to remedy because E felt like making up some random story just for shits and giggles.

The tradition he told me went something like this… and keep in mind at this point, I’d never yet been to Kenya, and I had no reason to doubt anything E was saying, because quite frankly I never thought anyone would be capable of making up stuff as extreme as this just… well just because I guess. I’ll never actually know why he did it.

Anyways, he told me that when a man gets married, at least in his tribe, it was custom for him to drop his last/surname and have his middle name became his new last name. So from that point on, he’d only be known by his first and middle name.

So if I was dating a Billy Frank Smith, when we got married he would still be known as Billy, but our new last/surname would be Frank, and Smith would be out of the picture. He said then as a man, you would be starting your own family and be more removed from your Dads ‘tribe’. Also, to make it even more complex, the middle names were to be chosen from a limited group of ‘family’ names. So that the man could still be recognized as part of this certain tribe. He said they do it this way so that as a man gets married it is his way of starting his own tribe/family.

I hope I’m explaining it well, because trust me it was confusing as heck to me. Probably because it’s not a tradition that his tribe had been following for centuries or has ever done. It was something E made up in his mind. But I trusted him, because this was the man I was going to marry so I figured he was telling the truth, and I had no reason not to believe in him.

Therefore at our wedding we had to make it known during a speech to explain how we would be known as Mr and Mrs M. instead of the expected original Mr. and Mrs. S that everyone was expecting. Since E was still dealing with immigration issues though and both of our names were on so many of those documents at that time as our maiden names, neither of us changed our names at that point, which was for the best. The person it has affected most though, is little E.

When I became pregnant with him, more about this whole name thing was ‘explained’ to me by E. About how the middle names should be chosen from selected tribe names etc. At this time, our plan was that we would be moving to Kenya and living there on a more permanent basis, and I really wanted my kids to fit in as much as possible and was counting on E’s advice to make that happen. So E supplied me with a list of about 5-7 male names from his family tree that we had to choose from for little E’s middle name, that, according to E would one day be his last name once he married. We settled on a name that sounded good when said start to finish “little E, then the chosen middle name (also started with M) then the last name M’ that we would all have one day once we finished our paperwork. So it was decided. I thought. Until literally 5-10 minutes after I had given birth to little E and I was drugged up and totally out of it and E decides to ask if we can change everything we had previously decided on.

Instead of the original E.M.M, for the newly born baby boy, he wanted little E to be named E.S.M. So that little E’s middle name would be E’s current last name starting with S. So that when little E gets married and drops the last name of M, he will have E’s family name of S remaining. Confused? I was too. ¬†I said yes, because I just didn’t care at the time, I was just glad my baby was healthy and I had successfully brought forth life. Plus I had JUST given birth, and was in no position to argue.

So little E now had the initials E. S. M. Not to bad eh? Well, it was fine, until we flew with our little boy to Kenya, where lo and behold, his family and pretty much everyone else in the entire country told me that E was full of crap. They’d never heard of that tradition before. I was mad. Now E has gone and messed with our kids names! And for what???

I confronted him about it and all he could say was that he must’ve been mistaken, and that oh ok, we’ll keep the original S last name like usual. I couldn’t believe it. Did he not realize that now little E has the S middle name and now E says it should be his last name too!?!? Like are you kidding me? Your want our son to be called little E then Smith Smith for example? No thanks.

So I bring it up today because little E has finally chosen a new middle name. He understands that his middle name of S will now be his last name so he can match Z and Dad and Mom and all share the same last/surname and since I am too stubborn and did not want little E to just have his middle name and last name switch place, mainly because I don’t want E to have that small pleasure of having his family name remain after all the chaos his lies caused. So we’ve been taking our time deciding on a brand new middle one. And little E choose it today.

We’ve read through many names and meanings and little E choose the name Theo. It means divine gift and he loves it and although there are others that I might prefer, I don’t mind giving him the lead on this choice as I can see the confidence it gives him. Plus it’s a step up from last summer when he wanted to change it to Tyrannosaurus. Plus if it was that awful I would always veto it. But I think he choose well and I’ll be working on the legal process to change it throughout the coming weeks. Oh and yes, it’s already been documented in the divorce that I can change his name without consent from E, because of the exact reasoning above. So we’re in the clear. Although I did inform E of little E’s choice and he is fine with it.

So, I guess all I can say is I’m not a fan of fake tradition.


-Avicii/Wake Me Up-

I’m Friends With the Monster That’s Under My Bed. Get Along With the Voices Inside of My Head

Once E was served with divorce papers, he called me freaking out. It took over two months for my lawyer and I to get everything straightened out on paper and all the proper documents filled out, before he was actually notified on April 29, 2014. All the time between my flying back from Kenya and him being served, I think he thought I was joking, or just playing a game, hoping he would change or something. I honestly don’t know why he was so surprised that I actually filed for divorce. When I say I’m going to do something, I do it…

But, those papers¬†started a whole myriad of amazing lies on his part.¬† Time after time I was left speechless at the items he put in his “sworn statements.” Things he “promised” were the truth, and it just confirmed to me how much of a liar I’d been married too.

First and foremost, he claimed that he had caught me IN BED with our farm boy that Sunday morning back in January, but no violence occurred,¬†and so he wanted to divorce me because of that. Seriously? At this point E, I don’t even care as long as I get out of this marriage to you. But then it went on to say that I had beat up his mother when I was trying to leave Kenya (claiming she had¬†suffered a concussion) and that the incident with his father and the van never occurred. Oh common.¬†¬†Next, he said that I owed him some $21,000.00 for some reason. Haha for real? Dude, you haven’t held a long-term¬†steady job our entire relationship! I’ve paid for¬†practically everything in our lives, meaning houses/land, cars, and multiples cross-continental trips every time you had a whim that you wanted to move back and forth between Kenya & Canada. If anything you owe me a ridiculous sum of money. But¬†I wasn’t asking for money. All I wanted was a life free from E. As soon as possible.

Life never works out like that though. Because after I left E, his mental health deteriorated quickly. He slowly stopped answering phone calls, and even texts became too much for him. He started missing meetings with his lawyer which delayed everything even more than necessary. I was on the phone with him one day after not hearing from him for a while. I asked him how he was doing, knowing his past problems with anxiety. He shared with me then, that he was too scared to leave his house to even get groceries. I tried my best to convince him to get help, to find a Dr., or someone he felt comfortable confiding in to talk to, but nothing ever came of it.

Then, a couple of weeks later, he went missing. Not answering calls, or texts. He even missed showing up to a prearranged visit with the kids. So I got worried.¬†Just because¬†I no longer wanted to be the man’s wife, didn’t mean I wanted anything bad to happen to him (or anyone). So the search was on. He had been staying with a guy from work, who said he hadn’t seen him in a couple of days (also mentioned that E owed him rent money if I felt like paying, haha no thanks). I called his work, who said E didn’t show up to the plane to head up to camp for his latest shift. I called some of his family in Kenya, as well as his one brother living in the States… No one had heard from him.

So I ended up calling¬†the police to file¬†a missing person report. I explained that he might be dangerous, and that he didn’t have all his faculties at the moment. They,¬†again, weren’t helpful. They explained that even if they did find him, they couldn’t do anything. E was a grown ass man. If he didn’t want anyone to know where he was, then the police couldn’t inform me of his whereabouts even if they did locate him. Fine. I was just trying to be helpful. It’s the middle of January and I’m thinking he’s out on the streets somewhere, afraid of life and no ones around to help. And I felt bad. During this time, I felt bad for leaving him. I felt like I had been the stability in his life, and maybe if I had stayed with E, then his illness would’ve never progressed to this point. I felt like my leaving him had “pushed him over the edge” so to speak.

But then a phone call came. It was E, and he was on his way across the country. He told me he had sold everything he owed except what fit in one suitcase, and had bought a bus ticket to Ottawa. What??? WHY??? Oh, C. Don’t ask a mentally ill person to explain their actions… because then you get answers like the following.

He felt like people were out to get him, and so he didn’t feel safe where he was. Umm Ok? Why Ottawa though? Two reasons, he has one friend from Kenya who lived there, and the Kenyan Embassy was located there. What the heck is¬†the Embassy going to do? You need a Doctor! I couldn’t hear much else over the phone so our call was ended abruptly since the bus was going through a¬†tunnel of sorts, but I knew he was at least alive. I called his family to let them know where he was and to let the friend in Ottawa know to expect E. I had to then call the police and cancel my missing person report, even though I knew they had been putting zero effort into finding him.

Another month or so went by with no word from E. Until finally one day I receive an email from his email address, but I knew right away it wasn’t him who had written it. “He” asked how the kids were doing and also needed some paperwork from me. I emailed back asking where he had been for the last month, and who was writing his emails and then they whole story came out. Kinda… Well as good as it gets with this man.

After he got to Ottawa, he somehow found his old rugby buddy and stayed with him for a bit. But the “voices” became too much for him. And the paranoia was so bad, that his friend found him one morning sleeping UNDER the bed. So at that point, his friend took him to the hospital. Where he’d been officially diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, depression and extreme anxiety. He was locked up in the pysch ward, fed a¬†concoction of medication, and hadn’t had access to his phone or email¬†until that day, since he had earned access outside the ward.¬†His therapist had helped him write the email to me.

In some ways I felt relieved that he was finally getting help. I felt like it validated my feelings of frustration. Trying for years to make a marriage work. A relationship work. But constantly feeling like I wasn’t getting through. Feeling like he was never listening to me. In a way, he never was. He was listening to the voices in his head. The voices telling him everyone was against him. That I was against him. It explained a lot, and although¬†it didn’t forgive his behaviour, it made me feel like less of a failure. Like I had done all that I could, but he was legitimately ill.¬†I could’ve tried ’til I was blue in the face, but nothing would’ve helped our marriage. Not until he received the proper care he needed, and I and others had continually suggested. And now he was getting it.

E was held in the psychiatric ward for¬†about 4-5¬†months. The doctors called me a few times asking for a little background information, and informing me of his treatment plan. I had to explain many times that we were no longer a couple and that no, I wouldn’t be helping him once he was released. E ended up staying with his friend in Ottawa for about 3 months once he was released from the ward. The Doctors wanted to make sure he was following up on his medication and counselling, letting me know that there is no cure for his condition, and that he would be on medication for life. Also letting me know that¬†a relapse is likely, and that if there was a history of violence, there was a strong possibility of more violence.

E’s friend was fine with having him stay there, but after a while, I could tell that he was getting a little frustrated with E’s extended stay, and I had to break it down to E. He couldn’t live with his friend forever. His friend was married with two kids, and although I’m sure they’d enjoyed this catch up time,¬†he and his wife¬†probably wanted to get back to their own life. E was able to call his old job and get his previous position back for himself, even though his hours/duties had to be modified. I was probably¬†just as glad as his friend was for him to start back at work, because I’d been missing out on child support payments for the last 8-9 months.

Now that E is on medication, he is a little more reliable as far as payments for the kids go, but the meds have changed him. He is constantly tired and has gained a solid 50 lbs. His thinking¬†has slowed dramatically and it’s like talking to a kid. When he does get to see¬†our kids (about once a month) he takes them to the same place and sits there while he watches them play. Actually, now that I think about it… that’s pretty much how he was before minus the weight gain. So not much has changed.


-Eminem/Monster-

I Mean This Is Exhausting You Know We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

So today I was back at the airport for the first time since flying back from Kenya 3 years ago.

I felt like a deja vue kinda thing happening. I had to head out there for work to meet some of the guys we’d recruited for work and it was just a causal meet and greet before they headed for their shift up north, but just being in the airport was weird. The last 8 times I have walked through those doors I was either flying to or from Kenya.

People ask if I will ever go back, and I don’t think I’m strong enough for it. I love Africa, and yes I will go back someday. But not to Kakamega. Most likely not even to Kenya. I have a house there that I designed and paid for, every square inch, and I know people, but I can’t go there.¬† I’d love to travel to maybe Egypt to see the pyramids or something if it ever settles down in the area, or back to South Africa and Namibia again as far as Africa goes. But, no. I will not be going back to Kenya. There are too many memories I don’t want to have too deal with. Denial at its finest.

In the same way I will not be going back to E. He actually had the audacity to send me a text last week asking me to forgive him, and that we get the family back together.

UMMMM What?!??! Are you delusional? Ohhhh wait. Yes, you are. Here I am, just wanting this stupid divorce to be done with and finalized. It’s been over 3 years of back and forth and him. And now he wants to get back together. Like are you daft? It’s not the first time he’s asked me to get back with him, but I honestly can’t believe that after everything I went through, he would think I would want to go back.

E pic

So I texted him back¬†and in the most polite and simple way (I’ve learned to use small words with E) explained that, I have forgiven him as best I can, but that doesn’t mean we will be getting back together.¬† A couple days later I got a call from him and I asked if he understood what I wrote. He said sort of, but he just thought we should be done with this divorce and move on. I told him this isn’t some sort of “phase” I’m going through. The only “moving on” I’m doing is without him. 3 years and he still thinks this is a joke or something.

So I asked him if he thought I enjoyed being his wife, if he thought it was nice for me. He actually said yes. So I asked him to name 3 times it was pleasant for me to be his wife. That’s less than one occasion¬†per year of our marriage.

The phone¬†was silent on his end. A good solid 30 seconds go by before he responds with “That’s a tricky question”

That’s the problem E. It shouldn’t be a tricky question. You can’t even think of ONE time where it was somewhat nice to be married to you. And you think I should do it again? This is your last ditch effort to win me back? Hell. No.

I’ve tasted freedom. And however hard and shitty and difficult and sad and lonely it may be sometimes… most times…It’s infinitely better then being with E.


-Taylor Swift/We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together-