Let’s Go Back Back To The Beginning / I’m Shedding Shedding Every Color Trying To Find A Pigment Of Truth

The other night I woke up from another one of my very real dreams I’ve been having the last few months/years and was hit with the stark realization that I have in fact been on a few lame dates.

I know I’ve complained the entire duration of my blog that I’ve never been on a nice real date, and in my mind the ones I’m about to describe still don’t really tick all the boxes of what a perfect date would be for me, but I woke up feeling like I should give these guys credit and at least appreciate the effort they put in. So here are my two stories.

The first guy I met online, obviously. This was before I met E or was married or anything. I was just a single 19 year old girl having fun. Anyway, he suggested we meet at very reputable wine bar that I’d never been to, but he knew quite well. This guy was fantastic. He helped me with my coat and pulled out my chair for me, while complimenting my appearance. He helped me in deciding which wines to try and ordered a nice appetizer for us to share. Like to be honest it was really sweet. The conversation never lagged and we shared a few jokes. It was good. After we finished up at the wine bar with him insisting on paying since he invited me out, he suggested we go for a stroll in the river valley and I just remember being so thankful that this man had ideas and could lead the date without “let’s go back to my place” being his only suggestion. This man had depth. I was impressed with his career choice, being that he worked for Red Cross and I was still reliving my glory days of the orphanage in Namibia. We were a great match. We spent about 4-5 hours together that night, all of which I enjoyed…and then I didn’t hear from him again. So I assumed it was over. In my mind I had messed it up at some point and he was obviously to good for me being that he was perfect, and that was that. My phone dropped in a toilet a week later and I lost my contacts and I couldn’t even text him first to see what happened. So zero contact UNTIL, I got a call one day after I was married to E and I can’t remember if I was pregnant or had just given birth to Little E, but I know I had a baby on my mind, so who should call like 2 years later but this dude. I guess he was sent out with the Red Cross soon after our date and had been in and out of the country since we met (according to our 1 minute phone call) He said sorry for not being in touch, he’d been thinking of me often, and could we possibly meet up?

Dude. I’m married now. With a kid. No! But even at that point I remember thinking I wish he had called sooner. I wished he had saved me from my poor decisions before I felt trapped in my marriage. But no. I was committed and I wouldn’t cheat. So I basically hung up on him and that was that. Another lost chance, to little to late guys.

Moving on to guy number two that my dream brought up. Oh man this one hurts to remember. It’s like my consciousness is working on reconciling everything it had previously shoved to my subconscious but now… well now I’m working on healing those thoughts. Anyways this one was painful, because I think if I hadn’t had this one phone call with this dude, I might have made many decisions with E differently. I don’t think I would have stayed with him from the get go. But we all know I did so….

The story goes like this. Well not the story, but the reality of my life unfortunately lol.

This guy again I met online. We went out a few times. We knew each other for maybe 3 weeks total until the fateful call? Nothing ever made official. But we went out dancing a couple times, he knew a lot of different clubs in town and every place we went he knew half the patrons in the place which was a little uncomfortable for me since we weren’t together and he was free to roam around and therefore so was I. But it left me in a club with a lot of guys hitting on me which I’m not a fan of, while he was basically off flirting. It was weird. But this was the guy who I sex with all over town. Parking lots, club doorways, public bathrooms, back of his car, front of his car, you name it.  Anyways, he did take me out to dinner once for Malaysian food which was delicious. They served amazing fried rice in a carved out pineapple and the most decadent satays, which I’d never had before but soon became my favorite. And he paid. So pretty much a date right? Anyways because we never made it official and I had issues, I was still looking for something better. And I think I wanted to make him jealous so that he would make it official (look I’m just being honest) So I was still browsing online. Plus it bothered my super low-confident self that he would still flirt with chicks at the bar when he went there with me. So that’s when I met E. I met up with E two maybe 3 times and then got the flu (not from him, just coincidence) and in my very selfish and conceited mind, I felt like maybe the guy/s that were warming my bed would want to warm my throat (not that way, get your mind outta the gutter) but maybe be kind and bring me soup or something. I just wanted someone to take care of me, that’s part of why I was “dating” in the first place. E was at work so he wasn’t available so I called the other guy.

I can’t for the life of me remember the exact wording of the conversation or how I tried to manipulate him, but I remember it backfired tremendously, so good for him. As you can imagine, he wasn’t impressed that I was involved with someone else (not sure how that came up), and I didn’t understand what the big deal was since he made it clear he could mess around so I figured what was good for the goose etc. Anyways I made the comment “you know what kind of girl I am” in response/defense to something he said, trying to indicate that had he made it official, I wouldn’t cheat. But we were just casual, so I held no allegiance to anyone at that point. And he responded with ” I obviously do. Your sneaking behind your mans back tryna to get the best of both worlds” or something darn similar. And it hit me. I’m not the kind of girl who deep down specifically tries to manipulate men. It’s not my mission when I wake up in the morning. I don’t want to be a person who uses people. So I remember thinking I would be different with E. I wouldn’t turn into “one of those girls” And I determined to end my one night stands and make it work with the guy I had.

And we all know how that worked out…. Talk about wrong place wrong time, E turned into my 10 year prison sentence. All in an effort to “not be that girl” I tried like hell to make it work with him.  I’m hoping this is enough punishment to atone for all the guys who feel wronged/used by me in the past.

And although I was a girl who used men to satisfy my sexual desires on many occasions in the past, I can say this for myself. I never coerced any of them. I never forced sex or anything alone those lines on anyone. Men came to me willingly (who wouldn’t 😉 )  and I allowed it. We both walked away satisfied. Just because it hardly ever turned into something long term, doesn’t mean I was using or abusing men. We both mutually benefited and walked away with what we came into the night for. Sexual satisfaction.

So yes, I know what kind of girl I am. I’ve become a very self aware girl who tried to make up for the potential hurt feelings of past men, by trying to make it right with the wrong man, by linking myself to him even when I knew deep down it wasn’t right. And I’ve learned.

I’ve learned that I still very much enjoy sexual satisfaction, but not with random men anymore. I’ve learned that loving the wrong man will not heal the pain of loving the wrong ones. I’ve learned that I need to love myself most.

Which is a long road my subconsciousness will not let me get off of.

My journey to my healing has begun. And I’m good with it.


-Hilary Duff/ So Yesterday-

 

 

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You Used To Call Me On My Cell Phone Late Night When You Need My Love Call Me On My Cell Phone

I know.

My posts have been less than juicy lately. The thing is, my life has been boring af.

My parents were in town like I said, and then I got sick and apart from work, I’ve barely left my house. I have like zero interest in guys because, well I just don’t wanna stir up all that shit again. And so my life is about as interesting as watching a baked potato bake.

I have been trying to make new friends as I mentioned though, and I had been chatting with this one guy recently. I swear to god my first line to him was basically “your not my type, but you seem like a decent guy, with his head on his shoulders, so if your looking for a friend, so am I.” Straight to the point, no leading him on, no flirting (not that I’m any good at that anyways) no playing games, just honest to goodness me trying to make friends. So we’d been texting for maybe 2 weeks and he’d gotten to the point of everyday texting me “good morning babe” or something like that. And I’m just like, do guys not get it? I would keep the conversation completely platonic and discuss work, his schooling, regular life… you know trying to build a friendship and if he moved into that kind of territory I would either ignore it respond with a completely non-emotional text.

Anyways, we were texting this weekend while I was sick and we got on the topic of how to meet new friends, and I asked him (who is also newer to the area, which is one of the reasons I reached out… because both were looking for new friends) apart from stupid dating apps, how do people actually MEET new people nowadays? And he kept replying that you get together face to face with them to see them. I’m like no, your not getting it. Even before that step, like before you have their number to text or call to arrange a face to face meeting, how do you meet new people? And so he’s like “wait”

So I’m like is that you answer? Wait? Wait for what? Life to just magically make new acquaintances appear in your vicinity? Or do you want me to wait for you to come up with a much better answer, because that was lame af.

So then about 30 minutes later he texts back and says ” wait for me, I’m on my way can I please have your address?”

What??? I’m sick! It’s Sunday night and I’m in my sweat pants with my nose running and your driving from a different city? But now saying no would be rude, since your probably halfway here at this point and it’s honestly really sweet that you would come at the drop of a hat. So I reminded him that I was sick and he reminded me that he was a General Practitioner and dealt with colds and flus all the time and it was no big deal.

So I texted him my address and decided to brush my teeth, since I couldn’t remember doing it yet that day and well… my breath was probably atrocious. Then I sat down to wait for us to “meet”

I couldn’t help but thinking while I was waiting how nice it made me feel that he would come like that. Yes, it was uninvited, but deep down, it made me feel… I don’t know, desired? Like he couldn’t keep away? Now I don’t like this guy sexually in anyway, but it made me think this is what I want. The guy for me to just KNOW that I need him to come. Without me having to ask.  I’m delusional, I’m well aware lol.

But then, low and behold, he showed up with a bottle of wine (the most delicious wine I’ve had since I’ve come tbh) and it was then that I knew he was exactly like the other guys. He obviously wanted to get in my pants.

I did my best to keep the conversation strictly friend centered and just have a glass of wine like grown adults should be able to do without fucking. But then he made the move from the armchair to beside me on the couch and I was like, whoomp there it is. Of course he causally put his arm around me and then not so slowly moved in for the kiss which I dodged and it ended up on my neck. So he continued kissing my neck and here I am, a couple of glasses of wine in, trying to figure out the best way to get him to leave without embarrassing him or hurting his feelings because he was actually such a nice guy.

So he keeps trying to kiss me and I keep managing to duck out of it meanwhile wondering why he isn’t getting the hint, and finally I just straight out told him it was time for him to leave. So he put his shoes on and then gave me a long ass hug and left, but not before exclaiming it felt so nice to hold a woman after 3 years.

You guys I ALMOST just broke down and let him fuck me because I felt so bad for him.  Three years? And he was so kind?  Like I’ve slept with so many guys what’s one more? Plus he was so nice. But him? I just wasn’t attracted to, so I kept my no at no, and then he was on his way.

He texted me three times throughout the night. “Thinking of you” and memes about your beautiful heart and being together etc. and so in the morning I had to again repeat what I said from the start. Like dude your a nice guy, like really nice, but I’m just not attracted to you. I’m sure we could be friends, but I’m not interested in any kind of relationship outside of that with you.

Let’s just say I haven’t gotten any good morning text from him since then.

Which sucks because they actually helped my day. Texts like that make you feel at least a little bit valued.

Now it’s back to nothing.

Square one sucks balls.


-Drake/ Hotline Bling-

Here Come Bad News, Talking This And That Well, Give Me All You Got, And Don’t Hold It Back Well, I Should Probably Warn You I’ll Be Just Fine No Offense To You, Don’t Waste Your Time Cause I’m Happy

Update…I’m alive.

Super alive.

Thanks for everyone’s concerns/comments about how I should choose to live my life, but I had a great night.

Go ahead and read while I write a blog that makes me sound like a complete bitch (opposed to all my other ones lol) but keep in mind, he’s the one who kept asking to come… I’m the one who chose him.

It was a good choice. Like all my other previous dozens of guys considering this wasn’t my first time as many of you thought, but thanks for the warnings.

So, he brought some vodka soda’s, we threw on Netflix, some random movie he picked although it’s irrelevant because we didn’t watch any of it, and about half way into my second drink practically 5 minutes into the movie, he asked me I wanted his infamous back rub. Ahhh duh, of course I did. I didn’t just want it, I’d been craving something like it. So I downed my drink and we moved it to the bedroom and he gave me a half decent, partially non-sexual back-rub before I asked him for another drink. I chugged the drink and then I literally just enjoyed over an hour of him rubbing me and him getting me off, while turning him down every time he asked if I wanted him to stick his dick in me.

I told him straight up from the start I didn’t want to have sex, but I selfishly took whatever else he was going to give me in the pursuit of it. It definitely fulfilled my need for human contact, because he tried EVERYTHING, and it was wonderful!

Then, when all was said and done… for me at least, I said he should probably go, which he did.

And I had the best sleep… I woke up with a headache from the 4+ drinks I had but other than that, I’m in a great mood today.

I did my hair and make up this morning, and even wore a skirt to work. Like I actually put in effort to get ready. I feel better. Relieved even. It was a good night. The only downside is that he was a short mother fucker lol. So, I think if I continue this kind of “self-care” lol, it’s 6 foot+ or no go. I just don’t feel like they’re manly next to me if they’re basically the same size or maybe even smaller. Doesn’t mean they can’t be a great fit for someone else! Just not me at close to 5’10.

So thus concludes my update on “How I avoided falling into depression 2018“. Stay tuned for the next chapter… “6 foot 4 or more”    😉


-Pharrell Williams/Happy-

 

I’m Standing Up, I’mma Face My Demons I’m Manning Up, I’mma Hold My Ground I’ve Had Enough, Now I’m So Fed Up Time To Put My Life Back Together Right Now

Well. I have outdone myself.

I once again let fear get the best of me. How, C did you manage to fuck up this time you may be wondering? Fair question, since there are a vast number of scenarios that are probably cascading through your minds if you are a long term reader.

Welp. This time, I managed to push away someone, nay, probably the only one in my life who currently was making any effort of caring for me. The reason? I was scared. Scared of getting to close. Scared of forming any kind of bond. Scared of making a connection that could possibly be broken.

So in my very twisted mind, I figured I should stop it before it even started. Except that it’s not the first time I’ve tried to stop this particular relationship. In fact it’s probably been at least a handful of times I’ve pushed K away, and he keeps gracefully coming back. Which I’m so thankful for.

But that’s my problem. I know I love him. More than I’ve ever loved or thought possible to love anyone ever. And that’s why I’m so scared to let him close. Because I’m so terrified of getting hurt by him. I’m so scared of letting him close, and then him not wanting me. So in my heart, that’s been broken so many times before by other individuals, I feel like it’s better to just take preventative measures. Kinda like let me just stop the hurt before it starts.

I keep pushing him away, and holding him at a distance. Not even holding him there. Just wanting him away, or close by forever. But the thing is, he’s not trying to have a romantic relationship, probably because I pushed him away to many times. He’s literally just trying to be the nicest guy in the world. He just wants to be friends. He just comes over and plays hockey with the kids or watches movies or just chills in general. He just wants to be a guy Little E can look up to, so he wants do take him out to like the Black Panther movie and give Little E a positive black role model. He just wants to chat on the phone and have good conversations.

So what do I go ahead and do?

Tell him I can’t handle that. I can’t have him calling me sweetheart because I don’t want to be his sweetheart, I want to be his wife. I tell him I don’t deserve this level of whatever relationship we have. I want more. I deserve more. Every time he’s here and I have to hold back everything I’m truly feeling for him because the kids are around and we’re not dating, we’re just ‘friends’ I hate it.  I want to be able to just hug him or kiss him at will, not caring who sees because I don’t care who sees. I love him.

But he’s put these boundaries on me because of his feelings and out of respect for me because he doesn’t want me to get hurt. He says he’s not ready to give up things in his old lifestyle, and doesn’t want any harm to come to myself and the kids once he gets involved in those things again. And I can’t handle that it feels like all the control was in his hands. I don’t deserve that. I can’t deal with that.

It’s not that he doesn’t treat me with respect and love, he does. It’s that he’s the only person who ever has. And I love it. But I want more. and I can’t handle not having that.

So I pushed him away. Again. And I doubt at this point he will come back.

Not because I was mean or rude… I don’t think. But basically I told him that yes, I obviously still love him. I always have. And I deserve love back. The way he said he loved me. And I won’t accept anything less. Because I’ve learned to love myself the way he himself told me I deserved. So I know what it should feel like.

But I know everyone has free will and gets to make their own choices. Mine will always be to love K. So maybe it was stupid to push him away. Or maybe it was what I needed to see that I wasn’t getting what I deserved from him.

Either way, I still love him.

And I know what love means to him. He didn’t say it lightly. But when he did, it was the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard, and I will remember all those moments forever.

I love you C, over and over and over.

That will always and forever be my favorite thing I’ve heard.


-Eminem/Not Afraid-

A Lady In The Street But A Freak In The Bed

I just wanna cry.

At myself. At my continuous dumb decisions. At the world. At men. At life right now.

I’m literally overwhelmed. And crying as I type, yet I can’t pinpoint the exact reason why because so many fucked up things continue to occur.

I thought I was done with K after that letter I sent. But then last night his ex girlfriend texts me asking if I’ve heard from him. After a few texts back and forth, I learn that no one has heard from K. Not his brother, not his ex, even his best friend last heard from him the week I did. So now, I’m feeling like a bitch.

I assumed he had made a choice not to call/write me… but what if something has happened to him???? Like honest to goodness what if some of the guys he was telling me about who had it out for him jumped him and he ended up unconscious or worse?
And here I’ve been only thinking about myself. The Ex was tryna say that if he could’ve called he would’ve and that K is the most loyal person she knows… and I know those things. But I’m very insecure, and have obvious trust issues. Plus just based on how we left everything… ‘no strings attached’ and how he said he wasn’t going to call during our last phone call, I was lead to believe he had moved on.

But now, hearing that he hasn’t called anyone! I’m actually concerned about him.
So of course I tried calling the prison where I was told (again) that they don’t give out information on inmates. I explained that no one has heard from him in a few weeks, how are we to know if he’s ok? Like do they contact someone if he gets injured? And the guy on the phone said he couldn’t give out that information.

So I’m literally no better than I was before.

Before he even got sent back, K insisted I move on and not spend his entire sentence waiting for him. He specifically told me he’d hate me forever if I ever visited him. He didn’t want me to have anything to do with his criminal side. He wanted me to be free and live free. I think he knew that if he got sent back, it could be for a few months, or once inside, it could turn into much longer than that. And he didn’t want me waiting on him. I don’t think he wanted to have to be dealing with me while inside either. When he was with me, and the K who was on the inside were two different personas. And that was to save his life. He had to maintain a toughness while incarcerated, and that wasn’t the same K he presented to me. So I think he just needed to keep space between the two. What I didn’t know in the moment was if it was only for while he was in, or if he had decided to turn his back on the K I knew forever.

I spent an entire two days trying to ‘move on’ even though I thought about K a considerable amount of time. I felt like it was do able. I was chatting with Army Guy (one of the guys who DM’s me after my selfie last week/week before) and it helped to focus my attention elsewhere.
Army Guy was very straight forward and seemed to have his shit together. He also wanted to take me out on a date date. Grand promises of steak and lobster dinners. Well to be fair he didn’t promise but he seemed to legitimately want to take me out.

He been out of town fighting the fires in BC for a few days and just got back recently and really wanted to see me. Turns out he lives like 2 blocks from my work and he used to joke about just showing up with coffee for me one day. I 100% told him that would just be awkward.
Try and envision meeting someone you’re potentially going to date, at work for the first time. The uncomfortable hellos in front of coworkers and then what do you introduce them as. Not to mention the whole explaining it all to your coworkers after. No thanks. Not for me.
So, to circumvent that scenario, when he texted me today as I was wrapping up at work, saying he got off early, we made plans to meet quickly at his place before he headed to the gym. Not before promising me he’d ‘behave’ of course. 😐.
So I drove the 2 minutes to Army Guys place and he came down to meet me. Once in his place I got comfortable on the couch and he got me some ice for my ankle, which I twisted pretty badly 2 nights ago. Then we chatted for maybe 5 minutes while he kept getting up and pacing around, all the while trying to hide his boner 😜.

Then he finally stopped pacing and bent over me and kissed me. Well. I don’t mean like a well well well. I mean he kissed me well as in good.
As for me? I would’ve been fine with a good ol fashion make out session, but men for some reason always want more.

So, maybe there was a little more, but obviously not enough. Army Guy had to meet his gym buddy and I basically just wanted my date, so although there was more… there wasn’t MORE. So he asked if I could come back TONIGHT. Yeeeeaaaaah that’s a hard no.

I left with mixed feelings.

I love being kissed and touched and all that good stuff. It’s definitely my love language. So in that sense, I enjoyed my afternoon. But part of me wanted to cry on the drive home. And well, I did a little.
I felt like I had let part of myself down.
I want to be treated like a lady? So I should start acting like more of one.
Army Guy texted me less than 5 minutes after we both drove off and I was completely honest in my response.

So. There it is.

Why can I just be part of an old married couple who plans their sex nights in advance already?
Why can’t I just bypass all this drama. K, Army Guy, and then there’s J who I haven’t even had time to mention yet, but has been trying to get with me for months and for some reason I’ve made plans like 3 times with him and always end up cancelling last minute.

Maybe my fears of being pregnant are true? That would help explain all the emotions I’ve got going on.


-Usher/Yeah-