Time To Take A Stand And Save Our Future Like We All Got Shot / Throwing Up Our Hands Don’t Let Them Shoot Us ‘Cause We All We Got, We All We Got God Ain’t Put Us On The Earth To Get Murdered, It’s Murder

Phew. A lot of emotions. Just a heads up I don’t have a clear plan of what I’m going to write today because there are currently so many things going through my head. I’m just trying to organize my mind so I can get on with my day.

My kids and I have been talking a lot about racism and injustices around the world the last couple days as I mentioned in my last post. We’ve made the decision to all attend a peaceful protest that is taking place in our city tomorrow afternoon to make our solidarity known. I want my kids to know that they don’t have to nor should they ever stand idly by the sidelines when they see someone in need. And this? This is a whole race in need. Yes it effects us directly since my kids have a father who is Kenyan, but more than that I’ve taught my kids simple right from wrong, and the blatant racism that is killing individuals who happen to look like them is MORE than wrong. So we will do our part to change it.

This is a exposure of true character. A time to get off the fence. Maybe you or your family isn’t in danger of being manhandled by police. Perhaps your world is calm and quiet and comfortable. But maybe by joining a peaceful protest or signing a petition, you can make your experience a reality for people of colour. Instead of just sitting and watching the news and seeing protest or riots which some individuals have started, maybe join in with what you can now, so we can solve this issue and not have to have a repeat of this issue years down the road.

I was out for groceries this morning and over heard and elderly couple complaining amongst themselves about how they didn’t like being directed by a East Indian man telling them what till to go to or where to stand / when to unload their groceries. This was due to the Covid -19 restrictions and has been put into place for social distancing reasons.

All I could think was imagine having those ‘restrictions’ your whole life times 100 or more. That kind of segregation or separation from better opportunities. From higher paying jobs. Better health care. Imagine being looked down on for something you were born with. Imagine people thinking you were a threat as you went about your daily life? You might start to resent it a little to. You might have a little built up frustration in you too.

Then imagine there was a movement that unfortunately started because police officers did not enforce any law as is their job, but have continually killed people that looked like you. I could imagine you would at that point step in to join that movement for change in whatever form it took. So if you are still on the fence on this one, on the fight for justice for black lives because you think it doesn’t effect you or think it’s fine to just chill on the couch while others take up the cause, you’re dead wrong.

This is reaching worldwide. The world you are part of. It’s our opportunity to obliterate racism and not only make a change for the better but chose the best. I can assure you that the society we live in is nowhere near the best in its current form. We need all people on board. It’s either you support a change, or you are against it, or you have no thought either way.

Do you want to be known as someone who just lets the racist possibly succeed because you stood on the fence? On or off. For or against. Make your position known.

Killer or human.


-The Game/Don’t Shoot-

For 400 Years You Had Your Knees On Our Necks A Garden Of Evil With No Seeds Of Respect In America’s Mirror All She Sees Is Regret Instead Of Letting Blood Live They Begging For Blood Let

Here’s a text conversation I never thought would have to take place.

As a mom, I talk about it all with my kids, as most of my readers know by now. We’ve discussed drugs. We’ve talked about God and religion. We’ve had in depth chats about where babies come from and the intimacy of relationships. But today I had to have a discussion with my kids about racism and how it killed #georgefloyd and countless others. I had to look my young children in the eye and tell them how the fears and miseducation of others could potentially effect their lives one day.

Now as much as it made me want to die a little inside to have this talk with my kids, and see them try and process why anyone would be so idiotic to hurt another human based on their skin tone, it’s nothing in comparison to the pain and hurt that the family of George Floyd is experiencing. It’s nothing to be a little uncomfortable in my house to try and teach my kids how to behave if they ever encounter a police officer that is not the kindest. Don’t talk back, don’t give sass. Or if they are in a situation with an individual who is treating them differently based on how they look, they need to know that is a poor reflection on that person, not on my kids themselves. I can deal with that awkwardness if it saves their life.

What I couldn’t deal with, is not talking to them, and having this situation become something that produces anything like the tragedy that we’ve witnessed in the States.

It’s not my place to determine how the battle is fought, or what feelings they should feel. What I will do is support the change. I will use my voice to make this movement known and let the world know that I most assuredly support #blacklivesmatter . I will continue to educate myself on ways to help, and move forward in doing so in ways I feel are healthy and beneficial. I have signed petitions to bring the officers involved in George Floyd’s death to justice, as well as others dealing with past instances of police brutality, where officers are still walking free. How we come together and support is always up to us individually, but by keeping quiet it may seem like you support the oppressor. I for one would hate for years down the road to have my children (mixed race or not) ask me to my face what I did, or didn’t do in this time if I failed to contribute. Did I allow the suffering of humans to continue without making ANY effort to change the world that is ours for the better? We don’t know what will become of this but I can only hope we as a society will move forward in a more positive direction as we see the value of human life, and more people start to contribute to the teaching and growth of this movement instead of sitting in complacency.

People should not kill people.

Wether you agree with how the anger and pain and frustration is being vented or not, I KNOW you can agree with that statement.

People should never kill people.

And we need to support the ones who are being killed, because as a white person, my skin protects me. So I choose to join with those who are at risk based on their skin tone. We need to join our voices with them and let them speak and have their say.

#blacklivesmatter #useyourvoice #educateyourself


-LLCoolJ-

My Mama Loves, She Loves Me She Gets Down On Her Knees And Hugs Me She Loves Me Like A Rock She Rocks Me Like The Rock Of Ages

*** UPDATE *** I’ve linked my Instagram for pictures. Relevant to the post 😁****

Totally not the topic of my post but I’m at Starbucks writing this morning, since I’m meeting with a friend. Normally when I come and write here, I order my drink in a porcelain cup, you know to save the environment and not use a plastic cup and lid. So I order as per usual, and the barista says they aren’t serving in to-stay cups because of the corona virus. Like what? How will me not a WASHABLE MUG, that should be sanitized thoroughly with hot water and soap be helpful? Sure you don’t want to touch my germs (that I don’t have, since I’m not carrying the virus), but I would place the mug in a wash bucket/bin for you and you use gloves to put it in the dishwasher…. I truly fail to see the benefit of not serving drinks in them during this time other than adding to our pollution.

However, lol. That’s not the point of my blog today. Just a thought I have while writing. Another thought, was I figured out how to edit/make new paragraphs on Little E’s IPad, so I’m moving up in the world. Lol. What’s actually on my mind today, is the facts that we as a family went to the dentist a little while ago. While we were there the hygienist, who is of Asian decent (not normally a factor but plays into the story in a minor way, as a minority in our town plus with her accent) made a comment to me. She’s a very kind woman, maybe late twenties, early thirties with no kids of her own. We’ve been to the dentist a couple times now since moving so we’ve been chatting a bit, I mean as much as you can while your mouth is stuck open while your teeth are being cleaned. So this time, as I was on my way out she said, word for word as it made such and impact on me: “So you adopted your two kids” With such a sweet smile and an air of, oh what a kind thing I’d done to adopt two siblings of colour who must have been from a foreign country and probably are so much better off with me. I must be such a good lady, to have saved them from whatever war zone or something like that. Like I’d rescued them. That sort of tone/look on her face. So I figured if she was going to push the boundaries and make such a statement that was so inconsiderate, and thoughtless, then well… 🤯 I responded with: “No, they’re mine, I grew them in my belly and pushed them out my own vagina. Thanks for asking.” She was so red, rightfully so. And rushed to say it was because they don’t look like me. Ok. Ok, ok okaaaay. I know my kids aren’t like spitting images of me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be considered or thought of as much their mom as other parents who are moms and dads of kids who aren’t mixed race, or look more similar to their children. Or that obtuse people can judge my kids heritage and make them feel like they don’t belong. In fact, I may be more involved in my kids lives than many other parents who look more like their kids than I do. Looking the same as someone doesn’t automatically make you more a parental figure than me. Parenting takes time and effort. It takes imparting wisdom and listening to their deepest fears and helping the kids work through them. It takes years of hard work, trying to figure out how to pay for extra curricular activities on a single mom budget and nights crying alone in bed worrying about their future. It takes hours praying for them, hoping they will make good choices for their own lives, while knowing you can’t protect them from everything, but wishing you could. It takes prepping three meals a day, seven days a week and about a zillion snacks for years, which I’m sure continues even after they move out. It takes holding your tongue when they bring home friends you don’t agree with, then having conversations with them later about being an influential figure not the one influenced. It’s about wiping tears and giving hugs even if your hurting to. It’s about helping with homework even if they teach math stupidly now. It’s about 7:00 am Saturday morning hockey games and Sunday afternoon dance recitals. It’s about showing them love and connection. Its about teaching personal hygiene and sexual education and loving others as well as personal boundaries. It’s helping little humans self discover who they are and teaching them it’s ok to change, or not know. It’s explaining to them when to say sorry, and when to stand your ground. It’s helping them learn about emotion and safe ways to express them. It’s about creating a home environment where they feel safe to come home to when nowhere else in the world is listening to them. The list goes on, and for me, it’s about doing it all by myself. So, yes these are my biological kids, but I think being a parent can be for anyone who has consistently put in that effort, time and love into a child who needs it. So was I offended when the hygienist said that? Not so much offended as shocked. I just figured that in this day in age people wouldn’t be out making statements about others life’s so blatantly, without and background information or invite. Do I blame here for thinking that? Not necessarily, since she’s not far from the truth. My kids and I don’t look a ton alike. What I would do though, is caution her from making those comments so haphazardly in the future again. Other individuals may not take her tactless comments so lightly. I am basically the only parent my children have known, and I will teach them that looks now, and in the future will never matter. Because it is 100% on the inside what matters. -Loves Me Like A Rock/Paul Simon-

It’s A Beautiful Day And The World Is Bright ‘Cause You Took Me Away From The Longest Night What Can I Do But Give All I Have To You

So I read one more article on Kundalini this week after my awakening experience (link here)       https://sahajayoga.dk/2017/09/the-three-channels-pastfuture-and-present/

It related exactly to everything I was trying to explain. How my mind seemingly split into three channels .and what each one felt like. While the article details that it can happen instantaneously, and yes it did, the flow and healing my body and mind experienced, lasted closer to 20-30 seconds before I felt I was swirled back into my individual self again.

I know it seems like I talk about this a lot now, but to be honest, my mind is always considering it now. I think that is the main focus of the awakening. To create a self that is always aware of more from that point on.

Yes, I go to work and care for my kids in the same manner as before, but in a sense it is new and fresh and I am different. I am now aware of a new connection and have a deeper knowledge. Not only am I aware of it, but it’s continually allowing me to learn the fact that my knowledge of it will forever more be growing. Learning more of the expanse of God and the creator and the presence that is always with us and connecting us. Not only am I able to know more, but it allows me to fear less. As I know have the knowledge of understanding that God leads the way. This beautiful birth of love has been created from within the depths of the soul and is constantly flourishing in a new and healthier way with each breathe I take.

It’s a beautiful way to live.

And I’m thankful each moment. Especially as someone who was prepared to die. No I was not suicidal, but it was as if life had begun to lose it’s luster. I had to dig so deep to find a purpose and a meaning and a reason. And now to see that my meaning and reason could be just to heal and feel this freedom. To feel each breath and each heartbeat. Knowing that? Knowing I’ve been sent to feel love in its fullness?

It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

And it’s perfect.


-Everything / Delirious-

I Heard Her Praying / And The Tears That She Shed Still They Still Linger In My Head

Heads up, on Little E’s iPad again so prep for an awful lay out since I’m not tech savvy enough to attempt to figure out how to fix this. Each time I click return to start a new paragraph it starts a new post instead 🤔. Okay, so last night…. last night last night last night. Woooooooweee. To start, yesterday I was doing a little reading here on WordPress and I found a blog that mentioned the word Kundalini. I had no idea what it meant. So I dived down the deep dark web (mainly a Wikipedia post, so not that thrilling) to learn what I could about it. I’d recommend you do your own research if you’re interested in the topic, but basically it’s a form of divine energy associated with the divine feminine. I read a few articles on it, and was like yep, I’m going to have my Kundalini experience. Well, welllll well wellllll. I went to bed last night early and laid in bed and I’m gonna be completely honest with you all, I was so sexually aroused. The whole day since reading the articles and discovering this idea, I was horny. There is no way to sugar coat it. I was thinking sexual thoughts, I wanted to go masturbate in the bathroom at work (I didn’t) I was drawn to the idea of watching porn (I never do). Like I was a regular horn dog. Throughout the day it subsided until I got home and did my motherly duties and fed the kids dinner and got them into bed, but then my mind was over whelmed with thoughts of giving my body sexual pleasure again. So I locked up the house of the night and went to my room, locked the door and got into bed. By 7:30 at night 🤔. Like I was so ready for this. I wasn’t even thinking Kundalini anymore, I was just ready to grab my toys and have the best time with myself that I had ever had. And so I began. Show and steady, head full of stories I head read through the day, most about forced orgasms and such tbh, I can’t remember whose blog I had ended up on while hella horny earlier that day, but she had tons of great experience that leant a huge hand to my horniness. At some point I can’t remember exactly when, but my mind went from guiding my hands to something completely different. It was scary, and relieving all at the same time. The whole kundalini divine feminine energy stuff I mentioned? Well, I’m pretty sure I experience it. In the most indescribable way ever. I felt like my body was ripped in two from the vagina up but not in a painful way. Like energy was coursing through me. But then, it change into me being aware my lower half of my body was laying on the bed orgasaming, but the upper half of my was divided into three parts. One was connected to a friend and the reality of this world, one was screaming. Really physically screaming and crying. Like all the pain of my life was escaping in that moment and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I was panicking and crying and my sounds were not my own. I couldn’t stop it, but I could hear a voice reassuring me that it was for the better. That this was a healing process. The third part was laughing hysterically. And uncontrollable laughter was escaping my lips at the same time as the scream and the crying and the pain and the tears. My mind was in a panic yet I could hear a presence comforting me, letting know that this was healing and that the energy that was coursing through me was needed, to return to its rightful place. After what seemed like minutes ( probably closer to 30-40 seconds) of panic and crying and screaming and pain being released my body was able to come together. The three facets that my mind had been parted into slowly curled into each other and created my brain and held me close and comforted me in aftercare of this experience. My body whimpered and shivered and yet felt so pure and free, while at the same time safe. So while this was the most fearful journey to go on, it was also in the aftermath, very wholesome and enjoyable, at least once complete. The guiding voice reassured me that energies would be placed where needed and that the journey was not over yet, although something like that, that pain, and that release, would not happen in such majesty again. I had such a wonderful sleep last night, void of dreams which is unusual for me. Normally, at least within the past few years since my experiences have began, I’ve been dreaming a few lucid dreams each night. But last night was straight sleep all the way through and I woke this morning feeling refreshed. I even noticed I slept in a new position that I’d never done before, which although not profound, worth mentioning. So, all in all, another interesting night on my journey to healing.


-High Tide Or Low Tide/Bob Marley-

No I’ll Never Leave You So Lift Up Your Voice And Sing

Hey. It’s been a while. Not that I haven’t had anything to say, more along the lines I had too much to talk about that it became overwhelming and I had no real storyline and not a clear thought of where to start. Life is always busy and stressful as I’m sure you can relate. Even just getting up an out the the door in the morning can be hectic and seem more than I’m capable of some days. But then other days I feel like, yeah I’m on top of the world. But in the in between days, in the monotonous times, I feel why bother writing? There’s nothing that makes me stand out from the rest. Nothing extravagant and special that should make me stand out from the rest. Nothing different that would make my story interesting enough to others to read. Yet I see readers checking my site all the time even though I haven’t posted in over a month, and I think, well maybe I did have something intriguing that people wanted to hear about. Maybe they did want to hear the story about when Z had to get stitched last week after she slipped at school. Or maybe people around the globe want to know how conversion Little E and I had this week about the hard thing I overcame in which I told him about the choice to leave his dad. We’ve been working through a big life journal I got each of the kids for Christmas and each week it has a different topic we discuss. This week was overcoming a hard thing in life. Anyways after I reviewed the situation with him, he shared his feelings of how he felt sorry for E and how it wasn’t his fault. I had to sit there biting my tongue. I wanted to cry. After all I’d been through he felt bad for him? After all I’ve done for you over the past six years you choose his side? But I remained calm and had to understand that he wasn’t taking a shot at me, he was more showing compassion for E regarding his mental health issues which I was explaining for the twentieth time. I realized Little E in that moment showed more maturity than many adults by showing sympathy for another human instead of jumping to anger. So I had to do the same. But most likely, the readers who are checking in, want to know what’ new in the world of consciousness. I know this because last night was the most important, fresh, scary, real, and knowledge filled experience yet. Which is why I’m writing. (Sorry for the awful grammar but I’m on my sons iPad and I can’t space and make new paragraphs for some reason). Anyways, so last night, I smoked some weed for the first time this year. I had been holding off for a while now because of what I had chopped up to paranoia. But I just felt a huge desire to last night. Not in a craving way. Not in a addicting way. Not in a “if I don’t get this I’m gonna go crazy way”. Just a peaceful pull. Also before I continue, or in the middle or it doesn’t matter where I mention this it’s all together, I’ll say I started going back to church in the fall sometime. It’s been wonderful. Well the preaching is not the best but the worship is what I’ve been missing. It’s like I can get to a point where the world melts away and it’s just me and …. the everything of the world holding me. Actually more accurately I’m not even there. So when I say I’m floating, “I’m” is just the knowledge of me. And the remembrance of when the music is done, to come back to the body I maintain. Anyways, back to last night. I smoked the smallest bit of weed. And turned on some familiar music videos that I enjoy singing to. Normal weed induced high followed, until the voices weren’t coming from the phone, they came in a quick instant from my head. SAY WHAT? Yeah🤯. So I turned right quick and listened, and the voices in the tone of who had been talking on the phone continued in my head. Weird, crazy talk you’re thinking. You’re assuming it’s a standard high. Weed paranoia, you think. Until the voices closed in around me and melted my room. I reached out to touch my walls and they weren’t there. I placed my hands in front of me and the bed was not below me. I felt my cat (can’t remember if I told you all we adopted a cat in the fall…. he poops everywhere 🤬) with one hand and he went in and out with my thoughts. If I thought him there, like if I remembered him, I could touch him, but I had to think, like actually think the thought that cats purr, and then I would hear him. Like my thoughts were only being produced through the small tunnel between my outstretched hands. They were no longer coming from my head, where my thoughts normally originate. It’s like I could change the source of my thoughts and how many I thought at once. Like tunnel vision or something, but so very narrow and controlled to think the very minimum of 3-4 at once. The ticking of the clock dissolved. The blackness of my room was gone. There was no light, no dark, no time, no fear, no pain, no past hurt. Not even the acknowledgement of my body or the room I was in, Like it was just the very minimalistic thought of my fingertips, not even my hands or arms attached, but just my fingers reaching out for the cat. And then in an instant, I wasn’t even my fingers. I rolled off the tips of my fingers and was held in the consciousness of the world. And the voice of the world which was not my own spoke to me. Confirming to me that it would hold me there, to make sure this time I remember. Because apparently the last few times it has tried to teach me that there was more than me I didn’t fully believe. Maybe because if my immense hurt. Maybe because if the huge walls I’d placed. Maybe because of the doubt in the world. It doesn’t matter, the maybes are endless. What matters is that I was held there. Long enough to remember, but not long enough to be fearful of not returning this time. And I was told I’m loved. Among so many other things. I was told I’m loved. And that each of our journeys is different. And slowly but beautifully I was placed back in C’s body tied with a lovely bow and reminded I am loved and looked over always. And I recognized that in this life I have been looked after all along. Cared for and guided. There is an inner thought and an outer expression that work together, but in my life I wasn’t allowing the connection to take place. I severed the connection forever ago. But know I’ve felt the beauty it holds. Were there repairs that had to be made? Most definitely. I feel both side held animosity towards each other, which allowed damage to be made, but now we are beginning to understand each other better as we learn to listen, allowing the love to flow better to both sides, healing what it may. And it feels like everything I’ve been looking for.


-Closer Than You Know/Hillsong United-

We Don’t Fit In Well Cause We Are Just Ourselves / You Look Stunning Dear

Z has her first crush and it is adorable. It’s one of Little E’s basketball teammates and friends from school named Tyson. He’s a very friendly boy and when he’s over to play they include Z which she obviously loves. Over the weekend she had told me that she only likes two boys, Little E and Tyson and I said that’s fine you don’t have to like all the boys, as long as you are kind to them. But last night at basketball practice I saw her crush in action for the first time and realized it was more than just an ‘I like him the way I like my brother’

It was a quick water break and Tyson came to grab his water bottle from beside where we were sitting, which I should note that Z had brought for him since he had forgotten it at school, so she made sure to save it for him and brought it full of fresh water to practice. Anyways, Tyson comes to grab a drink and Z says hi Tyson with the slight giggle and smile and all the innocence of a 6 year old girl crushing on a 9 year old boy with me sitting right there. And Tyson being the wonderful kid he is says hi Z and has his drink with a smile. Then she kinda giggles and looks back at me. Then Tyson calls her name again and we both look and he’s making a silly face at her which she loves (oh kids) and he runs back on to the court.

I thought it was the most adorable things ever to see the whole interaction. How sweet and innocent and friendly they both were. Tyson’s a great kid. He’s also the boy who after dinner at our house announced he was excited to go through puberty one day (I can’t remember if I blogged about that or just texted his mom laughing so hard about it) he’s an only child but well rounded and a good friend to Little E and apparently Z too.

I’m looking forward to what this grows into.

When his mom showed up to pick him up for practice we chatted for a bit and I mentioned that Z had a little crush. Her response surprised me. His mom and I have become acquaintances throughout this school year and she’s been over for coffee a couple times but it takes time to really know a person right? So when she said ‘Oh that’s ok, I’d be cool with a little colour in the bloodline’ or something along those lines. I was completely thrown off. She went on about how their pale Scottish skin could use some colour etc but I wasn’t really listening at that point anymore.

I guess it didn’t occur to me that my kids would face this kind of racism in their life. Subtle. But extremely there. Words that don’t need to be said and can be hurtful.

All it is, is a harmless crush between kids. There was no need to bring melanin into it. And to have that be your first reaction must mean it’s near the forefront of your thoughts. As opposed to the innocence and beauty of the relationship forming, your thoughts jumped to colour. I dunno. Not the best foot to put forward in my opinion.

So. I just felt it was the cutest moment on the kids part I wanted to share. And hope that as they grow older they learn healthy ways of interacting with each other. That help each other grow into beautiful human beings. Weather they end up together or not.


-Beautiful People/Ed Sheeran-