That Means I Don’t Fuck With You I’m A Boss, You A Worker Bitch I Make Bloody Moves

True friends are few and far between.

When I was at my last job, where I worked for almost 2 years, many of my co-workers/friends would constantly complain about the job yet never do anything about it. I myself enjoyed the actual position I held, but it was all the overtime and the workload that became too much and eventually lead me to look elsewhere. But so many of those people would constantly say they were thinking of looking for another job or just continualy complain about how much they hated coming to work.

I often outright told them, if you hate it so much, why don’t you find something else? That’s how I deal with things… if something’s not good, then change it, seems pretty simple right? Well the people who complained the most are the ones who are still at the same company.

When I got my now current job in Feb of this year, my old co-workers would still invite me out for our monthly lunches and we would chat on the phone, or like each others pics on Instagram/Facebook, anything just to keep in touch. But now, since things have taken a turn for the better with my new company, people I used to call friends are no longer answering my phone calls or even returning text messages.

I’m not talking one person in particular, I’m talking the majority of people. In fact the only 2 girls I still talk to from that company, both quit within 3 weeks of myself and are also working at new jobs. (Yeah, I took all the good ones out with me lol) Although it’s not for lack of trying. I’m always calling, leaving voicemails (since no one answers) just checking up on people. Sending texts to see how they’re doing. I’ve even resorted to sending memes every once in a while to a few of them… but the responses are fewer and farther between. Until lately, it’s been practically nothing.

It’s like people can’t stand to see others become more successful than themselves, although no one is forcing them to stay where they are. I would be thrilled to help them find new jobs if they asked or support them in any way they needed if they choose to move on. Heck, I will still support them in the fact that they choose to stay where they are, but that doesn’t mean they need to be jealous or cut ties with me because I stepped out and made the move most of them were possibly to scared too or not in a position to make.

But in hind sight, maybe it’s for the best, that I”m no longer invited out for lunches or drinks on Friday nights. Do I really want fake friends (I sound like 45 “fake news”) who don’t truly support me, so their having to put on an act while we’re together?

I’d rather have a smaller group of true friends that hundreds of fake ones. Because I know that I’m a good friend. I know that I call and check up on people. I know that my friends successes are a good thing to be celebrated. I get happy when I see my friends happy. And I think it’s only fair I surround myself with like-minded individuals.

And if I only find a handful of them, so be it.


-Cardi B/Bodak Yellow-

Can You Feel The Love Tonight? The Peace The Evening Brings The World, For Once, In Perfect Harmony With All Its Living Things

Lately, I’ve been finding myself really thinking about what is the definition of love.

Or is there?

I think there are many different ways to describe love, or better yet the various depths to love. Which is why I think the Greeks have got it right. They have 6 different words for love, which I’ll explain briefly, but I highly recommend you look into it. It’s fascinating.

  1. Eros – Can be defined as sexual passion. The ancient Greeks didn’t always look favorably upon this type of love. Instead it was viewed as possibly dangerous, passionate and irrational love that could cloud your thinking. In a way, it could be seen as overcoming your rational mind and possessing you. So it involves a loss of control. Seems to me that’s exactly what people nowadays are seeking. A feeling that “overcomes” us. So one night stands and flings would be defined as Eros love.
  2. Philia – Can be defined as deep friendship. Obviously this would be the next level in comparison to Eros love and viewed as more valuable as a result. It was based off comradely that developed between men fighting side by side, and the bond and trust that would form as a result of the loyalty and sacrifice that took place during war. Makes you think about how much we value Philia love in our society, with all the social media and technology we have, how much time do we spend forming lasting trustworthy bonds in the ‘trenches’ so to speak? Hardly any, since we develop our relationships and our friendships from a distance. Over the phone or through facebook. You hardly have to trust your friend with your life enough to learn all their moves because your life depends on it.
  3. Ludus- Is a playful love. Kind of when you think of flirting or teasing. It’s based off of the idea of ‘young love.’ Many Friday nights are  filled with Ludus love. Flirtatous glances across the dance floor, sultry smiles, laughing, drinking and dancing with people you’ve just met. Society disapproves of Ludus love (as well as many types of love on this list) but Ludus can be essential to relieve stress and create fun environments. In my ever so humble opinion, I think more Ludus love would be beneficial for lots of us. Get out of the house, away from the TV. Link up with real living breathing humans and just have fun. Play around. Feel out the crowd. Live life.
  4. Agape – This is the love we have for everyone. (Or should have for everyone) Agape love is how we treat everyone in our day to day lives, no matter if they are our immediate family or strangers on the bus.  It can be loosely translated to ‘charity’ or ‘gift’ love. As humanity lately we have had a steady decline of Agape love. We tend to only show any form of love or kindness to those we know personally, or those we understand, where Agape love would want us to extend our capacity to care for those outside our comfort zone, in a way we would want to feel loved.
  5. Pragma – Can be defined as a longstanding love. One that develops over time. After years of patience and tolerance as well as compromise with another individual you develop Pragma love for them. This love comes after the ‘falling in love’ stage and it focuses on the ‘staying in love.’ Pragma love recognizes that love takes work and continued effort, which is most likely a reason many marriage end in divorce, since there was no continued effort… no Pragma love. This love must be always given not just constantly wanted to be received. That is an investment into Pragma love.
  6. Philautia – The final love is the love of the self. Even this category was broken down further by the Greeks. If pushed to far, it was becomes a narcissistic love which focuses soley on personal fame, fortune etc. But in a healthy dose, Philautia love allows us to feel secure in our self and this creates the perfect platform from which to express the other 5 loves more fully. When you have a balanced Philautia love, your ability to create Pragma love or Agape love will come more naturally.

 

As I’ve been studying the idea of love and all the possibilities of love there can be, it leads me to believe that today, our idea of love has become VERY narrow minded. If we don’t believe a person it suitable for a long term partner, or they are a family member that we grew up with, than basically we can’t hold any type of love for them.

I disagree. I think love can and should be shown in many differing ways. At all times. Obviously depending on the situation, but I think if our world was more accepting of love in general, hate would have less place to squeeze it’s way in.

Just something to consider.


-Elton John/Can You Feel The Love Tonight-

I Got Just One Life In A World That Keeps On Pushin’ Me Around But I’ll Stand My Ground

My Grandpa has been calling.

I haven’t answer the phone because, well because I didn’t want to talk to him. He first left a voicemail maybe 2 weeks ago now.

FullSizeRender

But this morning when my phone rang, I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up. Turns out, he had got in touch with his friend and had managed to get his hands on a ‘package’ for me.

I guess he’s coming down this weekend for Thanksgiving but he was worried about how he was going to get it on the plane (good call). So he wanted to get my address from me.

I could tell he’d either been thinking it through or he’s done this before, because he was explaining how his post office has special packages he can use to wrap it and he’ll use a fake return address, all this detail. So I’m leaning towards this not being his first time doing  something along these lines.

He also said this one’s on him, and all I could think was it’s the least he could do. Well that and not expect me to offer to roll one with him… Ever.

That being said. I’ve been waffling back and forth between telling my sister R about what happened with my Grandpa. I don’t want to make a big deal about it for my sake, but I want to make her aware of it for her kids safety. I have 4 nieces, and I would be horrified if something happened to them that I could have prevented by letting R know. But on the other hand I don’t want to cause issues if this was a one-off situation… like I think to myself how far would he really go? My nieces are YOUNG!?!

So for now, I’m not officially decided, but since there’s been no talk of my nieces visiting him any time soon, I at least have some time to make the decision. Although if I find out my sister is considering sending them there for a visit without other adult supervision… like next summer for a vacation or something, then 100% I’m telling her.


-Tom Petty/I Won’t Back Down-

What A Revelation It Was To Her, When She Realized That She Didn’t Need To Settle

So this Kelowna thing.

It’s affecting me deeper than I expected. My boss is trying so hard to find a way to make it work for everyone, but right now, the focus is on myself, mainly because of the financial aspect. Sure soon I’ll have to deal with the whole E/visitation part but that’s an entirely different ball game.

As it is right now, I am the sole owner of my house. No co-signer. No renting. I own it. Which on its own is something to be proud of considering a few years ago I was flying back from Kenya with a negative bank balance and embarking on a journey to becoming a single parent. So looking at it in that light, I’ve come a long way.

Just apparently not far enough.

I love my house, and I’m proud of it. It suits my family’s needs perfectly and I couldn’t have found something better if I had looked for years! One of the best aspects of my place? Is the fact that it’s not a mobile home.

I realize that I’ll probably sound arrogant and uppity during this post, but why should this post differ from any other in me just saying what I’m thinking?

I’ve worked HARD to get myself and my kids to where we are now, and although we don’t live in a million dollar house, we don’t live in a trailer park, and never have. Which is something I can say that, yes, I am proud of when I truly think of it. Which is why this Kelowna thing is messing with me.

It is DAMN expensive there. At least comparatively to where I am now. To purchase accommodations similar to what I have now, would run me $400,000-$475,000 deep. And let’s be honest, I just don’t have that kind of cash lying around. The money I do have? Enough for a mobile home in that area.

My boss is trying to make this move feasible for all of us in the office like I said. So he’s throwing out options like helping with the down payment or the company buying the place I choose, and then us arranging a lease to own type thing. But even with those options, there is a price cap, which would only put me in the “upper end” mobile homes (if that’s even a thing), or a really crappy/shady neighbourhood.

K, I totally appreciate the offer. I don’t want to seem ungrateful or anything. But this has gotten me so emotional.

I feel like I’ve worked so hard to get my family and myself where we are, that to me, moving until a mobile home would be a step back. I completely understand it’s probably because of the whole stigma with a trailer park etc, but why should I accept anything but the best for us? I’m not being forced into this move. I shouldn’t have to go unless I feel anything less than 100% about it right?

Sure. Except, my boss has made it clear that if I don’t go, the company doesn’t relocate.He doesn’t want to mess up the operations of the company and how smoothly it’s running now. So, no me? No move.  Which means that the house my boss and his wife have already contacted a Real Estate agent about? And are ready to put in an offer for? Gone. And I mean he is ready! I’ve been hearing him on the phone with his bank talking mortgages and down payments etc. It also means all the research my co-workers been doing on which new schools are best, day care costs, getting her husband on board even though HE doesn’t have a guaranteed job there once they move, will be for nothing.

All because I don’t want to live in a trailer park.

It’s not just the whole stigma of a trailer park though. It’s the whole mobile home. I like having an entirely empty floor between myself and the kids sometimes while they play in the basement and I’m ALL THE WAY upstairs in my room, as opposed to LITERALLY 2 feet away. I like that thick sound proof walls I have, and the nicely insulated walls, for both summer and winter. I like the full-sized hallways and space just for the sake of space. I like my foundation.

I also like the fact that I paid for it on my own. It’s been embarrassing at work to be the only person in this situation. Discussing finances with your boss is not the most comfortable thing. And it feels SUPER uncomfortable to just be expected to accept an offer for a house upgrade basically? It’s just yet another situation there’s no manual or How To book for. How many people, if asked the question has your company ever offered to buy you a house? Could genuinely say yes?

So maybe that’s why I’m so conflicted. Maybe this is way to good to be true. Maybe beggars can’t be choosers. Maybe Kharma does exist.


-Amy Rubin-

I Never Lose Nothing But Damn I Done Had It I Ain’t Never Strike Out They Can’t Average What I Batted No

So thanks to E constantly delaying the divorce, today is officially my eight year wedding anniversary. And I’ve spent 3.5 of those years trying to put E in my past. It’s a work in progress.

August 7th, 2009. The seventh day, of the eighth month, of the ninth year. E didn’t care when we got married but to me it was important and plus it looked aesthetically pleasing on the invitation. 07.08.09.

But now, 8 years later and it’s all a moot point. 8 years of life with him that, to be fair is almost done. The divorce papers (like I’m sure I’ve said before) are almost signed. We’re just waiting on E and hopefully he doesn’t find something else to comment on and ask to change last-minute again.
But that’s not the reason I’m writing today.

When I woke up this morning, on my ‘anniversary’ I found myself reflecting back at my life not so much during the past eight years, but more just the past 1 year, and at how much has changed, and I just wanted to do a recap. Mostly for myself. To remind myself, that yeah C, you continue to make shitty mistakes but you also are growing as an individual. And that’s what’s important.
So, without further ado, here’s my year in review.

  • I bought and moved into my very own house with only my name on the mortgage.
  • I quit a high stress job for an equal paying position but I work only 4 days a week now, receive bonuses and my boss is way cooler.
  • I tried marijuana for the first time this year and now take edibles almost daily. They’ve helped so much with the headaches I used to get from my seizures.
  • I got my empty birdcage tattoo to represent that there are no bars holding me back anymore as well as replaced two piercings (one on my wrist and one on my ankle) I had to remove a long time ago for an MRI..
  • I went to a shooting range and shot a gun for the first time, doing quite well at it.
  • I bought tickets for my first couple concerts. Jay Z in December, and also I’m taking my Dad to see Guns and Roses this month for his birthday… to be honest I’m actually most excited to see Our Lady Peace who’s opening for them lol, they were the first CD I ever bought and Innocent is my jam!
  • Had my Grandma pass away.
  • Stopped attending church to take some time and figure out what I truly believe.
  • Went to a psychic for the first time for a palm reading and chakra clearing.
  • Started my first official diet (Jenny Craig), that I chose to do on my own not because my mom was pressuring me to. And have lost 15 pounds on it so far (about 1.5 months).
  • Heck I even went on a couple of firsts ‘dates’!
  • Bought a guitar (I owned 2 as a teen but I sold one and the other was stolen when E and I had our house broken into) yesterday. I realized if music is my passion, and I love it so much, then do something about it again. Make a way to enjoy it more in my everyday life.
  • Started this blog 😎.

So maybe I am growing as a person. Maybe I have learned from some of my mistakes. Maybe I am becoming a better me. Oh trust me, I know I’m still making stupid choices. But maybe… just maybe, they are becoming fewer and farther between?

So for now, I’m for real going to go buy myself some “anniversary” roses. Because I can. And I need them. And I’m the only one whose gonna do it.


-Future Ft. Nicki Minaj/You Da Baddest-

She’s All Through, Life’s Not Blowing Her Kisses Thanks To You

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CbaxKcxtPY4

Woooooow. I had an interesting night to say the least lol. It started Friday night when I had my 4 nieces sleepover and it was chaotic with 6 kids in my little townhouse (that's being kind). Then I drove them the half hour – 45 minutes back to their house during which we played a bunch of old school music my sister had in the car that I remembered from when I was about … oh 14-15? The kids loved it since I guess my sister doesn't blast the music and sing and dance like no ones looking in the car like me… to each their own lol. Anyways we had this one on repeat just like when I was a teen, and it stuck with me…

After I dropped the girls off, my kids and I went to a friends house and did up a couple of batches of jam, well she and her eventual mom in law did. (Face it, your gonna get married) and I just kinda dinked around like a useless blob in the kitchen but it was fun. Another old co-worker was there and it was fun to just have some girl chat and catch up on some gossip from my old job.

I ended up leaving her house with a bunch of fresh jam, AND some fresh mushrooms. You know what it is.

So my kids were exhausted from having two sleepovers in a row ( the one night at my parents and then the cousins at my place) so they feel into bed by 6:30. Z actually wanted to sleep by around 5 but I didn't want her up at like 4 in the morning so it was a big effort to keep her awake until even 6:30. By 6:45 they were both snoring heavily and I had brewed my first cup of shroom tea.

Taste? Totally fine. Effect? Absolutely nothing. I waited an hour… no go. So I got impatient and just ate two. I figured if the two I brewed in the tea did nothing then let me try this. Plus I know how much it takes for me to get drunk or high with weed so I was pretty confident I would be ok.

About an hour, maybe an hour and a half later while was literally reading up on the effects of mushrooms and what to expect etc, and my phone started glowing, and the words started… I dunno the words were coloured? Lol it was great.

But even more than that I had amazing self discoveries.

Nothing like how to solve world hunger or anything but I did end up writing this letter.

And, I feel good about it.

So here's an insight into my mind… high on mushrooms for the first time.

-Tobymac/Gone-

Through It All We Will Remain In This Life We All Know Friends May Come They May Go Through The Years I Know I Will Stay

Some of you have asked why I even bother with K anymore like writing to him etc.

K has been there for me in ways I can’t even explain, but I’ll give you a few examples.

One simple time that crosses my mind was once when I got high, and we were on the phone. I got a little paranoid and I remember him just talking me through it. You’d think I was giving birth the way he was coaching me.
‘Breathe, in, out, nice and slow. It’ll be ok. Just in and out, count to five’ Then he needed to go since he worked the next morning but I was still a little paranoid and didn’t want him to get off the phone. So he stayed on the phone with me until we both fell asleep. I woke up around 3 in the morning to the beep beep of my phone ending a call. I still don’t know if he woke up and hung up or we just got disconnected somehow, but when I checked my phone the next morning turns out it was close to a 6 hour call. Most of it just sleeping. And it made me so happy that he acknowledged I needed him, and so he stayed for me.

Another time K was there for me was a little more intense. One Saturday morning I was having issues with my epilepsy and woke up apparently with some memory issues. I guess I had had a dream about K that night and either I called him to tell him, or he called me just to chat and I wanted to tell him about my dream, but I kept repeating myself. He got pretty concerned about me and so he called his mom (who is a nurse or works in the medical field somehow) for advice about what to do.
Him and his mom conference called me and after a few minutes on the phone with me, his mom was like K you need to take her to the hospital.
But I was adamant about not going, since I know from all my experiences there, that there was nothing they would do, and it would just be a waste of my time and end up a waste of time. So I did my best to be polite, since it was his mom, but I basically told his mom I would outright not take her advice. In my most polite and respectful way of course.

So he said goodbye to his mom and stayed on the phone with me some more. I guess I was still acting strange enough for him to get me to give him my sister N’s number.

He knows N lives right down the street from me and that we’re fairly close, and so he called her and explained what was going on so she could come take care of me. N was there in her pjs in less than 10 minutes with her husband D close behind to occupy the kids. She said she was still in bed and almost didn’t answer K’s call because it was a number she didn’t recognize. Then once she did, she was so confused about who this man with this super deep voice was. But she was super impressed about how he handled the situation. I guess he told her everything he heard on the phone and wasn’t sure how to handle it himself since he’d never dealt with seizures before, and wanted to make sure someone with experience was with me in case I seized.
Thinking back, he dealt with it so well. Especially after hearing his reasoning behind his behaviour. And all his actions lead me to believe with really cared for me when I needed it. When I couldn’t care for myself. When I couldn’t give back. It’s this mixed with all the other little things like buying me flowers on my birthday and leaving me singing voicemails on Mother’s Day with made up songs knowing how much I hate the day, but still trying to make it good for me. Or helping me put my treadmill together or little E’s new bunk bed… well he did that mostly himself. Or taking the time to teach little E to tie his shoes or watching kids movies with them. Or sharing simple quite moments with me where we didn’t feel the need to talk, we could just be. Be ourselves because we were totally at peace with ourselves around each other.

These are why I will support K while he needs it. While he can’t do anything for me. Because he has been there for me when I needed it and I had nothing to give in return. That’s what friends do. And I will continue to do so until I see reason to do otherwise.
And yep, double post day because my kids are away!


-John Legend/Stay With You-

Wake Me Up When It’s All Over. When I’m Wiser And I’m Older. 

As we were preparing to get married, E shared a “tradition” from back home that he wanted us to partake in. This might be difficult to explain as it’s regarding names and I try to avoid them, as well as the fact that the “tradition” turned out to be 100% fake, and we did something that I’m, to this day, trying to remedy because E felt like making up some random story just for shits and giggles.

The tradition he told me went something like this… and keep in mind at this point, I’d never yet been to Kenya, and I had no reason to doubt anything E was saying, because quite frankly I never thought anyone would be capable of making up stuff as extreme as this just… well just because I guess. I’ll never actually know why he did it.

Anyways, he told me that when a man gets married, at least in his tribe, it was custom for him to drop his last/surname and have his middle name became his new last name. So from that point on, he’d only be known by his first and middle name.

So if I was dating a Billy Frank Smith, when we got married he would still be known as Billy, but our new last/surname would be Frank, and Smith would be out of the picture. He said then as a man, you would be starting your own family and be more removed from your Dads ‘tribe’. Also, to make it even more complex, the middle names were to be chosen from a limited group of ‘family’ names. So that the man could still be recognized as part of this certain tribe. He said they do it this way so that as a man gets married it is his way of starting his own tribe/family.

I hope I’m explaining it well, because trust me it was confusing as heck to me. Probably because it’s not a tradition that his tribe had been following for centuries or has ever done. It was something E made up in his mind. But I trusted him, because this was the man I was going to marry so I figured he was telling the truth, and I had no reason not to believe in him.

Therefore at our wedding we had to make it known during a speech to explain how we would be known as Mr and Mrs M. instead of the expected original Mr. and Mrs. S that everyone was expecting. Since E was still dealing with immigration issues though and both of our names were on so many of those documents at that time as our maiden names, neither of us changed our names at that point, which was for the best. The person it has affected most though, is little E.

When I became pregnant with him, more about this whole name thing was ‘explained’ to me by E. About how the middle names should be chosen from selected tribe names etc. At this time, our plan was that we would be moving to Kenya and living there on a more permanent basis, and I really wanted my kids to fit in as much as possible and was counting on E’s advice to make that happen. So E supplied me with a list of about 5-7 male names from his family tree that we had to choose from for little E’s middle name, that, according to E would one day be his last name once he married. We settled on a name that sounded good when said start to finish “little E, then the chosen middle name (also started with M) then the last name M’ that we would all have one day once we finished our paperwork. So it was decided. I thought. Until literally 5-10 minutes after I had given birth to little E and I was drugged up and totally out of it and E decides to ask if we can change everything we had previously decided on.

Instead of the original E.M.M, for the newly born baby boy, he wanted little E to be named E.S.M. So that little E’s middle name would be E’s current last name starting with S. So that when little E gets married and drops the last name of M, he will have E’s family name of S remaining. Confused? I was too.  I said yes, because I just didn’t care at the time, I was just glad my baby was healthy and I had successfully brought forth life. Plus I had JUST given birth, and was in no position to argue.

So little E now had the initials E. S. M. Not to bad eh? Well, it was fine, until we flew with our little boy to Kenya, where lo and behold, his family and pretty much everyone else in the entire country told me that E was full of crap. They’d never heard of that tradition before. I was mad. Now E has gone and messed with our kids names! And for what???

I confronted him about it and all he could say was that he must’ve been mistaken, and that oh ok, we’ll keep the original S last name like usual. I couldn’t believe it. Did he not realize that now little E has the S middle name and now E says it should be his last name too!?!? Like are you kidding me? Your want our son to be called little E then Smith Smith for example? No thanks.

So I bring it up today because little E has finally chosen a new middle name. He understands that his middle name of S will now be his last name so he can match Z and Dad and Mom and all share the same last/surname and since I am too stubborn and did not want little E to just have his middle name and last name switch place, mainly because I don’t want E to have that small pleasure of having his family name remain after all the chaos his lies caused. So we’ve been taking our time deciding on a brand new middle one. And little E choose it today.

We’ve read through many names and meanings and little E choose the name Theo. It means divine gift and he loves it and although there are others that I might prefer, I don’t mind giving him the lead on this choice as I can see the confidence it gives him. Plus it’s a step up from last summer when he wanted to change it to Tyrannosaurus. Plus if it was that awful I would always veto it. But I think he choose well and I’ll be working on the legal process to change it throughout the coming weeks. Oh and yes, it’s already been documented in the divorce that I can change his name without consent from E, because of the exact reasoning above. So we’re in the clear. Although I did inform E of little E’s choice and he is fine with it.

So, I guess all I can say is I’m not a fan of fake tradition.


-Avicii/Wake Me Up-

Love in a Thousand Different Flavours I Wish That I Could Taste Them all Tonight No, I Ain’t Got No Dinner Plans

After W was killed, months had passed since the funeral and I had had multiple conversations with myself about “moving on”. One week I particular I found my thoughts constantly dwelling on things like ‘was I ready’, and if I was how would I even meet someone new?!? I no longer went to the club/pub/bars, and my circle of friends had been drastically reduced since the previous summer when I was raped by M and quit the job where we had both worked, and a lot of my friends worked as well. I kinda cut them all out of my life and wanted a hundred percent fresh start, without anything to remind me of M, and that basically left me with W only, until he died and I was left with no one. So I had a new apartment downtown (I had obviously moved out of the apartment M&A and I were going to share) I literally had like zero friends, all of my own doing, and a recently deceased boyfriend, and I was 20 years old and had to start fresh. 

I had no clue about how I was going to do it. And one week it was really on my mind a lot. So I had decided I was going to make a move and go out that Friday night, on my own, dancing. So it was maybe Wednesday or Thursday and I went to the mall on my day off after work to find something new to wear for the club. I was there for maybe an hour or so and honestly wasn’t feeling it and decided to head home thinking I could always try again next week, considering it’s not like I would let anyone down by not going, I had only made plans with myself anyways. 

So I was walking out to my car in the mall parking lot when a man came up to me. And I’ll be real, I don’t really remember how the conversation went but the just of it was he worked out of town, as a lot of people do in our city, and just needed a place to chill for a few days, so could he stay with me. 

Now any ‘normal person would scream hell no and beeline for safety, but nope, not me. I thoughtfully considered this very attractive man before me and instead of just straight out saying no I made some lame excuses about living in a bachelor suite and only having one bed. I thought maybe this was the universes way of helping me get over W, since I’d been thinking about it for a while now. And that’s when his pickup game became even stronger cause he pulled out something like ‘oh we’ll just have to share a bed then’ and somehow within about 1-2 minutes of literally seeing him for the first time, I agreed to let him stay a couple days with me knowing full well I would sleep with him once he got to my place. I honestly took it as a sign. I wanted to make a move to get out and meet new guys and here was one right in front of me… sometimes you just have to go with the flow. 

I for real can’t even remember his name, so we’ll just call home John Doe or JD. But JD was the second guy I ever slept with. And yes he was 100% a rebound or recover or whatever you want to call him, but he helped me get over the loss of W… maybe. Probably not. I still think what if W was still around so maybe I’m not completely over him, but are we ever? 

Anyways, I gave JD my address and we met later at my apartment. We hung out almost every spare moment over the next probably 4-5 days. He took me to the hottest Jamaican restaurants in town and then every night we hit up a different dance hall/party that was going on in and around the city. JD seemed to have the know with everything. He had all the hookups and best connections, he also seemed to have the money for everything. Made me wonder why he didn’t want to stay at a hotel, but hey, I didn’t ask those kind of questions, I had my own reasons for chilling with him. 

Anyways by the time the weekend neared the end, JD had to head back to work and I was ready to ‘get back out there’ again. JD was a fun time, a very much needed escape, and boy had he taught me a thing or two in bed! I guess having sex with someone over double your age and a heck of a lot of experience will do that! But he made me realize that there are so many experiences out there waiting for me. And also that it’s totally possible for a man to treat you with kindness and respect for a few days, even knowing he won’t benefit in the long term from it. But just because your a woman and he’s a man. 

We both entered into that weekend knowing it would only be a few days, yet he treated me like a queen. He didn’t try to hide me from anyone or anything. We went to house parties and he would introduce me around and gladly make sure I was comfortable with a drink and that I wasn’t creeped on all night. He bought groceries for my place, and would make the bed every morning. I’m just saying, he could’ve been a complete dick, but instead acted like a gentleman and gave me hope about getting back out there. He made me believe that, yep, it would be worth it one day. 
So JD, even though you were 46 years old and picking up chicks in the mall parking lot, your lucky your SOO fine or else I would’ve left you there, but also thanks for making my first experience into the fwb world decent. 

Or maybe no thanks to you? Maybe if you had been awful I would’ve gave up more easily and wouldn’t have messed around with so many men after you in search of “Mr. Right” 

Either way, JD, your bold parking lot antics paved the way for many more men over the next decade to come. 

May they forever be in debt to you. 
-Jason Derulo/Swalla-

All The Good Girls Are Home With Broken Hearts ‘And I’m Free, I’m Free Falling

So at my family dinner on Canada Day, I brought up the fact that I would like to go skydiving, and asked would anyone want to go with me. Purely from the selfish point of view that the larger the group the bigger discount I get 😂.

Wow. Until this point, I honestly did not realize how utterly and completely boring my family is compared to me. I literally have always though of myself as the good one in the family but in that moment, as I listened to all their shocked responses, I learned that I’m the black sheep/wild child of us all.

As I heard them talk about how risky it is and in all seriousness have I prepared a will, maybe I should try bungee jumping instead…the comments barely registered because all I could think about was all the ridiculous and outlandish things I have actually done in my life… and how foolish it was of me to ever consider myself anything less than a badass for lack of a better word lol. Well I’m sure there are plenty of better words, and I’m far from a badass, but I’m discovering that I’m even FARTHER from a goodie good.

Like who does or goes through even a handful of the things I have, and turns out half as chill as me? No one that’s who. Rape? Destroys some people for life. Domestic violence? Messes with some people for years! Heck, having a loved one get shot and killed? No wonder we have suicide!

But I’ve realized I’ve had those few things happen and far far more, yet I’m out here living. Really living. I tried following my heart across the world and lived in another country… twice! I have a son and daughter each. I’ve been married and felt loved, not necessarily from the same man. I’ve had low lows and high highs, but standing where I am now, I wouldn’t change anything in the past.

It all makes me, me. And I’m fantastic. I’m not some boring person who sits around on their rear all day instead of getting out and living life. I’m someone who goes skydiving.

And that, in and of itself, is something I can smile at.


-Tom Petty/Free Falling-