Shawty Said The Ni**a That She With Ain’t Shit / Call Me So I Can Come And Prove It To You

So bar boy came over again. Two weekends in a row. And you know what. It was nice. Really nice. His dick is still too big and that part is annoying, but the part of having someone in my bed holding me throughout the night and waking up to morning sex and the intimacy part where he is so considerate of what I need and how I respond to his touch… that part is what I’ve been missing for too long. Just good old fashion guy with girl beauty. In bed talking and touching and being with someone. I need that in my life so much. My love language is definitely touch and feel and to be alone for so long has been very draining on me on such a deep level. I thought I’d be ok just having my one night stands and getting what I needed that way, but that was ultimately more draining than fulfilling and probably let me worse off than before.

So I got in touch with army guy (I know I know to many guys) from a few summers back who I never actually slept with but for some reason we got along fairly well. At least well enough that I didn’t sleep with him (because our conversations were so good) that I told him straight up that I was in love with K and there was no way we’d end up together. I know I’m so messed up, if I have feelings for a guy I don’t sleep with them? I’m backwards. So anyways army guy and I have a 5 minute chat every 4-5 months just to keep in touch and so I asked him his opinion on the following since he’s a guy I can just be honest with.

How do you tell a dude his dick is to big, but you still wanna keep him around for everything else? C he said, if you tell a guy that, he’s not going to be offended, but he’s not going to want to come just to hold you and stroke your hair. You gotta learn how to take a dick.

Annnnnnd yet another reason I never slept with him, our conversations were honest, but he was an ass. Ok. For starters. I can take hella dick. It’s when it feels like it’s gonna break a rib or trying to give you CPR and restart your heart with each thrust that I have no interest in it anymore. I like sex to be pleasurable, not feel like I have to wiggle away each time he humps me because I’m feeling like it’s hitting a brick wall inside and going to break me.

The thing is, I don’t want to fault bar boy for being so well endowed and sweet. Like he texts me everyday to say good morning and ask me how I’m doing on top of the caring vibe I got from him while he was around. Don’t worry I’m not catching feelings. Like I have zero interest in this guy long term. He already told me he’s only in town until December, which is probably why I felt comfortable enough to have him around in the first place. I knew there were boundaries from the get go. I knew it wouldn’t have a catch to turn serious, so I felt safe. I told you I’m broke πŸ€·πŸ»β€β™€οΈ

I’m not interested in getting attached to anyone anymore. I’ve been through enough heartache, but a girls gotta get her bed rocked WAY more often than I have been and as much as I fooled around with my toys every so often, it’s not the same for me and I don’t get the same enjoyment out of them as I do real sex. I like to be touched. I like to be tasted. I like to be pushed past my limits and I can’t do that to myself. I like to be kissed and held. Oh my god I like to be kissed. And held.

So here’s my lame dilemma. Do I risk telling him his dick is uncomfortably large, and have him stay away, losing out on the only enjoyable male companionship I’ve had in over a year? Or possibly yes I tell him and he decides that for the next few months he’d rather want my company with no sex but still everything else. Do you think he’d still stroke my hair until I fell asleep? Do you think he would sleep over and not expect sex. Or should I just keep it as is and awkwardly wiggle away each time he shoves his massively huge cock in my apparently small tight pussy, in order to keep the other benefits until December?

Like I said, it’s a lame dilemma, but a choice I need to make nonetheless.

So blogging word… recommendations?


-Lil Wayne/Lollipop-

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Handle Me? / He Put In All That Work, He Wanna Be The MVP, I Told Him Ain’t No Taming Me

So he came. Actually I came. I saw. I conquered.

The bar dude I met came and spent the night this past Saturday. I have not spent an actual night with anyone since E. No sleeping over in my bed ever. It was always sex, and bye. Like unless you’re gonna make the commitment to me, I don’t want my kids seeing you, I don’t want my sleep disturbed, I don’t want to have to deal with all the what if’s of your snoring potential. I just want sex and then the quiet and solitude of my own bed.

But I’m learning to break out of my habits and past behaviour. Analyzing why I did what I previously did, and moving towards more beneficial behaviours. Understanding that I don’t have to do something a certain way just because I’ve always done it that way, or because someone else told me to. I’m learning to be more in tune to what I WANT, deep within.

So Saturday night, I wanted to be held. So I invited him over. He didn’t end up getting to my place until maybe 10? But when he got there, we went and took a walk on the beach where he just held me and kissed me. It was what I’ve needed for a long time, just to feel feminine again and have a man hold me. Then at my place, the night was great. He’s a really good guy and the sex was good. But to be honest his dick was to big and long and it’s not the most comfortable thing when it feels like it’s slamming your rib cage with each thrust. But we tried a few positions and obviously made it work. Twice that night and twice more in the morning, I was wiped after. But it wasn’t just about the good sex and the release of that energy, it was how he went about it. Responding to my movements and sounds. Plus, something I’ll cherish is throughout the night he would just stroke my hair and play with my ear and neck. He would just touch me. Not just for a few seconds but multiple times until I fell asleep, which is not an easy thing for me considering I’m not used to someone in my bed. And then if I woke up during the night, he would let me adjust and get comfortable and then put his arm around me or some other form of touch and even though it was like sleeping next to an oven and I felt hot and sweaty, it was beautiful in its own way.

I told him the next day how he was so hot in his sleep and he’s like I was just tryna be close to you. Cue the awwws.

Anyways it was a good night.

Will I do it again? I dunno lol. That might be pushing my self discovery boundaries to far in one area πŸ˜‚. Last time few times I broke my one and done rule have both caused a lot of pain in differing ways in my life.

So I’m just being more sensitive to how I feel and how people make me feel. In this case, he makes me feel ok for now. I know it’s nothing long term since I know he’s not even in the country past December. But am I able to live in the Now moment and enjoy what life is offering me right now? Or do I still expect sexual relationships to turn out long term and perfect if I let them progress past one sexual encounter.

I guess I don’t know that about me yet. And I’m also possibly to afraid to find out. Because I’ve experienced the hurt that comes from the let down, and never had the joy of a successful relationship. So at this point I don’t know if I am ready to try again for that joy. Especially obviously knowing it won’t be a lasting relationship, so my hurt is screaming out why bother. And it’s almost like the rest of me is just sitting on edge waiting for this to play out as it will. Not willing to take the risk of intervening in case that part of my soul gets blamed for another potential pain.

So. I wait. With the knowledge that I had sex Saturday night. Which was the first (and second and third and forth) time I’ve had sex since last fall. And it was good. And I liked it.

– Megan Thee Stallion / Hot Girl Summer

So Here’s To New Beginnings And Here’s To Breaking Free Let’s Chase A New Horizon, Chase Who We’re Meant To Be

So we did it.

In such a new way we achieved both a beginning and an end.

At least from my perspective. Each new chance at this has been expanding my mind to new levels. Even that phrase as such is misleading now. My mind. Because once you reach this level of knowledge, you can no longer continually live in conscious denial that we share one consciousness. So to refer to it so familiarly as my mind is definitely of an old mindset, one that is willing to allow growth, but not 100% comfortable with the wisdom of the full commitment it will take.  Because once two or more acknowledge the fact that we share one singular consciousness, how do we move forward from that? How do we maintain our independence and humanity on a simple level. One that allows the freedom from fear of the simplest things that would be present with that knowledge.

For a very easy example, that other with who you connect with could see what you see at any given moment, or could be impacting the thoughts or actions of say an individual who was maybe weaker or didn’t have the knowledge that the consciousness was connected? Or maybe this is how it has always been? And maybe this is where sects like the illuminati or whatever you want to call them start. Because titles have no power, it’s the ideas and  knowledge that they keep from the general population that does hold power.

Anyways.

To whoever has obtained this knowledge before me, I both simultaneously salute you, and hate you. For making it through this journey, that’s honourable. But for withholding this knowledge from others, that’s dirty play.

This is terrifying and amazing. Which is why I’m sure you all have kept it to yourself. This knowledge is powerful. And unless we all choose to work together, could literally destroy the universe. That thoughts are connected? That everything that flows through our minds are not secret to ourselves? Unbelievable to most. But true and achievable with a steady and careful mindset.

I’m not talking about just mind reading in a simple way, as if you could stand in front of someone and know what kind of ice cream they want. I’m saying, that if you slow your own thoughts, and deal with the retinue of emotions and issues you have currently at hand, one by one, your personal perspective will have a chance to become more calm and quite.

It is in this calm and peace that you have created for yourself, that you will have a chance to hear the energies that others have created. Some might stand out to you as individuals close to you, and therefore be more recognizable. Maybe it might feel like conversations in your head, you know how you rerun scenarios over and over. Well this time, try running them through with a positive tone. Try creating a good ending for everyone. Or maybe it might feel as though they are flowing through and within you. Or maybe as if you are entering their space, with which I suggest you do so without disturbing their energy. Once you correct your situation with that individual leave nothing else disturbed. The energy will flow out. You may find that as you do so, the next scenes that come to you are from your deeper past and you can create healing for yourself and others from there.

Anyways, this is just a quick touch on the topic for now.

I’ll review and revisit it later.

But I’m saying from experience over these few years that you can touch on others in a positive way. But it is not without overcoming whatever fears you’ve built up first.

 -Luminate/New Beginnings-

Peace Will Come This World Will Rest Once We Have Togetherness

I remember the time I had a thought that I felt was not my own. I’ve made the connection now that my thoughts had crossed someone else’s stream of consciousness, but at the time, it just felt like the weirdest thing for me as C to think.

I was laying in bed one night and looking at my nails which were painted black and an almond shape, when I had the thought ‘I wonder is this is the bullet that killed Tupac’.

Ridiculous. I never, in my life, think of any of those things individually let alone as a whole. I’m not pro gun. I don’t think of bullets or know the difference between types, nor do I care, Rest In Peace, what kind of bullet killed Tupac Shakur. But there I was cleaning my nails one night when that thought passed by in an instance.

I was stunned. But as I’m going through this process in recognizing the one consciousness, it makes sense that in more and more circumstances, we would have thoughts that are not produced by ourselves if we share one consciousness.

The more we become connected to the universal consciousness, the more we will have situations that will allow us to connect to others who have been in a vibration of such a similar state, that it seems identical and therefore the two streams connect and intersect, allowing previously thought thoughts that happened in that moment with one individual to pass through again, as the universe recognizes the similarities and assumes the same energies as previously created.

As I’ve been growing in this knowledge, I find that it’s more easily accomplished when one is at a state of rest and relaxation. Allowing previously created energies to flow through as well as the release of your own tensions and preconditions.

These are just my experiences and I thought you might want to enjoy it for yourself as we dive deeper into togetherness.

Anyways, if you used to think strongly about Tupac and wonder what bullet killed him, HMU. I’m sure we’d have a lot to talk about. πŸ˜‰

– The Jimmy Castor Bunch / It’s Just Begun-

Who Cares What They See? Who Cares What They Know? Your First Name Is Free Last Name Is Dom

So I’ve been really inactive sexually this last year and a half since K and I stopped. I saw a few guys once (like I do/did) but it was such a joke with them, that I didn’t even let them kiss me, although not for lack of trying on their part. Anyways, my toys and I have become well acquainted, let’s just say that. It’s so much simpler, no awkward conversation after, no asking where they work when I don’t care among all the other first time questions, no walking people I don’t care about to the door after when I really just want to go to sleep. Easy. But still satisfying. Mostly.

So for the part I’ve been missing? The conversation. The communication. The aspect of control I’ve longed for in a relationship but never had, the last little bit of exploration to fulfill some final fantasies if you will. So I took some time over the last few weeks to explore some of my own fantasies and kinks if you will, in a safe way, online, and the results were… interesting. A way to pass time to say the least and mind opening at best.

To be honest until maybe a couple years ago, my interest sex wise were very shallow. The basics were fine as long as they happened. But over the past I’ve been more open to exploration into what do I truly want and what actually makes me feel pleasure. And it’s not your average missionary position lets just say that.

I’ve always been interested in aspects of control, and the exchange of power. Maybe it’s because of my life so far, but the idea of having complete and utter control over a mans cock, when and where and how often he comes, if at all, has been intriguing to me. So I found an online community where men were looking for keyholders to do just that. They would lock their dick in a cage and the accompanying app would allow me to determine when the lock was released, sometimes not for weeks or even longer. We obviously set parameters first, and discussed needs and desires for both parties before engaging the lock. But it made me realize that men can want to have someone to control that for them too. They can crave someone telling them what to do. Some asked me for tasks daily which I assigned based on previously discussed kinks and fantasies (which were more than anything I’d ever thought of, which is part of why I stopped) And some, we just conversed daily.

It was an interesting exchange of power. They would greet me first each day, as well as wish me good night. Some would even ask me permission to urinate (I’m assuming this was based on requirements from their previous keyholders) and write me poems etc. The list went on. It felt like anything I asked of them, they did that and more. It was almost as if they craved the attention. So I had to stop, I didn’t want to become to involved with anyone to deeply in case feeling were hurt on their part. For me this was just me dipping my toes in, and may of them were new to. But in the case of building trust, I don’t want to hurt anyone and had to be careful.

As much as I enjoyed the experience and to be honest the attention as well, I felt like this is something that should be experienced on a more one on one basis. Yes I understand that people may not be able to establish that kind of relationship with an individual in real life nowadays, as everything seems internet based, but it felt like there was an aspect missing. I’m not gonna lie though, most of the experience was really appealing and I would definitely consider extending that power exchange more deeply if I found the right person in real life.

So I slowly explained to the guys that I wouldn’t be able to continue and once each of their locks timed out I released them, and wished them the best on their way.

Anyway. I learned tons about the BDSM community in the chat rooms, some I’m all for and would love to explore more and some is just WAY to much for me, but mostly I experienced a sensation that I’ve never felt before. An actual vibration of energy at certain times. I feel like my letting go of who I strictly thought I was and allowing myself to experience new hidden desires is allowing deeper freedom to come forth.

Yeah me! Just call me Dom C πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

– Pharrel Williams / Freedom-