We Don’t Say How We Feel And I Feel Like This Is What Got Us In The Debacle We’re In

I remember Kindergarten.

Correction. I remember exactly one lunch recess where I was playing tag and pushed a boy off some wooden play structure. He ended up breaking his arm… my bad. But I distinctly remember when my red curly-haired teacher who was on supervision carried him from the playground to the office and it was in that moment I thought she was the strongest person I knew and I decided I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. I was in awe that someone carried a kid my age, because I obviously didn’t get held much at home anymore, but also that a relative stranger would so easily embrace someone else’s child. I never thought it was possible, yet I thought it was so beautiful.

Things have changed by now. Oh I went after high school and started University to get my teaching degree. But I sucked at it. Actually I just no longer cared. I skipped 60% of my classes and didn’t turn in a single assignment. I was put on academic probation my first year (which I told my mom was due to my seizures, actually she pretty much thought that up all on her own and I just went with it). Part of that was maybe true, but more honestly, I just wasn’t feeling it. I was only doing it because I felt it was “the right thing” Not the right thing as in it felt right, but the right thing as in I’d been telling everyone I wanted to be a teacher ever since I was like 6 years old so I’d only be lying to myself if I changed it after so long.

But is it fair to decide what you want to do for the rest of your life when you’re a child? And then to be held to that standard because “Oh you’d be such a good teacher” and “well you’ve always wanted to be a teacher” were phrases you’d been hearing for the better part of a dozen years? Only to realize 3/4 of the way through my degree, that I would be a terrible teacher.

I would be fine if it actually came down to it, I mean I could do anything, let’s be honest. But I just really, really, really didn’t want to do it anymore. So here I was 3 years out of a 4 year degree under my belt, that had taken me about 6 years to get this far, between saving for school and marriage and travel etc, and I decided I was done trying.

Probably for the best.

All those little kids are better off with all those kind, caring, thoughtful teachers anyways.

So I quit. It may have seemed like marriage was the issue. Or becoming a mom was the reason. And it was a major reason. A major excuse in the very least. Once I had my own kids I became more honest with myself in that I really didn’t want to teach other kids all day and then come home and still have more left of me to give to my own kids. I think I was looking for a reason to quit and my kids and my life situation in leaving E gave me that. It gave me a reason to start fresh.

It gave me a chance to start school again. And find a career that makes good money yeah, but I’m still not feeling fulfilled.

It’s hard to take risks when I have two little kids depending on me. Not that I know what risk I would take if I could, but I’m just saying I kinda feel like I’m in the same rut I was in after high school. I’m just doing what I’m doing because it was what was “best” for me. It seemed “smartest”. It seemed like the “right” move. But I don’t know if I’m being authentically C.

I don’t feel happy.

I feel like this life was chosen for me when I was a child and I’m just going along with the flow. But I don’t want to anymore.

If I was more honest. More true to me, I would say I want to travel. I want to write. Books. Music for others. I want to remain nameless. I never want to be famous. I want to be happy. I don’t want to work under anyone, but I want to have freedom in my expression. But I’m scared. Because those steps don’t seem easy. The steps to be that person haven’t been planned out since I was a kid so I don’t know how to start it now. It doesn’t seem like “the Plan”

So I’m nervous and scared.

Lazy and very unsure of what to do to become the person I think is the true C.

Because I’ve never been her before. So what if I fail?

What if the steps I take are wrong and instead of becoming a more successful version of me, I fail and therefore I’m further back than I am now? I’m not that person. I don’t take those risks. I’m the type of person who follows plans I made when I was 6…. just because plans are plans, and I don’t know how to deviate from that.

What if I make new plans and become even more unlovable than I am now?

That’s my greatest fear.

To make new plans that fuck up my life even more than it already is. Because I’m barely holding on as is.


Eminem/Stepping Stone

I Pay The Cost, Who ‘Gon Take It Off I Record Then I Ball, I Ignored A Lot Of Calls You Ain’t Talking About Nothing, I Ain’t Got No Time

So yesterday was Father’s Day here in Canada.

As I’m sure you could assume, I’m not the biggest fan of Father’s Day.

My birth “father”? Non existent in my eyes. I haven’t spoken to him since a “brief” reconnection when I was sixteen (a 15 minute chat that ended with him giving me his business card). Before that? I hadn’t seen him in probably a dozen years.

My kid’s “father”? Back committed again in a psych ward. I know I said he was out a week or so ago, but he’s back…again. Probably for the best. Men who beat their wives unprovoked are obviously not right in the head and need all the help they can get, even if they will never be “normal.” Since I filed for divorce 4+ years ago, he’s pushing close to 9 months of being committed, and the doctors have outright said he will never “get better.” So basically my kids don’t have a dad either. But we all know they never really did.

My step-dad who raised me? Of course he did his best, but his preference for his biological daughter, my younger sister was obvious.

So, no. I have no positive feelings for Fathers Day.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of great, nay even superb dad’s out there. But I just don’t have any in my inner circles. I didn’t have any role models growing up showing what a good dad could be like, which is probably why I set the bar so low for my now ex. But my issue is why?

Why the fuck can’t men be better men?

For sure there are tons of crappy women/mothers out there, but why is it somehow automatically assumed that woman have to step up when a relationship falls to shit and be the “better” parent? Of course there are exceptions to this as with everything, but the majority of the time y’all know what I’m talking about.

Why do woman have to step it up more than guys? Last time I checked it took both his dick and your vagina to make that baby. Plus the woman already did her time, 9 months worth more than a man growing the kid, so does that mean she gets the next 9 months off while he does 9 straight to compensate? Hell no. In our society sometimes the girl is “lucky” if the guy is still around by the time the child is born.

What the fuck happened to family? What happened to commitment? What happened to choosing each other and purposely deciding to create a beautiful life? How did we get so messed up, to the point where men for some reason just assume that the lady will be all good in raising A HUMAN BEING ALONE if he decides to up and bail? And for who knows what.

  1. He wasn’t ready
  2. He was scared
  3. He didn’t want the baby
  4. He found new girl
  5. He couldn’t afford the child
  6. He thought he was too young
  7. He just outright didn’t think it was his problem
  8. Etc. etc. etc.

Well guess what, we as woman feel half those reasons too. And you know what we need in that moment? A MAN. Not a boy who was horny and instead of full of sperm he’s now full of excuses. So now in the most basic sense, all I can say, although I know it’ll fall on deaf ears, if fucking keep it in your pants.

Men and woman.

If you’re not ready to be a parent, you shouldn’t be messing around.

I’m just done with celebrating stupidity. I’m done with Hallmark holidays.

Even more so, right now, I’m done with men.


-The Carters/Boss-

I Wanna Start Letting You Know This Because Of You My Life Has A Purpose You Helped Me Be Who I Am Today I See Myself In Every Word You Say

What would you do if you lived forever.

For real. How would you feel if you truly understood that INFINITY was, well infinite? Even more compelling and alarming, how would you react if you recognized that your life was part of it.

Just a small part of a universe that quite literally never stopped. No matter what you did, the universe will continue to move and grow. With each thought and breathe and movement, it’s expanding. Would that encourage you to make your movements count? Or would it make you feel like nothing you did was worth anything, and would it make you feel like giving up, right then and there.

What if some knowledge was imparted to you where certain actions if you choose them, might possible change the course of the universe? Would you believe that? Or would you assume your brain, mind, consciousness is fucked up?

But in all seriousness (j/k what even is seriousness nowadays) what if someone found this out FOREVER ago… that the two of you were important players in this game, and therefore was literally playing with you, with your life, and you didn’t even know it. All you were trying to do was love them?  What if your whole life as you knew it was some sort of “test” on this infinite loop in the universe? And they… the other player in this higher mind, had assumed you had known this whole time, thinking you have been fighting the good fight. But meanwhile, you have literally been struggling to survive. Because the fight got too hard, the challenge became to big. And quite frankly, you gave up and decided they weren’t worth it.

When you think about it, really think about it…. how many memories do you have that maybe don’t belong in your life as YOU. Yet all we have are a string of memories. Continuing forever. Until they don’t. Maybe we all have a soul mate/twin flame whatever that we started this journey to “earth” which remember while dealing with infinity, is still a drop in the bucket. Before “we came”, we planned so many different scenarios/situations to live out, having quite literally more than all the time in the world to do so, and now here we are. But what if…. what if, we’ve come to the end of our plan? And one of us whats to go back to our “soul-state” more that the other?

Do we create a hypothetical “heaven” through “love” or is it through our belief and trust in ourselves? Or the fact that we are all, literally, Gods in the most basic sense?

Something to chew on.

Because I’ll let you know, I’ve felt it.

Heaven if you will. When I allow myself to trust these very facts written here. When I allow myself to love someone I quite literally have grown to hate, I feel heaven. And it is indescribable.

I’d love for you to join me in the creation of it. Because I know I don’t have enough faith to do it alone. Our thoughts are powerful. And IF, by chance this life is “pre-ordained” or planned out to a point that no matter what we do, it’s planned from the start, then it goes without saying that following your instincts would give you the best results right? Because who in their right mind would plan out a bad life for themselves, right? So if we just follow all the signs we’ve left for ourselves along the way, and trust our gut… we should be good to go.

In theory…


-Simple Plan/This Song Saved My Life-