Because A Thankful Heart Is A Happy Heart I’m Glad For What I Have, That’s An Easy Way To Start

Ah ‘Thanksgiving.’

This year dinner was at my parents house as per usual. My mom invited my sisters and their spouses/kids, plus my aunt who lives in town here with her family. Then my one great-aunt was also invited. Then, because apparently that’s not stressful enough for my mom, she invited a few other people that she knew were newer to town and most likely had nowhere else to go. And last and very least, my Grandpa showed up.

I’m not a fan of dinners with my family in the normal every day, apart from the fact that my mom is an excellent cook, a trait I definitely did not inherit.  But the actual family time? Not my favorite. So imagine the lack of excitement I had leading up to this “event”

My mom and my sister R don’t get along. My Aunt and my Dad don’t like each other, thanks to a previous business venture gone bad . My brother-in-law D can only stand being around my family for max like 4 hours before stressing out because we are a loud rambunctious bunch (can you believe I’m the quiet one outta the bunch? Yeah you probably can). There’s 6 kids between the ages of 4-11 running around. And to top it off, I’m avoiding my Grandpa at all costs. So you can imagine the thoughtfulness that had to go into the seating arrangements lol.

But even more than that, I realized that my family really doesn’t give two shits about being thankful. There was no going around the table saying the things we were thankful for, even after I suggested it. Twice. TWICE.

I feel like I need to remind you guys that the majority of the group that was present are “bible believing Christians” with 2 of them even being Pastors. In fact apart from myself (and my kids), my sister N and her husband D, and my Grandpa (Duh)… the rest of the people at dinner attend church on the regular.  And that in and of itself makes me more confident of the decision I made to stop attending church this past summer.

I’m in no way saying that Christianity and people who claim to be Christians are the same thing. Because they aren’t. The people who attend the church and claim to be Christians are just that. People. They are humans who make LOTS of mistakes. Just like you and me (in the mistake making way, not necessarily the claiming to believe in Jesus same way). But if they really believe what they say they believe, they would be making a continual effort to correct those behaviors as well as being “more like Christ.’

But being Christian isn’t claiming to be perfect. I get that.

But I think sometimes Christians forget that.

Which is part of why I made my decision to stop attending church a couple of months ago. I completely understand that it is not my place to judge, and please know that I’m not placing judgement right now. What I’m making is an observation that I used to make informed decisions for me in my life choices. Previously when I was at any type of church function, whether it was my own church or a different one, I felt the people I met presented an aura of “upityness” if that’s even a word. It’s not. I know that.

But it’s like they always felt like they were better than others. Or they had no issues in their personal life. And for years that has always bothered me. Because I know that that’s not possible. I know that everyone has problems at home or school or work or whatever. I know that marriages go through rocky times. I know that not all of your kids can be straight A students (well they can but it’s not likely), I know that not everyone makes enough money to cover basic bills. Among everything else human have thrown at them in life.

So how is it that nothing was ever wrong for them? Now when I say they seem good all the time, I’m not talking about the ‘joy of the Lord’ or peace or something. I’m saying that there was a fakeness to most individuals I dealt with. I should remind you guys, that I attended church pretty much every Sunday (except while in Kenya, when it was sporatic) of my life, until just this year, and this feeling still stands. This wasn’t a once or twice feeling. This was growing up in it, being immersed in it. Then being able to compare it to the world, and realizing that it’s almost like the Christians I’ve met are always trying to put on airs.

It’s like if their life doesn’t seem perfect, who would believe in, well like I said before, the “joy of the Lord’ or the fruits of the spirit, or even just their God in general?  And if they don’t seem happy enough, then the advice they get from the Pastor or even their other Christian friends while seeking help, is to pray more, or believe harder. So they act like everything is good, so their ‘faith’ seems strong. Seems stressful to me.

On the other hand. to be fair, I have met some Christians who seem very genuine and happy in their religion relationship with God, although few and far between. But to be fair I’ve also met some ‘non-believers’ who are also very genuine and at peace without that same faith.

So there’s that.

But heading back to the start of this VERY off topic rabbit trail, I’d like to tell someone what I’m thankful for, since I haven’t been asked this whole season. I did ask my kids what they were thankful for, but once they were done the doorbell rang, so I didn’t get a chance to say mine. So without further ado,

  • Little E, even with his growing attitude that I’m not sure how to handle, this boy is the smarted, kindest, most handsome little thing I’ve been blessed with. He challenges me with his intellect and we have in-depth conversations that allow me to pass along my knowledge to another human that trusts me completely. This power has caused me to really question what I believe and what do I really know, and what I want other humans to believe. And for that, I can never repay him.
  • Z, oh Z. This bundle of joy is always smiling and dancing and still comes and cuddles me in the morning which I need so much. Most days she’s my only hug and kiss and I’m a very big touchy feely person, so I’m so grateful for her for getting me through this time, and many more to come I’m sure.

You know, I was gonna continue on with the whole friends, job, house thing, but I think I’ll stop there instead.

They are what I’m truly thankful for.


 

-VeggieTales/The Thankfulness Song-

 

 

That Means I Don’t Fuck With You I’m A Boss, You A Worker Bitch I Make Bloody Moves

True friends are few and far between.

When I was at my last job, where I worked for almost 2 years, many of my co-workers/friends would constantly complain about the job yet never do anything about it. I myself enjoyed the actual position I held, but it was all the overtime and the workload that became too much and eventually lead me to look elsewhere. But so many of those people would constantly say they were thinking of looking for another job or just continualy complain about how much they hated coming to work.

I often outright told them, if you hate it so much, why don’t you find something else? That’s how I deal with things… if something’s not good, then change it, seems pretty simple right? Well the people who complained the most are the ones who are still at the same company.

When I got my now current job in Feb of this year, my old co-workers would still invite me out for our monthly lunches and we would chat on the phone, or like each others pics on Instagram/Facebook, anything just to keep in touch. But now, since things have taken a turn for the better with my new company, people I used to call friends are no longer answering my phone calls or even returning text messages.

I’m not talking one person in particular, I’m talking the majority of people. In fact the only 2 girls I still talk to from that company, both quit within 3 weeks of myself and are also working at new jobs. (Yeah, I took all the good ones out with me lol) Although it’s not for lack of trying. I’m always calling, leaving voicemails (since no one answers) just checking up on people. Sending texts to see how they’re doing. I’ve even resorted to sending memes every once in a while to a few of them… but the responses are fewer and farther between. Until lately, it’s been practically nothing.

It’s like people can’t stand to see others become more successful than themselves, although no one is forcing them to stay where they are. I would be thrilled to help them find new jobs if they asked or support them in any way they needed if they choose to move on. Heck, I will still support them in the fact that they choose to stay where they are, but that doesn’t mean they need to be jealous or cut ties with me because I stepped out and made the move most of them were possibly to scared too or not in a position to make.

But in hind sight, maybe it’s for the best, that I”m no longer invited out for lunches or drinks on Friday nights. Do I really want fake friends (I sound like 45 “fake news”) who don’t truly support me, so their having to put on an act while we’re together?

I’d rather have a smaller group of true friends that hundreds of fake ones. Because I know that I’m a good friend. I know that I call and check up on people. I know that my friends successes are a good thing to be celebrated. I get happy when I see my friends happy. And I think it’s only fair I surround myself with like-minded individuals.

And if I only find a handful of them, so be it.


-Cardi B/Bodak Yellow-

Should I Give Up Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavement Even If It Leads Nowhere

So I’m on the plane waiting to take off for home.

I guess from an outsiders point of view, you could say this was a successful trip. Mainly based on the fact that…

I BOUGHT A HOUSE. Well, almost. Let me explain.

So the original property that I loved already had an offer on it, but the real estate agent that’s been helping everyone in the office found a new one that was just put on the market a few days ago, so we went to check it out.

First off, the neighbourhood was great. Way better than the first place I liked. It’s a townhouse (obviously) and when you drive into the complex there’s a park in a great little green area which would be excellent for little E and Z to play at after school while I’m making dinner or on weekends etc. And even while we were checking the place out, there were a few kids playing there, which was nice to see, knowing that there are other kids in the area. Then, the unit I’m purchasing (or attempting to) is located at the far end of the U-shaped complex, which means that the only traffic driving in front of my place would be myself and my would be neighbour, whose house is the very last one in the complex. So that’s always good for peace of mind, knowing if the kids are out riding bikes or playing out front, traffic is next to none. There’s a car port, which for Kelowna is good enough because with the weather you don’t require anything more than that, since you don’t have to worry about tons of snow in the winter, but even that is better than my current situation which is currently just a stall out back. There’s also 4-5 available parking spots right out front for visitors. Not that I have any friends in Kelowna right now that I would be expecting any time soon, but eventually.

The inside of the house didn’t have the wow factor like the original house did, but it has lots of great character like exposed wood beams and new bamboo flooring. I think it was just mainly paint colour and a few light fixtures that were off-putting. But as I started to look around I realized that the layout was pretty good and it has a really decent feel to it.

My boss A, has offered to come out and spend a couple of days painting after I pick out colours as well as update any light fixtures I want just to brighten the place up, before we move in. Other than that I had no issues with the place.

It fit all my requirements, like 3 bedroom/2 bath/various levels/safe area/close to schools and shopping and TONS of storage. Literally, I have no idea what I would even put in all those nooks and crannies lol.

But after the viewing we met up for lunch with everyone from the office and basically my boss and his dad (co-owners) decided they would by it, as the company, since these properties come up few and far between. If this whole Kelowna thing ends up falling through, they are confident they can resell it no problem. But right now, we have put in an offer to the owners and the company is taking care of down payment and basically everything else associated with it for now.

Then once I sell my house, I’ll be able to get my personal financing, and buy it from the company. It also means I’ll have an address to register my kids for school with, once that process starts in February.

Here I thought this trip was going to be a ‘research’ trip. Check out the sights. View the hotspots. Get to know the town etc. And I did. I visited multiple beaches. I went to my first (and second and third) winery and did multiple wine tastings. I had more lattes than I could keep track of, at more little independent coffee shops than I remember. I checked out the YMCA’s and other sports centres, and got pricing for memberships. I got info on the latest and greatest fruit & veggie stands. I saw different schools in various catchments. I learned where the druggies hang at night and where the ‘poor girls who can’t afford many clothes’ chill.

But I honestly didn’t think I’d be flying home with a property waiting for me to come back to.

Kelowna is beautiful. Relaxing and even though it was a stressful jam-packed trip, it was enjoyable. The entire city gave off an easy-going vibe.

But what it didn’t give off though, was a multi-cultural feel.

I saw 1 African American the entire trip. And that gave me pause. Will that cause issues for my kids? Will they be more likely to be targets of bullying because they stand out from others? Is this move going to be detrimental to them because of potential ignorance playing a higher role?

The very last thing that I want is for this move to cause problems for them, because I hadn’t thought that aspect through. On one hand, I feel like my kids will have to learn to love themselves no matter what other think/say, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a different colour skin tone, and so they need to know and truly believe that. But on the other hand, do I want to potentially make that issue a little more difficult than necessary for them to deal with? All because I want a little more relaxed lifestyle?


-Adele/Chasing Pavement-

Been Chasing Dreams, But I Never Slept I Got A New Attitude And A Lease On Life And Some Peace Of Mind Seek And I Find I Can Sleep When I Die

I know… I know, I know, I know.

I got all caught up in editing my previous posts that I stopped posting in real-time which was so dumb of me because, as my life would have it… Everything decided to happen in the past little while.

It’s been probably about 2-3 weeks since I gave any real post regarding my life… and while you’d think, “Hey, what can happen in 3 weeks right?

Ha. Hahahhahahahah.

Well have I got a story for you!!! So while I might have briefly mentioned some of these things I’ll try to go into a little more detail now, although I want to get everything out so this will probably be more of a quantity over quality post… Sorry.

Ok, first off before we get into anything too hot and heavy, y’all have to try out Aerie’s Sunnie bra. I went shopping for new clothes on Friday, since I’ve lost more weight, and a new bra was becoming a necessity. While I was at the mall, I visited 3 lingerie stores searching for my new go to bra. I asked at each store (Aerie/La Senza/La Vie En Rose) if they happen to do bra fittings since I honestly had no clue any more what size I was. I only knew that all my current bra’s were useless. The girl at Aerie was SUPER helpful..The other two stores? Pretty much as useless as my old bra’s. In fact at La Senza, I tried on a good (not great) bra and it was comfortable enough but had all these annoying straps across my chest so I asked a sales girl if they had anything similar but with no straps… her response instead of try to make a sale was “Just cut ’em off” So I promptly left that store. Anyways, I ended finding the MOST comfortable bra at Aerie, and my boobs look amazing! They have literally never been so perky and comfortable ever, let alone at the same time from one bra. So props to Aerie… It’s so good that when I got home I ordered two more in different colours online.  I also found a couple pairs of jeans both in clearance from different stores (how lucky is that) that fit great. I’ve gone down 4 pant sizes, which helps while trying to find clothes. I’m trying not to bulk up my closet too much since I plan on loosing more weight, but after my big clear out, I haven’t had much to wear. So I consider these my temporary clothes lol.

Next, my grandpa called this past Monday and left a message. Not cause I missed his call or anything. But because I didn’t want to talk to him AT ALL, after our last “encounter.” so I ignored the call. He didn’t mention anything about what happened between us, or more specifically what he did to me, which leads me to believe that maybe he doesn’t remember. I really don’t care if he remembers it or not. To me, he’ll forever be a dirty old man now. What’s done is done.

Next, my boss is seriously thinking about moving our company’s office to Kelowna. Which I think I mentioned. But this week, it’s pretty much been all the 3 of us in the office have been talking about. So much so, that my gut instinct is that, yes. We most likely will be moving. And shop talk has the move date as soon as June 2018.

I feel good about it. Worried? Sure a little. But I think it could be good for me. I think I need a fresh start. It’s not like I’m upping my family and moving them to the boonies and not having an idea of what’s coming like when we upped and went to Kenya. This way I’ll have a job, and I at least have a couple sets of Aunts and Uncles as well as a few cousins there already. We’ve been having open conversations around the office about some concerns we may have, mine being mainly financial constraints, and my boss was honest and said it was something they had already considered. He said for example if the cost of living in B.C. is maybe 20% more than our province, than everyone would need a 20% raise. Also he said if I needed help with a down payment, then the company could help and just basically it would be an advance on my bonuses. He just really wants me to move with them, and I’m not against moving, I just want to make sure I can maintain the same quality of life that myself and my kids have become used to, without moving into some cramped 2 bedroom apartment to make this work.

And to finish off this hodgepodge post, K got out of prison.

Why the fuck do I love this man. Seriously. I know y’all are sick of hearing about him, but unfortunately for you, I write this blog for me… As a place to sort out myself. And I need a whole lot of sorting when it comes to him.

While I was in BC for my grandma’s memorial, he called. A couple times. First to tell me about all these reoccurring dreams he was having about me. And it was beautiful and lovely and weird but I was so happy. But then as per usual, time was up and we had to say our good byes. I went to bed that night on a ‘K high’ so to speak. My dream of him getting out and showing up on my doorstep with a bouquet of blue roses and asking me to marry him returned that night. But then he called again the next day.  And after leaving me overnight with thoughts of marriage and love and a future together, he calls to explain how it’s never going to work out between us.

He explained it well enough I guess. But it left me crying so I tried to get off the phone, to which he said no. That I should stay on the phone with him, and he would stay with me while I cried. So I did. I cried on the phone with him. And all I could manage to say was I hate you a couple of times. But each time I said I hate you, he said I love you too. And I hated that too.

If you love someone…. Why don’t you just be with them? Why all the dramatics? Why all this reasoning and explaining? Why not just love them?

Anyways I calmed down after a minute, and I was ok for that moment. Until…

K felt it a good moment to ask if we could still fuck. Or something along those lines. I was so mad. SOOO mad. I felt in that moment that I was just a warm place for him to stick his dick and I told him to fuck off and hung up. He obviously tried calling back a few times, which I ignored since I was so incensed.  Over the next few days I didn’t answer any of his calls and even went so far as to block the prisons number I was so pissed. I didn’t want to have to hum and haw over if I should answer his call if/when he called, so I just did what I needed to do in that moment, and blocked him to allow myself the space I needed, so I wouldn’t even have to see if he called or wonder why he didn’t.

Until one night I received a voicemail from a friend and while I was listening to it, I noticed there was a voicemail from a blocked number that was almost a week old.

It was K. He was calling to apologize for his “joke” that was obviously insensitive and letting me know that he was going for a hearing (on the day I was finally listening to the voicemail). He said he would try calling me once when he got out, and if I really wanted to be done with him, than I should just not answer and he would get my drift and leave me alone forever.

It was a lot. I wasn’t expecting him to be out for a couple weeks at best and since I had missed his voicemail, he could be out like… that very minute for all I knew! It was a stressful day. Did I want to be done with K? Of course not. I love him. I just felt like it had been months since we had had a decent conversation, with all of them starting only when he wanted to call, and ending when his time was up, or when he was done talking about whatever he wanted to call for. I didn’t feel like I had been able to truly express my feelings in so long, and it wasn’t fair for myself. I hadn’t even SEEN him again since the time he had finally said he loved me to my face. So yes. I needed to talk to him. Plus so much had been going on in my life and I felt like I had lost my best friend.

So when he called… I answered. In the middle of the supermarket.  Caught way off guard because it was Saturday by now. 2 days after he said he was getting out. So by this time I had  figured maybe he didn’t make parole, or they delayed his hearing, or he didn’t want to call. In any case, I wasn’t expecting his call on a Saturday afternoon.

I didn’t handle it well (as per usual) and said I would call him back that night.

That night… we kinda talked. All I know, is that I explained I’m not into sleeping around anymore. If he wants into my pants, he needs to man up and make me his girl friend. And he won’t. So I told him we can be friends, but nothing past platonic.

Which I hate. Because I still love him.


-Macklemore Ft. Skylar Grey/Glorious-

I’ve Got Thick Skin And An Elastic Heart/You Did Not Break Me I’m Still Fighting For Peace

Ok guys. So after spending Monday in a hot mess, and I mean MESS. I was breaking down and crying every time my kids weren’t in the room, and maybe once or twice when they were. I had my epiphany. At least I hope it’s my light bulb moment because if not… well then I’m headed down the wrong path lol.

After what happened with my grandpa, and a few other stressful events that of course just had to happen this weekend involving K, that I’m not ready to get into yet, I just broke on Monday. I was barely functioning, and couldn’t contain my crying, it was bad. But I didn’t realize how bad until my brother-in-law D went to give me a hug goodbye, since they were heading out from my grandpa’s that evening, and after the hug he did that pause where his hand kinda lingered on my back while he said take care or something, I don’t even remember, because everything inside of me was screaming at him to stop touching me.

That’s when I realized how much the night before with my grandpa had affected me. Obviously I had spent the day crying, but I thought maybe I was overly tired and just emotional. But when I literally couldn’t stand the thought of D giving me a hug, I knew I was messed up. Also I did tell N what had happened, just because I wanted to get it off my chest. Now, nothing negative against N, but she kept bringing it up throughout the day again. Here I am trying to get over it and just get back into my regular routine and push it as far from my mind as possible, and every 30 minutes or whatever she’s asking if I’m sure I’ll be OK, or saying just make sure I have my phone close etc. I get that she was trying to ease my worries but to me it was just bringing up the feelings/thoughts/emotions that I had just managed to get out of my head 5 minutes ago.

And it made me understand that N doesn’t get it. She has never been raped. She didn’t understand the fear I was feeling. Or why it came back in huge waves. Or why I haven’t slept since. But I get it. I understand it. I’ve been there.

As I drove home yesterday, I spent the majority of the 11 hour car ride considering why all this shitty stuff keeps going on in my life, and how if possible can I turn it for good. How can I make this work for me? What can I do with this pile of crap I’ve been given to make a positive impact?

So the only idea that came to me, and that is still a huge work in progress, is that I’m going to make my blog more “public” in an effort to help those in my community.

I thought maybe I could use my experiences to help others who have been through similar things. And considering my wide range of  experiences… I might be able to relate to many people. In my mind I see myself relating to many women/teens who are struggling with issues that I have gone through and just want someone to talk to. Like how I just wanted someone to tell and so I told N, but because she’s never been through anything like it, she didn’t know how to handle it.

I know that many people just want to talk. Not so that they can be told what to do, or be judged, or feel like they’re at the shrinks office but just to know that they aren’t alone. And that others have survived issues like them, and that there is nothing wrong with them. That it is do-able, getting through this crazy life. That no matter how ridiculous it seems at the time, you can make it through.

So, I’ve decided to make myself vulnerable by slowly kinda revealing myself in a sense to those around me, so that others can learn, or feel comforted by this.

Over the next little while, I’ll be revisiting my posts to edit and review what I’ve written. Freshen up my posts, add all the details I missed in my haste to just get my story out. But from there I haven’t figured out the details of how this plan will play out… only that I feel right in doing this. But… lol forgive how lame this sounds, but last night I actually had dreams of doing public speaking at high schools and stuff. Like motivational speeches. It was weird and crazy, but here’s a quote my grandma had written…

“After all was said and done, A lot was said and not much done.”

So I figured at this point, I’ve said a lot, I should start doing something.

So if you have any suggestions… lol, let me know.


-Sia/Elastic Heart-

Am I Dead? Or Is This One Of Those Dreams? Those Horrible Dreams That Seem Like They Last Forever?

So as promised, well not even promised but told to E yesterday, the kids and I called him last night to video chat. During which he proceeded to inform me that his Dad’s burial is on the same day as my Grandma’s. 365 days in a year, and yep, it’ll be the same day, Aug 26th for both of them. So I asked if he was actually going to attend which will require him travelling back to Kenya. To which he replied with “well that’s a tricky question” Yeah. Same phrase he used when I asked him why we should stay together lol.

Anyways I could tell already what was coming but I wasn’t going to make it easy for him. So I just let him continue talking… but he didn’t, he just let the statement hang.  So I said E, if you need something, you have to use your words and ask for it. You can’t assume I just know what you’re talking about. Exact phrase I say to my kids. Use your words. You can’t assume people know what you’re trying to get across unless you expressly say it. WITH WORDS. So he did…Kinda. He explained that yes, he has the money, but he doesn’t have a credit card to pay for the flight so can he send me the money and I purchase his flight for him.

I truly and honestly don’t want to be a part of this, but I won’t be a bitch and deny the man the chance to attend his fathers funeral. I explained that he would have to do all the research and find the flights himself, to which he responded ‘How?’  OMG. I told him to Google it. I even explained to him exactly what to type into Google so I wasn’t leaving him completely high and dry. I want him to put a little effort into this on his own and try to become a little more independent, albeit I’m sure that’s just pure fantasy on my part at this point. I also told him I’m not paying for anything until he fronts me the money FIRST. Cold hard cash upfront or it’s a no go. He made a comment about how I was being ‘harsh’ and I could only think that beggars can’t be choosers but instead replied that last time I paid for him to fly home from Kenya in the midst of our divorce, and he said he would “pay me back” I never saw a dime. His response? ‘Wow’.  Damn right wow. $1,700.00 worth of wow. So front me the money or you can watch the burial from a grainy Facebook live video or by some other means.

I know in the end because of his lack of ability, that by agreeing to do this, I’ll most likely end up having to do the research to find the flights for him. If I don’t, E will just go with whatever pops up first on Google which will be a crazy expensive flight with a million stopovers. But that’s his issue/choice.

OH and then he didn’t know if he could get a few days off work for this. Now I know E. I know that since he’s started this job, he’s never asked for time off and they always make him take all his days near Christmas because he’s never used a single day off the whole year. I told him to just ASK. USE HIS WORDS!!! Explain to his Boss/Supervisor that his Dad had passed away and he would like to extend his 10 days off to perhaps 14 or even 20 to make the trip worth it. He normally works 20 days on and gets 10 days off, but this rotation, he would need to be back at work on the 27th, the day after the burial, making flights from Kenya to Canada… Well pretty much impossible. So again, I had to tell him, if he wants something, he needs to just ask. And that there’s a 99% chance they will give him the time off. Especially with his vacation track record.

So we’ll see if E can pull this off. I was a little relieved to see him talking on the phone yesterday. To be honest I was concerned about how he was going to handle this whole situation, but yesterday he seemed no worse off than normal (yeah this behavior is his new normal). I am worried that once he gets to Kakamega and visits with his family it might disturb things a little. Plus I’m not sure when he plans on going for his monthly injection for his medication if he’s out of the country, something I’ll ask him next time we talk, but it is what it is.

I’m not sure if this whole trip will be for better or worse. But for now I’ll just take things one day at a time.


-Kesha/Praying-

Give Your All To Me I’ll Give My All To You Your My End And My Beginning Even When I Lose I’m Winning

You know what they say, picture or it didn’t happen 😏.

I meant to post yesterday, but just ended up being so busy with life that, well, here I am.

I did originally by the flowers for myself, as promised but since yesterday was Z’s birthday I decided to gift them to her by the time I got home. She was so excited but not as thrilled as she was when she opened her little kids makeup kit! I let her do her own as well as mine and needless to say we both looked like clowns by the end of it.

But I decided to give her the roses as more of a…lesson? Nah not really a lesson, but I want her to feel like she should have high expectations from people and that she deserves special things especially on days like her birthday.

When I was young I envisioned my husband taking our daughters out on dates while they are young, to teach them what they should expect and show them what it’s like to be treated respectfully by a man. To show them what they deserve, and so they can know what is good vs. crappy date behaviour. Now, since Z’s dad is not around to do that, I still think it’s important for her to know, and also something for little E to learn, how to treat a woman. So I gifted the flowers to her.

I heard a quote a few months back that I’m going to slaughter, but it was roughly like this;

Don’t teach little girls that when a boy teases/bullies her it’s because he likes her, because then she’ll grow to learn that being bullied is the definition of love.

This stood out to me like WOW! It made a lot of sense. Probably to me more than some of you, but it definitely was something I wanted to incorporate into my family. First to teach Z that love is love. Not teasing and bullying and name calling etc, and therefore she should never accept that from any man or woman for that matter. And next to show little E more positive ways to express his emotions when he does start to have feelings for someone.

Anyways, keeping it super short and simple for today. If anyone knows the actual quote I’m trying (and probably failing miserably) to refer to, give me a shout.


-John Legend/All Of Me-

Figures, I Gave You Ride Or Die And You Gave Me Games/Love Figures I Gave You All And You Gave Me Shit

I've never felt so outright disrespected probably ever, at least that I can remember. W? He was killed. E? Never knew what he was doing. But this? This is K actively being… well just awful.

So the mess with K? Well I've been working behind the scene trying to get word to him. Making sure he knew that he needed to add people to his contact list and all that jazz.

Just a refresher though…
K asked me originally to track down his final check from work and send him the money. So I'm thinking he's expecting something from me in the mail to be delivered to the prison, and therefore will want my name added to his list of approved contacts. Sounds logical right?

Well not only was the money order I sent returned to me, but when I tried to get word to K about the approved contact list, because in my mind I'm thinking he must not know about it if he hasn't already added my name… he called yesterday to basically piss all over me.

Saying no, don't bother with the money, keep it for him (yeah right) he's known my address the whole time…and he'll call me when he gets out.

Fuck no!

Who does he think he is? Making that choice for me, about when our relationship/friendship/fucked up life goes on hold? On the call yesterday he revealed that he'd been calling everyone EXCEPT me. And all this time, I'm writing him, and trying to do what I can to support him, and now he's throwing it in my face. I don't even know how, but somehow it's my fault for trying to be there for him.

He told me months ago how his ex twisted things for him the first time he went in, messed shit up on the outside and played with some shit that screwed him over, and I was trying instead to do the exact opposite of that. But apparently he's been calling the ex (and everyone else) and she's been twisting my words and making me look like scum and he's just eating it up, without a second thought.

I'm like wow. You just believe everything she said point blank. You haven't even called me. You asked me to do these few things for you and when I try and follow them through, you shit all over me.
Then you say you'll call me when your out, like that should be some gift to me.

No thanks.

A few people have said things along the lines of guys don't like to mix the life inside with out here and try to just do their time, then move on when they get out. People who don't even know K and I and all that's happened. And if that was the case, I MIGHT have been more understanding. But nope. He seems perfectly comfortable mixing the two worlds when he calls his family or friends from back home or his ex, who already messed up prison for him once. So like what the fuck.

It's a damn privilege to have someone like me in your life and you K… just fucked yourself over.

-Jessie Reyez/Figures-

Figures
I gave you ride or die and you gave me games
Love figures
I know I'm crying 'cause you just won't change
Love figures
I gave it all and you gave me shit
Love figures
I wish I could do exactly what you did
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn't get me back
You're the one who's gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn't get me back
That's what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures
I'm the bad guy 'cause I can't learn to trust
Love figures
You say sorry once and you think it's enough
I got a lineup of girls and a lineup of guys
Begging for me just to give 'em a try
Figures
I'm willing to stay
'Cause I'm sick for your love
I wish I could hurt you back
Love, what would you do if you couldn't get me back
You're the one who's gonna lose
Something so special, something so real
Tell me boy, how in the fuck would you feel?
If you couldn't get me back
That's what I wish that I could do to you, you, hoo, hoo
To you, you, hoo, hoo
Figures

A Little Less Conversation A Little More Action Please

Ladies! What is wrong with us? Apparently the majority of the female population are putting out this vibe that we don’t give a f**k? That we aren’t there to support or listen to men. It’s absurd how many guys, after ONE night/date/phone call/what have you, will tell me I’m so easy to talk to, or that I really listen, or that they should be paying me for my therapy services, or they feel really comfortable around me unlike other girls in the past.
This truly baffles me. Because I don’t feel like I’m doing anything extraordinary that any human being shouldn’t be practicing on a daily basis. I make conversation. I make a honest effort to get to know people. I enjoy making people smile, but I also know there’s a time and a place for that. I understand sympathy but because of my life I hold a large amount of empathy in many situations. I don’t think anyone’s thoughts are invalid, dumb sometimes, yes but I understand everyone has their own opinions.

What I don’t understand, is how so many men, seem to have never met a woman who listens like I do. Because it’s so simple. Men have issues and feelings that they need someone to talk to about, probably even more so than chicks, because they most likely don’t have a group of gal pals they gossip with every Friday night unlike some people…. But they don’t wanna tell a woman all their issues so the girl can tell them what do with it, or try to solve the problem for them. But instead they want to talk with a woman so the man feels support in the choices he’s making. If he feels he trusts the girl enough, then believe me, I know by experience, he will ask for your advice, and because it’s welcomed and invited at that point, 90%+ of the time, he’ll take it.

But if girls are just either not going to want to listen to men talk about deep stuff in their lives in the first place, or listen only to tell the guy what to do? Then the guys aren’t gonna wanna talk.

I try to always remember this saying I heard so many years ago.

“Most people listen to respond, they don’t listen to hear.’

And since then I’ve tried to make a conscious effort to listen to hear what a person is truly saying. Sometimes I pause, think it through, I even ask myself if it requires a response, then if so what direction should it go. Because sometimes an individual won’t speak the exact words directly, but the meanings or implications are there if you are seriously making an effort to hear.

I dunno… it’s either really working, or really not, depending on what way you view my situation/life  😂


-Elvis Presley/A Little Less Conversation-

I’ll Take A Breath, I’ll Take Her By My Side We Stand In Awe, We’ve Created Life

With little E’s birthday yesterday and Z’s coming up next week, it’s really been hitting a chord I didn’t even know I had. I want another baby. My kids are growing up and soon I’ll have a 4 & 7-year-old in my house and I won’t even be able to pretend I have a toddler anymore. I’ll officially have two children. Kids who are growing up too fast for me and I don’t like it. I heard something years ago, after I left E, that bothered me. I can’t remember where I heard it, but I think it was some fairly reputable therapist, regarding step-parents. They said (paraphrased) that if a new partner enters a child’s life in a parenting role by the age of 6, then it’s easier for that kids to adjust to them as a parent, and accept them. But any later than that, and basically the parenting, in particular the discipline should be done mainly by the birth parent only.

That resonated with me, and has stayed in the back of my mind all these years. I wanted SOOO badly for little E to have a solid connection with a male role model in his life. He has nothing with E. Nothing. And just the thought that by now the opportunity for a meaningful bond to form between him and any potential ‘dad’ is heartbreaking. I know, I know, that thing I heard was just one mans opinion and there are plenty of scenarios that prove otherwise, but the thought still lingers.

I never wanted little E and Z to be fatherless. It was obviously never my plan. But life happens. Shit happens. And now I’m just so disappointed with the path my life is on in this regards. I feel like a failure to my kids in that I haven’t been able to provide them with the home environment that I always envisioned. The “perfect” family.  Or at least a family that looked half decent to outsiders looking in, since no-ones perfect.

You know, the typical mom, dad, son and daughter…. But now it’s just the three of us. With little E apparently at an age where he will have trouble connecting with a new father figure.

And yet I still want another baby. But by the looks of things, it could be years before that happens if it ever does, and do I really want that kind of age gap between my kids? Plus will I be able to carry another baby to term by then?

Maybe I’m being selfish, since I want the experience of being pregnant with a man who supports me during the pregnancy and just to see how it would be like to have him love the baby from the start. But is that fair to little E and Z, who have never experienced anything even remotely similar?

I’m from a blended family, with my little sister N being born after my mom got re-married, and R and I could 100% tell the difference in the way my step dad treated her in comparison to us, which is something I never want little E and Z to feel.

So now, I have this desire for a baby. To experience the joy I see couples have when they do it together. Something I’ve never had. I know I was married, but I’ve been single parenting it since day 1. E never once woke up at night to change a diaper or do a late night feed, or even to bring the baby to me so I could nurse them. He wasn’t there to help teach either one of them to walk or talk. He’s never driven the kids to school or daycare. He’s hardly ever attended a school function or play. He’s been pretty absent since the get go.

So, maybe I’m being selfish, but these last few months I’ve been really thinking about another child, and the feasibility of it all. I want it so badly I’m tearing up right now, but I know I can’t just go randomly and get pregnant “just because” I want it.

I won’t ever put another child through what little E and Z have gone through. A childhood without a father.

So until I find a man who’s in it for the long-LONG term, I’ll just have to shelf my desires and focus on the kids I already have.


-Creed/Arms Wide Open-