We Coming From A Long Bloodline Of Trauma We Raised By Our Mamas, Lord We Gotta Heal

I’m here, and alive.

I truly have nothing of value to say in this post, I just have the urge to write. I know it’s been a while and so here I am.

Many things have happened in my life since my last post. Little E turned 9 last week, and Z’s birthday is also coming up this Thursday. She’ll be 6. E didn’t even call on his birthday to wish him a happy birthday, I had to remind him the other day that he missed it and then he finally called to wish a happy birthday. Who forgets their own child’s birthday? Obviously my ex does. Every time he does hurtful things like this I’m ashamed at my own choice of a partner in life. I chose that man. I must’ve been so broken at that point to have made the actual decision that he would be the best thing to join with moving forward. And all I can do now is forever work at filling the holes I created in my own children by choosing E as a father. I have to be double for them. And that’s no ones fault but mine. I made that idiotic choice, and I’m the only one who’s got any sense at this point to realize the damage he’s caused/causing, so I have to so my best to keep them whole, even with this gaping figure missing in their life. But the show goes on.

My sister N and her little family came and spent the week with us for their summer vacation last week. It’s weird being the vacation destination for others. I mean it was fun, we pretty much spent the majority of the time at the beach just doing nothing, as a proper holiday should be. But as it is with other people in your house, sleeping arrangements get all mixed up and her daughter had only just turned one so there were a few crying sessions throughout the night. But all in all it was a good trip.

Since this post has somehow turned into a little bit of odds and ends, I guess I throw in this short story.

I took my kayak out on the lake for the first (and only if I’m honest) time a few weeks ago. Now when I first bought it, I had grand dreams of going out all the time. I don’t know why. I literally had done it once before out on the ocean when I was 15/16 and just remembered it was really relaxing, so why not attempt to recreate that atmosphere? Well, for starters I ordered my kayak online through Canadian Tire since I’d been looking since last summer and finally in April they had a 30% off sale, so I ordered online. I did all my research and read all the reviews etc and found what I thought would be the best one. I needed it to be delivered since it wouldn’t fit in my car and I don’t have a roof rack or anything, and my plan was that once it was at my house, I can just carry it down to the lake. It was only 50lbs and my logic was if Z if 60lbs and I and carry her and Little E who’s 80lbs ok, then this should be fine. Well. First, Canadian Tire’s ‘delivery program’ is ridiculous. After so many calls back and forth with them, it took close to 5 weeks from the date I ordered until the date I got it delivered. Then, it turns out to just be some dude in his mini-van. I happened to be getting home from work right as he drove in, and we started talking, and he said he just got the call that day to do the delivery. But the people I was talking one the phone with told me multiple times that there were no availability for the past 4-5 weeks to get anything to my house. I’m like common I don’t live out in the boonies! The guy says he could have done it like any day in the past month and that he’s their normal guy, they just didn’t ask him. I was pissed.

Anyways, my kayak story wasn’t going to be about the purchase and delivery, that’s just extra for you because you’re special and I think you’re cute and needed a tip about Canadian Tire’s crappy delivery.

My ACTUAL story, was when I finally got it into the lake. I had Little E help me carry it to the lake, because even though it advertised being 50lbs, it’s an awkward 50lbs. It doesn’t wrap it’s arms and legs around you when you go to carry it. It’s 10 feet long and too wide to grasp across. So Little E helped me get it to the water. And off I went.

Great. Fun. Beautiful. I was having the time of my life so far from the shore, until I actually LOOKED DOWN INTO THE DEEP BLACK ABYSS OF THE WATER BELOW, and remembered my crippling fear. The fear of not knowing what was below me. The fear that some massive fish (go ahead and laugh) would come and tip the boat and I wouldn’t even see it coming because I couldn’t even see it coming.  The fear that a huge wave would come and rock the kayak and I would flip and a combination of drowning and being eaten alive by a bunch of unknown lake creatures would kill me.

Needless to say, I had to take more than a few moments to compose myself. I took a few deep calming breaths, then I steadied the kayak and turned it to head closer to shore, not realizing in my previous enjoyment that I had practically rowed out into the middle of the lake. I forced myself to stay out on the water for another half and hour, rowing at the point where I could see the lake bottom on one side of the kayak, and the other side was black, like it dropped off right below me. I listened to my music, and even took a few pictures to remember this moment.

Basically I needed to know for myself that, even though I don’t have many fears that I struggle with on a day to day basis, the fears I have are deep, and I can eventually overcome them. Did I overcome it that day? Well, probably not considering I haven’t been back out on the kayak yet. But on the other hand, I haven’t put the kayak up for sale so it’s not a lost cause lol.

I’ll go out again. It was beautiful and initially calming. But who says I can’t just say I did it once and use that as my victory for  life?

Me. Because I know that nagging feeling is still within me. That I’m letting something hold me back from enjoying something. Yes, I still go swimming in the lake all the time with the kids. But only in the clear water where I can see the bottom. Where it’s fish/seaweed free.

Just like us all, I’m a work in progress.


-J. Cole / Middle Child-

Welcome To Existence Everyone’s Here / Everybody’s Watching You Now Everybody Waits For You Now What Happens Next?

Today an ad popped up on my Instagram about preparing wills.

This is something I have been purposefully avoiding my entire life.

Not because I’m afraid to die because of death and all that jazz, but because in my will, I will undoubtedly have to name a Guardian for my kids. And I have no one who I would name. At this point in my life there is not a single person or couple that I would want my kids to be raised by other than with me.

My parents are out of the question for many reasons, part being the strained relationship my mother and I currently have. But also, they’re old. I want my kids to have a fun fulfilling life and my parents don’t have it in them to be sitting at soccer practice once a week and dance recitals/school plays all the time. They’ve done the discipline thing (horribly) and I don’t want them (my parents or kids) to go through that ordeal. They are just not the right fit. Sure they’re fine for a visit here and there and I trust my kids with them for like a sleepover, maybe even a weekend or something although that’s never happened, but anything longer would just be to much of them. And I know what to much of them turns into. Been there done that got the postcard and all the bills from therapy type situation.

My older sister R has 4 daughters of her own and as much as I’m sure Z would love being surrounded by sisters (or hate having less attention focused on her) I would feel uncomfortable for Little E being put in a situation like that. Plus they are super strict and highly religious and I’m just not on the same page regarding their beliefs about god or many other things in life, and therefore wouldn’t want that for my two children.

My younger sister N just had her first child last summer. I will admit it has changed her attitude towards life for the better in my opinion. It’s not so much all about her anymore which is nice to see, but the way her and her husband D live is just chaotic. They both love my kids but they have no sense of organization or discipline and they struggle so much with finances that I just can’t add this kind of thing to their life. It would be a lose/lose situation for everyone.

And that’s it. Those were my choices. I thankfully have sole custody of my kids, and they are OBVIOUSLY not going back to E. But I have no friends that are close enough to even consider for the possibility. And you can’t prepare a will without having that plan ready to go to put into the will. Like what am I going to do? Write a will but say ‘ oh I’m not a responsible enough person to have decided who my kids are going to live with so just either let my family decide or make them wards of the state’? Cause that’s basically what I’d be doing so what’s the point.

You can’t name someone Guardian in your will, without discussing it with them first. Like at least make sure they’d be willing and able to do it. I have no one to have that discussion with. I live my life independently from everyone, which as a result has ironically enough left me independent from everyone. So now, I have these two precious children to care for, and I do care for them. So much that right now in my opinion, no one else is good enough to care for them if/when I die. So I have to just not die until they’re old enough to care for themselves. Oh but C you say, what about accidents? What if you get run over by a car tomorrow?

DUH!!!!! So now you see my motherfucking problem. I have to make a will! I have to pay off my debts. I have to plan for them. Z still has 12 more years to go until she’s 18. 12 more years. I’ve only been a parent for 8.5 but I’ve made it this far. First I had to get through the divorce. Now, it’s time for me to actually start looking ahead. Planning for the future. Something I haven’t ever really done before. Everything was just get me through this day, this week, this marriage, this divorce. And now? Well now I need to be able to say get not only me through this life, but my kids through theirs.

So I’ve got to start planning ahead. But how do I plan another parent for my children? Seems like trying to get the past and the future to merge as one. I already picked a dad when I made them, and that didn’t work out well as we all know. As you can see I’m quite hesitant to try again. I don’t want to utterly fail my kids in the parenting department twice… or more.

So needless to say I won’t be writing a will anytime soon.

As dumb as it seems, it seems more logical than wasting time and money on preparing a will when I don’t know what it should say.

-Switchfoot/Dare You To Move-

Thoughts

A few weeks ago I was laying in bed and relaxing before going to sleep and calming my breathing and thought patterns as has become my habit lately. Also something that has become part of my life is thinking of K too much. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I pushed thought of him as far I could. Sometimes thoughts of him would come, but it’s wasn’t so much thoughts of him so much as thoughts from him. And sometimes I figured what’s the harm of enjoying what little of him I had in my life? And I would allow the thoughts from him to hold me while I slept at night or tell me he loved me… things like that. But a few weeks ago, as I was relaxing, and getting rid of my thoughts from the day and releasing unwanted emotions and energy etc, all of a sudden I was just a thought. I wasn’t even in my room or on my bed. Me, in my whole entirety as C, was represented as only a thought. I had no weight of the world holding me down. No previous emotions or situations keeping me here. I was just so in that moment that I was singularly that thought of Me. And I was with the singular thought that represents K. And we talked.

And then to reform my world was a slow scary step by step process. What should I do first? How should I move to ‘rebecome’ C? The room and remembrance of where I was on my bed in Kelowna took place first. And then from there the whole world as it was just sort of fell into place in my memory as I reached slowly for a drink or water. The whole time thinking is this the right move to make? Or should I be recreating this scene differently? Am I fucking up all of my future? Or is this predestined already? Anyways. I laid back on my bed and went to sleep almost immediately, and dreamt of K which at this point is normal.

What was not normal? K called me the next day. After all this time.

Up until now, I could basically play it off like this was all in my head and I’m just a girl who was way to in love with a guy. But when he called the next day and said he was thinking of me the night before… a lot. And that he’d been thinking of me a lot all the time? It was both a relief and a stress.

Now this is real real. Like now I can’t just play it off like this is only in my head. Now he’s obviously connected to me too. I explained what happened to me (kinda, I mean how do you explain this) expecting him to have experienced the same, but was disappointed when he said no, he just heard my name said over and over so loud and clear in his head. I asked him who’s voice it sounded like and he said his own. So either he’s downplayed what happened to him, or he’s not experiencing things as deeply as I am, in which case lucky him because this shit is scary. When the whole universe dissolves enough to bring your being close enough to someone else’s so they hear your name, but then the reality is recreated like no biggie? How else do you describe it other than terrifying?

And how do I move on from here? It’s not like there’s a textbook full of studies on the subject. When you’ve discovered something this mind blowing and new, it’s…. well mind blowing and new. So I’m at a loss.

A loss so big it’s leaving me feeling very alone and helpless. Because I literally feel like there is no one to turn to for support, as this is not something that’s been dealt with before and the person I’m supposedly going through it with, is not even as deep as I am.

I’m Going Deep, In Over My Head I Want To Be Caught In The Rush, Lost In The Flow, In Over My Head I Want To Go

So I got an unexpected call today.

I was at work at the swimming pool called me. Little E was on a field trip (and will be on the same one for the next three Wednesday’s) for swimming lessons. They spend 30 minutes for lessons and then have 30 minutes for free time. Well, they called to inform me that Little E had just been pulled from the pool by the lifeguard.

The guard had seen him struggling under water in the deep end and had to jump in a save him.

Now I honest to goodness before today felt pretty confident in Little E’s swimming abilities. We were out in the lake practically everyday last summer and I feel fine letting him go out chest deep on his own. I mean I’m there on the beach and I’m a great swimmer (I’m embarrassed to say I was in synchronized swimming when I was younger) so if anything happened I’m there. I’ve seen him swim his laps in the pool to be able to swim in the deep end and feel comfortable leaving him there while I relax in the hot tub with Z.

So to hear that something happened enough that the lifeguard literally had to dive in to save him? Disconcerting for lack of better word. The caller informed me he was doing fine now and was back in the water with a life jacket on now, but that it was just protocol to call the parents when that type of situation occurred. Uh duh. I should hope so!

She also told me that I should monitor his behaviour for the next three days for any flu like symptoms or sluggish behaviour that might indicate secondary drowning (or something like that, I was just trying to absorb everything she was saying). Either way, if I see anything different about him in the next few days, I have to take him immediately to the emergency as it might indicate that he inhaled water and is slowly drowning.

Grrrrreat.

Here I’m glad at the moment he’s ok. But there’s so many thoughts going through my head. In no random order, I hope he wasn’t to embarrassed. Little E is my sensitive and very easily embarrassed child and I can just imagine how being pulled from the water in front of his entire classroom and then being made to wear a life jacket after has affected him.

Next. How did it happen? I know he’s a good swimmer. So was he just fooling around with his friends and get pushed under? Or did he actually just wear out and start struggling on his own? Not that it matters in the end as I wouldn’t cast blame, but I like to know these things.

Also, should I be monitoring him 24/7? Like should I stay awake through the night? Or set hourly alarms to check in on him? Or is that paranoia speaking?

Next. Why the fuck do these things keep happening to my family.

Dear universe. That’s more than enough thank you very much.

But last, it made me realize that I could have lost my son today and there’s so many things I’ve failed to teach him still. There’s so many ways I’ve fucked up so far and it just made me think of all the things I had to fix before I die let alone him. I wasn’t ready. For the first time in my mind, I wasn’t ready for death. I’ve been prepared for my own death for whatever long now. I couldn’t care less, and had zero fear facing that. But to be faced with the death of my child before me? Thats the only thing that has terrified me in recent times this deeply. He’s not yet had a chance to experience anything deeply enough to die. I felt like if he died I would have failed in protecting him. That I didn’t ensure his success. There are too many ways to describe it, but basically I felt like I needed more time with him to set him up for a chance to discover his will to live and choose and die on his own.

And now is not that time.

-Dive/Steven Curtis Chapman-

Leaving To Find My Soul Told Her I Had To Go And I Know It Ain’t Pretty When Our Hearts Get Broke

The fact that I am alive is proof enough that I am a God.

No one can confirm for sure how the world started.  Not when or how or at what point, which leaves it wide open for interpretation on exactly how or why we got to this place in history or the present place in the universe.

Did we come with a purpose? I believe so. Once being to discover the fact that just being here makes our journey complete. We fundamentally have made it by making ourselves. We came. We saw. We each individually have essentially conquered the obstacles of creation by mutually not only choosing to co-exist but at the same time to create the same reality we all choose to collectively perceive and view as real or life if you will.  That fact, in and of itself makes us all God, or a portion of ‘God’ or a ‘soul’ on the outside, all jointly looking in on this world we have created and living out through human existence.

Many over the course of this dynamic perception have  tried to explain this phenomenon. Some use science to get closer to the answer. Some simply trust in the unknown God/deity they choose to represent the beginning. Other pure and simple refuse to acknowledge that question at all, which leads them not searching for an answer. In fact the large majority of today’s population have been satisfied with just living that they have no desire to wonder how their life came into being in the first place. They have become complacent. The are satisfied with a big bang, or a creation, but when it comes down to it, humans are afraid to dig deeper. Since when you try to truly uncover further into the origins of not only the world, but yourself, it will leave you looking starkly at one thing and one thing only.

No matter which theory you align yourself with, we all started at the same place. All at the same time. When I say ‘we’ I don’t mean on the surface level of the life ‘we’ live as you read this. I dive deep into us as a humanity and a universal perception.

The creation of this reality had to start in A moment. Where we all collectively branched out on our own journeys to create at will. Maybe we went from one to a million in an instant big bang style. Maybe ‘we’ collectively planned our futures and our memories and agreed we would just agreed to have thoughts and memories that extended so far back to create a reality and at the count of three wake up one morning go on our way. Maybe ‘we’ split in two and then four and then eight etc, like a baby in the womb. Maybe, we did all of the above, and agreed to each carry a different version of the conception deep in our thoughts hidden in so many lifetimes. This would help us to never return to the loneliness of being one together, since we knew we would never allow our views to change once spread so vast and becoming so hardened.

But once spread out and functioning as a world as we are now, what if two or more individual humans began to think as one again on such a level that they shared this kind of information? What would it do to the origins of the entire perception of the world? It could destroy it. It could destroy the original ‘creation’ that came from thinking independently. The separation and joy and individuality that came from the creation, that allowance to have different thought processes and different opinions that would have never occurred had we all remained as one, would be wiped out. We would return to that being of oneness.

So the fact that from the source and the beginning there are differences should bring the most joy as well as enlightenment. Joy to know the source of this world had knowledge to discover it must become different in order to expand and create eventual life. And enlightenment to acknowledge that you are a byproduct of that source.

This empowering knowledge lends to the discovery that along the way our thoughts at one point in the past were connected. Before we became so focused on the perception of this tangible reality, we were all connected and intermingled not as humans, but as souls, or thoughts. So if we did it before, lived as one in a bodyless haven, why should we limit ourselves to the possibility of creating this reality or perception we see every day, and focus instead on uncreating or returning to that for our souls.

I’m not suggesting it will happen overnight, as many indiscretions have been made against each other or each soul or thought process throughout this creation process since our infinite decision long ago to part ways. It will take many conscious repairs to mend bonds that were broken along the way, but can be made easier with the knowledge that we are all the source and the beginning, and therefore we all originally had intentions of creating a reality. Did we know exactly how it would turn out? No because we gave each other the freedom to create and be individuals. But with the brokenness, we may not feel like it on the surface, but our souls are longing for healing.

We are all longing to come back home to ourselves as one. Where we all began.

 

-Macklemore / These Days-

 

I Find Myself Longing For Change And In The Bad Times I Fear Myself

Monday I had a friend over and I got so drunk. Something I’ve done less than a handful of times in my entire life. Drinking is really not something I find desirable shall we say. Anyways, life has been stressing me out more than normal and so I just let it all go. Nothing crazy happened that night but I mention it only so that when I say I missed two calls from the prison, you’ll understand why. It’s because I was so drunk I spent the night caressing the porcelain throne as opposed to watching for calls lol.

I remember being slightly upset when I saw the missed calls on my phone but it was right when I started to feel sick and the nauseated feeling definitely outweighed the sorrow of missing a phone conversation.

Which brings us to Wednesday, when I’m at work. AT WORK!!! And the COMPANY PHONE RINGS, and its the prison number. At work, on the company phone. Not even my own personal cell phone number anymore. This time, it was a female prisoner calling from somewhere in the country (I can’t remember now but I know I recognized the name of the city at the time of the call) but it was registering as the same number that calls my phone. I guess all the prisons use the same outgoing number? I’m not sure. Either way, I answered the call. Apparently it was some girl looking for her aunt. She asked if I was Anne. Nope I’m not. Then she asked if I was someone else (can’t remember I was so in shock, like literally what in the world was going on) so I said no. And she said she was looking for her aunt and I said sorry I can’t help and basically hung up. I was at work and this was just getting crazy now. Then I just let out one of those shocked laugh/chuckle things which led my co-worker to ask what happened, so I explained what happened.

So my boss A storms around the corner ‘that’s not funny’ ‘this has to stop’ Insinuating that I’ve arranged this somehow, or I have power over when the phone rings. Look I’m at work doing my job answering the phone YOU told me to answer. But he just kept going on and on about how if ‘they’re tracking me, and now know where I work, and are calling me here, then they are probably tracking him and my co-worker and it puts everyone in danger’. Etc.

I’m like don’t flatter yourself buddy. Trust me. No one has any interest in you. But good to know your a little bitch who lives in fear. But instead of feed his fear, I did my best to calm him down and explain it was a misdial and it was a girl from a different prison and she was looking for her aunt and all I did was answer the call so he backed off. For the moment. But then throughout the day he used our inter-office messaging system and it kept popping up on my computer…

‘Any more calls like that and you must report them to me immediately’

‘The likelihood of those calls being unrelated are highly unlikely’

I just kept thinking dude just back off and let me do my work. Right now, your causing more of a disturbance and threat to my peace than those calls ever did. I’m sorry you search out fear and panic, but I’m just going to move on and forget about it. If something happens then I’ll deal with it then. But for now, I’ve got enough REAL junk in my life that I’m not gonna create delusional shit in my mind.

So. Lol. Anyone else have ‘random’ prison calls at work and home?

-Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper / Shallow-

My Cousins Are Crazy / When I Started Out I Just Took What They Gave Me / When You Livin Like This You Supposed To Hate

Caller #3.

Last night I got a call from the prison again. Which I thought (again) was weird when I saw the number show up on my phone. For so many reasons I’m sure you could guess, but the main one being that T (the guy who wrote the phone number wrong last week, for his friend to call) got out on Monday which I found out when he called to tell me he got out early, so I had no connection at this point with anyone in the joint.

No, I really don’t care that much about T, but again I was being nice. He called me from a blocked number, which I’ve learned is pretty standard prison issue (and therefore couldn’t call back to bitch about after the below happened) The call was cut short, because he was headed to visit his family… still not sure why he called me before his family, but guys will be guys. So anyways, T is out, so who could possibly be calling me now?

Well I accept the call, and get a shady af explanation.

Hello?

Hi… You don’t know me but my name is Caller #3 and I got your number from G and my cousin and he said your good peoples (ugh, prison grammer), and so I know this is weird but I was wondering if maybe you could help me.

WHAT? G as in K/G? There is no fucking way he gave you my number to call.

So Caller #3 continues:

I just got off the phone with my cousin M who said you helped out a friend and you might help me out.

Now I’m so confused. I’ve never heard of this cousin of his, so I’m trying to understand how in the world he could vouch for me, saying I’m a good person to talk to, while at the same time beyond embarrassed by even the remote possibility that K knows about last weeks call. So I’m GRILLING Caller #3 to try to find out as many details as I can, and basically all he’s saying is that he just got off the phone with his cousin two seconds ago (Who again I have NO CLUE who he is, even after he goes into detail about who his cousin is dating and what he looks like etc, it all just confuses me more) and all Caller #3 is saying is that his cousin gave him my number to call.

How in the world did his cousin M give Caller #3 my number if I don’t even know who M is? How many guys have my number and are saying I’m a good person to talk to? Then Caller #3 confirms that yes, for sure K/G knows about last week, but he wouldn’t expand on it. So now I’m just like who the fuck is spilling the beans after I specifically asked them to keep their big ass mouths shut? Like I thought this was prison culture. Don’t say anything more than necessary/zip your lip. This? This was never necessary to speak on. Caller #3 kinda gave the vibe off that the whole situation from last week made its way around the block and my phone number is a valuable commodity in the prison now.

So there’s that.

Anyways, once I get over my initial frustration of someone leaking my info, I remember that there’s a guy on the phone who’s calling to ask for help.

So then I asked him what he was in for, and he’s like oh you’re just gonna jump right in like that hey? So I get straight to it. I basically tell him the reason I’m a good person to talk to is because I’ll keep it real and I expect the same in return, and no matter what, I’ll do my best not to judge, offer an opinion? Yes, but I’ll try not to judge. So if I ask a question, just answer. Honestly. I’ll give my heartfelt true advice, which doesn’t mean I’m right obviously, but I’m not going to beat around the bush either. So he said that’s cool, and then proceeds to inform me that he’s two years into a 12 year sentence for Manslaughter.

Well now.

To be honest, there was a slight lump in my throat, but I managed to keep it together, as he told me his quick version of the events, and then we moved on. People are people and they either make mistakes, or they make decisions. Being drunk or sober, you chose to get to that state and now here you are. Having taken someones life.But at the same time I was pissed. Who thinks it’s ok to be giving my phone number out around the PRISON! To people who have been found guilty of killing people? This is putting myself and my kids at potential risk! So I made a huge mental note about who much to reveal of myself, and figured he’s already gotten my phone number now so I might as well help out anyway I can. If I can be a friend for one person, and make that one small change in his life, maybe I’ve done a little good in the world for today.

Either way, this guy too had an issue about how his girlfriend had dumped him.

Guys. In my opinion, if your life path leads you to prison, and the girl you were with was only your girlfriend, I think it’s completely within her right to break up with you. If you were really interested in that relationship, you would’ve focused on it more BEFORE you made the decisions that lead you to be locked up. If she chooses to stay with you through your stint, than create what beauty you can outta that and remember what a solid girl you have. But if your choices led you to prison, then her choices can also lead her wherever she chooses after that. At this point she’s not your wife, you didn’t make that move to solidify your relationship and so she has not made any vow to you in any capacity to stick by you in thick or thin etc. So if she chooses to respectfully break up and move on to someone who can fulfill her life and make her happy in the ways she want to live her life, you cannot stop her. Continued phone calls etc, are probably not a good idea either. Sure a letter here or there for her birthday to maintain a friendship would be nice unless she explicedly requests for you not to, but she has chosen for you to not be her man. You have to accept that. Just like she had to accept that you made a choice to do something illegal knowing that the chance was there to potentially take you away from her for a long time to maybe forever, yet you chose that over her regardless. How was she supposed to feel?

Grand gestures to “Win her back” are probably not worth it. She’s moved on. She’s allowed to make her choices, just as you made yours. Save your big moves for a new girl who you can form a new solid relationship with from the start. And this time, choose her always. ALWAYS chose the girl over the stupidity that could take you away from the girl. Then neither of you will be stuck in a situation where this kind of decision has to be made.

Anyways, that’s just my opinion.

In the mean time, I’m not sure how I feel knowing I’m slowly becoming the prison therapist.

Unless there’s a salary connected to it?


-Drake & Lil Baby / Yes Indeed-

 

I Am Driven By Hunger, So Saddened To Be Thieving In Darkness; I Know You’re Not Pleased But Nothing Worth Eating Is Free

I hate BC.

I sent my kids to play outside today, because the weather was nice, yes. But thirty seconds later Z came inside to say there was a dead rat in the yard.

Oh HELLLLLL NOOOOOO!

I was like are you sure? You didn’t touch it, did you? Don’t touch it! What did you say it was? Are you sure? So she repeats herself, saying quite clearly, that there was a dead rat in the yard. So I’m hoping with everything inside me that she’s mistaking a pile of leaves or something for a dead animal, but I know my mind won’t be set at ease until I go out to take a look. So I very slowly, carefully and full of hesitation head outside to investigate these absurd allegations.

Well unfortunately, they turned out to be very true. No false media here. A very dead rat with a very ugly long tail with very real wasps buzzing around it. So now I find myself Googling if rat’s eat their dead. Mainly because I don’t want to have to clean it up, or deal with it in any way, so I’m hoping nature will just do it’s thing and a bird will come eat it or something. But I’m concerned if I don’t deal with it, then it might attract other rats… Not ideal in any fashion.

So after a little bit of research, basically I’m left with conflicting information as well as the hilarious irony that I’m schooling you guys on rats lol. So for the most part after my quick search, I’ve learned that if the rat is already dead, it’s family members might eat it in order to clean up the body and prevent other predators from being attracted to the area. So basically it’s done for their own survival. What I’m unclear on though, is how far they will go to protect themselves. Will they search out the body, Ratatouille style, until they know what happened to it? Like should I leave it alone out in the yard, where I’ve left it for now, let them do their thing, so as to not begin a mass rat hunt that may lead them into my house in search of their missing link? Or should I clean it up (vomit in my mouth) to avoid potentially drawing more rats to the area anyways?

I honestly see this as a lose/lose situation, because everyone knows where there’s one there’s more. I’m just trying to proceed as best as possible to ensure that the “more” don’t end up in my house.

So any advice is more than welcome!

And no. Putting my house up for sale is not an option. Unfortunately.


-Camille/Le Festin (Ratatuille Theme song)

Them Filthy Rodents Are Still Coming For Your Souls Never To Let Go

I almost had a heart attack this morning. I’m just waking up, you know that phase when your counting how many minutes you have to get ready if you wake up in that moment, as opposed to pressing snooze one more time, when Little E slams his door shut and runs into my room.

He’s all excited/scared/panicked exclaiming how he just saw something white and hairy/fluffy the size of his FIST run and hide behind his toy truck.

I immediately think rat/mouse. Seems like the most logical as well as terrifying match to his description. I also am instantly wide awake with my feet, nah my entire body firmly in the middle of my bed, eyes glued to the door and trying not to panic. I asked him to describe it in as much detail as possible again as both kids climb onto bed with me. All I can focus on are how he’s holding his wrist with one hand and then making a loose fist to indicate size of this white… oh wait, now he’s saying it was brown thing that started in the corner of his room, and ran along the floor so fast that he didn’t get a good look, before it hopped behind his toy truck that was on the floor.

Too many thoughts are rushing through my head right now.

  1. I shouldn’t have opened my door when I went to take a piss at 4:00am to cool off the house
  2. If its a rat, I literally don’t even know where to start. Where there’s one, there’s more
  3. I have no mousetraps
  4. I’m not stepping foot in that room…forever if need be
  5. If it’s a rat, I’m literally going to sell this house
  6. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to deal with it. I’m to scared to open the door.

So then, I’m sitting there and Z is rubbing my arm, saying it’s ok Mommy, and I’m trying not to freak the kids out. I’m saying it’s probably just a rat or a mouse as casually as possible, and they can’t hurt you, I just really don’t like them so that the kids don’t panic like me. So we just sat on my bed for about 5 minutes and the best idea I could come up with was maybe the babysitter who was coming today for the first time (I’ve been having a shitty time finding good babysitters) anyways, maybe they’ll be brave enough to help me out and look in the room. Perhaps even deal with a potential rat infestation? I can only hope. Because my mind is not at all functioning properly.

So I put little E on door duty, asking him to monitor the bottom of the door in case it comes out the bottom while I got dressed quickly and managed to get breakfast etc ready. The sitters (yes, two plural, like I said it’s been interesting) arrived a few minutes later. As soon as they walked in, the kids bombarded them with the story of the rat in the room, making it easy as an ice breaker, since I really wasn’t sure how I was going to broach the subject…

And so as calmly as possible I asked if they’d mind checking it out… because I was terrified. They said sure they didn’t mind and even convinced Z to come find the critter with them. Little E said no thanks and stayed in the kitchen, no doubt because my overreaction caused some unnecessary fear, but after not even 30 seconds of furniture shifting, they found what they think is the culprit.

Turns out (supposedly) it was a massive moth. 😕

I still have my doubts. As much as I really and truly want it to just have been a moth flying around his room, you can’t just that easily undo that much fear that was brought to the surface… as much as I wish it were that easy.

Anyways, that was our fake fear today.

Until next time, stay classy 😜.


-Rats/Ghost-

It Was An Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini That She Wore For The First Time Today

Yesterday, I bought a bikini for the first time ever. I mean I’ve probably worn one when I was like 2 years old, but as a choice on my own, this was a first. And it wasn’t even a whim. I specifically planned to go and buy a two piece swimsuit, and none of that cheater tankini stuff. I’m talking the real deal, itsy bitsy, teenie weenie yellow polka dot, string bikini.

I was partially inspired by all the old women I see on my beach living their best life. Not giving a fuck, letting it all hang out, while they drink wine on their floaties. I shouldn’t say all, there’s like 2 or 3 ladies, but the thing is, most days I take my kids to the beach, we’re the only ones there. And if anyone else happens to come they sit 50 yards away and do their own thing. So why should I be so concerned about my tummy showing?

So, I went to the mall while my car was getting it’s out of province inspection (who’s results thoroughly pissed me off) and bought the first bikini I tried on after realizing:

  1. I didn’t look terrible
  2. I didn’t need an XL
  3. My kids said I looked good.
  4. I legitimately felt comfortable in a string bikini.
  • Yeah I was shocked. I mean you’re not going to see me on the cover of Sports Illustrated anytime soon, (or ever) but it was weird for me to be confident and feel like I looked good showing so much. Much better than the old ladies on my beach lol. So I’m just gonna be more free. And also more evenly tanned.
  • So, if you ever come through my area, and see a chick with a glaringly white stomach showing on the beach, that’s just me, trying to catch up the tan to the rest of my body. 😂

-Bobby Darin/Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini-