Tag: fear

I Find Myself Longing For Change And In The Bad Times I Fear Myself

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Monday I had a friend over and I got so drunk. Something I’ve done less than a handful of times in my entire life. Drinking is really not something I find desirable shall we say. Anyways, life has been stressing me out more than normal and so I just let it all go. Nothing crazy happened that night but I mention it only so that when I say I missed two calls from the prison, you’ll understand why. It’s because I was so drunk I spent the night caressing the porcelain throne as opposed to watching for calls lol.

I remember being slightly upset when I saw the missed calls on my phone but it was right when I started to feel sick and the nauseated feeling definitely outweighed the sorrow of missing a phone conversation.

Which brings us to Wednesday, when I’m at work. AT WORK!!! And the COMPANY PHONE RINGS, and its the prison number. At work, on the company phone. Not even my own personal cell phone number anymore. This time, it was a female prisoner calling from somewhere in the country (I can’t remember now but I know I recognized the name of the city at the time of the call) but it was registering as the same number that calls my phone. I guess all the prisons use the same outgoing number? I’m not sure. Either way, I answered the call. Apparently it was some girl looking for her aunt. She asked if I was Anne. Nope I’m not. Then she asked if I was someone else (can’t remember I was so in shock, like literally what in the world was going on) so I said no. And she said she was looking for her aunt and I said sorry I can’t help and basically hung up. I was at work and this was just getting crazy now. Then I just let out one of those shocked laugh/chuckle things which led my co-worker to ask what happened, so I explained what happened.

So my boss A storms around the corner ‘that’s not funny’ ‘this has to stop’ Insinuating that I’ve arranged this somehow, or I have power over when the phone rings. Look I’m at work doing my job answering the phone YOU told me to answer. But he just kept going on and on about how if ‘they’re tracking me, and now know where I work, and are calling me here, then they are probably tracking him and my co-worker and it puts everyone in danger’. Etc.

I’m like don’t flatter yourself buddy. Trust me. No one has any interest in you. But good to know your a little bitch who lives in fear. But instead of feed his fear, I did my best to calm him down and explain it was a misdial and it was a girl from a different prison and she was looking for her aunt and all I did was answer the call so he backed off. For the moment. But then throughout the day he used our inter-office messaging system and it kept popping up on my computer…

‘Any more calls like that and you must report them to me immediately’

‘The likelihood of those calls being unrelated are highly unlikely’

I just kept thinking dude just back off and let me do my work. Right now, your causing more of a disturbance and threat to my peace than those calls ever did. I’m sorry you search out fear and panic, but I’m just going to move on and forget about it. If something happens then I’ll deal with it then. But for now, I’ve got enough REAL junk in my life that I’m not gonna create delusional shit in my mind.

So. Lol. Anyone else have ‘random’ prison calls at work and home?

-Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper / Shallow-

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My Cousins Are Crazy / When I Started Out I Just Took What They Gave Me / When You Livin Like This You Supposed To Hate

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Caller #3.

Last night I got a call from the prison again. Which I thought (again) was weird when I saw the number show up on my phone. For so many reasons I’m sure you could guess, but the main one being that T (the guy who wrote the phone number wrong last week, for his friend to call) got out on Monday which I found out when he called to tell me he got out early, so I had no connection at this point with anyone in the joint.

No, I really don’t care that much about T, but again I was being nice. He called me from a blocked number, which I’ve learned is pretty standard prison issue (and therefore couldn’t call back to bitch about after the below happened) The call was cut short, because he was headed to visit his family… still not sure why he called me before his family, but guys will be guys. So anyways, T is out, so who could possibly be calling me now?

Well I accept the call, and get a shady af explanation.

Hello?

Hi… You don’t know me but my name is Caller #3 and I got your number from G and my cousin and he said your good peoples (ugh, prison grammer), and so I know this is weird but I was wondering if maybe you could help me.

WHAT? G as in K/G? There is no fucking way he gave you my number to call.

So Caller #3 continues:

I just got off the phone with my cousin M who said you helped out a friend and you might help me out.

Now I’m so confused. I’ve never heard of this cousin of his, so I’m trying to understand how in the world he could vouch for me, saying I’m a good person to talk to, while at the same time beyond embarrassed by even the remote possibility that K knows about last weeks call. So I’m GRILLING Caller #3 to try to find out as many details as I can, and basically all he’s saying is that he just got off the phone with his cousin two seconds ago (Who again I have NO CLUE who he is, even after he goes into detail about who his cousin is dating and what he looks like etc, it all just confuses me more) and all Caller #3 is saying is that his cousin gave him my number to call.

How in the world did his cousin M give Caller #3 my number if I don’t even know who M is? How many guys have my number and are saying I’m a good person to talk to? Then Caller #3 confirms that yes, for sure K/G knows about last week, but he wouldn’t expand on it. So now I’m just like who the fuck is spilling the beans after I specifically asked them to keep their big ass mouths shut? Like I thought this was prison culture. Don’t say anything more than necessary/zip your lip. This? This was never necessary to speak on. Caller #3 kinda gave the vibe off that the whole situation from last week made its way around the block and my phone number is a valuable commodity in the prison now.

So there’s that.

Anyways, once I get over my initial frustration of someone leaking my info, I remember that there’s a guy on the phone who’s calling to ask for help.

So then I asked him what he was in for, and he’s like oh you’re just gonna jump right in like that hey? So I get straight to it. I basically tell him the reason I’m a good person to talk to is because I’ll keep it real and I expect the same in return, and no matter what, I’ll do my best not to judge, offer an opinion? Yes, but I’ll try not to judge. So if I ask a question, just answer. Honestly. I’ll give my heartfelt true advice, which doesn’t mean I’m right obviously, but I’m not going to beat around the bush either. So he said that’s cool, and then proceeds to inform me that he’s two years into a 12 year sentence for Manslaughter.

Well now.

To be honest, there was a slight lump in my throat, but I managed to keep it together, as he told me his quick version of the events, and then we moved on. People are people and they either make mistakes, or they make decisions. Being drunk or sober, you chose to get to that state and now here you are. Having taken someones life.But at the same time I was pissed. Who thinks it’s ok to be giving my phone number out around the PRISON! To people who have been found guilty of killing people? This is putting myself and my kids at potential risk! So I made a huge mental note about who much to reveal of myself, and figured he’s already gotten my phone number now so I might as well help out anyway I can. If I can be a friend for one person, and make that one small change in his life, maybe I’ve done a little good in the world for today.

Either way, this guy too had an issue about how his girlfriend had dumped him.

Guys. In my opinion, if your life path leads you to prison, and the girl you were with was only your girlfriend, I think it’s completely within her right to break up with you. If you were really interested in that relationship, you would’ve focused on it more BEFORE you made the decisions that lead you to be locked up. If she chooses to stay with you through your stint, than create what beauty you can outta that and remember what a solid girl you have. But if your choices led you to prison, then her choices can also lead her wherever she chooses after that. At this point she’s not your wife, you didn’t make that move to solidify your relationship and so she has not made any vow to you in any capacity to stick by you in thick or thin etc. So if she chooses to respectfully break up and move on to someone who can fulfill her life and make her happy in the ways she want to live her life, you cannot stop her. Continued phone calls etc, are probably not a good idea either. Sure a letter here or there for her birthday to maintain a friendship would be nice unless she explicedly requests for you not to, but she has chosen for you to not be her man. You have to accept that. Just like she had to accept that you made a choice to do something illegal knowing that the chance was there to potentially take you away from her for a long time to maybe forever, yet you chose that over her regardless. How was she supposed to feel?

Grand gestures to “Win her back” are probably not worth it. She’s moved on. She’s allowed to make her choices, just as you made yours. Save your big moves for a new girl who you can form a new solid relationship with from the start. And this time, choose her always. ALWAYS chose the girl over the stupidity that could take you away from the girl. Then neither of you will be stuck in a situation where this kind of decision has to be made.

Anyways, that’s just my opinion.

In the mean time, I’m not sure how I feel knowing I’m slowly becoming the prison therapist.

Unless there’s a salary connected to it?

-Drake & Lil Baby / Yes Indeed-

 

I Am Driven By Hunger, So Saddened To Be Thieving In Darkness; I Know You’re Not Pleased But Nothing Worth Eating Is Free

She was set free19 Comments

I hate BC.

I sent my kids to play outside today, because the weather was nice, yes. But thirty seconds later Z came inside to say there was a dead rat in the yard.

Oh HELLLLLL NOOOOOO!

I was like are you sure? You didn’t touch it, did you? Don’t touch it! What did you say it was? Are you sure? So she repeats herself, saying quite clearly, that there was a dead rat in the yard. So I’m hoping with everything inside me that she’s mistaking a pile of leaves or something for a dead animal, but I know my mind won’t be set at ease until I go out to take a look. So I very slowly, carefully and full of hesitation head outside to investigate these absurd allegations.

Well unfortunately, they turned out to be very true. No false media here. A very dead rat with a very ugly long tail with very real wasps buzzing around it. So now I find myself Googling if rat’s eat their dead. Mainly because I don’t want to have to clean it up, or deal with it in any way, so I’m hoping nature will just do it’s thing and a bird will come eat it or something. But I’m concerned if I don’t deal with it, then it might attract other rats… Not ideal in any fashion.

So after a little bit of research, basically I’m left with conflicting information as well as the hilarious irony that I’m schooling you guys on rats lol. So for the most part after my quick search, I’ve learned that if the rat is already dead, it’s family members might eat it in order to clean up the body and prevent other predators from being attracted to the area. So basically it’s done for their own survival. What I’m unclear on though, is how far they will go to protect themselves. Will they search out the body, Ratatouille style, until they know what happened to it? Like should I leave it alone out in the yard, where I’ve left it for now, let them do their thing, so as to not begin a mass rat hunt that may lead them into my house in search of their missing link? Or should I clean it up (vomit in my mouth) to avoid potentially drawing more rats to the area anyways?

I honestly see this as a lose/lose situation, because everyone knows where there’s one there’s more. I’m just trying to proceed as best as possible to ensure that the “more” don’t end up in my house.

So any advice is more than welcome!

And no. Putting my house up for sale is not an option. Unfortunately.

-Camille/Le Festin (Ratatuille Theme song)

Them Filthy Rodents Are Still Coming For Your Souls Never To Let Go

She was set free4 Comments

I almost had a heart attack this morning. I’m just waking up, you know that phase when your counting how many minutes you have to get ready if you wake up in that moment, as opposed to pressing snooze one more time, when Little E slams his door shut and runs into my room.

He’s all excited/scared/panicked exclaiming how he just saw something white and hairy/fluffy the size of his FIST run and hide behind his toy truck.

I immediately think rat/mouse. Seems like the most logical as well as terrifying match to his description. I also am instantly wide awake with my feet, nah my entire body firmly in the middle of my bed, eyes glued to the door and trying not to panic. I asked him to describe it in as much detail as possible again as both kids climb onto bed with me. All I can focus on are how he’s holding his wrist with one hand and then making a loose fist to indicate size of this white… oh wait, now he’s saying it was brown thing that started in the corner of his room, and ran along the floor so fast that he didn’t get a good look, before it hopped behind his toy truck that was on the floor.

Too many thoughts are rushing through my head right now.

  1. I shouldn’t have opened my door when I went to take a piss at 4:00am to cool off the house
  2. If its a rat, I literally don’t even know where to start. Where there’s one, there’s more
  3. I have no mousetraps
  4. I’m not stepping foot in that room…forever if need be
  5. If it’s a rat, I’m literally going to sell this house
  6. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to deal with it. I’m to scared to open the door.

So then, I’m sitting there and Z is rubbing my arm, saying it’s ok Mommy, and I’m trying not to freak the kids out. I’m saying it’s probably just a rat or a mouse as casually as possible, and they can’t hurt you, I just really don’t like them so that the kids don’t panic like me. So we just sat on my bed for about 5 minutes and the best idea I could come up with was maybe the babysitter who was coming today for the first time (I’ve been having a shitty time finding good babysitters) anyways, maybe they’ll be brave enough to help me out and look in the room. Perhaps even deal with a potential rat infestation? I can only hope. Because my mind is not at all functioning properly.

So I put little E on door duty, asking him to monitor the bottom of the door in case it comes out the bottom while I got dressed quickly and managed to get breakfast etc ready. The sitters (yes, two plural, like I said it’s been interesting) arrived a few minutes later. As soon as they walked in, the kids bombarded them with the story of the rat in the room, making it easy as an ice breaker, since I really wasn’t sure how I was going to broach the subject…

And so as calmly as possible I asked if they’d mind checking it out… because I was terrified. They said sure they didn’t mind and even convinced Z to come find the critter with them. Little E said no thanks and stayed in the kitchen, no doubt because my overreaction caused some unnecessary fear, but after not even 30 seconds of furniture shifting, they found what they think is the culprit.

Turns out (supposedly) it was a massive moth. 😕

I still have my doubts. As much as I really and truly want it to just have been a moth flying around his room, you can’t just that easily undo that much fear that was brought to the surface… as much as I wish it were that easy.

Anyways, that was our fake fear today.

Until next time, stay classy 😜.

-Rats/Ghost-

It Was An Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini That She Wore For The First Time Today

She was set free18 Comments

Yesterday, I bought a bikini for the first time ever. I mean I’ve probably worn one when I was like 2 years old, but as a choice on my own, this was a first. And it wasn’t even a whim. I specifically planned to go and buy a two piece swimsuit, and none of that cheater tankini stuff. I’m talking the real deal, itsy bitsy, teenie weenie yellow polka dot, string bikini.

I was partially inspired by all the old women I see on my beach living their best life. Not giving a fuck, letting it all hang out, while they drink wine on their floaties. I shouldn’t say all, there’s like 2 or 3 ladies, but the thing is, most days I take my kids to the beach, we’re the only ones there. And if anyone else happens to come they sit 50 yards away and do their own thing. So why should I be so concerned about my tummy showing?

So, I went to the mall while my car was getting it’s out of province inspection (who’s results thoroughly pissed me off) and bought the first bikini I tried on after realizing:

  1. I didn’t look terrible
  2. I didn’t need an XL
  3. My kids said I looked good.
  4. I legitimately felt comfortable in a string bikini.
  • Yeah I was shocked. I mean you’re not going to see me on the cover of Sports Illustrated anytime soon, (or ever) but it was weird for me to be confident and feel like I looked good showing so much. Much better than the old ladies on my beach lol. So I’m just gonna be more free. And also more evenly tanned.
  • So, if you ever come through my area, and see a chick with a glaringly white stomach showing on the beach, that’s just me, trying to catch up the tan to the rest of my body. 😂

-Bobby Darin/Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini-