You Seem To Have A Plan My Will And Self-Restraint Have Come To Fail Now

I’ve gained a bunch of weight again.

Last fall/winter I did so well (for me) and lost 49 lbs/3.5 st/22.5 kg take your pick and reached an impressive 206lbs  (impressive for me).  For those of you keeping track I was 5 foot 10 and 255lbs at my heaviest. Yes I know that’s considered obese or even morbidly obese (I hate that label). Anyways, I got to 206lbs and was so excited about being under 200lbs because I honestly don’t think I’ve been less than that since before I met E apart from maybe once or twice in Kenya when I was very ill, but once I got over the disease, the weight just piled back on.

So, come Feb/Mar of this year just at reaching 206, my life fell off the weight loss track. Things with K went downhill, and I sold my house and moved back in with my parental units and then out here to Kelowna, where I’ve just been stressing non-stop. E lost his job so my finances are under pressure. I’ve been struggling to make meaningful friends to share my struggles with, and I’m lonely. And with that I find I’m eating to much.

It’s not like it’s come by surprise. I’m on the scale almost everyday, and everyday I see that number creeping up, and everyday I ‘resolve’ to do something about it, and everyday that ‘resolve’ lasts about 20 minutes until I’m just like fuck it. It’s not worth it.

Reason being? I enjoy food and right now it feels like it’s the only small bit of comfort I have. It’s the only thing I enjoy. It’s warm, filling, delicious, satisfying and so many things I can’t even put into words and right now nothing else in my life brings me anything close to that same feeling. It’s pathetic and difficult to explain to anyone who doesn’t have a massive void to fill like I do, or anyone with self control in this area. But I have self control in most areas of my life. I don’t have anger issues. I don’t succumb to peer pressure. I’m not swayed by money or fame etc. All I want is to feel satisfied. And since I can’t force another human being to love me (trust me, I know exactly what my void is from), I think out of all the options in the world to fill my emptiness, things could be worse.

Anyways. Even with me going to the gym again, my weight has still risen to 220 lbs as of the past few weeks.

No, I’m not proud of it nor am I trying to make excuses for it. Yes, when I was less weight I enjoyed looking at myself in the mirror more as well as felt more confident. But right now, I just can’t fight all these battles in my life and win the weight one too. So it’s just not worth it right now.

Like they say, pick your battles, and I have more important shit going on to be constantly getting down on myself for my extremely FUPA. All in due time.

Hahahahaha I write that like I think I’m ever gonna be some trim and fit sports illustrated model. We all know I’m not. But it would be nice to look in the mirror one day and not be able to flap around my belly fat.

Maybe I’ll just win the lottery and get a tummy tuck.

I guess I would have to start buying lotto tickets for that eh?

-Shakira/Hips Don’t Lie-

I Am Just A Troubled Soul Who’s Weighted To The Ground. Give Me The Strength To Lay This Burden Down

So I went for it.

Today is officially day one of my new “lifestyle”

I stopped pussyfooting around regarding my weight loss and signed up for Jenny Craig. Now don’t laugh (I used to kinda inwardly laugh at people who choose this option, but hear me out). I choose it because after making my standard Pro/Con list in my head about all my different options, I came to realize that food prep is my downfall.

I know myself, I won’t track what I eat, so most “programs” i.e. Weight Watchers were out. I know I wouldn’t hold myself accountable to just a basic app on my phone to monitor my food intake, because common, I’m not that reliable when it comes to writing things down or tracking things, like I just last year finally starting tracking my period and I’ve had that for like 18 years! I know I won’t make time to go to the gym, because I basically hate it, all the changing/gym clothes/sweaty people/awful music and inability to sweat, so that option was out.

Which lead me to Jenny. The go to for middle aged women everywhere lol. Seriously the lady on the phone kept making references to being a middle aged woman and making the choice for yourself after all so many years of failed attempts at other things.. I had to tell her I was only 29 and this was my first choice, and in my head tell myself I’m not going to fail. I choose this option because they prepare your food for you. They prep it for the week, can deliver it to your door, and make up a menu to explain what to eat and when. Seriously it’s the easiest thing for me. I don’t enjoy cooking at all, so after looking at all the options out there, it was a no brainer. I got my first week’s worth delivered last night and (after realizing I had limited freezer space and that it might be an issue from now on), I sorted out my meals for today and, as my kids would say, it was “easy peasy lemon squeasy” I actually felt accomplished and prepared for the day. I also felt a little shocked at the amount of food I’m expected to eat throughout the course of my day. I can 100% confidently say my problem in the past is not that I overeat. I pretty sure my issue is more along the lines of not choosing the “right” foods, as well as my digestion, which thanks to my naturopath is ever so slowly getting better.

Either way, I’m determined and dedicated to do at least one month on the program, to see how it goes.  Then from there since I’m hoping it goes well, I’ll continue it until my birthday this fall. Plus, if when I reach my goal weight on Jenny, they give you half your money back, so that’s a win win if I ever saw one.

But I just wanted to let y’all know I’m excited about this. It’s the first time I’ve ever consciously made a choice on my own to do anything positive/healthy long term for my body.

Although I don’t think I ever learned how to properly care for my body and eat super healthy growing up, I don’t blame anyone for my weight, it’s obviously my body, so it’s my responsibility to treat it properly. That being said, I do my best to silently watch what my kids eat, and teach them that food is used as a tool to give our body energy and fuel, the same way we put gas in a car, we put food in our bodies to keep them going. I remind them that when they are full they can stop, but also try to keep the balance so that they aren’t conveniently full when it comes to veggies lol. When they were younger, I used to serve veggie first, and once that was done, they could eat whatever else was for dinner. That way they got used to finishing their vegetables before anything else, and so far it’s been working good. My kids are both healthy and a very suitable weight for their age/height.

Another contribution to my attitude towards weight loss? I once lost a lot of weight… I looked good. Nope scratch that. I looked amazing. And that’s when I got raped ( I Don’t Ever Wanna Feel Like I Did That Day, Take Me to the Place I Love, Take Me All the Way ). So to say that instance also hasn’t made an impact in how much weight I carry now would be a lie. But I’m ready to move on.

From the fear of men using me.

From the fear of being the best me.

Because I’m going to let anything hold me back.


-Annie Lennox/Little Bird-






Flaws On The Table, I Don’t Feel Insecure

Today I have to write just to get out of my head. Last night K called again like he always does, and somewhere during folding laundry and watching the hockey game, he threw out this… “offer” or “suggestion” shall we call it. I should let you all know that yeah we’ve been fucking again non-stop since… well I can’t remember, but yeah we’re tight.

Anyways to paraphrase, he brought up how I was already considering a boob job among other things, and said if he were to pay for it, would I get like a fat transfer deal thing. Basically where they take the fat from my stomach and stick it in my ass.

…Ummm… Why? Why do you want me to do it? What would you pay for it? It took me so long to drag the answer out of him, but in the end the answer was reasonable and made me both smile, and feel incredibly hurt all at once.

He explained that how a body looks is very important to him (obviously, he’s of the male species I expect nothing less, but also his body is frickin amazing), but he knows it’s not as important to me. Also that he understands I don’t have the time/energy/money to invest into my body like that. So he’s willing to do it for me… so that we could be together. Then there was a comment about mind, soul, and body… I have mind and soul…and he would help with my body if I wanted.

HOLD UP, wait a minute. I am sooo conflicted right now. Do I want all that he’s offering? Sure! I’d love to have a few things done here and there.. and to not have to pay? Bonus! But as a condition for getting together with a guy? Hell no! Who do you think you are! This is my body. Plus, how do you think it makes me feel now, KNOWING that every time we’ve fucked you have been thinking about my stomach or ass, or lack thereof. Shit. It makes me feel like shit.

He did explain it so thoughtfully though. He said he would do his best to keep himself looking good and would do this for me, so that I could feel good. Although for some reason he felt the need to throw in the fact that “back home” the girls (strippers) all have amazing bodies. And it just makes me feel less then. Like what happens if I do this, and we get together for what I think is long term, and then one day my body changes again? Is that when we’re done? Or he wants another nip/tuck here/there? Plus for the record, I am never going to be a stripper, so what does my body matter, if I don’t plan on making a living off of it!

And what is he willing to change for me? Not much by the sounds of it. We talked a little, him about how body image is very important, and me about how security, stability and safety is important for myself and my kids. He just said in the simplest of terms that he is who is, and doesn’t plan on changing how he lives, at least not any time soon, especially if he plans on making fast money to provide things like this for me.

So on one hand, I do understand where he is coming from and actually appreciate his honesty, and he said it as kindly as could be said and I am considering it, because 1)I do have such strong feelings for him and 2) Free body work that I’ve been considering anyways. But on the other (feminist/logical) hand, I feel like it was something that never needed to be said. If he wanted to be with me, he would accept my mind body and soul as is. And if I wanted to change, I would change.

Ahhhhh, life.

-Kevin Gates/Excuse Me-